Nowhere Left To Run
by corruptedPOV
Summary: 'I had to get out of here, I had to, why should I be here anyway? They'll be better off without me.' With that thought, Tom runs away, but what will happen when the guys get him back, he's just not the same. Will Danny be able to help Tom, or will this destroy him too? slash. Flones and Pudd, bit of Floynter and OT3/OT4
1. Chapter 1

The day Tom disappeared was the most normal morning I had experienced in months. We had had the day off, so me and Tom went out to Convent Garden together, just to hang around and have fun. He had been acting a little weirdly recently, but I hadn't thought much of it, thinking that it was just stress. "are you alright mate? You seem a little off recently." I asked, wanting to see if I could help him. Tom was my boyfriend, I hated seeing him act so weird. "I'm fine, just not been sleeping." Tom shrugged, and I heard him bite back a small whimper. "liar, there's something happening, isn't there? Come on mate, I know something's up, what's going on? You can tell me anything on your mind. You know you can, I'm your boyfriend, I'll listen to any little thing on your mind. Come on, has someone said something to you?" I pried, knowing how Tom took almost every bad word against himself, or our band straight to heart.

"no-ones said anything to me Danny, I'm fine, I'm just tired. You know I have problems sleeping, I'm honestly tired. Look, I'm going home, I'm going to get some sleep. Sorry bringing you out here for nothing, and for worrying you. I didn't mean to." Tom looked away, making to get up. "Tom, please, just stay for a while longer. You haven't finished your pizza." I begged, Tom hadn't eaten much either over the past few weeks, causing me to think that someone had said something bad to him. "I'm not hungry. I'm just going to go, I had a song idea earlier, I'm going to have a sleep then work on that." Tom sighed, biting his lip to stop tears. "want me to help you?" I asked, getting up as well, giving him a hug. "no, I'm alright. It's one I'll work on it on my own. Bye Danny." Tom hugged back, walking off, little did I know, it was the last time I would hear him for a very long time.

2 MONTHS LATER Dannys POV

"Tom, please, come home, please. We miss you, so much, please Tom, come home. I miss you, I love you, I love you so much, please, come home. We'll make whatevers wrong better, we'll make it all better, just come home!" I begged, wiping away tears. I shut off the phone, knowing Tom wasn't going to answer me, I had almost lost count of the amount of messages I had left on his answer phone. None of them had been replied to. I don't know what had happened, one day we were happy, unbelievably happy, the next Toms acting strangely, blaming lack of sleep. The next day, I went round to his house, and he was gone, only a note saying he was sorry left behind.

"how many is that?" Harry asked, sitting down next to me. "325 phone calls, 500 texts." I reeled off, without even thinking. "Jesus, how do you even know Toms got his phone?" Dougie asked, from my other side. "its not here, or in any of our houses. He said he would bring it with him, and I trust him to take it wherever he went." I explained, trying to not cry. "who else have you phoned? Does Carrie know where he is?" Harry suggested, now I hadn't thought of that. "I haven't, but surely, she would have phoned me if he was there?" I brought up her number, phoning her straight away. "not if Tom doesn't want us to know he is there." Harry sighed, pressing the loudspeaker button.

"hey, Carrie, I was wondering, have you heard from Tom, or seen him, or anything? Please tell me you have!" I whimpered, feeling my hand shaking. There was a pause. "er, no, I haven't seen him recently. I don't know where he is, I'm sorry Danny. I've tried phoning him, but he never answers." Carrie answered eventually, sounding upset. "oh, okay, call us if you hear anything please." I choked out, feeling two arms coming around me in support. "I will, you do the same. Bye Dan." Carrie turned the phone off, and I cried.

TOM

Carrie shut off the phone next to me, sighing. "you really should go home Tom, your breaking their hearts." She warned, giving me puppy eyes. "I can't, and I don't want to. I'm happy as I am." I played with my fingers, not wanting to look at her. "why can't you? And why don't you want to? There's nothing wrong with going home. You can't live like this." Carrie tried, but I was used to this speech, I got it every time I came round. "I just can't, and I'm not saying why. There's nothing wrong with the way I'm living, I'm happy, okay? If you're just going to lecture me, then I'm going." I stood up, grabbing my coat and walking out. "wait! Don't go, look, when was the last time you ate a cooked meal? Two weeks ago, when you came round last. Stay for dinner, please?" Carrie begged, making me stop at the door. "I'm not hungry, I'll see you around Carrie, sorry for bothering you again, but thanks for not telling anyone I'm here." I whimpered, walking down the street with my hood up, making sure no-one knew who I was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Realised I didn't say anything on the last chapter so, hi, this is my first full length fic that I've posted on here, so I'm still learning the ropes, so please bare with me! But this has also been posted on the official McFly boards, and it's not doing too badly over there, so I thought I'd try my hand with it over here. I hope you enjoy it! :)** **Also, if you do read, could you please review too? Thank you! :)**

Dougies POV

As the weeks went by, Danny got more and more depressed, wishing that Tom would just come home. We all wished he would come home, or at least tell us he was okay, or just contact us in some way. Danny was taking it the hardest, which was to be expected, Tom was his (ex?) boyfriend, having him disappear like this was killing him on the inside. "he'll come back Danny, I know he will." I encouraged, trying to smile. "its been 3 months, 12 days, and 6 hours since he disappeared, and no-one knows where he is, there isn't a trace of him." Danny whimpered, yawning loudly, he hadn't slept much since the disappearance. "someone will find something, we'll find him. You'll get him back soon." I promised, rubbing his shoulder. "how do you know that Dougs? How can you possibly know that? You can't know for sure that we will get him back! He is the love of my life and he has gone, without a trace! There's no clothes left, no car, no phone. Sh*t, I was going to ask him to move in with me and he's gone and run off without a trace!" Danny almost shouted, putting his head in his hands and sobbing.

"oh Dan, I know because he's Tom, we know him, and we've told the police where he is likely to be, their looking for him. And as you said, he has his car and phone, he'll have to fill up on petrol soon, and use his credit card. And he'll have his phone on, the police can trace those things, and using them they'll find him." Harry explained, squeezing between us and putting an arm around us both. "but I want him back now! Its not fair, I want him here!" Danny whimpered, grabbing hold of one of Toms toys, clutching it close. "we'll have him here soon, trust us, its Tom, he can't stay incognito for long. He'll slip up and give us a clue as to where he is, and then we'll have him back. Then Danny, Tom can move in with you, and we'll go back to normal." Harry kissed each of us on the head, giving us the comfort we both needed.

"c-can you guys stay tonight? I really want to hold someone, and be held." Danny whimpered, he looked so lost and helpless, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. "yeah, of course we'll stay Dan. You staying here or at your house tonight?" Harry smiled a little, grabbing Dannys hand and giving it a squeeze. "mine, everythings got to stay the same, for Tom. Its got to stay the same." Danny answered, he had had this strange idea in his head that everything had to look exactly how Tom left it. So when he came back, if he came back, he could carry on normally. Literally, no-one had slept in this house since Tom left, we always went back to our own places, leaving everything in the exact same place where they were left.

3) Toms POV

I was shivering, literally shivering like mad, but it was worth it. Just to see them, it was worth the risk of being caught, just to see Danny, Harry and Dougie. I was hiding in a tree across the street, hiding almost at the top, out of sight to anyone on the ground. How I had managed to get up here with no-one noticing I will never know, but I'm glad I did. The pain from missing the guys, especially Danny, killed me over and over again, but, seeing them, admittedly from a reasonably far distance, lessoned it a little.

I must have waited for over an hour before I saw them come out of my old house, and I gasped when I saw them. Danny had wrapped himself up in one of my blankets, being held in Harrys arms, looking like he was sleeping. Dougie locked up the house and joined the brunettes, sliding an arm around Harrys waist, walking down the road together to Dannys house, further away from me, looking so happy.

Really, I shouldn't have been shocked to know Danny had moved on already, but I was, it shocked me to see him already in another relationship, and all three boys looked like they loved each other a lot, a lot more than when I was around. That proved it then, it was a good thing I ran away, seeing my three old best friends walking down the road together proved they loved each other more than they ever loved me, now they could really be happy without me.

But why would they be coming out of my house? What could they possibly want there? Were they waiting for me, to tell me that they didn't want me anymore now they realised they loved each other? Or were they just getting rid of my stuff? Probably just getting rid of my junk, I had taken everything I wanted with me, apart from the stuff they had given me, I'm sure they got great pleasure from getting rid of it.

Eventually, I got out the tree, it must have been midnight now, curious to see what my house looked like. As carefully as I could, I crept down the road, trying to make sure no-one saw me, I had my hood up, and I was dressed all in black, so no-one should have seen me. Looking through the window, nothing had changed, absolutely nothing, it looked exactly how I remembered it. What the hell?

"hey, get away from that window!" someone shouted, someone with a Bolton accent. Oh that accent was heavenly, so heavenly, I could have listened to it all day. But I had to run, Danny couldn't know I was here, so I ran, as fast as I could. "yeah, run away and don't come back!" was the last thing I heard before I rounded the corner, breaking down crying. My heart hurt, my old boyfriend, who I still loved with everything, didn't want me anymore. He didn't want me to come back, he was happy with his life now. Rejection from someone I had run away from shouldn't hurt this bad, but it did. My whole body ached, just for Dannys touch, his strong arms around me, making the world feel safe and less scary. I ached to hear 'I love you' in that Bolton accent, those 3 words telling me that it was all okay, I was loved, safe, and not judged. Not hearing those words killed me on the inside, making me feel dead. "I'm sorry Danny, I won't come back." I cried, sliding down a wall and crying in a heap on the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

**Adding again, because there's been a lot of views. But please, please leave a comment if you read! I would love any type of feedback, including any constructive critism! But, thank you for reading anyway, and I hope you enjoy this next couple of adds:**

4) Harrys POV

"Danny what are you doing?" I asked, running outside, noticing him shouting down the road at nothing. "someone was there, looking in Toms window, they can't look in Toms house, its his!" Danny pointed to the end of the road, where the sound of a car driving off sounded. "Danny, your sleep deprived, your imagining things, come inside and go back to sleep before you wake up the neighbours." I sighed, putting an arm around the brunette and dragging him inside.

"you were sleeping just a minute ago, what happened?" I sat Danny down on the sofa, getting a bit worried for his mental state. "you know I can't sleep for long, I never can without knowing Toms safe. So I woke up, went and sat by the window, and saw someone at Toms house." Danny explained, laying down and curling up on his side. "okay then, well, its time for bed anyway, you coming with us?" I held out my hand for him, dragging him upstairs to his room, to find that Dougie had already crawled into bed and fallen asleep.

"your so lucky Harry, to have a lover who won't run away from you, will marry you, and love you with everything." Danny whimpered from behind me, and I could hear how he wanted to cry. "yeah, but Doug is different to Tom in some ways. He isn't as self conscious as Tom is, twice as shy, but he isn't affected by what everyone says about him. Tom takes everything to heart, and judging by the note he left behind, that was his problem. I'm sure when he has sorted his head out and calmed down, he'll come to his senses and come home. Now, calm down and get into bed, get some sleep. You never know, Tom could be home tomorrow!" I honestly tried to not make it sound too bad, or make it sound like Tom had a mental illness, which caused him to think he had to run away. Secretly, thats what I suspected happened, because, lets just say, Tom wasn't exactly the most...emotionally stable person. He had something similar to manic depression, I think, where he would be fine for weeks, months even, then one thing would happen and BOOM, he would be depressed for a month over that one thing. The only reasonable explanation as to why he had run off, after being a little depressed, was that someone had said something to him, or done something, to convince him that something was wrong with him, and he had run off, and would return when he thought he had perfected it. Personally, I also thought Carrie was covering for him as well, and actually knew where he was, but if she thought he was fine for the time being doing whatever he was doing, then I guessed he was okay.

"don't lie to me, he isn't coming back." Danny grumbled but got into bed. "hey, thinking like that definitely won't bring him back, will it? Think a little more positive, cause you never know, Tom could come home tomorrow." I encouraged, getting in as well, thankful for having long arms so I could hold him and Dougie at the same time.

5) Dannys POV

1 month, 2 months, 4 months, 5 and a half months, 5 and a half freaking months since Tom first disappeared and the only sign that Tom was alive were a few cash with drawls. £20, random days of the week, with different cash points around Covent Garden and the surrounding area. The police had checked literally everywhere any of us could think of in that area, and found no trace of Tom. I had spent my time sitting by the window, checking and making sure I was the first one to see Tom walking up the path, his hair shining in the sunlight, creating a halo on his head, his dimple digging deep into his cheek, his muscles just visible through his tshirt. But he never came, I never saw a sign or hint of a dimple, shining halo hair, or muscles.

Dougie sat with me a lot, looking down the other side of the road, making sure that he didn't come down that way. "any sign?" I would ask randomly, getting a head shake, or a 'no sign'. Each day I got more and more depressed, I wanted to see Tom so badly, I wanted to hold him in my arms, whisper 'I love you' in his ear, hold him until he felt no pain, make him feel safe in the scary world. Not being able to was slaughtering my insides, ripping them out like it was nothing, killing me slowly. I cried so much, I had never cried like this before, not even when my parents split up, this was a new level of pain, and I hated every second of it.

"Danny, stop looking at the window, you can't spend all your time looking through it." Harry sighed, pulling my shoulder to get me to move. "yes I can, Tom will come soon, and I'll be the first to see him." I whispered, never taking my eyes away from the path. "Danny, you can't sit here forever. And you'll always be the first to see him, you're the one who always answers the door! Just move away from the window, before you actually grow into it or something!" Dougie tried joking, pulling me as well. Between them, they managed to get me away from the window, but I kicked and screamed, crying out to be taken back. "let me go! Let me go! Take me back! I need to look for him!" I cried, needing to be taken back, I had to look out for Tom coming home, who else would look for him coming down the road? Who else would stop him if he carried on walking past, or went to one of our houses instead of his own? I had to be on the window sill, looking for him, or he could run away again.

"Danny, calm down. Stop worrying! Tom will ring the doorbell if he comes along, and you can answer the door first." Harry sighed, tightening his almost hulk-like grip on me. "b-but he needs me." I whimpered, giving up struggling and just letting myself be dragged off to the kitchen.


	4. Chapter 4

**thank you for your comments! :D **

6 Toms POV

I twisted and turned on the back seat of my car, trying to get comfy, finding it impossible. Why was it so hard all of a sudden to get comfy? I was usually fine, it must have been because it was cold. It was freezing cold outside, and in here, I could see my breath. My thin blanket did nothing to help me, and I let myself miss my bed. I missed my bed, and how warm it was, and how Danny would lay with me, holding my body close to his. But I had to stay here, and not go back, I couldn't go back. I had to stay here, and not go back, no matter how much I wanted to. The guys were happy now, without me, how could I ruin that? It just wasn't fair to ruin that, so I was staying, it was bad enough I risked it the other week to see them, I couldn't do that again.

In the end, I gave up and went to Carries, knowing I would end up annoying her so much in the end she would kick me out and not let me come back. "Tom? What are you doing here? Its 1am." Carrie mumbled, rubbing her eyes. "sorry, its just so cold. I'll go away if you want me to, sorry for bothering you." I shivered, turning to go. "no, stay, come in before your freeze to death." Carrie sighed, pulling me back in again.

"your lucky I've kept your bed made!" Carrie smiled a little, showing me the room she always let me stay in. "thank you, for letting me stay, it means a lot." I half smiled, scratching my arm for lack of anything better to do. "its alright, what else are brother and sister for? We're meant to look out for each other." Carrie smiled properly, giving me a hug, I didn't hug back, not sure if I could, but let the feeling of having someones arms around me warm me up a little.

"right, I think its time for bed. Promise to stay for breakfast in the morning?" Carrie asked, looking hopeful, giving me doe eyes. "promise, if you really want me to." I whispered, letting her squeeze my hand. "yay! Thank you!" Carrie grinned, skipping off to her own room. "hey, Carrie?" I stopped her, making her turn around. "yeah?" Carrie spun around. "don't tell anyone I'm here, please." I pleaded, like I did every time I came here. "of course I won't Tom, I promise every time to not tell anyone, don't I? Now go to sleep, you need it." Carrie grinned again, skipping into her own room.

7 Dougies POV

Somehow, we managed to distract Danny so he wasn't constantly looking at the window, and got him to do song writing. Now he was sat in the middle of the front room floor, writing songs in his lyric book, Toms Mickey Mouse toy on his lap, resting his chin on top of its head. We never looked at his songs, letting him take out his feelings in his songs, holding onto that toy like it was the only thing keeping him grounded.

"Danny, its lunch time, come on, we've ordered pizza." I bent down to shake him a little, knowing how Danny was a little jumpy at the moment. "its your favourite." I smiled, pulling him up. I led him to the kitchen, worried when he barely ate anything. "come on Dan, you gotta eat something." Harry encouraged, sighing. "I'm not hungry." Danny whimpered, putting down his pizza slice, crossing his arms. "Dan, eat, how can you be strong for Tom if your not strong yourself?" I reasoned, surely that would convince him? "but I wanna eat when he is eating, I feel sick without him anyway." Danny mumbled, playing with his fingers. "Dan, we all feel sick without Tom, you have to eat. Its not healthy not to." Harry explained, holding onto his hand and making him look at him.

"not as sick as I do. He wasn't your boyfriend, he was just your best friend, he was my boyfriend. My beautiful, troubled boyfriend, and now, because of my stupidity, he's gone. And we're never going to see him again, and its all my fault, that makes me feel sick. I can't ever forgive myself, the only hope I've got is that when Tom comes back and he'll hopefully forgive me." Danny growled, standing up and grabbing the toy and lyric book. "wait, Danny! What can't you forgive yourself for?" we ran off after him, catching him curled up on the stairs, crying. "I-I saw it, I saw something was wrong! I knew there was something wrong with Tom, and I didn't push him until he told me. God, if I could go back, I would, and tie him to a f*cking chair and not let him go until he told me. F*cking hell, why can't I go back and change it? I could have fixed him! I could have stopped him!" Danny cried, his shoulders shaking with barely contained sobs.

"oh Danny, none of us could stop him. We all knew something was wrong, but we couldn't stop it. We didn't know he was going to run away, did we? And we all tried talking to him, and Tom just didn't want to talk to us. None of us could really stop him, could we? If we knew what he was planning, we could have stopped him, but we couldn't help it. Stop blaming yourself, its pointless blaming ourselves. We've just got to wait for him, he'll come back, and if not, the police will find him. We'll get him back, I promise." Harry encouraged, rubbing Dannys arm in comfort. "what if he doesn't want to come back? What if the reason he ran off was because he hates us, or something like that? I can't stand thinking that he doesn't want us, me, anymore. I love him, I want him...need him back! I miss our cuddles, our kisses. I want him back so badly, I just need him back." Danny cried, breaking down completely.


	5. Chapter 5

8 Harrys POV

I let Danny cry into me for hours, holding him close as he sobbed, wailing out how much he wanted Tom back, and how much he needed him. "we know Dan, we all want him back, and Tom will come back. It may take a while, but we'll have him back soon, I promise we'll have him back soon." I sighed, squeezing his heaving body, trying to calm Dougie down as well. "I'm going to look for him tomorrow, I can't stand not looking for him." Danny whimpered, pulling at my shirt, trying to get closer to me. "okay, we'll all have a look for him. But we don't know where to look Danny, its like looking for a needle in a haystack." I didn't want to put him down, but we honestly had no idea where to look for him. So where would we look?

"we'll look at the last place we know he was." Danny calmed down a little, loosening his grip on me slightly. "and where was that Danny?" Dougie asked, hope filling his small eyes. "near Carries, we'll have a look round there for him. If not, we'll go somewhere else. We have to find him, and I want to find him first! I can't just sit around and wait for the police to find him, I have to find him myself, and say sorry for being an awful boyfriend." Danny explained, whimpering for the 100th time at the end. "Danny, you can't blame yourself, you werent an awful boyfriend. You tried to get what was wrong out of him, and he refused to tell you, thats not your fault. Thats Toms fault for not wanting to talk it through, you couldn't have known he was going to run away." I argued softly, Danny shouldn't have been blaming himself for this, it wasn't his fault that Tom wouldn't talk about what was going on and then ran away. Technically, it was Toms fault for it, if he had opened up to someone, then we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. We could have helped him, or at least tried to help him out, but instead he ran away.

So the next day, me, Dougie and Danny all went out and searched for Tom, near Carries apartment. We searched literally everywhere, and couldn't find him, or any signs of his car, anywhere. In the end, I suggested we went to Carries place, wanting to see if Danny would cheer up seeing another Fletcher. And Carrie could have given us ideas as to where Tom could be, and I secretly expected he would be there anyway, whenever Tom couldn't cope or was having problems he didn't want to talk to us about, he went to Carrie, seeking comfort at her house instead.

"guys! Danny, hi! What are you doing here?" Carrie cried when she opened the door, hugging Danny straight away. "we were looking for Tom, cause this was his last known place. We can't find him, so we came here, see if you could come up with anything." Danny explained, hugging the blonde girl (who was so like Tom, in so many ways) looking like he was going to cry. "yeah, have you seen anything? Or heard from him?" I continued, rubbing Dannys back. "erm, well, I did get a text this morning, saying that Tom was alright." Carrie bit her lip. "what? And you didn't tell me! Why didn't you tell me?!" Danny shouted, his head whipping up at lightning speed.

"Tom didn't want me to, okay? I shouldn't even be telling you this, he made me swear to not saying anything! But he texts me occasionally, and tells me, every time, not to tell anyone about it." Carrie explained, our jaws dropped.

9 Toms POV

I barely managed to escape this time, and I didn't even know how I managed it, the guys had turned up, just as I was about to leave, so I had run through the back door, escaping over the road behind Carries apartment. I hoped she wouldn't be too annoyed with me just running off without even telling her I was leaving, but I had to run, before someone else saw me. I didn't want someone else to see me, I wouldn't be able to take being brought back to my house, being forced to be with the loved up three. It still burnt, deep inside, it burnt like fire to know they were all together now, but I was getting used to it.

Somehow, I managed to get back to my car, avoiding cameras and people seeing me, driving back to my 'safe spot'. It was under a bridge, where nobody walked or drove near anymore, because half the bridge had fallen through. No-one had come anywhere near here for the whole time I had been using this spot, so I always came back to it. I parked up and clambered onto the back seat, finally breaking down crying again. My heart was burning with jealousy, pure, raging jealousy. Danny had been mine and only mine now Harry and Dougie had taken him, had taken my disappearance as an opportunity to steal his heart. I saw the way they were stood at the door, with their arms around my Boltoner, keeping their hands on him even as he hugged Carrie. How could I have been so stupid as to think that I would be missed enough for Danny not to move on? Why did I end up shocked to see him already onto his next boyfriends?! He hadn't loved me in the first place, why did it think he wouldn't just move on, like I hadn't even existed? Bl**dy hell, I was dumb, and I wasn't doing a very good job of moving on either.

I still thought about my old life every day, every single day I thought about it, and it stung, worse than anything I had ever felt. I missed having my daily hugs and kisses, our play fights, travelling the world and being 4 best friends (and lovers) in a band. Why hadn't I moved on yet? This was for the best, and it was proven, over and over that this was the best thing for the 4 of us! Danny had moved on, and found who he really loved, and Harry and Dougie got an extra lover in their marriage, why wasn't I happy yet?

I had to teach myself to be happy now, again, so I rolled up my sleeve, grabbed a razor, and sliced, creating another red line on my hacked up wrist, watching the hypnotising red liquid run down my arm to my elbow, feeling calm again.


	6. Chapter 6

10 Dannys POV

"why didn't you tell me Tom has been texting you? I have been going out of my mind with worry for him and you didn't tell me he is at least okay?" I shouted, breaking down into tears, I didn't mean to shout that loudly at Carrie, but when I found out she was lying to me about Tom, I got so angry. I had never been so emotional in my life, I cried at the drop of a hat at the moment, ever since Toms disappearance I had been so emotional. It made me realise how much I needed him, he actually kept me together, and kept me smiling, I was nothing without him.

"I'm sorry! But he begged me to never tell anyone, okay? He has begged me, over and over, to not tell anyone!" Carrie cried, sliding down the wall next to me. "but why doesn't he want us to know?" Harry asked, holding my hand as I fell onto his shoulder, whimpering for my lost lover. "I don't know, he won't tell me! He won't tell me anything!" Carrie whispered, leaning on me. "but why won't he tell anyone anything? Why can't he tell us at least something?!" I wailed, squeezing Carrie close, knowing she was the closest thing I had to Tom. "I don't know! I've begged him to go home to you guys so many times! He refuses to though!" Carrie explained, and my heart shattered.

Tom didn't want to come home, he really didn't want to come home. My shattered heart plummeted to the floor, the already shattered pieces breaking even more, making it impossible to rebuild. "he, refused to c-come home?" Dougie paled considerably, eyes wide with fear. "yeah, he doesn't want to come back, and he won't tell me why!" Carrie nodded, gripping onto my shirt. "Carrie, beg him, please, beg him. Get it out of him why he doesn't want to come home!" I pleaded, needing to know why at least Tom didn't want to come home! I thought he had been happy, and was just worrying about something, like he usually was. How could I have not pushed until I got what was wrong out of him?

Flashback 1st May 2010

"hey, Tom, whats up?" I asked, sliding onto the sofa, kissing his cheek. "the sky." Tom quipped, smiling shyly as I kissed him. "yes the sky, but whats up with you? Your not hanging out with the rest of us, and I haven't seen you eat for 3 days." I rolled my eyes, knowing the signs when Tom was worrying about something. "I'm fine, just a little tired." Toms usual excuse, something was up then. "really? You've slept in every day this week! Come on, whats really wrong?" I pushed, stroking his arm gently. "you really wanna know?" Tom sighed, leaning his head on my shoulder. "yeah, I wanna know. Your my boyfriend, I wanna know whats up with you! I always wanna see my Tom happy, but at the moment, your not my Tommy TomTom!" I giggled, making him smile some more.

"alright, look, I saw this tag on twitter, and it said, 'feed Tom' talking about me. Am I really that thin? Cause I thought I was alright, and well, not fat." Tom bit his lip, grabbing my hand and playing with our fingers. "oh Tom, your fine as you are. Your perfect to me, completely perfect to me. Your not too thin, and not too fat, your perfect. Stop worrying!" I kissed his hair, Tom always took everything to heart. "you really think that?" Tom looked to me with doe eyes. "yep, 100% believe that your perfect." I smiled, squeezing his fingers. "promise to stay with me, no matter what I look like?" Tom whispered. "I promise, I will stay with you through everything." I grinned, making him grin too.

11 Dougies POV

If we had thought Danny was depressed before, we hadn't seen anything yet, he really got depressed over the next few days, barely eating or sleeping, or doing anything. He was sure that Tom wasn't coming home now, and he had left us for good. To be honest, I thought the same thing, and to me, the pain was unbearable, I dreaded to think how Danny felt. Every morning, we always found him in Toms front room, in the middle of the floor, crying and hugging Marvin. And every day, we would look somewhere else for Tom, searching through half of London, not ever finding a trace of him.

"do you miss your daddy Marvin? Cause I miss your daddy, all the time, do you know where he is?" Danny asked, cuddling the ginger cat close. Marvin just meowed at him, somehow also looking depressed for his lost owner, "we'll find him Marvin, don't worry, we'll find him, he might not want to come back here, but we'll give you to him. I bet he misses you, more than he misses us, he loves you more than anything." Danny sniffed, cradling the cat like Tom would have, pressing his face into his fur.

"Danny, I know he misses us too, you've got to stop putting yourself down like this." Harry sighed, he was the only one who thought Tom was coming back and actually would come back willingly. I admired his hope, but I knew it was just a front for us, to keep up strong. "but if he missed us, he would have come home! And he isn't home! He doesn't want to come home, and he doesn't miss us!" Danny cried, letting those tears out, letting go of the cat.

"of course he misses us Danny! Don't be so silly! He'll come home when he is ready, and he obviously isn't ready yet! Just give it a little more time!" Harry tried, holding Danny close as he broke down into tears. "no he doesn't miss us! We would have gotten a text or something by now! He misses Carrie, not us, he doesn't care about us anymore! And why should he? I was a sh*t boyfriend, and didn't even try properly to get him to talk to me, no wonder he f*cking run off, I didn't treat him like I should have." Danny growled, getting up and running off outside. "Danny wait!" the both of us shouted, running off after him down the road and into his house, following his footsteps to his room, hearing the door slam and hysterical sobs.


	7. Chapter 7

12 Dannys POV

That was it, I broke down crying, sobbing as I realised how much of this was my fault. If I had just paid more attention to Tom, tried to get him to talk to me, or one of us, he could have still been here. I was riddled with guilt, I should have been able to get him to talk, he had been my lover of 4 years, why didn't he want to open up to me? Why did he feel like he couldn't open up to me? I would have listened, and tried to help him, I had done in the past, why couldn't I help him now? All I could think about was finding him, and wrapping him into my arms and not letting him go, letting him cry until he felt better. That was all I wanted, was to have Tom, my perfect Tom, back in my arms, safe and sound.

"Danny, open up the door for us! We need to talk about this." Harry pleaded, banging on the door. I ignored him, curling up underneath my duvet, laying on Toms side of the bed, wanting a muffled voice to tell me to 'sod off, you're heavy!' with an adorable giggle. Something rustled next to my ear, and I found it was the goodbye note Tom had written, and reading through it broke my heart all over again.

Danny, Harry and Dougie,

I'm so sorry, I really am, I am so, so sorry. I should have left a long time ago, and I'm sorry that I didn't. I've waited a long time, making sure it was the right thing to do, and it really is. I'm sorry for sticking around for so long, I should have gone sooner. But thank you for putting up with me for so long, it must have been tough to not just scream at me for being so d*mn annoying. I didn't mean to, I just wanted to feel safe and loved.

I love all you guys, and I didn't mean for things to turn out like this, but its obvious that I'm not wanted, or needed anymore. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend, and boyfriend, or even band mate. I only wanted to be more like you, everyone loves you, while no-one even likes me. I've taken everything I can with me, so you can just get rid of everything else, I'm not coming back, so I won't need anything else. Just get rid of everything and sell the house, get rid of any trace of me, and get on with your lives. You'll be happier without me anyway, I've noticed how you're always happier when I'm not joining in with whatever your doing. I'll stay away from now on, don't worry. I might come back, for something, no I won't, yes I will, no I won't.

I'll take my phone as well, if for some reason you want to talk to me, and please don't just use it to ask me to come back, because I won't. I'll want to, but I won't, you won't want it really. I won't cause any more pain to you guys, I want you to be happy, so please, forget about me and move on. I'll always love you guys, especially you, Danny, thank you for being kind for the past couple of years. I'm sorry that I love you, Danny, and that I'm not the kind of man you really want, and have basically just forced you to pretend to love me too. I won't force you anymore, I promise.

Thomas xxx

13 Toms POV

I curled up on the back seat of my car, wrapped in a thin blanket, sobbing. It was the middle of the day, and all I wanted was to have Dannys arms around me, his lips kissing my neck while whispering words of love to me. Right now, I didn't care that he had lied to me about loving me, I would happily go back and hear his lies and pretend everything was fine, just to hear the words 'I love you' just one more time. I wanted to hear those words, so, so badly, they made me feel safe, and loved, and cared for.

I suddenly had an idea and grabbed my phone, thanking that I still had charge on it, quickly going through to my videos. I clicked on any random one, watching the scene play out. It was from our last tour, and we were warming up for the show.

_"oooh who's your lover? I couldn't tell, when hell freezes over, that's when I'll tell!" me and Danny sang, giggling at each other as we pointed to one another for the first line. Danny leant closer and closer to me, until he wrapped his arms around me and whispered "your my lover, and I love you." Before he kissed me on the cheek. "Danny behave! Theres people here!" I giggled on screen, pushing at his chest lightly. "fine, want me to behave? I'll sing again... room on the third floor, not what we asked for!" Danny did his usual thing of singing in a way that made me cringe. _

_"Danny no! Your making me cringe!" I cried out, putting my hands over my ears. Of course, Danny carried on, singing Obviously, and more of Room On The Third Floor, following me around the dressing room. Dougie was giggling in the background, following us too as he filmed. "and I was afraid when you kissed me, on your intergalactical Frisbee, I wonder why, I wonder why, you never asked me to stay!" Danny started singing again, pressing himself close to me, slapping me on the bum playfully, giggling as I pushed him away. "I hate you at times you know." I joked, giggling anyway. "you love it all really! Like you love me." Danny laughed and jumped onto my back, attacking my neck with kisses, making me squeal. _

The memory made me weep even more, missing those old games, where I could smile and be happy. I bet Danny was happy right now, probably trying to wind up Harry in the same way, though it only ever effected me, and it was a well known that it only effected me. I could imagine the two brunette boys play fighting, rolling around one of their front room floors, trying to outdo each other, then Dougie running and jumping on top of them as well, being pinned by the older two and being tickled until he screamed. The want to be a part of it killed me, I so wanted to be a part of that play fight, helping to cause those happy smiles and laughs. But they were only smiling and laughing because I wasn't there, they were happier without me, I knew they were. They had probably forgotten I even existed anymore anyway, so there was no point in going back, cause them some more unnecessary pain. I was staying, right where I was, crying, and trying not to think about ending it all so I didn't go back.


	8. Chapter 8

**i've just remembered that i should have put a trigger warning on this story, so i'm going to put it in now: this fic contains self harm, eating disorders, and body dismorphic disorder, it could possibly be triggering. i'm sorry if it is triggering for anyone reading. **

14 Harrys POV

Danny stayed in his room for the rest of the day, eventually letting us in, curling up on our laps, whimpering that he wanted Tom. We let him ramble about how much Tom meant to him, and how he missed cuddling and kissing him, making him cringe by singing in that weird way, listening to his huge monologues about Star Wars, or some crazy idea he had had in his sleep. "I miss his dimple, and the way it pokes out, or is it in? As he sleeps, and how when he can't sleep he'll come round here, and bring Mickey with him, crawling into bed with me. He'll sleep right through then, he always has, I wonder if he's had any sleep? I hope he has, and some food, because he gets grumpy and even more emotional without food." Danny rambled, fiddling with Sonic the Hedgehog, Toms second favourite toy, that he surprisingly didn't take with him.

"I'm sure he's had something to eat Danny, what else would that £20 a week be for? And I don't know for sleep, but once we get him back, he can sleep for as long as he wants." I sighed, used to his rambling, making it even more clear about how much he loved and missed Tom. The way he talked about him was amazing, he knew literally everything about Tom, some of the stuff he hadn't even told us, that Danny knew just by instinct, like how he preferred to sleep, apparently it was curled up in Dannys arms, with Marvin, or Brucie at their feet.

"but what if he isn't sleeping, or eating? We all know that he goes through fazes, where he can't eat or sleep, what if he is having one of them? Or if his mood has swung really, really low, and he wants to commit suicide? You know he has issues, what if no-one stops him?" Danny paled considerably, whimpering as the thought hit him. "Tom won't do something like that! Theres no way he is that depressed, he won't kill himself Danny, trust us. He's never tried to before, why would he now?" Dougie also paled, little hand scrambling to find mine in sheer, well hidden, panic. "he isn't with us now, is he? You've read the note, he isn't exactly thinking straight! He could just think its all too much and just, do it, he'll disappear, thinking that we don't love him. Wait, w-what if he's a-already gone?" Danny panicked, tears leaking from his eyes again. "Danny calm down right now! Don't you think you would be able to tell if Tom wasn't alive anymore? Your almost inseparable normally, I think you would be able to tell if Tom wasn't alive! Calm down, he is alive!" I almost shouted, even thinking about Tom laying somewhere dark and cold, his wrists slit, or something similar, was enough to give me nightmares for months.

"b-but, what if we've gone out of tune or something since he's been gone?!" Danny shouted back, biting his nails to shreds. "Danny, do you really think you would have gotten 'out of tune' as you put it, with Tom? No, your connected on way too many levels to even go out of tune! Look, you would have felt it if Tom had gone, trust me, you would have felt it. Plus, he texted Carrie the other morning, I'm sure he is fine." I sighed, getting worried that Danny was cracking under the pressure. He never managed to survive and cope without Tom by his side, or at least a phone call or email away. Having to spend the past 7 months without him was obviously killing him and messing up his head.

15 Dougies POV

Again, that night, me and Harry stayed over and slept in Dannys bed with him, holding the sobbing boy close. This whole Tom disappearance was hurting him so much, I was surprised he hadn't started screaming yet, or had a complete breakdown. We were luckily tonight that Danny actually cried himself out, usually he stayed up all night, crying. "Tom... Tom, come back Tom!" Danny woke me up at midnight, moaning in his sleep, "Tom, please, come back! I love you!" Danny cried, writhing in our arms. "Danny, wake up! Wake up, your dreaming!" I shook him, hating seeing him being troubled even in his sleep.

"huh? What? I, Tom was running, and, what?" Danny woke up, rubbing his eyes. "you were dreaming Danny, I'm sorry, Toms not here." I sighed, not wanting to break his heart even more. "oh, sorry, I just," Danny whimpered, and I cut him off. "miss him so much?" I finished, squeezing him tightly, he nodded. "alright, back to sleep. We'll have another search tomorrow." Harry sighed, squeezing my hand tightly. "I know, I wanna save his life soon. I feel like I've lost a friend." Danny wiped his tears, settling back into his pillow, hugging Sonic close to his chest. "you haven't lost a friend, you've...temporally misplaced a friend. We'll get him back soon Danny, I promise." I lied, I didn't know when we would get Tom back, or if we would even get him back alive. I hoped against hope to get him back alive, he wouldn't be well, but alive was at least something. I missed Tom so bad I could have cried, I missed the days where we would speak like Jedward, or Charlie The Unicorn, or Pirates, or anything that came to mind. Or how I would do a Chewbacca impression, and Tom would reply like R2D2, grinning like an idiot. But most of all, I missed being able to have Tom there, laughing and joking with us all, playing pranks and generally being Tom. I missed him so much and I wanted him back soon, at the very least alive, I would take having him in the mental health unit, in a padded cell, at least I knew he was safe, and I could talk to him at some point. Right now, I didn't know if I would ever get to see him ever again, and the thought made me want to cry.

I ran through the corridors, begging for it not to be true, it couldn't be true! Somehow, I was running faster than Harry and Danny, reaching the morgue first. Bursting through the doors, I whimpered, realising what I was here to do. Harry and Danny joined me, and we all seemed to get scared as the doctor pulled the material off the bodies face. "oh god, Tom!" Danny whimpered, realising the...dead, man on the slab was Tom, our Tom. Our Thomas Michael Fletcher was dead, found on a street, his wrists slit, the words 'I love you guys, sorry' written in the middle of it.

I woke up screaming, terrified, thinking that had been real. "Dougie, what the hell?" Harry moaned, reaching out to stroke my hair. "T-Tom, he-he was d-dead! H-he s-slit his w-wrists, h-he didn't s-survive!" I cried, scrambling over Dannys half awake body to tuck myself into Harrys strong arms. "nightmare Dougs?" Harry sighed, kissing my forehead and rubbing my back. I nodded and sobbed into his chest, feeling Dannys arms wrap around me too. "I know how it feels D-Dougs, I've had the same dream hundreds of times. H-he never survives." Danny whimpered, silently crying into my shoulder, and a few seconds later, Harry let go too, all 3 of us crying into each other, wishing for our best friend to just come home.


	9. Chapter 9

16 Dannys POV

Another week went by, and nothing new came up, there was no news about Tom, and I felt so hopeless. This was my boyfriend that was missing, I had checked everywhere apart from Disneyland and NASA, and he certainly wasn't there, because the cash with drawls were coming out over here, in London.

"oh Tom, where are you?" I sighed, looking out of the window, thinking it might give me inspiration. I got nothing, all I could think about was Tom actually being dead, and not here, just...gone, without even a proper goodbye. If he was dead, at least he was in a place where he belonged, Heaven. I always said he was too beautiful for this Earth, though he never believed me, always thinking he was either too fat, or too thin, or his chin was too big, and so on and so forth. I loved him no matter what he said anyway, he was perfect to me, no matter what he thought, he was perfect.

I started to write down a few more lyrics into my lyric book.

'Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life'

I wished I could go back to the day before his disappearance and get him to talk to me, I really would have stayed up all night with him, got him to talk it all through with me, until he felt alright again, why hadn't I done that? I could feel tears leaking out my eyes again, wishing for a Delorian from Back To The Future, just to go back, or go forward, just to see if we ever got him back. I regretted so much, so, _so _much, I shouldn't have teased him, making him cringe by singing weirdly, and should have told him I loved him more, and cuddled him more, asked him to move in with me quicker.

I put my head in my hands, knocking off the lyric book, watching it fall off the edge of the windowsill, and into the road. "sh*t." I muttered, running downstairs and running outside to get it. "are you Daniel Jones?" someone made me jump, stepping in front of me. I looked up to see a solemn looking policeman in front of me. "y-yeah." I whimpered, thinking the worst. "I'm here about your missing persons case, with Thomas Fletcher." He explained simply, I could see the regret in his eyes, oh god, oh god no! "w-what about it?" I whispered, feeling a lump in my throat forming. "erm, go get your friend first." The man sighed, oh no, don't please tell me they had found his body! I preferred him missing than dead!

"Danny, whats going on?" Harry shouted, running out with Dougie. "you need to come with me, we have someone who _could _be Tom, we need you to ID him." The officer explained, and I knew that they only did that when you were in the morgue. "w-where is he?" Dougie teared up, backing into Harrys arms, grabbing his tshirt. "I'm sorry, he is in the morgue." As soon as he said it, I started to cry, our Tom was dead, and it was all my fault. "no, no, no, no, NO! Please, he can't be, he can't be d-dead! No!" I sunk to the floor, convulsing until I was curled into a ball, sobbing.

"it might not be him, it just fits his description. Just come with me and we'll see if its him or not." The officer gestured to the car, and I literally had to crawl into the car, unable to stand by myself. The three of us cried endlessly the whole way to the morgue, and I couldn't help but feel more and more dread build up inside me, what if it was Tom? What if Tom actually was dead? What was I going to do without him? I was useless without him, these few months proved that, I was so scared, what was I going to do without Tom? My beautiful, funny, loving, kind, sweet, adorable, Tom!

"if you would follow me." The officer led us into the morgue, all 3 of us clinging to each other and shaking, barely even shuffling forward. I whimpered as we entered the morgue, not about to take being here. The doctor greeted us and showed us to a table, the person hidden underneath a sheet. The sheet was removed from the mans face, and we all let out a joint sob. "I am so sorry." The doctor whispered.

17 Toms POV _the day before _

As I sat in the back seat of my car, I stared at the razor blade, in awe of its shining beauty, the way the metal glinted in the early morning sunlight was mesmerising. "now, do I use you or not?" I wondered to myself, unsure of whether or not I should be using it. I hadn't done something recently that could be seen as bad, nor did I feel that painful feeling of loss and helplessness, so I guessed not. I put it back into the packet, managing to slice my finger a little.

"ow, sh*t!" I looked at my finger, seeing one lone drop of blood roll down, leaving a red trail behind it. If I had thought the razor was hypnotising, it was nothing on the sight of blood rolling over my skin, my god, it was beautiful, almost as beautiful as Danny. Though nothing compared to him, nothing in the world could compare to how amazing he was. How he had managed to touch me, let alone anything else, was amazing. How could someone so incredible and god-like touch me and pretend to love me like he had? I was nothing compared to him, absolutely nothing, I was nowhere near perfect, or even normal, while he was literally everything that described perfection. Hell, he even pretended to love someone so below his league for 4 years, just so I could be happy, until I realised that I wasn't actually loved, and I was just bringing everyone down with my ugliness and problems.

I knew I had problems, I wasn't diagnosed with anything, but I knew there was something not right in my head, it wasn't effecting this decision though. This decision was a completely sane choice, I wasn't being stupid here, I was freeing Danny, Harry and Dougie, letting them live together happily without me there ruining it. Thinking about this made my mood plummet even worse than it had done before, I felt like I was at rock bottom, complete rock bottom, like I was drowning in my mental health problems, and general ugliness. I needed that release now, right this second, and only one thing could let me have it.

I scrambled back to get the razor again, picking it up, along with the towel I had brought for occasions like this, laying my arm on it and cutting. The skin tore open and again, that amazing, hypnotising red liquid fell over my pale arm, the colours warring against each other to be more beautiful. Somehow, I managed to tear myself out of its hypnotism, and wrapped the towel around my arm, trying to stop the blood, I was trying for over 10 minutes to get it to stop, but the blood just kept on coming. "sh*t! Stop bleeding please!" I whimpered, panicking, I really didn't want to die, I really wanted to carry on living, strangely enough.

I stumbled out of my car, feeling faint, managing to lock it then stumble to Carries, my head spinning and making me feel sick. I had get gather all my strength to get to her door and knock, feeling myself start to slip out of consciousness. The door opened and I just about managed to whisper "don't take me to the hospital, and don't...tell...Danny." the next thing I knew was blackness as my head smacked against the cold floor.


	10. Chapter 10

**don't think i said this earlier, but i hope everyone is having an awesome holiday! **

18 Harrys POV

"T-Tommy!" Danny cried into my shoulder, he couldn't even look at the body on the table. "I know Dan, I know. I'm sorry." I sighed, tonight was going to be a very long night, I could tell. "I'm so sorry for your loss, I really am, he seemed like a dear friend to you." The doctor frowned, making sure the bodies slit wrists were covered up. "I-Its not him, I-Its not T-Tom!" I whimpered, the body looked like Tom, but surely it wasn't? Surely he hadn't committed suicide, surely, he was mentally ill, but he wasn't that ill, was he? "what do you mean?" the doctor asked, looking curious. "I-It looks like Tom, b-but it can't b-be him! H-he isn't that I-Ill, he w-wouldn't do that!" I stuttered, trying so hard to cling to the hope that this wasn't Tom, this wasn't our Tom.

"well, how can you be sure? Does he have any tattoos or any distinguishing features we can check for?" the doctor gestured to the body, and we all had the same idea. "his star tattoos!" all of us shouted, remembering the tattoo on his chest and foot, that had been there for the past 7 years. I rushed to explain there was one on his chest, not wanting to actually look myself, in case it was actually Tom.

Both Danny and Dougie whimpered as the sheet was pulled down a little further, showing us the...tattoo free chest! It wasn't Tom! Tom was still alive! "its not Tom! He's alive! He's alive! Toms still alive!" Danny squealed and jumped a foot in the air, landing on me and making me hold him up. "I-Its not him?" Dougie whispered, and I realised he hadn't moved his head from my shoulder yet, so he hadn't seen. "no, its not Dougs, its not Tom. Toms alive, and out there somewhere!" I confirmed for him, feeling him start crying even more, at least they were happy tears this time.

We went home and flopped onto the sofa, feeling relieved, knowing it hadn't been Tom. It would have been good to know where he was, but crippling to know we wouldn't see him again, so I was so glad that Tom was actually alive. But I wanted to know where he was now, just to make sure he was okay, and to put Danny and Dougie out of their misery. Danny was falling deeper and deeper into depression, tearing himself apart in sorrow, blaming himself completely for the disappearance, he was falling to pieces on the inside. And poor Dougie was worrying himself sick, crying himself to sleep every night we were alone, whimpering for his best friend to come home, so he could hold him and make sure he was okay. No matter how many times I told him that Tom was okay, and just a little bit messed up in the head, he didn't believe me. Dougie always had to touch and physically see that everything was okay before he believed anything. I just wished Tom would come home, so he was safe, and to show both Danny and Dougie that everything was actually okay, and that Tom was going to be okay, then convince myself that it would be.

19 Dougies POV

That night, Danny let me take home one of Toms other toys, so I could cuddle it tonight, I just wanted to feel closer to my best friend, and this was the only way I could think of. As soon as I got into bed with Harry, I curled up to him and almost buried myself inside him, wanting to hide from the days events. For an hour, I thought Tom was dead, I had thought my best friend was dead, and I couldn't take the thought of that.

"shhh Dougie, shhh, its all okay. Toms still alive, he's somewhere out there, and we're going to find him." Harry whispered, kissing my hair. "I-I thought he h-had died!" I cried, gripping both him and the toy I had borrowed, not even wanting to imagine what life would be like without Tom, it was bad enough he wasn't here right now, if he died, I wouldn't be able to cope. "I know you did, we all did, but it wasn't him. It wasn't our Tom, you saw, he just looked like Tom, there wasn't a tattoo, so it couldn't be him." Harry promised, squeezing my body close. "please, don't you dare ever run off like Tom has. I'll kill you myself!" I warned, trying to grab hold of his tshirt, forgetting about him taking it off earlier.

"I won't Dougs, I would never even think about running off like that. I wouldn't ever worry you like that, and I would never want to feel your wrath!" Harry tried to joke unsuccessfully, grabbing my hand, kissing it. "don't even joke at a time like this. Not until Tom is back! How can you be joking right now?" I whimpered, nuzzling more into his chest, gripping his hand. "I'm only trying to cheer you up Dougs, I hate seeing you so upset, you haven't smiled or laughed in 7 months. You have no idea what that does to me. I'm sorry, I just want to see you happy." Harry sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I'll be happy when Toms back and okay. Thats if he ever comes back." I whimpered the last part, needing to see Tom so badly now, just to hold him and tell him that he'll be okay, that we all loved him so much, he never ruined anything.

I spent my whole night awake, tossing and turning, scared to fall asleep and have another nightmare about the morgue. I had been having the same nightmare for over a week, waking up screaming every time, thinking that it had been real. I had to sternly remind myself that Tom was still out there, waiting to be found, and not in the morgue. Though, what if he was? Or had no-one found him yet and he was laying in a ditch somewhere, surrounded by his own blood? What if we never found him, and he died, without us even knowing, still thinking he was unwanted? He couldn't die like that, he just couldn't, he had to survive, had to know that we loved him!


	11. Chapter 11

20 Toms POV

When I woke up, I was surrounded by white walls, and there was a beeping sound coming from somewhere. "huh?" I whispered, looking around, realising where I was. I was in hospital, after I had passed out! "hey Tom, your in hospital, because you passed out yesterday!" Carrie smiled, moving to sit on the bed with me. "b-but I told you not to take me here!" I came to my senses, remembering that I had told her to not bring me here! "well I don't care what you told me! If I didn't bring you here, you were going to die, okay? And I'm not going to let you die!" Carrie almost glared, giving me that stern look that usually I would have given her.

"I would not have died Carrie, I just passed out!" I protested, though I knew she was right. It didn't really seem like a bad idea, but I was scared to die, so I didn't try to kill myself. "oh really? Thats why when the paramedics found you they said if they had been a minute later, you would have actually gone, is it? Why did you even cut yourself? Why? There is no point in it, and you scared the living daylights out of me! F*cking hell Tom, you really scared me!" Carrie leant down and hugged me tightly, crying as I whimpered. "I'm sorry! I just can't take being here anymore! I can't take knowing that no-one wants me and nobody even cares if I live or die! Your the only one that does even care, I'm sorry!" I squeezed her tightly, burying my face in her blonde hair.

"what? Tom, there are loads of people that care about you! I'm not the only one, Danny, Harry and Dougie are worried sick about you! Your all they think about, honestly, you are all they think about, they care whether you live or die." So they know when to get rid of your house and everything else. I finished for her, knowing they didn't care about my actual life. "they're not here, are they?" I asked, starting to plan an escape route if they were. "no, they're at home. I haven't told them, because you told me not too. I had to get you here, but if you really don't want them to know your here, then I'm not going to tell them." Carrie smiled as a doctor walked in.

"ah, finally awake I see? Thats good, so, mind telling me what your doing exactly?" the doctor asked, he was tall and skinny, quite pale, with light brown hair and brown eyes. His name tag read 'Matthew Gray Gubler'. I looked at him confused, what did he mean by that and what did he want? "okay, so your still a little out of it, so mind telling me why you were trying to kill yourself?" he explained, shining a light into my eyes and checking up on other things. "I-I wasn't, I wasn't trying to!" I whimpered, knowing that if he thought I was suicidal, he would lock me up somewhere, and tell the guys. Then they would come along and pretend to be concerned for me, and there was no way I could take that. "oh really, then what were you doing?" he raised an eyebrow, giving me a condescending look. "nothing, it was nothing. I just fell on some glass." I lied, fiddling with my fingers, knowing that wasn't at all convincing. The doctor sighed loudly, writing some things down on his notepad. "thats a clear lie and you both know it. I'm arranging for a physiological consult, because judging by your arm, this isn't the first time you've tried." His words made us freeze, and with that he walked out, and I started to cry.

21 Dannys POV

I woke up screaming again, for the third time that day, crying as I thought about the morgue. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Tom, laying on the mortuary slab, having actually died. "Danny, he didn't die. He's still out there." Harry sighed from the arm of the sofa I was laying on. Dougie was curled up in his arms, looking as depressed as I felt, clinging to the toy I had given him the night before. "I want to find him." He whispered, in a broken tone, nuzzling into Harrys chest. "we'll find him, eventually, we'll find him and bring him home." Harry promised, squeezing the blonde close, and I was hit with a spike of jealousy.

I wanted to hold my little blonde boy, sit him on my lap and tell him everything would be okay, kiss him until he ran out of breath, tell him that I loved him so much, I would die for him. "thats if he wants to come home." I growled, curling up into a ball and hugging my legs, pretending they were Toms muscular chest, that made me feel so safe. "I'm sure he'll want to come home once he see's us and realises how much we all miss each other. You never know, he could want to come home, but is too worried about what we're going to say." Harry encouraged uselessly, clutching at Dougie, almost like he was subconsciously worried Dougie would do the same thing. "yeah right, you heard Carrie, he doesn't want to come home. We've lost him for good." I cried, realising how much I had actually lost and what I wasn't ever getting back.

Flashback - May 4th 2010

"guess who!" Tom laughed, putting his hands over my eyes. "oh I dunno, Santa?" I giggled, teasing the blonde. "no! Guess again!" Tom giggled dorkily, and I imagined his dimple poking in his cheek. "is it Mickey Mouse?" I had to bite my lip to not laugh even more. "no! Come on Rat Leg, you know who it is!" Tom was bouncing on his heels, and I wondered why he was excited. "of course I know who it is, its a very excited Tommy!" I turned around and wrapped him into my arms, "why now are you so excited? Have you found another amazing musical to see?"

"no silly! Its May the 4th!" Tom grinned, and I didn't get it. "huh?" I gave him a confused look. "its May the 4th Danny, May the 4th." Tom repeated, indicating his outfit. A black Star Wars tshirt, jeans, Jedi dressing gown...oh May the 4th. "oh, may the force be with you!" I made him grin, and pushed up his glasses, kissing his nose. "exactly! Its international Star Wars day!" Tom squeaked, jumping so I was carrying him. "let me guess, we have a day off, so you want to watch all 6 films with me?" I seemingly read his mind, watching him nod frantically, squeaking loudly when I started to carry him upstairs.

Flashback end

I missed that dorky sense of humour, that always was a little bit childish, and never failed to not cheer me up. I missed being able to have him jump into my arms and let me carry him around, that ended up with us having a tickle fight or something similar. I hadn't had that in almost a year, because Tom hadn't let me do that, or been his usual dorky (but adorable) self for about 2 months before he ran off. It felt even worse to think I hadn't seen the normal, happy Tom in over 9 months, 9 whole, horrible months. I wanted Tom back, the whole of him, lame jokes, sci-fi film obsession, artistic, singer, song-writer, my boyfriend Tom back.


	12. Chapter 12

**Okay, I'm going to add one more time, and if I don't get any comments, I'm not going to update any more. I'm sorry to anyone reading this, but its very disheartening to update, and see the view count go up, while the comment count stays the same. I understand that its been the Christmas Holidays and everything, but if you are reading something, it doesn't take an extra minute to say something like 'good add' or even say something that the writer can improve upon. Constructive critism is one of the greatest things you can give someone, and to me personally, any comment, about any aspect of the chapter is greatly appreciated. I'm not the only one who feels like this, I've been talking to a few other fan fiction writers, and we all feel the same way. So I am begging you, if you read a chapter, please, just write a few words about it as a comment, it doesn't take a minute, and it is greatly appreciated by the author. Thank you in advance. **

22 Toms POV

Carrie left at 9 that evening, leaving me alone in the hospital, surrounded by the white walls and beeping noises. Within the space of an hour, I managed to freak myself out completely, scared witless that someone was going to phone Danny and tell him where I was. If he found out, he would come here, and have to pretend to care, pretend to love me, have to actually talk and look at me. I didn't want him to have to do that, he was happy now, he had his boyfriends, he didn't need to have his ex fake boyfriend dragging him down.

I had to get out of here, before someone phoned him, or someone from the mental health unit came along to talk to me, they wouldn't see that this way was the best for everyone, they would see me as crazy. I wasn't crazy! I was just making sure that my best friends were happy, and they were happy without me, so I wasn't going to disturb or make them pretend anymore.

Carefully, after a nurse had come in and did one last check on me and tucked me in had gone, I put my plan into action. The blinds were drawn and the curtains were closed, so I wasn't going to be seen. With a shaking hand I reached up and turned off the machines, crossing my fingers that they wouldn't send alarm bells off, luckily, they didn't, so I pulled the wires off my chest and took the needle out of my hand. Then I quickly rushed to get changed into the clothes Carrie had brought with her, and grabbed the bag she had also brought, sneaking out of my room. But before I left, I quickly left behind a note from my lyric book, 'I'm sorry, bye' was the only thing written on it, so hopefully Carrie would know it was for her, she was going to be free of me now. There was no-one here on the ward, so I walked pretty calmly away, thinking that it was better than I was acting like I was just visiting someone and had stayed late than someone who was trying to escape.

Somehow, I made it through the hospital and out the car park without anyone noticing me. Thats when I started running, not wanting to tempt fate and actually be seen. I actually ran the whole way until I reached my car, jumping in and driving off from my spot, thinking that someone would figure out that this was where I was hiding. Eventually, I found another spot like my last one, parked up and let myself breathe at last. That had been close, none of the nurses or doctors that had passed me had known who I was, or that I was supposed to be a patient. I smiled, I had been invisible, like I always wanted to be, it had worked! But now I had to be super careful, and really try to not get caught, they would send me straight back to the hospital, and probably to mental health doctors. So I had to be completely invisible now, and not phone anyone, or see anyone, no more visits to Carrie, no more trying to see the guys, and keep the cash with drawls to a bare minimum. This was going to be hard, now that people were now probably looking for me, but it was worth it, it was worth it to know that Danny was happier now, thats what mattered, that Danny, Harry, Dougie and Carrie were happy now.

23 Harrys POV

In the morning, we got a frantic phone call from Carrie, she was talking so fast I couldn't even understand her. "whoa, whoa, whoa! Carrie slow down and take a deep breath, whats happened?" I slowed her, rubbing sleep away from my eyes. "Tomwasinhospitalandiwenthome lastnightandnowhesnothereand ireallyreallyneedyouguyshere now!" Carrie explained, and I still barely understood her. "okay calm down, we'll come over to yours and talk to you there, okay? Your making no sense!" I tried my hardest to keep myself calm, all I heard was 'Tom' and 'hospital' those things in the same sentence scared the hell out of me.

"I'm not at home! I'm at the hospital!" Carrie sighed, I could hear how stressed she was. "alright, give us 20 minutes." I hung up and explained to Danny and Dougie what that was about. "Tom...hospital? he-he was in hospital?" Danny paled, eyes wide with pure fear. "yeah, I think so. We've got to go and meet Carrie there, I'm not sure what happened, but whatever it is, its freaked her out." I explained, pocketing my phone and pulling on my shoes, thankful that I had already eaten breakfast. "w-what if h-he's dying? Harry, I can't have another day like yesterday!" Danny whimpered, clinging to Sonic again. "Danny, we don't know whats gone on, and we'll find out soon enough. Toms probably not dying, you never know, Tom might just be in hospital because Carrie has brought him there!" I sighed, knowing the car journey was going to be hell. "yeah but why would she be that stressed if that was true?!" Dougie agreed with Danny, looking to me for a sensible answer.

I had nothing, and could only say that we had to get in the car, and we'll find out there. The drive was hell, with the youngest of all four of us (yes, I still thought of us as a four, just with one that was...on holiday) panicking the whole way, scared witless that Tom was in serious danger of dying and yesterday was going to be repeated. They literally ran over to a crying Carrie as soon as I parked the car, I followed along behind, trying to work out what the girl was saying.

"he-he, he was here last night, and he's gone! He's gone, and only left this behind!" Carrie showed us the piece of paper from Toms lyric book, 'I'm sorry, bye' scrawled in his scruffy writing. "sh*t, now whats he doing?" I swore, my thoughts frantically whizzing all over the place, wondering what the hell Tom was up to, running off like this. "what did the doctors say yesterday?" Danny asked, barely keeping in tears. "the doctor thought he had tried to commit suicide, but he didn't! He came to me, so I could help him! He doesn't want to die! A-and the doctor said, he wanted to get one of the shrinks to see him! He was so upset, he said he didn't want to see them! That must have made him run off!" Carrie explained, and I could almost feel our joint heart break at the suicide thing.

"h-how is he trying to kill himself?" Danny shook next to me, paling so much his freckles looked black. "he's, he's cutting himself. Theres, like, 15 cuts on his wrists. I'm sorry, if I had known, I would have sent him straight to someone who could help him! I don't know what he's going to do now! I wish I even knew where he was!" Carrie panicked, hugging herself, bottom lip quivering.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you for your comments! :) I'll be continuing this fic as long as there are readers and commenter's, so thank you for the comments!  
**

24 Dougies POV

Tom was cutting himself, and trying to commit suicide? The want to find him and hold him until he felt loved filled my whole body, and I promised myself I would make sure that as soon as I got Tom back, I was going to convince him that he was loved, that he was my best friend, and there was no need for him to be hurting himself. "whoa, the hospital want to send him to the mental health ward?" Harry back tracked, clutching at both me and Danny so neither of us collapsed. "they want at least a consult for him. But he ran off before they talked to him! Theres no way they don't think he's not nuts now!" Carrie cried, tugging at her curly hair.

"no, it'll be fine, I'm sure, we'll just have to find him first and explain he was scared, and not right in the head at the time, that he will be fine when we find him! Or they might just give him some medication, and it'll be fine with that, it won't be too bad, I'm sure!" I whimpered, having to sit down now, feeling my legs turn weak. All 4 of us slumped to the floor, unsure that even if we got Tom back, if he would be ours again straight away. What if the hospital did take him away from us? There was no way any of us would cope with having him for a little while, only for him to be ripped away again. Danny certainly wouldn't cope, he had his heart set on finding Tom and bringing him home straight away, making up for all the time he had lost. "what if it is that bad? What if they really think he isn't stable enough to come home?" Danny asked, and the feeling of helplessness was radiating off him.

"he'll come home eventually, as soon as he is well enough." A man behind us made us jump, "sorry to disturb you, but I was assigned to Thomas's case yesterday, and as you know, he has run off. I was wondering if you knew where he was." The skinny brunette man asked us, looking expectant. "if we knew, we would be finding him ourselves. He's been missing for over 7 months, he just ran off, and now we have no idea on where he is." Harry sighed, running his fingers over my hip gently, relaxing my tense body a little. "really?, you failed to tell us this yesterday." The doctor turned to a nervous looking Carrie, who paled a little more. "I'm sorry! But I'm just trying to protect Toms wishes, and he wants to be left alone, he didn't even want to be brought here! I didn't think he was going to run off like he has done! Look, I know it was wrong, but Tom genuinely didn't want people to know he had run off and I figured you would find out anyway! Sorry!" Carrie explained, slumping forward a little more.

25 Toms POV

I completely lost track of time, and soon I had no idea what day it was, or what time it was. I daren't switch on my phone, scared someone would find my location from that, and I feared how many texts and phone calls I had from Carrie. She really needed to stop worrying about me, and get on with her life, I wasn't exactly special, or even normal, so really there was no point in trying to get hold of me.

At this moment, all I knew was that I was hungry, really, really hungry. So I decided to risk a trip out to the bakers nearby to get some food. I only ever ventured out of my car now when I was so hungry I was about to start feeling faint, which was never a good sign. At the bakers, I picked up a bacon baguette and some crisps, for later. Looking at them, I smiled a little at the memory of shouting at Danny to 'get the crisps' and him chucking them at me, causing a play fight that I somehow managed to win. They were the same flavour too, cheese and onion, reminding me so much of that day. The person on the counter smiled a little at me as I paid for my food, and I managed a smile back, feeling like I could, just to be polite, though I never said a word. It had been at least a month since I had last spoken, the last person to hear my voice being Carrie at the hospital, and that I knew had been ages ago.

I ate my baguette on the way back to my car, listening to my ipod, feeling a little cheered up to hear Dannys voice singing, like he was singing to me. Though, he was singing Nowhere Left To Run, which worried me a little, like even my ipod was telling me I was running out of places to hide. For about a week now, I had been feeling like I was being followed, and watched by people, who were closing in on me. I had been able to shrug it off for a while, but now it was getting worse, like I knew subconsciously that I was going to be found soon.

I hated that feeling, I didn't want to be found, I wanted to stay incognito, after managing for so long without being found. It wasn't like I didn't want to see Danny, Harry and Dougie again, I did, really badly, I just didn't want to end up making them pretend that they liked me anymore. It would be so painful to knowingly make them pretend to like me, while I knew that they were secretly all together, I wouldn't ever get in the way of that, if they were happy, I was happy, on the outside anyway. On the inside, seeing that would make me die, but on the outside I would pretend to be happy for them, and not make Danny think he had to love me instead.

That was my plan for if I ever was brought back to them, forced back into being in a band, don't get me wrong I loved the band, and the guys, but I wouldn't ever break up the happy threesome. That would be wrong to do that just for my own happiness, and I really badly didn't want them to hate me, though I suspected they already did, for actually hanging around for as long as I did. At least I was gone now, and if I ever was caught, I would try and be happy for them, and stay out of their way, until I got the chance to run off again.


	14. Chapter 14

**thank you all so much for your comments! **

**xxPUDDxx - thank you! we'll have to wait and see if Tom comes back soon or not ;) (awesome name by the way) :)**

**Neon Douche - thank you, and I'm not going to stop any time soon, don't worry! :) **

**GalaxyDefender23 - I could never kill off Tom, I may torture him over and over, but I could never kill him off, I love him far too much! I've actually already written this whole fic, and have started work on the sequel. I finished posting it on the official boards and decided to try it out here, so its all finished and ready to be posted! :) **

26 Dannys POV

Every day passing made me more depressed, knowing that Tom was suicidal and out there on his own was killing me on the inside. I know that Carrie said he wasn't suicidal, but I thought she was lying to me to protect the both of us. I didn't know who I was angrier at, myself, for not actually paying attention to Toms weird behaviour, or Tom himself for not telling me. He should have told me what was up with him! Why didn't he tell me?! And why didn't I ask him more times what was up, or go home with him that day? Why didn't I go home with him and stop him from going anywhere until he told me what was happening?!

"argh!" I put my face in my hands, pulling my hair in frustration. I tugged particularly hard on a curl, pain shooting through my head, giving me a split second of relief. But it was gone too soon, so I tugged again, getting that relief again. Was this what Tom felt when he cut himself? Because if this was the relief he got I could see why he did it. I wondered, what would happen if I did it, got a razor blade and cut across my wrist, just once, what would happen? As quick as possible, I scrambled up and grabbed the packet of razor from the sink, wanting to see if this stopped the 1001 thoughts running through my crowded head. All of them revolved around Tom, all my regrets, everything we did together, whether or not he was still alive, and if we could ever be the same again.

"just once, thats it, just the once. Just to see." I muttered, putting the blade to my wrist. "Danny no!" Harry ran in and grabbed the blade off me, breaking me from my thoughts. "what the hell did you think you were doing? F*cking hell Dan, do you really think cutting yourself is a good idea?" Harry made me look at him, and I realised what I was about to do. "no, sorry, I just... want it to stop." I sniffed, hesitantly moving in for a hug. "want what to stop?" Dougie asked, squeezing himself between us. "all the thoughts in my head. Just, worrying about Tom, and all the regret, and the good times, and everything to do with him." I explained, finding a bit of comfort from being held by the two boys.

"oh Danny, come on, cutting isn't the way to go about getting rid of them. Talk to us, don't turn to self harm." Harry sighed, squeezing the both of us. "fine, but, how am I supposed to get rid of these thoughts in my head? Its just everything, I need him back. Its his 25th in 2 days, and I don't know if I'm going to cope through it, knowing he should be here, with us. He should spend his birthday laughing and joking with us, eating cake and watching Star Wars, not hiding god knows where, and I know he is gunna cry all day. With no-one to hug him, and tell him that he is loved." I whimpered at the thought, thinking of Tom, sitting in his car, sobbing on his own was one of the most heart breaking scenes ever. Especially now he had turned to self harm, there was no doubt he was going to hurt himself, and the thought killed me.

27 Dougies POV

Now that Danny had said it, I realised it was nearly Toms birthday, and it made me want to find him even more. He needed to feel loved, to have a happy birthday, so he didn't try to kill himself. I hoped to god he wouldn't try to kill himself from the depression he had caused himself. I hated thinking that this was all his fault, because it really was his fault, if he hadn't run off, he wouldn't feel like he did, because we would be telling him that we loved him.

"we'll find him soon Danny, and we'll celebrate his birthday together. It may be a bit late, but we'll make him feel loved, and we'll give him that birthday he deserves." Harry promised, stroking our sides. "are you sure about that? Cause I really want to give the best, on his actual birthday, and tell him that I love him." Danny sighed, fiddling with his fingers. "well then, text him on his birthday, tell him that, and tell him to come home. Tom will probably get it, and he'll know." Harry suggested, making Danny smile a bit.

2 days later was of course Toms birthday, and Danny ended up actually going out and buying Tom a present, just in case. He got him a Star Wars blanket, and when you put it in the dark, the light sabres would glow. "Tom will like that, cause he loves Star Wars, and thinks the monsters in the dark are going to get him, so if it glows, he's not going to be hurt by them." He explained, taking a picture and sending it to Tom also typing a huge long paragraph to him, telling him how much he was missed and loved.


	15. Chapter 15

**thank you all again for your comments! **

**partygirlgrace - Tom does need to realise it, but he probably won't yet :/**

**xxPUDDxx - i'll see what i can do... maybe, mwhahaha xD**

**El-Poynterx - we'll have to wait and see if he comes back! :)**

**Neon Douche - haha! same here!**

28 Toms POV

I woke up and groaned, my back was hurting so much, and actually, my whole body ached. What had I done last night? Oh yeah, slept on the back seat of the car again. It always hurt when I did that, but I couldn't do anything about it, just dealt with it.

After I had woken up a little, I turned on the car, wanting a little bit of warmth, because it was raining outside and it was freezing! I was shocked to find that it was actually my birthday, meaning almost a year had passed since I had first run off! Time really did fly then, because wow, I wasn't expecting that! I wondered if anybody else had realised, or had forgotten like I had, surely no-one had remembered, everyone was probably busy with their lives.

Curiosity got the better of me, and I turned on my phone, finding I had over 50 texts, dating back months, from the last time since I turned my phone on. I deleted the lot of them, knowing they were only from Carrie, telling me to come home, blah, blah, blah. The same talk she always gave me whenever I saw her, now with maybe a little more desperation in it because I wasn't actually there. I was brought out of my musings by feeling my phone vibrate again, signalling another text.

It was from Danny, and it was a picture of something. Opening it, I found it was a picture of a Star Wars blanket, the text underneath read: 'happy birthday Tom, I knew I would remember! 33' the hearts stung and warmed my heart at the same time, but he was still pretending to love me! Why the hell was he still trying to make me believe that he loved me?! F*cking hell, it had almost been a year and he still hadn't forgotten me yet? How could he forget everything else but not me? And why was it this year that he remembered my birthday, every other year he got either the wrong day, or the wrong month! How did he even remember it this time?! I was so angry with myself, so, so angry with myself for not trying hard enough, for making Danny still remember who I was, and what day it is, making him buy me something, even though I wasn't even there to have it! I was so stupid, so freaking pathetic and such a useless failure! Tears stung my eyes and I scrambled to find my razor and towel again, to punish myself for not doing the simplest thing in the world. Making Danny Jones, legendarily stupid guitarist, who forgot everything, to forget his fake boyfriend.

I put the blade to my arm, ready to start pressing down, when another text came through, again, it was from Danny, and I stopped to read it. Might as well do all the punishing in one go, instead of doing one now and another in 10 minutes or whatever. 'Tom, I know your probably not going to read this, but I'm going to tell you anyway, in case you do. Happy birthday, I love you, I really love you Tom, and I wish you would come home. I know I'm not the best boyfriend in the world, I normally can't even remember your middle name (its Michael, I know it this time! Promise baby) or your birthday (its today, I remembered that too, I'm getting better, slowly, but I'm getting better). But I want you to know that I love you, and I miss you, every day, all the time. I would write you a song, but I'm not good at lyrics, thats your speciality, your the best song writer I know, so any song I could come up with would be awful compared to your amazing ability. This probably sounds really cheesy, but I can't help it, I am really cheesy when it comes to love. I'm not going to ask you to come home either, because I know you don't really want to, but I'm asking you to be safe, and to try and not hurt yourself. I want you to be happy baby, cause when your happy, I'm happy, so I hope if you read this, you feel a little happier, be safe please. Rat Leg Danny xxxxxx'

Reading through the text (that took two pages up) made me sob, he was trying to be so heartfelt and so much like my Danny that it actually hurt me. He was still trying to make me happy, and be that way beyond perfect guy I had been proud to call my boyfriend. Even after all this time, after moving on to a new relationship, he still was trying to pretend to me. What hurt the most was that he was saying that he loved me, and that I was the amazing one out of the two of us, when clearly he was the amazing one who shouldn't have to pretend to love someone like me. "you idiot, oh your stupid f*cking idiot!" I growled to myself, chucking my phone across the car and grabbing my razor again, needing to feel that skin split underneath my hand and ease the pain from my mistakes.

So I cut, 3 gashes along my arm, not deep enough to cause enough bleeding to cause another accident like last time, but enough to punish myself for being such a d*mn failure.

29 Harrys POV

Me and Dougie also texted Tom, saying that we loved him and we hoped he was happy. Obviously, we didn't get a reply, but we hoped all the same that Tom had at least read them, and felt a little better because of them. Danny had spent the day wrapping Toms present up, making it look as good as possible, wrapping it up in different wrapping paper, then taking it all off again, trying to make it look 'as perfect as Tom was and deserved'.

I let him get on with it, because it least he wasn't panicking and freaking out, or crying. "do you think he's happy?" Danny asked around 3, fiddling with the bow on top of the box with the blanket in. "maybe, I dunno." I shrugged, not wanting to disappoint him. "I bet those texts made him at least smile, and I hope he likes his present, though he doesn't actually have it." Danny smiled a little, looking around the whole of the present, making sure it was perfect. "yeah, I bet they did. I'm sure he liked your present, you always get the best presents for him. He always like yours the best, I'm sure he likes it, and can't wait to have it. I bet you, the minute he gets it, he'll wrap himself in it and not let it go." I made him smile some more.

"yeah, probably will, he'll probably sleep with it too, to keep the monsters away." Danny shook his head, smiling lovingly at the present, like it was actually Tom there. "thats our Tom, gets a comfy blanket and falls asleep." Dougie giggled a little, playing with Toms toy he had nicked. "exactly, bet you he'll fall asleep within minutes after he gets it, he's probably tired. I hope he spends today sleeping, he probably needs it... the present isn't right, I'm redoing it." Dannys smile dropped, tearing the paper off the box. "how many times have you redone that present? It was fine the way it was!" I changed the subject, not wanting to depress Danny more. "7 times, and it was fine, but it has to be perfect, because Tom is perfect. He deserves perfect things, like perfectly wrapped presents." Danny answered, grabbing more wrapping paper.

"what else have you got him? I know you haven't just gotten him that, you've gotten him something else, haven't you?" I knew how Danny always wanted to spoil Tom to the maximum of his abilities. "yeah, I did, I bought him a little teddy, cause he always likes teddies. The room isn't as dark when theres teddies around." Danny quoted Tom perfectly, showing us a little teddy bear, in a little Back To The Future tshirt. It was light brown, and only small, but just about perfect size to cuddle with. "its cute, Tom will surely love it." I smiled in encouragement, watching as Danny put it on top of the blanket in the box, and lovingly wrapped it back up again.


	16. Chapter 16

**again, thank you for the comments! to know you're all enjoying this means a hell of a lot to me, so thank you. but if there is anything you think i can improve upon, please tell me, i'm always up for constructive critism!**

**xxPUDDxx - Tom doesn't realise Danny loves him because he's so set in his ideas that he can't understand the meaning behind Danny's words :/**

**partgirlgrace - don't cry! *hands tissue* **

**GalaxyDefender23 - Tom's my favourite too, i couldn't kill him off, i love him too much! xD **

30 Dougies POV

For the rest of the day, Danny watched some home movies, grinning whenever he saw Tom and him hugging, or kissing, or anything that involved them interacting with each other. Though tears welled up in his eyes whenever one of them said 'I love you' to each other, or called one another a nickname they always called each other. "we'll get him back Danny, I promise, and you'll get to call him baby and whatever else you want." I encouraged, not wanting to see him cry again. "will I? You sure he won't hate me for not paying enough attention to him? Are you 100% sure that he will even want to come back here again? Cause if I was him, I wouldn't come back, I would stay away." Danny sighed, checking his phone to see if he had any texts, there were none, as usual.

"Danny, how many times? Tom will come back in his own time, he just wants some time on his own to get his head right. You know he has problems, he just needs some time to get his thoughts straight and he'll come back." Harry put his arm around Dannys shoulders, rubbing his arm gently. "I know, but its almost been a year, it'll be a year in 2 weeks. A whole year without Tom, and its been the worst year of my life." Danny curled up in a ball, sniffing slightly. "oh Dan, he'll be back soon, either he'll come back on his own, or someone will find him. You never know, he might go back to see Carrie, she knows now to phone someone, we'll get him back then." Harry smiled a little, letting Danny curl up in his side, hugging him tightly.

"I hope so, I miss him so much. It hurts so much to not see him every day, hold him and kiss him, tell him he's amazing and the best person in the universe. I'll never let him go ever again the minute I get my hands on him, I swear, I won't let him go." Danny sniffed loudly, squeezing Sonic the Hedgehog. "yeah, we'll hold him and not let him go." I sighed, wondering if Tom was going to let us hold him when we saw him again.

31 Toms POV

I grabbed my suitcase full of clothes, and opened it to find the secret clothes I had taken with me, that hopefully no-one had noticed. I had taken one of Dannys shirts, and one of the tshirts Harry and Dougie shared, so I could at least smell them if I couldn't go near them. I regretted throwing my phone the other day, it had smashed, and now wasn't even turning on, so I couldn't even hear their voices as often as usual. There werent many videos on my ipod, I had a few, but not enough to keep me entertained and happy. I had watched those videos so many times now that I could quote them perfectly, word for word.

Grabbing Dannys shirt, I hugged it close and got hit by his smell, giving me a little bit of comfort. "oh Danny, I miss you so much." I whimpered to myself, trying to pretend the shirt was filled with the guy it belonged too, and he was holding me too, filling me with warmth. I felt so guilty for taking his shirt, knowing I shouldn't have, because he would miss it, and eventually figure out I had taken it. He would be so angry when he found out, because I hadn't even asked if I could take it, but I had too. I would go crazy if I couldn't even have Dannys smell, reminding me of him, and the love I thought we had had.

I could feel myself starting to crack, the need to go home getting too much, making me want to give up this incognito act. But I couldn't give up, I had to stay out of the way, I had to make sure that Danny, Harry and Dougie were happy. They were happier without me, I just brought them down with being so ugly, pathetic and special needs. I had problems, and it felt like they were just looking after me, making sure I didn't have a breakdown. I didn't need looking after, I could look after myself, I was fine really, I was just a little messed up in the head. Being messed up in the head didn't mean I needed looking after constantly.

But what made it worse was that I could still feel that feeling of being watched. Every time I went to get my daily meal, I always felt like I was being watched, and the people watching were closing in even closer. I hoped to god that no-one found me, because I didn't want to be found. I wouldn't be able to resist going home if I was found, I wouldn't even try to escape again, I was at the end of my tether, I just wanted to go home now.


	17. Chapter 17

**adding quickly again now, because i might not be able to add much over the the next week, because on Thursday i've got my chemistry and psychology a level exams, so i'm going to revising a lot over the next few days. so if i do add, its a very quick add, so i might not answer to your comments, so i apologise in advance if i don't! **

32 Dannys POV

As time went by, and the anniversary of Toms disappearance drew nearer, I could feel myself starting to snap, sharp objects were actually getting tempting, I mean, really, really tempting. I could barely sleep or eat anymore, and I felt like a zombie as I looked out the window, hoping to see Tom still. It was hard to breathe at times, when I realised how many days had passed since I had last seen Tom, or heard his laughter, or his voice, or held him close. He was literally everything to me, and not having him around had uprooted my whole being, I had no idea what I was doing anymore, he had taken everything that I was with him, I was just the empty vessel waiting for him to come back and complete me again.

"Danny, its time for dinner, you gotta come with us now." Harry spoke gently, but still made me leap feet. "I'm not hungry." I shook my head, whimpering as he started to pull me away. "Danny, stop lying, and if you werent hungry, you still have to eat something. What good will you be to Tom if your not strong enough to even stand?" Harry had a point, and I hated that he was right about things like this. "I can't eat when Toms not here, I'm too worried about him, in 2 weeks, its gunna be exactly a year since he ran away. A year Harry, a year without Tom, do you know how much it hurts to be without the person you love for a year? It stings so badly, and its awful, truly awful, nothing will ever hurt as much as this. How can I eat when all I want to do is cry and hold my lover, even though I can't? I'll eat when he comes home...if he ever comes home." I sighed, but let him help me up, holding his hands for support, needing some contact with someone. "he'll come home Danny, look, how about if we set something up for the day of the disappearance? Try a really big push to trying to find him, will that make you feel a little better?" Harry asked, pushing some hair out of my face. "yeah, that would be good, anything to try and find him, I need to see him soon, or I'm going to snap." I smiled a little, hugging the older brunette.

TOM

I ducted out of sight from the window as Danny looked at it, hiding from him. I didn't know why I came back, was it to torture myself more? So I had a reason to stay away, so I knew how happy everyone was without me, so I actually would stay away. The urge to cry was horrible, and it took all my strength to stay where I was until Danny and Harry walked into the kitchen, arms around each others waists. 18 months ago, seeing my boyfriend (yes, in my head he was still my boyfriend, it was the only thing keeping me from screaming for him) in the arms of another band mate wouldn't have bothered me, but knowing now there was a lot more going on ripped my heart to shreds.

As soon as they were gone, I ran, thanking god it was dark out, so no-one was able to see me in my black clothes. I ran all the way to my car, where I had to grind to a halt and back round the corner from it. There were 2 policemen wandering around the car, talking into their radios and taking notes. "yeah, this is the one, this is Fletchers car, the licence plates match and everything. Should we tow it to the impound or leave it here for surveillance?" one asked into his radio. "leave it there, in case he comes back. We might even find him!" the crackling voice replied, sh*t! I couldn't go back to my car now! Where was I supposed to go? I now had nowhere to live or anything! Everything was in that car, literally, everything I owned was in that car.

I pressed myself to the wall and thought about this, could I make a run for it? Just run in, grab my stuff and run, or would the police get me and drag my sorry a*se back to hospital? They werent carrying as much as I would be, and had probably eaten properly for the past year, unlike myself, there was no way I would get there! Or could I? I was dressed in black, and was quick, and small, I could hide easily. I was going to chance it, I was going to do it, I was going to run over and grab my bag and then run for my life. "one, two, three." I counted under my breath and ran, running over, unlocking my car and jumping in, grabbing my bag, Mickey Mouse and my ipod, before running again, hearing footsteps chasing me down the streets, shouting for me to stop.

33 Harrys POV

At 10, we got a phone call from the police, and all of our hopes went up. "have you found him?" Danny practically shouted, gripping the phone so tightly I thought it was going to break. "sort-of. We found Toms car, and planned to stake out, to see if he came back... he came back to his car, but ran off before we could catch him. We're trailing him now, but he might give us the slip." The person on the phone explained, and I could see Dannys eyes light up.

"y-you found his car? And theres a chance you'll find him?" Danny asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "yes, we have his car, and are leaving it where we found it, in case he comes back for something. He did run over and grab a toy and a backpack, but I recon he'll come back for something else. We'll keep you posted on our progress." Was our answer, and Danny and Dougie squeaked in happiness. I hung up before Danny screamed, and as soon as I did, he screamed and jumped a foot in the air, almost crying. "he's coming home!" he screamed, jumping up and down over and over, reminding me of a child. "not yet he's not. They've got to find him first!" I warned, not wanting to spoil his mood, but having to warn him we didn't have him back yet.

"I don't care! He'll be coming home soon! He's gunna be mine again! Toms coming home!" Danny shouted, jumping into our arms, deafening me a little. "yeah, he'll be yours again Danny when he comes home. Now wanna celebrate?" I smiled, knowing Danny wanted to celebrate the news that his beloved Tom was going to be found soon. "hell yeah! I'll get the DVD set up, you guys get beer and popcorn!" Danny ran off, thundering up the stairs. "if he's like this now, god knows how he is gunna behave when Tom is actually found." Dougie joked a little, jumping so I was carrying him, grinning widely. "I know, but we won't notice, cause we'll be the same! Now come on, Dan wants beer and popcorn, we're getting him beer and popcorn!" I carried my blonde husband into the kitchen, handing him the beer and setting the popcorn going in the microwave.

I set him down on the kitchen counter, taking a little moment after some good news to kiss Dougie gently. We had been being careful while we were around Danny, not wanting to rub it in that we were happily married while his own lover had run off without much of an explanation. "we'll be back to normal soon, and we'll be able to do this a lot more often." I smiled, resting a hand on his face gently. "I know! I can't wait, our best friend back and I'll finally have you all to myself again." Dougie tangled his hands in my hair, bringing me in for another kiss, not letting me go until the microwave pinged.


	18. Chapter 18

**i'm so sorry for not adding yesterday! i was at after school chemistry revision for tomorrow's a level exam, and was completely wiped out by the time i got home, so i completely forgot! :/**

34 Dougies POV

I reluctantly let Harry go, not wanting too, wanting to just stay in this bubble consisting of only the two of us. But I had to let him go, so we could celebrate with Danny the good news. I hopped off of the counter, grabbing the beer and walking up the stairs with Harry to see Danny, who was sitting on the sofa, bouncing in excitement. "I've put on one of our home movies! Hurry up and sit down!" Danny explained, moving to sit on the comfy chair him and Tom always sat on.

We handed him a bowl, and I sat down on Harrys lap, encasing myself in my arms, grinning as Danny pressed play. The home movie he had chosen was one of his favourites, because it was the most recent one, before Tom got depressed. Danny had the camera, and was trying to film Tom. "Danny s*d off! I'm trying to draw!" Tom smiled shyly, looking up from his lyric book. "no! Say something good for the camera!" Danny giggled, zooming in on Toms face. "Dannys is gay." Tom said bluntly, sticking his tongue out. "only with you beautiful! " Dannys reply was instant, and after some jiggling, his face came into view as he kissed Tom gently. "Dan, not on camera! What if someone sees?" Tom blushed deep red, looking away from the grinning brunette. "I don't care if someone sees, I love you and I want people to know." Danny giggled, and they kissed again.

"thats gunna be us soon, we'll do that again soon." Danny smiled, hugging his knees with wide eyes. "Danny, don't get your hopes up too much. You don't know what state he's gunna be in when he comes back. He might not want to be a couple straight away, your gunna have to give him some space first, and then see what he wants." Harry warned, not wanting to crush his hope, but not wanting to have his heart broken if Tom rejected him. "I know, but I want him to be my boyfriend again, I've missed him so much over the past year. I might not be able to help myself when I see him." Danny confessed, fiddling with his fingers. "none of us will Dan, we've all missed him, but we have to restrain ourselves. Look, if Tom doesn't react to you hugging him then hug him, if he reacts badly, then stay back. Thats the best thing I can think of." Harry sighed, squeezing me as I realised things were going to be a lot harder than just finding Tom and going back to normal, it was going to be a lot harder than that.

35 Toms POV

Before I knew it, two more weeks past and it had been exactly a year since I had run off, and still I hadn't been found. I was even worse off now, because I knew the police were tracking me, keeping their eyes peeled so they could descend on me and take me back to the hospital and ruin everything. I didn't dare go back to my car, knowing they were watching it, so I had been actually sleeping on the streets. My clothes had now torn almost beyond recognition, my left shoe had a hole in and my glasses had broken, to say the least I was really in trouble now.

It made me half want to be found, just so I could get some more clothes and have a shower, and maybe replace my glasses so I could actually see something clearly, instead of having to depend on only 1 eye. Mickey Mouse had also broken, his ear had come off and he was losing his stuffing, luckily, I now kept him in my bag, along with his ear, so I didn't lose more of him while I was running from the police.

At the moment, I was in Covent Gardens, hiding in a dark alley way that no-one went through anymore, there was something big going on here, and I was slightly curious what it was. Carefully, I looked out of my hiding spot to look at the big open area where everyone was, seeing that it was crawling with policemen and women! Sh*t there was no way I could get out of here in time! They were going to find me in here! No, no, no, no! I panicked, what was I going to do? Could I make a run for it now while they were all standing about and looking in the same place? I had managed it before, could I do it again? This time I was weaker, I hadn't eaten in three days, would I be able to run fast enough to out run about 50 people? If I went now, I could, they wouldn't even notice me running away from them.

Checking to see if anyone was coming, I ran, sprinting across the alley and away from the danger, and not stopping running until I found another alley far away from them. I bent over coughing, dropping to my knees in exhaustion, knowing I was weak. I needed food if I was going to carry on running, but where from? I couldn't exactly just walk into a Tesco and get a sandwich, then I would be on camera, and I would be found! Also, my money had run out, getting some from a cash point while being surrounded by police was a suicidal act! I was going to have to lay low and just forget about eating for the third day running.

Somehow, I managed to stay hidden for a few hours, before I moved again, running to another alley way, even further away from Covent Gardens, ending up in the West End. I was so thankful I knew my way around here, having grown up acting in shows and watching them ever since I was a child, so I knew all the back alleys like the back of my hand. Pulling my hood up, I hurried past Wicked, Billy Elliot and Oliver, managing to blend in with everyone else, like I wasn't a crazy run away who was thought to be suicidal. I wasn't suicidal, I was just in need of punishing for all the bad things and I just cut too deep that one time, it wasn't my fault. Okay, it was, but not completely, if I just cut a little less deep, then I was going to be fine.

"Tom?!" someone suddenly shouted, and my head whipped around to see Carrie, standing on the steps to the Lion Kings theatre. "f*ck!" I bolted off again, cursing the whole time, Carrie had seen me! Oh god, she had seen me! She was going to take me to the hospital! "Tom! Tom wait! I need to talk to you!" Carrie cried, chasing after me. "Tom stop! Tom please, its over, come on! Stop running!" Carrie shouted again, following me into another alley, cornering me. "no! Its not over! It'll never be over! Let me go!" I started coughing again, cursing everyone under the sun that she had found me. "no! Tom, its over, we'll make this easy, okay? Come with me and I'll make sure your alright." Carrie pleaded, holding her hand out for me. "what, like last time? Carrie, they're gunna lock me up and you know it. Its easier if I just stay on the streets, I'll be fine here!" I argued, laughing humourlessly. "no you won't be! Look at yourself, can't you hear yourself either? You're hacking up your lungs, when was the last time you ate? They're not going to lock you up, just come with me and we'll make it all okay again." Carrie was almost crying, and though it broke my heart, I refused. I was not going with her, she was either going to send me back to the hospital, where they'll send me to the mental ward, or she was going to send me back to the guys, I was not going back to them!

"fine, you leave me no choice, your coming back with us, whether you like it or not!" Carrie sighed, and 5 policemen ran in, grabbing me and dragging me out of the alleyway and into an ambulance screaming.


	19. Chapter 19

**had one hell of a day of exams today, but i'm officially free from my toughest two! wooo! :D and your comments have really made my day, so thank you to all of you who commented! :D**

36 Dannys POV

I was starting to give up, it was now 5 in the afternoon and there still was no sign of Tom, no-one had seen him yet! We had gotten a whole tonne of people to help us look for Tom, and none of them had found him, we had been looking all day already. I was losing hope again, were we ever going to find Tom? Or was I going to be lonely for the rest of my life? There was no-one else for me but him, I couldn't move past him, he was everything, literally everything to me.

Sighing, I took out my phone and phoned Harry, asking him if he had seen any sign of him. "I'm sorry mate, I haven't seen anything yet, ask Dougie and Carrie, they might have seen something and are too busy with Tom to phone." Harry suggested, hanging up. I asked Dougie the same thing and he said he had no luck, and was still looking around all the music shops, seeing if he was there. The crushing feeling of hopelessness was starting to raise up inside me, and I wanted to cry so badly, just lay on the floor and scream and cry until Tom came back. I needed to find him, he needed to be home, safe and warm, in my arms. I couldn't survive much longer without Tom, he wasn't going to survive forever out in the cold world without a roof over his head either.

My fingers shook as I tried to phone Carrie, eventually managing it, whimpering when she didn't pick up. Why wasn't she picking up?! Surely she had heard her phone? "come on Carrie, pick up! Please pick up and tell me you've found him." I muttered under my breath, ringing her again and again, not getting any answer. After the 15th attempt, I gave up, sliding down the wall I was leaning on and cried. I didn't even know why I felt this hopeless, it wasn't like there was no hope Tom was coming home at all, someone else could find him, or Carrie could have found him and now was too busy with him to answer her phone.

I hoped that was the case, and Tom was safe now, but I just wished she would ring me and tell me what was happening! I had to phone Harry again, wondering if he could give me some clarity right now. "have you heard anything from the other two?" Harry asked, he was out of breath, he had been running. "no, Dougie has no luck and Carrie isn't answering her phone! Do you think that she has found him and is trying to help him?" I bit my lip, trying to keep that hope running. "maybe, theres a chance, phone her one more time and then if she doesn't pick up, then wait for her to phone you. She'll see how many times you've phoned her and will phone you back!" Harry advised, so I did as asked, getting no answer again. So the waiting began, and I hoped to god it wasn't going to be too long!

37 Harrys POV

I sighed as Danny hung up, continuing to look around for Tom, I was near where we lived, and had circled the whole area twice. Now I was checking for any alleyways I had missed, and anything else I would think off. There was no sign of Tom anywhere, he wasn't around here, and if he was, he was hiding pretty well. "where the bl**dy hell are you? I hope Carrie has got you." I muttered to myself, checking an alleyway for a sign.

Just to make sure, I went around and checked everywhere again, my feet were aching horribly, but I carried on, just in case Tom did turn up. It was starting to get dark when I gave up and lost hope, sitting down and resting my blistered feet. I phoned up Dougie, wanting a report from him, and also wanting to hear his voice, I missed him a lot. "no news over here Harry, sorry. Don't tell Danny, but I've given up hope of finding him today and have sat down!" Dougie admitted, which made me feel a little better to know I wasn't the only one. "Doug, I'm the same, I've sat down on the curb waiting for some news. And don't worry, I won't tell Danny." I sighed, wondering how bad Danny was going to feel when we picked him up tonight, telling him there wasn't any sign of him.

"we're gunna have to stay the night with Danny, arent we? He's gunna be heartbroken." Dougie whimpered, and I could imagine how upset he looked right now. "I know, poor guy had his heart set on finding him today, its gunna be heart breaking to tell him theres still no Tom." I agreed, picking at the grass on the ground, feeling quite lost knowing it was going to be a while longer before I got to see Tom again. I may not have shown it as much as Danny and Dougie did, but I missed Tom a lot, he was my best friend too, not just a band mate. He was the oldest out of the 4 of us, who always knew what to do in any situation, without him here, it was up to me to keep Danny and Dougie from completely breaking down and falling apart. I couldn't cope for much longer with this responsibility, I didn't know how too, I always looked to Tom so I knew what to do, without him, I was lost, almost as lost as Danny was.

"look, where are you? I'll come and pick you up and then we'll pick up Danny, take him home and try and stop him from getting too depressed." I gave in to the thought of giving up completely for today, hoping that Carrie had actually found Tom and was too busy looking after him to phone us. "I'm at the Thames, next to the London Eye, I'll phone Danny and tell him your picking us up. Love you." Dougie answered, hanging up.


	20. Chapter 20

**xxPUDDxx - haha, iPods suck for writing on websites! the amount of times my tweets go out of whack because i've typed it on my iPod is ridiculous! xD**

38 Dougies POV

The phone call to Danny broke my heart, to tell him that none of us had found our best friend yet had shattered him. I could hear his tears on the phone, and it made me cry too. "I know Dan, I know, we'll get Tom back soon, we made a really good effort today to find him! You know that he's good at hiding, he probably has just hidden from us all day! Stop crying please! Your making me cry!" I pleaded, sniffing back tears. "b-b-but we w-were going to f-find him today! I-I was going t-to find him a-and bring him home!" Danny cried, his heart break almost touchable through the phone.

"Danny, we were all hoping we were going to find him, and we will someday! Keep your hope going, okay? We'll find him and bring him home one day...wait, has Carrie answered her phone yet?" I asked, there was hope! "no, why?" Dannys voice lifted a little. "because, think about it. If she has found Tom, she might not be able to answer her phone, because she is busy sorting him out! When we pick you up, phone her again, see if she answers her phone, and see whats going on." I suggested, watching Harrys car pull up, "give us 10 minutes and we'll be there with you, hold on a few minutes, okay? I got Sonic here with me, so you can have that in a minute, alright?" I waited for Danny to agree before I hung up, sighing.

"let me guess, Danny hasnt taken the news very well?" Harry asked, I nodded slowly. "he's distraught. He really wants Tom back now, I can't blame him though, I really want him back now." I squeezed the toy close, taking in Toms fading smell, he needed to hug this toy again, make it smell of him. "alright, lets go pick him up before he tries something stupid, why have you got Sonic anyway?" Harry drove off, grabbing my hand and holding it as he drove. "if I found Tom, I was going to give it to him, so he trusted me, if he didn't trust me, if that makes sense. And it was something that would calm him down, if he got stressed or panicked. We don't know what he's gunna be like when we find him, so I thought this was a good thing to use seeing as he has Mickey." I explained squeezing his hand gently, interlinking our fingers for extra comfort.

"hmmm, good point, I like that idea. Bring it with you next search, just in case." Harry smiled a little at me, parking up next to the curb, watching Danny run into the car. "drive to the hospital now!" he shouted, clambering into his seat. "huh?" we both asked in unison, why did we need to go to the hospital? "Carrie phoned! She's at the hospital!" Danny bounced in his seat, grinning. "you mean...she found Tom?" I slowly caught on, praying that was why we were now going to the hospital instead of home. "yes! She found Tom! Tom has been found! He's at the hospital, we need to go now!" Danny confirmed, shouting the whole thing. "he-he-he's been found? We're going to see him?" I could feel myself starting to need to scream, I had to confirm it one last time. "yes! Tom, our Tom, our Thomas Michael Fletcher has been found and is in hospital, ready to be hugged and kissed and told he's loved and to be taken home!" Danny shouted, and I screamed in joy, freaking out.

39 Dannys POV

I literally ran through the hospital corridors, not even knowing where I was going, just following the feeling I had, letting it guide me to my Tom. I had grabbed the Sonic toy off of Dougie and was out running him and Harry round the corridors, at least 3 feet ahead of them. Finally, I ran into Carrie, barely managing to stop before I fell into her! "where is he? Where's Tom?" I shouted, itching to see my lover, my best friend, my everything. "we're not allowed in yet, they're still doing tests and stuff on him. This is just his room, they've taken him somewhere for x-raying or something." Carrie explained, putting her hands on my shoulders to stop me running off again. "how long are they going to be?" Harry asked reasonably calmly from behind me, keeping me still as well. "I don't know, but guys, he's in bad shape, really bad shape. Worse than the last time I saw him, he's really weak and scared, I don't know if they're going to let him go anytime soon." Carrie bit her lip, and my heart broke.

How bad was Tom? Was he weak from lack of food, or something else? Was he scared because we werent there, or was he just scared from being caught? Being brought in by the police couldn't have been good for him, but still, surely he wasn't that bad, was he? "why wouldn't they let him go?" I whimpered the question, not sure if I actually wanted to know. "Danny, when I found him, I was chasing him down the street for about 5 minutes, and he couldn't stop coughing! He almost collapsed they were so bad! You'll understand better when you see him, he looks awful. And, he's screaming, so loudly, screamed and cried the whole way here, refusing to stop struggling to get free, he doesn't want to be here, at all." Carrie teared up, and the images my head were conjuring up were awful.

I could just imagine what Tom looked like, and what he was doing in his panic, knowing him too well to not be able to imagine it. In my head, I could see Tom looking deathly pale, with dark bags under his eyes, covered in dirt, running through the corridors, coughing the whole way until he collapsed. "sh*t, their never going to let him go!" I cried, knowing that they knew about the self harming, they were going to lock him up in a mental facility, and we were never going to see him again. "and who are you guys?" a sudden voice made us jump, we span round to find a tall, thin, brunette man standing in front of us. "this is Danny, Harry and Dougie, Toms boy-... I mean best friends. I called them here, they've been searching all day for him." Carrie explained, just about catching herself in time before she said 'boyfriend' nobody knew about me and Tom yet, of course they knew about Harry and Dougie, it was hard not to notice the wedding rings, and their constant affection for one another. But me and Tom had played it safe, so no-one knew about us. "alright, well, I'm here to tell you a bit more about Toms state. We're just going to finished running some tests, and then we're taking him to another ward, with a bit higher security, considering his refusal to keep in the bed. If you just wait here for a while longer, then we'll take you to Tom." The doctor explained, my heart dropped a little, then lifted again. We would be seeing Tom soon! I was going to see my Tom again, today! Actually going to look at his beautiful face today! After not seeing him for a year I was going to see him again!

Time couldn't go any faster, and only an hour later, apparently, Tom had 'settled more' into what was happening. I had to resist running down the corridors to wherever his securer ward was, and just followed along obediently behind the doctor, squeezing Sonic tightly. "right, be careful when you go in, he's tired and hasnt been around people properly in months, so be calm and quiet. No jumping on him either, just be calm okay? We've given him a little sedative to keep him calm as well, so he's a little out of it, so don't take it too personally if he doesn't reply." The doctor warned, opening the door painfully slowly, revealing Tom to me for the first time in a year.


	21. Chapter 21

**okay, seeing as I've got a few comments, and I'm in a good mood because I've just gotten back from seeing The Hobbit (its amazing btw) I'll add again! :D**

40 Dannys POV (again)

I gasped when I first saw Tom, having to do a double take just to make sure this was the right guy on the bed. "oh god Tom, what have you done?" Dougie whispered behind us, writhing into Harrys arms, making him hold him. I couldn't think of anything else to say to that, because what had Tom done?

Tom was laying on the hospital bed, breathing deep and ragged, 101 tubes coming out of his tiny little body, he was literally tiny, his baggy shirt (that used to look so nice on him) doing no favours of hiding his ribs. His clothes were ripped up, they were more like rags now, the right side to his glasses were cracked, and his shoes had holes in. But what worried me most, were the bandages running up his arms, all the way up to his elbows, securely being held down by tape, so you couldn't get them off. This wasn't how I imagined seeing Tom again, in my mind, I thought that finding him would be running into each others arms and kissing passionately. Not him laying in a hospital bed, in rags, being connected to so many tubes. "oh Tom." I whimpered, legs finally working and letting me run towards my little blonde, my sweet baby Tom.

I dropped to my knees next to his bed, grabbing his hand, starting to cry. "oh Tom, I've missed you so much! Freaking hell, I haven't seen you in a year and I can't believe your here! Your right in front of me, oh my god your here!" I cried, stroking his hair, kissing his hand. I completely ignored the advice Harry had given me a few weeks ago, just needing to be with Tom, see him, right in front of my eyes, feel his warm hand, see him breathing. Tom looked at me, and I could see in his eyes how weak he was, and that he had been given a sedative. He was trying to pull his hand out of my own, whimpering as his silent tears rolled around his face.

"hey, don't cry, please don't cry! Shhh Tom shhh, I'm here now, I'm here. We're all here now, shhh, calm down, you're safe now, you're coming home with us soon. Your gunna be alright." I whispered, tucking his long fringe behind his ears, feeling him writhe weakly, "oh, look who I brought! I brought you Sonic! Now wheres Mickey? I'll get him for you." I was reluctant to leave his side, but I had to if I wanted him to calm down and stop crying. Thats when everyone else stepped forward, kneeling down with me next to the bed, and Carrie took the bag she had been carrying off her shoulder. She took out Mickey Mouse from it, and we all gasped at the broken ear. "what the hell happened here then? Wheres Mickey's ear?" Carrie asked, rifling through the bag until she found the ear. "poor Mick, we'll have to get that fixed soon." I sighed, having a look at the torn toy.

"er, guys, visiting hours are over for the day." The doctor said from the door, making me jump. "what? No! We've only just got here!" Harry protested, and Dougie pouted next to him. "but Tom needs rest, as I'm sure you'll agree. You can come back tomorrow." The doctor had a point, unfortunately. "fine, come on Dan, home time." Harry gave in, standing up with Dougie and Carrie. "can't I stay please? Its been so long, and its good to have company...right?" I pleaded, I had only just got Tom back, I wasn't giving up that easily. Tom needed me, he may not have known it, but he needed me. "I'm sorry, your going to have to go, visiting hours are over." The doctor sighed, and I wanted to cry again. "fine, but I'll be back tomorrow, first thing. But..can I have 5 minutes? Say goodbye and all that." I asked, needing to have at least 5 minutes with my Tom to at least calm him a little.

"that'll be fine. Just be quick." The doctor walked out and I really started to want to cry. I didn't want to leave Tom by himself, in a big scary hospital on his own, he had spent way too much time on his own. "goodbye Tom, we'll see you in the morning, alright? We've missed you a load!" Harry kissed Tom on the head, ruffling his hair gently. "yeah, night Tom, see ya in the morning!" Dougie made his classic Chewbacca sound, giving him a hug before walking out with Harry. "night Tommy, I'm glad we found you, be good." Carrie teased, hugging Tom as well, before leaving, so I was the only one left.

"right, I'm going to have to go, or that doctor dude is gunna kill me! So erm, we're coming back in the morning, first thing. I'll bring you some clothes, alright? I'll bring you some PJ's, and maybe some books, and some new glasses. I've missed you Tom, so much, you have no idea how much I've missed you. And I swear, I'll be a better friend from now on, I sucked last time, I'll be better this time, alright? Night Tommy TomTom, see you in the morning, be good for me!" I cracked a watery smile, taking Toms old Disney blanket from my own bag and laying it on top of him, tucking him in properly. "oh want me to take Mickey and get him fixed, I recon Carrie can have him fixed by tomorrow morning! You'll have Sonic to cuddle, so it'll be fine. Night Tom, see you in the morning." I ran a hand down his quivering face, turning his head to face my own, being met with resistance. But I didn't give up until he was facing me, then gently kissed his head, before grabbing Mickey and walking out, heartbreaking as I could hear Tom sobbing.

41 Toms POV

I curled up underneath the blanket and sobbed, sobbed like I had just been told I was dying. Even though I wasn't, it felt like I was, I had failed, I had completely failed at my mission to stay away from everyone, and now they were here! They were here, and they were back to pretending that I was their best friend, like they werent all happily together, and I just brought them down. I had ruined my one opportunity to stay away and keep their lives happy, I was never getting away now.

The nurses walked in and out of my room soundlessly, checking on whatever they had to before walking straight back out again, ignoring my heart break completely. It made me feel a little better, they werent wasting that much time on me, when they should have been helping someone else who was worth it. I wasn't worth it, nowhere near worth it, I was a worthless failure, who couldn't even run away from his 18 year old sister without having a coughing fit and having to give up. Why was I so f*cking stupid I couldn't run away and stay away? Why was it always me who made other people waste their time, when they should have been helping someone who actually needed it?

"go away!" I moaned when a nurse came in to do some sort of check. "no, its my job to look after you. I'm here to take you to that bathroom over there, because you need to clean up." She refused, trying to help me up, I just made my body heavy, so she couldn't move me. "go help someone else, who actually needs it." I also refused, staying curled up on the bed. "you need help too, don't be brave here, its alright to need help. You've had a tough year, your weak, I'm just helping until you've got your strength back." The nurse explained, still pulling me, I still refused to move. "no! I don't need any help! I'm not f*cking worth it, go help someone who actually needs it!" I pulled myself backwards, hitting the wall and crying even more, why wasn't she going away yet?

"okay, I get it, you ran away for a year and haven't had proper human contact for a while, so you're not used to it. So how about this, you can get yourself up and you can try to walk on your own, but if you fall, I'm gunna have to support you. You can wash yourself and stuff, and bring this toy with you if you want." She suggested, and I eventually gave in, I felt filthy after only being able to wash in the river next to where my car was parked, but that was two weeks ago, and now I was disgusting.

I managed to slide out of bed and walk over to the bathroom, still a little shaky from whatever they had given me to calm me down, but I still had the strength and sense of balance to walk. "there we go, wasn't so hard now was it?" the nurse smiled encouragingly, giving me some clothes out of the bag Danny had brought with him. "whatever." I muttered under my breath, getting annoyed by all the unwanted and unneeded attention I was getting. It was pointless giving me all this attention, so what I had been living out of a car and on the streets for a year? So freaking what? That did not mean I needed all these people fussing over me and checking on me every 2 seconds! I wasn't stupid enough to try and escape...yet. the minute I got home and was left alone, I was out of there again, no matter what anyone lied to me about, I was getting out again and letting Danny have his good life with Harry and Dougie. They would easily find a new guitarist/singer/song writer for the band, maybe James Bourne would do it, he wanted to be in a band again, and was friends with all of us, he would do it! McFLY would be even better with him there anyway, he was better looking, skinnier, and had better song writing/singing/instrument playing skills than I did anyway, he would be a perfect replacement for me.

As I showered, I planned it all in my head, knowing that whenever I was allowed to finally go home, that I would be dropped off in my house and would be left to it. At nightfall, I would go, and this time not be so conspicuous about it, I would just run on foot, with as little luggage as possible, so I was lighter myself. If I was found again, I would do the same thing, over and over until someone realised that I was doing the right thing, or if I died from being run over, or cutting too much.

I looked at my wrist now, having had the bandage taken off so I could shower, looking at all the lines I had created. They looked perfect on my skin, a perfect reminder of what happened when I was being pathetic, or when I did something wrong. As soon as I could, I was going to take a scalpel to my wrist again to punish myself for being caught like I had been. For now, all I could do was pick at the scabs, make them bleed again.

Sliding down the wall, I sat down on the floor and stared, hard, at my wrist, thankful the nurse was waiting outside. I had been caught, and made Danny pretend to cry, made him kiss me and promise to come back. That was 4 wrongs, so 4 scabs were coming off. It wasn't hard to get them off, it took me seconds to get the first one off, feeling that hypnotic rush of pain flood through me, the red liquid falling down my wrist and into the plug hole, swirling in the clear water. I should paint a picture of that, try and match its beauty, I could look at the sight of my blood mixing with water all day.

A minute later, all 4 scabs were off, and blood was dripping out of me nicely, flowing down the drain, my punishment was over for now. I had to watch for a few more seconds, then set about stopping the blood, and finishing showering. I dressed back into my untorn clothes and stepped out the bathroom, not paying attention when the nurse went mental because I had picked my scabs off. It was worth it, for punishment, and for the beauty of it, it was so, so worth it.


	22. Chapter 22

**two small things that I want to say, 1) me and a few other writers are trying to bring this fandom together, so if you could all check this out we would all be very topic/125725/78669252/1/Hello-world**

**2) I like to play a little game in my fics, where OC people are actually other actors/singers/band members that i love. So, if any of you recognise a name, tell me and I'll give you a shout out! :) **

42 Harrys POV

Danny was running around the house frantically, trying to find any clothes that Tom could wear, and any book he could read. So far, he had 2 shirts and 1 pair of jeans, and nothing else. "where the f*ck have all of Toms clothes gone?" Danny growled, tugging at his hair. "he took them all didn't he? There was nothing left apart from those ones you have now...wait, isn't there some of his clothes at yours?" I asked, and Dannys face lit up. "half his wardrobe is at mine for when he stays over! Yes!" Danny ran out the house, and me and Dougie followed along behind so we could help him if he needed it. So far, he was content to just do it all himself.

"there we go! Theres all his clothes! They're over here!" Danny grinned, grabbing all the tshirts, shirts, and trousers, and 1 pair of black off-cut Converse. " clothes are sorted, now I need glasses, and books, hmmm. I think there are some glasses in here somewhere." Danny looked around, running to his bedside table and having a root through, finding a random pair of glasses. He grinned again and put them on, claiming he needed a break. "Dan, why the hell are you wearing those glasses?" I had to laugh, Danny looked ridiculous in those glasses! It wasn't really an unusual thing to see really, when Tom had been around before, Danny always wore his glasses. To them, it was a normal thing, and I was glad Danny was wearing them now, it almost felt like a normal day, just minus the blonde who actually needed the glasses.

"so I don't lose them, and I haven't worn them in ages! Whoa, everything has gone blurry in these!" Danny smiled, adjusting them slightly, looking over the frames to see. "alright, just don't give yourself a headache!" I rolled my eyes, having learnt from experience. "I won't! I'm not that dumb! Anyway, I'm used to it, I always used to wear them...I'm gunna be wearing them even more soon!" Danny bounced on the bed, obviously thinking about Tom coming home. "yeah Dan, he's coming home soon! He'll be ours again!" Dougie giggled, squeezing my hands as he bounced around along with Danny.

"I've got him back! I got my baby back!" Danny seemed to explode then, jumping up and down on the bed, going nuts because he realised Tom was safe and sound. He jumped down and jumped over to us, hugging us both and cried. "he's back, oh my god he's back!" Danny sighed, melting against us. "he's back Dan, he's back. Its gunna be alright now, I promise." Dougie smiled, squashed between the two of us and holding us both.

43 Dougies POV

Danny cried for a while, before running off to find everything else he wanted to give Tom. He ran into a door a few times, because of the glasses, but it didn't stop him, he was a whirl-wind of playful energy. "Danny, calm down! Your gunna hurt yourself badly in a minute!" Harry sighed behind me, squeezing my shoulders gently. "I don't care! If I go to hospital, I can be with Tom more!" Danny grinned widely, running through the house and back to Toms house again, needing books.

Again, we followed along behind and now helped to find him some books, his lyric/doodle book, and some comics. "that should give him enough to do, I don't know how long he'll be there for." Danny smiled, squeezing the lyric book close. "it might be a few weeks, but we can visit everyday, for the whole of visiting hours. I don't know how long Tom will be there for either, he's not eaten well for a year, or had a good amount of sleep, so the hospital might want to make sure he's 100% rested before they let him go." Harry sighed, almost knowing that Dannys heart would break every time we had to leave.

"I wonder how he is now, if he's still crying or if he's finally sleeping, or eating." Danny sighed, fiddling with Toms glasses. "I recon he's sleeping, he has worn himself out after todays stress, or the nurses have given him something to help him to sleep." Harry smiled a little, pulling me a little to sit on his lap, stroking my side. "do you really think so? I hope he is sleeping, that is the best thing for him right now, so he's at peace." Danny looked hopeful, he was literally clinging to our words for comfort. "yeah, I really think so. He's peacefully sleeping, I bet ya he's sleeping like a baby."


	23. Chapter 23

**El-Poynter - well we'll have to wait and see :P**

**xxPUDDxx - its alright, as long as when you read, you enjoy! :D and thank you very much!**

44 Toms POV

I lay still on the bed staring at the ceiling, counting all the cracks in it, watching a stain grow in front of my eyes. I had stopped crying now, and had been left on my own again by the nurse, after she had bandaged up my arm and made sure I couldn't get my hands on anything sharp. My hand was casually scratching my arm, I didn't need a sharp object to hurt myself with, I just needed my long nails.

"dinner time Tom! Now, what do you want to have?" the 'nice' nurse from earlier walked in, carrying a trolley with two different meals on. One was some sort of pie, and the other was roast dinner. My stomach rumbled loudly, growling at me to 'eat them both' while my head screamed at me to not even touch that! I still needed punishing properly for being found, and since I had nothing sharp, hungry strike was going to have to do. "I'm not hungry." I mumbled, chucking the blanket Danny had given me over my head. "I heard your stomach growl from here, and I know you haven't eaten well for a year, you need food. So come out from under there and tell me which meal you want." The nurses tone went from quite polite to harsh, she had already worked out that I was going to refuse everything she told me to do to the bitter end, until she gave up and went on to someone else. I wasn't trying to annoy her, I was just trying to stop her from wasting her time on me, when I didn't want or need it.

"neither, like I said, I'm not hungry." I grabbed my stomach as it growled loudly at me again, protesting against my words. "liar, you need to eat, badly, if you refuse, I will just force feed you." Now there was an idea, that would hurt, a lot, wouldn't it? But, I didn't want to bother even more people, so I couldn't risk it. "fine, roast dinner." I sighed and gave in, I wasn't going to actually eat it, I was going to stare at it for a while, then chuck it down the toilet. "thank you for giving in, here you go. I'll be back in a while to take the plate again and then its bed time." The nurse gave me the plate, and walked out. As soon as she was out of ear shot, I shoved it right to the end of the bed, glaring at it, willing myself to not give in, I was not going to eat until I deserved it.

I had to get rid of the guilt from all my mistakes, I had to, and this was the only way, I was being punished, and that got rid of some of that guilt. Not all of it, but some of it at least. I just wanted to be good, and to not hurt anybody, or force them to do things they didn't want to do just for my sake. Its not like I was doing it on purpose, I didn't even realise that I was being so annoying until about 15 months ago, when I realised how much time Danny, Harry and Dougie spent talking together, without me. How much more fun they had without me, and generally how happy Danny was without me, he was more distanced from me, and only made half - meant attempts at getting me to talk to him. I had just put two and two together and got the right answer, I was annoying, and only got to stick around because I could write songs and come up with good answers during interviews.

It had been fine just hanging about for a month before I started seeing everything more clearly, and how my mental illnesses messed everything up, so I planned to run away, I would have done it sooner if I hadn't been too chicken to do it. This time around, I was going to try and keep the guys away for as much as possible until I found the opportunity to run off, and this time I would be better at it, I was going to manage it this time, and not get caught.

45 Dannys POV

The next morning, I literally ran through the corridors, carrying the now fixed Mickey Mouse, and a bag with clothes and books for Tom. It weighed a tonne, but I didn't let that stop me from running to my long lost lover. I breathed a sigh of relief when I reached his room, seeing him sleeping soundly, curled up on his side in the bed, underneath the blanket I had given him yesterday. "aww, hey baby, I'm here now, okay? You sleep tight for me, I'll be here when you wake up!" I whispered, my heart melting at the sight of Tom looking so peaceful.

"aw, he's sleeping!" Dougie giggled, bending down so both him and Harry were sitting next to me on the floor. "yeah, he's all tired out. He deserves some sleep now. Now don't think I'm a freak or something, but I'm going to sit here and watch him like this until he wakes up." I had to resist stroking Toms face, I had missed being able to touch him, watch him sleep, hear him speak, and just being able to be with Tom. His presence was always such a comfort for me, because in my mind, if Tom was there, then everything was going to be okay. I had missed having that feeling constantly, and I was going to enjoy it for as long as I could.

"Tom isn't going to wake up for a while, we gave him a sleeping drug at around 3am this morning, he's going to be out of it for a while." A nurse walked in, checking charts, and monitors. "why did you sent him asleep at 3am?" I asked, not even looking at her, just looking at my Tom. "he couldn't sleep, so we gave him something to help him along. And don't worry, its not that deep, so he might be able to hear you." She smiled, and walked out. "okay, so that means he's not gunna wake up for a while..." the idea struck me, and I quickly stroked a hand over Toms cheek.

"oh god that feels good." I grinned, stroking his cheek and hair, it was addictive. "your hair is so soft Tom, its like wheat, and its the best hair I've ever seen. I love your hair." I whispered, grinning like a maniac, pushing Toms hair around his head, tucking his long hair behind his ear, quite shocked it almost reached his chin.


	24. Chapter 24

**thank you for the comments again! :)**

46 Toms POV

I groaned loudly in pain when I felt myself start to wake up, I didn't want to wake up, I wanted to sleep for years. Could I just sleep my life away and not have to go through with everything anymore? And since when did I fall asleep anyway? I had been staring at the ceiling until 3am, before a doctor came in and...oh, he must have drugged me. That made me already hate him, I didn't want to be drugged so I was vulnerable to the outside world!

"aw, are you waking up now?" a Bolton accented voice asked, making me groan again. F*ck, everyone had turned up again! I ignored the question and turned over, pulling the covers over my head, wondering if I could bore them into leaving. "okay, go back to sleep Tom, we'll still be here when you wake up!" Dannys familiar voice giggled, his hand resting on my side gently. I whimpered to myself and shuffled out of the way, curling into a ball next to the wall, trying to keep away from him. Danny couldn't touch me, I wasn't worthy of him touching me, he was faking affection anyway, I had to remember that. He was faking affection, they all were, just to try and keep me happy.

"wait a couple of minutes, so he falls asleep again, then we'll gentle pull him over a little, okay?" Harry whispered, probably trying to make sure I couldn't hear, but I still managed it. I froze as the words registered in my head, they were going to touch me, and try to move me away from the wall! I didn't want to move from the wall! I didn't want to be touched, to be looked after, worried about! All this attention was killing me, I hated having this much attention on me at one time, and it seemed like it wasn't going to stop anytime soon. Was it too much to ask to be left alone, like I wanted to be? And not moved from my comfy(ish) spot on the bed?

I made myself as heavy as possible when I heard 3 people standing up, their hands on my blanket and my body. Danny counted to three and they all carefully pulled my body closer to the middle of the bed, making me bite back a scream, I didn't want to be touched! Being touched was a horrible sensation to me, I hadn't been touched in months, and I had realised I hated it. I hated being touched, cared for and being treated like a child who couldn't look after himself. I could look after myself! It had been a year since I had run away, and I still managed to survive out there! Why did everyone feel the need to look after me?!

My eyes squeezed shut when tears started to well up in my eyes, not wanting to cry while people were in the room, especially when those people were my supposed best friends and boyfriend. They would only read it that I was helpless and needed to be nurtured and treated like a baby, not a fully grown 26 year old man. They shouldn't have even been here, they could have been on holiday right now, or at home, cuddling up on a sofa, or having band practise. Why was it always me who stopped them from these things? A part of me just wanted them to go away and enjoy themselves, while the rest of me wanting wanted them to stay and actually be my best friends, make me forget they were faking. I was torn in two, and just wanted to be away from here, so I wasn't feeling like this anymore.

47 Harrys POV

The little lump underneath the duvet that was Tom started shaking a few minutes after we moved him, little cut off whimpers were falling from his lips, telling us he wasn't actually sleeping. "hey, Tom, whats the matter? Are you cold?" Danny asked first, putting a hand on his arm comfortingly, making the shakes worse. "er, Dan, come here a minute." I had a feeling that being this close was causing this, and wanted to pull Danny back before he freaked Tom out. "in a sec, Tom, whats wrong? Why are you shaking?" Danny basically ignored me, paling in worry for his ill lover.

Not too gently, I pulled him away, getting a glare in return. "what the f*ck? Can't you see I'm trying to help him!" he growled, I didn't take it personally. "yeah, but you might be making him worse. Think about it Danny, its been a year since you've last been in contact with each other, a year since he's had any proper human contact. Think about it, he might need some time to get used to people again, get used to us again. Just give him a few days, okay? Then touch him, get close again, not just now while he's tired, food deprived and not used to his surroundings." I explained, almost seeing his heart sink and break inside his chest.

"but he needs to know he's loved." Danny whimpered quietly, defeated. "I know he does, and he will know he's loved, just let him get used to everything first. It has been a year, its a long time to be away from everything." I sighed, giving Danny a hug before he got even more upset. He hugged back tightly, gripping onto my shirt to keep me in place. "hey, we haven't shown him Mickey yet, have we?" Dougie asked, now there was a point. "Danny, go give him Mickey, he'll want him tonight. And tell him about what we've brought for him." I agreed, letting Danny do most of the talking to Tom, knowing how much pain he had been put through because he missed him so much.

Danny carefully bent down to Toms level again, reaching out to him, then thinking the better of it. "hey, Tom, you know we took Mickey from you yesterday to get his ear fixed? Well, Carrie fixed him last night, and I've got him with me here, I thought you would like to have him back." Danny whispered gently, in the quietest voice I had ever heard him use in the past 7 years. He was trying so hard to be kind, and not touch Tom, I only hoped Tom would accept him again.


	25. Chapter 25

**quickly adding as i've just gotten in from school, i hope you enjoy! **

48 Dougies POV

Tom didn't even move from his position, just stayed curled up on the bed, whimpering quietly, facing the wall. "Tom, don't you want Mickey? He's all patched up now and as good as new!" Danny sounded heartbroken, and looked like he wanted to cry. "Tom? Look, he's all fixed now!" Danny leant over the bed carefully, putting Mickey in front of Toms face, physically showing him that the toy was fixed.

I gave in and sat down on the bed with the two boys, so Danny didn't feel completely shut out. He looked so upset, and so alone, it hurt to see him look so lonely. 'he'll come around' I mouthed reassuringly at him, trying to give him a smile. He gave me a small, barely even a twitch of a smile back, fiddling with his fingers. An awkward silence filled the room, all of us looking around, trying to think of something to say.

"we brought you some clothes and books to read, so you don't get bored when we're not here. And I found your other glasses last night, so your gunna be able to see again." Danny finally said, and we still got nothing. "come on Tom, say something, you can't stay quiet forever." I sighed, wanting to hear his voice again, even the word 'hi' would have done, it had been so long since I had been in the same room as Tom while he had been speaking. He needed to speak, if he spoke, then he was registering what we were saying, so we could tell him that he was loved.

"Tom, come on, I know your scared, but you need to talk to someone. I know its difficult, you haven't had much contact with anyone, but you have got to at least try to interact with us. We're not going anywhere anytime soon, so you might as well start trying." Harry encouraged a little bluntly, and though it was harsh, it was the truth.

49 Toms POV

It was so hard keeping in tears, all I wanted to do was cry, cry and sob until I literally couldn't cry anymore. I hated being here with the 3 guys I loved so much, not even able to talk to them, trying to push them away, make them leave me alone so they could actually have a happy life. Why couldn't they take the hint? Or was I just not trying hard enough?

2 excruciatingly painful hours later, it was the end of visiting hours, and the guys left at last. "bye Tom, we'll see you in the morning, yeah? Hopefully you can come home soon." Dougie smiled a little, hugging me awkwardly. Harry did the same, and I had to literally bite back a scream to tell him to not touch me, to just go away! It didn't matter anymore, I was running away again tonight, I was getting out of here, and no-one was going to stop me, I had done it once, I could do it again.

Danny was the last to leave, he was fussing over me again. "right, I've gotta go Tom, but I'll be back in the morning. You comfy?" Danny pulled the blanket he had given me yesterday over my curled up form, making sure I was covered by it. "I'll take that as a yes, so try to go to sleep, it'll be good for you to have a sleep. Ohh, you like to sleep with the TV on, I forgot that! Give me a sec, wheres the remote?" Danny seemingly had a brainwave, running around until he found the remote for the TV on the wall, turning it on and finding some old sci-fi movie with bad special effects to put on, turning the sound off so I could sleep. "there we go! That'll do, so now your all tucked in and have the TV on, that leaves one thing, doesn't it? A goodnight kiss! Night Tom, see you in the morning, sleep well." Danny smiled and kissed my cheek, making me whimper before he walked out.

I waited another 20 minutes before I dared to move, looking around to see if there were any signs of anyone coming my way. There wasn't, luckily, but I knew I had to wait a while longer, when most of the staff went home. To pass the time, I watched the old movie on the TV, it wasn't really interesting anyway, and didn't stop my thoughts whirling around in my head.

What was going to happen if I ran away again and got caught? Were they going to send me straight to the nut house? I hoped not, I didn't belong there, I wasn't crazy, this whole running away thing was for everybody elses happiness. It wasn't like I was being selfish and running away for my own good, I was running so I could get away from the people I harmed. No-one else would see it that way though, and think I was just nuts, and needed to be looked after and watched over. I could look after myself! It wasn't like I was dangerous or anything, I just had mood swings and self harmed! That wasn't that bad! It didn't mean I needed looking after, I could look after myself, I had managed it for a year on my own, with only occasional help from Carrie!

Somehow, I ended up in tears, hugging my knees, feeling worthless again. I only ever caused other people trouble, made them waste their time on me, I didn't deserve all this kindness, or anything for that matter. All I ever did was get in the way of someone else being happy, or getting on with their lives. I had already wasted two days of Danny, Harry, and Dougies lives, how could I waste anymore? They shouldn't have had to come here and try to get me to respond to them, pretend they actually cared about me. I was going, and this time, I wasn't going to be found.

It got to 11 at night and most of the staff had gone home, so I quickly got changed, and turned all the machines hooked up to me off. Before I left I pulled another page out of my notebook, writing 'please, please don't try and find me again, get on with life, have fun, please. Go ask James Bourne to take my place in the band, he'll be happy to do it, you'll be amazing together, forget about me, please.' With that, I left it on the bed, checked the coast was clear, and ran.

"hey! Stop!" someone shouted behind me, I turned around to see a security guard run off after me. Sh*t! This time someone was actually checking where I was! I ran even faster, bolting it through the corridors, trying to ignore that I was getting weaker again. There was more people joining the first guard now, and I panicked, I didn't want to be caught! But there was no way I could out run these guards, they were stronger and faster than me! There was nowhere to hide, and I couldn't see a door anywhere that I could run through!

"sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!" I cursed, seeing a dead end corridor. I couldn't turn back, and there was nowhere left to run. With a thump, I smacked into the wall, causing blackness to take over my vision for a few seconds, and my head to hit the floor. Something sharp pushed into my arm, and the last thing I remembered was being picked up and put on a gurney before everything went blank.


	26. Chapter 26

**thank you to everyone who has commented! you've made my day! :D**

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50 Dannys POV

The night past without much happening, apart from recurring nightmares. I couldn't stop dreaming of the future, and how this was planning out right now. At the moment, it looked like I was never going to hear Tom talk to me again, he wasn't going to smile, talk, laugh, play music, or do anything Tom-like again. It haunted me to think that, but what if I never did see Tom smile, or talk ever again? What if he was so damaged from the time away, he couldn't speak or anything ever again? I needed Tom back, we all needed Tom back, I couldn't stand not being able to talk to him, hold him, love him like I always would have.

"Danny, we're here! You up yet?" Harry called from downstairs, and I just stayed in bed. He and Dougie came up a few minutes later, sitting on the bed with me. "hey, time to rise and shine! We've gotta go see Tom!" Dougie encouraged, shaking my shoulder. "yeah, but whats the point if he's just going to face the wall and not react to anything?" I sighed, trying so hard not to give up hope on my Tom. "he'll warm up soon. Just give him some time. We don't know what happened over the past year, something could have happened to him, thats really messed his head up. We just need to spend some time with him and let him know that we're not going to do anything but give him love. Look, how about we take the DVD player down and some DVDs, we'll watch them with him, like we used to on tour. Maybe that will help." Harry suggested, and I sat up. "yeah, that could help, thats how friends act isn't it? Maybe he'll realise we're his friends that way!" I smiled, jumping up from the bed.

"exactly, now go get dressed, we have half an hour before we have to go. We'll get the DVDs, any preferences?" Dougie nodded, getting up, making sure Harry was still holding him. "erm, Star Wars, and Friends, that'll make him laugh." I answered, running to my wardrobe to find some of my best clothes. Then I ran to the bathroom, getting showered and dressed, not coming out until I looked my best, wanting to look good for Tom. I put my hair up, making sure it wasn't fluffy or frizzy, and that there wasn't a single curl still curly. My hair wasn't long enough to look alright curly, so I made sure it was straightened and gelled up.

Then, I bounded down the stairs and scoffed my breakfast so fast I almost had heartburn! "you ready to go?" Harry asked, pulling on his shoes again. "yep, ready to rock and roll...and gain back my lovers trust!" I grinned, actually not able to wait to see Tom, just to see if he smiled.

51 Harrys POV

Danny clutched at the DVD player the whole way to the hospital, like it was his life line to Tom, which it probably was. When we reached the hospital, he almost skipped to Toms room, but stopped dead in his tracks, paling and almost dropping everything he had in his hands. "Dan, whats up? Whats...oh." I looked from Dannys face to Toms bed, feeling myself pale at the sight.

Tom was laying awkwardly on the bed, his wrists and ankles tied down to the bed by restraints. There were clear tear tracks on his pale face, and by the looks of it he was knocked out, because no-one was that still while they were sleeping. "sh*t Tom!" Danny reacted first, running forward and undoing all the restraints, gathering the blonde in his arms. "oh baby, you poor, poor boy! Your safe now, your safe now." Danny whimpered, squeezing Tom tightly, seemingly not caring about the fact that Tom was knocked out and not responding.

"why would they do this to you, huh? What happened last night?" Danny asked, moving around so he was sat behind Tom, resting him on his chest, arms around his bony shoulders. "I don't know, maybe he panicked a little as someone tried to touch him?" I suggested, shrugging, not knowing why Tom would end up being restrained and knocked out. "maybe, I hope he doesn't wake up soon! Because, f*ck its been a while since I've hugged him, he's so small, but it feels so good." Danny sighed, cuddling Tom like he would have cuddled a teddy, smiling a little. "you might have to move when he wakes up, because he might be a bit nervous from whatever happened last night." I warned lowly, not wanting to upset Danny. "I know, but for now, Toms getting a hug whether he likes it or not!" Danny giggled a little, nuzzling into Toms hair, kissing him over and over.

About an hour later, a nurse walked in to check Toms condition, and we asked her what happened last night, because Tom was still knocked out so we couldn't ask him. "well, last night, about 2 hours after you left, Tom tried an escape attempt, and ended up running through the corridors while being chased by 5 security guards. He almost outran them, but ran into a dead end wall, so we knocked him out and then took him back here. He should be waking up in about half an hour, and for Toms and your own safety, I would get off the bed and put him back into those restraints. And that isn't a suggestion, thats an order." The nurse explained, then glared at us until we got off the bed.

"do we have to put him back into the restraints? I'm sure he'll be fine." I asked, I wasn't sure I would be able to stand putting Tom into restraints, especially while he was so helpless. "its just a precaution, and it'll stop him running away again. He's here for his own good, not just for fun or something, so he needs to stay in the bed so we can treat him." The nurse gave us a warning glare, and we let her strap Tom down again, not even able to look at our trapped friend.


	27. Chapter 27

**thank you both for the comments again! :D**

52 Dougies POV

It hurt to watch Tom wake up, seeing as he couldn't move and was obviously not sure what was going on. It started with him groaning in pain, his head twitching, whimpering with the bright lights. He tried to lift his hand, probably to shield his eyes, but obviously couldn't due to the restraints. At that moment, Toms eyes almost blasted open and he tried to sit up, panicking. "hey, Tom stop it, its okay! Your still in the hospital." Danny rushed to explain, gently pushing Toms shoulders down. "you ran away last night, but they stopped you, and brought you back, because you need to be here. Your not well enough to leave yet, your still very weak from being...away for a year." Harry struggled to come up with a word to not make the disappearance sound too bad.

"yeah, but don't worry, you'll be out soon enough, so theres no need to escape. We'll look after you the whole time, just calm down!" I added, needing to calm him down. But Tom didn't stop panicking, he carried on writhing about on the bed, whimpering and crying as we tried to stop him struggling. "Tom, honey, stop it, you need to stop it now. Your just going to hurt yourself in a second. I need you to stop it, your just going to panic and then their gunna send you to sleep again! And thats gunna break our hearts, okay? Just take a deep breath for me and calm down, we brought the DVD player, we'll watch Friends, alright?" Danny tried, stroking Toms fringe out of his eyes calmingly, revealing a huge black bruise on his forehead from where he hit the wall.

We all hissed at the bruise, and I could imagine the speed Tom hit the wall at, that bruise was huge! At our hiss, Tom writhed even more, trying to get away and hide his face, but we couldn't let him go, he was going to hurt himself in a minute! "Tom, calm down! Please calm down, before you hurt yourself, you've got to stop before you break something!" Danny was clearly trying to not panic, and was only half managing it. It was hurting him to see Tom so distressed and panicky, held down to a bed so he really couldn't move. "Tom, please stop struggling, you've got to stop now, one of the doctors will send you to sleep again if your not careful!" I tried to help out, but it was impossible, Tom was freaking out.

Only 2 minutes later, 3 nurses came in, saw our struggle, and wordlessly put a sleeping drug into Toms IV. And then, we watched as Tom slowly calmed down, and fell still on the bed, forced into a drug induced sleep.

53 Toms POV

Why was everything in blackness again? Why couldn't I move, or hear, or anything?! I wanted to move! I needed to move right now! I had to get out of these restraints and out of this hospital, out of this city, maybe even out of the country. Anything I had to do to get away from here, get away from everything, be free again, so everyone was free.

My struggle to move was fruitless, everything was still black, and nothing would move. Instead, I just had to plan an escape route, taking into account that trying to get out through the corridors wasn't a good idea anymore, maybe going through a window? How high up was I? Would I be able to climb a tree to get down to ground floor? When the blackness disappeared, I would check, and then the minute I was left alone and was released, I was out of here.

It took hours to get out of the blackness, but eventually it cleared, the bright lights burning my eyes so much they watered. "hey, don't cry! I'm sorry you missed your friends, but thats what you get when you try to escape when you need to stay here." The same nurse I always seemed to have knelt in front of me, wiping away the tears. I turned my head the other way, whimpering loudly, not wanting to have her wiping away tears. They weren't even tears, the lights stung, that was it! Nothing more, nothing less, I wasn't crying! "look, I know your upset, but, you really shouldn't have panicked like you did. I'm guessing you don't like hospitals much, do you?" the nurse turned my head back again, making me look at her.

I didn't respond, just looked away, not able to look her in the eye. Making eye contact was so weird to me, I couldn't do it anymore, it was so difficult to look into someones eyes, what if they could read my mind when they looked at me? What would they see in there, they wouldn't like it, but what if they could read my thoughts when they made eye contact with me?

"its okay to admit to that, a lot of patients don't like being in hospital, and its nothing to be ashamed of. Your not the only one in the world who is scared of being in a place like this, lots and lots of people are. But you'll be going home soon if you let us do our job, let us take care of you and make you better, okay? Then you can go home, and be with your friends again, and I don't expect to see you back again from causing more cuts." The nurse explained, trying to make me feel better, it did nothing, I was still upset and depressed. I didn't want to go home, I wanted to go back to living in my car, out of everyones way, not in my house, where everyone would feel like I needed to be looked after. I hated being looked after and wasting peoples time, and needed to get away again, this time hiding far, far away. But where would I go to not be caught, there was nowhere! It made me cry properly, I just wanted to get away, and make everyone happy, couldn't I do that without people trying to stop me?


	28. Chapter 28

**sorry if this add comes out in really small writing, it seems to have gone a bit weird in the doc manager o_O**

54 Dannys POV

"do you think he's woken up yet?" I asked, pushing the food on my play around, not actually eating it. "he might have, I dunno. I don't know how long they've knocked him out for." Harry shrugged, squeezing Dougies shoulders as he sniffed slightly. "I hope Tom hasn't woken up yet. He needs rest and he doesn't get it when he's panicked and f*cking tied to a bed." I grumbled the last bit, wincing when I thought about it. My poor baby Tom was laying in a bed, unable to even scratch his own nose, let alone anything else, probably scared and alone, crying. He needed someone with him, telling him that we loved him, and everything was going to be okay.

"they'll let him go soon Danny, when he calms down a little. Can you blame him for being panicky?" Harry reasoned, and I couldn't really blame him. "no, I don't know whats going on in his head, all I know is that I'll do anything to get rid of those bad thoughts." I sighed, letting myself be brought into the couples arms, needing some more comfort when thinking about how much pain my Tom was going through.

Days past by slowly, because even though we were at the hospital, no real progress was made. Most of visiting hours was spent waiting for Tom to wake up, because he apparently spent his awake time panicking, and sometimes screaming to be let go of. We tried talking to the doctors, about taking Tom out of the restraints, because that could calm him down a lot, and they refused. "we don't think it will help, only hinder. Tom likes to pick his scabs off and refuses to eat, and tries to escape, we think its best we keep him in the restraints until he at least stops trying to get out all the time." The main doctor, doctor Gubler, explained, breaking my heart.

"please, he'll stop trying to escape when you show him that your not going to hurt him! And he'll eat again, Tom can never eat when he's scared, and he is obviously scared now! Please, let him go for some part of the day, at the least, he'll improve, I know he will." I pleaded, needing to get him out of here soon, the pain of not having Tom at home had almost eaten away my soul, he needed to be home now. He belonged at home, not in hospital, restrained to a bed and sent to sleep every time he panicked.

54 Toms POV

I had a pleasant surprise when I woke up, finding I was on my own, and unrestrained. My head was pounding, and my arms and legs ached, but at least I was awake and could move. The first thing I did was sit up, and look around, trying to gauge what time it was and such things. It was night-time, and next to me was the portable DVD player, set up to play a Friends DVD. There was a piece of paper on top of it, and I picked it up, recognising Dannys messy hand writing.

'Tom, when you wake up, please don't try and run off, please! We're trying to prove to the doctors that you won't run away again, and won't panic much. Watch the Friends DVD, and please try to keep calm, and let the nurses do whatever they need to do. We'll be back in the morning, please prove us right. Danny xxxx' it read, and I sighed. I was grateful to him that he had gotten me released a little, but I didn't understand why he did it. Wasn't it easier to have me restrained and sedated, because then he didn't have to turn up because I wasn't going to notice?

I stopped thinking and took a deep breath, not wanting to think about it and end up crying, feeling that need to cut my arms to shreds. Instead, I turned on the DVD, letting myself get absorbed in it, not noticing a few nurses walking in and out, until the most familiar one turned up.

"well, well, well look who's finally back into the world of the awake!" she joked, dragging a trolley with food on it behind her. I rolled my eyes, not wanting to have the mick taken out of me. "its good to see you awake and looking a bit better, theres actual colour in your cheeks now, before you looked dead!" she smiled, checking a few monitors, making sure I hadn't touched them again. "are you gunna reply to me at some point, or are you going to ignore me some more?" she asked, giving me a half stern look. "well ask me a question then." I snapped, not liking her jokes at me, and her attempt to be friendly, it was lie, and being lied to was something I was trying to avoid.

"well someones grumpy! So, we have chicken and rice, or toad in the hole, which one do you want to eat?" she pointed to the dreaded food tray. "neither, not hungry again." I lied, not wanting to eat it. I wasn't worthy of good food, I was too messed up and annoying to have it. "yes you are, don't lie to me. I'm not fighting you every time it comes to meal time. Choose which one your going to eat, and this time, please eat it and not just stare at it." The nurse glared, I looked away, scared she would read my mind again. "I'm not hungry, leave me alone." I growled, ducking under my blanket, not letting her pull it off me. "not until you eat something. Your very ill and you need food or something bad will happen." She warned, it did nothing. Bad things happening to me was fine by me, I didn't even care.

"right, I'm going and giving everyone else their food, then coming back here. Your eating then, even if the food has gone cold!" she stormed out, and an idea struck me. Cold food...cold hospital food, which was usually disgusting anyway, cold disgusting hospital food, I could eat that. Seeing as I was turning cold as I built walls up around my heart, protecting it from hurt. I was disgusting, so I deserved disgusting food, so I could eat the hospital food! I smiled, at least I found something I could do without feeling guilty.


	29. Chapter 29

**xxPUDDxx - haha! **

55 Dannys POV

Running the hospital corridors, I was relieved to see Tom sleeping, unrestrained, curled up on his side under his blanket. He looked exactly like the guy I had fallen in love with, looking adorable, and beautiful, like my whole world. I crept over, so he didn't wake up, kneeling next to his bed. "aw, your adorable Tom, I love you." I whispered, brushing some strands of blonde hair out of his face. "aw, he still sleeping?" Harry smiled behind me, sitting with me and Dougie. "yeah, hell, I think I've fallen for him more." I sighed dreamily, unable to look away from my Tom. This was the first time in a long time that I had seen Tom look so peaceful while he slept, and not look dead.

At last, he had some colour back, he wasn't paper white, and his breathing had calmed down a little, so it wasn't so ragged and out of time. Finally, he was getting a little better, and I felt a little bit of hope, for Tom coming home with us soon. "how well do you think he'll have to be before he can come home?" I asked, using all my strength to not pick Tom up and squeeze him, cradle him in my arms. "I'm guess almost 100% back and alive I'm guessing. They won't let him go unless he starts eating, no way." Harry sighed, rubbing my shoulder. "I know, I hope he starts eating soon. He'll never leave otherwise." I agreed, leaning on his shoulder, waiting for Tom to wake up.

It took hours for him to wake up, but I didn't mind, watching Tom sleep was like therapy after not seeing him for a year. To be honest, I still couldn't believe he was here, right in front of me, safe and (not so) sound, and not dead in some alleyway. My Tom, was actually here, on the bed, wrapped up in his blanket, and I now noticed he was hugging Mickey Mouse too.

Waking up was a slow process, but the cutest thing I had witnessed in years. At first, Tom made a small groaning noise, trying to nuzzle into the pillow more, curling into a ball more. His eyes scrunched up at the light, and he made a whimper/yawn type noise, turning over and stretching. I was grinning widely when he rubbed his eyes and finally opened them, having to almost sit on my hands so I didn't do something stupid like jump on top of him and refuse to let go.

56 Dougies POV

I held my breath a little bit as Tom woke up, worried over how he was going to react to see us all sitting here, watching him. "hey Tom, did you have a nice sleep?" Danny asked softly, still dreamily staring at the blonde, like he was his whole world, and really, Tom was. Tom jumped with a squeak, scrambling to hide under the blanket. "aw, don't be scared honey, its only us, we're not gunna do anything to you! Come out of there, we wanna watch a DVD!" Danny giggled, ignoring that Tom was probably scared, just tried to duck under the blanket as well.

"come on Tom, get out from under there! We're gunna watch a film with you!" I joined in, keeping my voice light and jokey, trying to show that it was okay to come out of the blanket. "you two move, I'm trying something." I gave up, shoving Danny out of the way. Both him and Harry gave me a worried look, but I just smiled, "I have this, don't worry! Make room, I'm getting in!" I gave Tom a little warning, watching the Tom shaped lump wriggled towards the wall.

Carefully, I crawled in under the covers, taking up a similar position as Tom was. Though I didn't cover my face with my hands, shaking like a leaf. "hey, look at me Tom, look at me a minute." I pulled his arms away gently, holding in a shudder at the bandages, not delicate, soft, muscled arms. Tom still didn't look at me, but at least he didn't fight to get his arms back, instead chewed on his lip until he almost drew blood. "okay, so we need to talk about this. You can't just hide under a duvet all the time, it hurts us to watch you hide. I know its hard, you've been away for a year, and aren't used to normal life, but you have to at least try to be with us. We're not giving up on you, ever, so please don't give up, you'll never be out of here otherwise. Now come on, get out from under here and we'll all watch Star Wars, okay?" I held onto Toms arms, keeping the point of contact, the next best thing to eye contact.

Just then, the Star Wars theme tune came out of the DVD player, and think that did it, because once that music started, Tom never ever resisted. Slowly, he took his head out of the blanket, moving to sit up properly, nervously fiddling with his fingers. "there we go, not so bad is it?" Danny encouraged, getting on the bed as well. Somehow, we all barely managed to fit, as long as I sat on Harrys lap, not that there was any complaining there from me!


	30. Chapter 30

**evilneevil - haha thanks! **

**xxPUDDxx - thank you so much! i'm glad i can make you laugh between angst! and thank you! i quite enjoy writing Pudd moments xD**

57 Harrys POV

I didn't pay any particular attention to the film playing, having already watched it quite a few times with Dougie already, so instead, I sat draw patterns over Dougie as he sat on my lap. It had been so long since we had sat down and watched a film together, been almost fully relaxed, I hadn't ever thought that being like this again would be possible, so I was taking the opportunity to be a loving husband as my other half watched one of his favourite films. He didn't seem to mind, just leant back into me a little more, holding my arms as my hands made random shapes.

"love you, you little genius." I whispered, nodding my head towards Tom, who was still sitting up, totally engrossed in the film. Danny was sitting next to him, and I could tell he was resisting putting an arm around the blonde, instead having to take sideways glances at him from the corner of his eye. "love you too, and I'm not, I just did some encouraging." Dougie blushed quietly, leaning his head on my shoulder. "and it worked! I'm proud of you, and I'm sure Danny is too." I smiled, nuzzling into his blonde hair, squeezing his waist gently.

We reluctantly went back to watching the film, and managed to watch the second one too before visiting hours were over. The routine went on like usual, saying goodbye to Tom first, then letting Danny tuck him in on his own, then going home. Danny was bouncing on his seat in excitement, so happy that he had actually spent some time with Tom, sitting next to him like he would have a year ago. "tomorrow has to be like that, and every day from today has to be like that! And slowly, Tom will trust us more and then, he'll be allowed home, and we'll be a couple again!" Danny grinned, bouncing into his house, hyper beyond belief.

"Danny, its not going to happen that fast, it was a miracle we stopped him hiding today!" I warned, not wanting to upset Danny, but having to make sure he knew what was going to happen. "I know, but it will happen, Tom will be allowed home soon, then I can work on our relationship. I was so stupid before, I'm going to make sure he knows that I love him and that I'll be better in the future if we wants me to." Danny fiddled with the necklace around his neck, but smiled at the same time. "he'll hopefully take you back, I can't see he won't." I encouraged, not wanting a depressed Danny on my hands again.

58 Toms POV

I barely listened to the nurse who was talking to me, the one who always talked to me, as she checked all of the charts and monitors, and everything else. She had set them to go off if I turned them off, and was now checking I hadn't tried to turn them off or something. "thank you for actually behaving today, I bet you had more fun because you have been let go of! Isn't it easier to behave than to fight?" she smiled, handing me a plate with some shepherds pie on. "I guess." I shrugged, trying to not gag on the food. It was disgusting, half cold, and I swear not cooked properly. I ate it anyway, not wanting to have anything better when I didn't deserve it.

"told you, didn't i? Keep this up and you should be able to go home next week! Well, you still have to talk to a shrink and the police, just to make sure your okay, and to find out why you ran away, then we'll let you go easy!" she ruffled my hair and walked out, leaving me to eat in peace. And start to worry about talking to people about why I ran away. To other people it would sound stupid, and probably crazy, but to me, it made sense. It made complete sense, everything made sense to me. I was annoying, attention seeking, and special needs, and Danny, Harry and Dougie were perfect and far too kind to tell me to sod off and leave them alone. So they put up with me, and pretending to like me, and love me, so I was happy.

I still felt sorry for doing that to them, when I really shouldn't have been, and promised myself that when I was allowed home, I would be nice to them and would let them get on with whatever they wanted. If that meant hiding away in my house, they I was going to do it, I would do anything to keep them happy, literally anything. And seeing as I would probably be caught within minutes of running, the least I could do was try and stay out of their way.

For the rest of the night, I dozed, thinking about how to make sure everyone was happy. I would practise playing as much as I could, and write the best songs I had ever written, so the band would still be successful. In interviews, I would pretend to be happy, and friends with everyone, so fans thought that nothing had changed over the past year. Something had changed, I had changed, for the better, and now we would be even more successful because I wasn't going to hold us back anymore. It was going to be my own personal torture, but it would be so, so worth it, to see how happy Danny, Harry and Dougie would be, free of me torturing them.

I fell asleep, heart breaking, but knowing it was going to be worth it in the long run. I could get over pain, and if I couldn't, I would use the razor against myself, until it was right.


	31. Chapter 31

**xxPUDDxx - haha, i hate it when my ipod does that to me too! and thank you so much! :D**

**evilneevil - well, it may take a while to give Tom his happy ending, but, i'll have to see what i can do xD**

**thank you both so much for your comments, i haven't had the best day and your words have cheered me right up, thank you!**

59 Dannys POV

I didn't sleep at all that night, spending the whole night planning out ways to get Tom to trust me, to love me again. I know it wasn't really fair on him to try and force him into liking me again, but I needed him, so badly, if I couldn't have him, I would never survive. Being with Tom for 4 years, it had changed me, made me almost dependant on him, I couldn't live without seeing him everyday. Or at least hearing his voice, his voice made my heart explode inside me, and his kisses made me want to pass out. I had thought we had been so happy together, unbelievably happy, and it was my fault he hadn't been. If I had been just a little more perceptive, taken a little more time to talk to him, told him he was loved, maybe he wouldn't have run away. It was my fault he ran away. I had to make it up to him, be at least friends with him. Being Toms friend was better not having him at all, as this past year had proved, I almost started going down the destructive path of self harm, like he had. I was insane without Tom, I was going to be a better friend to him, so he wanted to stay, so this guilt would go away. It just needed to go away.

"Danny, its time to go, why are you still in bed?" Harry asked, making me jump as he sat on the bed with me. "I was thinking, about Tom. How I was going to make it up to him and be a better friend. I was cr*p before, I'm going to be better now, he deserves the best in the world, I'll be d*mned if I don't at least try." I sighed, leaning on his side, needing a hug. "I know you'll try Dan, but you do an amazing job already! I really don't think you need to try and do better." Harry wrapped a muscled arm around my shoulders, running a hand through my messy curls. "I think I do, I didn't try hard enough to find out what was wrong, I just ignored it, thinking it would go away soon. What I didn't know was that the whole of him would go." I whimpered, grabbing his other hand, trying to pretend I was holding a thin, pale piano players hand.

"Danny, think about it, what did you spend Toms birthday doing? Getting him a present and wrapping it up, making sure it was perfect. You must have wrapped it 20 times, I've never known another person do that for someone. I mean, I did that for Dougs, but that was for the engagement, making sure the ring and box was perfect for him, and thats what you do with Tom. You've the best boyfriend for him, you really are. You don't need to improve on anything, now come here, give me a hug and then go get showered and changed. I'll get you some food to eat to wake you up a bit." Harry hugged me close before getting up and pushing me to the bathroom.

60 Toms POV

As the nurse said, a week of having Danny, Harry and Dougie coming to see me and watch movies and DVD box sets with me, I was finally allowed home. I was still weak, but not as weak as I was, and apparently I was healthy enough to stay at home. But I still had to take it easy, and not over do it. Before I got to go though, I had to see a shrink, and then go to the police station, to make sure everything was sorted, and to get my car back.

The shrink wasn't too bad, just asked me a few things, like if I was feeling okay, and if I was looking forward to going home. I lied through my teeth and said I was very happy to go home and spend some time with my friends, and get back to being a guitarist in McFLY again, put this all behind me. He had half believed me and prescribed me some anti-depressants, and let me go, now onto the police.

The police wanting me to go to their station, so I unwillingly went, not wanting to have to walk from there home, but the air was going to do me good, unless I could drive home. "now its only a few questions, so we understand why you ran away. Its standard procedure for all runaways." A police officer smiled, gesturing for me to take a seat on the opposite side of the table to him. "have you got someone to pick you up?" he asked, I shook my head. It was still before visiting hours at the hospital, so the guys hadn't turned up yet. They didn't know I was here, and to be honest, I didn't even care, they could stay at home today. Before I had left, I had told the friendly nurse to tell them where I was and tell them to go home, because I would come home after I was done here. Now they needed to actually pay attention to that and not come round mine, and actually have some fun today.

"I'm here on my own, but I'm picking up my car, arent I? So I thought I was driving that home." I explained quietly, squeezing Mickey Mouse to my chest. "alright, but if you arent home, we've got your plates, we'll find you again. Now, down to business, why did you run away?" the policeman warned, giving me a stern look. "I, erm, I just needed a break. Its hard being in a band as huge as McFLY, and we haven't really stopped since we started 7 and a half years ago, I just needed some time out." I lied, getting used to lying now, people did it to me often enough, might as well start do it too, to protect my own sanity. "alright, so you ran away? Couldn't you ask for a holiday or something?" the policeman raised an eyebrow at me. "not really, because that would have worried the guys, and I didn't want them looking after me when I didn't need it. I just needed some time, to myself, with no-one else there, trying to look after me. I have problems, with my head, and in my mind, running away seemed like a good idea, and now I've realised it was wrong." I let a little bit of truth in, looking at a spot behind his head, so it looked like I was looking at him when I wasn't.

"alright, are your problems being looked after? We can get you help if you need it." Now he turned sympathetic, just because he realised I had problems, making the assumption that I needed help. "they're being looked after, I've been given anti-depressants, I'll be fine, I don't need any help. I just want to go home now, and spend some time with my friends, get back to how it used to be, before I ran off like an idiot." Lying was now getting so easy, it was a miracle. "okay, well, thats all that I can think of right now. I'll get your car keys, and you can go home now. Good luck with the band, and getting back to your life." He handed me my keys, showing me my car. I felt myself cheer up a little at the electric blue mini, getting in and finding everything I had left behind still there, driving off and going home to the house I hadn't been in for a year. It was daunting going inside, seeing that nothing had moved, and everything was still in its place, like it had been placed in a time capsule.

Looking around done, I picked up Marvin, and went upstairs, grabbing my duvet and hiding away in my music room, ready for whenever someone decided to burst through my front door. Rule 1 of keeping your band mates happy was to practise playing so I was good enough to still be in the band, so it was just easier to play in here in case someone actually wanted me.


	32. Chapter 32

**evilneevil - thank you for the offer, but i'm alright, i was just having a silly moment, but thank you for the offer :) and thats generally how i cheer myself up too lol!**

**xxPUDDxx - i do feel a lot better now, thank you :) and thank you! i'm really glad you enjoy my Pudd moments, i usually write them as the side pairing, i'm glad that they're still being noticed in amongst the Flones and the angst!**

61 Dannys POV

"what do you mean he left?!" I shouted, staring at Doctor Gubler like he was mad. He let Tom leave on his own?! "he left with the police, because they needed to talk to him about why he ran away." Doctor Gubler explained, looking very annoyed at us. "but, how will he get home?" Harry asked, gripping onto mine and Dougies shoulders. "their giving him his car back, so I'm guessing he'll drive home?" Gubler still didn't get it. "their giving Tom his car back, after he ran away, went missing, barely a fortnight ago we got him back. And now he is unsupervised, and with his car. Do you think he's going to go home?!" I tried to get it into his head, despairing, there was no way in hell Tom would go home, would he? Would he actually go home?

"oh, well, try going to the station, see if he is there." Gubler suggested, excusing himself, saying he had a patient to see. "sh*t, Toms gone again, hasn't he?" I felt tears well up behind my eyes, almost knowing that he had run off again. "don't think like that, Tom might have gone home, or he might not have gone yet. If we get down there quick, we could catch him!" Harry encouraged, following me as we ran off to the car again.

As Harry drove to the police station, I phoned Toms house phone, in case he had gone home and would answer his phone. He didn't, so I tried his mobile, getting the same tone it made when it was turned off. "f*ck! He's not picking up! He's run off again, f*ck I've lost Tom again!" I cried, whimpering and tugging on my hair. "Danny do not cry again, they'll find Tom easy if he has run off! We know where he'll be now, or at least have a very good idea. He will not be gone for long if he has run off again. You never know, he might have actually gone home!" Harry warned, he was trying not to cry too, and Dougie was curled in a ball on his seat, rocking himself as he whimpered.

Getting to the police station, I ran to the nearest policeman and asked for Tom, being told that Tom had been given his car and been allowed home. "huh? He's gone home?! How do you know he's actually gone home?!" I cried, why did everyone trust Tom to go home?! "we followed his car on the traffic cameras, he went home." The policemen explained, looking at me like I was mental. "but, what if he ran away on foot?" I whimpered, terrified Tom actually had ran away again. "well go home and see if he is there, if he is, don't worry, if he's not, call us. We'll find him again easily." The policeman smiled and ushered us out, leaving me to worry the whole way home.

62 Dougies POV

As soon as the car parked up, we were running into Toms house again, and I thanked god we knew the code to get in through the gates, or we would have been stuck outside. "Tom? You in here somewhere?" Danny called out, running around downstairs, then storming upstairs, me and Harry on his tails. We got no answer, no matter how many times we called out, so ended up frantically running around the house, trying desperately to find Tom. "Tom? Tom please be here please!" I begged under my breath, opening the door to the music room, sighing in relief to see Tom.

Tom was sitting at his keyboard, his arms crossed on top of the controls, his head pillowed on them. From what I could see, he was sleeping, wrapped in his duvet. "is he in there Doug? Oh...aw." Danny ran in, the worry from his face dropping into a small smile. "guys, help me get him into bed? He'll have back ache there." Danny asked, creeping forward to the sleeping boy. Carefully, Danny put one arm under Toms legs, the other around his back, lifting the sleeping boy up. Harry took off the headphones Tom was still wearing, and I made sure he was still wrapped in his duvet.

Ever so gently, Danny, smiling the whole time, carried Tom downstairs and into his bedroom, laying him on the bed and tucking him in. "sleep tight Tom, we'll be downstairs when you need us." Danny whispered, taking the blondes glasses away and pushing some hair out of his eyes. Reluctantly, he pulled away, but turned the TV on, making sure it was on mute. "why do you always turn the TV on?" I asked as we walked downstairs, leaving the sleeping blonde alone for a while. "Tom always sleeps with the TV on, he finds the light comforting, you know he believes in aliens and ghosts and stuff. To him, the light from the TV keeps away all the bad monsters, so he keeps it on, so he is safe at night." Danny explained, with that wistful look he always had when he talked about something Tom did that he loved, "he is so childish, but its so cute at the same time, ah I love him." Danny giggled, shaking his head, flopping onto the sofa, cuddling Sonic the Hedgehog again.

Hours later, we were still downstairs, waiting for Tom to wake up and come downstairs, or at least make a noise. "right, I give up, I'm gunna make us some dinner, then wake Tom up so he can eat it, you in?" Danny sighed, glancing upwards like Tom would magically come downstairs if he did. "alright, what are you going to make then? Roast dinner?" Harry asked, gently pushing me off his lap so he could stand up, keeping his hands on my waist the whole time. "yeah, though its not sunday, but it is Fletcher tradition to have a Christmas style roast whenever something good happens, so yeah, we'll make him a roast." Danny bounced into the kitchen, then realised there was no food there, so ran back to his own house.


	33. Chapter 33

**evilneevil - haha, thanks!**

**HelR - i'm not sure i understand what you mean by being glad that Tom is still thinking something bad. could you explain a little further?**

63 Toms POV

I felt someone shake my shoulder and whimpered, not wanting to open my eyes and get up. "Tom, Tom honey, its time to wake up, we've made you some dinner, and you need to eat. You've slept most of the day!" Danny giggled softly, still shaking my shoulder. Dinner, oh f*ck, I now was defiantly not getting out of bed! Instead, I groaned once more, chucking the duvet over my head, pretending to still be sleepy. "Tom, come on, you can't still be tired! Its time to wake up now! Dinners getting cold!" Danny laughed at me again, tugging a little of the duvet.

I whimpered again and held onto the duvet as much as I could, but I was no match for Dannys strength, he easily pulled the duvet off my head, exposing me to daylight. With a hiss, I pushed my face into the pillow, wait, pillow? Where did that come from?! I hadn't put that there, and why was I laying down? I had fallen asleep on the keyboard and... I hadn't been carried in here, had I? Oh my god, I had been! They had touched me, oh hell, they had touched me and tried to look after me again. Thats not what I wanted! I didn't want to be touched and looked after, thats why I had tried to not cause any attention to myself today. I hadn't told them on purpose that I was released from hospital today, so they didn't have to come round, but they had come round anyway.

I couldn't help it, I started to cry, whimpering into my pillow, trying to be quiet so Danny didn't hear. "oh baby, why are you crying? Its okay, you're in your bed, in your house, nowhere else. Your safe now, your home." Danny whispered, sitting on the bed and rubbing my back. I froze at the touch for a second, crying turning into sobbing when he didn't leave and just carried on trying to comfort me. I wanted to yell at him to stop, to go away and leave me in peace, but I couldn't. There was no way I could actually speak to him, I was too scared to speak around him, and I didn't want to seem angry at him. I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself for being here and making him look after me again.

"shhhh, Tom, shhh, its okay, I'm here now, its all alright. I'll take care of you, and keep you safe, don't worry." Danny made me even worse. I didn't want or need to be looked after, I was fine the way I was, really, I didn't need to be looked after. He could go home at anytime, I wasn't going to set the house alight or kill myself somehow if he left me. I was perfectly fine on my own, he could go out and have fun, go be with his boyfriends, his real boyfriends. Not his fake one, the crying whimpering mess of nerves and stupidity that was me, Danny needed to just go away now, before he really started to think I needed looking after.

64 Dannys POV

I didn't know why Tom was crying, but I hoped my guesses were close, and I hoped I was comforting him, not making him worse. "shh, Tom its okay, come on, I need you to stop crying now. Are you crying because your home? Because if you are, if you don't stop, I'll start too, and then we'll both miss dinner!" I tried joking now, having to sit on the hand that wasn't rubbing Toms back. If I didn't, I was going to grab him and sit him on my lap, and hug him until the end of time, no matter what he did. All I wanted to do was hug him and make sure he was alright, but that wasn't going to happen, I somehow knew that doing that would make him worse.

So instead, I carefully edged down the bed until I was laying next to Tom, so if he looked up, he would be facing me. "oh Tom, whats the matter with you, huh? Whats happened? None of us are mad at you if thats what you think, we're not going to shout at you for running away, it was a mistake yes, but we're not mad at you for running away. Your back now, and thats what matters the most, that your here, safe." I sighed, running a hand through his hair, smiling a little as it stuck up in weird little tufts.

It took me another 20 minutes to calm Tom down, then he just laid there, head pressed into the pillow, still not responding to me. "Tom, come on, dinners ready, we gotta go eat now. You need to eat, its been a year since you last ate properly!" I whimpered, trying so hard to get a reaction from him, even a little head nod would have done. "please, you have to get up, baby, please get up! Please, baby, we need you to get up, go downstairs and eat! Its not hospital food anymore, we're not the greatest of cooks, but, its something!" I was begging, holding in tears, Tom needed to move, he had to move. If he didn't move, he wasn't Tom, and if he wasn't Tom, then we were beyond screwed. Tom was usually bouncing around the room, and would have been half way to finishing dinner by now, but now he was laying here, not even moving, the only indication of whether he was alive or not was his breathing.

"look, if you want, I'll bring dinner up here, cause I'll do that for you, if you want. Just give me a nod if you want dinner being brought up here." I whimpered again when nothing happened, Tom was still just, laying there. I wondered if he was asleep, but surely he wouldn't have fallen asleep like this that quickly after crying? "okay, you must be sleeping, or you just don't want to talk to me. I'll go, but just know, dinners ready downstairs, and you can have it whenever you want, just come down and eat. I'll come back later, alright?" I gave up, gently kissing the back of his head and going downstairs, bursting into helpless tears the minute I reached the kitchen.


	34. Chapter 34

**evilneevil - thank you! :D**

**xxPUDDxx - thank you so much! i'm so glad that you're enjoying the different POV's and stuff! :D**

65 Toms POV

I stayed exactly where I was and didn't even move until I was sure that everyone had gone home. I only knew because Danny, Harry and Dougie came up to say goodnight. "night Tom, see you in the morning, have a good sleep." Harry smiled, I think. I couldn't see him, my face was still pressed into my pillow, it was almost suffocating, but I was used to it by now. "night Tom, cheer up a little, yeah? Your home, think about that, your home!" Dougie made a Chewbacca noise, and I secretly smiled. "night Tom, I'll be round in the morning. You have a nice sleep, yeah? And please try to go downstairs and eat something, I've put the roast in the microwave, so you just have to heat it up. Night Tom, tomorrow will be better, I promise." Danny pulled the covers over me, kissing my hair, walking out with the other two, closing the door.

As soon as I heard the front door close, I burst into tears, filled with pain and fear. This was so hard, trying to ignore the people I loved the most, it was so difficult, I didn't know how I managed it so far. All I wanted was to jump into their arms and never let go, go back to being happy again, being best friends again. I wanted to forget that they only felt sorry for me, and think they actually loved me like I loved them, have that happy life I had thought I had had before. Guilt filled up inside me again, I didn't deserve all this, this house, this band, these supposed friends, I didn't deserve any of it.

Scrambling out of bed, I ran to grab my still packed backpack, grabbing Mickey Mouse again too, sprinting to the front door. I had to get out of here, I had to get away from this, go back to the life I actually deserved. The door was locked, and there were no keys anywhere either to unlock it. I cried out and ran off to find an open window, the desperation to get out getting so bad I was almost having a panic attack. I tried every window in the house, and the back doors, finding that they were all locked, and all the keys had been taken away.

"no! No let me out! Let me out!" I screamed, banging on the door, hysterical tears falling down my face. No-one seemed to hear me, or care, because no-one came to see what was happening in here. My sobs were choking me, I could hardly breathe anymore as I slid down the door into a mess of tears on the floor. "let me out please, please let me out." I cried, trying to force air into my lungs, unable to even breathe. I was locked inside my own house, a prisoner by all accounts, unable to go anywhere. Why was this happening to me? Why was I locked inside my own house? Didn't everyone want me to run away again so I was out of their hair? Was it just easier to keep me here, so people knew exactly where I was?

Panic was completely filling me up inside now, I had to find something to release myself from panic! Somehow, I stumbled to my feet, running to a draw and finding a sharp knife, running upstairs and into the bathroom, grabbing a towel and falling over again. With a shaking hand, I pressed the knife to my arm, cutting a jagged line across my wrist, feeling a bit relieved to see the blood flow out of my arm. Slowly, as the blood flowed, I calmed down, until I was breathing again, just crying silently to myself.

67 Harrys POV

Danny practically ran into Toms house the next day, quickly unlocking all the doors and windows again. We had locked everything up last night and taken the keys with us, terrified Tom was going to try and run away again during the night, and so far, because everything was still locked, it looked like he was in the house.

"oh cr*p, the food is still in the microwave. Looks like Tom didn't eat last night." Danny sighed, chucking the plates contents in the bin. "he might have eaten something else, you never know." I encouraged, he needed to be cheery for when Tom woke up, if he wasn't just hiding away already. "yeah, or he can't eat yet. You know it takes a while for Tom to get used to things, it might just be nerves." Dougie joined in, and I knew he was trying to convince himself of that as well as Danny. "maybe, won't stop me worrying though." Danny looked so disheartened, this was going to be so hard on him. I knew that he wanted Tom to come home and everything to be back to normal again, to have the boy we knew and loved back straight away, it was breaking his heart to see him so unresponsive, and it hadn't even been a full day yet.

"I'm going to go wake him up, can you guys make breakfast?" Danny asked, and we agreed, watching him slope off upstairs. "looks like we're going to have to look after him as well now." Dougie whispered, putting toast in the toaster. "yeah, we might have to, but, you never know, Danny might be just fine." I encouraged again, giving him a hug. "I hope so, its going to be hell if they're both depressed." Dougie bit his lip, nuzzling into my chest. The toast popped up so I buttered it and put it in the microwave, almost knowing that in the time it was going to take Danny to wake Tom up, breakfast was going to go cold.

After another 10 minutes of just standing there, we gave up and went upstairs, finding Tom and Danny sitting in the music room. Tom was playing his guitar, the tune sounded a bit off, but that was to be expected, it wasn't like he was going to be perfect like usual after a year out. Danny was talking quietly to him, sitting about a foot away from the blonde crouched in the corner, who was blatantly trying to ignore the brunette. "hey, breakfast is ready. Its waiting downstairs if you want it." I winced as I broke their moment, well, half moment. It seemed like a moment for Danny, not Tom. I could almost see the mental walls he was building around himself, blocking himself out from us, keeping himself isolated and on his own.


	35. Chapter 35

**HelR - :(**

**xxPUDDxx - thanks! :)**

68 Dougies POV

Danny came downstairs for breakfast, but Tom stayed where he was, continuing to play like we weren't even there. I noticed he had his earphones in his ears, and that was probably why he couldn't hear us. "give me a minute, I think I know why Tom isn't responding." I broke away from the brunettes, going back to Tom. Carefully, I knelt down in front of him, reaching over to his Ipod, pausing the song playing, 'Angels Cry' by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. "hey, breakfast is ready, gunna come down and eat, or stay up here and play?" I asked softly, taking the earphones out of his ears, wrapping them around his Ipod.

Tom didn't reply, just moved his guitar and pulled his knees to his chest, looking at some spot at the bottom of the wall on his right. "hey, come on, its Doug, you can talk to me. Don't shut us out, we're here for you okay, we're not mad at you for running off. It was your decision, and we're gunna put it behind us and move on. So, come on, come downstairs and eat some breakfast before you starve and end up in hospital again." I whispered, seeing his bottom lip start to quiver. "hey, don't cry, please, don't cry. I know, its scary, its been a year, but nothing has changed, nothing at all. We're still your best friends, and Danny is still going to be your boyfriend, the minute your ready. We're going to stand by you, and its going to be okay, every things going to be alright. Theres nothing to worry about, and nothing to cry over, its going to be alright Tom, believe me, it'll get better." I could feel that lump in my throat forming as I saw my best friend literally biting back tears, and I didn't even know why. I could only guess why he was crying, and the things I was coming up with weren't exactly pleasant.

I tried for at least half an hour to get Tom responding in anyway, but he never did, he basically just ignored me, holding in tears. "okay, I'm going to leave you on your own for a while, alright? We'll be back up later, if you need us, we'll be downstairs. And if we're not, we're at one of our houses, so just phone us." I sighed, giving up. Tom never liked crying in front of anyone, and preferred to cry alone, so I figured that if we left him alone, he would let out his tears, feel better and finally say something. I got up and went downstairs, flopping onto Harrys lap, sighing. "no luck?" he asked, I shook my head. "didn't even look up from the wall, looks ready to cry too. And Danny before you even think about going up, I said we are going to leave him alone for a while, so we are going to leave him alone, alright? So he can cry, you know Tom hates crying in front of people, leave him alone for a while. We'll hear him moving about if he moves, so it'll be fine." I warned, seeing Danny start to stand up.

69 Toms POV

The minute I heard the footsteps on the stairs stop, I started to cry, feeling so annoying and d*mn pathetic. All it took was a friend being kind to me to start me crying, this wasn't fair, and it wasn't fun either. I thought I was going to be left alone now, not have people coming round and trying to talk to me, like I was actually wanted still. I knew I wasn't wanted, it was obvious, and I hated myself for not having the strength to get my fat arse off the floor and getting out of here.

Tears were silently rolling down my face, blurring my vision so much I couldn't even see the pictures all over the wall. The wall in front of me was covered in pictures of us, during what I had thought was the happiest years of our lives, turns out they were the happiest years of my life. Everyone was just pretending for my sake, just like they were now, I should just get out of here now, save some time for everyone else. There was a window in here, I could easily climb out of it, but that would have meant jumping off and probably killing myself. There would be no point in that, someone would have to clean up what was left of me off the pavement, and I didn't want to scare the neighbours, cause them unnecessary fright.

I wanted to get out of the house, but I knew, deep down, I wasn't going to manage it, someone would catch me before I got anywhere. And I didn't want anyone to have to struggle with me while I begged to be let go of, or have to touch me anymore. No-one should have to touch me, talk to me, and generally have to think about me, I wasn't worth it, I was just...there. All I ever did was make people pretend to like me, because they felt sorry for me, because I was pathetic. I must give off 'help me, I'm hopeless' vibes or something, because all people ever did was look after me when I didn't need it. I didn't need to be looked after, cared for, I would be happy enough on my own, like I was now. Everyone just needed to back off, I wasn't some fragile little baby, I was a 26 year old man, who could look after himself.

I cried for over an hour before someone remembered I was up here. This time, it was Danny who came up, asking if I was feeling alright now. 'of course, I'm fan-f*cking-tastic, I'm not crying or anything, because your too kind for your own good' was the reply I wanted to say, but I refused to let my mouth work. What was the point of talking anymore? Whatever I said was going to be argued with, and I was going to be told complete lies, there was just no point anymore. "Tom, you can answer me, I'm here if and when you need to talk. Come on, just say hi, or something, please. I'm worried about you, no-one should be on their own, and after being on your own for a year, you need some company. Surely you need to talk about something?" Danny pleaded, my heart was screaming to me to say 'I love you, I've missed you, please tell me you haven't ever lied when you said you loved me' while my head was screaming back to keep my big mouth shut, he'll go away soon. As long as I stayed silent, he would go away and leave me alone, and maybe go have some fun, like any other 26 year old.

"you don't have to tell me anything about this past year, you can tell me about Star Wars again...or Back To The Future, or the latest Disney movie. You've missed a few of them now, and I've bought all of the DVDs for you, so you can catch up with them. We can talk about that too, we can talk about anything, anything at all. So, out with it, Disney movies!" Danny smiled, I think, I couldn't even look at him. I felt so guilty for making him sit here, trying to force a conversation that would bore him to death. It was all I ever talked about before, Star Wars, Disney, Back To The Future and Harry Potter, with occasional discussions about space, none of which he was interested in. He was never interested in any of them, but listened anyway, for me, and then went out and bought the films I missed, so I didn't even have to wait for them. Here we go again, I wanted to cry again, cry and scream and cut my arms to shreds, punish myself for doing this to him all this time. "okay, not any of those then...it was your birthday a few months ago, and I got you a present, do you want it? Cause I can bring it round tomorrow, its all wrapped up and everything, even though you already know what it is. We can have a celebration, like we usually do, and it can be any theme you want, including Christmas, we'll put the tree up and everything!" Danny suggested, seriously, was he trying to make me feel guilty?!

The guilt got worse, and I wanted to tear myself apart for making him waste his day on me on a day that really should not have been worried about. What would have made me happy was if he just went away and spent some time with his real lovers, not me, who didn't deserve any of his time. I didn't even deserve being looked at by Danny, who was special, in so many ways, let alone have him waste his time and money on me. How the hell he was still here and trying with me was nothing less than a miracle, because I must have been annoying him by now, if not getting him really angry. I just wished he would show his real feelings instead, and not trying to make me happy all the time, like I said, he was way too nice to be with me, and deserved the best.


	36. Chapter 36

**evilneevil - :(**

**xxPUDDxx - always got to have a bit of Pudd to lighten up the place xD**

70 Dannys POV

I tried to get a reaction from Tom for over 2 hours, and got squat, absolutely squat. Tom just ignored me, biting a hole through his lip, scratching his arm. "no, don't scratch your arm, please, don't scratch! Its bad to scratch, really bad to scratch. You'll never heal if you scratch the scabs off." I reached out to pull his hands away, then thought the better of it, falling back onto my bum and sitting down properly. I was not making the same mistake twice, I was going to stay with Tom this time, all night if I had to, it would be worth it to hear his voice, or see some sort of reaction that wasn't scratching his arm.

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes, where I heard Harry shout out that him and Dougie were going home, there was dinner ready if we wanted it, and the door close. "so, erm, you wanna go eat?" I asked, feeling so awkward it was unbelievable. I had never been awkward around Tom, well, I had been when we first met, but after years of friendship, and after being lovers for 4 of them, I was sure that we would never be awkward with each other. Of course, I didn't get an answer, and I could actually feel my heart slowly breaking because of it. I hadn't thought that seeing Tom sit, curled in a ball in a corner, staring at some point and not moving would hurt so much. Having him back shouldn't have hurt this much, it was like he was still gone, but his body was around just to torture me some more.

"I don't care if you don't respond, I'm bringing you your dinner anyway, its your choice whether or not you eat it." I tried to use a warning tone, it didn't work, I cared too much for the blonde to even pretend to be angry with him. Trying not to think about it, I ran downstairs, grabbing the dinner that had been prepared for us, carefully trying to run back upstairs again without dropping it. The rice wasn't exactly warm, but it was better than nothing, and it didn't taste too bad. "Tom, come on, eat something, its been 36 hours since you last ate! And that isn't healthy, especially when your still weak from not eating for such a long time! Its just rice, its not going to hurt to eat it!" I encouraged, wanting to see Tom eat something, I would feel better if I saw him eat something, hell I would be ecstatic to see him move!

I encouraged him for another 10 minutes and gave up, calling it a night, seeing this would soon become a pattern. "okay, well, I'm going to go to bed now, its getting late. Your should get to bed yourself, its been a long day." I sighed, getting up. Tom ignored me again, and let me go. "Tom, if your staying up, eat something, if not, go to bed, don't just sit there. You'll waste away if you do that." I sighed again, bending down in front of him and kissing his forehead, hearing him whimper, before I left, wishing him a good night.

71 Harrys POV

In the morning, when I woke up, Dougie was curled up in my arms, head resting on my chest. His left hand was curled around my shoulder, his right holding the shirt he was wearing. It was Toms, and he had taken it from the collection of clothes Tom had at Dannys, and he wore it every night now, and said he would until Tom was talking and happy again. In a way, I found it quite sweet, that he was wearing his best friends shirt, so he felt close to him, and was refusing to sleep the night without it. But in another way, it broke my heart, to see him so desperate for Tom that he was now wearing his shirt just to feel close.

I sighed loudly and ran a hand through his dirty blonde hair, thanking god he hadn't done something similar to Tom, and didn't want to run away from me. He was happy, and I was so glad he would talk to me when he thought something was wrong. "don't ever do a Tom, don't you dare." I whispered, trying not to wake him, squeezing him close. "huh? Of course I won't! I won't ever run off." Dougie mumbled, half asleep, nuzzling into my neck. "good, cause you'll break my heart if you do." I kissed his shoulder and wrapped him into my arms, making sure he felt loved.

"I wouldn't ever run off, or ignore you, I love you too much for that. And don't you ever do that to me either, cause I'll end up worse than Danny." Dougie warned, hand tightening on my shoulder. "I wouldn't ever do that Dougs, I promise. Why would I ever leave you anyway? I love you, with everything, why would I want to run away?" I tightened my grip on him slightly, trying to get my point across that I loved him, and wouldn't ever run away for whatever reason.

Finally, we decided to get up, going round to Toms, seeing that the door was unlocked. "sh*t." Dougie whispered, before he ran off, checking downstairs. I ran upstairs, hoping to god Danny had just turned up early, not left the door unlocked the night before. "Tom? Tom, are you here?" I called out, checking every cupboard and room possible, finally finding him in his music room. Tom was on the floor, curled in on himself, fast asleep. At first I thought it was pretty cute, but then I saw the tear tracks drying on his face, and my heart broke.


	37. Chapter 37

**xxPUDDxx - thank you! :D**

**evilneevil - i'm sorry that its seeming repetitive, but i promise that soon things start to pick up soon! its honestly not going to be this the whole way through, i'm just trying to show that Tom is ill, and he isn't ready for whats to come :)**

72 Dougies POV

I eventually found Tom in his music room, seeing Harry had already found him, and had put a blanket over the blondes sleeping form. "Tom, why arent you in bed? The floor isn't a good place to sleep." I sighed to myself, gently lifting his head and putting a pillow underneath. "I guess he didn't move after Danny left, where is he anyway? I would have thought he would have been round by now." Harry asked, I shrugged. "no idea, maybe he's sleeping in for a while. You know, tiredness getting the better of him." I suggested, not really knowing where Danny was.

"probably, we'll go get him later if he doesn't come along soon." Harry agreed, putting an arm around me for a hug. "yeah, but now what? Should we take him to bed, or leave him here?" I sighed again, staring at Tom, like he would have the answer. "leave him here, last time we took him to bed he cried, so, leave him here." Harry answered, leaning his head against my own. "good point...is it bad I think he looks so cute right now?" I really did think that Tom looked quite cute right now, like a small child, wrapped up in his Disney blanket. It reminded me of before he ran off, when he would fall asleep on his sofa, or on his comfy chair in the cinema room. Finding him like that would never not be cute, it would always be cute.

"no, Tom always looks adorable when he sleeps, and he always will, your not the only one thinking it." A Bolton accent came in, and we turned to see Danny standing in the door way. "hey, you alright, you look tired." Harry greeted him, as he came in and sat down, fiddling with his long sleeves. "yeah, I'm alright, I just had a late night last night. Spent most of the night awake, worried over Tommy." Danny explained, glancing at the abnormally thin and frail looking blonde. "why?" I asked, not sure I really wanted to know. "cause he didn't even respond to me, at all. I barely even got a blink out of him, let alone anything else. Tom didn't even eat his dinner...oh wait, he has now. Thats good, at least he's eaten." Danny smiled a little, showing us the two empty bowls on the floor.

"told you he would eat in time, didn't I? Just give him a while longer and he'll come back to us, it'll be fine soon." Harry encouraged with a smile, making us both smile some more. "yeah, hopefully he'll be normal soon." Danny sighed, fiddling with the blanket, making sure only Toms head was sticking out of it.

73 Toms POV

The next few days went along in a similar sort of way, I mostly practised playing guitar and piano, and when I was alone, I sang too. To be honest, I sounded terrible, and I hated sounding that awful, Marvin could screech in a more appealing tone than I could sing in. I tried my hardest to improve, but my voice just wasn't having it, it still sounded horrible and out of tune.

In the end, I gave up, and just focused on guitar work, improving my playing skills until I was chord perfect. I retaught myself how to play every song from all of our albums, including all the unreleased songs. "hey, you still playing in here? Your fingers are going to start bleeding!" Danny laughed, sitting in front of me, grabbing another guitar and tuning it absentmindedly. I looked at my fingers, finding that they were actually bleeding, all 10 of them were bleeding from overuse, getting blood all over my strings. "sh*t, you are bleeding, give me a minute, I'll go get you some plasters and something to clean your strings. Then you're taking a break!" Danny jumped up again, running off downstairs to get the stuff he said he would.

While he was gone, I tried to wipe the blood away with my sleeve, only spreading it even more, making me want to cry. This blood was ruining my guitar, marking it almost permanently, how could I use it now? People would see the blood! My fingers were making it even worse, adding more to the mess already there. "back! Give it to me and you can sort out your fingers." Danny took the guitar away from me, setting about cleaning the strings while I tried to clean up my fingers.

It took me ages, but I eventually managed to get the bleeding to stop, and plastered up my fingers, thankful I was experienced in stopping the blood. My arm was now covered in fresh cuts, hidden by a bandage and a long sleeve, no-one knew about them yet. I was planning on not showing anyone my arm, so I wasn't committed, or treated like a fragile little baby, who needed to be kept from sharp objects. "sorted? Good, I finished your guitar! Look, all clean again! Now, come with me, we're going to watch a film, and your watching with us. I'm not taking no for an answer either, and I will pull you down there if I have to!" Danny had a warning tone under his usual jokey one, warning me to go with him or else. He held his hand out for me to take, but I refused it, getting up by myself, going downstairs with him for the first time in over a year.

It was unnerving to be with everyone again, to be in the cinema room with everyone, the lights dimmed, film ready and waiting to be put on. "oh my god, he surfaces from practising!" Dougie joked, and it stung to be laughed at, like it was funny that I was a sh*t musician, and didn't deserve to be here. "I know, right? I forced you down here, didn't I? Cause you've managed to cut your fingers from playing too much!" Danny laughed too, falling onto the comfy chair, patting the spot on his lap for me to take. I refused and sat on the floor instead, making myself comfy by the wall, almost hidden behind the chair Danny was on, so it seemed like I wasn't there still.

I heard a sigh, but nothing more was said on the matter and the film started, it was Shutter Island, which meant a complete and utter mind mess up, that had to be explained to Danny and Dougie by Harry 4 times. Usually it was me who explained it, but seeing as I wasn't exactly wanted anymore, I was ignored, and Harry took over my usual role. He did it better than me anyway, managing to make the youngest two understand what was going on, and why everything happened. Again, I wanted to cry, I couldn't even explain a film to anyone without someone being able to do it better than me. There was nothing I could do that someone else couldn't do better, everyone was better at everything. It made me even more depressed, and it wound me up that I was actually getting depressed over this, I should have been used to this by now, why wasn't I used to this already?!


	38. Chapter 38

**xxPUDDxx - i get it too sometimes, it is the worst feeling in the world :/ and thank you! **

**evilneevil - well, we'll have to see if Tom gets any better any time soon. but please, if you feel that it is getting far too repetitive, please tell me! i'll try and fix it to make it more interesting.**

74 Dannys POV

The reason why I pretended that I still had no idea what was happening in the film was because I was hoping Tom was going to jump in and tell me what was happening, in the special way he always explained complex movies to me. In other words, in that sweet, but slightly nerdy, way that made me want to just squeeze him for being too cute. No such thing happened, Tom still stayed in his little depressed zone he had put himself into. Even though he was right next to me, he still managed to seem completely isolated from everyone, almost surrounded by invisible walls that screamed 'stay away'

I tried to fix this by letting my hand 'fall' over the side of the chair, keeping it dangling for a while, then tried to find Toms head. When I found it, I gently stroked his hair, like I would have normally, a simple gesture to say 'I love you'. My GOD his hair was amazing still, soft and wheat like, still as browny/blonde as ever. Did I forget to mention I had a thing for Toms hair, and eyes, and skin, and hands, and...okay, everything about him. But my momentary bliss was shattered as Tom moved away from my hand, so I couldn't reach him anymore, I felt cold the second he did it. I had never had Tom push me away or move away from me while I stroked his hair, or something similar, the feeling was awful, and I hated it.

I needed Tom back, so I could hold him and kiss him and love him the way he deserved. I guess he really did hate me for being such a bad boyfriend last time, and wasn't going to easily let me be his boyfriend again, I was going to have to fight for him. And if he wanted me to fight for him, then I would fight tooth and nail for him, I would do anything to get his affection and love back.

"hey Dan, we're going to get some popcorn, wanna sort out another film?" Harry made me leap feet, giving me that look that meant he wanted me to get Tom to interact a little. "yeah, alright then, make me some too!" I smiled a little, waiting for the boys to go out before getting up. "hey, you going to help me choose? Theres too many DVDs to chose from!" I tried to joke, holding my hand out for him again. Tom just looked at me, wide-eyed and scared, maybe even shaking a little. "come on, come help me choose! You know I don't bite, and I'm not going to do anything to you, just come up and help me!" I tried again, coming over and kneeling in front of him.

"come on Tom, help me choose a DVD, so we can watch together. And maybe this time you can sit on the sofa, with us, not hide away in the corner like usual." I gently ran two fingers down his cheek, watching him whimper and turn his head away. "baby, come on, don't look away, just come with me, it'll be fine." I encouraged, trying to grab his hand, failing as he just crossed his arms against his chest.

75 Toms POV

Eventually, Danny got me to stand with him and choose a DVD, well, he chose, I just stood there, staring at my tattooed feet. I didn't want to make the wrong choice and force everyone to watch something they didn't want to watch, god knows how many times I had actually done that over the years, forcing Danny to watch Star Wars marathons with me, just because it was May the 4th. "so, we're down to The Matrix and Pirates Of The Caribbean, which one do you want?" Danny asked, holding the films in front of me. I shrugged, knowing I had to answer in some way, or he was going to get angry. And if he got angry, eventually, I would be kicked out, and to be honest, I quite liked living in my house, it was comfier than my car.

"Tom, come on, give me an answer, its your choice as well as mine." Danny encouraged, trying to wrap me in a hug, I stepped back. I wanted to be hugged, so bad, but I knew he wouldn't enjoy it, and he was only offering to hug me because he was trying to pretend to be my boyfriend. I wished he would be honest with me, tell me that I was pathetic and he only wanted to be see me when he had to while we were working. The truth was going to hurt more the cutting did, but it was better than being lied to constantly, being lied to while knowing everything was a lie was probably the worst pain imaginable, and I hated it.

"Tommy, don't you want to watch these, we can watch something else if you want." Danny sounded heartbroken, he was a good actor when he wanted to be, so I didn't believe the tone at all, and tried to not let it affect me. Too late, I could feel myself want to cry again, the tears were there, ready to leak down my face and let everyone know I was breaking on the inside. "oh honey, don't cry! Please don't cry. What you crying for, huh?" Danny came closer, wiping away tears, wrapping his arms around me. I let him, really badly needing a hug right now, sobbing into his shoulder, gripping onto my shirt so I didn't hug him back and whimper that I needed him like I needed oxygen.

"oh baby, its okay, its okay, I'm here. Whats the matter? Whats happened?" Danny whispered, kissing my hair. My god he was perfect, actually managing hold me and not act disgusted or annoyed by my breakdown. And when I realised, I started to cry even more, wanting nothing more than for Danny to love me properly, so he could be my perfect boyfriend, that would hold me like this all the time, and not just be pretending. "I-I'm s-sorry." I choked out eventually, feeling so guilty for doing this to him, again.


	39. Chapter 39

**thank you both for commenting, but we'll have to see if Tom gets any better, mwhahahha! xD**

76 Dougies POV

I ran as soon as I heard crying, running into the cinema room to see Danny holding Tom as he cried into his shoulder. "hey, whats up?" I asked, running over to the boys, as Danny struggled to calm Tom down. "I don't know, Tommy, honey, come on, tell us whats wrong?" Danny sighed, threading his hand through Toms hair, rubbing his back. "aw baby, stop crying, please, stop crying. Its okay, your going to be okay." Danny carefully moved to sit down, making sure Tom was still firmly in his arms, I think he was trying so hard not to enjoy having him in his arms and focus on the fact that he was crying.

It took hours, but eventually Tom stopped crying, because he wore himself out. Now he was sitting in Dannys arms, looking so weak, and about to fall asleep, like a helpless child. "shh Tom, shhh. Go to sleep now, sleep it off. You'll feel better later, I promise." I whispered gently, not able to resist in the end and reached out and stroked his hair, in just the way he liked. Slowly, Toms eyelids dropped and he fell asleep, obviously exhausted. Wordlessly, Danny lifted him up, laying him on the comfy chair, pulling a blanket over Toms sleeping form.

"what the hell was that about?" Harry asked from behind me, squeezing my hands, somehow knowing I wanted to cry at Tom crying. It always broke my heart to see any of the guys cry, and that just broke my heart into pieces, to see Tom so upset and not even telling us what was up was awful. I never wanted to see that again, but I had a feeling that would be a regular occurrence for a while. "I don't know, I wish I knew." Danny sighed and bit his lip, stroking Toms hair a little. "he didn't say anything, at all?" Harry prompted, sitting down with me next to the chair. "he said he was sorry, and nothing else, its kinda worrying, I don't know what he's sorry for, or anything." Danny whispered, looking up at Tom with the most worried expression I had ever seen on him.

77 Harrys POV

"while he's sleeping, don't you think we should check for new...cuts?" I suggested slowly, wondering if Tom was still cutting while we weren't around. "good point, give me a minute." Danny sighed, took a deep breath in, and slowly rolled up Toms sleeve. Tom didn't present a reaction, luckily, and all we saw was the same pale arm we always saw, only slightly less well built and frail looking. "phew, that arms safe, but what about the other one?" Danny gulped again, rolling down his sleeve, and pulling up the other one.

We all breathed a sigh of relief to see that that arm was also clean, and all the other cuts had healed over, and could barely been seen anymore. "yes, he's not cutting anymore! Thats good, at least he's not going to really hurt himself with that." Danny smiled a little, relaxing a tiny bit. "check his legs." Dougie finally spoke up, still looking scared for his friend. So Danny did check Toms pale legs for cuts, and found none, and I felt Dougie relax too. "well at least the cutting has stopped. So, now what?" Danny sighed, fiddling with his fingers. "I think we should leave him, so he can sleep for a while longer, and maybe have some time to get his head on straight. I think he needs some time to himself to think, and adjust to being home, without us lot clattering about and disturbing him. We've been trying to get a reaction or something for a week and not really given him the chance to breathe." I suggested, knowing we hadn't really let Tom breathe since we had first seen him.

"but, I don't really want to leave him, he's on his own then, and he's spent too much time alone." Danny whimpered, grabbing Toms hand, that he fallen off his lap. "I know, but think about it, wouldn't you want some time to adjust back into living in the house again? We have barely left him alone, just give him some time, he'll come round soon." I stood up, keeping a solemn Dougie in my arms as he clung to me, still that scared little boy he always had been. He always reverted back into that 15 year old boy when one of us was sad, or something was wrong. I squeezed him tightly, silently telling him that it was okay, and everything would be okay in the end.

"fine, I'm leaving him a note, so he knows whats going on." Danny gave in, holding my hand as I led him out of the room. "wait, I'm going to put him in bed, so he won't get back ache." Danny doubled back, sneaking back into the cinema room, carefully picking Tom up and cradling him. "oh hell I have missed this." Danny took a minute, just cradled Tom in his arms and looked at his pale face. "you'll have him back soon Dan, I'm sure. Now get him into bed before he wakes up." I encouraged, smiling when Dannys face lit up as Tom cuddled into his chest a little. "aw, baby wants a cuddle!" Danny giggled, walking Tom to his room, reluctantly laying the boy down on the bed and tucking him in. He tried to walk off, but Toms hand was still holding onto his shirt. "you want my shirt as well? Okay, here it is." Danny took off his shirt, laying it over Tom, kissing him on the head gently. "right, lets go, lets leave him to sleep."


	40. Chapter 40

**xxPUDDxx thank you! :D**

78 Toms POV

When I woke up, I found I was tucked up in bed, with Dannys shirt over my shoulders. "huh? What the f*ck?" I muttered, sitting up and looking around the room, seeing no-one around. There was something white on the pillow next to my own, and I picked it up to see it was a bit of paper.

Tom,

We've realised that its tough for you to adjust to whats happening around you right now, because you haven't been here for a year. So, we've decided to let you have some time to yourself, so you can adjust a bit to being in your house again. We'll leave you for the rest of the day, and tomorrow, so you can try and adjust. We're sorry for not realising sooner and not letting your breathe for the past week. If you need us, call us, or just come round, we'll be in one of our houses, promise we won't go out without telling you.

Love, Danny, Harry and Dougie xxx

Ohh, p.s, the present on the bed, is your birthday present. I haven't given it to you yet, so I thought it would be good to give it to you now. I hope you like it! xxxxx

Now that I looked, there was a perfectly wrapped box on the end of my bed. It was wrapped in green wrapping paper (my favourite colour) with a large bow on top of it, with...Buzz Lightyear decorating the ribbon. 'Tommy, happy 26th baby! I love you, with everything, Rat Leg! The label read, and I inwardly cringed at 'Tommy' 'baby' and 'Rat Leg' god I hated it when he still thought he had to call me those nicknames, and use that nickname I always used for him.

But, slowly, I unwrapped the box, trying to get the paper as smooth as possible. Opening the lid, I found a small teddy bear, dressed in a Back To The Future tshirt. "aw, cute." I smiled a little, putting it on my lap. Then, I found a blanket, pulling it out, I saw it was the one from the picture Danny sent me on my birthday. "oh Danny." I sighed, pulling it out to see it properly. The design was of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker fighting with their Light sabers, the sabers clashing.

The sabers looked a little different to the rest of the material, and checking the label, I saw it said 'glow in the dark' oh wow, the sabers glowed in the dark! I had seen this before, in a shop, and had said I had wanted it before. Danny had actually gone out to get it for me, even though he didn't know if I had been coming back or not. He was so incredibly sweet, and my heart swelled inside my chest with love for the Boltoner, but it broke my heart at the same time. He shouldn't of had to waste his money on me, buy me presents, when I knew that he didn't love me.

"oh Danny, you stupid, stupid perfect man, why are you so d*mn perfect?" I whimpered, I couldn't believe how perfect he was to me. He was so nice, so perfect, it killed me, in 100 different ways. Sometimes I wished he wasn't so perfect, so I didn't end up wanting to cry and scream at him to stop torturing himself and leave me be. Why could he never just think of himself, and not have to think he had to look after my sorry a*se, and make me happy by pretending he loved me. Why couldn't I ever stop him from trying to make me happy? Why couldn't he just be like everyone else and give up? He was the most persistent person I had ever met in my life, I just wanted him to stop!

I had to go, I had to get out of here, so he could stop this, stop wasting his time and money. He had to get on with life, get on with his actual lovers, stop trying to make me smile, even when he wasn't in the house with me. Guilt was killing me, so I grabbed my bag, and the blanket, and the new teddy, packing them into a bigger, stronger bag. Whimpering, I ran down the stairs, checking that I wasn't about to leave anything important behind, and ran to the door, trying to open it up. Again the bl**dy thing was locked, and was impossible to open. No! Why wasn't it ever unlocked anymore? Why couldn't it be unlocked?! Crying, I ran to the back door, trying that one too, finding that again, it was locked, along with the windows.

"no, no, NO! Unlock the f*cking door! Why the hell do you want me locked in?!" I screamed, banging on the door, starting to cry hysterically again. I fell against the floor and cried for hours, unable to help it, feeling so trapped, like a caged animal.

79 Dannys POV

I spent the whole of the day just trying to see into Toms house, to see how he was doing, if he was actually cutting, or starving himself. In the end, I realised I wasn't going to be able to see anything, so I took the dogs for a walk. There was a field behind our houses so I usually walked them around that, so I did, and tried to see into Toms garden, to see if he was there. From what I could see, Tom was either still in bed, or in the other side of the house, where I couldn't see him.

Sighing, I tried to get the dogs to cheer me up, by playing fetch with them, it did nothing for me. I was still worried and stressed, scared beyond belief that Tom would manage to at least seriously hurt himself within the next 36 hours. The poor guy wasn't able to speak properly yet, I didn't know if this meant he was just unable to do anything. I hoped he was capable of being home alone for a day, and I hoped it sorted out his head, so he was fine again.

After half an hour of throwing the ball for the dogs, I called them over and decided to walk around the block instead, see into Toms front room instead. Again, there was nothing, he was nowhere to be seen, it worried me immensely, so I had to go and check to see if the doors were still locked. Luckily, they still were, so I forced myself away again, I had promised that I would let Tom be by himself for a day, so he could really adjust to the house again. I was going to keep that promise, even if it killed me. It was only 36 hours, I had gone a year without him, a day and a half was nothing compared to that, it was going to be fine...hopefully, as long as Tom remembered to eat and didn't find temptation by sharp objects.

I got home a while later and flopped onto my sofa, cuddling Brucie close, wishing it was Tom in my arms. "Tom will be fine, won't he Brucie? He'll be alright for a day, he can't harm himself that much." I whispered, knowing how easy it was to get carried away. Thats why I was wearing long sleeves, hiding the gashes I had caused myself over the past month. Somehow, I restrained myself to 1 cut, sometimes 2, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore the want to tear my skin open in punishment for being such a bad friend and causing all this.


	41. Chapter 41

**WARNING just a quick thing, this add could be triggering for some people. **

80 Toms POV

I spent an hour trying to get the doors or windows open, trying to find some keys, not finding a single set. The whole time, I was panicking and freaking out, tears streaming down my face, blurring my already bad vision. When I finally collapsed, out of energy, I was in the bathroom, curled in a ball and unable to even breathe without shuddering. My head smacked hard against the floor, and I remembered my punishment system.

Scrambling up, I grabbed a razor out of the cupboard, and the hidden towel I always used on my arms. I scrubbed off the makeup I had put on them, revealing my abused arms, filled with gashes and scratches. The blade pressed against my arm, releasing blood and my emotions, letting me feel calm again. Finally, I could breathe, and the tears calmed down a little bit. I was still hysterically crying, but not as bad as I had been.

I dropped the blade and laid down on the floor, watching the blood flow out of my arm, finding it calming to watch it. Why hadn't I discovered cutting sooner? I could have prevented so many tears and panic so many times with it, watching blood (and bad actions) run out of me was so therapeutic, I didn't even want to cry anymore. I really should have discovered this before, and not caused so many tears.

Flashback - 25th July 2006

I bit at my nails viciously as I sat on the tour bus bunk, hiding behind the curtain so people couldn't see that I was a nervous wreck. I didn't want to do this gig, I really, really didn't want to do this gig. Couldn't I just do it fully clothed and let the others strip? My body wasn't as good as the others, it was pale and horrible, all fat and no muscle.

"Tom? Tom? Where are you honey?" Dannys Bolton accent broke my angsting, "there you are! I was worried about you! What are you doing in here, huh?...your nervous for G.A.Y, arent you?" Danny read my mind like usual, and I was glad I didn't have to spell it out to my boyfriend. "yeah, a bit. I don't want to do it Dan! I'm scared, and, I don't want people to take the p*ss again." I sighed and looked away, not wanting to talk about what I was going to endure when we got to the club. "they won't take the p*ss Tom, and if they do, f*ck them. We love you, I love you so much, and thats all that should matter, okay? And before you even start, no, your not fat, no your chubby, no your not too skinny. Your perfect, your so perfect to me." Danny reached in and pulled me from my bunk, wrapping me into a hug that I really needed. "thank you, for being so understanding, I love you." I whispered, cuddling into his neck. "no problem honey, you'll be fine. I'll love you all the same, no matter what happens." Danny kissed my head, just as we arrived at the club.

I was fine before the show, mostly listening to Dannys reassuring for over 3 hours, letting him hold me for basically the whole time, not really caring right now if we got found out. Right now, I needed a hug, so I didn't burst into tears and cry until I passed out. Then, we actually had to go out there and do it, get naked, in front a whole load of people, who were clearly going to be staring at me.

The gig was a minor miracle, somehow I didn't mess up, or cry, or panic. Mostly because I had Danny smiling at me the whole time, telling me that it was okay, and I wasn't going to be teased mercilessly for not being as 'fit' as Danny, Harry and Dougie. Towards the end, I could feel myself starting to wobble, that wall I had build around myself starting to crumble, but I managed to keep my resolute until we got off stage. I practically ran to the dressing rooms, getting dressed in lightening time, before running off again, straight into the bus, falling into my bunk again and sobbing. Oh god, they had seen me, holy sh*t, they had seen me, and now all I was going to hear was 'the fat, pale one with the massive chin' all the time.

Suddenly, arms came around me and lifted me up again, and I found it was Danny again, a reassuring smile on his face. "need to hug and have a talk?" he asked, I nodded, clinging to him. And let me tell you, I wasn't let go of until the next morning, when I felt okay again.

Flashback end

I could have stopped that ever happening, I could have stopped him having to hold me for hours on end as I cried. If I had just known of this way of getting rid of everything, everything would have been okay, and Danny could have had a good nights sleep, or spent hours on end playing video games with Harry and Dougie. God I was thick, thicker than Danny was, for not realising before that he wouldn't have wanted me, I was disgusting after all, ugly and disgusting. He needed the best, and I certainly was not the best. It made me even more determined, to not get in his way again, to let him just get on with life with as little interference from me as possible.

81 Dannys POV

I squeezed Brucie close as I watched a home movie in my front room, cuddling into Toms hoodie I was wearing. It was technically both of ours, because the both of us wore it, but Tom was the last person to wear it, and it somehow still smelt of him, so it was still a comfort to me. The door knocked loudly, and I jumped feet, pausing the DVD and running to the door in case it was Tom. I doubted it, all the doors and windows were locked, and I had put the keys under the door mat, somewhere were Tom wouldn't usually look. I felt like evil for not putting the keys in an obvious place, but I really didn't want him to run away again, but I left him some keys so he could get out in an emergency.

Opening the door, I found Harry and Dougie, armed with ice cream and crisps. "let me guess, your moping in here on your own? We've come to cheer you up a bit, and remind you that its only for the day, we're back right away tomorrow, unless Tom needs more time." Harry explained, coming in and sitting himself on the sofa, Dougie falling effortlessly onto his lap. Jealousy rose up a little inside me, because that kind of relationship back, to have my Tom back in my arms, and kiss him until he felt okay again. I wanted to be able to stroke his hair, hold his hand, sit him down on my lap and tickle him until he squealed. I just missed my boyfriend, so much, it was actually probably better while he was still missing, at least then I wasn't being rejected while still being forced to look at his sad little face.

"right, we've brought ice cream and crisps, now pig out!" Dougie smiled opening a bag crisps and shoving a hand full into his mouth. "why? I'm not hungry." I sighed, stroking Ralphies fur as he came up to me, obviously wondering why his owner was so sad. "because stressed spelled backwards is desserts. And ice cream is dessert, so eat. You'll feel better." Dougie said, earning a small giggle from both me and Harry. "I'm not even going to ask how you know that." I rolled my eyes, getting the carton of Ben and Jerrys, eating a scoop, "if you get me fat, I'm going to do training on you." I joked a little, eating another scoop without really caring. I still did a little bit of training, it got out some emotions I couldn't write into songs or sing away, so I could easily work this off later. Plus, this was better than cutting to be honest, and made me feel a bit better.

"I know you will, but, your feeling better already, I think I'm fine." Dougie giggled again, bouncing on Harrys lap until he was comfy. "yeah, shut up you. I may be depressed, but it won't stop me kicking your a*se." I smirked, feeling a little better. "yeah, I'd like to see you try!" Harry laughed, keeping his arms firmly around Dougies waist, to stop him from jumping up and running rings around us both. Dougie may have been known for being lazy and slow, but he d*mn quick when he wanted to be.

In the end, Dougie ended up teasing me until I did jump on him and, with Harrys help, tickled him until he squealed. We were actually on the floor laughing, in a jumbled heap, with poor little Dougie at the bottom. "guys! Get off me! Your both too heavy!" Dougie shoved me off him a little, not doing anything to be honest. "aw, you love it really Butty, cause it means you get things like this." Harry giggled and lent in to kiss the dirty blonde, obviously not being refused in any way.


	42. Chapter 42

**sorry i didn't add yesterday, felt awful, but i'm feeling better now so here's the next add :)**

82 Dougies POV

I wound my hands into Harrys hair, keeping his face near my own. I had missed being able to kiss him like this, without really worrying. The back of my mind was still screaming 'Tom' at me, but he would surely be fine for a day by himself, if he was in trouble, he would phone, and he hadn't phoned, he was fine. "I love you." I whispered, earning a huge grin. "I love you too." Harry kissed me again, giving me a tickle. I squeaked and hit his arm, feeling so free and happy it was unbelievable.

"er guys, theres another guy in the room!" Danny broke us away from our moment, hugging his knees next to us, obviously having gotten up from our tangle. "sorry, to break your moment and everything, I usually wouldn't mind, its just...y'know. Everything with Tom right now, its... I'm a little jealous, thats all." Danny sighed, biting his lip. "its alright, its understandable really, we'll tone it down a bit." Harry sat up, pulling me with him. "Danny, do you want in over here?" I opened my arms for him, seeing how his bottom lip quivered. Danny nodded and stumbled into our arms, curling up in our arms.

"it'll be alright in the end Danny, you'll have Tom back like that. He won't stay the way he is for long, he'll warm up." Harry encouraged, squeezing the quivering brunette. "h-how do you know t-that?" Danny whimpered, writhing to get closer to us both. "what does Tom always say? Everything is okay in the end, if its not okay, its not the end." I smiled a little, remembering Tom saying that whenever something went wrong, and tweeting it multiple times. "yeah, and what do you always say back?" Harry joined in, stroking Dannys curly hair comfortingly. "everything should be okay at the start, if its not okay, its not the start." Danny finished, shakes calming a little. "so, everything will be okay in the end, and it'll be the start of having an even better relationship. One where you'll grow old together." I summed it up, noticing that Danny was wearing Toms jeans, and he had a key on his necklace.

"dude, whats with the key?" I nodded my head towards it, having noticed that the necklace he never took off. "its Toms key, the key I was going to give Tom when I asked him to move in with me." Danny explained, fiddling with the cord. "aw, you'll still be able to give him the key. Just wait for him to soften up a bit." I knew Danny would eventually give Tom the key, and probably make a big show out of it, like you would usually do with a proposal. "I know, its a waiting game now, isn't it? And selfish as it sounds, I don't want to wait, I just want Tom in my arms, as my boyfriend again, no matter how quiet and introverted he is. I just need him, so badly." Danny sighed, bottom lip quivering again. "we all need Tom, and we'll have him back. We'll just have to help him along a bit, so he can get better quicker." I knew it wasn't going to easy, but we would do it, for both Toms, and Dannys sake. They were two sides of a coin, incomplete without the other. "can you guys stay again tonight? I know I've asked this at least once a week for a year, but, I really want some comfort at night, and cause Toms not really here anymore, I can't help but want some comfort." Danny didn't look up from the key, nervously fiddling with it. "yeah, we'll stay tonight, don't worry about it." Harry nodded, making Danny smile a little.

83 Toms POV

I woke up in my music room again, having fallen asleep mid way through the night, after practising playing guitar and piano again. I had to be note perfect, had to be, everything had to be perfect. If I couldn't be perfect, or even good, at least my playing could be. My hands were aching from all the playing, but it was so worth it, just to be that perfect at playing.

Immediately, I looked around for any signs of anyone around, finding none, and I couldn't hear anyone moving about either, so I was still alone in the house. I quickly ran to get showered and cover up my exposed arm, not wanting someone to see if they decided to come round. I chose a baggy long sleeve black tshirt and some baggy jeans from my still packed backpack, and quickly dressed in them, covering the make-up covered wounds. Then I ran to get some breakfast, realising I was starving. Of course, that was a battle for me, trying to make it disgusting and as low-grade as I was. That meant toast so burnt it was almost charcoal, and soggy cereal that had been left in the milk too long. Though, that still felt a little too high standard for me, but unless I started eating from the bin, I couldn't think of anything else.

Having finished that sickening breakfast, I bolted back upstairs again, ignoring my stumbling, holing myself up in the music room again, playing for all I was worth. I made my fingers bleed again, but I didn't care, just cleaned up the guitar and plastered up my fingers and carried on. It was like preparation for a tour, only now I was actually just fighting to be able to have the right to stay in this band. If I proved myself, I could stay, I hopefully wouldn't be chucked out for being well, me.

The only time I stopped was when it got to about midnight, figuring I would annoy the neighbours with the music. It was a detached house, but I was sure they would be able to hear me playing, and I didn't want to get in the way of them having a good nights sleep. I ran back downstairs again, and deliberately overcooked my dinner, so again it was burnt, feeling sick the whole time I was eating it. I felt sick whenever I ate because whatever I was eating tasted disgusting, but I had to do it, I didn't deserve the nice things that tasted amazing like everyone else. I just had to suck this up and get on with it, act like it didn't bother me, I was sure I would be used to it soon.

I washed up my dishes and decided it was time for bed, curling up on the floor dining room, on the cold, hard tiles. I hadn't slept in my bed willingly once yet, not wanting to sleep in the special NASA bed I had, knowing I wasn't worth that either. I was used to sleeping on the streets and in my car, the tiles in the dining room were luxury compared to that. At least these tiles were dry and weren't bumpy like streets were, and they were warm enough I didn't need a duvet, just an extra jumper to keep me warm.

So I curled up on the floor, holding Mickey Mouse close to me, needing some sort of comforting thing to keep me safe from the monsters hiding in the dark. Falling asleep took seconds, and it was the best nights sleep I had had in weeks.


	43. Chapter 43

**xxPUDDxx - thank you so much! :D**

84 Dannys POV

The next morning, we were up and ready to go around to see Tom at 10. To give Tom some little more time to wake up and stuff, we walked all of our dogs, taking a quick look into Toms house, and see if we could see him. Again, we couldn't, so hurried to finish walking all 6 dogs, then ran around to see him. "Tom? Tom where are you?" I called out, looking around to see if Tom actually was downstairs. I had a vain hope to hear him call back to me, shouting something like 'in here Dan!' but of course, I didn't get it, so had to search for my Tom instead.

When I found him, he was sitting on the floor under the table in the front room, picking at his fingers. "hey, honey!" I smiled, crouching down in front of Tom, I noticed he had his lyric book on his lap, "what have you got there? Have you been drawing and writing again?" I asked, picking the book up, only to have it snatched back. "ah, is it not ready yet then? Alright, show me later, when its ready. So, what are you doing underneath the table, huh? It can't be comfy under there!" I joked, moving to sit down properly, sitting cross legged in front of the unresponsive blonde.

I persisted talking to Tom for the rest of the day, telling everything that popped into my head, trying to get an answer, or to get him out from under that table. "hey, I have an idea, how about we go do some band practise? Its been ages since we last had a practise, and I know you've been practising, but we haven't. We're probably a bit rusty." It was true, I hadn't picked up my guitar for about a month and a half, longer for Harry and Dougie. There we go, Tom moved, crawling out of his hiding place, following me upstairs with the married couple in front of us. I didn't dare to take us down to our studio down the road, terrified Tom would try to run off, it wouldn't be hard to catch him, but I didn't want him running at all.

It didn't take a minute to set up all the instruments in the music room, but I felt like something was missing. There was no laughter, no joking, not even people talking. We were silent, the only sound was of the guitar strings being plucked and Harry testing his drums, making sure they were all still in tune. "right, where are we going to start?" I broke the silence, plucking randomly at some strings on my guitar. "well, how about if we start with...Party Girl, its always our show opener." Harry suggested, sending me and Dougie a look, clearing saying 'Tom doesn't sing much in this, so he can slowly get used to singing again'. I agreed slowly, joining in playing when the time called for it, feeling a little better as the familiar song filled my ears.

But it was shattered by the time we had played the whole song through, because Tom hadn't even opened his mouth to sing once, he had just sat there and played. He had played it perfectly, but more than anything, I wanted to hear him sing, hear him sing and sound free, like he always did. Tom was always the happiest when he was singing, and performing in general, he had told me once he thought he was free as he sang, that singing was better than speaking. It killed me to think that in a way, by Tom not singing, he was locking himself into himself, keeping everything locked in, and eventually, he would explode.

85 Toms POV

I dutifully played every song with everyone else when they suggested it, managing to sound almost half as good as they did. But I still refused to sing, because I sounded awful when I sang, and I didn't want to be kicked out of the band, it was up to Dougie now to sing my parts. He never usually got the chance to sing much, so now it was his turn to take my spot and really start to shine. I knew he would love it, because I knew how much he loved singing Transylvania on stage.

"hey, I have this new song, do you guys wanna hear it?" Danny asked, getting agreements from the others. He quickly grabbed his acoustic guitar and his lyric book (how was that in my music room and not his?!), and he played the song quietly, like he meant to only play it for Harry and Dougie, not me, who was sat in the corner, tucked between the desk and the keyboard.

I can be tough  
I can be strong  
But with you, it's not like that at all  
There's a boy  
That gives a sh*t  
Behind this wall  
You just walk through it

And I remember all those crazy things ya said  
You left them running through my head  
You're always there  
You're everywhere  
But right now I wish you were here  
All those crazy things we did  
Didn't think about it, just went with it  
You're always there  
You're everywhere  
But right now I wish you were here

Damn  
Damn  
Damn  
What I'd do to have you here, here, here.  
(I wish you were here)  
Damn  
Damn  
Damn  
What I'd do to have you near, near, near  
(I wish you were here)

I love the way you are  
It's who I am  
Don't have to try hard  
We always say  
Say it like it is  
And the truth  
Is that I really miss

All those crazy things ya said  
You left them running through my head  
You're always there  
You're everywhere  
But right now I wish you were here  
All those crazy things we did  
Didn't think about it, just went with it  
You're always there  
You're everywhere  
But right now I wish you were here

Damn  
Damn  
Damn  
What I'd do to have you here, here, here.  
(I wish you were here)  
Damn  
Damn  
Damn  
What I'd do to have you near, near, near  
(I wish you were here)

No, I don't want to let go  
I just wanna let you know  
That I never wanna let go  
Let go (repeats)

Damn  
Damn  
Damn  
What I'd do to have you here, here, here.  
(I wish you were here)  
Damn  
Damn  
Damn  
What I'd do to have you near, near, near  
(I wish you were here)

Damn  
Damn  
Damn  
What I'd do to have you here, here, here.  
(I wish you were here)  
Damn  
Damn  
Damn  
What I'd do to have you near, near, near  
(I wish you were here)

"I have a few others that I've written, but at the moment, I'm keeping them to myself for a while longer. They're not ready yet, and I can't think of anything else to write for them." Danny shrugged after finishing playing and getting back the well deserved praise from Harry and Dougie. "well, why don't you ask Tom to help you out a little? I'm sure he'll come up with a few ideas." Harry gave Danny a look that I couldn't quite decipher. "good point, hey Tom, wanna kick these two out and get some writing done?" Danny turned to me, I just carried on sitting there. I didn't really mind, I would have loved to spend some time with Danny, doing something we both enjoyed, so I could fool myself into believing it was just like old times. But I didn't want to ruin his lyrics and make them turn out depressing and awful, maybe I could just give him a few ideas?

"I'm taking that as a yes, right you two out! And no coming back until morning!" Danny winked at them, shoving the boys quickly out of the door, slamming it loudly behind him. "right, lets get started, shall we?" he grinned, and it warmed my heart a little.

**song credit has to be given to Avril Lavigne, as its hers, and its called Wish You Were Here.**


	44. Chapter 44

**HelR - yeah, maybe!**

**xxPUDDxx - thats alright! i've just gotten out of exam hell myself so i completely understand! good luck!**

**evilneevil - haha! well, he may not be getting better for long xD**

86 Dannys POV

I spent a few hours with Tom, tweaking a song a little, letting him go through the song, change a few lyrics, write it all out neatly. Still, he never said a word, but at least he was moving, and interacting in his own special little way. It made me feel a little better, I didn't feel bad like I usually did, like I needed to punish myself for not trying harder with Tom. At the moment I was trying with him, and it was working, so it made me feel so much better.

Now we almost had a whole song, and were only missing a few lines. I had had most of it already, and had been just missing about half of each verse, and with Toms help, he had finished most of it, swapped a few lines around, and made it sound amazing. Before I knew it, it was 1am in the morning and we were still writing, silently communicating through the music. "dude! Its 1am!" I made Tom leap feet, breaking his concentration, "sorry, but I think its time we went to bed and gave it a break. We've been awake for god knows how long, we'll pick it up in the morning, we've only got a few more lines to do!" I yawned loudly, watching Tom yawn too.

"can I stay here tonight? I don't really fancy running down the road back to mine, or waking up the dogs and setting them all off barking." I asked, risking it, but I wanted to stay here tonight, just out of curiosity over what Tom did at night, and just to feel a little like it was old times again, even if I couldn't sleep in his bed. Tom nodded slowly and got up, walking along behind me until he reached his room, I stopped too, out of habit, grabbing the handle at the same time. I gasped as our fingers touched, feeling his skin on my own, just for a second, was a heavenly feeling. It took every part of me to not grab his hand back and pull his body into my own, just for my own pleasure, to reassure myself that everything was okay.

"I er, I'll just, stay in the spare room, leave you to it, night!" I stuttered, unable to even think straight now. I didn't want it to be more awkward, so I didn't dare go and share a bed with Tom, I ended up almost running down the hall way, throwing the door closed. That hurt, so much, I wanted to run back and apologise, jump into Toms arms, curl up to his weak body and kiss him goodnight, hold him as he slept and keep him safe. I never wanted to run away from Tom, ever, I wanted to run towards him and hold him in my arms forever. I didn't mean to run away, I just, couldn't take that accidental finger bump, it sparked way too many images in my head, from when we were happier, when I could just randomly hold his hand, pull him in for a goodnight kiss and cuddle with him until the sun rose.

Now I felt so guilty for just leaving him there, so I waited until I was sure Tom was asleep, and crept back into his room, finding the poor boy on the floor. It was obvious he had curled up on the floor and had cried himself to sleep, there was a damp patch on the carpet next to his face and there were still tears drying on his porcelain cheeks. "oh you poor little guy, I'm sorry, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to do that to you, my head isn't exactly on straight either at the moment." I whispered, pulling my sleeve down, hiding the uncovered gashes on my right arm. Carefully, I picked him up, biting my lip as my arm stung like hell, making me want to cry out in pain. But it was worth it, to have my little one in my arms, just for a few minutes, just him being there was enough to stop me from crying out. "I'm sorry honey, for being stupid like that, it won't happen again." I sighed, giving up and laying him on the bed, tucking him in and trying to decide whether or not I got in. I decided with not, because I would cuddle him, and if I cuddled Tom, he would probably feel the cuts on my arm, and I was trying to avoid that. I was fine, really, I just had a few issues I was sorting out.

So, knocking that out of my head, I grabbed a pillow and a duvet, laying on the floor, watching Tom sleep peacefully until I joined him in the land of dreams.

87 Harrys POV

I quickly crept along the corridor, grabbing my drum kits symbol, creeping back into the bedroom, where there was still a sleeping Dougie. I smiled when I saw that he was still laying in the same position I had left him in, like he was still curled up in my arms, the sheets resting low on his hips. Slowly, I crept over to him and counted to three in my head, hitting the symbol right next to his ear. Dougie screamed and leapt away from the noise and fell off the bed, making me crack up laughing.

"Harry! I hate you, I was sleeping!" Dougie cried, leaping off the bed and onto me, knocking us both over while I was still breathlessly laughing! "s-sorry! I had to! Y-you were wide open!" I laughed out, crying a little, grinning at his pouted face. It soon cracked into a smile and he tried to attack me, but I pinned him underneath me, tickling his skinny torso until he squealed. "HARRYYYYY no! It hurts!" Dougie screamed, uselessly pushing at my shoulders, kicking his little legs. "say your sorry for trying to beat me up!" I teased, my fingers never stopping the tickling. "sorry! I'm sorry! Now stop! I'm gunna throw up!" Dougie shouted, and I stopped, mostly for the throwing up bit.

I let Dougie calm down and cuddled up to him again, like we weren't laying on the floor and hadn't just had laughing fits. "I didn't mean it when I said I hated you by the way." Dougie broke the quiet, stroking my hair gently. "I know." I whispered, moving a little so my head was properly pillowed on his chest. "good, cause I love you really." Dougie smiled, for the first time in ages. My heart exploded inside my chest and I had to kiss him, making him grin so widely his eyes disappeared again. "I love you too Dougie-no-eyes." I teased, receiving a punch to my arm. "I may have small eyes, but that doesn't mean I can't smack you one!" Dougie threatened playfully. "oh really? Well, I would prefer it if you kissed me instead." I brought his chin up and kissed him, taking this opportunity to actually be a husband, not just caretaker to Tom and Danny.

I had missed mornings like this so much, and I wished for this to carry on for another couple of hours, where we could just be Harry and Dougie, the married couple. Its all I asked for, for just a while longer of this calm, this happiness, without worrying about the other too. Danny may have hidden it, but Tom acting like a zombie that only responded to music was killing him, and I wouldn't have been surprised if he lashed out soon, breaking something, or someone.


	45. Chapter 45

**this is has just hit 100 reviews! thank you all so much! this means so much to me, thank you! :D**

88 Dougies POV

Begrudgingly, in the end, we got up, got dressed, and went round to Toms, expecting that Danny was already there. I was right, Danny was fast asleep on the floor next to Toms bed, while Tom was lying on the bed, tucked up in his duvet. "wake Danny up first okay?" Harry whispered, bending down and shaking Danny awake. "ugh Tom, go away, I need 5 minutes more!" Danny grumbled, nuzzling into his pillow. "its not Tom, its Harry and Dougie, its time to wake up! You need to shower, and change, and have breakfast! Now Toms sleeping still, so get up and dressed then wake him up, okay?" I sighed, helping him to stand up.

"fine, ouch, my back hurts." Danny grumbled, stumbling into the wardrobe, coming out with Toms jeans and his own shirt. As Danny showered, me and Harry ran downstairs and got breakfast ready, the toast got a bit burnt, but never mind, it was still edible. Danny was obviously down first, his hair still damp and unstyled, eating his breakfast while telling us what happened last night. "did he say anything, at all?" I asked, playing with a bit of the toasts crust I had left. "no, stayed silent the whole time, as usual. But, he did help me get some more of the song written, we're only a few lines off before its finished, so that'll be good." Danny explained, half smiling around his mouthful of weetabix.

Before we could say anything else, there was a knock on the door, and getting to answer it, we found that it was Fletch. "dude, what the hell are you doing here?" Harry asked, letting him in anyway. "I need to talk to the four of you, because we need to get back to normallacy now that Toms back. Where is he by the way?" Fletch explained, obviously noticing the lack of the tall blonde in the room. "upstairs, sleeping. Please don't wake him up though, he's tired!" Danny explained, taking on a pleading tone at the end. "fine, I'll talk to you lot first, then go talk to him, alright? First though, how is he?" Fletch seemed to turn a bit more concerned now, he had been just as worried about Tom as we had been. "bad, he's really bad at the moment. He won't talk, he won't eat when we're around, he's almost unresponsive. We know he's cut before, but that seems to have healed up and there isn't any new cuts anywhere. He's almost a zombie Fletch, a zombie that basically just plays guitar and piano all day." Harry explained, squeezing both me and Danny close.

"really? Sh*t, that isn't good, didn't the shrink at the hospital say anything?" Fletch swore, we shook our heads. "he's got anti-depressants, but they don't seem to be working. The hospital have just sort of, left us to sort it out ourselves." Danny sighed, looking like he was the one in need of anti-depressants. 101 questions later and Fletched seemed to have a better idea of what was going on around here, then decided to talk to Tom himself. "I want to speak to him on my own, if you wouldn't mind. I want Tom to actually answer me, without you lot answering for him, alright?" Fletched stopped us outside Toms door, and we tried protesting, but Fletch was having none of it. "no arguing boys, I really think that I should talk to Tom on my own, so I can get his side of this myself, it was him who ran away, so I think I should be able to talk to him, don't you?" Fletch had a point, so we backed down and let him in to see Tom, trying to listen in by the door, getting nothing.

89 Toms POV

I groaned loudly as I felt someone shake my shoulder. It wasn't Danny, I could tell, the hands weren't big enough, and they were smaller than Harrys, then it had to be Dougie. "come on Tom, I need to talk to you right now." Fletch surprised me by speaking, I half opened my eyes to see a blurry image of our manager on his own in my dark room. "hey, morning sunshine! God I've missed seeing your face." Fletch reached over and hugged me tightly, I whimpered slightly, but gave him a one (unscarred) arm hug back.

I knew I had to be normal around Fletch, so he would think I was okay to return to being in the band again, I didn't want to delay us getting back on the road again. It was the only happiness I could offer to everyone. "h-hey." I whispered bravely, hearing how croaky I sounded. I was going to have to fix that it seemed, luckily it just seemed I was croaky cause I had only just woken up. "hey Tom, I've missed you mate. So, your alright now?" Fletch asked, letting me go so I could sit up properly in bed, still wrapped in my covers. I nodded a little, looking towards his face but avoiding eye contact. "good, cause the guys have said that you're shutting everyone out and not speaking or eating much." Fletch gave me that look, the one he always gave us when we wouldn't tell him the truth about something we had done. "no, I'm fine. Really, I am." I denied, trying to give me a smile, to show him I was alright, I didn't quite manage it. "hm, and why would they lie?" Fletch had a point.

"they're just trying to make sure I'm alright and well rested, before we're back to interviews and the old life again. I'm really fine, and perfectly ready to get back to McFLY whenever you see fit." I lied, I really wanted to have a little while longer, to perfect everything, make sure I was the best musician I could possibly be. "that sounds like Danny, always making sure you're alright before everyone else. Well, I think your about ready to get back to band duties again, I'll sort out some interviews and photo shoots for after Christmas, I'll start slow with you lot, alright? Ease yourselves back again after a probably traumatic year for the lot of you, am I right?" Fletch gave me a smile, and I nodded, faking agreement, it wasn't traumatic, just stressful, "right, good, I'll set that up for you." Fletch patted my shoulder, advising me to get back to twitter and maybe do a webchat to let people know I was still alive.

And thats exactly what I did, I tweeted a few times during the day, saying hi and sorry for running off like I had, getting millions of tweets back demanding to know where I had been. I apologised and told the fans about my webchat later, and everything would be explained then. Danny, Harry and Dougie just let me do it too, like they knew it was the right thing to do. So, as soon as they left me that night, I tried to make myself look normal, despite my long hair that seriously needed cutting. I ended up putting on my normal beany hat and tucking it up inside it, my hair was actually longer than Dougies, which to be honest, was getting so long only his headband could keep it under control. Now, it was time to actually do this webchat and apologise for disappointing everyone in my stupid actions, even though I regretted nothing.

The hardest part was actually pressing 'go live', I was terrified of this, what was I going to say and not mess everything up?! Or let slip about anything that was happening around here. I was suddenly glad that I was a good liar when I had to be. Eventually, I pressed the button, and bit the metaphorical bullet. "hey, can everyone see and hear me?" I asked, waving awkwardly. I got over 100 confirmation messages within 30 seconds, here were go then...

"I just came to say hi, and sorry for doing what I did. I really shouldn't have done it, and I realise that now. I shouldn't have run away like I did, and left everyone so suddenly, its all my fault, and I'm glad to be back and to have had some sense knocked back into my brain." I started, taking deep breaths to keep calm. "I can only hope you'll try to forgive me for doing this to you all, but I wasn't in my right mind, and it felt like the right thing to do at the time. I am so sorry, and it won't ever happen again. We'll be starting up as a band again after Christmas, if you're still interested in us." I apologised, reading the messages popping up on the message side of the screen. Things like 'its okay Tom, we forgive you' and 'you're back, thats all that matters, we'll love you forever' were coming up on my screen, and it made me feel a little happier, at least I hadn't messed everything up, we still had a few fans.


	46. Chapter 46

**feeling a bit ill again today so its a quick add! but thank you both for the comments! **

90 Dannys POV

I watched Tom on webcam practically crying, out of sadness or happiness I had no idea. But I was knew I was proud of Tom right now, for managing to do this on his own. And he was talking! He was actually talking! I had missed his voice so much, it was incredible to hear him speak again, talking like a normal human being. Tom sounded a little croaky, but still, his voice was the sweetest thing I had ever heard in my life, to me, he was still perfect.

It was clear he was still a bit self conscious though, because he wasn't looking directly at the camera, and wouldn't stop fiddling with his tshirts sleeves, fidgeting constantly on his bed. "so, erm, now that thats been cleared up, I don't think theres anything else to say really. Any of your questions will be answered in time, when we start doing interviews and things again after Christmas. I don't exactly know when they'll start again, but we'll be keeping you informed over twitter and stuff, I'm sure...oh, hey Marvin! Look who's turned up! I've missed this little fluff ball." Tom picked Marvin up and cuddled him, pressing his face into the ginger fluff balls fur.

I grinned at the sight, print screening it (for the future, cause I sort of knew Tom wasn't going to be this talkative around us), before going back to watch the remainder of Toms webchat. "oh, its getting late now, well, late for me anyway, and I haven't even eaten yet. So I'm offski I think, I'll be back real soon hopefully, and if I'm not on before Christmas next week, have a good one! Bye!" Tom smiled a fantastic fake smile (it didn't reach his eyes), making a hand heart before turning it off. All of a sudden, I wanted to run around to his and envelope him into a hug and make that smile real. Tom was trying so hard to act normal and it tore my heart apart, he shouldn't have had to pretend, or try and be something he wasn't. If he needed time, he was allowed time to get back to being himself, he didn't have to rush straight back into being in a band, we would give him as longer time as he wanted and needed.

At least Tom had said we would start work after Christmas...which was only a week away. I could only hope that Tom knew what he was doing with this, and he actually would be okay. Wait, what were we going to do with him on Christmas? We were all going back to our families, what was Tom going to do? He loved Christmas so much, and I would hate for him to have a Christmas where he would be sat in his front room, on his own, without any presents or anything to keep him happy. I would phone Carrie later, and see if she would come round that day...and get Tom a present, so he had at least something to unwrap. Even though I wasn't his boyfriend, I was still his best friend (hopefully) and he deserved at least something, and I wanted to be the one to give it to him. It was always me who gave Tom everything he wanted, to some extent I spoiled him, but I loved him with everything and I wanted to show that, so thats why I spoiled him, that and so I didn't see him upset.

91 Dougies POV

Before running around to Toms the next morning, we called a meeting at ours, to talk about getting back into band life and Christmas, because really, what were we going to do with Tom? We couldn't just leave him in his house on his own at his favourite time of year, could we? It wouldn't be a very good idea to do that at all, we had to come up with a plan for him, or he would be on his own. "we could send him to Carries, right? She'll be able to look after him for a while, won't she?" I asked, gripping at Harrys large hand that was resting comfortingly on my hip. "yeah, she will be able to, I think. But, will that make Tom feel like he's just being dumped somewhere for a while, that won't make him feel any better at all. When are you guys off anyway?" Danny bit his lip, playing with the key again.

"we're off at the weekend, and we'll be back for New Years, we're only at Dougs parents, so we can easily get back if you can't." Harry answered, looking quite worried, but nowhere near as worried as Danny was. "well, thats good, but I still don't want him to be on his own. Toms too unwell to be on his own, he'll probably starve or something." Danny was so worried, literally radiating worry from himself, it was clear he just wanted Tom back, or at least a way to make him better so we didn't have to worry about him this much, "and oh sh*t, Fletch is starting us back up again with interviews too after we all get back! What are we going to do then? How are we going to explain why he isn't singing...or talking?!" Danny panicked, tugging at his hair helplessly.

"whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold still a minute and think, okay? Tom actually did a webchat on his own last night and he was fine, wasn't he? He spoke, he smiled, hell, at one point he even laughed! And he seemed to be speaking to Fletch too, so, we can see what will happen when we go round and talk to him, okay? Then we'll go from there, you never know, something Fletch said might have triggered him to come out of that shell of his." Harry held Danny by his shoulders after pulling his hands away from his hair. "b-but he wasn't saying anything to us! Its going to be no use if he doesn't speak to us!" Danny whimpered, bottom lip quivering.


	47. Chapter 47

**xxPUDDxx - thanks! i actually really want to be an author! xD **

92 Toms POV

I leapt feet when I heard the door open and close, at 11, I hadn't thought anyone was coming round today because it was so late, guess I was wrong. "Tom? We're here now, where are you honey?" Danny called out, soon finding me laying on my front room floor. I had given up hiding for now, I was always found anyway, and I had to start proving I was okay to go back to interviews and shows again. Actually coming out and showing my face occasionally will probably help. "hey honey, how are you this morning? You look tired, you had a late night last night, didn't you?" Danny half smiled, sitting next to me on the floor.

There was a few moments of awkward silence, Harry broke it again. "so, Tom, we need to talk to you, about Christmas. Me and Dougs are at his parents from next Saturday until New Years. And Dannys going to Bolton, we need to know where your going, we don't want you to be on your own, so maybe, you could go to Carries if you want." Harry explained, stroking Dougies side. "or you could go with me? Up to Bolton, you know my family have practically adopted you, and Carrie could come too." Danny joined in, hugging his knees.

I just shrugged, wanting them to go home and stop trying to organise stuff for me. I could organise stuff for myself, and to be honest, I just wanted to spend some time by myself and not have everyone worrying about me. "well, I'll phone Carrie and see what she wants to do, then we'll go from there." Danny sighed in the end, getting out his phone and walking off, talking quietly on the phone to my little sister.

"so, I take it yesterdays webchat went alright then?" Dougie half whispered, leaning back into Harrys arms. I nodded, showing that I was responsive so we could go and do interviews and things again, I didn't want to delay getting back to normal any further. "thats good, I take it we'll be doing a band webchat before long, because Fletch will probably ask us to do one." Harry smiled a little, so I knew I had no regrets in forcing ourselves back into business again. I knew it was the right choice to carry on with the band almost straight away, so we could put the running away behind us and could go back to being happy again. Well, I wouldn't be as happy as everyone else, but I knew that Danny, Harry and Dougie would be, performing would be my source of happiness, and seeing my band mates happy would make me smile. Everything else I could fake, easily, I was a theatre school child, I knew exactly how to act happy.

You see, I had this all planned out, we would go back to being McFLY, like nothing happened, and eventually this year would be forgotten. The guys would go back to being who they were, and I would hide in the background more, and let Dougie have his chance as a lead singer instead of me. I would still write and play guitar, but not sing as much, because I couldn't sing. Everything would be better now, ten times better, even if I wasn't as happy, I didn't care, we would be a stronger band, and it would be so worth it.

93 Dougies POV

Soon, Danny came back in again, telling us that Carrie would phone Tom later and discuss Christmas with him. So now, we were just sitting in the front room, surrounding the blonde was who still laying on the floor. "so, are we just going to sit here? Or are we going to actually do something today?" I asked, breaking the tension that was building up in the room. "I dunno, what do you feel like doing?" Harry rested his head on my shoulder, rocking us slightly from side to side.

"I don't know, any ideas guys?" I looked to Tom and Danny, Tom had now pulled a blanket over his head and body, I could hear how his breathing was turning a little ragged. Danny noticed it too, he was sitting on his hands so he didn't hug the poor boy. To be honest, I think we all wanted to pull Tom onto the sofa and sit him on our laps, cuddle him until he couldn't help but smile and be happy again. But, we couldn't really come up with a way to subtly get him into that position, so he was going to have to stay on the floor.

"I have no idea, Tommy, honey, any ideas?" Danny turned to Tom, getting nothing but a shrug in return. Dannys shoulders slumped even further, he started to bite at his lip too, his fingers twitching from under his legs. "well, it is a week before Christmas, we could put up the decorations." The idea suddenly popped into my head, Tom loved putting up the Christmas decorations up, usually he had at least the tree up by December 1st. But this year was obviously going to be different, and there was nothing wrong with putting them up now, was there? "yeah! Alright then, we're late this year! Come on Tom, time to put up the decorations!" Danny seemed to bounce back to life again, running up the stairs and straight to the room where the tree and everything else was.

Single handedly, Danny brought down all the boxes and set them out in the front room, excitedly bringing out all the different bits of lighting and tinsel, including the Christmas duvet for Toms bed, and blanket, that went with the duvet. "right, Tom, wheres this all going then?" I turned to Tom, who had now moved so he was sat up, still wrapped up in his new Star Wars blanket, clutching at it like a child would clutch a teddy when they were scared.


	48. Chapter 48

**quickly adding now before i crash out from exhaustion. thank you for the comments, and just to let you guys know, i also have a twitter corruptedpov and a tumblr mcflycorruptedmypov if you don't have an account on here and you want to message me, or even if you want to get to know me a bit better xD**

94 Harrys POV

Tom didn't exactly reply as to where the decorations were going, so instead, we put them up for him, leaving him to do the tree later, knowing how much he loved decorating the tree. "Tom, honey, are you going to eat dinner with us today? We're ordering a pizza, with all your favourite toppings if you're interested!" Danny asked, dropping back down on the floor next to Tom, hugging his knees. Tom shook his head and pulling his blanket around his shoulders more, still staring blankly at the floor.

"go on Tom, sit with us at least, we'll miss you otherwise! Come on, its just pizza, it'll be fun. Its one of our last days together before Christmas! And we're gunna miss you while we're away, so come and have dinner with us!" I encouraged, reaching out to hold his hand, but playing it off as resting a hand on Dougies knee when Tom moved his hand away. The door bell rung and broke our moment, so I got up for the pizza. Dougie came along behind me, keeping hold of one of my hands, squeezing almost painfully. "Dougs, calm down, its okay. We'll eat in the front room if we have to, it'll be okay, alright?" I promised, turning to him and giving him a hug, kissing his forehead gently. "I hope so, I'll miss him this Christmas, more than usual." Dougie sighed, squeezing me tightly. "we all will Dougs, but don't worry, we'll phone him up all the time. It'll be alright, I promise, it'll only be a week away, that I think we all need. Carries gunna be here, and if not, Toms going to Dannys, he'll be with someone all the time. Now come on, pizza here." I gave Dougie a quick kiss, cutting off the conversation off.

Opening the door, I found that it was the pizza delivery man we had been expecting, so I quickly paid him and took the pizza inside, dropping it and myself onto the floor in front of Tom and Danny. Of course, Danny picked up a slice, but he only really nibbled it, taking small sideways glances at Tom, who as per usual, just sat there, hugging his knees to his chest. "come on Tom, you've got to eating something, you haven't eaten properly in over a year. You've got to eat something now, or you'll end up in hospital again." I encouraged, eating another bite to show him it was okay. It did nothing, Tom still sat there, not even properly paying attention to anything I said. So, I gave up, and tried to get Danny to eat instead. He was slowly turning into Tom too, he had his hyper moments, and his normal moments, but the rest of the time he was acting so much like Tom it scared me.

95 Toms POV

I didn't eat a bit of pizza at all, I just watched everyone else eat, not feeling hungry yet. I still didn't deserve this nice food anyway, so I wasn't eating it, I was going to sit there and ignore the urge to run upstairs and rip my arms into shreds. "Tom, honey, we're gunna go home now, okay? We'll see you tomorrow, before we're going back home to see our families on Saturday, alright?" Danny spoke to me like I was stupid and needed to be talked through everything that was going to happen. It annoyed me no end, but I guess this is what I got for being me, so I just nodded slightly, telling him I had registered what he had said. "see you tomorrow Tom." Harry hugged my unresponsive body, Dougie flanking my other side, both of them kissing my cheeks, making me inwardly cringe.

I hated being touched this lovingly, like I was still actually wanted, I bet they all couldn't wait to get away from here, and leave me to my own devices, I bet Carrie wouldn't even call and would go out with her boyfriend instead. To be honest, I wouldn't mind that really, I would love to have a week to myself to do what I wanted to do and get some things straight in my head, get my emotional walls back up again, strengthen them. Also, it would mean I wouldn't have to find an excuse as to explain why I didn't want to eat my dinner, or why I wasn't exactly my normal happy self.

"bye Tom, I'll see you tomorrow, night." Danny knelt down, also kissing my cheek and hugging me, "its getting late honey, so just eat some pizza and go to bed, so you don't over sleep tomorrow." Danny whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead, then my temple, before getting up and leaving. I heard the door close and burst into tears, feeling him kiss me was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt, and I never ever wanted it to end. It took every ounce of my strength to not grab Danny and kiss him, hold onto his muscled body, tell him I loved him so much and I never wanted him to leave. But I couldn't, Danny didn't love me, and he never would, he was just pretending for me, so I could be happy, he was too kind to not do it. It was typical Danny, thinking about everyone before himself, making sure that everyone was happy, even that meant he wasn't happy. He was so perfect, and it killed me to know he was just doing this whole act for me because I was pathetic and special needs. I just wanted him to love me, like I loved him, with every bit of my body, completely unconditionally, maybe even irrationally.

I leapt feet when I heard my phone ring, emitting a small scream at the same time, shakily picking it up to see that it was Carrie ringing. Now, did I answer it or not? The phone was ringing and vibrating almost violently in my hand, and it scared me a little. It had been so long since a phone had rung around me that I wasn't sure how to handle this situation, did I answer and act normal? Or did I leave it and pretend I didn't hear it? Oh that was ridiculous, doing that would cause more panic than was necessary, I had to answer the phone! But, the whole thing scared me, what if Carrie shouted at me? Or what if it wasn't Carrie, and someone just had her phone?! What would I do then?!

I quickly pulled myself together, wiping my eyes and trying to stop snivelling like a baby, pushing all those stupid thoughts out of my mind, it was Carrie and it would be fine. "h-hello?" I answered the phone, cursing at myself when I stuttered. "hey, its Carrie, Danny told me to phone you to ask about our plans for Christmas?" Carrie explained, seemingly not having heard my stuttering. "yeah, I know, so, what are you doing?" I asked, still wiping away tears with my sleeve, putting the phone on speaker so I could hug my knees at the same time for comfort. "well, I was thinking that I could come round yours, or you could come to mine, and we could just hang out, be brother and sister. It'll be just like old times, just the two of us, the Fletcher kids, hanging out and acting like right girls watching chick flicks and Disney movies!" Carrie laughed a little, obviously not mentioning mum and dad. We had some problems as a family, my dad had walked out years ago, after having a nervous breakdown and deciding he couldn't cope with us anymore. My mum had never recovered, and now blamed me and Carrie for dads breakdown, refusing to speak to us at all. So now, me and Carrie relied on each other for family, and we were fine with that, we enjoyed our two person family, we did a better job of looking after each other than our parents ever did, and right now, it felt like I could trust her a little more than I could trust anyone else.

"well, you could come over to mine, that'll be good." I broke myself from my thinking, realising that it would be easier if she came here. She wouldn't let me leave for a whole week if I was at hers, if she was here, I could lie to her and say the guys were coming back a few days early, so she would leave and I would have that time to myself so everyone would actually enjoy their Christmas. "alright then, I'll come round yours. Which day do you want me round by?" Carrie sounded pretty excited, and I cursed her good acting skills, she was dreading this, I could tell. "erm, Christmas Eve? They guys are leaving on Harrys birthday, so, yeah, come round the day after." I lied, hoping she believed me. "alright, I'll be round by lunch time Christmas Eve!" Carrie was such a good little sister, pretending she actually wanted to be here instead of with her boyfriend, I loved her so much for it. "thanks, for coming round, it means a lot. Are we doing presents or not?" I asked, needing to know if I had to sneak out and get her something or not. "nah, we'll skip this year, I'm guessing you haven't had time to even think about presents, so we'll leave it this year. But, I can bring a turkey and some food, for some dinner if you want, we'll probably fail at cooking it, but it'll be a laugh! And if needs be, we'll make cookies and eat them instead!" Carrie laughed, and I smiled a little, knowing our cooking skills were mediocre at best. "yeah, alright then, bring some food round, we'll have a go and making something edible." I faked laughter, so it seemed like I was actually excited to see her. I did want to see her, but I didn't want to get in the way of anything else she was planning, and I didn't want to make her feel like she had to see me, I would have been fine on my own, but I did still sort-of want some company, at least for a couple of days.


	49. Chapter 49

**xxPUDxx - my mum was exactly the same, but what worked for me was literally just wearing her down until she finally gave in xD **

96 Dannys POV

Friday passed way too quickly and within what felt like minutes, it was Saturday and everyone was going off back home to see their families. Of course, we saw Tom first, seeing as I had a present to give him, and I just didn't want to leave for a week without saying good bye. "hey, Tom, I just came over to say bye, and Happy Christmas, cause I'm not seeing you until new year. I've gotten you a present, and I'll trust you to not open it until Christmas day, I'll just put it under the tree." I told the still unresponsive boy, sighing loudly to see the tree still hadn't been decorated yet.

I decided to ignore that and knelt down in front of Tom instead, watching him unlock and relock his phone over and over. It was his old one, considering his last one managed to break while he was away. Carefully, I put a finger under his chin and pulled his face up to look at me, his eyes were still covered by his over grown fringe but I could tell he was still looking away from me. "Tom, look at me a minute, so I know your listening." I wanted to say something important, and I needed Tom to look at me so I could say it. All I got was him trying to get his head off my hand, so I quickly managed to put my spare hand on his cheek, securing the hold I had on him so he had to at least face me.

"look at me Tom, please, its important that you listen to this so I need you to look at me." I stroked his face to show him I meant no harm, and tried to not give in to the urge to kiss him. This was the closest I had gotten to my lost little boy in over a year, all I wanted was to get a little closer and kiss him, give him that sense of love I know he needed. I smiled a little when Tom finally looked up, he wasn't directly looking at me, but, he was trying, and thats what mattered the most.

"now, you know that we're going to be away for the week, don't you?" I got a small nod, "so it means your going to have to look after yourself this week, alright? Carrie will be here to keep you company, so your not going to be deserted, and she will happily get you anything you need. But I need you to promise me that you will eat, and sleep, and not try to run off. I'm proud of you that you haven't tried since the hospital, but I don't want you trying to do it now either. I want you to stay here in the house, and if you do go out, come back. Leaving me like you did hurt so much, and I never want that to happen again, alright? Its all I want you to do, eat, sleep, and not run off, okay? Thats all I ask, just behave yourself, and it'll be fine. If you need me, I'll be just a phone call away, you can phone me any time you want, I won't mind if its 3am in the morning, if you want to talk you can. If you have any trouble with anything else, tell Carrie and she'll sort it, if not, phone Harry and Dougie, they'll be round like a shot, alright? Now, I have to go if I want to get back to Bolton at any time before dinner, so, be good for me, we'll all be back soon... I love you." I barely managed to whisper that last bit, having not said it in so long, I had to say it now, just so Tom could hear how much I felt for him. Then, I did possibly the bravest thing I had done in a year, I leant in, gently placing my lips on top of Toms, letting them brush against each other lightly. Fireworks exploded in my stomach, and my heart rate went up so fast it was almost unbelievable. Before I went nuts and pinned the blonde to the floor I pulled back, hugging Tom bye and somehow managing to get into my car, my whole body felt weak and floppy, replaying the moment in my mind over and over until I realised something...Tom didn't kiss back.

97 Toms POV

I laid on the floor and sobbed, just sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably, pain ripping through every part of my weak and useless body. Danny had kissed me he had actually told me he loved me, he lied to me. Just when I thought his pretending couldn't get any worse, he went and kissed me, telling me those 3 little words, that meant everything to me. Those 3 words meant the world to me when said in that Bolton accent, they always made me feel so much better usually, now I felt like tearing myself apart, ripping the whole of my body to shreds to punish myself for making him say those words. I must have done something to make him think he had to say it, maybe because I looked at him? Had he seen in my eyes how much pain I was in just by being his presence, his perfect presence? Is that why he lied, and did what he did? God I was pathetic, I couldn't even hide the pain from Danny Jones, legendarily stupid Boltoner.

My lips were still tingling from where his had touched them, everything he had touched was tingling, which made me feel even more guilty. I shouldn't have been enjoying it! Danny was forbidden fruit, a taken man, I shouldn't have loved him like I did! It wasn't right to be in love with him while all he felt for me was pity. But I couldn't help it, he was so perfect to me, so nice and comforting, how could I not love him? He had wasted 4 years of his life pretending to be in love with me, and had put on an amazing show for it too, how he put up with it I would never know. If it had been me, I would have exploded and just screamed after only 6 months, but no, Danny managed for 4 whole years before I figured it out.

My thoughts were whirling inside my head, two conflicting thoughts warring each other to fill my head, telling me what to feel. _Love him, you can't not! He's perfect, just carry on like before, he might eventually fall in love with you!_ One voice whispered, it was so tempting to listen to it, but if I did, I would be ashamed. I already was ashamed of myself, so ashamed that I had to chuck the blanket over my head and run upstairs to hide in my bathroom so Marvin didn't see me. If he saw me like this, he would just run out of the cat flap and never return, and I wouldn't be able to take that._ You can't love him! You can't! He's taken, you can't just carry on like before ,he'll get even more depressed and angry at you if you do that! You can't let him carry on like this, set him free! _The other voice screamed so loudly I gave myself I headache as I settled in my position in the bathroom, locking the door.

I was so close to screaming right now, it was killing me, both thoughts would cause me so much pain, so much denial and my fragile mind couldn't take it. It was so hard to pick a choice, what did I want more, a lie, a pure horrible lie, that I had already lived with for 4 years, or did I choose to let Danny go? Could I actually set him free, would I have the guts to do it? Of course I wouldn't, this was Danny we're on about here, he would fight me, tooth and nail, until I gave up and let him carry on lying. He was too kind to me, way too kind to me, and he wouldn't stop, even if I told him I knew he was lying to me. I felt terrible, weak and feverish, uncontrollable sobs wracking my body as I felt my whole body whither with this pain.

2 days later, I was still in the bathroom, still locked in, so many new cuts marking my arms.


	50. Chapter 50

**xxPUDDxx - haha! well, we'll have to wait and see what happens to him... xD and awesome! :) **

98 Dannys POV

I was practically rocking back and forth in my room at my parents house, itching to hurt myself, the need was eating away at me, killing me slowly. I had to do it, I had to cut another line into my arm, the need was starting to get really, really awful now, I had to cut or do something now! The panic from Tom not kissing back had been building up now for 2 days, I was practically shivering with stress. He didn't kiss back, he didn't love me, he didn't love me anymore! I had messed up so much he didn't love me anymore, it was all my fault, why had I been so stupid as to think that Tom had been fine?! How did I possibly believe he would be alright after a while?! Why couldn't I have been the perfect boyfriend, the one who was devoted to his other half, who actually noticed when the one they loved the most was about to run away and go so far downhill?

"Danny, what are you doing up here all on your own, huh? Come downstairs, your here to see everyone again, why are you hiding?" Vicky made me jump, breaking my thoughts. "I, er...just thinking." I half smiled, trying not to look like I was in serious need of a razor blade. "about Tom?" Vicky knew me too well, sitting down next to me. "yeah, as always. He's so fragile right now, I'm just worried about him." I sighed, downplaying it a little so she didn't worry about either of us. "he'll be alright. Carries with him, he'll be fine with her around, you never know, he might come out of his shell a little, and have some fun. It might cheer him up a little, just wait and see...and stop worrying. Now come on, you're coming with me now and you can't say no!" Vicky got up, grabbing my cut arm and dragging me downstairs.

It took everything inside me not to scream in pain, rip my arm out of her grip and run away so she couldn't tell what was wrong. Burning pain was searing up my arm, making it throb with every one of my heart beats. Please don't feel the cuts, please don't feel the cuts. My head begged whatever higher power there was out there, I couldn't be found out, I didn't want to be found out, no-one would trust me again if they saw the cuts criss-crossing my arms. I sighed in relief when she let me go, and flopped down on the sofa, not giving me weird looks or anything. "ah, finally decides its time to show his face then?" my mum teased, smiling up at me from the sofa, "what were you doing up there anyway?" she carried on, and I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to talk about how nervous I was for Tom, and how nervous I was thinking about the fact that I kissed him, and that now, I needed to cut so bad it was killing me. "nothing, just thinking, and don't say that you need to send a search party cause I'll get lost in thought!" I joked instead, fake smiling and hoping everyone believed me. Everyone laughed and seemingly believed me, so I sat down and tried my best to act normal, put the thoughts of Tom and razors and kisses and unresponsive lips to the back of my mind.

99 Harrys POV

I sat on the sofa, smiling as Dougie blew raspberries on his 5 year old cousins, George, belly, making the little boy squeal. Dougie was grinning as the little boy screamed in delight, and I knew how much he missed his beloved cousin. He always used to see George as much as possible, though this year we hadn't had time, too busy looking after Danny. This was almost like therapy for him, and it made me so happy to see Dougie laughing and giggling.

"little George is going to be eaten by the Dougie monster! Rawr!" Dougie laughed, coming up for air for a minute, still tickling the blonde boy. "no! Don't Dougie no!" George squealed, uselessly kicking his legs. "Dougie monster can't eat little George because its Georges bed time!" Dougies mum, Sam, sighed, giving her son and nephew a loving look. "aw man! It can't be 8 yet!" Dougie pouted, picking up a giggling George and hugging him close. "yes it is, its Georges bed time! But you two can bathe him and take him to bed if you want." Sam rolled her eyes, used to Dougies pouting by now. "fine, come on Haz, you can help me." Dougie gave in, knowing he had about half an hour left with his favourite cousin. I got up and held onto one of Georges hands, Dougie was on the other side, the both of us leading him to the bathroom.

We ran the bath and put George in, helping him wash, well, I did, Dougie was too busy playing with the bubbles. At the moment, he was giving George a bubble beard, and blowing the left over ones so they floated through the air, still making the little one laugh. "Dougs, don't get him too excited, or he won't sleep!" I teased, with a little warning left in it. "yes he will, he'll be fine, trust me, I've done this 1000 times." Dougie whispered in my ear, looking so carefree I couldn't make him stop his playing. He had been so worried about Tom all year, how could I stop him from having fun now, before we started going back to interviews and photoshoots, which would surely run Tom and Danny down even more?

"can you read me a story? Before I go to bed, please?" George asked, looking particularly at Dougie, knowing he would give in. "alright, we'll read you a story too if you insist." I smiled, wiping away the bubble beard and picking the boy up, drying him off with a towel. Dougie helped me dress him in Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas, tucking him into bed. "what story do you want Georgey?" Dougie asked, stroking the boys hair. "erm, Harry Potter!" George giggled, squeezing his teddy bear. "you can't have that! Its way too long! Choose a short story!" I laughed, deciding to enjoy the childs cuteness for a while and try to not let it remind me of Tom. "but I want the real Harry to read it to me! And your here, so why not?" George grinned at me, and even though I found it cute, the grin didn't work on me. "I can't read you it today, just before bed time, but I'll read it to you some other time, when we have more time." I sighed, so Dougie didn't give in and grab the book now. "I'll do all the monsters for you too, don't worry. Now, there's loads of other books we can read to you, come on, which one? How about...Horrid Henry?" Dougie pulled a random book, and George nodded.

I did most of the reading, and Dougie did all the monsters, and appropriate sound effects when they were needed, making George giggle. He was slowly falling asleep, leaning on Dougie side, his little hand holding onto Dougies larger one. By the last line, he was asleep, curled between the both of us. "aw, he's so cute! I might just stay up here for a while with him." Dougie whispered, continuing to stoke the tiny 5 year olds hair. "alright, I'll stay with you." I shuffled down the bed, knowing that really, it was too small for the 3 of us, but, it was worth it, to see Dougies smile.


	51. Chapter 51

**wooooooo chapter 100! xD **

**xxPUDDxx - haha! thought i would add in some Pudd stuff to lighten the mood a bit xD**

100 Toms POV

Somehow, on the 23rd of December, I managed to crawl out of the bathroom, having had enough of wallowing in my own self depreciating pity. "snap out of it Thomas, you've got to get ready for Carrie." I warned myself, getting up and stumbling around the house, feeling weak and a bit dizzy as I tidied the house a bit. After the house was tidy, I had a cold shower (warmth was for good people) and quickly got dressed again, covering up my new cuts with make-up, trying to get over the stinging.

The day was spent playing guitar and piano, so I was note perfect, and I fell asleep on my music room floor, only to be woken up by the sound of the doorbell ringing. I raced downstairs, then realised I didn't have a key. "C-Carrie, your g-gunna have to o-open the door yourself. I don't have a key." I stuttered, not used to talking to people. "what? Why the hell don't you have a key to your own house?" Carrie asked, opening the door anyway, walking in carrying a few bags of shopping. "I, er...they were taken from me." I sighed, biting my lip, knowing it was pathetic to have your own keys taken from you so you were locked inside your own house. "oh, the guys just don't want you to run away again, so they're just taking precautions, I'm sure you'll have your keys back soon." Carrie also sighed, giving me a pity filled look that made my teeth go on edge and my skin crawl. I knew I was pathetic, there was no need to give me pity looks to rub it in.

"so anyway, hey, happy Christmas, are you alright?" Carrie smiled at me, giving me a hug. I hugged back very loosely, biting back a whimper. "yeah, its been alright. I'm a bit tired, but thats what late nights do to you!" I tried to joke, putting on a fake smile. "you need to learn to sleep more then, don't you? Now, what do you want to do first? I have DVDs, and a few games to play, so, any preferences?" Carrie teased, showing me a few DVD's she had brought. All the latest Disney ones that I had missed, and really, it would look weird if I didn't go for one of them, above anything else. So I chose to watch one of the new ones, starting with Tangled.

"good choice! This one is amazing!" Carrie grinned, running upstairs excitedly, dragging me with her. As we watched, everything seemed to fall back into the regular routine, the both of us sat watching a film together, singing along when we could (the lyrics were on the screen so I could sing (read: lip sync) along too) laughing at all the gags. The only thing was, I wasn't really laughing, I was taking my cues from Carrie, fake laughing whenever she started to giggle. It was my practise time to see if anyone could tell that something was wrong, because if she didn't notice something was up and I was faking it, then during interviews and shows, I would appear normal, and no-one would suspect a thing. That was all I wanted, to appear to be normal so no-one suspected that I was dying on the inside, tearing myself apart just so I could be someone else. I didn't like me anymore, I hated who I was, and I was doing everything I could so I could be someone else, someone better.

101 Dannys POV

The next few days went by in a flash, and before I knew it, I was back at my house, wondering what the hell was going to happen now, it was new years eve, did I go to Toms and spend it with him, or were all of us staying at our houses? I didn't want to be alone at the moment, and didn't want to leave Tom on his own.

The doorbell ringing had me breaking from my thoughts, and I hoped it was Tom ringing the doorbell, but was almost disappointed to find Harry. "hey, wheres Dougie?" I asked, seeing no little blonde anywhere. "at Toms, telling him the same thing I'm telling you, get showered and dressed, your both coming round ours to celebrate new year together. You have 30 minutes." Harry smiled, shoving me towards the shower. "what? We're all going round? We're taking Tom outside his house? Are you sure thats going to be alright?" I stopped his pushing, worrying more about Tom running away, what if kissing him pushed him away more and now he was going to run?

"yes, we'll be with him, and come on, its not like he can actually run away, is it? We're all there, and we can easily outrun him, so we'll catch him really quickly." Harry answered, but I was still worried. "but, what if he sneaks out?" I could feel myself paling in worry for Tom, I couldn't take it if he ran away again, and I knew, it would be all my fault if he did, again. I felt that guilt filled need to cut my arm again, and only hoped I would be left alone so I could. "he won't, we'll keep an eye on him, don't worry." Harry promised, then shoved me into the shower, telling me I stank.

So as quick as I could, I showered and dressed, putting a protective bandage over my arm (covered in cuts, quite a few fresh ones too, I still felt a little light headed) and covering it with my shirt and jacket sleeves, both of which were quite long. "ready?" Harry asked, I nodded, letting him pull me by my hand down the road to his. I was relieved to find Tom and Dougie already there, sitting in the front room, Dougie talking animatedly about the past week, not seeming to care that Tom looked like he wasn't listening. "and George was so cute! He wanted us to read him Harry Potter, but we didn't have time, but we did read him a few other things, and he was so sweet! I've got to see George more often, cause he is so cool and...hi guys!" Dougie rambled, finally coming up for air when he saw us. He jumped up and bounded over to Harry, leaping into his arms, cuddling the other one tightly.

"whoa Dougs, what is this for, huh?" Harry laughed, not letting go of the littlest of us. "because I love you, and I've missed you, I know its only been half an hour, but I always miss you when your not around!" Dougie giggled, making both me and Tom, I noticed, wincing at his 'I love you'. Looks like I wasn't the only one who still wasn't sure after that kiss and confession. "aw, I love you too, you silly little boy." Harry teased, kissing the blondes cheek before dropping him so he was standing on his own.


	52. Chapter 52

**xxPUDDxx - haha! we'll have to wait and see if they get their act together or not xD**

102 Harrys POV

I gave Dougie another smile, and squeeze, before letting him go before Tom and Danny got jealous or awkward. "so, who wants some pizza?" I asked, breaking the slightly awkward silence, breaking Danny from almost staring at Tom longingly. "yeah, okay." Danny nodded, scratching his arm as he sat down on the floor too. "celebratory massive pizza that we probably won't eat all of tonight, and will eat as breakfast?" Dougie suggested, making us all nod again.

I ordered the pizza, feeling quite confused when I realised I couldn't hear talking in the other room, why wasn't Danny trying to make conversation? He usually did, what had happened? And really, did I honestly want to know what had happened to the boys? In the end, after I got off the phone, I had to be the one to get a conversation going, and mostly, all I got was head shakes or nods from the boys sat on the floor, who looked like they weren't going to move any time soon. "right, Danny, come with me a minute, we need to talk." I dragged Danny into the kitchen, after seeing tears form in his eyes.

"dude, what the hell is up? You were fine the other day, whats happened?" I asked, hugging him close as his whole body convulsed over with a sob. "whoa, whats all this? Why are you crying? Danny, whats happened?" I asked, feeling Dannys large hands clinging to my shirt. "I-I, I screwed up! I screwed up so badly!" Danny cried, actually shaking in my arms. "huh? What did you do?" I rubbed his back soothingly, letting him grip me so tight it hurt. "I, I, I kissed him! I kissed him, t-told him I l-loved him...h-he didn't say it back! He doesn't love me anymore!" Dannys voice shook in time with his sobs, that were breaking my heart. "oh Danny, don't worry! Tom loves you, so much, I know he does! You know he's having a hard time with expressing himself, its just that okay? He does love you, I know he does." I comforted, hoping that actually was the truth. "b-but he didn't kiss back either! He just sat there! I just, he, he did nothing! He doesn't want me anymore!" Dannys legs gave out, so now I was supporting all his weight, sobbing so hard. "hey, don't say that! You know what Toms like at the moment, he will kiss back soon! Just give him a little time, okay? You shocked him, its been a while since he's been kissed properly like that, hasn't it? It must have shocked him, so he couldn't kiss back." I sighed as Dougie came in, coming over straight away to give us both a hug.

Again, Danny explained through his cries about what happened last week, clinging to the both of us, curling up in our arms, crying hysterically for Tom, who was ironically, the only one not in the room, unable to help Danny feel loved.

103 Toms POV

I must have sat there in the corner of the front room for 20 minutes before I realised something must be up. First Harry drags Danny out of the room (hand in hand, fingers entwined, might I add) then Dougie tries to make more failed conversation with me, then says he's getting us beer and walks out, and none of them had come back yet. I was literally sat, holed up in my corner, hugging my knees on my own while everyone else was in the kitchen.

Curiosity got the better of me, so I carefully crawled on my hands and knees over to the door, so I could peak through to see what was happening in there. To be honest, I wasn't shocked by what I saw, just hurt. In the kitchen, Danny was sat in Harrys lap, cuddled up in his arms, his back to me. Harry was holding him tight, and Dougie had an arm around the both of them, they looked like such a unit, and it broke my heart. They wanted to hug each other and be their usual selves, but felt like they couldn't around me, they were trying to hide their relationship from me. They were still protecting my feelings, so I didn't feel like an outsider to them, because I wasn't a part of the threesome they had created. So they had to hide in their kitchen and hug instead, lie to me and say they were getting food or drink just so I didn't know what was going on behind my back. My heart shattered in guilt, and I felt like I wanted to start crying again, I couldn't be here anymore, I couldn't be in this house, it wasn't right. Surely the door was still unlocked, maybe I could just slip out and go home, no-one would have noticed or cared really.

Carefully, I crawled towards the door, finding that it was unlocked, slipping out almost silently before walking home, my head hung in shame. Carrie had left 3 days ago, so I was greeted with an empty house, even Marvin had skulked off somewhere. Good, I liked my own company anyway, I didn't need anyone...much.

Hours past, and no-one turned up for me, like I expected, I could imagine what everyone was doing now. There was probably a party going on at Harry and Dougies house, them and Danny dancing the night away, laughing, joking, drinking beer, kissing. Jealousy spiked inside me, there hadn't even been a mention of my kiss with Danny, he was probably ashamed of doing it, kissing the man he only felt pity for. I just hoped he never did it again, because I wouldn't be able to stand it if he carried on kissing me, I would have to kiss back, and make him think that I didn't know this was all just a lie.

A text message interrupted my thoughts, it was from Danny. 'come back please, we've finished talking, sorry for leaving you for so long, we didn't mean it honey xxx.' It read, making me even more angry with myself, and even a little bit angry at Danny. He had realised that I wasn't hiding in a corner anymore and was STILL trying to make it seem like I was actually wanted in this band! I wasn't going back, no way, they could all spend the night together, I would be fine by myself, here, on my own, isolated from everything. I wanted to text back with a defiant 'no' but decided against it, knowing I would be dragged back round again and cause another awkward atmosphere. I seemed to be creating them a lot, stopping my apparent friends from enjoying new year together before being forced to spend more time with me.

'I'm going to bed' was what actually texted back with, hoping it would be enough to keep everyone away. 'okay see you in the morning, happy new year love you, xxxx' was the reply, and I couldn't help but think, how would it be a happy year when all I seemed to do was mess everything up?


	53. Chapter 53

**xxPUDDxx - hmmm, we'll have to see xD**

104 Harrys POV

Danny sighed and slumped against the wall, shoving his phone back into his pocket, telling us that Tom was now staying at home. "he's going to bed, apparently, why dont I believe that?" Danny looked heartbroken, and ready to cry, so me and Dougie came over and hugged him. "I dont know." I rubbed his back gently, feeling his arm tighten around me. "I want to go over and check on him, but I dont want to wake him up if he is sleeping." Danny sighed, whimpering into our shoulders. "then we'll be really quiet, won't we? So we dont wake him up." I suggested, then thought of something. "we've got to go round anyway, the doors unlocked, he could easily get out." I could almost feel Danny and Dougie pale, the realisation just hitting them. "sh*t, your right, we have to go and lock the doors now, or Tom could run away again!" Danny pulled out from our embrace and raced out the door, running down the road to Toms house. We ran along behind, opening the door to find an empty house.

"f*ck, Tom why? Why did you run away again?" Danny whimpered, falling onto the sofa, whimpering uselessly to himself. "I dont know Danny, we dont know whats going on in his head. Toms confused at the moment, we'll find him again soon. We'll phone the police in the morning, give him the chance to think and come back. You never know, he could just be going out for a walk." the chance that that theory was true was almost nil, and it seemed that Danny didn't pay attention to my words.

"fat chance of that. He's run away again, and now he knows that we'll be looking for him. He'll be even more clever at hiding, we'll never see him again." Danny whimpered loudly, barely managing to hold in tears. "Danny you dont know that! You never know, Tom could just be out for a walk or something. We will see him again, I know we will, you said that before, and we got him back, didn't we?" I encouraged, kneeling down and wrapping an arm around him.

10 minutes of comforting silence later, I heard footsteps on the stairs and whipped round to see Toms legs disappearing upstairs. "Tom? Tom, where are you going?" Dougie called, running up after him before me and Danny even had a chance to react. We dashed up after him, reaching the landing just as the door slammed in Dougies face. "was it Tom?" Danny gasped as he caught up to the door. "yeah, its him. I just missed him, by a second." Dougie nodded, leaning on the door, out of breath. "thank god for that. Tom, honey, open the door for us, where were you?" Danny called through the door, pressing close. "Tom, please, where were you, we were worried about you. You scared us by disappearing like that." Danny called again when he got no answer. "okay, so you dont want to talk now, we'll talk in the morning, okay? Happy new year Tommy." Danny sighed, doing his usual trick of calling Tom 'Tommy' when he got emotional. Downhearted, he slumped downstairs, not even stopping when we did to lock the door, he just, shuffled back to his own house. "should we follow him?" Dougie whispered, looking up to me for guidance. "no, leave him to cry and think by himself for a while. I'm sure he'll be fine after a while." I shook my head, leading us back to our own house, just as the fireworks started, signalling new year.

105 Toms POV

The fireworks went off and I stumbled over to my window, tears blurring my vision of the displays in the sky, signalling new year. Last new year had been even worse than this, it had been freezing cold, below zero, and my cars heater wouldn't work. I had sat in my car, wearing 2 jumpers, shivering in cold, missing my best friends and lover. Today wasn't much better, I was still crying, missing my so called friends, but at least I was warm, and could see the fireworks displays.

I had been waiting to see them all day, and had been sat outside in my garden, waiting for them. But, I had heard the door opening and closing, and had come in to see, Danny, Harry and Dougie sitting in my front room, holding each other. That had hurt, hurt so, so badly. They were rubbing it in now, rubbing in the fact that I wasn't a part of their group, their three way love affair, just so I knew that I wasn't welcome to them anymore, I wasn't Dannys boyfriend anymore, if I ever had been. Had they been together even before I realised how much of a lie everything was? Or had they gotten together after I left? I didn't know, and didn't particularly want to find out either, it already hurt to think I had been lied to for so many years, I didn't want to know how much of my life had been a lie.

The night past without much incident, I just basically cried all night long, unable to even get up and cut away the pain with a knife or anything. So I was starving myself some more, all the food in my house was mouldy anyway, for the past week I had been eating around the mould, and through the left over stale cookies me and Carrie had made while she was round. It was all sickeningly disgusting to eat, but it still felt a little too good for me, but there was nothing else I could do, apart from eat from the bin, if there was anything actually in there to eat. So tonight, after realising that I really was unwanted around here anymore, I was starving myself, punishing myself through lack of food to my rumbling stomach.

"Tom, its time to wake up now, we have 3 more days of rest before we have a meeting with Fletch and the rest of the management, about getting back to the band." Dannys voice broke the sleep I hadn't even realised I was having. I opened my eyes slowly to see him looking sadly at me, his knees pulled to his chest, facing me, though he wasn't physically touching me. He must really had not wanted to be here waking me up then. "morning, happy new year Tom. So, we need to talk." Danny looked away and bit his lip, he looked so out of place and awkward, like he was forcing himself to look like he cared about me, probably was, he wouldn't be able to lie to my face, he was too kind. Harry and Dougie as well wouldn't lie to my face, but they would (and were) send me signals that I wasn't wanted and they didn't want to be with me, like when they decided to sit in my own front room and hold Danny, telling me that he was theirs now.

"so, where did you go last night? We were worried." Danny lied, fiddling with his sleeves, keeping them pulled down over his hands. He had small flakes of red under his nails, he must have been redecorating his house, like he said he wanted too. I shrugged at him, keeping my face against the window, looking out of it to see the garden, and the large field behind it. "did you go for a walk or something? You just disappeared last night, I was worried you had run away again." Danny asked, so I nodded a little, so he could go and stop forcing himself to be here with me. "oh, alright then, why didn't you tell us that was where you were going? We wouldn't have minded or anything, its just that you disappeared so suddenly that it freaked me out a little. Next time tell me, okay? I was scared I would never see you again." Danny lied yet again, leaning on the window like I was, trying to make eye contact with me through the window glass, I wouldn't let him. I couldnt look him in the eye and watch him make up lies, make it seem like I was important to him, like he would actually be concerned if I disappeared again. I just couldnt take that, couldnt take that forced kindness, it felt so wrong now, so wrong it made me feel guilty and disgusted with myself for not explaining that I knew now. I knew the truth, it wasn't a pleasant truth, but it was the truth, that kept on being said to me, like I was to be believe it and carry on like nothing had happened.


	54. Chapter 54

**xxPUDDxx - well, it might take a while for some sense to be knocked into Tom :/**

106 Dannys POV

I could see Toms eyes tearing up in the window, so I reached out and put my hand on his knee gently, stroking my thumb over it. "sorry for bringing it up, but I had to know, I was so worried about you, I worry about you constantly. I know you can, sort of, look after yourself, but I still worry." I sighed, thankful he wasn't pushing my hand away. Of course, I didn't get a reaction at all, but I felt better trying to talk about it, at least Tom could hear that I cared about him, even if it didn't register, like the kiss didn't.

I really had to talk to him about that too, but I was so scared to, I didn't want to freak Tom out more, or make him think the wrong idea. I had no idea on how to go about it, or anything, but if there was a perfect time to try, now was it. "Tom, there's something else I want to talk to you about. I want, no, we need to talk about it. I'm probably going to go about this the completely wrong way, but I need to talk to you about our kiss before Christmas." I started, seeing Tom visibly wince. He gulped, then opened his mouth, so I waited, excitedly waiting to see if he was going to say something.

At first, only a few, barely intelligible noises came from him, that didn't make any sense at all. "I-It was a m-mistake. Its o-okay, I-I know." Tom finally whimpered, slowly getting up and moving off from the window sill. I followed along behind him, following him all the way from the bedroom to the front room. The decorations were now down, and my present had been unwrapped, I took a second to feel pride in the fact that Tom was using the lamp I had made him. I had glued a load of toys to the lamps base, making it look like they were climbing up to the light bulb, then spray painted it all black, so it looked like they were supposed to be there.

"that kiss wasn't a mistake Tom, I meant it, and I mean it when I say I love you. Cause I do, and I meant every part of that kiss, I did it on purpose." I snapped myself out of it to face him, resting my hand on his shoulder. Tom shrugged me off and continued to face the window, looking out into the garden, still refusing to meet my eyes, even behind his long fringe. It didn't stop me seeing the tears welling up in his eyes though. "but you didn't kiss back, you didn't even react. It broke my heart." I whispered, trying to make him turn around, meeting resistance. Tom took a deep, long breath in. "don't lie to me." Was all he said, before he walked back off upstairs, locking himself into his bathroom. I didn't see him for the rest of the day.

107 Harrys POV

Days past until the familiar old minivan parked outside Toms house, ready to take us off to the record companies building so we could have a meeting over what was going to happen now. We were all worried about this, because what if we were thrown right back into our old hectic schedule? Would that really make Tom, or Danny, snap? Or would Tom see the first opportunity to run away and take it, before we could stop him? No, he wouldn't do that, he had slipped out of our house the other night and gone back to his own place, hopefully he wouldn't try to run!

By the time me and Dougie got into the minivan, Tom was already inside, talking with Fletch and Tommy, 2 out of our 4 managers (I used to swear that we had 4 so there was always 1 person watching over 1 of us, so we didn't cause too much trouble) he had a fake smile plastered to his face, and had obviously only started talking this morning, as his voice was still croaky, like he had a cough. "morning boys! Wheres Danny then?" Fletch asked, looking away from whatever he was talking to Tom about. "dunno, he could still be sleeping, or eating his breakfast." I shrugged, sending Tom a strange look, why was he acting so differently around Fletch and Tommy than how he acted with us?

"yeah, he is always the late one now that Harry kicks me out of bed!" Dougie joked, covering up that he was just as confused as I was at this strange behaviour. "sorry! Overslept cause I went to bed late!" Danny ran and jumped into the car, settling himself in the seat next to Toms. "as usual then." I rolled my eyes, putting Toms strange (normal?) behaviour out of my mind by taking the mick out of Danny. "shut it, I couldn't sleep." Danny got defensive, slumping into his chair tiredly.

"alright, well, we better get a move on, or we're going to be late for the meeting. Buckle up boys." Fletch ignored Dannys behaviour, turning around in his seat as Tommy drove off. The drive was made in silence, to be honest it felt a little awkward, all of us keeping a watchful eye on Tom, who seemingly happily sat looking at the world passing by. I guess he hadn't seen the world properly in a while, not since he ran away, he had probably seen a darker side to the world, a scarier side. It must have been good to see the better side of it again, and not be trapped inside the dark streets, where all the dangers were.


	55. Chapter 55

**quick add before i go to bed tonight - thank you both for the comments! **

108 Dougies POV

We got to the record labels office and quickly got led inside. I felt like a 15 year old again, walking through the doors for the first time, keeping a watchful eye on Tom, seeing how he was reacting. What freaked me out was that he was fine, or at least seemed it. Tom was following along behind Fletch and Tommy, looking around the place with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. Danny was following along behind us all, keeping himself hunched over, almost curling into himself. It was almost like Tom and Danny had switched postures and personalities. Tom was usually the one who hunched himself over slightly, stopping the world beating at him with his body. Danny usually stood with confidence, looking around the place, happy and smiley. Now they were switched, and it was freaking me out a little.

"ah, boys! Long time no see then!" Darren, manager number 3, greeted us the second we walked into one of the conference rooms. It had been a year since we had been here, when me, Danny and Dougie had to explain that Tom had ran away, there were still only 7 chairs around the table, Toms chair had been wheeled off somewhere. We all got a hug from Darren, and Richard (manager number 4) when he came in too. "take a seat then, don't just stand there...oh, there's only 3, sorry about that Tom, we moved your chair earlier in the year to another room." Richard seemed to notice the chair problem, Tom momentarily deflated, then shot back into that confident position he had been in before, wiping his face of any actual emotion. "its okay, I'll be fine standing." Tom smiled good naturedly, the only sign of his nerves being his hand holding onto his left arm. I knew he wouldn't be fine standing, so I moved to sit in Harrys lap, offering him the now spare chair. "you have it Dougie, I'll be fine standing." Tom declined, pushing the chair away from him a bit, continuing to stand, seemingly ignoring our strange looks at him.

Tom spent the whole 3 hour meeting standing, literally, he stood for 3 hours, explaining that he was fine and ready to carry on band duties. Even though that was a pure lie. There was no way he was ready to go back to work! This was the first time he had actually spoken since we got him back! Why the hell did management believe him, even when we protested and said we weren't ready?! "I really think we need more time, we're not ready yet. Fletch, you've been to ours, surely you agree?" Harry pleaded, me and Danny pleading him with our eyes to agree. "all I've seen is you three telling us that Tom isn't ready to go back, and then I see the opposite. You boys may think your doing the right thing, but your not, I believe Tom on this one, I think your all ready to start doing interviews and stuff again." Fletch sent us a glare, how could he do this? How could he not see that Tom wasn't right, he was acting happy, that was all, he wasn't actually happy and ready yet!

"Fletch, please, think about how we normally act, are we acting like that now?" I begged, purposefully ignoring that slight look of panic on Toms face. If Fletch saw panic, he might change his mind, we didn't do anything without all 4 managers agreement. "I will admit your acting a little off, but that could be down to tiredness. So I'm still agreeing with Tom, you three have to stop trying to protect him all the time. He knows whats good for him." Fletch warned, giving us another warning glare, daring us to continue arguing.

109 Toms POV

"Tom, can I talk to you, alone, for a minute?" Darren asked before we all left to go home. "yeah, sure." I smiled a little, walking back into the conference room, leaving the others to wait at me from the corridor. "now, I want you to be completely honest with me, okay? You ran away, and worried everyone, its not something you do unless something is really wrong. So, are you sure you're 100% okay now? And your not just lying so everyone else is pleased, because I will easily give you some more time until you've sorted everything out." Darren put his arm around my shoulders, looking at me with huge concern on his face. I hated lying to him, and to everyone else, but I knew he wouldn't give me more time. He would lie to me and say that the even higher management wouldn't allow it, because I was wasting their time and money by hanging around and not doing anything. It was all about time and money around here, so I had to pretend that everything was sorted.

"yeah, I'm ready. I don't need any more time off, I've sorted everything." I held back my whimper of pain, pain from lying and the fear because he was holding my shoulder. I hoped he wouldn't feel the cuts I had created the past few days. "are you sure? You don't just run away for nothing. Now you know when one of you needs some time out, we will arrange it around you so we can keep you boys in tip top condition. So, are you sure your okay?" Darren pushed, faking concern. "yes, I am sure Darren. The guys are just worried about me, cause they've got me back. They're just trying to protect me, I'm fine, really." I was almost pleading him to believe me over the others, he usually did, because I was the sensible one. Now, I wasn't so sure. "alright, but just know, you can tell any of us that you need a break, and we'll give you one. I'm guessing you're not fully recovered yet, so I don't want you overworked and collapsing." Darren sat on the table we had been sat around, relaxing his body so he looked like a friend that I could talk to. I knew I couldn't, he wouldn't care unless I had a new song or something.

"okay, and no, I'm not, I still have a little bit of weight to put on, then I'll be back around the gym, getting back to proper rights again." I knew I couldn't lie about my physical health...apart from cutting, but really, I don't think I was ever going to put on this weight again. Sometimes, I was throwing up whatever I had eaten, because it tasted so horrible. I held back a shudder, not wanting to think about it now. "alright, well, take it easy, okay? No overworking it, we can't have one of our golden boys ill again, now can we?" his eyes sent me a warning, no getting ill, or I was in serious trouble. "yeah, I'll be careful." I smiled weakly, scratching my arm, feeling ridges all over it.

I turned to leave, but he stopped me again. "why did you run away, by the way? The police won't tell me, so, why?" Darren asked the dreaded question, what could I tell him? I couldn't tell him the same lie, he would force me to have more time off. "I, er... you know I have some problems, mentally?" an idea hit me, and I was sticking with this one. "yeah, have they gotten worse?" Darren looked concerned again,_ he isn't concerned, stop thinking he is, just LIE_, my head hissed. "well, a bit, at the time. Its fine now, I've got medication from the hospital. But at the time, it just, told me all the wrong things. So I convinced myself that I had to go, so, I went. Its fine now, I've got my meds, I'll be fine." I shrugged and put an another happy face, the face of someone who wasn't suffering with all these lies.

"well, alright then, but if you need anything, anything at all, just call. We'll set up an appointment with a psychiatrist or something. We've missed you around here, we're glad your back." Darren patted me on the back, leading me back to the door, where I met Danny, Harry, Dougie, Fletch and Tommy, who drove us home. The whole time, I got strange looks, and I tried my best to ignore them.


	56. Chapter 56

**happy valentines day everyone!**

110 Dannys POV

Another day past, and when we were around anyone to do with our careers, Tom acted normal, like he wasn't a shadow of the person he used to be. Then, he almost seemed to switch back to silence as soon as we were alone. His behaviour confused and scared me in equal measures, why was he doing this to himself and us? Was his mental problems getting worse, so they caused these switches?

"Tom, why are you doing this?" I asked, pulling his face to look at me. "doing what?" Tom surprised me, did he actually just answer me? I just heard his voice, and saw those perfect lips move, wow, this was new. "this, all of this. You're not ready for all this yet, nowhere near." I sighed, indicating the rehearsal room we were sat in. "I am, I'm fine." Tom pulled his face away from my hand, getting up and walking round to his guitar case. The black box had been spray painted years ago, while we had been bored one weekend, now the box was covered in red, blue and white stars, 'TOMS' sprayed on top, along with a few other symbols and words where there was space. Tom got out his red and white flying V guitar, checking that it was tuned as I came back over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder, telling him silently to stay there and listen to me. "you're not fine, you're nowhere near fine. You barely eat and sleep, or talk, or do anything actually. You can't tell me you think thats normal." I argued quietly, trying not to start to tell him how much I missed him, and how this was all effecting me. At the moment, I was lucky that my bracelets managed to hide the cuts on my wrist, if I got any worse, they were going to start to travel further up my arm, and I was already ashamed of the ones I already had.

"it is, I'm fine okay? Just drop it." Tom almost growled at me, falling onto the sofa in the corner of the room. I sighed loudly, he really seemed to hate me right now, it broke my heart. Tom was supposed to be my boyfriend, who wasn't going to go and do this to me, he was supposed to hold me close, tell me he loved me, smile and be geeky, nerdy, childish, hyper active, perfect Tom. He wasn't supposed to be like this, after everything he had been through over the years, he deserved and needed to be happy.

_Flashback 6th October2007_

_I was half asleep when I felt a weight press on the bed and arms wrap around my waist. "huh? Harry?" I mumbled, wondering why Harry was hugging me, probably missing Dougie who was sharing another hotel room across the hall with Tom. "no, Tom." Tom whispered, kissing my hair, waking me up. "hey, what are you doing here?" I smiled, turning around and facing my blonde boyfriend. "just swapped with Hazza, I knew he would miss Doug, and I missed you. I can't sleep without you in bed with me." Tom grinned, big and cheesy, like he had had a brilliant idea, and really, it was. _

_"I missed you too. Come here." I pulled his chin forward and kissed him gently, squeezing his narrow waist. To me, it felt too narrow, but I knew he was eating again, so it was okay. His decision to stop eating to lose weight had been the reason we were together in a way. My worry for him had caused an argument between us, and I had blurted out that I felt more than a brotherly type of love for Tom, and he had kissed me, and promised that as long as I loved him, he would eat. It was 6 months on from then, and Tom still hadn't broken his promise, he still ate, and he still loved me, well, I think he did. He hadn't said those 3 words to me yet, but I wasn't letting that get me down. _

_"Danny, we've been together 6 months today , thank you for telling me you loved me, or I wouldn't be this happy, maybe not even here." Tom whispered, holding my face in his hands, making me look at him, so he knew I was paying attention. I could tell he was going to say something big. "no problem Tommy, I love you, I couldn't keep it from you for much longer." I encouraged him some more by kissing him again, earning another smile. "I, I love you." Tom whispered, and my heart stopped. He looked so nervous now, fiddling with his glasses (he said he looked nerdy in them, I said he looked perfect). "are you serious?" I asked, grinning my biggest smile, probably looking crazy. "as serious as Marty McFly loved Jennifer Parker." Tom nodded, snuggling closer to my chest as I tightened my arms around him. "I love you too Tom!" I grinned, kissing his hair, feeling him relax against my body._

_Flashback end_

111 Harrys POV

As I set up my drum kit, I noticed Danny giving Tom longing looks across the room, while Tom was doing a valiant job keeping his eyes on his guitar, I heard someone sniffing back tears, and I had no idea which one it was. "Doug, the tension in here is killing those two, any ideas on how to cheer them up?" I asked in a whisper, leaning down next to my bass drum, fiddling with all my pedals. "no, lets hope that playing will help." Dougie shook his head, fiddling with the headband on his head.

"maybe, but, we'll try to cheer them up anyway. Come here, its come undone." I sighed, pulling Dougie closer and redoing up the headband, gently kissing his hair afterwards so he would calm down. Dougie always fiddled with his headband whenever he was nervous, or scared, or worried, and right now, he was all 3. "thanks, and I'll try my best." Dougie bit his lip, whimpering helplessly. "right boys, we need a song for you to sing on your first TV interview, something we haven't sung in a while, something to draw people in again." Fletch made us jump and I hit my head on my symbol, causing it to make a loud crash.

"ouch! Sh*t that hurt!" I shouted, clutching my head, seeing Danny hide a small giggle behind his hand. Trust him to laugh at my usual accident prone mishaps, well, at least he was laughing. Tom looked up at me, shrugged, and went back to fiddling with his guitar. "nice of you to join us Harry, next time maybe join us a little quieter?" Fletch joked, still not noticing that something was up with us. "whatever, that was painful!" I looked at the hand that had been clutching my head, no blood, but probably a huge bruise.

"anyway, we need one of your older songs, that really grabs people, you know?" Fletch carried on, clearly giving me that 'get on with it' warning. I glared at him, realising how mean he could be at times. "so any suggestions or am I going to have to start naming songs myself?" he asked, looking at our blank faces. "why can't we just use Shine A Light?" Danny suggested, also realising Fletchs lack of concern. "yeah, its the single that has sold the most copies. Why can't we use that one?" I agreed, handing Dougie his sparkly blue bass. "because we need a new single! You've had a year out and the fans are expecting something new, we need to grab their attention, and everybody elses and say 'we're back!' and we can't do that with an old single, now can we?" Fletch reasoned, I hated to admit it, but he had a point.


	57. Chapter 57

**xxPUDDxx - its okay, i had the exam hell last month, i understand how bad it is! good luck with them! **

112 Dougies POV

As Fletch waffled on about 'getting back into the music business with a bang' as he put it, I ran a hand through Harrys hair, subtly checking for injury. Luckily, he let me, just continued to sit on his stool and squeeze my hip, telling me he was fine silently. "so, none of you have any ideas at all for a new single?" Fletch sighed, giving up all a withering look, "Tom, your usually good with this, can you think of a song that would be good?" he turned to the quiet blonde, who was the only one who was paying any attention. "I, er, no. I'm getting a drink." Tom quickly answered and fled from the room, I think it was apparent to us all that he wasn't getting a drink. He had been looking a little panicky and emotional before he left, I could only hope he had gone to another room to calm himself down, and not running away.

"I better go follow him, so he doesn't get lost." Danny sighed, slowly shuffling towards the door with a pain filled whimper. I could tell his little talk with Tom hadn't gone so well, and now he was suffering on the inside. "no need Danny, I've got a guard to follow him round, we all know he won't get 'lost' by accident, don't we?" Fletch stopped him, confusing the three of us. "but, I thought you trusted Tom?" Danny asked, falling onto the sofa, on the exact spot Tom had sat on. "I'm not stupid boys, I don't 100% trust Tom yet. I know you locked him into his house, as he couldn't get out today or yesterday. I've organised to have a guard looking out for him whenever we go out, just in case. He's been given strict orders to keep Tom from running off at all costs." Fletch smiled, and I could feel us all relax, at least that one thing we wouldn't have to worry about.

The sound of footsteps alerted us to stop talking about that subject, and soon a guard pulled Tom in, holding onto his shoulder tightly. The guard was tall, and muscular, with short, spiked, brownish blonde hair, and blue eyes. "found him sitting by the door sir, thought you would want him back." His voice was slightly accented, American, I think. "thank you Paul. Right, guys, this is Paul, he is going to be keeping an eye on you when we go out, along with our usual guards." Fletch explained, giving us that look that meant 'this is Toms guard'. To be honest, Tom didn't look all too happy about having Pauls hand on him, or having him drag him places either. "we'll be fine from here Paul, you can go now." Fletch prompted after a few minutes, Paul let go, nodded to us, and walked out, though I suspected he wasn't going to be that far away.

"got your drink then Tom?" Fletch questioned, crossing his arms and putting on that face that really did say 'try and lie to me'. "yeah, I got my drink. Any decisions been made yet?" Tom snapped from annoyance back to happy go lucky again, how he did it I would never know. "no, we're still going though debates. Looks like we need a brand new song, have any?" Fletch sighed, he was the only one who was actually managing to talk to Tom, the rest of us still a bit too freaked out about his sudden personality changes to even try.

113 Toms POV

Eventually, we decided to try and finish up a few of the songs me and Danny had written recently, and see what one would be best to use. Then, we were luckily sent home, Paul ended up in the minivan with us too, sitting by the door and keeping a watchful eye on me constantly. I had felt all the guards keeping an eye on me when I had 'gone to get a drink' (more like sat in the toilet, pulling myself together, so I didn't panic). I had wanted to panic because Fletch had turned to me to give him an answer on what song to use. I couldn't make that decision, I would get it wrong, and we would never regain any of our credibility, or our fans. It would be impossible to forgive myself if that ever happened, so it was best if I just stayed out of it.

Behind me, I could hear Danny talking to Harry and Dougie about the new single, and getting back to work, they sounded so excited, so happy, it warmed my heart up a little. I had made the right choice, for once, I had made the right choice. Though, I did noticed that I wasn't being included in this conversation, I hadn't been included in any all day, apart from when Danny had tried to be nice earlier, now he seemed to have given up too. Fletch was the only one who spoke to me kindly, like I mattered, Paul had just growled at me and everyone else pretended like I wasn't even there. To them, I seemed invisible, and it hurt. It hurt a lot to know that they had just given up trying, though I couldn't really blame them. I had an inability to make good, nice conversation, or decisions, or anything really. Maybe it was best to ignore me.

"home! Right, we're going back to ours for a bit, what are you two doing?" Harry asked, finally looking at me. I just shrugged, I was probably going to sit in my thoroughly locked house and wallow in my own self misery, or try and make a happy song. Doing that was going to be near impossible, but I would try, not sure if it would actually work or not. "I'm going to do some song writing. We need a new song anyway." Danny sighed, waiting for Paul to open to door, then getting out, practically running into his house. I followed suit, whimpering loudly as Paul sent me a glare, before running into my house and slamming the door. He hadn't known me for more than a few hours and he already hated me. He just glared at me constantly, warning me to not provoke him. I had seen that look 100 times before, the look of hate, the look that clearly said 'step a toe out of line and you will be sorry'. We had never had any mean guards like this before, why did I all of a sudden have one who seemed to hate me already?

I jumped with a scream when the door knocked so suddenly it shattered my thoughts completely. Slowly, I opened the door a few inches and peered round, seeing Harry and Dougie. "hey, do you wanna come round ours? Maybe watch a film or something? We've neglected you for a while." Dougie asked, that guilty look he always had when he realised he had done something wrong filling his face. "n-no, I'm fine." I shook my head, knowing they really didn't want me in their house, wasting space. "you sure? Cause you can if you want, we'll make a night of it, get Dan round as well and have a sleepover type thing. Just like old times." Harry encouraged, I shook my head again. They felt guilty for ignoring me earlier and felt sorry for me because I was in the house on my own. I was fine, really, I was. I liked being on my own, I liked to be alone with my (dark, horrible, self depreciating but true) thoughts. "really, I'm fine. Go have fun yourselves, I'm going to head to bed anyway. I'll be fine." Even I surprised myself with such a long response, but I had to get used to it, I couldn't do a Dougie and give 1 word answers. It was fine for him to do it, he was the shy, cute one, who could get away with it. I was the 'leader' of this group, the sensible one, who knew the ins and outs of everything going on, I had to be more responsive.

"alright then, we'll leave the door unlocked, so just come round if you change your mind. The doors always open mate." Dougie sighed, turning to leave. I closed the door, counted the footsteps walking away, and cried. I wanted to go round, I wanted to spend time with the people I loved the most, I wanted to be happy. But if I was happy, no-one else was, which wasn't fair, I had to suffer to let them be happy, and it stung. I hated it, I hated feeling like this, I hated being in this life, I hated being me. I couldn't stand being me anymore, I hated me, I had to change myself, improve myself, make myself worthwhile of being here.


	58. Chapter 58

**quick reminder that if you don't have an account on here, you can tweet me corruptedpov or leave a message on my tumblr which is mcflycorruptedmypov :)****  
**

114 Dannys POV

The next day, I went round Toms to find him in the bedroom, getting changed. "whoa, sorry mate! Didn't realise you were getting changed! I'll just, go, wait downstairs." I quickly looked away, feeling so awkward again, like the night I stayed over. I had never had this problem before, I could always walk into Toms room without worrying if he was dressed or not, I had seen it all before, 100 times over. He wouldn't have cared either, would have let me come up and cuddle him, kiss him, having a normal conversation.

Tom instead squeaked and whirled around, clutching his tshirt to his chest, looking panicked. "sorry, I'll go downstairs, I didn't mean to walk in." I apologised, I still felt awkward after we kissed, and our conversation about it. "I-Its okay, I-I'll be a minute." Tom backed into his wardrobe, making sure I didn't see him properly, walking over not 30 seconds later, tshirt firmly on. "er, you ready then?" I asked, looking away again, wanting to run over and hug the poor boy, relive our old routines. "y-yeah, I'm ready." Tom nodded, coming downstairs with me, grabbing a backpack (giving me a mini panic attack) and getting into the minivan.

"ready for your photoshoot today boys?" Fletch asked the second we got into the van. "yeah, can't wait." I half heartedly replied, looking over at Tom, he had another fake smile put on his face, shoving his overgrown mop of blonde hair inside his beanie. "good, now Tom, we need to do something about your hair, we want to make a good impression, don't we?" Fletch made Tom freeze up, but nod. "good, and the papers will tear us to shreds with your hair looking like that, all over grown and greasy looking. So we best be giving it a cut before hand, right?" Fletch was speaking like Tom was stupid, it put my teeth on edge, he was not stupid, just...not right at the moment. "yeah, we best, sorry for not cutting it before." Tom sighed and looked down, trying to tuck the rest of it into his hat quickly. "its okay, you've been busy, we'll get it sorted today. Now where is Pudd? We have Flones." Fletch looked out the window, towards Harry and Dougies house, seeing no movement there.

"if those two are being lazy and laying in bed I will murder them." He got out his phone and called their house, barking at them to get their 'lazy, fat a*ses outside now before he physically dragged them outside'. "Fletch, why are you so angry?" I asked, getting a bit worried. What if he got annoyed with Tom, for whatever reason? I didn't want him to be scared, or shouted at, just for a misunderstanding. "I'm not angry, its just that if your not tough on those two they will never get out of bed." Fletch sighed, I eyed him suspiciously, he wasn't telling us everything.

Soon, Harry and Dougie ran out of their house, jumping into the minivan, looking quite sweaty and worn out. "finally, what took you so long?" Fletch glared as the car drove off, not even waiting for us all to get settled. "sorry Fletch! You know how long it takes to feed the pets and everything! We over slept a little so we were late!" Harry explained, it was true, feeding all...20 odd pets (including lizards, snakes, dogs...and a frog) took a while, so it was understandable that they were a few minutes late. "wake up earlier next time! Now come on, game faces people, we have a photoshoot to do." Fletch growled, making us all share a confused look between us, why was Fletch so angry?

115 Harrys POV

Fletch had never been so angry with us for being 2 minutes late before, I put his anger down to stress, we were about to go on our first photo shoot in about 18 months. I guessed it would be kind of stressful for him, having to look after 4 guys, one of which was likely to panic or something. "now boys, I need you to behave today, we're putting on a good impression, to show that everything is fine. We'll get there and Mellissa is going to give you all a needed hair cut first, then we're getting on with the shoot, okay? No time to muck about and be stupid, alright?" Fletch warned sternly as we drove up to the large building.

"yeah yeah, we know the drill Fletch. No mucking about, do what we're asked, we haven't been in the business for a year, we haven't forgotten everything." I rolled my eyes sarcastically, if Fletch was going to treat us like idiots, then I was going to be sarcastic to him, because it wound me up that he thought that we had forgotten everything and that we couldn't be trusted to behave. We may have been playful and excitable, but we weren't stupid, we knew what we were doing. Also, with everything going on, I think we were going to be just fine with behaving and not acting like kids.

"boys! Oh I have missed you so much! How have you been?" Mellissa, our hair/make up stylist/adoptive aunt run up and practically jumped on us, trying to hug the 4 of us at the same time. "alright, we've survived." Danny laughed a little, hiding the seriousness of the fact that, yeah, we have just survived. "well good, and oh Tom, don't you dare ever do something like that again, okay? You scared me and everyone else half to death! Next time you have a problem, come straight to me and I'll slap whoever upset you myself. Now come here, Aunt Mellissa needs a hug." She bounced from Danny to Tom, wrapping him into her arms while still using that firm tone that really showed she meant it.

"I won't, okay? Don't worry about me, I'll be okay from now on." Tom one arm hugged her back, holding onto the backpack in his other hand. "you better not run away like that again, and like I said, I'll set straight anyone who upsets you, including these three here." She sent us a half meant glare, before dragging us off to our dressing room, complaining that she had her work cut out on us today.


	59. Chapter 59

**xxPUDDxx - i read somewhere that he did have a frog at some point, and it fits with him so well haha xD **

116 Toms POV

"alright, I'll start on Tom first, you three, out." Mellissa ordered, sending the others out, without much protest at all. "now what are we going to do with you, to make this mess look presentable." She turned back to me and sighed, crossing her arms, looking disgusted at my hair. "I-I'm sorry, I should have had it cut before. Its just, I've been...busy." I apologised, coughing to try and clear my throat a little, I still sounded croaky. "its okay, its my job to make you lot look presentable. Sit down, we'll have a chat while I sort this out. I'll cut it Radio:ACTIVE style, okay? So its not a complete shock because all this lengths been suddenly cut off." Mellissa smiled, pushing me down into a chair, right in front of a mirror. D*mn, I hated mirrors.

I avoided looking at myself the whole time, just nodding and shrugging to whatever Mellissa said, not really wanting to talk. "Tom, you're not alright, are you?" she hit the nail on the head there. "I am, I'm just nervous, you know? First shoot in over a year, that is kick starting the band again. Its nerve wracking." That was half the truth, I was nervous for the shoot, I knew I didn't look okay still (I never had looked okay, so I didn't know why I was worrying now) and I just wasn't exactly excited to be stared at for a morning. "nerves never stopped Tom Fletcher before, especially when it comes to his band and his dreams. Whats up?" Mellissa thankfully put her scissors away, sitting on the counter where all her styling bits were, facing me. "nothing, I'm fine, its nerves. I haven't been around people, cameras, or anything for a year. I think I'm allowed to be nervous." I tried to be nice, but really, I just didn't want to talk about this.

I was scared, and nervous, what if I looked disgusting, or ill, it would draw all the wrong kind of attention. We didn't want, or need, any kind of bad attention, we needed good attention. There was of course going to be some bad comments because of me, but at least, if I looked like nothing had happened, it would lesson a little. I was terrified they would make me wear short sleeves, or anything that was revealing in anyway, I didn't want people to see my pale skin, my cuts, or anything. I wanted to go hide in a room by myself with those scissors.

"okay, your nervous, I get that. You just look like your going to throw up. If your not ready, I'm sure Fletch and the guys will understand, we'll reschedule for another day. Don't push yourself too far, its not like all this is going to go away if you admit to needing more time." Mellissa didn't understand the half of it. I couldn't ask for more time off now, it would only cause more trouble, I had made so many people get up and come here today, there was a studio being set up now, if I back out now, then it would all go wrong. Everyone would get so annoyed with me, the people setting everything up probably wouldn't get paid, and Fletch would have such a go at me, because I was messing him around.

"I'll be fine. If I don't go out there now, I never will, and I won't throw up. I can keep my food down, don't worry." I tried a smile, succeeding, then let Mellissa carry on making me look a least a little presentable. At the end, I still looked like death warmed up, and ridiculous, all scrawny and weird angles. I shuddered, lets hope I was at the back today, and for the rest of my life. The last time I had been at the front had been our last photo shoot before I ran off. I couldn't even look at the pictures, I looked so, so awful, like I was actually deformed. The magazine had picked up on it too, and as usual, taken the p*ss. They had called me the-one-who-used-to-be-fat, the-one-who-was-trying-too-hard-to-fit-in, and the worst one, the-one-who-was-there-only-because-he-can-write-songs. They had ripped me, us, to shreds, had basically written an article on how much I didn't fit in, how much I didn't really deserve to be here. It had broken my heart, shattered it from existence. It had shattered me, but opened my eyes to the truth at the same time. That had decided it, after receiving so much abuse over the years for being the odd one out, that had been the last straw, the reason as to why I ran away.

117 Dougies POV

Eventually, the door opened and we were all allowed back into the dressing room. Tom had changed his clothes, and obviously had his hair cut. It was now back to the style he had in Radio:ACTIVE, long with a sweeping fringe over his eyes. "right, I'll have Danny next, you two go get changed." Mellissa ordered before we could even say anything, so we followed orders, getting changed into whatever clothes there were on the rack. Tom was sitting on the windowsill, looking outside, biting his finger nails to shreds. So I pulled Harry over and sat down with the blonde, pulling his fingers away from his mouth.

"stop that, you'll hurt yourself." I whispered gently, keeping the warning there, but trying to make it sound like I wasn't angry at him, because I wasn't. "sorry, nerves." Tom whimpered, and it made me glad that he was talking more now. "its okay, just calm down. It'll be alright. Its just another photo shoot. Nothing more, nothing less, you'll be fine." I smiled, squeezing his hands before he took them away, crossing his arms across his chest.

We all took turns in encouraging Tom that everything would be okay today, and we were sure we would be allowed to have breaks if he needed one. Fletch led us out and through into the set, where we met the photographer, he seemed nice enough, but I wasn't sure if he would tolerate any of us mucking about too much. "right, the main idea of this shoot is to really say 'Toms back.' That your all still together and nothing has changed." I heard Tom whimper quietly to himself behind us all, "so I'm thinking that we need some shots of you all playing about and being yourselves, and a few solo shots, we'll see how we go." The photographer, whose name was Misha Collins, rubbed his hands together. I sighed, looks like a day of fake smiling and pretending that everything was okay. I just wanted to scream out that everything was wrong, nothing was right in any way, we shouldn't have been doing this, we should have been at home, making sure Tom was well rested and healthy again, not doing a photo shoot!

"Dougs, we'll get through this, just deep breaths okay?" Harry whispered in my ear, rubbing my side, carefully bringing me with him on the set. "I don't want to be here, not now, not when everything is wrong." I whispered back, giving him large puppy eyes. "I know, but at the moment, Toms improving already, he's talking right now. Just go with it, he might get better now if we give him our old lives. We'll see how this goes, we'll see if this helps." Harry reasoned, kissing my hair gently, ignoring the camera going off.


	60. Chapter 60

**xxPUDDxx- haha! and yeah, at least he's talking, but, for how long? ;)**

118 Harrys POV

At first, we just did a few shots of us standing in a group, arms around Tom, who was in the centre of us all. I could tell he felt awkward at the attention, but was hiding it brilliantly. To an outsider, Tom looked happy and normal, if just a little shy. Then, the photographer had the 'brilliant' idea that we lifted him up on our shoulders, basically carrying him. We all froze up on that one, that wasn't the best idea ever, not with Tom feeling so self conscious, he hated being the centre of attention, none of us wanted to make him the one everyone was looking at.

"it'll be fine boys! I'm sure the three of you can lift him up, he's tiny!" Misha rolled his eyes, making motions with his hands for us to pick Tom up. "but, what if we drop him?" I asked, looking at Danny, who was biting his lip in worry, scratching at his arm. "I'm sure you won't! You'll be fine, now get going! Lift him up and we'll get snapping again!" Misha encouraged, grinning like mad at us all. "guys, you'll be fine, you've never had a problem lifting each other up before, this isn't any different. Toms probably lighter than Dougie, so you're not going to drop him." Fletch gave us all a stern look, warning us to just do it.

"fine, gunna be okay Tom?" Danny sighed, awkwardly trying to figure out where to put his hands. "y-yeah, I think." Tom nodded, hesitantly putting his hands on mine and Dannys shoulders, letting us lift him onto our shoulders. "there we go! Now Dougie, could you do something too? God this is difficult with four of you." Misha started snapping more photos, Dougie looked around, he had no idea either. Wherever he went, he looked awkward and out of place, so in the end just stood back and let me and Danny carry Tom, playfully lifting him up higher until he cried out (I wasn't sure if it was in pain, fear or joy).

119 Toms POV

I was released eventually, and I finally relaxed a little more when my feet where on firm ground again, its not like I didn't trust the guys...okay, I didn't. I trusted them to not drop me, by accident or on purpose. But I didn't trust them to keep their hands away from my arms, if they felt any cuts, they could have dropped me from shock. Then I would have to deal with the accusations, and possible broken bones. I bruised so easily at the moment, I didn't know if I could break easier as well.

"right, solo shots! Tom you're up first." Misha called, I held back another whimper. Why was he focusing on me? I didn't get why he was focusing on me so much, unless he was like the other magazine, wanting them to rip me to shreds. I knew the magazines were trying to not-so-gently hint that I didn't belong here, but I didn't get why, when I already knew I didn't belong, I didn't really belong anywhere to be honest. "hey, stop looking so sullen! Cheer up Tom!" Misha caught me, so I straightened my back and put on another smile. "sorry, I'm a bit tired, didn't get much sleep last night." I wasn't lying there, I didn't sleep at all last night, worrying too much about today.

Misha made me stand in the middle of the set, telling me to look casual and happy. I honestly tried to as well, but I didn't know how to look casual, I was too stressed, too anxious, too in need of a razor blade. The thoughts of blood were circling round my head like the blood as it slipped down the drain the shower, which was panicking me, I wasn't used to not being able to just run and cut, waiting was tearing my nerves apart. And every time someone looked at me, I couldn't help but have a little voice inside my head scream run away! They think your disgusting! It made me want to cry, to just break down in tears on the floor, in the middle of the room.

"come on Tom! Give me something to work with! Smile for gods sake!" Misha warned, glaring at me. "I-I'm sorry! I-I'm trying!" I whimpered, knowing I was letting everyone down right now. "try harder." Misha glared, this was it, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I hated the pressure that was being put on me, I couldn't smile, I was trying, I really was, but I couldn't! I couldn't smile, or relax. Right now, I just wanted a cuddle off someone, a certain someone from Bolton who would tell me it would be okay. "your doing well Tom! We're proud of you!" Harry called, grinning widely at me. Dougie made his Chewbacca noise, grinning at me too. They were trying to make me smile, relax me a little, it broke my heart. Wait, where was Danny?

"don't cry baby, please don't. Look who I got you, it'll be over soon, I promise." Danny made me jump by wrapping his arms around me from behind, slipping Mickey Mouse into my hands. How the hell did he find him? I had hidden him in my backpack, because I was silly and childish and needed the toy to feel okay. "you're doing well, we're all behind you, just relax a bit, stop shaking." Danny placed a burning kiss to my shoulder, before letting me go and walking back to the sidelines again. And stupidly, that d*mn kiss, hug, and presence of a toy was enough to relax me a little bit. The urge to cry went a little, and I didn't feel so panicked. I cursed Danny and his fake love, and my stupid love for him, my legs felt like jelly now he had kissed me. Why wasn't I over him yet?!


	61. Chapter 61

120 Dannys POV

I was glad Tom hadn't pulled away when I hugged him, but I guessed that was because we were in front of people, he wasn't just warming back up to me. He was still on the verge of crying, and it was killing me. "right, I'm calling a break. Everyone get lunch, come back in an hour. Tom please try to cheer up, we're trying to say your fine now, this isn't helping." Misha threw a withering look at Tom, making him looking at his shoes in what looked like shame. "I'm sorry." Tom whispered, shuffling towards the dressing room again, the perfect image of a broken man.

"Tom! Wait up! Lunch is this way!" I ran his way, grabbing his shoulder, pulling at it. I didn't want him on his own, I knew what I was like on my own after something stressful, I didn't want him in the same position. "I-I'm not hungry. I n-need alone time now." Tom whimpered, pulling out of my arms and carrying on to the dressing room. "no, come with us. It'll do you some good to be around people, and to eat something, settle your stomach a little. Come on, Misha was being a right a*se to you, it was out of order, I bet you Harry and Dougie are taking the p*ss out of him right now. That'll make you laugh." I pleaded, dragging him with me anyway. Tom followed without complaint, just followed along behind like he would have before, so I decided to risk it. Slowly, I trailed my hand down his right arm, reaching his hand and entwining his fingers with mine. But, Tom pulled away, shoving his hand deep inside his pocket, the other still clinging to Mickey, exactly like Carrie had told me he used to when he was a kid.

I sighed, but carried on walking, leading Tom to the table full of food. I piled on a few things for myself, and put some of Toms favourite things on another plate for him, leading to the table Harry and Dougie were on. "hey, mate, that dude was well out of order to you, totally not fair on you, don't listen to him, okay?" Dougie smiled, looking like a bright ray of sunshine as he took a huge bite of pasta. "yeah, don't listen to him, okay? He knows jack sh*t, don't take it to heart." Harry joined in, rubbing Dougies arm, obviously he had been worried by Mishas words.

"I'm not, don't worry." Tom tried a smile again, clearly lying through his teeth. "good, and if he insists on smiling, we'll give him a hard time on our turns." I winked, I knew Harry and Dougie could cause hell when they wanted to, and they would in revenge for Tom. "yeah, we'll cause hell if he is still an a*se to you." Harry promised, sending an evil look to Dougie, who grinned back, the usual sign of 'I'm up to no good'. "we'll chuck fruit into the central heating in the dressing room again, that'll wind them up!" Dougie giggled, nuzzling into Harrys side, looking like that, he could actually pull off looking innocent.

121 Harrys POV

The rest of lunch was spent planning out different forms of revenge if Misha carried on putting Tom down, most of which Tom ignored, playing innocently with the food on his plate. I kept a watchful eye on him, he had 2 mouthfuls. At least it was something, it might have helped calm down his nervous state, he seemed calmer already, but I wasn't sure if it was just time out causing the calmness.

Misha called us all in again so we piled in, reluctantly letting Tom wonder off on his own to the set, while we stood on the 'outskirts' watching him try to relax. "are we more relaxed now Tom? Think you can smile for us, without the toy?" Misha was pushing his luck, he still looked annoyed, and his glaring look wasn't exactly helping Toms nerves. "can't I keep it? Please, can I keep it?" Tom used the big doe eyes that always made him look 3 years younger, clutching the toy close to his chest. "its covering you up, we want to see you, not a toy. If you really want it, hold it at your side or something, not right in front of you." Misha explained, still looking very put out at Tom. Didn't he understand what this must have been like for him? This was our first shoot in over a year, the past year had probably been the toughest year of Toms life and he still wasn't recovered. He didn't need being shouted at, which was only heightening his nerves, he needed someone to gently talk to him, tell him he was doing well, that we were proud of him.

Slowly, Tom lowered his hand, still trying to relax and smile. "this isn't working, its not ever going to work, he's too nervous! What are we going to do?" Danny whispered, biting at his lip. "we can try and calm him down, or make him laugh. Danny you're the one who makes Tom laugh the most, think you can do it now?" I asked, giving Danny a pleading look. "I can try, though usually I don't realise what I'm doing thats making him laugh." Danny sighed, trying to come up with something.

Eventually, Danny came up with his usual bad puns, and singing our songs in that way that always made Tom cringe, but smile at the same time. Currently, Danny was singing 'Obviously' in a slightly operatic voice, which was making us laugh. Misha was sending us dirty looks for mucking about, and so was Fletch, Tom himself was half way to cracking a smile, so it was worth it. "anything else, we're almost there!" I asked as Danny finished, he looked lost. Then, Dougie, being the mischievous little one he could be, had a great idea. He came up behind Danny, bulldog clip in his hand, and stuck it on Dannys ear, making him cry out in pain. "oi! Get back here you little b*gger!" Danny shouted, running off after a hysterically giggling Dougie, catching him within in seconds and tickling him to within an inch of his life. I was soon joining in, making Dougie scream in laughter.

Then, we heard over our laughter, someone else giggling, turning around, we found it was Tom! He was giggling, we did it! We made him smile, and not just smile, giggle! He looked like a child, as he stood there giggling, holding Mickey in his hands, wearing, as I now noticed, one of his Star Wars tshirts.


	62. Chapter 62

**xxPUDDxx - haha! *virtual hugs you* well we'll have to see if this mood continues or if it goes away again xD**

122 Dougies POV

Eventually, Misha got enough pictures of Tom giggling, and told one of us to swap with him, so Danny reluctantly got up and swapped. Tom headed towards us for once, and we stopped our tickle war, looking up at him, seeing what he wanted to say. "erm, I'm going to the dressing room for a while. In case I'm needed again." Tom mumbled, before heading over to the dressing room, pulling the toy he was still clinging to towards his chest. "I'm following him, I don't want him on his own." I sighed, wriggling out of Harrys arms and getting up, pulling him with me.

"awesome job out there Tom, Misha has got some really good photos." I smiled, not really sure on what to say to him. "I'm sorry, that it took so long. I'll do better next time." Tom whispered, curling up in the corner of the room like he normally would. "don't worry about it, sometimes it just takes a little time to get back into the swing of things. And there's no need to worry about doing better next time, just do stuff the best you can, you'll get used to it again soon." Harry encouraged, shuffling us both over until we were sat on either side of Tom, surrounding him in the hope he would feel less isolated.

"I'm still sorry." Tom mumbled, biting at his fingers. "already forgiven mate." I knew he would just say he was sorry over and over, so I thought it was better to say he was forgiven. "Misha wants one of you now, he's done with me." Danny came in and fell down next to Harry. "I'll go next, be back in a minute." Harry got up, running out to do his solo shoot. "so hows the party in here?" Danny smiled, crossing his legs and getting comfy. "we're alright, aren't we?" I replied, nudging Toms side, encouraging him to say something. "yeah, sorry, for not being able to smile. Nerves kicked in, you know?" Tom apologised again, staring at Mickey Mouse, like he was trying to decide something.

"its okay, its been a year, nothing you can help. You did well out there, once you got going, you were on fire." Danny encouraged, pulling Toms fingers from his mouth before he actually chewed them off, "you hungry Tom? Cause I'm sure there's more food out there if you want some, and if not, we can get something from somewhere." He continued, rubbing Toms knee until he straightened his leg and pulled it away. "not hungry, just nervous." Tom fiddled with his fingers, pulling off any loose nails off.

123 Toms POV

I was lying when I said I wasn't hungry, I was starving, I was surprised my stomach wasn't growling at me, but secretly quite glad too. I didn't want to eat, I didn't deserve the food around here, I had seen it, fresh, hot, perfectly cooked. How could I eat that? I couldn't, I just couldn't. "ah, okay. I'll still get you something anyway, just in case." Danny jumped up, leaving me and Dougie alone. "its gunna be my turn in a minute, then I think we're going home, at last. Today has kinda dragged, hasn't it?" Dougie sent me that look, meaning it was my fault today was dragging because I couldn't smile and act happy properly. "yeah, a bit." I agreed half heartedly, not knowing why I was actually trying to speak right now. It just made me feel a little better, talking to people, I felt human.

"got you an apple, everything else has gone unfortunately." Danny sighed, handing me the red apple. I stared at it for a few moments, seeing how it was shining slightly in the florescent lights. "Dougs, swap over." Harry walked in, kissing his husband gently as they passed, whispering something in his ear. Then he dropped down in Dougies old place. "we'll be home in an hour I recon, Doug wont take long." Harry smiled, putting an arm around my shoulders. "better make sure I have everything then." I stood back up, making sure I had all of my stuff I had brought.

Harry had been right, Dougie only took about 20 minutes (less than a third of the time it took for me) and we bundled into the car again, finally going home. Paul was still there, keeping his beady eyes on me. It freaked me out so much. "hey Tom, wanna help me with a song I'm trying to tweak tonight? I need a bit of help." Danny asked, probably picking up on my unease under Pauls gaze. "I cant, not tonight." I shook my head, gaining everyones attention, perfect. "why not?" Danny looked confused. "er, I just, want a night to cool down, you know? I'm not used to that many people." I lied, I wanted to go home and vent my anger at myself. I shouldn't have almost cried, I should have just pretended to smile, I should have done so many things, but I didn't. It made me so angry with myself, I just needed some time to vent anger.

"well, alright, tomorrow then? We have a free day, don't we?" Danny suggested, looking to Fletch for confirmation. "yeah, free day tomorrow." Fletch nodded, fixing me with another glare. He had seemed so nice before Christmas, he had just turned suddenly, it scared me. "yeah, we'll write tomorrow." I looked away from his glare, always the weaker one to the master of our group. "okay, cool. I'll tweak a few tonight, see if I can finish more than one." Danny smiled, rubbing my back gently. I inwardly cringed, but welcomed the feeling of comfort. "alright, I'll tweak a few of mine then." I strictly warned myself to not lean into that large hand, or lean back onto him, or do anything stupid like that.

"awesome, well, we're home, see you three later, good day today." Danny practically ran out of minivan the second it parked, Fletch stopped him. "I'm going to talk to you in a minute, so stay there." Fletch warned him, grabbing his right arm, Danny held in a wince, paling a little. "well, we'll be seeing you Tom, good shoot today, we're proud of you." Harry gave me a quick hug before him and Dougie set off back to their own house. "see you Tommy, I'll bring my lyric book over, your choice of song to work on." Danny smiled shakily, yanking on Fletchs hand, trying to get out of his grip. "yeah, thanks, I'll show you mine too." I replied, going inside the empty house I called mine. I sighed, why couldn't I have said yes to Danny coming round? That way I wouldn't feel so lonely.


	63. Chapter 63

**xxPUDDxx - well, we'll have to wait and see if Tom ever finds out about Danny, and how it'll affect him ;)**

124 Dannys POV

Fletch kept a painful hold on my arm the whole time he was talking to me, the pain was getting worse and worse, he was holding my cuts, and my god it hurt. "Fletch, let go of my s*dding arm will you?!" I yanked it away at last, sure something was bleeding now. I was lucky I had a shirt and jacket on, or I was so screwed. "I want you to listen to me Danny, your letting Tom slip away more. Will you just talk to him, give him some encouragement, tell him he's loved or whatever." Fletch glared, crossing his arms. "I am not letting slip away, okay? If anything, he's getting better, he wouldn't talk to me before, but now he is." I knew Fletch was right, but I was arguing with him because he was winding me right up, thinking I didn't know Tom was slipping away.

"he has always been talking don't lie to me Danny. What isn't normal is him hiding in the dressing room in a corner, that isn't normal behaviour, is it? We want the impression that your alright, and that isn't helping." Fletch glared at me more, he usually looked like a weedy man, but with a glare fixed on his face, Fletch was nasty looking. "can you blame him though? Misha was an a*se to Tom, of course he was hiding! Its the first time Toms been around that many people in a year, he was terrified! He'll be fine, okay? I'll make sure he is." I glared right back, not scared of him. "yes Misha was an a*se to him, but I don't care, just talk to him, okay? And get your relationship back on track, tell him you love him or something, just get him back, okay?" Fletch stopped the argument by getting into the car and slamming the door.

I muttered a few choice swear words under my breath and stormed into my house. Did Fletch actually think it was that easy, and that I hadn't already tried to tell him that I loved him? Did he honestly think that I wouldn't try to get our relationship back straight away? And people said I was thick! I hated Fletch sometimes, I really did. I hated that he also right, I would have to talk to Tom, about the kiss, about our relationship, about everything. I would do it tomorrow, when I went round to write songs together. Hell, we might even get a song out of it too.

The next morning, after discovering that Fletch had made my arm bleed, I bandaged it all up, covering it with a long sleeve tshirt, shirt and jacket (you could never be too careful) and made my way to Toms, lyric book in hand. "hey, you ready to write some kick-ass songs?" I smiled a little upon finding Tom laying on his front room floor, watching cartoons in his pyjamas. He turned to look at me, eyes widening when he realised his state of dress. "no, I need to, er, change, right now." Tom sprinted from the room, thumping up the stairs. "but you look cute in pyjamas." I sighed to the air, because Tom really did. He had been wearing his popcorn bottoms (girls, but Tom always said they were comfier than mens, when really, he liked the fact that they had popcorn on them) and his old NASA tshirt, that he had worn in the Star Girl video. I had always thought Tom looked so cute first thing in the morning, as he still wandered around in his pyjamas, his hair still an untidy mess, glasses framing that perfect face.

I shook my head from ramblings and sat down on the sofa, picking Marvin up as he walked past. "is your daddy okay? He doesn't seem okay to me, is he okay with you?" I whispered, stroking the ginger fluff ball. Marvin didn't answer me, but let me scratch him behind the ears, which was a comfort. The shower went off upstairs and not 10 minutes later, Tom was back downstairs with me, and wow, he looked stunning. Dark blue skinny jeans hugging his legs, a black long sleeve tshirt with his red checked shirt over the top, and the ridiculously cute grey hat. If he had worn that 18 months ago he wouldn't have been able to speak through me kissing him, I could barely contain myself now. Though, if me talking to him went well, then I can tell you, Tom was being kissed thoroughly until he almost passed out!

125 Toms POV

I nervously sat down on the stool by my piano, grabbing a guitar just in case and holding onto my lyric book like it was my anchor to the world. I didn't even know why I was so nervous, maybe I was still a little nervous after yesterdays disaster of a photo shoot. "Tom, before I show you a few songs, can I talk to you?" Danny made me groan, here we go again. "there's nothing to talk about." I muttered and looked away, making sure my straightened fringe was covering my face. "yes, there is. We need to talk about us, about that kiss, about our relationship. I know that its hard at the moment, but if we talk about things, we can get back to our relationship. If you don't want it right now, then I understand, but I want to at least talk about how you feel about all this mess, how you feel about me." Danny persisted, pressing his fingers to my cheek, pushing it towards him.

"I don't want to talk about it, I want to write songs, like you said we would." I refused to look at him, if I looked at him, he would see everything in my eyes, find out all about my love for him and I wouldn't be able to fight it. "we will, but I want talk to you first, your not getting out of it either." Danny sounded so determined, so I gave in, knowing him, he wouldn't let me leave until I blurted something. "okay, talk away." I sighed, hoping to get out of this unscathed, without having another fake relationship or a broken heart, good luck with that one.

"well, how do you feel about that kiss?" Danny asked, did he have to ask that question? How the hell was I supposed to lie and not say that was the greatest moment of the past few months? "erm, I dunno." I settled with that, it didn't reveal too much. "really? Tom, your the one who is good at expressing feelings and stuff, I'm sure you know how you feel." Since when did Danny become perceptive to my emotions?! "I don't know, okay? I really don't know!" I wanted to tell him that I loved it, and I wished he would kiss me again, but I couldn't, Danny was taken, it would be a lie.

Danny seemed to read my mind then, as his lips pressed to mine again, letting me experience probably one of the greatest kisses I had ever had. I didn't resist this time, I kissed him back, gripping my seat so I didn't grab him and pull him closer and hold him to me forever. "well, how did that make you feel?" Danny asked as we broke apart, stroking my face gently. "I-I can't, I'm sorry, I can't." I stood up and made to run, but Danny grabbed me back, yanking me painfully to sit back down. "no, no more running. You've run away far too much already. Tell me Tom, you enjoyed that, didn't you?" Danny put his hands on my shoulders, pressing me down on the seat as I started to shake.

"yes! I loved that kiss okay? I love all your kisses and I'm sorry! I am so sorry that I do, I am so sorry." I finally blurted, bursting into tears, feeling so guilty for being so in love with Danny that I couldn't even resist kissing him anymore. "there's nothing to be sorry about baby. Now, do you still love me?" Danny was probably smiling, but I couldn't look at him through guilt. He hadn't noticed I was crying yet, I was keeping it that way. I couldn't nod at his question, because if I did, he would pretend to be my lover again and the last year would have been pointless, I would be back to square one. I had given away too much already anyway, I couldn't let anything more out. "Tom, please, answer me, do you still love me?" Danny prodded, thumb stroking my shoulder.

I caved and nodded, a small 'I'm sorry' leaking out as well, I just couldn't take it anymore. The pressure to stay out of it and distance myself from the only man I had ever loved like this had gotten too much, I had to tell him that I loved him. "aw baby, its okay, I love you too! Come here, its all okay now, I'm here for you now, I'm here forever." Danny wrapped his arms around me, picking us up so we were standing, his perfect lips pressing to my unworthy neck.


	64. Chapter 64

**xxPUDDxx - haha! i'm glad i pleased you with the last add xD we'll just have to see if that happiness lasts for them *innocent face***

126 Dougies POV

The next day, me and Harry went round to Toms to see if we could help with some of the song writing, and were greeted with quite a shock. Tom was asleep on the floor in his music room, and Danny was behind him, pressed close together, Dannys long tattooed arm around Toms small waist! "whoa, whats happened here?" I asked, staring at the...couple? judging by the look on Dannys face they were a couple, he looked so unbelievably happy right now, cuddled up to Toms smaller frame. "do you think they talked everything through and realised they love each other again?" Harry suggested, I shrugged a maybe, leaning down to shake Danny awake.

"huh? What do you want?" Danny mumbled, then realised who he was cuddling and grinned. "did you guys get back together?" Harry nodding his head towards Tom, who was still sleeping, arm resting on his guitar. "yeah, we did! We're back together again!" Danny confirmed, grinning so wide his face was going to split in half. "aw, congratulations! Your going to have to give us the full story later, but for now, we'll get you some breakfast and you can wake up sleepy." I stood up again and left Danny to wake Tom up, instead I helped Harry make us all some breakfast.

"wait a minute, there's nothing in these cupboards! Look!" Harry opened up all the cupboards to find them all empty. Literally, there was nothing in every single one, not even an old out of date packet of cereal. "sh*t, where the hell did all the food go?" I looked in all the other cupboards, finding nothing but dust, hell I even checked the bin, finding absolutely nothing in there. "Harry, you don't think Tom hasn't eaten anything for days?" I whispered, terrified it was true.

"I don't know, I hope not." Harry bit his lip, as footsteps were heard on the stairs. "sorry guys, there's no breakfast cause there's no food!" I called through, nervously waiting for Tom to come through so we could talk about this. "what do you mean there's no food? Of course there's food!" Danny pulled Tom in behind him, jaw dropping at the empty cupboards.

127 Harrys POV

"Tom, where did all the food go?" Danny asked, turning Toms face so he was facing him, holding a hand on his cheek. "ate it." Tom shrugged, looking quite ashamed of himself. "when did you run out?" I found a jar of marmite right at the back of a cupboard, then found it was out of date. "er, yesterday." Tom shrugged, letting Danny wrap him into a hug. "aw, baby you should have told me! I could have gotten you some food." Danny was still smiling, stroking Toms hair gently. I think he was too ecstatic from yesterdays confession to stop smiling. "we were busy yesterday." Tom answered simply, hesitantly wrapping his arms around Dannys skinny frame.

"okay, good point. Right, we'll go round mine then, there's food there. Then, we'll go order some food for here as well, okay?" Danny pulled back, but then leaned in to kiss Tom gently, pulling him even closer. "we'll get it going while you two eat each other." I teased, slapping Dannys head and ruffling Toms hair as we passed. They didn't even realise, carried on kissing each other, clutching at each other almost hesitantly, but somehow still tightly.

Me and Dougie wandered round to Dannys house, feeding the dogs and setting out some cereal for the new couple. "we'll talk about the whole no food thing later. Let them be happy for a while." I sighed, knowing Danny would freak out if it turned out Tom wasn't even eating at all.

The door opened and closed, and seconds later, the new couple stumbled in, still hugging, well, Danny was holding Tom close. Tom was mostly letting himself be pulled into the Boltoners arms, smiling softly. "ah there's cereal? Cheers guys, I'm starving." Danny smiled, grabbing a bowl and starting to wolf down the Rice Crispies. Tom himself started to eat his cereal too, he was slower than Danny, but he still thankfully ate something. It looked like getting back with Danny was already effecting him and making him better, which was already a good sign.


	65. Chapter 65

**xxPUDDxx - weeeeeeeell, i'll have to see about that mwhahahahahaha! but thank you! :D**

* * *

128 Dannys POV

Later on in the day, I was sat back Toms sofa, my arm slung around his shoulders, playing with his the longer hair at his neck. We had ordered some more food, had gotten the food, had eaten some of it too and were now relaxing on the sofa. "hey, want me to stay over tonight, or come back to mine?" I asked, sliding my hand down his arm to his waist, squeezing gently. "erm, I'd like to be on my own tonight, if thats okay." Tom shifted in my hold, turning so my hand was nearer his back than his front. "yeah, alright then. Are we going slowly then?" I smiled to hide my disappointment, I wanted to spend another night curled up around Tom, hearing him breathe, listening to his heart beat, letting his warmth warm me up. "yeah, this time, its going to be different. Its going to be better." Tom sighed, he looked nervous, but happy at the same time. Sometimes, Tom really confused me.

The day carried on normally, because we had another day off to supposedly do some writing, which we didn't do. All I wanted to do was spend that day with Tom, hold him, kiss him, love him like I used to, but better, because I messed up last time. This time I was proving that I was a good boyfriend, I was the boyfriend that Tom deserved, who gave him everything he wanted and never let him be sad.

"so, I'll be seeing you tomorrow then?" I smiled at the door, holding onto a few more minutes with my boyfriend. God that felt good to say that, and mean Tom, he was my perfect boyfriend again, and that was the best feeling in the word. "yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. We could do some writing or something." Tom half smiled back, and for once, it was a genuine smile.

"sounds good to me. Now, do I get a goodnight kiss?" I giggled, leaning up a little and kissing Tom anyway, feeling my heart start pounding almost dangerously. Even though I still seemed to be putting in more effort into the kiss, kissing Tom was the best thing I probably had ever done. Especially after not being able to kiss him for over 16 months, this was probably the greatest moment I had experienced. "goodnight Danny." Tom whispered when we broke apart, looking away from me shyly. "goodnight Tom, I love you, see you in the morning!" I kissed him gently again, before going home with a huge smile on my face, the thoughts of cutting and self harm far away from my mind.

129 Toms POV

I couldn't believe I was doing this! How the hell did I let myself admit to Danny that I still loved him? Now he was pretending to love me again and everything I had tried to stop had failed! Why the hell did I say yes?! I should have said no, I should have lied, just like I usually lied. But because of Dannys big blue innocent eyes, I couldn't lie to him, I just couldn't lie. Now, I was either going to have to change drastically into a man that he might consider dating, or just dump him. I couldn't dump him, it would hurt so much, I couldn't just dump him. I was going to have to change into someone else, someone better.

So now, I was running around my house frantically, trying to think of things that I could change to make me seem more likable. All I could think of was growing up, getting rid of the toys, the posters, and everything that resembled childishness. I whimpered, I loved those toys, could I get rid of them? If I did, would Danny love me more? What did I want more, Dannys love, or toys? Dannys love, I defiantly wanted Dannys love. But would this help to make him love me? Well, everything he had ever said he loved about me was a lie, and he now loved Harry and Dougie more, were they childish enough to keep toys? No, they weren't, the only toys that ever appeared in the house were Georges, from whenever he came over. So I had to get rid of mine.

It was a long task, that took me until midnight. Taking down every single toy in my house was a mammoth task, I counted over 200 different toys on just 1 floor. Then I had to pack away all my vinylmation too, taking down all 150 of them and putting them into their individual boxes, then storing them all in bin bags. I would phone Carrie tomorrow and ask her to take them, she had always said she was jealous of my collection, she could have it now.

By the time I had finished taking every single toy, poster, video game, and anything even related to Disney, Star Wars or Ghostbusters, I was in tears, on the verge of a panic attack. I never realised, but by having the toys there, I felt safe, like all the monsters hiding in the dark wouldn't get me. They had protected me from my fears, and now that they weren't here, I felt so scared and alone in my huge empty house. There was nothing to save me from the aliens, or the monsters, or anything that hid in the dark! I was on my own, the deafening silence almost crushing me and leaving me only feeling fear.

Taking a deep breath, I ran to my bedroom, jumping onto the bed and finding the monster catcher Carrie had made me ages ago under my pillow. It was green, with one large eye, and in the shape of a jelly fish with 3 tentacles. She had made it for me when she found some spare material in her house, knowing of my fears of evil aliens, not nice aliens like Time Lords. Now I felt a little better, but still terrified of the things hiding in the dark, so I had to turn on my TV, so there was some light in my almost pitch black room. From there, I was sat, rocking back and forth in the middle of the bed, looking out for ghosts and monsters, keeping from screaming at every little creak the whole night long.


	66. Chapter 66

**xxPUDDxx - i only have 1 rule when fic writing, never kill off one of the boys, thats the one thing i can assure you of that now! :) but torturing someone to insanity is allowed xD **

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130 Dougies POV

The next day, we went into Toms house to find a very tired, very scared Tom in a very bare house. "hey, where is everything? What happened?" I asked gently, noticing that Toms whole body was shaking. "m-monsters, g-ghosts, they'll get me!" Tom whimpered, pale skin making him look like a ghost. "what monsters and ghosts? Tom, there's nothing in the house." Harry put a hand on Toms back, gently rubbing it. "Tom, monsters and ghosts don't exist, you know that. You've never had this problem before, whats happened?" I decided it was better to find out what happened first, then find out why the house was bare.

"toys went, no protectors, monsters will get me!" Tom shivered, clutching at the green monster that usually stayed under his pillow. "aw Tom, no they won't! Monsters won't get you, I promise! Where did the toys go anyway? Where did you put them, huh? We'll go get them back so your protected, yeah?" Harry looked around, taking in the actual bare room. It had been stripped of toys, and anything child or Tom like. The 'toy sofa' had been emptied, so now it was just a sofa, and the bed sheets had been changed from Star Wars to plain white covers. Every room we had been in so far had been like it, it scared me to see it. What was Tom doing? I hoped he was decorating or something innocent like that, I couldn't take it if he was going something stupid.

"don't want them back, can't have them back. I'll be fine." Tom shook his head, his hair swishing almost wildly with him, just like it used to. "well alright then, if you don't want them back, we'll leave it. Now come on, downstairs. You'll feel better down there." Harry sighed, keeping a hand gently around Toms waist as we went downstairs.

After about 20 minutes downstairs, Tom calmed down, staring at the TV screen, watching the brightly coloured characters of Jimmy Neutron. It was then that Danny decided to turn up, he noticed instantly the bare house, running in and skidding over on his knees to Tom, almost demanding to know where the toys were. "they're not here, I packed them up." Tom answered, looking guiltily at the floor. "what? Why?" Danny pulled Toms face up, still not getting eye contact. "don't want them anymore." Tom whispered, fiddling with his fingers.

"what do you mean you don't want them anymore? They're your toys, you always want your toys!" Danny visibly paled, any sign of happiness he had when walking in gone. "I don't them anymore." Tom was pained to say this, I could tell, he wanted them back, he was scared without the toys he surrounded himself with. "are you sure you don't want them anymore? Its okay to still have them." Danny seemed half convinced, brushing Toms hair from his eyes with gentle fingers. "no, I don't want them anymore." Tom sighed, melting into Dannys arms when his arms went around him. "okay, no more toys, we can handle that. But we can bring them back at any time, you know. We'll bring them back whenever you want." Danny whispered, gently kissing Toms head.

131 Dannys POV

I cuddled Tom closely in my arms until he fell asleep, after staying up all night in fear. "thats it, sleep Tom, it'll be okay, I'll keep the monsters away." I whispered, kissing his hair softly, rubbing his back. I had thought that everything would be back to normal yesterday, but I guessed not, Tom still wasn't thinking clearly, or even rationally. I knew of his childhood fear of monsters hiding under the bed and in the wardrobe, and of his fear of the evil aliens that hid in the dark. It didn't bother me that he was like this, I found it cute to be honest, but what worried me was that Tom had gotten rid of his toys and spent the night scared witless because of it.

"should we go find the toys?" Dougie asked, biting his lip to shreds. "no, if Tom wants to get rid of them, he can. He's tried before, he's tried to 'grow up' but it never works. He'll ask for them back soon enough, trust me." I shook my head, carefully lying down, resting Toms skinny little frame mostly on top of my own, letting him grab fistfuls of my shirt for comfort. "but why did he get rid of all the posters too? Not even the Wizard Of Oz one in the kitchen is still up!" Harry worried, pulling Dougie onto the floor with him, holding him closely.

"I don't know. I'll ask later, let him sleep for a while now though. He's had a tough night." I sighed, playing with strands of Toms blonde hair, fixing them so they were sat perfectly on his head. "alright, but we're going to have to talk about this, because this isn't normal Tom behaviour. I thought you two getting back together would make him better, but it hasn't helped much." Harry squeezed Dougie close, trying to stop the little one from panicking. "I know, last time getting together helped him so much, this time not so much. Maybe he just needs a lot of love, its only been a day. Give it some time, it might help." The first time we got together was now 5 years ago, during the Motion In The Ocean era as we called it. It was when Tom decided he had had enough of the ridicule he got for being 'fat' and had started to lose weight. And I don't mean in the normal way by exercising. I mean Tom started to starve himself, and he literally stopped eating entirely, if I was lucky, he would eat a muffin in the afternoon. Other than that, he had nothing. It had scared me so much, and I tried talking to him about it, but he never listened to me about it. So, we ended up arguing, and I ended blurting out my feelings, Tom had stopped arguing with me, and had kissed me instead. From there, he ate, and was happy, and not constantly thinking about looks and weight and critics, because I loved him no matter what.

Flashback - April 1st 2006

"Tom! Will you listen to me? You can't avoid me forever!" I shouted, managing to corner Tom ironically in the kitchen, squashing him between the counter and my own body. "Danny get off me! Let me go!" Tom growled, weakly trying to shove me off him, but he was too weak to manage anything. "no! Listen to me right now. What your doing isn't at all healthy, you have to eat, you'll die if you don't!" I argued, pushing him harder so he stayed put. "Danny, I don't care, it doesn't matter." Tom looked away, leaning far away from me. He tried to lift himself onto the counter, but I grabbed hold of his hip, holding back a shudder at how easy it was to feel his bone.

"it does Tommy, it does. I think you have an eating disorder or something, and it scaring the hell out of me, okay? You can't carry on like this, your skin and bone already." Okay that was a slight exaggeration, but I was willing to try any tactic to get Tom to believe me. "I do not have an eating disorder! I'm fine, okay? I'm just losing a bit of weight, why is that such a problem, aren't I allowed to try and do something so I feel good about myself?!" Tom countered, getting angrier at me. It hurt to see him so defensive about this, he shouldn't be like this, ever. Sure, Tom didn't deserve to be jeered at constantly because of his weight (to me, he looks adorable, he would never hear that though), but he shouldn't be going to these lengths. "of course you are, but you can't do this! This isn't losing weight, this is killing yourself. When was the last time you actually ate something, huh? Cause I certainly haven't seen you eat something in at least 3 months!" I honestly couldn't remember seeing Tom eat one thing for months, it was terrifying.

"I ate a muffin last night, check the bin if you don't believe me." Tom glared, and stupidly, I went to check, leaving him to run away again and into the garden, then further into the field behind that. "sh*t, Tom come back here!" I bolted off after him, easily gaining on him. I tackled him the minute I could, pinning him face first into the grass, his wrists caught in my grasp. "Danny! Get the f*ck off me!" Tom cried out, writhing about, only for me to clamp down harder on him. "no, this is the only way I can get you to listen to me, and I'm not letting you go until you have heard me out. This is dangerous, you are scaring everyone. You just need to stop right now!" I whimpered, hating that I was having to do this to my best friend, the one I secretly loved so much, I would die for this man.

"of course its dangerous, I can't f*cking breathe!" Tom ignored me again, making me want to slap him, hard. "Thomas Michael Fletcher you stubborn, annoying, little...god, you annoy me sometimes! Will you just listen to me, so I can save your s*dding life?! I f*cking love you and I don't want to let you go, and at the moment, your making me lose you! I never want to lose you, and I will lose you if you don't stop with this whole eating problem you have right now!" I swore, then realised what I had just said, paling. "what? Danny did you just say you love me?!" Tom stopped struggling, trying to look at me. "y-yeah I did." I whispered, expecting Tom to use my relaxed grip to chuck me off and never talk to me again. "did you mean it?" Tom asked nervously, biting his lip. "I, er, yeah. I kinda love you Tom, more than just a friend." I finally admitted, looking away nervously, waiting to be shouted at. But I didn't, instead, Tom managed to turn us round and pin me underneath him, kissing me so gently and perfectly I almost cried. "I like you too Danny." Tom smiled, letting me pull him down again for another kiss. "you don't know how long I've waiting to hear that. Now, will you believe me?" I tried not to ruin the moment. "I'll try, for you." Tom kissed me again, and I grinned.

Flashback end


	67. Chapter 67

**i'm so sorry its taken me this long to update! i completely forgot! but anyway, heres the update, again, sorry for its lateness!**

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132 Harrys POV

Danny happily laid with Tom the whole time he slept, taking the opportunity to hold him close and stroke his hair, and his face, whispering how special he was. "your my baby Tommy, I love you so much, your so special. Your beautiful too, and cute, you look adorable right now." Danny whispered as I came back into the room, kissing Toms head for the thousandth time. He was right, Tom did look pretty cute, his long fringe falling over his eyes, being blown upwards whenever he breathed out. His tiny hand was fisted around Dannys shirt, head resting on the Boltoners chest.

"this feels so good, the best feeling ever, I might cry." Danny laughed a little, restraining himself from jogging the boy on his chest. "don't cry, that would wake him up." I teased, bringing Dougie down from the sofa again and onto my lap, so he was laying his head on my legs, his hair tangled with my fingers. We had all cheered up a bit since Tom had originally fallen asleep, mostly because he did look peaceful and happy for once.

Eventually, Tom did wake up, and the look in Dannys eyes could not have gotten more loving, clearly showing that he was turning into soppy 'I love Tom so much' mush inside. Tom woke up with a whimpering yawn, scrunching his face up as he stretched. "aw, waking up now are we?" Danny giggled, squeezing his long arms around Tom, keeping him on his chest, "you needed that didn't you? Feeling better now?" he carried on, pressing kisses on Toms head gently.

"yeah, thanks for that." Tom sighed, finally letting a proper smile take over his face. "no worries mate, now what do you say to finally finishing off some songs before Fletch actually kills us?" I suggested, pulling Dougie up, leading him upstairs, hearing reluctant footsteps behind us.

We all helped this time, finishing a song Danny had written years ago, from before he told Tom he had loved him for the first time. "I haven't really finished it yet, or shown it to anyone, ever actually. It sort of became a little silly after we got together." Danny explained, blushing a little when he showed us a song called 'I'd Lie'.

I don't think that passenger seat

Has ever looked this good to me

He tells me about his night

I count the colours in his eyes

He'll never fall in love

He swears, as he runs his fingers

through his hair

I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong

And I don't think it ever crossed his mind

He tells a joke, I fake a smile

That I know all his favourite songs

And I could tell you

His favourite colour's green

He loves to argue

Born on the seventeenth

His sister's beautiful

He has his father's eyes

And if you ask me if I love him..

I'd lie

He looks around the room

Innocently overlooks the truth

Shouldn't a light go on

Doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so long

He sees everything in black and white

Never let nobody see him cry

I don't let nobody see me

wishing he was mine

I could tell you

His favourite colour's green

He loves to argue

Born on the seventeenth

His sister's beautiful

He has his father's eyes

And if you ask me if I love him..

I'd lie

He stands there, then walks away

My God, if I could only say

I'm holding every breath for you

He'd never tell you,

but he can play guitar

I think he can see through

everything but my heart

First thought when I wake up

is "My God, he's beautiful"

So I put on my make-up

and pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you

His favourite colour's green

He loves to argue

Oh, and it kills me

His sister's beautiful

He has his father's eyes

And if you ask me if I love him..

If you ask me if I love him..

I'd lie'

133 Toms POV

I blushed furiously when Danny started singing, giving me fake loving eyes, realising who he was singing about. He was singing about me. I have born on the 17th, favourite colour was green, I liked to argue, saw things in black and white, played guitar, had my dads eyes and never let anyone see me cry. And right now, I wanted to cry. That song was beautiful, and it was making me what to cry because Danny was perfect, and I couldn't take it. "its perfect." I managed to whisper, getting choked up. "like the guy its about then?" Danny smiled, kissing my hair, making me cringe.

I had always hated it when Danny said I was perfect, because I knew he was lying. Now I knew how much he was lying, and it killed me, tore me to shreds inside. "don't say that." I shook my head, I really was not perfect, and never would be. I didn't want to be lied to about it either. "why not?" Danny asked, stroking my side. I shifted from his hand. 'its a lie, your not perfect' a voice supplied inside my head, I agreed with it. "its a lie." I half repeated out loud, fiddling with my fingers nervously. "nah, its true. To me its 100% true." Danny smiled, but I could tell, in his eyes, he was lying. He didn't think I was perfect, he never would think I was perfect, to him I was just a person he lied to.

"I-I need the bathroom, give me a minute." I jumped up and practically ran downstairs, holding in tears until after I was locked inside the bathroom. Then I just slid down the door and cried, how did I think that things like this wouldn't happen? How did I possibly think I would not get comments about me like that, that we would just hug and occasionally kiss? It stung to hear comments like that, it hurt so much to hear Danny lie and say he thought I was perfect. I wasn't perfect, I couldn't be perfect, I was never perfect! All I had ever wanted was to be perfect, but I couldn't, not for Danny, I would never be perfect for him.

Looking in the mirror, all I saw was imperfections everywhere. I looked ill I was so pale, my chin was huge, the crater in my face known as a dimple looked ridiculous, my eyes were mud brown, making me look even more ill against my skin. My eyebrows were a completely different colour to my hair and were huge too, my hair looked awful even though I styled it this morning. I looked like an overgrown 13 year old, who still had baby fat in his cheeks, it was awful! All of this mixed with the tears running down my face made me want to rip myself to shreds, it was horrible how bad I looked, and as everyone knew, looks were everything in this business. Looks were more important than any type of talent, or personality, it was all a beauty contest, and with me here, we would fail. No-one would find my monstrous face appealing in anyway, no-one ever had, it had pushed everyone away from me.

My dad had run away because of me, which had caused my mum to hate both me and Carrie, although she did nothing wrong. Then my face had only gained me sympathy points with the rest of the world and my supposed best friends and boyfriend. They only stuck with me because they needed someone to write songs and someone to stand there and look disgusting so they looked amazing. It was the only reason why I was still here, so they were successful and felt good about themselves, they would never tell me that I was ugly but let the papers do that instead. All their words were echoing inside my head, 'the pale one, the fat one, the ugly one' it was all they ever called me, they never insulted the others, it was only ever me. It was a message to me that I was never worthy of any of this, I was worthy of nothing, and no-one, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.


	68. Chapter 68

**anyone who was wondering, the song in the last add was called I'd Lie by Taylor Swift :)**

**xxPUDDxx - thank you! :) **

134 Dougies POV

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"okay, what just happened?" I asked, as soon as Tom was downstairs. "I dunno, I just, said he was perfect then poof! Suddenly needs the bathroom...do you think that was too much too soon?" Danny bit his lip. "I think it might have been. Tone the compliments down a little bit. We all know Tom hates any type of compliment on normal days, let alone after running away for whatever reason it was." Harry advised, playing with my fingers so I didn't worry. "yeah, probably a good idea. So, you two have any song ideas at all? All mine suck and Toms not letting me near his lyric book, I think I might have to steal it off him soon." Danny sighed, he looked a little lost now that Tom had run off.

"no ideas over here, I haven't written a thing all year." I truly hadn't, writing sometimes helped me, others it just frustrated me because it didn't sound right, or I just had no ideas. "d*mn, well, looks like I'm going to have to fight Toms book out of him, he isn't letting me look inside it at all. I bet there's an incredible song in there, at least 1, and he's keeping them to himself just because he's scared of them being rejected." Danny sighed, he really knew Tom way too well. I said so and he just smiled. "yeah, I know I do. But, after being with someone for 4 years, you sort of do know them inside out, don't you?" Danny shrugged, he wasn't actually wrong, me and Harry knew each other so well it almost scared us. We worked on such a similar wavelength that we ended up accidently either colour coordinating our clothes, or wearing matching clothes, even getting similar haircuts.

"yeah, guess you do. What is taking him so long? Surely he's done by now." Harry looked towards the door, playing with my fringe as I laid on his legs. "I don't know, I'll go see whats up." Danny sighed and ran out, leaving us alone again. "you think Toms alright?" I asked, looking up almost pleadingly at Harry. "I dunno, I don't think he's particularly happy with the perfect comment, but I don't think he's taken it too badly." Harry shrugged, squeezing my hands gently.

We stayed silent for a little while longer, just sitting there, large drumming hands wrapped in my hair, my tiny fingers playing with his spare hand, twisting the ring on his finger round and round. "you think somethings up? They're taking far too long at the moment." I sat up, straining my ears to hear anything. I could hear quiet talking and that was about it. "right, we'll go down and see whats happening then, yeah?" Harry suggested, getting up and pulling me with him downstairs.

135 Dannys POV

"Tom, come on, whats wrong?" I called out, knocking on the door again, all I could hear was a soft whimpering sound. "Tom? Look I'm sorry, I know you don't like compliments, and I went a little too far with the whole perfect thing. But thats how I see you, I'm sorry that it upset you." I sighed, sliding down the door and curling into a ball, my back pressed against the door. Still, all I got was small choked whimpers, and footsteps on the stairs.

"whats happening down here?" Harry asked, sitting down next to me on the floor, Dougie following. "I don't know. The doors locked, and I'm not getting a reply." I shrugged, fiddling with my fingers nervously. "sh*t, do you think that perfect comment did it?" Dougie swore, biting at his lip almost viciously. "I think so, I shouldn't have said it. Even though he is perfect, I shouldn't haven't said it." I regretted telling him that Tom was perfect, because even though he was to me, Tom himself would never believe it in a million years. He was far too self conscious, too hyper aware of himself and how he looked. Tom never believed a compliment, he only ever believed the insults, even the playful ones we always used jokingly against each other.

We sat in silence for so long, waiting to Tom to come out again that Dougie fell asleep, and by midnight, all 3 of us were sleeping on the floor, huddled up together for warmth and comfort. By morning, Tom was out again, but he had changed. It actually scared me how quickly Tom snapped into someone so introverted. He barely spoke anymore, wore his baggier clothes, always had his hat on, his fringe over his eyes. Tom spent more time outside too, standing in the sunlight, like he was trying to tan in the middle of winter.

"Tom, come inside! You'll catch a cold out there!" I shouted from the door, looking at the shivering blonde. It wasn't cold enough for snow, but it was still freezing cold, below zero, and Tom only had 2 long sleeve tshirts and a jumper on. "come on, you really can't be outside right now without more layers on. Now come here, its lunch time." I grabbed a coat and ran out, pulling Tom inside again, sitting him by a radiator. "now what are you doing outside like that, huh? Its far too cold to be out there right now. And we have an interview in 2 days, you can't have a cold for that, can you?" I sighed, reaching out to straighten Toms hat on his head, but got my hand knocked away. Well at least Tom was wearing gloves so his talented fingers would freeze.


	69. Chapter 69

**xxPUDDxx - Tom just can't understand and believe that everything Danny says is true, and he doesn't know how to react to it :/ **

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136 Toms POV

Didn't Danny know that I knew we had a interview on TV in 2 days? Of course I knew! I was dreading it so much! I didn't want to go, I wanted to stay in and hide under a mound of blankets and toys in my bedroom! I was going to make us all look so bad, then once we flunked so far, Fletch would fire me. It was going to happen, I knew it. It was just a waiting game, until Fletch and everyone decided that enough was enough and I wasn't worth the trouble.

It was half the reason that I was outside, so I could either catch a cold so I couldn't go in (or have an excuse as to why I looked so deformed) or if that didn't happen, I could be a few shades darker. I was wondering if I looked better tanned or not, and was trying to tan so I could see which was better on me. I was trying everything to look better, but the list was huge, and not even Mellissa was going to fix me temporally.

2 days later, I was still wasn't tanned, or any darker, if anything, I was paler than usual. Now I really looked like a ghost, a deformed, 15 year old wannabe ghost. My arm was getting very, very itchy by the time we got ready in whatever clothes we were going to wear. Luckily, I had my own dressing room, the guys giving me some space so I didn't have to be around them, disgusting them with my deformity. "what are you so down about in here Tom? This is what you wanted, isn't it?" Mellissa asked, fiddling the my hair, making sure I looked 'good'. "yeah, just nerves, again." I sighed, fiddling with my fingers, noticing how badly they were shaking.

"ah, you and your nerves. Just remember, whatever happens, we'll all be behind you. We're always here to catch you if you fall. You don't have to speak if you don't want to either, the guys will do most of the talking if you don't want to. You just have to sing during the performance." Mellissa lied, I had to speak, present myself like I usually did, like I didn't know that no-one cared about me and I was generally unwanted by everyone. No-one was going to be there when I fell, I would be left to fall onto the hard floor, and everyone would laugh.

She moved onto doing the mammoth task of doing my makeup, she luckily made me look a little tanned, and not so death-pale. I must admit, the makeup made me look a little less deformed, which was good, and I did look a little more my own age, now to decide what clothes to wear. "I'll leave you to get dressed, if I don't see you before, good luck. You'll do great, I'm sure, if not, we're always here to help you." Mellissa smiled, hugging my shoulders and kissing my hair before running out. I even disgusted her, she couldn't wait to get out of here and be with the pretty people.

I found only 1 average looking outfit out of everything I had to choose from clothes wise. It was a long sleeve grey tshirt, with a black jacket over the top, and dark blue skinny jeans, topped off with a pair of black boots. If I had worn anything else, I would have looked like a 15 year old again, which I didn't want. Staring in the mirror, it didn't look too bad, still like I was trying too hard, but I didn't look awful.

"Tom, you ready? We're on in 5." Danny poked his head round the door, biting at his lip and gazing at the floor. "huh? Yeah, yeah I'm ready." I nodded, not looking at him either, he was just so beautiful, how could I cast my unworthy eyes on him? The door closed and footsteps came closer to me, arms wrapping hesitantly around my waist. "good luck, we'll be proud of you, no matter what you do." Danny whispered, he was so awkward, I could only presume he was forced into this. "yeah, thanks. Good luck to you too, you'll do great, I'm sure." I stepped out of his arms, wandering to the door, finding Fletch.

"we need to talk, okay?" Fletch pulled me off down to a deserted corridor, pushing me against the wall there. "now, heres whats going to happen in this interview. You're going to be happy and cheerful, the normal Tom that everyone knows, alright? And you're going to sing and play guitar, and be generally Tom-like, okay? We need the impression that everything is still okay and you're not going off the deep end. So be Tom, okay? Not whoever your turning into, we need this." Fletch glared, putting more pressure on the hand he had on my chest. "Fletch, I can't breathe, let go of me, please." I whispered, feeling my chest tightening. "promise me you'll be Tom, shy yet confident, childish, singer and guitarist Tom first." Fletch hissed, applying more pressure, he was actually scaring me now. "I promise, I'll be 'normal' as you put it. Don't worry, I'll put on a good show, I'm not stupid." I tried to glare right back at him, but it didn't really work. "good, now get going." Fletch let me go, shoving me into the arms of Paul the body guard, who led me back to the guys.

137 Dougies POV

When Tom came back from Fletchs talk with him, he didn't look at all happy. "what did Fletch want now?" Danny asked, stepping forward so he was closer to Tom, fingers twitching to grab him into a hug. "just wished me luck and told me that it would be okay." Tom put on a smile, standing in the place he had been told to stand in earlier. Right now, we were all in a row, Harry in front, me behind, the Danny, then Tom. We had to sit at the back today, because this interview was going to be directed at Tom, so everyone knew that he was back and 'completely fine'.

As we walked out, Harry grabbed my hand, telling me he was there for me, it made me smile a little more, despite the nerves as about 200 audience members clapped (some screamed) for us. The presenter was Paul O'Grady, it had become ritual to go on his show every year at least once, for whatever reason it was. Usually it was for a new album or tour, this time it was to straighten out rumours. I sighed, this was going to be a tough one, I could tell.

"well, welcome back boys! Its been a while since you've been on this sofa...or any sofa for that matter!" Paul laughed, he was a nice man really, and put us all at ease usually if we were nervous for whatever reason. "its good to be back! We've missed this sort of thing!" Danny smiled, jumping straight into the jumpy hyper Danny he usually was. "I guess you have, so, can you explain whats really happened this past year?" Paul asked the dreaded question, we had known it was coming, but it didn't make any less difficult.

"erm, I have a, er, problem. Mentally, I mean, which means I don't properly...understand some situations and read them wrong. Also, it, erm, makes me think really, really stupid things. So last year, a few things happened and it set me off thinking some really stupid things, because I read the situation wrong. Things, sort of got out of control, so I ended up thinking that I had to run away to get away from it, and not actually get the help that I need." Tom tripped through the explanation, somehow managing to keep facing the audience, and not look too nervous. If drama school did anything, it was to teach him how to act confident.

"but you were gone for a full year, did it really take you that long to realise it was wrong to run?" Paul prodded, Harrys hand squeezed around mine more because I was shaking. "no, I realised early on that it was wrong, but I was just scared to come back home. I thought everyone would hate me for doing this to them, and I wouldn't be excepted anymore. Luckily, I was proved wrong a few months ago, and now we're here. And I'm staying, for good now." Tom sighed, his hands were shaking, in fact, his whole body was shaking. The only thing that wasn't was his voice, his voice just sounded sad and regretful, and maybe a little bit scared.


	70. Chapter 70

**xxPUDDxx - thanks! :) *hands Fletch shaped punching bag over* :D**

138 Harrys POV

The rest of the interview mostly went well, we talked more about our upcoming plans, for example, we were planning on making a few more songs, then going on tour. The audience loved it, and after a while Dougie seemed to relax too, as did Tom. Undoubtedly, the performance was the easiest part though, we all fell back into our normal places again as soon as we were holding our instruments. I realised just how much I had missed performing like this, hearing the crowd sing along, working in perfect harmony with my best friends and lover.

We decided to sing Party Girl, because that way Danny took lead and Tom could sing when he wanted, because Dougie was singing in time with him. The song went really well, both Tom and Dougie sung in all the right places, sounded perfect, and Danny rocked it like usual. All 3 of them ended up doing their usual on stage 'dancing' as well, really going for it like we hadn't been away for a year.

Before I knew it, we were back in the dressing room, completely hyper after a good performance. "dude! That was amazing! It was like, whoa! I've feel worn out, but hyper! Does that make sense?" Dougie bounced around the room, before jumping onto my lap, wrapping his arms around me. "only you could make that make sense! But yeah, it makes sense." I laughed, kissing his cheek gently. "good...your all sweaty." Dougie stuck his tongue out, pulling at my shirt. "well we have been performing, your all sweaty too." I giggled, really enjoying being childishly blunt with Dougie, he hadn't been like this in ages. "so, wanna go home and shower?" Dougie gave me that look, and with him also playing with my shirt collar, I knew exactly what he was on about. "of course, I'll look forward to it." I kissed him gently, squeezing his waist.

"guys, sorry to break the moment, but, wheres Tom?" Danny tapped my shoulder, scratching his neck. "er, didn't he come in here?" I looked around, finding us 3 and that was it. "no, I thought he was, but he's not here." Danny whimpered, looking around the admittedly small room. "check his dressing room, he might have gone there." I suggested, watching Danny run out of the room, us two following along behind.

Tom was sat on the floor in the corner, crying into his shaking hands, whimpering quietly. "Tommy, baby, whats up?" Danny crouched down first, stroking Toms hair, making him cry more. "Tom, honey, come on. You can tell us whats up! Whats happened?" Danny was using his softest tone, the tone he always saved for really miserable crying Tom. "I-I'm sorry." Tom finally whimpered out, his whole body shaking. "sorry? What are you sorry for? There's nothing to be sorry for!" I crouched down in front of him too, carefully trying to pull his hands away from his face.

139 Toms POV

I was so sorry, for messing up that whole interview and performance, I had completely ruined it! I didn't play a single chord right, sung completely out of tune, and made everyone think I was crazy and needed to be in a mental health unit! How could I mess everything up so badly? "I-I'm just so s-s-sorry!" I cried, putting my hands between my bent legs and chest so Harry would stop pulling on them, he would feel my scars if I wasn't careful. "Tommy, baby, what are you so sorry for? You haven't done anything wrong! The interview and performance were brilliant, you did so well, we're all so proud!" Danny lied, there was no way that was good.

"I-I failed! I'm sorry!" I shook my head, tugging on my hair. I needed to be punished, and punished so badly right now, but I couldn't in public. Hair pulling was the only thing I could do right now without creating too much attention. "you didn't fail baby! You did so well! You nailed Party Girl like usual! Everyone enjoyed it so much, there is nothing to be ashamed of. That couldn't have gone any better!" Danny rubbed my back and pulled my hands away from my hair before I actually tugged some out.

"come on, lets get you home, its been a long day." Dougie surprising took charge, leading us all round the back of the studio, so we could get into the car and go home. I cried the whole way, getting glares from Fletch and fake sympathy from everyone else. I wasn't sure what was worse. Whichever it was, it made me cry a little harder, knowing how pathetic I was being, and how bad it must have looked. Not only was my deformed face being ruined even more by running makeup and puffy eyes, but also it must have looked like I was trying to gain sympathy for this, even though I wasn't! I knew it was all my fault and was excepting that it was my fault, that I was a bad musician and that I didn't deserve to be here, I wasn't trying to gain sympathy or the benefit of the doubt. I just felt so pathetic for messing everything up, I couldn't help but cry.

"you did so well out there, I mean it, you did so well, so, so well. I am so proud of you for that. We're all so proud, you could not have done any better." Danny whispered gently in my ear, stroking my arm. "I'm sorry." I still repeated, it was all I was going to say now, and I had a feeling I would be saying this over and over and over again for a long, long time. "aw baby, its okay. Stop saying your sorry, there is nothing to be sorry for, at all, that interview and performance went perfectly. We're all proud of you, so, so proud of you, right Fletch?" Danny looked to Fletch, who growled a 'yeah' showing that he really wasn't proud. I hadn't done as told, and now he was probably thinking about firing me.

"Fletch, Tom did as well as he usual does. And considering the year he's had, he's done exceptionally well, so will you congratulate him on a job well done?" Harry glared, giving him the meanest look I have ever seen him give anyone. "yeah, good job Tom, just next time, don't mumble." Fletch gave in, never turning round. "he didn't mumble, your deaf." Dougie argued too, he never usually stood up to Fletch, this was new...


	71. Chapter 71

**there's a writing competition going on in the forums part of this community, don't forget to check it out! :) the information is also on its twitter mcficsslash**

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140 Dougies POV

I was so angry with Fletch right now, he was acting like Tom had completely messed up. Like he hadn't even played or sung, or spoke! And now he was picking holes in what Tom had done, so what he mumbled a little?! Isn't a guy allowed to be nervous?! Maybe a little constructive advice once Tom had calmed down a little maybe, but not shunning him like this! Fletch was only going to make things worse, which wasn't on, not after how well Tom had performed. He had been note perfect, on guitar and on his singing, he may not have realised it, but he did an amazing job, better than anyone expected.

"I still think you were all a little quiet, be more vocal next time, okay? Normal voices, not mumbles. We're not teenagers anymore." Fletch growled, glaring out of the window, Tommy was staying right out of it and just driving. "nerves make us mumble, now leave us alone. Tom did great today, and thats all that matters." I glared, putting my hand on Toms shoulder, feeling how shaky it was. And bony, I shuddered. "yeah, Fletch don't be so harsh, today has been a good day. More than we could have ever hoped for, so don't take the p*ss out of our nerves." Danny backed me up, keeping protective arms around Toms shivery body, almost blocking him with his own.

Luckily, we pulled up to the house then, climbing out and pushing Tom to the back of us, guarding him from any more harsh unnecessary words from Fletch. He didn't say anything, didn't even get out the car. Tommy did though, he got out and handed us any leftover bags we hadn't picked up, smiling kindly. "you did a good job today boys. Ignore Fletch, I don't know whats up with him but its best to ignore it. I'm proud of you anyway, and Richard and Darren are too." He whispered, giving us all a fatherly hug before getting back in and driving off. I felt a little sorry for him, he had to drive back and drop Fletch off somewhere.

"right, inside, before Fletch decides to come back." Harry almost ordered, gently pushing me forward until I moved with him. We all made our way into Toms bare house again, falling in almost synchronisation onto the sofa, huddling up together right away. I curled up into Harrys arms, snuggling into his strong chest, practically making him hold me close. I got a kiss to my head and the whispered words of 'it'll be alright, don't worry, I've got you' in return, which relaxed me a bit. Never before had I been so thankful to have a husband like Harry, who always made sure I was okay, and told me and made me believe that he would make sure that I was okay.

141 Dannys POV

I moved on the sofa so I was sat with my legs on either side of Toms sides. He was sat on the floor, curled up inside himself again, not even able to watch the cartoon I had put on for him. "hey, Tommy look up! I put on Phineas and Ferb on! Look, you love this!" I encouraged, gently shaking his bony shoulder, trying to lift his head up. Tom was having none of it, staying in his curled up little ball of sadness, not even looking up to see one of his favourite cartoons.

"Tom, did you just hear what they said? They said Ferb Fletcher! Tom they said Ferb Fletcher!" I leant down closer to his ear, running a hand through his hair. I still got nothing, so I slid from the sofa, sitting behind Tom instead, wrapping my arms around his whole body, using my right to stroke his tensed leg, just in case the bandage around my arm felt noticeable. "right, come on baby, whats wrong? You never usually resist Phineas and Ferb, did Fletchs words really get you that down? Cause just remember, he is a right a*sehole, he has no idea what he is on about." I sighed, tracing patterns on his skinny jeans.

"Fletch was being such an a*se today, he was talking a whole load of sh*t. Tommy was more on the mark today. Listen to Tommy not Fletch." Dougie joined in, pulling himself and Harry off the sofa so they were next to us. "exactly, Fletch at the moment is being a right tw*t, so its best to ignore him until he calms down. He's probably just stressed, he has got a lot on his mind right now so he's taking it out on us." Harry agreed, letting Dougie wriggle until he was comfy again. "see? Please believe us Tom, Fletch is just being moody. He'll mellow out soon enough, until then, don't listen to a single word he says. Listen to Tommy, he knows what he's on about!"I was still talking gently, placing careful kisses over Toms neck and shoulders, hoping it would relax him a little like it used to.

I had no joy of cheering Tom up for the rest of the day, he barely even moved, basically carried on sitting there, curled in a ball of his own misery. "okay, its bed time Tom, do you want us all to stay round tonight? Cause we can if you want, we'll all stay round." I asked, finally getting a reaction. Tom shook his head at my question, but didn't look up from his knees. "alright then, we'll I'm staying round anyway, just in case. Now lets get you off to bed, its been a long day." I sighed, I wasn't about to leave Tom on his own and repeat history. I had learnt my lesson, when Tom was sad, don't leave him on his own, he comes up with stupid ideas and runs away.

Harry and Dougie said good night to us both and went home as I carefully managed to pull Tom upwards, so he was standing up right, on admittedly wobbly legs. I slowly led us through the house until we got to Toms room, sitting him down on the bed, he couldn't even look up at me.


	72. Chapter 72

**xxPUDDxx - haha! :D**

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142 Toms POV

"Tom, do you want me to stay with you here tonight?" Danny asked, lifting my chin up to look at him. I kept my eyes downcast and shook my head, moving my huge jaw away from his large perfect hands. "Tom, speak to me, do you want me to stay in here with you tonight? I won't mind, you are my boyfriend after all, we are supposed to share beds and stuff anyway. And if you need someone to hold tonight, then I'm here, just say the word." Danny bent to my level instead, keeping a good hold of my hair, his fingers entangled with the blonde strands.

"I-I'm fine. I don't need anyone." I lied, all I wanted was to curl up into his arms and never let go. But I couldn't, I had failed so badly today, I doubted highly that Danny was anything less than seething at me. He wouldn't want to share a bed with me on any normal day, let alone now, not when I had messed up an interview and performance, then cried the whole way home, like a little attention seeker. "you sure? I can stay if you want me to, its no trouble." Danny carried on, was he trying to make me give in and make him even more angry with me?!

"I-I'm sure, I don't need anyone. Just go home, I'll be alright." I managed to lie again, fisting my hands so I didn't start scratching at my arms. "okay, I won't go home, I've made that mistake before. But I'll be in the spare room down the hall alright? I don't care what time it is, if you need me then come down and wake me up. Or just get into bed and cuddle if thats what you want, so just, don't beat yourself up about this. Get to sleep, its been a long day. You'll feel better in the morning, I love you." Danny ended his speech with a kiss to my forehead, he then turned the TV on, found something that wouldn't freak me out, turned it on mute and pulled the covers over me.

I waited a whole 10 minutes after he went his room before I got up again, sneaking into the bathroom and bursting into tears. The performance had failed, and the interviewed failed too, and it was all my fault. If I had just kept my mouth shut, or spoken with more confidence, the interview would have gone well. If I had just been defiant enough to make Dougie sing by himself then no-one would have had to have heard my voice, and if I had practised harder, I wouldn't have messed up playing completely. There hadn't been a single chord I had played right, or a note sung right. Because of me, the whole thing went awfully, and I had made Fletch angry with the lot of us. Everything was my fault, I just couldn't hack it, I couldn't take being there again! I was so worried with the whole thing I couldn't even concentrate on being a good musician, so I flunked it.

I had to be punished, I had to teach myself to stop it, to get a grip and actually manage to do this properly. I scrambled over to the cupboard, pulling out my shiny razor, and my 'cutting towel' as I called it. It had been crystal white a few months ago, now it was the colour of dried blood, there wasn't a patch left of clean towel. I didn't even care, this was my towel I dried up my blood with, why should I clean something that reminded me of the beautiful blood dripping from my arm? It was the best sight I could produce, so it reminded me I could create something beautiful.

The cool blade pressed to my arm, my skin ribboning open, a trail of red flowing down my forearm to the floor. Ahh, sweet release, this felt heavenly, but at the same time, extremely painful. It hurt because I was clearly bleeding, but heavenly because I was releasing my mistakes, correcting them on my skin. It felt so good to finally get rid of some of this hatred I had for myself, for my mistakes, there was no other way to get rid of it. And right now, I felt calm, and almost normal. I was bleeding, I was human. For a few blissful seconds, I was human.

143 Dannys POV

Laying in the bed in the spare room, I still felt like I had failed Tom, failed at making him feel better and giving him the support he needed. I tossed and turned for at least an hour, debating whether or not I should go back in to his room, go and talk to him, get him to open up about why he was so sure he was in the wrong. In the end, I decided to go and see to Tom, just to check if he was awake or not, if he wasn't I could always just get into bed with him and hold him. It could give him some subconscious support or something, I knew that I always felt better after a bad night when waking up in the arms of someone I loved.

So carefully, I crept down the hall, opening the door to find Tom. He wasn't in the bed, or on the floor, but I could hear him crying. My heart broke as I heard him sobbing, he had cried so much today, he shouldn't be feeling like this, and he shouldn't have to lie about it either. I followed the heart breaking sound all the way to the bathroom, gasping when I saw the mess I called a human.

Tom was laying on the bathroom floor, shoulders heaving with sobs, and, oh god, there was blood. Blood smeared on his clothes and on the floor, his arm was bleeding horribly, from at least 2 places. I knew this position from experience, and it broke my heart to realise that this had been going on for as long as he had been back. "Tom? Tom are you alright?" it was a stupid question with an obvious answer, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.

As soon as I spoke, Tom leapt feet and scrambled into the corner of the room, eyes blown wide, like a deer caught in the headlights. "y-yeah, fine, everythings fine." Tom blatantly lied, and he knew that I wasn't going to buy that. "then whats all this then? How long has this been happening?" I crawled closer, watching him tense up. "whats been happening? Nothings been happening! I'm fine! Really!" Tom managed to stop his tears and put on a smile, to a less experienced eye, it looked like a real smile, to me, his eyes were panicked, but otherwise dead. "don't lie to me, I know whats happening. You're cutting, aren't you?" I stayed back, so he didn't panic even more, trying to stay calm because right now, I wanted to hurt myself. For not realising this was happening, but when we checked, there hadn't been any cuts, I was sure there hadn't been anything there! Was this just a new thing or what?

"what? No! Of course not! I just, er, dropped the razor and it cut me, thats all!" Toms excuse was weak, he was still holding the blade in his hand, clutching at it tightly. "yeah right! There wouldn't be this much blood if you had done that! Tell me, I want to help you." I pleaded, shuffling forward again and prying the razor out of Toms hands. "its nothing okay?! Nothing is going on! I dropped the razor and it cut deep okay?! I haven't done anything!" Tom cried, fighting me when I grabbed hold of his arms, wanting to see the damage he had done to his pretty arms. "then why won't you let me see your arms then? How many times has the 'razor slipped' from your hand and cut deep then? I know you've done it before, that time when you were in hospital but ran away again before we got to you. Do you really think I'm going to fall for 'the razor slipped' when I know its happened before? I'm not here to judge, I just want to help you." I finally managed to tug his arm away from his chest, looking at his poor abused arm.

There were so many cuts on his left arm, he was literally covered in them, from his wrist to his elbow, the whole arm had cuts all over. It made me tear up, to see what my poor baby was doing to himself, when he didn't deserve it. "I'm sorry! Don't tell anyone, please!" Tom begged, he gave up smiling and instead looked like he was a scared little boy, in some ways I guess he was.


	73. Chapter 73

**xxPUDDxx - well, we'll see what Danny does to make Tom feel better about this... **

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144 Toms POV

I was pleading Danny to not tell anyone about this, I couldn't have anyone know about this, they would worry about me more. They would fake sympathy and treat me like I was fragile, like I would crack under pressure and slit my wrists. I wanted to slit my wrists, but I couldn't, now Danny was going to keep an even closer eye on me, I hated that idea. "I won't tell anyone. We'll keep it between us." Danny sighed, his eyes trained at my arm, like it was actually going to drop off or something. "thank you... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, for worrying you like this." I whispered, feeling my guilt build up inside me when I realised I had dumped yet another problem on someone else, I should have kept them to myself. "its okay, its good that I know now. We can get you help now, so you don't do this anymore, its not healthy." Danny gave me a concerned look that made my skin crawl, I hated the idea that he was looking after me. It made me want to cut more, as punishment for doing this to him yet again, making it look like I was helpless and attention seeking. Everyone knows what they say about self harmers, they do it to attention seek, but that wasn't the reason I did it, though no-one would believe me.

"I don't need help, I'm fine." I shook my head, yanking my arms away from his large hands and pulling my sleeves down. "no, you need help, badly. Its dangerous, doing this. You can't carry on like this, you'll kill yourself one day! We don't have to go to anyone professional if you don't want to, you can talk to me, I'll listen to you. I'll always listen to you." Danny smiled a bit, stroking my hair gently. "I don't need help, and I'm burdening you." I moved my head away from his hand, refusing to look at him. "you're not, I want to help you. I'm your boyfriend, I'll listen to anything and everything you have to say. Don't think you're burdening me, cause you're not. I'll feel better knowing you're talking to someone instead of bottling it up and taking it out like this." Danny argued softly, pulling my face back to face him.

"I will burden you, I don't want to talk about it. Its nothing." I still refused to look at him, terrified he would see the pain in my eyes, how much this hurt. It killed me to do this to myself, and deep down I hated myself even more for doing this to myself, making myself even more ugly. I couldn't burden Danny with my knowledge of my ugliness, he would find out about everything eventually, and just give up and chuck me into some mental institution. I wasn't crazy, I just saw things more clearly than others did.

"you need to talk about it, you'll explode if you don't. I'll understand more than most, it won't be a burden." Danny pleaded some more, keeping a hand on my now covered arm. "you won't understand, its impossible to understand." I shook my head, sighing when his hand moved away from my arm. He was already giving up, like I knew he would. "you would be surprised. Look, we'll talk more in the morning, lets get you cleaned up and into bed." Danny gave up, standing up and getting a flannel wet, starting to wipe away the blood from my arm.

"let me do it, I can do it." I grabbed it off him, wiping away the blood roughly, revealing the other healing gashes on my arm, not wanting his soft hands looking after me in the exact way I knew he would. Like I was fragile porcelain, he was already treating me like I was breakable and about to explode with the slightest touch, and I hated it, I didn't want that, I wanted to be treated for exactly what I was, a disgusting thing that everyone actually hated. At least I wouldn't be lied to that way, which would be nice for once in life.

I got handed bandages so I wrapped the wounds in the white gauze, going to the wardrobe to change my shirt. "I'll stay in here, I'm not leaving you alone." Danny got into my bed, leaving me to stand there awkwardly. I still didn't sleep in my bed, it had been months since I had slept in my bed, and I wasn't about to start now. "I'm not sleepy." I lied, standing defiantly in the doorway to my walk in wardrobe...which was admittedly empty since I got rid of all my childish tshirts. "liar, don't make this harder than needed, just get into bed, okay? If you're not sleepy, then we can talk more about this. Either way, just get into bed." Danny warned, giving me the look he had never given me before, the 'just do it before I force you' look. "fine, but I'm not talking." I growled, getting in on the edge of the bed, not facing Danny at all, glaring at the wall instead.

A hand placed itself on my hip, pulling me backwards, before the warm arms I had longed for wrapped around my body. I resisted telling him to f*ck off, to not touch me and just shuffled so he wasn't holding me anymore. "I don't want to be held okay? Just, leave me alone." I lied, and went to sleep, trying my hardest to ignore the urge to jump into Dannys strong arms and never leave ever again.

145 Dougies POV

I groaned when sunlight hit my eyes painfully, waking me up. "Harry, we need better curtains." I moaned, turning over, cuddling into his warmth. "I know, give me a minute...thats better." Harry pulled the duvet over heads, blocking out the offending light, squeezing me close. "much better, should we get up or just lay here?" I asked, not wanting to move, but knowing we had to see Tom and Danny today, to make sure Fletchs glared words hadn't effected Tom that much. They worried me, god knows what they did to Tom.

"we better get up, give me a minute to wake up though." Harry sighed, opening his eyes to stare into mine, his hand gently running up and down my side. We laid there for another 10 minutes, silently cuddling each other, before finally rolling out of bed. I didn't want to, I wanted to stay in bed, and pretend that everything was okay, that the past 18 months hadn't happened. But unfortunately, the past 18 months had happened, and now we were stuck in an awful situation, hoping that getting back to work would help Tom come back to us.

Getting round to Toms, we found both the blonde himself and Danny still in bed, though they weren't hugging. Tom was right on the edge of the bed, barely still on the bed anymore, curled up in a ball. Danny was on the other side, right arm around himself, left arm reaching out across the white bed sheets, fingers centimetres away from Toms back, like he wanted to hold him but couldn't. "what happened last night then?" I whispered, going to shake Tom awake. "Tom, time to wake up! You're going to fall out in a minute!" I joked, pushing the blonde onto his back, continuing to shake him.

Tom groaned and waved his hand like it would get rid of me. "come on sleepy! Time to wake up!" I laughed, I must admit that he looked kind of cute as he laid like this. "be careful with him! Please don't shake him too hard." Danny pleaded, looking at Tom with an almost scared expression. "why?" Harry asked, Danny paled. "I-I promised to not tell, just be careful, he's not exactly... it doesn't matter." Danny got off the bed, slumping out of the room, looking like he was about to cry. "I'll sort this out, just wake up Tom okay?" Harry ran out after him.

Looking at Toms sleeping form, I wondered what had happened to him. "what have you done now?" I sighed, biting on my lip. "right come on, wake up time! Come on Tom, we're recording today!" I shook him some more, finally rousing him. "huh?" Tom mumbled, throwing his right arm over his eyes. "time to get up Tom, we're recording today, so no need to get really dressed up, and you need to take your lyric book." I smiled, sitting down on the bed next to him. "right, how long until we go?" Tom sighed, sitting up and yawning. "about an hour, so no need to hurry." I answered, thankful for a semi normal conversation. It would have been normal if Tom was looking at me. But at least I got a conversation with him, and that was something.


	74. Chapter 74

**xxPUDDxx - thanks! :D**

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146 Harrys POV

"Toms what?!" I almost shouted, just catching myself in time. "self harming, I shouldn't have told you, I promised I wouldn't, but I couldn't not say anything." Danny wiped away tears, looking so heartbroken. "you were right to tell me, cause, jesus, I didn't think he would do that! Not after the...you know last time." I shuddered, remembering the fact that the cutting had been so bad last year that Tom had to go to hospital and had only just been saved.

"I know, but he is, his arm is butchered, it looks so bad." Danny was shivering, so I wrapped him into my arms, hugging him to stop his shivers. "oh sh*t, what are we going to do?" I swore, feeling Danny grip onto my shirt so tightly. "I don't know, I've told him to talk to me about whatevers bothering him this much, but he was refusing. He doesn't want professional help and thinks that he doesn't need any help at all." Danny whispered, nuzzling into my shirt. "well we'll have to talk to him somehow, we'll find a way. Maybe at the studio we can see whats wrong through his songs?" I suggested, hearing movement upstairs. It was only going to minutes before at least Dougie came down and I didn't want him to know this right now. Dougie couldn't know just yet what was going on, the news would kill him, he still had that sense that Tom would be just fine, I didn't want to see him worried. It wasn't exactly the most pleasant thing to see Dougie worried, he had calmed down a bit since our wedding, and was better at controlling himself, but it still didn't stop him from having fainting spells, or from feeling nauseas, or from heaving for breath when the nerves kicked in. He had always fainted at the weirdest things, and let his nerves get the better of him, I was thankful that he hadn't actually fainted around anyone other than me in a while, and I wasn't about to endanger that by explaining the self harm to him.

Also, we had to keep the self harm a secret from Fletch, he would blow a serious fuse then and make everything worse. And if Dougie knew he would freak out and cry, clinging to Tom to beg him to stop, it would break his little innocent heart. And cause him to end up either passing out, or heaving for breath, and I knew how much Dougie hated it, he felt so awful when he ended up in that state, and it wouldn't help the whole situation either.

"yeah, we'll go through that first then find a way to act." Danny sighed, breaking apart from me as two sets of footsteps reached us. "well we're ready, apart from breakfast, whats in that can be eaten in 4 bites?" Dougie smiled so innocently, I really hated the idea of telling him what Tom was doing to himself. It would kill him. Dougie viewed Tom as an older brother, almost a mother in some ways, he relied on both him and me to be strong, and only having one of us was hurting him already. He had only just stopped wearing Toms shirt to bed, I couldn't break his heart all over again so soon. "I dunno, wanna have a look with me?" I shrugged, holding out my hand for him, instead getting an armful of him. "only if you carry me." Dougie giggled, almost scrambling up so he was being carried in my arms. "fine, baby Doug gets carried around." I cheered up a little, I loved carrying him around like this, because it reminded me of when he was younger and even more innocent.

"I got a full conversation with Tom a minute ago." Dougie smiled the minute we got to the kitchen, so that explained his energy. "really? What about?" I asked, getting out cereal, still carrying the overgrown boy in my arms. "the studio. He's got a few songs we can demo, and thinks I should sing some more." Dougie explained, stealing a few pieces Sugar Puffs from the bowl. "hmm, that could be good. We'll have to see what comes out won't we?" I encouraged, putting him down on the counter. "yeah, lets hope its all good." Dougie sighed, hugging me tight, obviously fearing the worst.

147 Dannys POV

Tom was quiet as we got to the studio, clutching at his lyric book and walking along behind us, keeping his head down. "right, does anyone actually have at least something we can demo?" Fletch glared, he was always so angry at us right now, it scared me a little. "erm, I have 2 songs that are completed that we can demo." I piped up, glancing at Tom, seeing how Fletchs anger effected him. At the moment, he seemed unfazed, apart from maybe being a little scared. "good, Tom do you have anything?" Fletch now made Tom jump, he paled considerably under his gaze. "I, er, have a few. They're not that good...but its a start, right?" Tom answered, almost squeaking by the end of it, shaking a little.

"good, we can tune them up if needs be. Now you lot better get moving, we need a new song and soon!" Fletch barked, ordering us to show him one of these new songs. Hesitantly, I showed him I'd Lie, trying to get Tom to look at me, instead of hiding away in a corner, desperately looking through his lyric book. It was clear on his face that he was panicking, trying to find a song that was 'good enough' to use, and I knew he wouldn't find anything that fitted his idea of 'good enough'.

"Danny pay attention!" Fletch snapped me from staring at Tom, and I realised I had trailed off completely. "was that it or are you too distracted by Tom to pay attention?" he glared, sending shivers down my spine. "there's more, sorry." I started playing from the beginning, thankful when Harry went over and sat with Tom, quietly talking to him, taking his hand away from scratching his arm. This time, I managed to play the whole way through, hopefully it would make Fletch happy and keep him off Toms back. Having his beady little eyes glaring at him all day wouldn't help Tom stop cutting like he was, or stop me from cutting myself through worry and failure to help him.

"whats your other one? That one might work, but I doubt it, the new song needs more power, more 'we're here'." Fletch softened a little bit, thankfully. So I played him 'Wish You Were Here' that still didn't please him, saying it would remind people too much of last year, which was said with a very evil glare to Tom, who cowered more into the corner under our managers gaze. "Tom, you must have something, anything with more of a beat to it, that will make people forget about your mistake and remind people that you're all still here." Fletch never softened his glare, steely gaze fixing on Tom and not letting up once, he didn't even blink.

"well, I, er, have, erm, a few maybe...they're not finished." Tom looked away shamefully, like he was ashamed of his answer. "what? Are you saying all of your songs aren't finished?! I've given you more than enough time to finish at least 1 song! What have you been doing all this time? Sitting on your a*se doing nothing?!" Fletch practically shouted, scaring us all this time. "I, er, its just I can't..." Tom stuttered, but Fletch cut him off. "can't what? String a sentence together anymore? Are you even bothered about this band anymore, or are you too busy thinking that we'll bow down to you because you ran away and you're still 'fragile'? thats not going to last forever you know, pretty soon we're going to expect you to be back to normal again and to stop putting on this 'scared little fragile Tom' act you're pulling. I know you're stronger than this, so stop acting like the world revolves around you and get back to being normal Tom, who does as he is told and gets the job done." Fletch shouted and stormed out, leaving us all speechless.


	75. Chapter 75

148 Toms POV

I couldn't believe Fletchs speech, was I really acting like that, like the world revolved me and everyone was going to bow down to me whenever I wanted? I didn't even realise, I thought I was keeping quiet and out of the way. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to fight them back, I couldn't cry, not now, I couldn't attract more attention to myself, confirming Fletchs speech and the 'self harmers are attention seekers' stereotype.

"what, the F*CK was that?!" Dougie was the first speak, rushing over to my corner, snapping Harry out of his haze, his arms coming around my shoulders. "he just, exploded...over unfinished songs. He's never done that before." Harry commented, looking all the way round the room, anywhere but me. Danny was blatantly staring at me, and Dougie staring at the door. "what the hell is wrong with him now? Its just a few unfinished songs, there was no need to go off on one like that!" Dougie agreed, his arm coming around my shoulders too.

"he's gone nuts, for sure." Harry nodded. "he's right." I whispered, making everyone look at me now. "what? He isn't right! None of that was right!" Danny shouted, running over too now, basically trapping me in the corner, surrounded by the three boys. "he is right. I am stronger than this, I've got to finish these songs, or he'll blow a casket." I stood up and managed to move so I was out of their huddle, heading for the door. "where are you going?" Danny asked, running towards me, being followed by two more sets of feet. "somewhere quiet, I have to finish one of these to make him happy." I hope I added inside my head, knowing that I couldn't show him anything I had currently written. They were all so depressing and awful they couldn't be used. I had to buck up my ideas and come up with something usable and soon or I would be kicked out of here for sure.

"we'll help then! Wait for us!" Dougie followed along, all 3 of my band mates almost copying my footsteps exactly and never let me ran away from them. "you don't have to help me, I can do it myself." I sighed, turning back round to look at their faces. "we want to! And anyway, it'll be easier to write in a group, instead of struggling by yourself!" Danny smiled a little, it was fake, he hated the idea of spending more time with me, struggling to come up with something usable from the cr*p I had written. "fine, just don't blame me when there's nothing usable in here." I fell onto a chair, in a corner as usual.

"I'm sure there is, pass it over here, we'll find something." Danny encouraged, indicating he wanted my book. "how about that song I saw earlier? That Naked one?" Harry suggested, cuffing Dougie round the head when he snorted. "no, that ones cr*p." I shook my head, if just the title was making people laugh, the lyrics would make everyone really laugh at me. "it was good! And you don't think its good then we can tune it up a little. Its what we're for!" Harry yanked the book out of my hands before I could react, finding the page in seconds, thankfully not seeing anything else that would ruin me.

"Tom, that song doesn't need tuning up! Its amazing! I say thats ready to demo straight away!" Danny went wide eyed at me, yet again. "no, its awful." What I didn't want to admit was that I had written that about Danny. "well I think its perfect the way it is!" Dougie also argued, all 3 of them seemed so serious, so I gave in, they were better music judges that I was, now all we had to do was get Fletch to like it...that was not going to happen now.

149 Harrys POV

An hour later, we were showing Fletch 'Naked' having played it through about 20 times. So far he seemed impressed, which was a good sign. "now there's a song! Took you long enough didn't it?" Fletch sent a particularly filthy look at Tom and Danny, Tom looked away, Danny glared right back. "right, start recording it. We'll see where we go with this." Fletch finally nodded and walking out again, already phoning someone up.

"thank god for that! So if we start with some of the vocals?" Danny suggested, finally smiling properly. "alright then, you go first?" I smiled too, because seeing Danny smiling properly was infectious. "yeah, alright then. I'll be 10 minutes." Danny ran into the vocal booth, setting everything up single handedly. "see, told you that song was good!" I encouraged Tom, who still looked awkward and out of place. He just shrugged, biting at his nails, alarms bells went off inside my head, was that him trying to cause pain to himself? And if so, what was causing it? Were our compliments causing him to hurt himself like that? All I could think about was Tom self harming, I hadn't even seen his arm and didn't ever want to.

Danny started singing then, breaking my thoughts. The lyrics floated around the room, and they really settled into my head, showing how insecure Tom was.

"I wake up in the morning

Put on my face

The one that's gonna get me

Through another day

Doesn't really matter

How I feel inside

'Cause life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me

The walls just disappeared

Nothing to surround me

And keep me from my fears

I'm unprotected

See how I've opened up

Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've never felt like this before

I'm naked

Around you

Does it show?

You see right through me

And I can't hide

I'm naked

Around you

And it feels so right

I'm trying to remember

Why I was afraid

To be myself and let the

Covers fall away

I guess I never had someone like you

To help me, to help me fit

In my skin

I never felt like this before

I'm naked

Around you

Does it show?

You see right through me

And I can't hide

I'm naked

Around you

And it feels so right

I'm naked

Oh oh yeah

Does it show?

Yeah, I'm naked

Oh oh, yeah yeah

I'm so naked around you

And I can't hide

You're gonna see right through, baby"

I could see why Tom didn't want people to hear the song, but it was so good and we had nothing else to use that Fletch liked. "was that good?" Danny ran back in again, looking expectantly at us. "yeah, really good." I nodded, still thinking about what went through Toms head when he wrote this.

"hey, when did you first write that Tom?" I asked eventually, in between drum takes 2 hours later. "er, about 5 years ago." Tom shrugged from his corner, he was still hastily scribbling down lyrics to other songs, desperate to finish another one. "really? Before or after we got together?" Danny looked up from his guitar, I could see the cogs turning in his brain. "after." Tom answered, biting at his lip. Obviously, we all thought the same thing at the same time, that was about Danny, breaking through Toms insecurity and making him see sense, and open up about his thoughts about himself.


	76. Chapter 76

**xxPUDDxx - thanks, the song is called Naked, and its by Avril Lavigne :)**

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150 Dougies POV

We spent the whole day in the studio, managing to record the song fully and get most of it sounding amazing by the end of the day. The only thing that still needed doing was sorting out who sung what, Tom wanted me to sing in there somewhere, while Danny wanted Tom to sing the whole thing, while me and Harry wanted them to sing it together. It was a bit confusing I must admit, and I had no idea on how to find a arrangement we all liked.

In the end, we just gave up and went home, thinking sleeping on it might help. "so, anyone up for a sleep over round ours?" I asked as we drove up to our houses, after having a discussion with Harry. After Fletchs rant at Tom today, we both wanted to keep an eye on him, just in case. I could sense that there was something I didn't know too, that everyone else did, and I wanted to find out what it was. "yeah alright then, whats the plan?" Danny got out the car, keeping a hold on Toms sleeve so he didn't go anywhere. "er, pizza, movie, couple of beers. The usual." Harry shrugged, slipping his hand into my own.

"alright, I'm game for that. Up for it Tom?" Danny moved his hand so it was holding onto the blondes fingers. "no, I'm tired, I'll just go to bed." Tom shook his head, trying to walk away, Danny yanked him back. "yeah right, come with us. It'll be fun, you need a little bit of fun after the past few days." I encouraged, grabbing his other hand, squeezing his cold, bony fingers. "I'm fine, just leave me alone. I want to go to bed." Tom pulled himself away from us and started walking back to his house. "no! Tom you can't be alone right now!" Danny panicked, running after him, catching the blonde before he got too far away. "why can't I be alone? I'm fine!" Tom looked half way between annoyed and scared.

"no you're not! I'm scared you'll hurt yourself!" Danny blurted, wait, what did he mean by that?! "sh*t, Dougs, we better go inside, you don't want to see this." Harry jumped into action, trying to push me down the road. "what? Harry whats going on?" I dug my heels in and fought against his pushing. "nothing, but lets go inside, leave Tom and Danny to talk it out okay? And get ready for them coming round." Harry was panicking, and nothing good was happening when Harry was panicking. That was almost as bad as when Danny panicked, because if Danny was panicking it had to be bad. And considering both of them were panicking something extremely bad was going on, and I was being kept out of it.

"no! Harry tell me whats going on, don't lie to me! You promised to never lie to me so tell me whats happening right now!" I argued, I didn't care how bad it was, I needed to know what was happening! "Dougie, you really don't want to hear this." Harry sighed, holding onto my arms to keep me looking at him. "why not? Whats happening? Why is everyone panicking?" I had an awful feeling that this was going to turn out very badly. "because, you know Danny said he was scared Tom was going to hurt himself?" as soon as Harry said it, the penny dropped. "cuts?" I whispered, feeling tears well in my eyes and my lungs close off, I couldn't breathe properly already. "yeah, I'm so sorry Doug, I am so sorry. I didn't mean for you to find out this way." Harry pulled me close, wrapping me into his arms to calm me down.

151 Toms POV

In the middle of my argument with Danny, I whipped my head round to see Dougie crying into Harrys chest, the older trying to comfort the blonde. "why Tom?! Why are you doing that to yourself?!" Dougie cried, he looked so angry, so, so angry. "I-I, I just... wait, you told them?" I turned back to Danny, who now looked sheepish. "I didn't! I didn't tell Dougie at least! It may have...slipped to Harry but it wasn't my fault!" Danny admitted, paling right in front of me. "you what? You told him! You promised me you wouldn't tell! You f*cking promised me! You lied to me and I believed you! Why did you lie to me?!" I shouted, the loudest I had used my voice in over a year. I knew I was supposed to be blending into the background and not being so attention seeking, but I couldn't just leave this. Danny had told me yet another lie, I couldn't just leave it be anymore.

"I didn't! I wasn't going to tell anyone! It just slipped out this morning! I never meant to!" Danny lied yet again, his acting had gotten better because it actually looked like he was panicking over this. "yeah right! You lied to me again! Do you ever not lie to me? How could you lie to me like this, over and over again?" I cried, tears blurring my vision. Why did he have to lie to me all the time? I never did anything to him! I only ever told him the truth (okay, I lied a few times, but nothing as big as this) and all I got were lies in return! I hated it!

"what? Tommy, I've never lied to you, what are you talking about?" Danny looked confused and scared, yep, I had cornered him now. "don't call me Tommy! I'm not 'Tommy' okay? And stop lying to me! You lie to me every single day! Do you know how much that hurts? Do you know how much pain I'm being put through by you lying to me, by all of you lying to me? I know the truth okay? So stop f*cking lying and saying stuff that isn't true! Just tell me the truth okay?" I cried out, tugging at my hair as a panic attack hit me.

I couldn't even breathe through tears and panic, it hurt so much to know that they were talking about me behind my back, then lying to my face constantly about everything. "Tom, you need to calm down, you're hyperventilating." Danny stepped forward, putting his hands on my shoulders. "don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me!" I pulled away and fell over, flat onto the tarmac of my driveway, black spots came over my vision but I fought them away, fighting to stand back up again. "Tom, calm down! You have to stop crying now, let me see your head, and we can talk about this." Danny tried to reason with me, I was having none of it.

"no! Don't touch me, don't come near me! You'll only lie! You always lie! Leave me alone!" I shouted, stumbling backwards every time Danny stepped forward until I hit my front door. "fine I won't touch you, but listen to me okay? Calm down, before you pass out. And once you're calm we can talk about this, no lies, just honest truth, okay?" Danny reasoned, but that thought made me panic even more. I didn't want the truth either! I didn't want to be told that I was ugly and disgusting, that I couldn't sing and didn't deserve to be in the band. I didn't want to hear what that magazine had said again, only this time worse because it was from the people I loved so much. "no! Just, don't talk to me! Please, don't talk to me! Leave me alone!" I cried, finally finding the doorknob and running inside, locking the door from the inside and running upstairs, falling to the bathroom floor and sobbing until I blacked out.


	77. Chapter 77

**xxPUDDxx - sorry, i keep on forgetting to put in credits for songs when i put them in! i'll try to remember to put the title and artist in from now on :)**

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152 Dannys POV

I didn't understand Toms outburst at all, I didn't understand where he got the lying idea from. I hadn't ever lied to him once, not even once had I lied to him, about anything. "Tom, open up please. We need to talk right now." I sighed, banging on the bathroom door. I had been here for over an hour now, just shouting for Tom to come out and talk to me about this, I was starting to lose my voice. "I never lied to you Tom! Never! I didn't mean to let slip about the cutting! I wasn't going to tell people! Just open up the door please! We can talk about this! Please Tom!" I was crying with desperation, god knows what Tom was capable of doing right now, I didn't want to be faced with his blood all over himself and the floor. The image from last night was enough to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.

Tom didn't make a sound from inside the room, apart from soft sobs and whimpers, I wouldn't be surprised if by the end of this he would be able to drown in his tears. "Tom please. Come on, let me in. We can sort this out together, you've got it all wrong." I banged on the door again, my palm had gone numb from hitting the door so many times. "go away! Just go away!" Tom shouted, he was scrambling on the floor for something, or maybe further from the door.

"no, Tom we need to talk. You've got it all wrong, I haven't ever lied to you, not once. I don't know where you got that idea from but I haven't lied to you. It was an accident when I told Harry, it was just a slip up! I never, ever meant for you to feel like this, I'm sorry. It was a pure accident, you know I'm not the smartest person in the world, I blurt things out all the time, I didn't mean to blurt that out!" I apologised, putting my head against the door. "stop lying to me! Go away! Leave me alone! Don't talk to me anyway, okay? Just stop it!" Tom shouted right back, he was panicking and crying, I could hear it clearly. It broke my heart into pieces.

"Tom I am not lying to you! And I will not go away until you come out and talk to me! I have made the mistake of walking away before, and I'm not leaving you until you are okay again! Just come out and talk to me." I argued, I hated Toms stubborn side so much right now, we could talk about this, we could make up. If he just came out we could talk about this. "no! I will not be lied to anymore okay? Just shut up and go away! Don't talk to me anymore, tell everyone to stop talking to me unless its about the band. I don't want to talk to anyone unless its about the band!" Toms voice was shaking so much, it was awful to hear.

"what? Tom no, don't do this. Come out of there and talk to me. We can sort through this." I was crying uselessly, and to be honest, it was all I could do apart from beg for forgiveness. "will you just shut up! Shut up! Stop lying to me! Don't talk to me! Only talk to me if its about the band! I don't care about anything else!" Tom hit the floor, and I winced when I heard his thump.

153 Harrys POV

Eventually, Danny had to give up, after spending a whole day sitting outside Toms bathroom. All he had achieved in that day was getting Tom in hysterical tears and making him shout that the only thing he wanted people to talk to him about was the band. "Danny, come on, try again tomorrow. He'll come out if we leave." I sighed, pulling Danny away from the door, being met with resistance. "no! Let me stay! I want to stay! Tom needs me!" Danny cried, fighting against my arms. "Danny, leave him some time, okay? We've messed up his head, and we need to just give him a minute to breathe. We know about his cutting, thats got to mess him up a little. Just let him get used to this, okay?" I managed to drag him away and downstairs, all the time kicking and screaming, crying his poor eyes out in pain.

"come on Dan, lets just go home, you need to sleep." I somehow managed to pull him down the road too, hearing the bathroom door open upstairs before I closed the front door. Dougie locked it for me and ran to open the door to Dannys house, helping me drag him inside, having to try and calm him down. "Danny stop screaming! You need to calm down!" I shouted at him, somehow managing to restrain him a little. "no! Let me go! I need to go back now!" Danny cried out again, writhing about in my arms, tears falling down his face. "it'll be fine Danny, trust me. Now calm down, Tom will be fine." I struggled with him until I ended up pinning him to the floor.

"no he won't! He'll cut, he'll cut so bad he'll die! He can't die! I can't just lay back and watch him die!" Danny argued, panicking so much he almost couldn't breathe. "oh sh*t! We can't do that! Harry we have to go back!" now Dougie was panicking, and Danny stopped struggling as much. He knew that for me, when Dougie was panicking about something, he usually got the option that meant he was happier and not panicking. "exactly! We have to go back! Harry we have to back!" Danny pleaded, trying to sit up as my grip loosened a little on him. "right heres whats happening. I'm going to go check on him, you two are going to stay here. You two are not going to panic and freak out and everything will be fine, okay?" I sighed, hating taking charge like this. Tom was the one who took charge in bad situations, not me. I was awful at maintaining control over the youngest of the four of us.

"but I need to go round! Tom needs me!" Danny argued, still struggling against me. "Danny, Tom hasn't really talked to you for 24 hours, he thinks you've lied to him. Maybe its better you sit this one out, okay? Let me calm him down, then we can all talk to him about this." I sighed, coming up with a plan to make sure Danny stayed put for now. "I can still talk to him! Please, I'm his boyfriend, let me see him!" Danny cried, his eyes turning red raw from all the burning tears.


	78. Chapter 78

**xxPUDDxx - hmm, we'll see about that! :)**

154 Dougies POV

In the end, Harry managed to reason with me and Danny, so we actually stayed put, and let him run round to see if he could calm Tom down...and hopefully stop him abusing his arms more. "so, just stay here, okay? Just stay. I'll hopefully be back soon, and if I need you, I'll call." Harry sighed, running down the road, leaving me and Danny to freak out.

"what if he's cut himself? What if its so deep he ends up in hospital again? What if he never talks to us again?" Danny paled so badly, he almost looked like a ghost. "he will talk to us again, Harry will sort him out." I tried to remain calm, so I didn't set off Danny even more. "but what if he's already cut? You haven't seen his arm! Oh god, his arm is awful, its all scratched and..." Danny trailed off and shuddered. "Danny, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't want to know until I see for myself. I'll imagine it to be worse than it actually is." I hugged myself tightly, wishing for Harry to come back and hold me, and for Tom to walk through the door and be his normal Tom like self from before his depression. I knew that wouldn't happen, but I wished it would, I hated having things like this happening. I had thought that when Tom and Danny had gotten back together that everything would get better, that Tom would be happier, that he would act like normal, when in fact, everything had gotten worse. All I wished for was something to come along and save him, or for him to see sense and let us save him from the demons running around in his head.

2 hours later, we were still waiting for a phone call or any sign that Tom was calmer now, and were getting nothing. Danny was literally rocking back and forth on the floor, tugging at his hair, freaking out. Not even Brucie coming along and laying on his lap calmed him down. "Harry should be back now, Tom should be calm now, why aren't they back yet?" Danny whimpered, finally removing his hands from his hair and wrapping them around the dog. "I don't know Dan, maybe Harrys just making sure that Toms 100% first before leaving him. Or talking to him about the food thing." I shrugged, not really knowing what was going on, only hoping it was good, and not destroying Tom even more. "what food thing?" Danny asked, looking confused.

155 Harrys POV

As Tom was passed out from exhaustion, I wrapped his arm in a bandage, so the 3 new cuts wouldn't get infected. His arm looked awful, truly awful. There were so many cuts, it scared me a little to see the harm he had caused himself over the past few months, right under our noses without us realising a thing. "why didn't you tell us anything, huh? We could have sorted this out without this happening to you." I sighed, gently stroking Toms hair, messing it up even more.

Of course, Tom didn't say anything, just carried on sleeping, his head pillowed on my lap. I had moved it there, so we were close in some way, hoping it would calm him down a little. "you'll be alright Tom, in the end, you'll be alright." I whispered, promising myself and him that we would make him okay again, he would be alright, all of us would die trying if we had to. We would tear the world apart for each other, and this was no exception, we would make Tom better, without a doubt we would make him better, no matter what the cost.

Half an hour into Tom sleeping, I got a text from Dougie, asking what was going on. 'Toms sleeping, he cut, I've sorted him out.' I replied, getting another text a few seconds later. 'sorted out cut or the whole lying thing?' Dougie asked, I could almost feel the panic radiating from the text. 'the cut, will sort out the lying thing once he's woken up.' I texted back, leaving it there so I didn't make Danny or Dougie panic even more.

Tom slept for 2 more hours, before waking up and panicking because of how he was laying. "hey, hey don't worry. I'm still here because we need to talk." I said in my softest voice, the one I usually reserved for Dougie when he was scared and about to pass out. "no we don't! Get out! Leave me alone!" Tom argued, looking like a deer caught in headlights, wide brown eyes and all. "yes, we need to talk. Oldest to second oldest, without the other two panicking. You're not thinking straight right now, and you need to at least talk things through with someone. Its not healthy to be cutting like you are, you can kill yourself doing that." I warned, though I was sure Tom wasn't listening very well at the moment, he was a bit too busy backing away.


	79. Chapter 79

**xxPUDDxx - hmm we'll see :P**

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156 Toms POV

I backed away so much I fell off the end of the bed, biting back a cry of pain, I felt so weak, it hurt to just drop not even 2 feet. "Tom listen to me, you need to stop this cutting, at the very least, okay? You're going to seriously hurt yourself. You know what happened a few months back where you almost died because you cut too deep, that can happen again so easily, and you'll die, and that would break everyones heart." Harry was pleading, but I could barely hear him, I was blocking out his pointless words, and everyone elses pointless words. They were lies, all of them were lies, every single word was a lie. How could I have let everything turn into lies, so there wasn't even a foundation of truth to anything anymore? I was just so gullible and stupid, I had believed every word everyone had said. I hated myself for it.

"shut up! Just shut up okay? I don't believe you!" I cried, feeling those stupid tears well up again and stinging me behind my contact lenses. "Tom please, come on, just calm down a little and listen. You know, deep down, that I'm telling the truth about this." Harry came down to sit next to my trembling body, his hand gently resting on my freshly bandaged arm. "w-when did that get there?" I whispered, not remembering putting that on there, I couldn't really remember much from the past few hours to be honest. "I put it on earlier, while you were sleeping, so it doesn't get infected." Harry explained, holding a little tighter as I tried to tug my arm out of his grip.

"stop looking after me! Please, just stop! Go home, please go home." I whimpered, realising he was looking after me again. I didn't need looking after, I needed to be left alone with my razor, my only friend. "no, its okay to admit to needing a little bit of help. Its what we're here for. We can help in whatever way you need us. Anything to help you feel better." Harry smiled, attempting to wrap me into his arms. "no! Get off me! Don't hug me!" I cried out, writhing in his arms to get away, but it never worked, Harry was too strong.

"no Tom, I won't let you go. We're not making the same mistakes again, okay? We can talk this through, and get over this, because we haven't lied to you once." Harry lied yet AGAIN! I knew it was all lies, everything was lies, they were keeping me in a fantasy, and I didn't even want to know the reality of the actual situation. "yes you have! Stop with all the lies! Just leave me alone and go away! I don't want to talk to you anymore!" I knew talking all about what I wanted was attention seeking, but I just wanted Harry to at least let me go. I must have been disgusting him by now, I didn't want him to be disgusted and be forced to carry on holding me. It felt awful to be held right now, knowing that I was horrible and deformed so badly I was going to need surgery to fix all the problems.

"Tom stop it, I'll let you go if you promise to not run away. Will that make you feel better?" Harry asked, I whimpered and nodded, wanting to scream at him to go away and leave me alone. He shouldn't have been here, unless it was about the band, no-one should be over here unless it was about the band. There was nothing else I wanted to talk about with anyone, everything else would all by lies. I couldn't stand lies.

Finally, I was let go of, and I leapt away into a corner, curling myself up in a protective ball. "Tom, stop hiding, and talk to us. Talk to me, I won't tell anyone else what you said if you don't want me to." Harry came closer again, putting his hand on my arm again. "don't touch me, and don't lie to me either. Just f*ck off! I don't want to talk to you, you'll blab it to everyone just like Danny did! There is nothing wrong with me anyway, so just leave me alone!" I growled, pulling my abused arm away. "I won't, I won't tell another person if you don't want me to. I'm not out to make you worse, I'm here to make you feel better." Harry lied, and I just ignored him, shutting out everything and pretending that I didn't exist, that this was a nightmare world for other people, the real world didn't have such a waste of space like myself in it.

157 Dannys POV

I couldn't believe it, Tom hadn't been eating? Surely he would have asked for more, he did know he could ask for more food...right? "are you sure? Cause there could be a reasonable explanation for it...there has got to be a reasonable explanation, right? Cause Toms not stupid, he knows better than that, surely he knows better than that!" I whimpered, Tom was the sensible one out of us all, who knew better than to do something like deliberately not eat ! He knew better! I was sure he knew better!

"Danny, you know Tom isn't thinking straight, he probably doesn't know what he's doing. He's usually more sensible than that, but at that point, there was no other food, and he didn't want to disturb us." Dougie sighed as the door opened, the both of us running to the door. "is he okay? Whats happening? Please tell me everythings okay!" I got the first say when I noticed that Harry didn't have a Tom trailing behind him. "everythings alright at the moment, Carries come round now, so Toms supervised for a while. And at the moment Toms watching cartoons, having a bit of a rest. He'll be okay for a few days." Harry sighed, pushing us both back into the front room.

"are you sure? Cause I just, I don't want him to kill himself by accident or not." I whimpered, not wanting to have to live without Tom, I would actually kill myself without him. "yes, Tom will be fine for a few days. Carrie is with him, she'll keep an eye on him." Harry nodded, flopping onto the sofa with us, almost deflating. "but she's only 18! She can't possibly look after Tom by herself!" I whimpered, there was no way that Carrie would be able to look after her brother, no way.

"we won't leave her to do it all by herself! I'm not thick! But while we're not there, she's making sure he's alright. Tom seems to listen to her more, so she might be able to get through to him." Harry explained, okay that made more sense. "alright, so why aren't we all round there now?" Dougie asked, wriggling into Harrys arms. "because we've only just got him calm, there's no point riling him up again just so we can be with him for a few hours, which would be spent calming him." Harry sighed, squeezing Dougie in one arm, me in the other.

"fine, but we're going down tomorrow, or at least I am. I have to talk to him, make things right. Thank god we're off tomorrow." I decided, I wasn't going to leave Tom by himself for too long. I wanted to make it up with him as soon as possible, so he could be my boyfriend, so he could be happy again.


	80. Chapter 80

**xxPUDDxx - hmm we'll have to see about that, and thanks! :)**

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158 Toms POV

I sighed heavily as Carrie walked in, carrying two plates of amazing looking food, placing one in front of me. "eat up, you need your strength back." She smiled a little, sitting down next to my feet. I was laying on the sofa at the moment, curled up in a tight ball, trying to watch the cartoon so I didn't start crying again. "I'm not hungry." I pushed the plate away and shut my eyes, I didn't want to be tempted. I wasn't allowed nice food like that, I couldn't be allowed nice food like that, I was too disgusting.

"well, eat anyway. Mum and dad always said its best to eat even if you're not hungry, it'll do you some good, even if I'm not the best cook in the world." Carrie smiled, placing a few more chips in her mouth. "mum and dad lied, they didn't love us." I muttered, because they actually hadn't. They had hated at least me from the minute I was born, and turned against Carrie as soon as I started looking after her when she was a toddler, because I had tainted her with my own uselessness. "yes they did. Dad just couldn't take it anymore and mum...can't cope without him." Carrie lied, mum hated us because we caused dads nervous breakdown. And it was all my fault, I pushed literally everyone away from me, Carrie was the only one left who I hadn't managed to manipulate away from me yet. It was only a matter of time before I did.

"whatever, still not eating." I grumbled, turning over so my face was hidden in my arms against the sofa cushion. "fine, but you're eating tomorrow morning at the latest, alright? I'm here to keep an eye on you and look after you, I'm not going to back down and let you carry on like you are now." Carrie warned, but in her friendly tone, like she actually cared. I was the only true family she had left, it was the only reason she was here, so she wasn't the only alive and sane Fletcher left. She didn't actually care about me, there was no way she cared about me, so I didn't even care anymore, I wasn't about to listen to her.

"also, we're going to talk, about this whole business of cutting and lying. You shouldn't be cutting and you should know by now that none of us have lied to you." Carrie made me whimper, couldn't everyone leave the cutting out now? Its not like it mattered anyway, it was a coping mechanism, it wasn't anything bad really. It was just seen as bad, to me it wasn't. "yeah, right. You have no idea at all." I glared, pulling my sleeves down over my hands. "really? Try me. Whats with the whole lying thing?" Carrie put down her dinner and turned to face me, crossing her arms, fixing me with an evil glare that she had learnt from years of acting.

"it doesn't matter, I've fixed it." Yeah, fixing it as in refusing to talk to anyone else it was about the band. They couldn't lie to me about that, could they? "really, refusing to talk to people really fixes that one, doesn't it? Look, I get it a little, Dan told Harry by accident after he said he wouldn't tell anyone about you're cutting. That can be seen as a lie, though it wasn't intentional. But there is nothing else than can be classed as lies." Carrie countered, she really was clueless in all this, wasn't she? I wasn't about to tell her either, no way was I telling her about this. She would blab to the others about it, then they would try and convince me that they weren't lying, I wasn't falling for it again. I wasn't that pathetic.

"fine, if you don't talk about it, write a song or something! Just get your emotions out somehow at least!" Carrie stood up and grabbed my lyric book, dragging me upstairs to my music room. Great, she was going to find out this way now instead.

159 Dougies POV

The next day we went to see Tom and he was still the same as yesterday, he was so angry with us for apparently lying to him, he couldn't even look at us anymore. Carrie had said that she couldn't get anything out of him either, that he refused to tell her about the lying thing, and refused to eat anything either. But, on the plus side, he hadn't hurt himself since she had arrived.

The whole day was basically wasted because all we did was try and talk to Tom, and all he did was walk away from us, not letting us touch him or anything. "Tom come on, talk to us. We need to talk about this, about everything. You're not thinking straight, we didn't lie to you, not once. Where are you getting this lying thing from?" Danny tried again, gingerly reaching out and putting his hand on Toms shoulder. Tom just shoved his hand off, scratching at his arm. He had the calmest exterior I had ever seen, the only sign that he was panicking was his hand scratching almost frantically at his arm, where I guessed his cuts were. I shuddered, not wanting to think of how ill mentally Tom was.

"Tommy, baby come on. We can't sort this out together if you just talk to us. We'll listen, we'll change, we'll stop doing whatever it is thats making you this stressed. We'll do anything for you, I would change the world for you if thats what you wanted." Danny sighed, his hand hovering over Toms shoulder again, like he was debating whether or not he should try again. "stop quoting lyrics. And whats stressing me out is you lot, so get out and leave me alone." Tom finally answered, squashing himself more into the corner he was hiding in, managing to somehow look smaller than me.

"what do you mean we're stressing you out? Are we putting too much pressure on you? Cause we can lighten up you know, we can go slowly with everything." Harry joined in, squeezing me so I didn't end up panicking too much. How were we stressing Tom out? We were just trying to understand what was going on with him, and make him feel better. "just go away okay? I don't want to talk about it." Tom sighed, walking off again, slamming the door to his music room again. "guys, I think its best you leave him now. You've tried with him, come back and try again tomorrow. I'll talk to him tonight, see if I can knock some sense into him. By the way, where did the toys go? I can't find them anywhere." Carrie asked, pointing the door, thats when I noticed that there wasn't even the old sign on it. Tom had put on a sign saying 'Ewok village' on the door to his music room, it wasn't there anymore.


	81. Chapter 81

**xxPUDDxx - hmm we'll see ;) **

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160 Harrys POV

"I don't know Carrie, Tom packed them up about a month ago, saying he didn't want them anymore. I don't know where they are anymore, I thought you had them." I explained, squeezing Dougie when I realised he was shaking. "no, I hadn't heard of this at all. I didn't even realise that he had packed them up." Carrie sighed, biting at her lip, "I'll keep looking for them, or ask Tom where he put them later. But for now, I think you should go so I can get him calm again. And I can have yet another argument with him. We have never fought this much, we've argued in the past day more times than we did when we had all those problems with mum and dad!"

"alright, good luck with that. Hopefully we can sort him out at least little in the next few days. See you tomorrow Carrie." Danny hugged the girl, like he would have if it was Tom. "yeah, see you tomorrow guys. I'll try with him, but I doubt it will work. I've got him writing songs though, so thats something." Carrie hugged right back, like it was her brother she was hugging too. "thats good, at least its one way to keep him occupied that doesn't involve blood and sharp objects." Dougies bottom lip quivered, so I hoisted him into my arms, carry him and hugging his little body so he didn't cry.

"yeah, its good. Right, I better get back to coaxing him into talking, you guys don't want to be here for that for sure." Carrie let go and led us out, looking just as miserable as we felt. "oh, tomorrow, if you could try and bring round any toys that Tom might have left at yours I would grateful. I'm guessing he'll lighten up once there's a few toys around protecting the place." Carrie smiled at last, it was a tired one though. "we'll have a look for some toys, don't worry, we'll find something." I smiled back, still carrying little Dougie, knowing he wanted to burst into tears at the thought of Tom hurting himself.

It didn't take long for him to break down, only until we got back to ours. The minute I closed our front door, Dougie was crying, literally sobbing into my shoulders, his tiny hands clasping at my shirt. "aw, Dougie no. Don't do this, don't cry! It'll be okay, Carries keeping an eye on him, its going to be fine." I set us down on the sofa, immediately getting a lapful of Dougie and Flea the dog. "m-make him better H-Harry! Please, make him better!" Dougie cried, it was times like this when I hated that Dougie still thought I could fix everything. I usually could, but I couldn't fix this like I could fix his scraped knees from skateboarding accidents. "I wish I could Dougs, but I can't, it'll take time to fix Tom...and Danny. Its going to take time to get them okay again." I sighed, feeling my heart break at his tears, knowing I couldn't fix it, that I had to deny him. "but please still fix him! Please, you have to fix him!" Dougie whimpered, Flea rested his head on Dougies lap, looking up sadly at his original owner. "we will fix him Dougs. I promise we'll help fix him, Tom won't cut himself anymore, and we'll make him smile, like we did on that photo shoot, we'll make him smile like that, and laugh like he used to. Now cheer up a little, you're making Flea sad." I ruffled the dogs fur before Dougie hugged him too. "sorry Flea, we'll sort it all out soon, won't we?" Dougie turned to me, his watery eyes pleading me to do something. "of course, we'll sort it all out. We'll sort out Tom and Danny, so we're all happy again." I promised him and myself, because I hated seeing the 3 guys I loved so much so depressed.

161 Dannys POV

After another useless day and sleepless night, I had a plan on how to try and make Tom understand that I understood his self harm. I didn't start planning it until after lunch, thinking that would be best, so I could decide what I was going to say. "Tom, look, can we try and talk about this please? I want to talk about this." I started, seeing him freeze in terror, his breathing turning very shallow. "no, I don't want to talk." Tom managed to say, getting up and running off before I could catch him.

"Tom no! Don't run away, I need to talk to you!" I shouted, dashing after him, managing to trap him against a wall, pinning his hands to it. "get off me! Don't touch me! I don't want to talk to you, go away!" Tom cried out, writhing, I just pushed against him harder. "no, we need to talk now. I'm not going to shout at you like Fletch does, we're going to talk calmly and sensibly, like the adults we are." I couldn't believe I was having to talk to Tom like this, like he was a toddler having a tantrum. "stop lying! Will you stop f*cking lying?! Just shut up and go away!" Tom shouted, fighting against me but getting nowhere. He was so weak he literally couldn't push that far against me. I easily kept him pinned.

"not until we talk okay? I'm not lying to you, I will never lie to you. Just stop struggling and I'll let you go. If you stop struggling and promise to not run away, I'll let you go." I knew for a fact that Tom was going to run away from me no matter what I said, thats why Harry and Dougie were on the other side of the door, ready to push him back inside here and lock the door so he couldn't run away. I know that sounded cruel, but I wanted to stop him from doing this, I wanted to be able to have a normal conversation with him. I just wanted to have Tom back. We had been a perfect couple for just a few days, and I wanted that back so much right now.

"fine, let me go then." Tom growled, standing still, but breathing heavily, panic still clear in his perfect eyes. So, I let him go, stepping away from his shivering body, and thats when he made a run for it, like I predicted. And like I had predicted, Harry and Dougie came to the rescue and shoved Tom back inside the room (a little too harshly if you asked me, considering he fell and landed heavily) and locked the door. "what?! No! Let me out! Let me out!" Tom started crying, panic well and truly kicking in now, it broke my heart.

"Tom, come here, we'll let you out once you've listen to me for a bit. It'll be okay in the end, alright? I'll make this as short as possible for you, alright?" I sighed, managing to pull him kicking and screaming away from the door. "let me out! Let go of me! I don't want to talk to you! Get off me!" Tom cried out, managing to stamp on my foot but I didn't let that stop me, until I managed to pull him to the bed, sitting him on top of it. "Tom, calm down and listen okay? You'll understand in a minute what this is all about, just stop struggling against me so we can get this over with." I sighed, trying not to enjoy having my arms around this special boy, who meant everything to me. It was the first proper hug I had given him in ages, because I had been so scared of him feeling my own cuts, now that I was going to tell him about it, it didn't matter if he felt them or not.


	82. Chapter 82

**quick notice, i might not be able to add tomorrow, because its my birthday today and i'm going up to London tomorrow to celebrate, but i'll try my best!**

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162 Toms POV

"Tom, listen to me, please. I want you to understand that I understand what you're going through, so you can talk to me about it." Danny sighed, still fighting against my struggling. I couldn't hear more lies, couldn't feel his comforting arms around me, I would start to believe him and I would end up in the same position as I was in a year ago. "let me go! I don't want to know!" I cried, writhing and fighting against his hands that were starting to pin me down against my bed. "Tom please. Just calm down, you'll know what I'm on about in a minute. Just listen to me for a minute." Danny moved so he was sitting on top of me, pinning my flailing arms against the bed.

I screamed loudly, trying to throw him off me, but he wouldn't budge, I was trapped against the bed, forced into listening to him. "please let me go, please, let me go. I'll do anything." I begged, just wanting him off of me, so he didn't have to feel how disgusting I was, or feel my cuts. "okay, I'll let you go if you promise to listen to me. You will understand in a minute what I'm on about, you might regret it, but I think it'll make things easier." Danny loosened his grip a little, I warily stopped fighting against him. Slowly, Danny let me go and got off of me, sitting next to me on the bed, reminding so much of when we had been together. We would sit on my bed for hours talking about nothing and everything at the same time, sometimes, I would cuddle up close to him and read to him, because Danny had said he loved it when I read because of the monsters I put on.

"get it over with then, what do you want to talk about?" I sat up and pulled my long sleeves down, hiding anything that I had inflicted on myself. "about this cutting you do. I want you to know that I understand, completely. More than anyone else round here, I understand what its like. So you can talk about it together, and get over it together." Danny sighed, putting his hand over my own, I pulled it away. "you can't understand." I mumbled, no-one could understand this, they couldn't understand the impulses that made my fingers twitch whenever I saw something sharp. I was desperate for a razor now, it had been three days since I had last felt the razors bite, and had resorted to playing guitar until my fingers bled. "I can, and I do understand. I understand almost completely, all the emotion to it, the need, everything." Danny scratched at his right arm, and it fell in.

"you don't...oh god, please don't tell me you do!" I whimpered, Danny could be self harming! He could not be like me like that! He couldn't be doing that, not Danny, not perfect Danny! "I'm sorry, I do." Danny rolled up his sleeve, undoing the old bit of cloth he had taken from one from my shirts from his wrist, revealing about 10 cuts. They were more jagged than mine, half were almost healed, others were fresh, worryingly fresh, and the remaining were just lines marking his freckly skin. "why? Why have you done this?! You're perfect, how could you do this to yourself?!" I started to cry, knowing those healed ones couldn't be more than a few months old. "it just, got too much, you know? It was too much to cope, nothing was in my control, and I need to control something." Danny sighed, looking ashamed of himself.

"what was too much? What was out of control?" I asked, having to sit on my hands so I didn't run my fingers over the evil lines. "everything. You had just come back and were so unresponsive, so ill and different. It killed me, I felt like it was all my fault, I needed to punish myself for it. I had to punish myself for failing you, unable to control anything around me, I'm so sorry. Hey, don't cry, please, you'll start me off." Danny noticed the tears running back my face, the guilt was too much. It was my fault this happened, it was all my fault. Danny started self harming because of me, because I came back and messed everything up, it was my fault these marks were on his arm. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Its all my fault, I did this to you, I'm so sorry! I never meant for this, never did I think you would do this." I apologised, shuffling away from him, realising how much I had poisoned him. If Dannys thoughts were anything like mine, he was infected by the thoughts of blood and tearing open skin, everything for him was self harm and how to hide it. I had poisoned him with this disease, without even realising, made him like me, which no-one should have ever had to experience.

163 Dannys POV

I realised as soon as I saw Toms tears that it was a bad idea to tell him about why I cut, because now he was blaming himself. "I'm so sorry! I never meant, I never thought you would, I'm just so sorry!" Tom cried, chest heaving with sobs. "its okay baby, its not like we meant for this to happen, was it? Come here, we'll get through this together, okay?" I went to put my arm around his shoulders. "no! Don't touch me!" Tom leapt back like I was infected with a deadly disease. "huh? Tom, its okay. I'll put this back on so you don't have to feel them." I put my cloth bracelet back on, covering the horrible things covering my wrist.

I went to hug him again and this Tom actually leapt off the bed, falling over and smacking against the floor hard, I actually heard his head crack against the floor. "whoa, be careful there! Are you alright?!" I scrambled down next to the blonde, worriedly running my hands through his hair to check for bumps. "y-yeah, I'm fine! No need to check if I'm fine! I'm fine, really!" Tom scrambled backwards, far away from my hands. I had dreaded this happening, Tom thinking that I was dirty now I had harmed myself like this. But I hadn't thought he would be like this, not even letting me touch him.

"Tom, let me look at your head, you hit it pretty hard. Thats gotta hurt, just let me check to see if you've actually left a mark." I had to back him into a corner again, forcing his head down so I could check for a lump, or worse a split open head. Tom had hit the floor so hard, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had seriously hurt himself like that. "get off! Get off! Stop touching me!" Tom cried, writhing until I held him still. "hey, calm down. Its alright. You're heads fine by the way, well physically anyway. I'm not too sure about what going on inside there though." I sighed, gently rubbing Toms shivering back with my left, uncut hand. "its not! Get off! You can't touch me!" Tom whimpered, trying a sudden spurt of wriggling to get free of my arms, it didn't work at all, I still kept hold of him tightly.

"why can't I touch you? I thought you would let me hold you now. I'm your boyfriend Tommy, I thought you would want to be held by me after all this." I ran my hand through Toms golden fringe, moving it from his watery eyes. "y-you can't! I-I'll make you worse! I-Its all my fault! I'm sorry, its all my fault!" Tom cried, tugging at his hair, finally leaning on me a little, though I didn't think he realised he was. "you won't make me worse baby, promise. Come here, with your help, I'm going to stop. We're going to stop together." I sighed, framing his wet face with my large hands, looking into his large, brown, scared eyes.


	83. Chapter 83

**Neon Douche - i'm sorry you feel that way, but i do write really long fics, that don't really have climaxes to them, they're a progression of struggles and getting through bad times, because i don't like rushing through the story without giving it the detail i think it deserves. i like to write through their emotions, and show why the boys do the things they do. but i promise that soon there will be more things happening than just talking and emotion. i'm really sorry that you feel like its dragging, i'm just trying to be thorough in the explanation of what is going through everyones heads. **

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164 Toms POV

"I-I can't stop, I-I'll drag you down with me." I cried, knowing that I would drag Danny down with me if we tried to stop together. I didn't even want to stop, I wanted to carry on like this, I liked cutting, watching the blood come out of me and fix my mistakes. Yes, I was ashamed of my scars, but I didn't want to stop this, it had taken over me and I didn't want it to let go. It was the best way possible for me to end this suffering, I didn't want to stop and throw it all away.

"no, you won't. You won't drag me down further, we'll help each other out, okay? Then we can sort out everything else." Danny smiled a little, keeping my face in his hands, it was starting to freak me out. "please, stop touching me. Just stop with everything. Please stop it." I pleaded, out of anything else to say to stop this. I wanted Danny to stop self harming like me, I wanted him to be clean from the disease that had infected us both, but I didn't want to stop. It was the only reason I coped right now, I only managed to function when I cut because I felt human and clean from my mistakes.

"why? Whats so wrong with touching you now? Have the scars freaked you out?" Danny asked, wiping away my tears. "no! Yes, maybe. You shouldn't have done it! You shouldn't have ever even thought of it! You've permanently scarred yourself! You're perfect and now look! You've ruined yourself!" I cried, not wanting to reveal my feelings towards him. I loved Danny with everything, with every fibre of my being, but I couldn't trust him, he would lie to me again, every single compliment and 'I love you' were lies, and I couldn't trust him to not lie to me like that anymore.

"I'm not perfect, but I know what I've done, and thats its going to be there forever. I know I shouldn't have started and should have talked to someone, but you should have too! You should have said something too, then neither of us would have these scars anymore." Danny sighed, fighting to keep my face in his hands as I tried to pull away. "stop it. Stop trying to care when you're the one who wants help." I managed to shove him away, running to the door again, banging on it and demanding to be let out. Of course, no-one let me out, there wasn't even the sound of movement from the outside, everyone had abandoned us in here until we talked it out. I felt trapped, I didn't want to be here anymore, I wanted out before I blurted something.

"what? I'm not trying to care, I do care! I want you to stop hurting yourself too, don't you want to stop?" Danny grabbed my arm and pulled me to face him, though I couldn't even look at him. I hated eye contact still and I hated the idea of looking someone straight in the eyes while they lied to me. "no, I like it. I don't want help. You can get help and stop but I don't want to." I scratched at my arm again, not wanting to be here so badly. Maybe if I started bleeding again I would be let go of so I could sort myself out and I didn't have to put up with this. "what? Are you serious? This could kill you Tom, don't you realise that? Don't you see how dangerous this is? Why do you think I want to stop this cr*p? Why don't you want to stop?" Danny shouted, grabbing my other hand too and pinned me to the wall.

"because I don't! I like the blood! I like seeing the scars! Okay? I don't want to be stopped! And maybe one day I will die because of it and I won't care! I'll welcome it! At least then I won't be here to see all your 'concern' and have you lying to me everyday!" I shouted, writhing against Dannys controlling hands. "you what?! Tom please don't tell me you're suicidal, please. And I'm not lying! How many times have I said this, I am not lying to you! I love you, why would I lie to you?" Danny was doing very well at acting this, tears were welling in his eyes.

"well there's a lie there already! I know you don't love me, its impossible to love me, hell its impossible to even like me, and don't argue with me I will not believe you. And no I am not suicidal, I just don't care if I live or die anymore. Now shut up and let me go, I'm sick of this now." I growled, fighting against his overpowering body to get free. "oh god, Tommy, I didn't realise you were this bad! I am so sorry baby, so sorry." Danny let those tears fall, stroking my face, making me whimper. Could he stop touching me before I fell for the same old tricks again? "will you stop it? Just please, stop it! Just f*ck off trying to care! I know you don't care, you never have! Stop feeling so sorry for me, I am not that pathetic!" I started crying myself, just wanting to have real love from Danny, real love that made him care for me and love me and kiss me and be perfect. I had thought we had that but we didn't, we had nothing like that. We had lies built upon lies, with me being an idiot for believing it, and Danny being in pain because I had believed all the lies. We had been living a fantasy, and reality was the worst thing imaginable.

"I know you're not pathetic! You're anything but pathetic. Stop listening to Fletchs outbursts! He is being an a*sehole and you know it. And I have always cared Tom, always cared for you, you're everything to me and you can't see it. You've never seen how much you mean to me, I don't think you ever will. I love you with everything, and you never even realise it, I think you're perfect, and you have never believed me once when I've told you. You're everything to me, I just wish you would see that." Danny wrapped his arms around me, still pinning me to the door, holding me close in his arms.

"what do you like about me then, huh? Tell me what you like about me, prove it." I glared, keeping the anger inside me, so I didn't fall for it just so my heart got ripped out again. "I love everything about you Tommy, everything single little thing." Danny answered, pushing some of my lank hair from my face. "liar, tell me things, convince me that you like me." I challenged, moving my head away from his hand, hoping he would come up the cliché stuff so I didn't believe him and the heart ache would go away faster.

"wasn't 'I'd Lie' enough?" Danny sighed, I knew it, he had nothing. "no, you just could have written that about anyone, and just added in the favourite colour and being born on the 17th in." I shook my head, moving out of his arms, I didn't want to be in them while he tried to come up with something decent. "okay, well lets see then. I think that you're beautiful, on the inside and out. You're so nice to everyone around you, and even when you feel sh*t, you treat people like they're the most important person in the world. You care about everyone around you, and put them before yourself every time. Your eyes are perfect, so deep and expressive, and when you smile, you light up the room. Your laugh is the most infectious thing I've ever heard and it still gives me butterflies to hear, and when you laugh because of me, I don't have butterflies, I have full pterodactyls inside. Your always so cuddly, and never deny anyone a hug. That explain it?" Danny tried, it didn't work. He had just described himself, not me, everything was him, not me.

"no, stop describing yourself and admit that you don't love me! Stop trying now, I get it, you don't love me, so just drop it and let me go. Stop taking the p*ss now, I know everything." I sighed, biting back the stinging tears. I had always known Danny was too perfect for me, and I was right, he hadn't ever loved me. "Tom no, stop it and listen. I wrote Wish You Were Here about you, as well as I'd Lie, and Falling In Love, can't you understand, I love you? Its so hard to describe though, I'm not good with words, you know that and I'm honestly trying to get you to understand. I love everything about you, why can't you see that? Do you really need all the reasons why I love you?" Danny grabbed hold of my arm again, he was shaking. "yes! Yes I am that pathetic I need to hear every reason why you love me, okay? And I know you don't so just stop it now and let me go. We can try and be friends if you can stomach it and you're really that desperate for me, if not, just leave me alone and only come round when you need me for band duties." I ripped out of his arms again, feeling my heart break, I had known Danny didn't love me, but when it was slapped in my face, it felt like I was dying.

"fine, I'll tell you the stuff I love about you, alright? You're not pathetic like you seem to think you are, you're just insecure and not sure of yourself. So you check in the mirror 101 times just to make sure you look okay, when you look amazing and you still won't believe it. I love it when you flick your hair out of your eyes and it swishes around your face, like an actual halo. I love how your glasses frame your face and how you barely wear them, unless you're reading or stuck on a song, then you wear them because they make you feel a little bit cleverer, so you can finish your song. I love it when I wake up next to you and then watch as you wake up, making that cute whimpering yawn sound. I love how you always want to cuddle with me when we watch films together, even at movie premieres, you always lean your head on my shoulder throughout the film, even though you're then watching sideways. I love how you always push your belt buckle to the side of your jeans, so you can see the pattern on it. And when you come up with an amazing idea, or have an awesome dream, or make a new food thing you love, you smile like a child who has been given the keys to Toys R Us, your dimple digging into your cheek, like its been carved there." Danny explained, giving me a smile, taking a deep breath. "you're so talented, at everything, singing, playing instruments, writing songs, designing the theme ideas for our concerts and albums. You always have the best ideas, but let us get our ideas out there too without making us look like idiots. You can do so much more than that too, you can fly a plane, and draw the best drawings I have ever seen, you can do some pretty awesome tricks on a skateboard too, and did I mention you're an amazing teacher? You taught me to play piano, and so many things. You got me into so many Sci Fi things, and Disney, and you make me laugh all the time with your jokes. Hell, you even spent a year reading a whole book to me, just because I hate reading and you wanted to include me in every part of your life. You read to me the whole of the Hunger Games because I wanted you to, every night, us two, cuddled up in bed together, you reading to me until I fell asleep, no matter what time it was." Danny smiled a little more, and I cried even more.


	84. Chapter 84

**neon douche - i understand completely, i really hope you don't lose interest, because i feel that there is a lot coming up that you'll enjoy reading :) and thank you i'm glad you enjoyed it!**

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165 Dougies POV

Me and Harry pressed close to the door, trying to hear something about what was going on inside Toms bedroom. All we could hear was crying, I could only hope they were happy tears. "but-but-but you can't! You can't! Its just, how?" I heard Tom cry out, and I could imagine how he was panicking right now. I knew what Danny was doing, he had already told us what he was doing earlier on, so we knew, we knew that Danny also self harmed. I hadn't even looked at his arm, not able to take looking at the hatred both him and Tom had caused themselves. It looked like I was going to be having more nightmares for the next few days now, involving my best friends bleeding on the floor, I had hoped they would go away by now.

Danny said something I couldn't make out, he for once was the quieter of the couple, usually Tom was the quiet one and Danny was the one whose loud voice could be heard loud and clear above everything else. "I-I, how? Your not... I'm not... I just, what?" again it was Toms voice I heard, and this time I heard Dannys too. "Tom, just calm down, do you believe me?" there was a pause. "well then shut up and kiss me, we'll talk more about this later, okay?" typical Danny, saying something bluntly then softening it a little with reassurance. Then, there was silence, so I can only think they were kissing.

"lets leave them to it, but unlock the door, just in case." I sighed, unlocking the door for them before pulling Harry downstairs to Carrie. "well, any news?" she asked the minute we walked in. "well, I think they're kissing. Tom started to freak then Dan calmed him and has told him about his feelings for him and now I think they may be making out." I shrugged, pointing in the direction of Toms bedroom. "ew, didn't need that much information. But, at least they're on speaking...and kissing terms." Carrie shuddered a little at the kissing bit, she still thought it was gross seeing her brother kissing someone like kids did.

We spent another hour waiting for them, just hanging out and filling Carrie in on what the conversation had been like, leaving out any kissing details. "so, basically, Dannys poured out his heart out and Toms struggling to believe him?" Carrie asked. "basically, you know Toms never really believed in himself, or that people love him. He's having a hard time believing it, especially now." Harry nodded, settling me more on his lap. "right, do you think I'm going to have to help convince him?" Carrie sighed, we both nodded. Thats when we finally heard footsteps on the stairs.

166 Harrys POV

We all whipped our heads round to see Tom and Danny finally walk in through the front room door. Danny looked so unbelievably happy, grinning from ear to ear, holding onto Toms fingers in an almost death grip. Tom himself didn't look as happy, and more like he really didn't want to be here still, like he was still so uncertain about all of this. He was even trying to pull his hand away from Dannys, but he was having none of it, the pale fingers being held so tightly in freckled ones it was almost scary.

"ah so they have returned! So, whats the news?" I asked, leaning my head on Dougies shoulder as I felt him start to get more worried, even though the evidence mostly said all good. "we're all good! Actually more than good, amazing in fact! We've sorted it all out, haven't we Tommy?" Danny pulled Tom into his arms, squeezing him close. Tom himself winced at the close contact, and at the nickname, he still didn't look all that happy, more like he was still so worried about everything, like it was just a dream he would soon wake up from.

"aw thats good then. Congratulations guys! So how about a celebration? We'll order a take out, your choice!" Carrie jumped up, grabbing 4 different take away menus and the phone. "alright then, erm, how about Chinese? What do ya think Tom?" Danny leant forward, looking at the menus before pressing a long kiss to Toms hair. "yeah, sure, whatever you want." Tom nodded dutifully, no real emotion there. I would have thought he would have at least smiled or something, but no, there was nothing there apart from slight awkwardness, and fear. Tom actually looked scared, but of what I didn't know, maybe losing Danny?

The Chinese was ordered and delivered in record timing, and eaten just as quickly...by 4 of us, a certain blonde still wasn't eating properly. "hey, come on. Don't let this all go to waste, todays a good day, celebrate with us!" I encouraged, nudging Toms side as he glared at his food, like it would disappear all by itself, or burst into flames. "feel sick." Tom mumbled, shaking his head, picking at the plasters on his fingers, pulling them all off to reveal his bitten nails. "aw, do you baby? Alright, we'll save you your dinner for when you want it, do you want a lay down or something?" Danny ran his fingers over Toms side, he shivered and nodded. "sorry, I just...need to lay down, its been a long day." Tom got up and almost shot out of the room, leaving us all a bit confused.

"are you sure Toms okay? Cause that doesn't look like 'okay' to me." I had to ask, because surely that was not going to be normal Tom like behaviour from now on. "he's fine. Like he said, its been a very long day, its a lot to take in, especially for someone like Tom. He just needs time to adjust, time to get used to things. He'll come round soon enough." Danny promised, worry now coming in on his face too. "you sure? Cause I have a feeling that he won't be okay soon." Dougie joined in, keeping his head down as he ate, I stroked his hair gently to calm him. "Tom will be fine, I'll make sure of it, alright? He's just a little tired and feeling a little sick today because there's been so much to take in and he's not used to it. He'll be fine soon, alright? I know my boyfriend, he's going to be fine, just give him some time." Danny glared, a vague smile turning up at the word 'boyfriend'.

"okay, we'll have to see then, I hope you're right though, cause this is not normal." I sighed, stabbing another chicken ball with my fork, like it would cure my worry.


	85. Chapter 85

**xxPUDDxx - thanks! :)**

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167 Toms POV

I stood in front of the mirror and glared at myself, looking at all the things on my face, analysing them all, because I knew that if I didn't fix them quick, I would no longer have the loving boyfriend I had right now. I still couldn't get over the fact that Danny loved me, after hearing those things he said, I realised that he actually loved me, or at least liked me. How could he possibly like this...thing I was staring at in the mirror? How did he possibly see something he could date, kiss and hug, touch? I didn't get it, and why was it he always managed to blurt out feelings when I was slipping into something 'dangerous?' he always just blurted it out at those times, he saved me from my demons last time, this time he wouldn't be so lucky. I knew these demons were real this time, that this wasn't some stupid disorder bringing me down, this was real stuff, completely real deformity, that had to be fixed now.

In my head, I made a list of things that needed fixing, needing perfecting. The size of my chin, my too pale skin, (somehow) change my eye colour, do something with my hair, get rid of these moles and freckles, put on some weight and get some muscles. That was just the start of the list, there was so much more than that on there, but this was just to start with. I felt sick looking at myself right now, physically sick looking at my own reflection, realising how disgusting I looked, how disgusting I was. How Danny loved me I don't know. He deserved so much more, so much better, someone worthy of himself, someone who was beautiful and had a personality and talent. I had nothing compared to himself, he was so perfect, so amazing, I don't know how or why he fell in love with me, or why he was so determined to keep me his. It was a huge mistake, probably my fault, that made him like me. Maybe it was something like that Stockholm Syndrome, where kidnapping victims fell in love with their kidnappers so they had a better chance surviving, had I done that to Danny? Had I brainwashed him into liking me? I hoped not, I would have hated to know I had done something so horrible to him.

"hey, so is this where the celebrations at then?" Danny made me leap feet in the air and whip round to face him, panicking. "I, er, what?" I backed away from him and the mirror, looking away from him, I still couldn't even look at his perfect face, couldn't see his look of pure concern and love for me. It stung to see it. "I thought you were going to bed for a lay down, what are you still doing in the bathroom half an hour after you said you were laying down? You haven't, done it again, have you?" Danny sighed, pointing to my arms. "no! No I haven't! I'm clean, promise." I showed him my arms, proving I hadn't touched my arms...yet. "well, thats good. So what are you doing up here?" Danny stepped forward, putting his hand on my shoulder, his other sliding around my waist, pulling me closer to him. "I was just, er, just, thinking. Yeah, I was thinking, about everything." I pulled out of his arms again, not able to stand having someone touch me. Especially someone like Danny, who was so perfect to me.

"alright, well, are you still feeling ill?" Danny followed me, barely letting me out of his hands. "yeah, I still feel a little rough." I wasn't lying, I felt sick of myself, I didn't want to face me anymore. "right, bed time for you then, isn't it? Come one, lets get you into bed. Want me to stay with you?" Danny asked, pushing me towards my dreaded bed once again, his hands holding onto my hips so gently it was like he was handling a baby. I made me grit my teeth, I was not a baby, I was 26 years old and could look after myself, I didn't need someone looking after me. It had gotten worse since he found out about the cutting, treating me like I knew he would, like 'poor fragile Tom needs looking after in case he explodes and kills himself or breaks down in tears all day'. "no, I'll be fine. I'm just going to sleep." I shook my head, just wanting to be left on my own for a while, so I could get my head straight and for everyone to stop fussing over me. "alright then. Well, I'll be up later on, alright? Sleep well, I love you." Danny sighed, tucking me into bed and kissing me gently, setting off 1000 butterflies in my stomach. The tv was turned on and Danny left me on my own, leaving me to actually cry myself to sleep, unable to help but feel so worthless.

168 Dannys POV

"get him off alright?" Carrie worried the minute I came down, Harry and Dougie had gone home, thinking Tom had already gone to sleep when he obviously hadn't. "yeah, he's in bed now, I'll check on him in about half an hour again, just to make sure he's okay." I sighed, slumping onto the sofa, finally deflating against the furniture. "thats good. Well at least we've told him, that we love him." Carrie agreed, resting her head on my arm. "yeah, at least we have told him that. And he seems like he's getting more used to the idea, but is still struggling with the whole relationship thing at the moment. He's not liking the idea of being held at the moment." I squeezed her shoulders gently, sensing her worry for her brother.

"well, we can get him used to that, right?" Carrie asked, wriggling closer to me a little more. "yep, we can get him used to being held. We'll be fine, eventually, we'll be fine." I reassured me and her, wanting so badly to know that Tom would be okay. I was putting on a brave front, but I wanted so badly to just fix Tom, make him better, so he was my Tom again, who let me hold him in my arms, kiss him and love him. Tom was my whole world, and I just wanted him to be happy again, happy as my boyfriend, in my arms, laughing and smiling like he used to.

As promised, half an hour later, I went upstairs, checking that Tom was okay. It broke my heart to see him though, there were tear tracks all the way down his pale face, and scratch marks on his unbandaged arm, it was clear he had run his hands through his hair numerous times too, to be honest, he looked awful. And what was worse, was that he was also laying on the floor, I hadn't even heard him fall out. "aw baby, what have you been crying for, huh? And I thought we had stopped all this now." I sighed, gently scooping the boy up in my arms, cradling him for the 10th time this year.

Carefully, I set Tom down in bed, tucking him into the covers, making sure he was comfy and safe in his blankets. Then, I did a thorough check on his arms, just making sure there was just scratch marks there, and nothing else more dangerous. It shocked me to know that Tom didn't want to stop cutting, I knew I was scared to stop, hell I was terrified to stop, but I hadn't thought about how Tom was going to cope with the idea of stopping. I knew it was a scary thing, to admit it and to try and stop, to be faced with all these emotions, all this guilt, with no way to stop it, maybe Tom was just scared to be faced with his emotions? But, I would help him through that, help him to cope with whatever he was feeling, didn't he know that I would help him, no matter what?

I guessed it was time for me to go to bed too, so I pulled off my jeans and got in, cuddling up to my boyfriend again for the first time in 18 months. It felt so good to hold him close again, like he had never left my arms at all, like my still perfect boyfriend, who I would do anything for. "I love you Tommy, so much. Sleep well, we'll talk more in the morning." I sighed, gently kissing his ruffled golden hair, squeezing his tiny shoulders and finally falling asleep.


	86. Chapter 86

**i'm officially on Easter holidays, woooooooo! so hopefully i should be able to add quicker for the next two weeks! :D**

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169 Dougies POV

Everything mostly stayed the same for the next few weeks, Tom and Danny remained a couple, and Carrie continued to live at Toms, while we came round everyday just to make sure everything was still alright. Tom himself was still practically silent, and was becoming a master at keeping out of everyones hands. We would go to touch him and he'd somehow find a way out of our reach, either suddenly needing to do something or redirecting the way he was walking. Danny could barely even kiss Tom anymore, he always avoided any skin on skin contact, or any physical contact of any kind. He just seemed so scared, like if we touched him everything would come tumbling down around him, because of some strange reason only known to him. We tried to show him it was alright to be touched and loved by hugging each other and play fighting, but it never worked, Tom still seemed to hate the idea of being touched.

We spent most of our days in the studio too, recording 'Naked' 'I'd Lie' and 'Wish You Were Here'. Tom wouldn't show us any of the songs he had written recently, saying they were stupid and pointless, he would say anything to downplay his songs. So I decided to steal his book off of him. It wasn't that difficult really, just had to wait until he was distracted by something then make my move. I waited until it was Toms turn to sing (after many, many arguments, he hated the idea of singing right now, god knows why, his voice was beautiful) then made my move. Tom was setting himself up in the vocal booth, with Danny fussing around him like usual, making sure he was okay and would stay okay throughout this.

"Doug, go now, while he's not looking, go!" Harry pushed me forward, keeping his eyes on the other blonde, making sure he wasn't looking our way. I ran all the way over to the sofa, grabbing the unprotected book and running outside, all without anyone noticing, I was surprisingly light on my feet when I had to be. I ran all the way to the canteen again, stopping on a table far away from direct eye line, hearing and feeling Harry run up too, falling into the chair next to my own. "did they see us?" I asked, gripping the book tightly, like it would help. "no, they're still fussing in the other room. We gunna take a look or what?" Harry asked, nodding towards the book. "I'm scared to, what else had Tom put in here, apart from songs?" I whispered, actually scared to get a look inside Toms head. That was a scary thought at the best of times, but right now, I had no idea how bad Toms thoughts could go, I wasn't even sure I wanted to know.

"I know. But, it'll help us make him better, you know that. We'll make him better, and looking in here will help." Harry grabbed my hand, squeezing it for comfort. "you sure?" I squeezed his hand back, worried for when Tom realised that his book wasn't there anymore. "yeah, it'll help. Now come on, before they realise where Toms book has gone." Harry opened the book, revealing Toms mind to us.

170 Harrys POV

Toms book revealed so much to us, it was awful. Half of the drawings and songs had been scribbled out, with big black pen, so it was all illegible. There were words written in random places all over the paged, things like 'worthless' and 'ugly' were staining the pages. Some songs made me tear up, Dougie barely keeping in tears, though some made us smile. The ones where Tom wrote about love, how much love he felt for Danny. All of the songs were so good, no matter what they were about, even his songs venting about us apparently lying to him. There were some very good songs, that would sound so good once we got playing, I reckoned that there were at least 3 number 1 hits hidden inside that book, now if only we could get Tom to believe in himself and let us use them.

"guys? Have you seen Toms - wait, why do you have Toms lyric book?" Danny ran up, noticing the book in our hands. "we wanted to see his songs! They're incredible! Honestly, we could use quite a few of these!" I quickly explained, showing Danny 'Lies' it was obviously about us 'lying' to Tom about whatever it was (we still didn't know, I think Danny knew but he wasn't telling us), but the song itself was incredible, with so much power, I could imagine the rifts now, they were mind blowing.

"thats just, incredible. Whoa, thats amazing! What else is there?" Danny moved to sit down, letting us show him some other songs, like 'You' and 'I'm Still Here'. "wow, he didn't even show me these, he didn't show me any of these. We should record them though, for sure, they would blow minds!" Danny grinned, his fingers already tapping out the chords against the table enthusiastically, meaning he really, really liked these songs already, planning out all the chords and stuff inside his mind. "I know! But why wouldn't Tom show us these? They're so good, I don't get why he wouldn't show them to us!" Dougie agreed, looking confused, pressing the pages down as Danny tried to turn the page, so he didn't see what else Tom had written. That wouldn't be good for him to see the stuff Tom called himself, he was managing just fine at the moment, we didn't want to send him back into cutting again.

"you know Toms very self conscious right now, he doesn't want to worry us, or disturb us. Also he has no confidence in himself, so he automatically thinks everything he does is awful, and he doesn't want to bring up the past again, now that me and him are together again." Danny explained, was he honestly inside Toms mind or something?! "you sure you're not a mind reader, cause if thats true and Tom hasn't told you that, then whoa." I teased a little, because really, this was Danny we're on about here, he isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the box. "no, I just know Tom a little too well. He is my boyfriend after all, I do know him pretty well." Danny smiled, looking like nothing was wrong, like this was 2 years ago.


	87. Chapter 87

**i'm so sorry, i forgot to add again! i saw the comments, but then forgot to update again! :/ **

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171 Dannys POV

The three of us poured over Toms songs for over an hour, looking through all the different working parts of his mind. I mean, I didn't look at anything but songs, not wanting to completely invade his privacy, Tom still did have the right to keep some things to himself, I just wanted to know what was going on inside his head. I still thought about Toms mental state all the time, because I knew he wasn't alright, he hated to be touched still, wouldn't even let me hold him much, let alone kiss him. But something else worried me even more, Tom had said during our argument the other week that he didn't care if he lived or died. Ever since I had been terrified that he was suicidal, and always almost had heart attacks whenever he went near sharp things, or pills. It made me want to cut again, but I stopped myself, because I was going to be the strong one in this relationship and help Tom along too, he blamed himself too much already for everything, I wasn't going to give him another excuse to be depressed. Reading through this book really helped though, gave me an insight into what Tom was actually thinking, so I knew where I was going wrong, so I could encourage him and build up his confidence again.

"boys! What the hell are you doing?! You're supposed to be helping us find Toms lyric book...wait, whats this?" Fletch made us all jump, grabbing the book off of the table. "Fletch! Er, hi, we were just reading through it, seeing if we could tune up any other songs!" I quickly covered, grabbing it back before he found anything that wasn't supposed to be read. "then why didn't you tell us you found it then? Toms being going out of his mind with worry for his book! Isn't that right, wait where have you gone now?" Fletch turned to empty space behind himself, where I guessed he thought Tom had been, my blood ran cold that he wasn't there. "when did you last see him?" Harry asked, somehow not panicking yet. "just by the studio, Paul was with us, ah, he might have kept him in there just in case." Fletch ran back with us to the studio, where we luckily did find Tom and Paul. Tom was clearly panicking and trying to get out of the studio, but Paul was blocking him every way he tried.

"let me out! Please, I need to find my book! Let me out, I'm not an animal!" Tom cried, trying to push at Paul, but not managing to do anything but get himself pushed backwards and onto the floor with a bang. "hey! Don't push him like that!" I shouted, shoving past the supposed guard and running over to Tom, wrapping my arms around him, thankful when he didn't push me back, even when I ran my hands over his back and sides to make sure he was okay, besides from being a bit thin.

"sorry, but I was given orders to make sure Tom doesn't run away." Paul shrugged, like it was a normal thing. "that doesn't mean you can shove him over! You could have seriously hurt him!" Harry growled, helping me pull Tom upright again, keeping the slightly cowering boy in our arms. "I know how much strength I used, it wouldn't have hurt him." Paul answered bluntly, like that would make everything okay again. "you don't know that! And Tom isn't going to run away again, are you? You're happier now, aren't you?" I waited for Tom to nod, "so he isn't going to run away, I trust him, and so should you!" I glared at Fletch, pulling Tom closer, letting him cling to me too.

"I do trust Tom to an extent, but I want to make sure he's not going anywhere. Don't you still lock him in at night?" Fletch countered, he had a point. "yeah, well thats going to change! We're leaving the keys at Toms tonight, so hah! We trust him, so you should start as well!" I didn't know if I actually liked that idea to be honest, but anything to spite Fletch, and prove to myself that my Tom wasn't going anywhere anymore.

172 Toms POV

"is that such a good idea Danny? We all know what happened last time we left Tom on his own with unlocked doors, we didn't see him for a year." Fletch sent me a death glare, showing how truly angry he was with me for my past actions. "yes, it is. Because we're alright now, aren't we Tommy? I'm staying over tonight anyway, and Carries also over, so there shouldn't be a problem at all." Danny glared right back, thankfully keeping his arms around me. I was trying to hide it, but I think I had hurt my ankle during my fall, and now it was throbbing and shooting pain up my leg when I applied pressure to it. It felt good, in a way, to have this pain, especially during this conversation, but still, it was awful at the same time. I didn't know how I was going to hide this while walking, putting pressure on it made me want to scream, let alone walking on it.

"there better not be, I don't want another frantic phone call from any of you telling us that Toms ran away again. Now get back to recording, we've already wasted enough time." Fletch was talking like I wasn't even there, like I was just a ghost in all of this, it killed me. He must have really hated me for doing all of this, for being like I was, for running away because of who I was, then not being able to be a better person afterwards. I hoped he wouldn't fire me for it, I was starting to look forward to doing shows and things again, I just hoped I wouldn't be fired before.

"d*ckhead. Doesn't know what he's on about. Right, come on then, off to the studio again, because we have to do some talking about your songs." Danny sighed, taking a step and forcing me to go with him. My first step was onto my right foot, and pain shot right up my leg so hard and fast it made me scream out in excruciating pain. "whoa, whats wrong?" Danny immediately stopped, grip tightening on my waist, making me cringe. "n-nothing, nothings wrong." I lied, biting back tears of pain as my ankle throbbed even more, like it had been stuck in fire. "Tom, you don't just scream in pain for no reason, did I put too much pressure on your arm?" Danny loosened his grip on my left arm, looking down at me, seeing how I was standing, "have you hurt your leg?" he hit the nail right on the head there.

"I, er, no. I'm fine, completely fine." I denied it, because I knew that I would be looked after again if I didn't lie. I didn't want to be looked after, no matter what was wrong, it was fine, I was fine, my ankle just hurt a bit, that was all. "no, you're not. Come on, don't go all shy on me, did Paul hurt you? If he has, we have to tell Fletch...okay Tommy cause Fletch won't do anything. But, you know what I mean! Come on, whats happened to your ankle?" Danny pleaded, eyes trained on my feet, I could practically feel it swelling. "okay. I fell, and now it hurts. But its fine! Really, its fine! There's no need to worry or anything, I'm alright." I admitted, but backtracked, practically pleading Danny not to worry and do his usual trick of waiting on me hand and foot. He already did far too much for me, I couldn't let him do any more, he would get so annoyed, and wear himself out.

"really, you sure your alright? Cause you did just scream pretty loudly, and have gone quite pale." Danny already started worrying, putting a hand against my clammy forehead, his other arm tightening its grip on me so I wouldn't have to put pressure on my ankle. "it was shock, I'm fine, honestly, I'm fine. And its the lights, you know they always make me look pale." I cursed the fact that I looked paler, I should have been going in the opposite direction, getting a bit more tanned, d*mn it! "alright, come on, lets get you to a chair so I can look at it." Danny went to pick me up. "no! Don't pick me up! I can walk, okay? It doesn't need looking at either, its fine! It just hurts a little bit, alright?" I tried to back away, ending up falling over instead, more pain shooting through my spine.

"I don't think you can, let me carry you, just this once, okay? Its not going to hurt in any way, just let me pick you up." Before I could say anything more, I was picked up and carried to the studio sofa, not 10 steps away, but they felt like a lifetime. "see, wasn't so hard, was it? Now let me see that ankle, just to see whats happened." Danny almost glared, using that horrible condescending tone he always used when he looked after me and I fought him because of it. "no! Its fine! I don't need it to be looked after!" I cried out, I really didn't need to have my ankle checked! I really didn't! It was fine, I was fine! "Tom, please stop fighting this! Look, either we can check it now and get it over and done with so we can try and carry on, or we can go down to the hospital and have them check it out, which one do you prefer?" Fletch now joined in too, I really, really hated that man. "fine, check away." I groaned and fell back against the sofa, so I was laying down.


	88. Chapter 88

**xxPUDDxx - hmm, i'll see about that :P**

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173 Dougies POV

I watched from behind Harrys drum kit as Tom argued point blank that he was fine, when he clearly wasn't, every time he so much as moved his foot, he was flinching, let alone when Danny touched it, even a little bit. "sorry, but I have a feeling you might have just sprained it." Danny sighed a little in relief, he obviously had been thinking it was broken, like the rest of us. "yay great, can we get back to recording now?" Tom tried to jump up, Danny stopped him. "yes we can, but you are staying right there. You're not going anywhere because you'll hurt yourself more. So just stay there okay?" Danny warned, moving so he was sat down too, resting Toms feet on his lap.

"I won't hurt myself more, I'll be fine. Anyway, we need to record now, so I need to be working, not resting!" Tom argued weakly, already looking defeated, like he knew we weren't going to listen to him. "and you will be recording, just sitting down, or letting us record our parts." Harry joined in the argument from behind me, moving to sit on his stool, pulling me along with him. "yeah, exactly, so just rest for today, okay?" Danny agreed, giving Tom that very concerned and loving look that now made Tom cringe. "fine." Tom grumbled, falling back against the sofa, the fight inside him still there, just tamed a little.

We spent another 2 hours recording a few drum and bass bits, and I did a bit of singing too, like Tom had originally wanted. The whole time, Tom did as told, laying on the sofa, resting his now very swollen ankle, it had almost doubled in size. Danny was worrying over him the whole time too, pressing an icepack on the effected pale ankle, and running to get Tom whatever he wanted, which he actually denied he wanted most of the time.

"you sure you don't need anything? I can get you anything you need." Danny worried, changing over the icepack as it melted again. "I'm fine Danny! Will you stop worrying?! I don't need anything!" Tom cried out when the new cold ice hit his leg, I felt so sorry for him being in this much pain. It was all Pauls fault, if he had just let him go out then he wouldn't have hurt himself like this and this wouldn't have happened. Then again, this might actually teach Tom that we actually did care about him and it was okay to ask for help, I hoped it did, because I wanted the old Tom back, who, admitted rarely asked for help, but didn't deny point blank that he didn't need anything when he obviously did.

174 Harrys POV

Eventually, we all gave up recording and went home, deciding to talk to Tom about his songs when we were at his house. It was a good opportunity to talk to him actually, considering he couldn't walk right now, so he would be forced to listen. Though, I was sure he would fight tooth and nail to get out of our talking, but at least this time it would be easier to control him.

"Tom, need me to help you get into the house?" Danny offered, holding out his large hand for the pale blonde. "no, I can manage." Tom shook his head, somehow managing to get out of the car and stand up (semi) straight, then I noticed he was leaning on the car. "you sure?" I asked, nodding towards where his back was resting against the car. "yeah, I'll be alright. I'll hop if I have to." Tom managed a smile, though I could see he was getting annoyed with us now. He had always had a short temper when it came to not being in control and in charge, but I was scared this might push him away even more while he fought for his independence.

"alright, come on, its about time we got you some more pain killers again." Danny sighed, hovering around Tom as he limped painfully across the path, giving up and hopping after 4 steps. "oh my god what have you done now?!" Carrie shouted as she opened the door, running out to help. "hurt my ankle, nothing serious." Tom answered, letting out a whimper of pain again when his foot touched the ground. "how the hell did you do that? Actually tell me in a minute, I'll go get an icepack and pain killers." Carrie ran back inside, Tom rolled his eyes and sat down awkwardly on the floor, in his usual position, though this time his leg was stretched out.

"you can't sit down there! Get onto the sofa!" Danny sighed, looking almost shocked that Tom was still refusing to sit on anything other the floor. Apparently Danny had found him sleeping on the floor almost every night for the past week, not even a pillow under his head or a duvet to keep him warm. "why not? I like the floor." Tom fiddled with his fingers, hissing when he shifted his foot. "cause, your injured, you can't just sit down there, someone could walk into you!" Danny explained, bending down to Toms level, stopping him from biting his nails to non-existence. "and the rule is injured take priority over the healthy, I should know, I walk into stuff often enough!" I added, trying to make someone laugh. "yeah ,exactly. You know if this was Harry who was injured, we would be the same with him. Only he wouldn't fight as much, anything to get out of doing something." Dougie giggled, play hitting my chest.

"oi! You do it too with exercise!" I teased, poking his side playfully. "so? You do it with everything else!" Dougie laughed, squeaking as I poked him, grabbing my hands and wrapping them around himself instead, telling me subconsciously that he was worried and wanted comfort. I kissed his long hair and squeezed him, letting him cuddle into me more so he wasn't faced with the argument about to happen.


	89. Chapter 89

**xxPUDDxx - haha *hands Dougie over for a hug* :D **

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175 Dannys POV

In the end, I had to pull Tom onto the sofa myself, barely managing to not hurt him more. "now, please, stay here, okay? Don't go and sit down on the floor, you're better off on the sofa, okay?" I pleaded, putting the ice on Toms ankle, hearing him hiss again. But luckily, there was no argument, just a few pained cut off whimpers that were clearly trying to be bitten back. My tough facade faded at the sound of Tom whimpering, I hated seeing him in pain, and this had to be painful. I sat down next to him and wrapped my arms around him, gently kissing his long hair, hearing another whimper, I wasn't sure if it was because of the pain or from my actions.

"the pain will go soon Tommy, promise. It'll go away soon, and then we'll kick Pauls a*se for hurting you." I promised, not actually lying, I was going seriously kick his a*se 6 ways to Sunday for hurting my Tom, especially when he was in the mental state he was in. He needed comfort and love, not people trying to cage him in and push him around. It was another reason why I was giving him his keys back, so Tom wasn't actually caged into his own house anymore, because it wasn't fair on him.

"don't call me Tommy." Tom grumbled, so he was still p*ssed off then. "aw, cheer up baby. Paul and Fletch are a*seholes, don't let them get to you. Once you can walk we'll show them just how amazing you are, not everything Fletch said you were the other week." I smiled and kissed his cheek again, ignoring him pulling his face away. "don't call me baby either, I'm not a baby." Tom grumbled again, and I couldn't help but think he was so cute as he pouted, like a child sulking after being told they couldn't have a cookie. "I know you're not, I just like calling you baby, cause you're my baby Tommy TomTom, and I love you." I hoped I wouldn't be stopped from calling Tom baby, I liked calling him baby, and Tommy, and occasionally honey.

"shut up calling me names. Its Tom, okay? Nothing else, just Tom." Tom growled, okay, he was SERIOUSLY p*ssed off, what did I do? "okay, just Tom then. Now will you cheer up a little please? I hate seeing you so annoyed." I sighed and gave in, not completely, I would be calling him Tommy again once we got back into the swing of things, when Tom was better. He obviously wasn't better, at all, so I hoped I could help him along and make him see that he was worth everything in the world, that he meant so much to me, and everyone around him. "got you some pain killers, you'll feel better after taking them." Carrie came in, with a glass of water and extra strength pain killers, probably noticing the size of Toms ankle and thinking it had to be throbbing.

176 Toms POV

I reluctantly took the pain killers, actually wanting to feel the pain throbbing up my leg, reminding me how pathetic I was. I couldn't even take being shoved by my own personal prison guard without falling over and hurting myself so badly I couldn't even move my leg without pain. Now that I was being closely monitored for cuts and bruises, I needed another pain to make me feel less worthless, so far, this was the alternative I had. But I took the pain killers anyway, just so I could take the edge off, because this was bordering on excruciatingly painful, and even I had a limit on how much pain I could be in.

Slowly, I could feel my eyes closing, and my body feel weak, it started to lean on Dannys shoulder. I fought to get back up again and keep my eyes open, but couldn't, it was like I was being forced into sleeping, which I didn't want! I wanted to stay awake, I didn't want to go to sleep yet! I would be babied even more and be carried to bed or something! How could I willingly let someone do that for me when I could do it myself? And how could I let myself fall asleep on Dannys shoulder? He wouldn't be able to get up, he would be stuck there with me, like so many times before, I couldn't make him stay with me even more! Despite my best efforts, my eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep, on Dannys shoulder, feeling him put his arm around me, squeezing my unworthy, disgusting, and purely ugly frame close, and him kiss my greasy, lanky, 15 year old wannabe hair.

_"Danny! Danny! Danny!" I shouted, running downstairs, bounding into my lovers arms, grinning as he kissed me. "hey baby, what you so happy about?" Danny pulled away, picking me up into his arms. "oh just the fact that its almost our anniversary, and I love you, so much." I giggled, I couldn't wait until our 4th anniversary in a few weeks. Danny had been hinting to me for such a long while that he was going to do something big for me, for us, and I had a surprise for him too. I was going to ask him to move in with me, Danny rarely ever spent time at his own house any more anyway, he only usually went back to sleep occasionally. Mostly, he stayed at mine, like a normal couple would, it only made sense that he now moved in. I hoped he would accept, it would be a big step in our relationship, and I couldn't wait. _

_"I love you too Tommy! And I can't wait either, I have a feeling it'll be a very good anniversary too, but why are you so excited about that right now? Its a few weeks away yet!" Danny laughed, running his hand through my newly cut spiky hair, he had been doing that a lot recently, so I guessed he really liked it short. "I don't know, I just get excited for everything ages before it happens, you know that! Oh, is that the post over there?" I giggled, nodding my head towards the table, where a pile of letters and magazines were (yes, even Dannys magazines were delivered to mine, that was how long he spent at mine). "yeah, we got our latest magazine appearance in here somewhere too if you wanna read it. Now I better go take Brucie and Ralphie for a walk, or Vicky will kill me, gunna come with?" Danny handed me the magazine, putting me down. "no, I haven't even gotten dressed yet, I'll walk them with you tonight, okay?" I declined, tightening my arms around him. "alright, well I'll be back in about 2 hours. Tonight's dog walking is a date." Danny winked, kissed me and jogged out the door. I smiled and went to make myself comfy at the table, finding some toast in front of me, a little note saying 'I love you' next to them in Dannys scruffy handwriting, making me grin. _

_I opened the magazine and found our article pretty quickly, and my smile dropped, seeing what the article had to say about us, about me. 'McFLY have been round for 7 years now, and still can rock out and pull off the amazing tunes, thanks to lead singer Tom Fletcher (blonde, slightly fat one in the middle). But, after spending some time with four boys, we wonder how these boys have stuck together for the past 7 years, considering how different they are, Fletcher sticking possibly the most. Tom is the leader of the gang, you might remember that he was the one at the beginning who was particularly chubby, with wonky teeth and pale skin. Not much has changed, there is more confidence there, and a lot of weight has been lost, but he still the same pale, geeky boy he was all those years ago. He seems to stick out from the others, in every way. The others are more mature, less childish, less geeky, more handsome. The list is endless. Tom himself is more the token song writer that writes the hits, and is allowed to do the rest of the band too because they just need another guitarist, and to make the others look even more handsome (notice all girls swooning over Danny, Harry and Dougie the minute they walk into a room)._

_Tom tries to fit in though, by holding onto front man Dannys hand, and joining in their conversations, managing to get a few laughs from the others. But mostly his pathetic attempts are ignored, so he eventually shuts up and scribbles in his book, probably proving himself by writing another song the band can use, while the others play beat up Dougie,(small, blonde skater boy, on the end, held in handsome drummer, Harrys arms) the youngest of the band. We wonder if he is just kept to write the songs, and keep the others in line to degree, or if he actually even writes the songs at all, or sings live. If so, what are these boys waiting for, boot out the dead weight and get in someone with actual talent (and a pretty face) to replace him, the fans probably wouldn't even notice. That said, they're lovely boys, and we hope they are happy, if not, dump the dead weight and get someone else in!'_

_I was in tears by the end of that, was it really like that? Was that how people really thought of me, did they really think I didn't fit in with everyone and wasn't worth keeping? Did people actually hate me like that, was I pathetic? Was I really that ugly and unworthy of all of this? Could it all be true? It crushed me inside to know that people thought of me like that, like I was expendable and unimportant in this band, that people wouldn't even notice or care if I got replaced. Wait, did Danny, Harry and Dougie think like that too? Would they read the article and start to think like this? Would they kick me out for being like I was? I felt how my insides ripped to shreds, how my worst fears were coming true. Ever since we first started out, I knew I wasn't good enough, that I was so weak and pathetic compared to the others. I knew I wasn't good looking, I knew I didn't have any talent whatsoever, but hearing that other people knew it too made me feel like I was stabbed. I broke down completely, feeling sick to my stomach and worthless, sobbing as I realised how unworthy I was of this life, of my friends, of everything. I didn't deserve any of it, and I hated myself for believing that I was worthy of this._

I woke up in the middle of the night, remembering how I had gotten into this mess, feeling so pathetic and useless, knowing it was only going to get worse.


	90. Chapter 90

**xxPUDDxx - haha, rant away, its true :) **

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177 Dannys POV

In sleep, I tightened my arms around Tom when I felt him shift, realising he had finally woken up after the strong painkillers we had given him had worn off. Those ones always made him sleepy, so I guessed because he was so weak right now they actually knocked him out. I felt him shifting a bit and tightened my arms even more, knowing that Tom would probably now try and go again, like he did every night. For the past week, we had fallen asleep in bed together, or at least I had, then I would wake up to find Tom sleeping on the floor, usually shivering due to the lack of duvet around him.

I heard Tom whimper loudly and try to shuffle about, waking me up a little more, but I refused to let him go, he wasn't going to spend another night sleeping on the floor, he couldn't just fall asleep on the floor and freeze there when he had a perfectly good bed right next to him. With someone who would happily hold him in his arms all night too, I couldn't just let Tom lay there anymore, it wasn't fair. "please, let me go, stop it, let me go." Tom whined, clear panic and fear in his voice. I pretended to still be asleep and carried on holding him, wanting him to see that it was okay, it was alright to be held all night, to stay in bed too.

My heart then broke when I felt Toms foot hit my leg and wince with a muffled pain filled scream. "shhh baby, its alright. Just relax, okay?" I gave up pretending, I couldn't just lay there and just listen to Tom try not to cry out in pain. "let me go, please, let me go." Tom cried, his body shuddering with unshed tears. "no, it'll be okay, just stay, for once, stay in bed. Its not nice waking up to find you on the floor shivering." I nuzzled into the back of his neck, kissing his shoulder to tell him that I loved him and it was okay to stay in bed. "no let me go!" Tom whimpered, writhing under my kisses, hurting his foot even more until he actually did cry in pain. "shhh, don't cry. It'll be okay, just don't cry. Want me to get you some more pain killers and an ice pack?" I asked, kissing his tears away, trying to comfort him. To me, there was nothing worse than seeing Tom cry, and watching him cry in pain, both physical and I think emotional pain killed me.

"no! I don't need anything! Just let me go please!" Tom pleaded, he was actually shivering. "but you're in pain, you need to take something to stop it...this isn't a way for you to harm yourself, is it?" I physically felt myself pale at the thought. "no, it isn't. Just leave me alone, okay?" Tom growled, and I realised how much I hated this defensive side to him he had made. I hated how defensive Tom was over everything, how he wouldn't let me look after him, and how he would not let me hold him, no matter what time it was or what the situation was. "no, I'm your boyfriend, so I will not leave you alone. No matter what you do, no matter how ill you get. I'm sticking with you, okay? So stop arguing and fighting me, just calm down and let me help!" I growled right back, having enough of Tom trying to be so stubborn.

Tom went quiet after I had said that, almost dead still. It scared me a little. "Tommy?" I whispered, shaking him a little, still careful of his ankle. "don't, just, don't." Tom shook his head, turning away from me. "why? Baby, why can't you see I love you and want to look after you?" I sighed, stroking Toms hair from his face. "cause its a lie." Tom whimpered and turned around, his face pressed into the pillow. He didn't answer me for the rest of the night, scaring me so much.

178 Toms POV

I ignored Danny pleading me to talk to him about what I had said, refusing to even look up from my pillow anymore. I didn't want to explain that I knew that everything was a lie, only to have him lie to me even more and tell me that I was loved and blah, blah, blah. That dream had brought back so many memories, of why I was the way I was right now, why I knew I wasn't worthy of being in this band, in this bed, in these arms. That article had sparked everything off, making me realise just how worthless I was, it was the worst feeling in the world. "Tom, come on, whats up? Why is it a lie? Its not a lie, we've been through this, you know its not a lie. You know that I love you, why are you refusing to accept that?" Danny sighed around 3am, sounding tired and sleepy. Good, hopefully he would give up soon and go to sleep, leave me enough time to get out of bed, cut another few punishing lines into my skin, then curl up on the floor again. I didn't see why he didn't like me sleeping on the floor, I was out of the way there, and it was where I belonged, so what Dannys problem was with me on the floor I would never know.

"Tom, please, I'm begging you here, just tell me what you meant! I'm not going to get angry with you, or annoyed, or anything! I just want to know, so I can help you, you can't possibly think, after that long speech I gave you the other day, that I don't love you." Danny pleaded, it did nothing. I knew that he loved me, for whatever ridiculous reason, but I knew I wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth his love and affection, we were so opposite, so different, we could have come from different planets. Plus, I knew he was cheating on me with the others behind my back, why else would he cuddle up with them so much, and spend so much time with them? Because he was in a relationship with Harry and Dougie at the same time, maybe he just went to them for sex, I didn't know, I didn't really care (okay, I did, but I tried to tell myself I didn't) as long as Danny was happy.

"please, I know your angry with me for calling you Tommy and baby earlier, and for looking after you, but I need to know whats going on inside that head of yours! I know that opening up is difficult, but, you have to try, you'll feel better, I promise. And if you don't open up, I'll end up hurting myself again because I'll feel so guilty for not helping you." Okay, that sentence broke my heart, just knowing that I had caused that urge for Danny tore me to pieces. He didn't deserve that feeling, didn't deserve the scars, or the pain behind it. I had to tell him something, or another line would end up on his arm, but I couldn't tell him anything, because it would hurt him and he would still have a line on his arm. Why couldn't Danny just be so thick he wouldn't try to unconsciously emotionally blackmail me into telling him things? Actually, why couldn't he hate me so I wouldn't be even in this problem because he wouldn't be in bed with me, and he wouldn't care?!

"I-I just, I can't...it hurts." I whispered, trying to come up with something that didn't sound too bad. "what does? Your ankle, cause I can sort that out for you, really easily." Danny ran a comforting hand over my back, making my shirt ride up, I yanked it back down. There were bruises all over my back and sides, from where I fell over or walked into things, my body was in so much need for good, normal food, that my skin was super sensitive, it bruised from just a touch. "I-Its everything. It just hurts so bad." I wiped away a few tears, keeping my head pressed into the pillow. I couldn't look up while confessing to things, it hurt just saying them out loud, let alone feeling someone looking at me while I was saying things. I still couldn't manage eye contact, with anyone, not even my own reflection, which I hated more than anything. Danny needed his eyes checking, if he thought I was anywhere near remotely normal looking, let alone anything better, he really needed to see an optician fast. "what everything? Why does everything hurt? Why don't you want to stop cutting? Why can't you even look at someone anymore?" Dannys questions hurt, he noticed so much about me, and honestly cared about my worthless self more than he cared about himself. It shouldn't have been like that, he shouldn't have had to care more about my fragile state than his own warped mind, a mind that I had warped with my own ways.


	91. Chapter 91

**though i'd add again, so here you go! :)**

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179 Harrys POV

"Harry, I have an idea." Dougie started, never taking his eyes away from his lizard. He was currently feeding them, while Flea the dog snoozed on his thigh, he looked right at home with all his numerous pets, but it was also a sign that he was talking about ideas at the same time. Dougie always did try to feed his pets or look after them in some way when he needed to talk about something important, because it relaxed him, which helped when he was talking about something he hated thinking about. "really? Whats that then?" I asked simply, wondering what Dougie could have been thinking about. "well, you know you were saying last night, that now that Tom can't physically walk, we can now talk to him easier because he can't get away?" Dougie answered, biting at his lip.

"yes?" I wondered where the hell this was going. "I don't like that idea. I don't like the thought that he's trapped somewhere, even if it is by us. I know we can't magically fix his leg, but we can get him something he can use that will help him walk. I know that means he can get away, but, I think we should give him that pair of crutches we have in the spare room, from when you broke your leg. Just so he can actually be a little independent." Dougie explained, looking actually quite scared of my reaction. "hmm, I don't see why we can't. Dannys probably winding Tom right up by fussing over every single little thing while he can't do anything. So I guess we can give him the crutches, just so he can move around a bit without an escort." I agreed, watching Dougies face light up.

So, we dug out the crutches from the spare room, which I had used on several occasions, because I was typically accident prone. Then, we brought them round to Toms house, finding him and Danny on his bed. Toms arm was gently slung over Dannys waist, almost hesitantly, while Danny had a tight grip on Tom. There were so many tear tracks across their faces, it was heartbreaking to see. "I love you Tommy, you're worth everything in the world. You deserve so much, you deserve everything." Danny whispered, running his fingertips lightly over Toms face, who I noticed had his eyes closed, probably sleeping.

Danny seemed to sense we were there and turned his head to look at us, his face said it all, he felt so hopeless at whatever had caused the tears, he just wanted to fix it but didn't think he could. "what happened?" I asked, barely even whispering. "Tom, he, I, he just, he is just so upset! I don't know why he's feeling like this! He just does!" Danny cried, burying his face in Toms hair, crying like he had been told he was dying. "why is he feeling like what? What did Tom say?" I asked gently, slipping onto the bed too, trying to put a comforting arm around Danny.

"he-he, he didn't say anything! He refuses to! He's so upset, and won't tell me whats wrong!" Danny whimpered, burying his face in Toms hair. Luckily, he remained sleeping, so he didn't know what was going on around him.

180 Dougies POV

I crawled into the bed, wrapping my arms around Tom, and manage to hold Dannys hand too, because they needed the most support. Luckily, Tom still seemed to be sleeping, he must have been so tired, or his pain killers had knocked him out again. After an hour, Danny managed to cry himself out too, which broke my heart a little more. Tom shouldn't have been feeling like this, and Danny shouldn't have been crying his eyes out because of it.

Me and Harry left them to it in the end, so they could sleep peacefully together. "right, shall we do something to cheer them up?" I asked, wanting to do something that boosted Toms confidence, so he would get better, so all these tears wouldn't be there. "yeah, what do you want to do then?" Harry pulled me closer to himself, just like he always did when he was worried. "find the toys." I answered, I couldn't get used to seeing the house without any toys, it wasn't right, it wasn't really Toms house when it wasn't covered in toys! "alright, we'll go find them. Carrie, you gunna help?" we both turned to Carrie, who looked half asleep as she lazily chewed her breakfast.

"yeah, alright then. We're looking for the toys, right? Cause they shouldn't be too hard to find, there's a lot of them so it shouldn't be too difficult to find them all." Carrie got up and jogged upstairs, so Harry took downstairs and I took the top floor. I started in the unlikely place of the music room, just finding guitars and a keyboard. Though I noticed that the classic 'estupido' and arrow on the back of one of Toms guitars had gone too, which saddened me even more. It shouldn't have been like this at all, the toys shouldn't have still been gone, and everything shouldn't have been gone like it was.

I gave up in the music room and tried one of the spare box rooms, finding all the pictures that had been around the house. I smiled, that was something, at least. Right, better try and find the toys, because if the pictures were here, then so could the toys. I checked the rest of the room, found nothing but old junk, then ran across the landing to the second junk room, finding 4 huge black sacks! I ripped them open to find...all of the toys! I found them all! They were all here! From the vinylmation to all the stuffed toys, they were all these sacks!

"Harry! Harry I found them all!" I ran back downstairs again, grabbing both Harry and Carrie to run back upstairs again to show them all the pictures and black sacks. "yes! Thank you Dougie!" Carrie squeaked, grabbing a huge sack and running downstairs, putting them all back in their rightful places. "we're on picture duty then, gunna help me put all these up?" Harry picked up 2 picture frames, handing me one of them. "of course!" I almost skipped downstairs again, I couldn't wait to see Toms reaction to seeing all of his toys again, so his house looked like his again. I knew he still loved his toys, and he hadn't been sleeping well because they weren't there anymore, so I hoped this cheered him up, so he could sleep properly.


	92. Chapter 92

**xxPUDDxx - hmmmmm i'll see about it ;)**

181 Toms POV

I woke up and wished I hadn't, last night I had almost told Danny about how worthless I was, and had made him cry! I never meant to make him cry! Seeing Danny cry was the worst thing ever! "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I whispered, pulling my sleeves over my hands and trying to wipe away Dannys tears, not doing any good whatsoever. All it did was wake him up, which I hadn't wanted at all! "morning baby, have a nice sleep?" Danny mumbled, completely avoiding the subject of what we were talking about last night. I knew he wouldn't want to talk about it, there was nothing he could say to me, I knew I was worthless, he knew it too, so there was no way he could make me feel better.

"yeah, it was alright. I'm gunna have a shower now." I wriggled out of his arms and went to stand up, biting back a very, very loud cry of pain when lightning struck all the way up my leg when it touched the floor. "alright, oh, Harry and Dougie brought round some crutches, so you can walk on your own. Want them?" Danny handed me the crutches, and I accepted them, at last, something I could use to walk without tremendous pain! "thanks." I hopped off to the bathroom, showering and changing in record timing, not wanting to see what I looked like for too long. I was already depressed enough, I didn't need anything else to make me worse.

Todays outfit was quite baggy, due to the fact that I felt like cr*p and that I couldn't really wear skinny jeans, not with my figure, or with my extremely swollen ankle. Instead, I had a pair of normal jeans and a plain grey long sleeve tshirt, that came over my hands as well as the bandages, which was what I wanted most. I fixed my hair a little as well, trying to straighten it and style it so it looked alright, and cover my eyes and half my face at the same time. I half managed it, making sure it at least covered my stupid eyes, hating how brown they were compared to my dead-body pale skin. "Tommy, you done yet? There's a surprise for you downstairs!" Danny shouted through the door, making me jump, hitting my foot on the floor again. I winced and bit back a scream, managing to stay quiet and upright somehow. "y-yeah, just coming." I managed to push out, putting some finishing touches to my hair, before deciding that all together it would look better if it wasn't there, so I shoved a hat over my head.

I was greeted outside by a grinning Danny, who offered his hand to me, I couldn't take it, because of the crutches, and because it wasn't right. I may have been his boyfriend, but I was just a phase until he realised that no, I was not boyfriend material, I was absolutely nothing so I would be dumped. I wouldn't mind really, as long as I got out of being in loveless relationships and wasn't being lied to all the time. "come on, I've got something to show you." Danny gave up trying for my hand, letting me use the crutches to walk out, instead of insisting on helping me walk when I didn't need it.

I was led to the front room, and told to close my eyes, so I did, hoping I wasn't going to be surprise attacked into some ambulance to be sent off to some mental ward for unwanted people. "Tom, I need you to hop forwards, 4 times, I'll guide you, alright?" Danny sighed, here we go, I knew the freedom wouldn't last long. "fine, 4 times right?" I flinched when I felt two strong arms wrap around my waist, wishing they weren't there. I had had enough of being held, it was awful, I hated being touched. But, I held in shudders and hopped when Danny said, 4 times into the front room. "okay, open your eyes." Danny smiled, keeping his arms around me as I opened my eyes, to see all my toys! They had been found and been put out again! And all the pictures! Everything I had taken down had been put back up again!

This couldn't have been happening! How was this happening?! How were they found? I had hidden them! I had made sure they were hidden, why weren't they hidden?! "I, er, they were...why are they up?! Who put them up?!" I cried, I couldn't have all this up anymore! I wasn't a child! I was 26 years old, not 6 years old! They couldn't be up like this! Not when everyone could see them and they were all clearly mine! "we put them up to cheer you up baby, you've been so depressed recently, especially since you hurt your foot. We thought these would cheer you up." Danny explained, still grinning like this was a brilliant idea! Why did he think this was a good idea? Why did he think I was still a child mentally? And WHY was he calling me baby again after I told him not to?! I was not a baby, thats why I wasn't allowed toys anymore, I was not a baby! I did not need toys and other silly little things to keep me happy! All I needed to be happy with was a guitar or a piano (I couldn't play drums or bass anymore, it would be seen like I was trying to steal Harry and Dougies spaces in the band) I didn't need stupid (amazing, perfect, safe) toys anymore!

182 Dannys POV

"b-but, I was, I er, just...they're here!" Tom stuttered, he looked pale and I wasn't sure if he was happy about this or not. "yeah, I know. We found them, last night, we found them!"I smiled, pulling Tom closer as he leg started to shake. "but why? W-why?" Tom whimpered, his hands hesitantly holding onto my arm. "to cheer you up, you've been so depressed recently, ever since you packed away the toys, we thought it would be nice to bring them all out again. Look, we even found all of our photos too." I explained, realising that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Tom didn't look like this was such a good thing, he looked downright scared instead.

Tom burst into tears seconds later, breaking my heart as I wrapped my arms around him properly, trying to comfort him. "aw, baby, don't cry! You don't have to cry! Its okay!" I picked him up properly, holding him so he was being held in my arms, his legs around my waist. "shh, shhh, baby, what you crying for, huh?" I kissed his shoulder, grabbing Mickey Mouse off the sofa and putting it in his arms, I knew Tom missed that toy so much, so I hoped it would help him.

"we overwhelmed you with all of this, didn't we?" Carrie came over with Harry and Dougie now, wrapping her arms around her brother, the married couple doing the same. "sorry Tom, we were just trying to cheer you up a little." Dougie sighed, awkwardly trying to find a space he could fit in where he wouldn't be in danger of hurting Toms foot. Harry stepped back from his spot and pulled him in front so now the little one was sandwiched between Tom and Harry.

There was a knock at the door which made us all leap feet, almost dropping Tom, just about catching him in time. "I'll get that, give me a minute." Harry ran to the door, opening it to reveal Fletch standing there, he barged in into the front room. "what the hell is going on here? Oh never mind, look, I have a copy of the photoshoot we did the other day, there's a bit of a review here too, thought you would want to read it. I'll leave it here and go cause I've got to sort more stuff out for you lot." Fletch dropped the magazine on the sofa and walked out again, not forgetting a loud door slam that made us all flinch.


	93. Chapter 93

**xxPUDDxx - hmmm maybe ;)**

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183 Harrys POV

We all calmed Tom down gently until he had stopped crying then decided to look at the magazine review. Danny thought it was best to have one of us read it first then let Tom read it, just in case it was bad. It wasn't unheard of for magazines to try and rip Tom to shreds, it affected him so much, it was what had triggered him into trying to starve himself a few years ago, and why he was so self conscious. Their words had infected his mind, and it scared us all so much, we were all always cautious now, especially since he had run away. I decided to have a look first, so left the others in the front room, watching Treasure Planet to have a look at the review and the pictures.

The pictures weren't too bad to be honest, Misha had picked the best ones, where we were all smiles and laughter. There were some really nice pictures of us lifting Tom up, and some nice pictures of us individually. Even Toms ones managed to look nice and like he was feeling right at home in front of the camera, like he hadn't been so nervous the whole time.

The review was in a corner, and quite small, only 2 paragraphs long, it read:

As you know, Toms been having some problems for the past year, with running away and now seems to have admitted to psychological problems. But today, despite being a little awkward and a little out of place, this could have been another day in McFLY for him from last year. Once he got going, he really did shine out, smiling and laughing as his band mates play fought off camera, just like the ray of sunshine he usually is.

The only other thing that could be classed as wrong would be his quite skinny and pale look. Its clear he hasn't been eating properly, or sleeping for that matter. At lunch, he seemed withdrawn and tired, barely picking at the food band mate Danny Jones got for him. He was quiet for most of the day, but very co-operative, so we guess it was down to first-day-back nerves, we're sure he'll brighten up soon. Either way, we hope he settles back into the band quickly and soundly, and the best of luck to him and the rest of the guys.

I decided it was probably best to not show Tom the review, or the actual magazine, because it wasn't shining an extremely good light on him, it was still quite positive, but I was worried about the withdrawn bit. I didn't want to do something that could be stopped easily that could hurt Toms feelings, he had survived a few days without hurting himself, that we knew of, I didn't want him to end up hurting himself again now, not when I could prevent it.

184 Dougies POV

Soon, Harry came back into the front room again, automatically sitting next to me, his arms around my shoulders. "we're not showing him, okay?" Harry whispered, luckily, we were on the opposite sofa to Tom and Danny, who were still cuddled up together. Tom was actually leaning into Dannys hold, hiding his face in Dannys neck, almost trying to bury himself in Dannys body. "really bad?" I asked, keeping quiet, worried over just how bad this review was. "not too bad, I just don't want to risk it, okay?" Harry explained, pulling at my Zukie noodle tshirt, making sure it was straight. He always did that when he was worried, he always distracted himself by sorting me out, making sure I was presentable, it had been ingrained into his head from a young age and now it came out in him when he was worried. I put my hands over Harrys to stop him from fiddling too much, silently telling him that it would be okay and he didn't need to worry too much, he could relax if he wanted to.

"yeah, okay, now shhh. Calm down, alright? You'll go grey." I ran my hand through his short black hair, giggling slightly. "sh, I won't go grey." Harry poked my side, making me squeak. I poked him back and turned round, facing my husband, giggling as a full out poking war started. Of course, I lost, like always, ending up a giggling mess underneath Harrys overpowering body. "give up yet?!" Harry teased, like usual, a grin finally on his face. "yes! Yes! I give up! Stop it!" I laughed, kicking my legs weakly. "say the magic words." Harry taunted, that glint in his eye that clearly meant he wasn't going to stop anytime soon. "stop it! Stop it I give up! You win!" I cried, managing to knock my headband off my head, my fringe falling into my eyes so I couldn't see a thing.

"nope! Wrong words! Tell me you love me and I'll stop." Harry bargained, still poking my side. "I love you! I love you now let me go!" I laughed, finally, the tickling stopped, and the arms came around me instead, holding me close, safe and warm. "I love you too, now don't poke me!" I pouted, being kissed gently instead. "pouts only get kisses, and fine, no more poking for today. Can I get a kiss instead?" Harry kissed me again anyway, and I forgot about everything, in that moment, all that mattered was his lips on mine, our bodies entangled like we were one person.


	94. Chapter 94

**xxPUDDxx - thank you, i'm glad i could brighten your day! :D and truer words have never been spoken about Tom! xD**

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185 Toms POV

I ignored the noises Harry and Dougie were making, instead, focused on hiding away in Dannys neck. I had no idea what was going on anywhere else in the room, but I didn't want to turn around and look, that meant facing the toys, and getting used to them being back again. If that happened, I wouldn't take them down, and then I would be viewed as a child who needed looking after, I did not need looking after! I was taking them all down again tonight, I decided, I would take them all down tonight, once everyone was in bed.

"you okay baby?" Danny asked, here we go again with the baby thing, yes, there were toys out again, this did not mean I was a baby! I nodded anyway and curled up more to him, knowing that I had to be disgusting him by now but not really caring at this very second. I would make it up to him, but right now, I just needed to hide in his embrace, just for today. "alright, but if you need to talk or something, I'm here, okay?" Danny whispered, I nodded, "good, now relax a little, you're all tense. Need any pain killers?" a hand started stroking my side, trying to relax the muscle that was starting to strain after being twisted for so long. My foot was still on the table so it was elevated, so the rest of me was twisted so I could be hidden inside Dannys comforting embrace. The pain of my straining muscles was distracting me from my throbbing foot, so I didn't really need pain killers, so I shook my head.

"alright then, well come here, we can still sit here and hug." Danny pulled me closer, practically sitting me on his lap, his long arms wrapped around my body. I whimpered but that was my only protest, I was too preoccupied with worry over my toys, I wanted them here again, but I didn't want them here either. I didn't want to be seen as a baby anymore, but I had missed all these toys so much, I didn't want to lose them. Before now, I hadn't realised how much I loved them, how much they kept me safe, but now I did, they kept all my fears about monsters and aliens away, and now the only thing that kept me safe was Danny. And he wasn't going to be around for long, if he carried on looking after me while I couldn't walk, he was going to get so angry, I didn't want to risk it.

We cuddled all day until it was time for bed, after I had successfully dodged another meal. I still didn't eat normal food, or anything around people, I hated the idea, what if they saw me like a pig? Or if I gained a huge amount of weight? I couldn't risk that, there was too much to lose by that.

"you coming to bed now Tommy?" Danny asked, standing by the stairs, holding onto my hands gently. "er, yeah, but...can I, have tonight on my own? I would like to spend tonight on my own." I whispered, scared that this would hurt Dannys feelings, but we had promised to take things slow, sleeping in the same bed every day wasn't taking things slow, was it? "yeah, sure you can! Of course you can spend tonight on your own, any reasons why?" Danny smiled, not looking hurt in the slightest. "we promised to take things slow, this isn't taking things slow." I explained, still in a whisper. "oh, alright, yeah that makes sense. Well, I'll be back tomorrow, alright? And if you need anything, just phone me, I'll be round like a shot to help. Or, call Carrie, she's only down the hallway, she'll help you, alright? Now promise me you'll ask for help and not hurt yourself more by trying to do stuff, alright?" Danny worried, squeezing my hands in his, they were so soft, it was heavenly. "I will, I'll ask for help." I lied, I wasn't going to disturb someone just so I could have some ease, I would do it myself, I wasn't a baby.

Danny did end up helping me up the stairs, and doing his usual trick on tucking me into bed, I did my best to not protest and not to scream at him that I was capable of looking after myself. "well, I'm going to home, alright? Good night Tommy, I love you." Danny grinned, kissing my lips gently. "good night." I replied, watching Danny walk out and turn off the light.

DANNY

I sighed as I closed the door and shuffled home, wanting to go back to Toms and curl up in bed with him again. I was going to miss him so much tonight, I just hoped he stayed in bed and had a good nights sleep. Opening the door, I found that the dogs were still awake, and apparently they had been fed recently. "ah, hello Brucie! Did you miss me?" I giggled, as soon as I was jumped on by the small dog. Bruce barked loudly, his tail wagging excitedly. I hugged him close, and held Ralphie too, having missed my dogs for the past few days. "right, you two will be replacing Tom tonight then, I guess." I sighed, holding onto both of the dogs, that seemed to sense that I needed a hug.

"come on guys, bed time, follow me." I picked up Bruce and carried him upstairs to my bed, knowing that Ralphie would follow along behind dutifully. I practically fell into bed, curling up under the covers, feeling exhausted. Ralphie curled up at my feet and Brucie curled up next to me, in my arms, I smiled, at least I had something I loved to hold. "night boys, we'll be alright. Cause I'll have Tommy soon again, and we'll be together, and you'll have to share with Marvin." I giggled, knowing all the pets wouldn't mind at all, they were almost used to it now. With that, I fell asleep, and actually had a good nights sleep, holding my arms around my dog.

186 Toms POV

I tried so hard to be silent as I hopped round my house, collecting up all my toys again, I didn't want them here, was it too much to ask to keep them out of my eyesight? I just didn't want to be a baby anymore, I wanted to be an adult, that could actually be liked, and maybe even loved. "Tom, what are you doing?" Carrie made me jump, I span round, biting back a scream of pain as my foot touched the floor. "I, er, was trying to find...Wall-E!" I lied, grabbing the toy from the windowsill, dropping the rest of the toys I was holding. "right, well now that you've found him, come to bed! Its 2am!" Carrie sighed, grabbing my hand and leading me back upstairs again, careful of my throbbing foot. She made sure I was in bed and dosed up with the dreaded pain killers, before going back to her own room again. I barely had time to get out of bed before I was asleep again, curled up on the floor where I belonged.

Luckily, I woke up before her in the morning, managing to get washed and dressed before she even surfaced from sleep. As I heard the shower going I was eating my breakfast, secretly, last night, after scavenging some scraps from last nights dinner, I had made this mornings cereal and put it in the fridge. Now it was a gloopy, congealed mess, just how I liked it. I had somehow managed to finish it by the time Carrie was downstairs, she smiled at me when she realised I was awake and eating, sitting down next to me with a large bowl of rice krispies. "morning." I whispered first, fiddling with my fingers for lack of anything else better to do. "morning! I've got a busy day today, I'm not sure about you though." Carrie replied, grinning widely in between mouthfuls. "no, nothing happening today. Where are you going?" I asked politely, wondering where she was going.

"I'm visiting Charlie today! I haven't seen him in a week, cause he's been busy at university. So I'm going down to see him today, wanna come with?" Carrie explained, twirling her curly hair around her finger. "no, you go, I'll stay here, my foot hurts anyway." This was a perfect opportunity to get rid of all the toys again, no-one was going to be in the house looking after me all day today, so I could get everything down again! "alright, well, I better go get ready and go out, have fun today!" Carrie kissed my cheek and ran back upstairs again, all hyper because she was seeing her boyfriend again. I couldn't help but feel a little guilty for keeping her here all week so she could 'look after me', she hadn't seen her boyfriend in so long because of me, and that wasn't fair, not on anyone.

I waited until she went out then set to work again, grabbing all the toys in the front room and chucking them in black sacks, I would hide them better today, instead of just chucking them in the spare room, I would put them somewhere else, where they wouldn't be found. I sort of went into autopilot, shutting out the pain I was feeling from doing this, getting rid of all the things I loved. All I concentrated on was the future, if I grew up, got rid of the toys, became a normal human being, then maybe Danny would love me, maybe I would actually be accepted for once. No-one had ever accepted me, not even my own family had accepted me for the way I was, I could only hope that changing would help that.


	95. Chapter 95

**xxPUDDx - haha, thanks! :D**

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187 Dougies POV

_I ran round the house, crying my eyes out in fear, I hadn't heard from either Tom and or Danny all day, we had a bad day yesterday, please don't tell me they were cutting! "Tom? Danny? Where are you? Answer me!" I cried out, finding I had also lost Harry too. But I continued to search, figuring he had run to find the others in another part of the house. I ran in and out of all of the rooms, breathlessly crying and slowly starting to panic. _

_Finally, there was only 1 room left, the bathroom at the top of the house, and as I pushed open the door, I started sobbing. There was blood everywhere, on the walls, floors, the sink, the bath, the shower, everything! And in the middle of the floor, covered in their own blood, were Tom and Danny, hands joined, staring blankly at the ceiling. They were dead, their wrists and throats slashed, the razors still in their talented hands. And, oh god, on the wall, written in wet blood was 'we're sorry', a message that would haunt me forever. _

I woke up screaming, sitting bolt upright in bed, drenched in liquid. For a minute I thought it was blood, but breathed in relief when I realised it was sweat. "hey, hey Dougie, whats up? What happened?" Harry asked, sitting up and wrapping his arms around me, bringing me into his soft embrace. "he, he...they, so much blood!" I stuttered, literally petrified something like that would actually happen. "was it a nightmare?" Harry guessed, I nodded. "so much blood, everywhere! It was everywhere, I couldn't save them!" I cried, breaking down into tears. "aw, Dougs, it was a nightmare, nothing more. I swear, it was a nightmare, it isn't real, I promise." Harry whispered, gently kissing my hair and rubbing my back.

"h-how can you be sure? They-they could be killing themselves right now!" I panicked, what if Tom or Danny would actually kill themselves? The other wouldn't cope, and would kill themselves too! I couldn't even take the idea of one of us being ill with flu, let alone the idea of us dying, or in this case, 2 of us! "neither Tom nor Danny will kill themselves, I promise. Its been a week since Danny last cut, alright? And for Tom its been 3 days, they're getting better, okay? We don't need to worry, the both of them won't cut tonight, and even if they do, they won't die. So shh, calm down, everythings going to okay." Harry promised, stroking hair from my face. "but I'm scared! What if they do cut too deep?! Tom already has!" I sobbed, just hearing that he had been hospital for that had killed me, and he wasn't any better now. "then Danny or Carrie will find him and look after him. We'll make sure that Tom will live, and so will Danny, I promise. The both of them are fighters, they won't give up, ever." Harry squeezed me some more and kept on telling me these things until I stopped crying, finally calming down.

"there we go, go back to sleep now Pugsley, go back to sleep, there's still a few hours left before we have to get up." Harry laid us back down again, tucking the duvet over us. "no, not yet! I need to change my shirt, wheres Toms shirt?" I scrambled back upright again, running around the room until I found Toms shirt I had been wearing to bed. I had stopped wearing it for a while, because Tom was getting better so I was getting closer to him, but I needed this now. I needed his comfort smell around me, just to feel safer. Then I grabbed one of Dannys armbands he randomly had at ours and tied it round my wrist, feeling better to have a part of all of the boys I loved so much on me.

"ready for bed again now Dougs?" Harry wrapped me back into his strong, warm arms. "yes, thanks. Good night Harry, I love you." I whispered, cuddling into his chest. "good night, I love you too. Now shhh, its sleeping time again." Harrys arms squeezed around me, and a kiss was pressed to my head and I fell back to sleep, safe and sound again.

188 Harrys POV

I was so worried over Dougies nightmares, he had so many, at least 1 a night. He hadn't slept the whole night through for so long, ever since he had found out about the self harm. He couldn't stand the thought of knowing his best friends, who were practically his brothers, hurting themselves like they were. I hated how badly he was affected by this, if I had my way, I would get rid of the urges Tom and Danny had, and erase the scars on their arms, and erase Dougies memory of ever knowing. Then we could carry on like normal, carry on like nothing was wrong...much. "oh Doug, I promise I'll sort everything for you, for you all. You'll all be okay, no more nightmares, no more tears, I promise." I whispered, kissing his still sweaty hair, squeezing him so close, keeping my baby safe from the hurtful outside world.

I spent the rest of the time Dougie spent sleeping planning a way to stop the self harm, I had only a few ideas, but I hoped they worked. I had 2 set plans ready by the time Dougie woke up in the morning, looking so cute and adorable as he woke up. "morning, feeling better now?" I asked as Dougie yawned, stretching before cuddling back into me. "a bit, just don't let me go and I'll be fine... I'm going to nick another one of Toms tshirts, this one doesn't smell like him anymore." Dougie pouted, cuddling into the shirt even more. "alright, you can nick another one of Toms if he doesn't mind. Now come on, I have a few plans that could help stop...or at least slow down, the cutting." I rolled my eyes playfully. Dougie grinned though at my words, looking so hopeful.

I explained my ideas while we showered and got dressed again, watching as Dougie started to get excited. "that could actually work! It could actually help! Harry you're a genius!" Dougie jumped into my arms and kissed me, grinning like the little boy he really was. "thank you, now shall we see if these plans work when put into action?" I smiled, laughing when Dougie nodded frantically, scrambling onto my back, making me piggy back to Tom house. "morning guys! Where are you?! We got some ideas!" Dougie shouted loudly the second we walked in, still grinning from his place on my back.

"shhh! They might be sleeping!" I warned, but found Tom in the front room at the same time. He was laying on the floor, clutching at his leg in what looked like agony, crying and biting his lip. "Tom! What happened?!" I accidently dropped Dougie as I crouched down to him, seeing what was wrong. "n-nothing." Tom spat out, barely, he looked pale, I mean paler than usual. "doesn't look like nothing! What have you done to your leg? Come on, we'll help, have you fallen over or something and hurt it more?" I gently prodded at his leg, earning a loud, deafening scream of pain from Tom. "oh sh*t, what did you do?" I noticed that the table was off centre, like it had been knocked, hard. Tom also had a bit of a cut on his head, and there was a bit of blood on the table, so obviously he had fallen over it. But the question was, why wasn't Danny or Carrie here to notice this?!

"right, come on, let me have a look at your leg." I sighed, gingerly moving Toms leg out straight and rolling up his jeans to see a purple and bruised leg, which was starting to swell too. I hissed at the sight of his swelling leg and decided we would have to take him to the hospital. There was nothing we could do to help him, and I suspected that Toms leg was broken, so it was best to take him to hospital. "Tom, we're going to have to take you to hospital, to look at your leg. I don't think I can help you on my own." I didn't want to have to take Tom up there, knowing he wasn't going to like it one bit, but really, what other choice did I have? I couldn't just try and bandage it up, it could do more damage than good. "no! I'm fine!" Tom protested, like I knew he would, fighting the pain so he looked normal, he even tried moving his leg, which just caused him to scream out in pain again.

"no, you're not Tom, just let us take you to the hospital, they'll sort you out properly." Dougie bit at his lip, playing with his phone nervously, I hoped he was texting Danny and telling him what was going on.


	96. Chapter 96

**guest - thanks! i'm glad you've been enjoying it! and in total the word count came to 390,313 in total and a page count of 567! :)**

**xxPUDDxx - Pudd is very beautiful :) we'll find out what Tom did to himself in a minute, and Jonesy will be back in a minute! haha :)**

189 Dannys POV

I ran to Toms house the second I got the text from Dougie, cursing the fact I had overslept. Dougies text had woken me up, telling me that Tom had seriously hurt his leg and now Harry and Dougie were taking him to hospital, just in case he had broken it or something. I reached the door just as I heard a scream of pain from Tom, which made me sprint the last few feet to the living room, finding him screaming and crying in pain, crying out whenever someone touched him.

"Tommy! Tommy baby, whats happened?! What did you do?!" I shouted, falling next to my lover straight away, wiping away his tears. I hissed when I saw the cut on his head, figuring he must have fallen over and hit his head. "its going to be okay honey, we're going to sort this out, okay? Come on, I'll carry you to the car." I didn't give Tom much choice, just (carefully, always carefully) put one arm under Toms shoulder, the other under his good leg, trying not to jostle the other as I picked him up. Tom still cried out, clawing at my tshirt in agony. "shhh, baby, shhh, I've got you now. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise, just shhh." I whispered, cradling the crying blonde in my arms, trying to comfort him by kissing his head, it did nothing.

"Dougie, go get Mickey or something, while we get Tom to the car, okay?" Harry gently kissed Dougies nose, something that usually stopped him from panicking, he was holding it in quite well right now, but I guessed it was best that we did distract him though, just for a little while. Dougie ran off upstairs, and Harry took hold of Toms possibly broken leg, keeping it upright. Together, we managed to get Tom to the car, laying him on the backseat comfortably. "shhh, shhh Tom, shhh. Its alright, its gunna be okay." I got in after Tom, managing to fit in behind him, wrapping my arms around his tiny little waist.

Soon, Dougie was back out again, carrying Minnie Mouse, he jumped into the car and gave me the toy, barely having time to strap himself in as Harry drove off. Tom cried the whole way to the hospital, eventually just crying into me, squeezing my arm painfully. "its okay, shhh, we're going to sort it out. We're going to stop the pain and sort it out. Shhh." I whispered the whole time, stroking Toms blonde hair, pressing us close together. I tried not to enjoy our closeness and tried to instead focus on the fact that Tom was in pain, he needed my love and comfort, not me practically swooning because we were so close for the second day running.

Finally, we got to the hospital, so I picked up the crying Tom, carrying him into A&E, luckily it wasn't too full, so hopefully we would get sorted pretty quickly.

190 Toms POV

My leg was honestly so, so painful today, with every beat of my heart, my leg shot a huge wave of splicing pain up my whole body, which was making my head pound in time with it. I had given up completely on trying to not pretend I was in pain, or stay away from the guys and the toys, I just needed some more comfort today, to ease the throbbing. So now I was clinging to Dannys shirt, and Minnie Mouse, crying uselessly into his already soaking wet chest. "shhh, baby, its gunna be alright. Its not long now, we'll ease the pain soon." Danny was whispering, stroking his fingers across my hip, I tried not to cringe. I hadn't completely forgotten everything due to my current pain, I was still very aware of how disgusting I was.

"Thomas Fletcher?" a nurse finally called, so again, Danny picked me up and carried me to a waiting room, and my panic levels went up tenfold. I finally realised where I was, and how much I hated hospitals, they were horrible places, people died here! People came here when they had nervous breakdowns, and when they had nervous breakdowns, they left! Thats exactly what my dad did, he had a nervous breakdown, went to hospital, and left 2 days after he had come home! I didn't want to be in here, where people decided to leave the people they were supposed to love, I hated being here!

"right so you've hurt your leg?" the friendly looking nurse smiled gently at me, I shook my head, I just had to get out of here! Before she touched me and realised there was something wrong, something wrong with me all over, I just needed to get out of here, before anyone realised there was something wrong. "hey, Tommy, you don't need to be brave right now, tell the nurse whats happened." Danny encouraged, holding me on the bed a little, his heavy hands on my shoulders, comforting but restraining. "n-n-nothings happened! I'm fine!" I lied, she was also going to touch me too! I didn't want her to touch me either, cause she might discover the cuts, or the bruises. I was covered in bruises right now, because my skin was so weak, because of my awful diet, I hated the bruises so much. They looked even more ugly than my face.

"Tom! You don't need to lie, or be brave. Look, he's hurt his leg, fell over or something, hit his head on the table too." Danny warned, then explained nicely to the nurse what had happened. "right, so how did you manage to fall over then?" the nurse asked, looking at me with pity, like I was helpless in all this. "nothing, I was just, walking and fell. I'm fine! Its just a bump and a bruise." I whimpered, I couldn't even remember how I managed it, I just know I fell over and hurt my leg. "aw, well lets see if we can get you fixed up. We'll have to x-ray your leg just to check for breakages, because looking at this bruising, it looks like a break." The nurse smiled condescendingly, putting my teeth on edge. "its not a break! Its fine!" I cried out, I did not want to be x-rayed! I did not want any of this! I was fine, I couldn't spend this much time here! These places changed people, made them want to leave! I cried out helplessly, wanting just to go home, and curl up under a blanket in my music room.

"aw, baby, stop it. Its alright, its just an x-ray okay? Just an x-ray. Nothing is gunna happen." Danny squeezed me close, letting me soak his shirt again with tears. "I don't wanna go!" I cried, whimpering uselessly because I really wanted to get out of here, I hated places like this. They changed peoples minds, people died, and they strapped you down to beds here! They sent me to sleep and held me down to the bed for over a week only a few months ago! I couldn't be here when stuff like that happened! I didn't want stuff like that to happen, I just wanted to go home and be safe!

"Tommy, honey, calm down. You need to calm down now. You're hyperventilating." Danny bent down to my level, stroking my hair, smearing blood across my head at the same time. He had a few blood spots on his shirt too! Oh god, I ruined his shirt! How could I be so selfish and ruin his shirt?! "I-I can't! I-I'm sorry! I-I'm so sorry!" I heaved, so glad the others had been made to stay in A&E and the nurse had gone away, this was so horrible, so babyish, but I couldn't help it! I was just, so, so scared. "its okay baby, shhh. Calm down, before you pass out, okay? Its all going to be okay soon, I promise, I won't let anyone hurt you. I'll be right here, right beside you, all the time." Danny promised, managing to calm me a little. "p-promise to stay with me. Promise." I whimpered. "yes, I promise, I promise you I will be here the whole time, making sure you'll be fine." Danny kissed my forehead then my lips gently, not letting go until I was calmer and breathing.


	97. Chapter 97

191 Dougies POV

Waiting outside in the waiting room was torture, I just wanted to see Tom, make sure he was okay, I just wanted to know what was going on! I didn't know if he had actually broken something, or if he had a concussion, or anything! I just wanted to know what was going on, how he was, and how the hell we were going to manage if he had broken his leg or had a head injury. We were doing a concert soon, how could we perform if one of us was injured? And how could we disappoint everyone if we had to cancel? Surely Fletch would never forgive us, and would give Tom an even harder time than what he was already getting, I didn't want him to cut again, it wouldn't be good for him to start again, he would trigger Danny...my nightmare would eventually come true. And that thought scared me more than anything else in the world.

"Doug, calm down, stop worrying. Its going to be alright. They're probably just bandaging up Toms leg and checking to see if he has hurt his head. Him and Danny will be out soon, as good as new." Harry tried comforting me, gently trying to keep me sat on his lap, but I wanted to get up and find them. Who knew what the doctors were doing to Tom?! Last time they sedated him and strapped him down to a bed, how could we possibly be calm now when something like that could happen again? "no! I can't stop worrying! What if Toms panicking and freaking out? What then? They'll sedate him again and send him away or something!" I argued, a thousand different situations running through my head, barely any of them good. "no, they won't. Danny is with Tom, keeping him calm. He'll be fine, okay? He'll get this leg sorted, and his head, then we'll all go home and it will be back to normal, alright?" Harry sighed, he knew how worked up I could get over someone I loved, and trust me, the amount of times we had ended up in A&E because Harry had yet again run into something and hurt himself again, he knew exactly how to calm me down.

"I hope so, I hate this! I just want to know whats happening, its not fair that we can't know whats happening yet!" I was so used to being with the person being treated, seeing what was going on, that this was killing me to not know what was happening yet.

An hour later, we were still waiting, and I was getting agitated again, needing to see what was going on with Tom right now. It was starting to really scare me that we hadn't seen him or Danny yet, or gotten a text or anything about Toms state. But finally, Danny came out, being followed along behind by Tom. He was on crutches, had a large plaster on his head, and looked like he had been crying a large amount.

"whats up? Whats all the diagnoses?! And can we go home now? This place is freaking me out!" I was up and over to them before Harry even got the chance to react. "yeah, we can go home now. And Toms got a broken leg, and a mild concussion, other than that, everything is alright." Danny sighed, he was smiling a relieved smile, like he had been worried for the worst.

192 Harrys POV

Somehow, Danny managed to hold Toms hand as he swung himself forward on his crutches out to the car, making sure he was alright. He opened the car door and helped Tom inside, much to the blondes annoyance. "I'm fine Danny. You don't need to help me, alright?" Tom sighed, he was so used to this by now but he had to be getting annoyed, in his usual Tom way. "but the doctors said you need to be careful! You've got a broken leg and a head injury, you need to take it easy, so I'm just trying to help you so you don't cause more damage to yourself." Danny replied, picking at his fingers. "I'll be fine, alright? Its just a broken leg, I'm not made of glass." Tom warned, leaning his head on the head rest and closing his eyes.

He stayed like that for the rest of the journey home, all of us keeping a eye on him, just in case. I knew the symptoms of a concussion, after getting so many myself (I was pretty accident prone, the amount of times I ended up in hospital myself with various injuries was unbelievable) I knew the signs of a killing concussion caused headache. And this was it, sitting still and closing your eyes, avoiding bright lights because they stung so much. I was thankful Dougie knew that as well, so he wasn't worrying as much as he would have been. He was still worried, but had a sense of understanding about him, because he sort of knew what to expect. So really, it was only Danny was who was silently going out of his mind, watching Tom like a hawk, squeezing his hand, chewing at his lip until he drew blood.

Finally, we got home, all of us shadowing Tom, just in case he lost consciousness, or felt dizzy, or anything that could make him fall over. He made it to the sofa safely and actually laid down on it, groaning and putting a hand over his eyes. Danny grabbed a blanket and laid it over Tom, crouching down and stroking his hair. "does your head hurt honey?" he asked, getting a small nod. "aw, okay. Stay here and rest, it'll go soon." Danny reassured him, still playing with Toms hair, his fingers starting to massage his head.

The couple carried on like that for the rest of the day, until Tom fell asleep, still curled up on the sofa, having not moved since he laid down. "I've got to wake him up in a few hours." Danny sighed, running his hand over Toms face, relaxing his muscles a little. "why?" Dougie sat down next to him, though never taking his eyes off Tom, like if he did, he would die or something. "the doctors told me to, I have to wake him up every few hours, ask him something simple and see how he reacts. Cause he might have a bit of brain damage." Danny explained, looking really quite scared at the thought.


	98. Chapter 98

**xxPUDDxx - hmm, we'll see if Tom gets brain damage or not ;) MWHAHAHAHAHA **

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193 Dannys POV

I made sure that every 2 hours, on the dot, I woke Tom up and asked him his name. "Tommy, wake up a minute please!" I shook him for the 4th time, hearing Tom groan again. "Danny, go away! How many times are you doing this?!" Tom moaned, turning over and cuddling into the pillows. "I have to, I'm sorry, but the doctors told me that for the first 12-24 hours you have to be watched! And I have to wake you up every few hours just to make sure your brain still functions! Its one of the last times, I promise. So, whats your name?" I apologised, squeezing his waist gently, glad that he was too tired to even react. "Thomas Michael Fletcher, now let me sleep!" Tom growled, his head falling into the pillow, within minutes he was snoring softly again, curling in on himself, his bony little hand holding onto the pillow under his head. In other words, he looked adorable, despite his tiny frame and dead looking skin.

"okay, you can sleep now baby. Just one or two more wake ups then you can sleep properly." I whispered, kissing his shoulder gently. Then, I went back to flicking through random TV stations, all of which on silent, just in case. I didn't want to disturb Toms sleep anymore, so the TV was on silent. It wasn't too bad really, I had seen this episode of Friends over 100 times now, so I knew exactly what was going on, though it was a little quiet. Only Toms soft snores were breaking the silence, which was nice, but still, it was too quiet for me, I liked noise, it was comforting to hear noise. Also, if it carried on being too quiet, I was going to fall asleep myself, and then who would be waking Tom up to make sure he was alright?

Quickly, I got out of bed and jogged downstairs, trying to find my phone and earphones, so I could have some music playing. Once I found them I hurried upstairs again, crawling back into bed again, putting the phone on shuffle, wondering what it could throw at me. Mostly it was happy songs that kept me awake for most of the night, and I was happy with that. Now if I could hold Tom too, then it would have been perfect...wait a minute, he was sleeping, who said I couldn't hold him?! Of course I could hold him!

As carefully and quickly as I could, I scooted down the bed and wrapped my long arms around Toms middle, nuzzling into his soft neck, grinning like an idiot. Now this was what I called a perfect way to spend a night! Curled up with my lover (well, I think Tom was my lover, to be honest, I wasn't sure, we weren't exactly trying very hard with this relationship at the moment), some music playing softly, the TV shining a light over the both of us, perfect. Without realising it, I fell asleep, and to be honest, I couldn't even bring myself to care.

194 Toms POV

I woke up when the sun glared into my eyes, practically burning them with its brightness. I groaned and turned over, twisting my leg awkwardly, regretting it when a huge searing pain flew up my leg, making me cry out in pain. "huh, what? Baby, whats wrong?" Danny woke up too, sounding disorientated and confused. "n-nothing, just my leg, and the sun in my eyes." I managed to say, as more pain hit me. A headache starting up before I even moved again, my leg throbbed, and I started to feel nauseas, so exactly like I had done yesterday. "alright, give me a sec, I'll get the duvet. We have 6 hours until we have to go out." Danny pulled the duvet over our heads, reminding me that we had an interview today. Ah hell, how was I supposed to explain away this cast?! 'I fell over a table' wasn't going to sound very good was it?! But what else could I say? Nothing! It was the only thing I could say... I hoped no-one laughed at me because of it.

We stayed in bed for a few more hours, then got up, when Carrie came in to tell us Fletch had arrived, and so had Harry and Dougie, so they were waiting for the both of us. "fine, come on then Tom, better go show our faces." Danny yawned, looking so tired. He had been up most of the night with me, I felt guilty for leaving him like this now. But, I followed along behind him, like a good little boy, finding, as was said, Harry, Dougie and Fletch in the kitchen. The couple were eating some cereal, seemingly wearing each others clothes yet again, because Harry was clearly wearing Dougies 'I hate her' tshirt, and Dougie was in Harrys jeans, because they weren't as tight as normal. Also, Dougie had one of Dannys armbands on his arm, in amongst his own growing mass of bracelets that ran halfway up his arm, where the hell had he gotten that from?

"morning!" Danny yawned, sliding into a seat next to the couple, grabbing the spoon off Harry and eating it instead. "morning, have we finally decided to show our faces then instead of sleeping in for hours? And god, what the hell have you done now Tom?!" Fletch looked at me, using that clearly annoyed tone he always used when we did something we really should not have done. "I, er, sort of...broke my leg." I sighed, looking away from the guys, realising just how bad that sounded. "you broke your leg, how did you manage that?" Fletch asked, already getting out his phone, he was going to have to start calling people to tell them we needed special stuff now, or start cancelling stuff. "I fell over. I'll be fine though, really, I'm still capable of playing!" I tried to reassure him that we could get on with the concert we had coming up, because I could get on with playing the gig! I was sure I could play the gig, I just wouldn't have been as mobile as usual, that was all!

"really? You gunna be up for playing the show in 2 weeks?" Fletch started to put down his phone. "yeah, defiantly, a broken leg won't affect my playing, I swear! I'll just have to stand still, it'll be fine, I'm sure." I nodded, managing to sit down on a stool next to the wall, picking at some toast. "alright, we'll take it from here for today. The both of you need to get ready then we'll go out to this interview, so hurry up eating, or eat in the car. Also, Danny, you look knackered, have a sleep in the car or something, alright?" Fletch starting calling people again, leaving us to get ready.

I managed to get ready first somehow, dressed in baggy jeans (to hide the cast a bit) a white tshirt and black cardigan, my hair was still covering my eyes a little, and the bruise that was forming on my head. So I guessed I looked okay, but it didn't stop me checking my reflection 7 times a minute on the way to the studio, just to make sure I was still looking alright.

The interview was a minor miracle, there was nothing about my new discovered 'mental illness' or much about the run away. Mostly, it was more 'what the hell happened to your leg' and 'when are you getting back to touring' and generally band things. I didn't say too much after we got past my broken leg, just left the others to come up with sensible answers that made sense, just adding in my occasional comment. The last magazine reviews words still haunted my mind, talking about how I didn't fit in and how I tried to join in with the jokes but failed. I wasn't even trying anymore, just leaving everyone else to talk and make people laugh. Also, I didn't hold onto Dannys hand like I used to, just stayed where I was on my chair, letting everyone laugh around me, claiming to be tired. To be honest, I was just too nauseas and self conscious to speak, I felt like I was going to actually throw up any minute, and for once, it wasn't because I looked awful. I don't know why, but I felt so sick, like I was gagging whenever my head throbbed, which was constantly, I felt awful, and just wanted to crawl back into bed and hide until this passed. But I knew I couldn't, I had to stay where I was, I had to keep on going. This was for all of us, I had to keep on going, or I would let everyone down, and I couldn't let everyone down again, I just couldn't.


	99. Chapter 99

**xxPUDDxx - haha, i love putting in the subtle Pudd references :) **

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195 Dougies POV

Over the next few days, we had photoshoots and interviews, all turning out quite well, we managed to mostly avoid the whole 'Tom has a broken leg, how did he manage that?' question, but not the whole 'is Tom crazy?' question. Every time they asked it, in whatever way, I swear I saw a part of Tom die. He looked so upset when people mentioned it, and I couldn't help but think that he was ashamed of how he was, it wasn't his fault his mind didn't work to what was deemed 'normal'. That didn't mean people could try and crack jokes, or make him seem crazy.

"so Tom, what exactly is wrong with you then?" the latest presenter, some overly made up girl (I mean, did she want a face with that make up?!) in the latest 'hip' fashion with a ridiculous haircut, asked. We all tensed, hands instantly all tightening around Tom, who was placed in the middle of us, looking so awkward and scared it was worrying. "I, er, don't want to say." Tom whispered, picking at his shaking fingers, though his nails were already chewed off almost completely. "oh come on! Everyone wants to know, whats wrong with the great Tom Fletcher?" the presenter encouraged, waving her hands like it was a fun mystery. "we're not saying, drop it." Harry sent the warning glare, his arms protectively around both me and Tom, his fingers linked with mine.

"don't hold out on us boys! Come on, spill the beans for us." Again, the presenter tried to get it out of us, we refused more and more as Tom got more and more nervous, he actually looked terrified. And I knew, right then, that tonight was going to be the night that the self harm would start again. I just hoped that Danny couldn't start too, if he started again then my nightmares could come true. If that happened then I wasn't going to cope.

"we're not saying whats wrong, cause there is nothing 'wrong' as you call it, with Tom. He is fine, you just need to stop pressuring him, because we are fine." Danny growled, his arms encasing Toms shaking body, his hands really desperately scratching at his arm from Dannys grip on his hand.

At last the presenter gave in, telling the audience that they were going to a break and afterwards we were performing. As soon as the cameras were shut off, we were out of our seats and back in the dressing room, huddled round Tom as he barely kept in tears. He was shaking almost uncontrollably in what looked like fear and pure hurt, this wasn't the first time that interviewers had said there was something 'wrong' with Tom. The first few times had been expected, but after the 10th time, it was then just being spiteful, to see if he would crack. Scratch marks were starting to come up on Toms arm, thin red angry looking lines poking out from his shirt ends. He had kept up wearing long sleeves, even as it had gotten warmer, and I was sort of glad, none of us wanted to see the marks on his arm, or the scratch marks that were coming up.

"don't listen to them Tommy, they're just trying to get a reaction from us, which isn't right. You're perfectly normal, okay baby? You're perfectly normal, just a bit depressed." Danny went straight in with comforting the shaking blonde, his arms keeping a protective hold around him before Tom even had the chance to react. Me and Harry then wrapped our arms around Tom too, all of us keeping him close as he quaked, holding in tears, clearly trying to pull himself together. "do you want to go home now baby? Cause, we can go home now, we don't have to play a song too if you don't want to." Danny asked, and I knew he didn't want to perform either, he just wanted to go home too. He had also had enough of interviews and people trying to make Tom look crazy or like a freak, he just wanted to get his boyfriend home before it was too much damage was done to poor Toms mind.

196 Harrys POV

"I wanna go home." Tom whimpered, admitting to actually wanting to do the right thing for the first time in over a year. "you can't go home just yet. You have to do the performance!" Fletch smashed that thought completely, giving us all that disapproving look. "why should we when all they're looking for is the thing thats apparently wrong with us?" I argued, I had used 'us' instead of 'Tom' to try and make it sound like it was all of us they were judging, so Tom didn't have all the pressure on himself. Pressure always effected him in the worst of ways, and right now we couldn't make it any worse.

"because I'm saying you need to perform, or people really will think somethings wrong. You can't let them see they've rattled you, just go out, play the song, and then we'll go home, its going to take about 20 minutes." Fletch explained, still looking at us like we were naughty children. "do we have to though? We can't perform like this, let us go home." Danny tried, trying to silently indicate Toms curled up, shivering form. His head was in his hands and it looked like he was crying, though I couldn't be sure. "do you really want to give them more ammunition to hit you lot with because you haven't performed? If you don't go out, they'll start making up rumours which you really don't want, so how about you go and play the song so people don't think the worst, alright?" Fletch eventually made us go and do the performance, glaring at us from the sidelines to tell us to carry on and act normal.

Luckily, we were performing All About You, so it didn't look too bad that Tom was sitting on a stool, because we were all sat down. And the actual performance went very well considering how badly both Tom and Danny were being affected by the last presenters words. Their voices shook a little, but that was about it, hell, Danny even smiled a little as he sung the second verse, looking right at Tom, eyes full of love that was clear even from my angle. The look didn't leave even as the cameras shut off, he instead gave Dougie his guitar and ran to Tom, hugging him close on his stool.

"you did so well baby, I'm proud. Time to go home now though, I'll help you up." Danny whispered, helping Tom up and back to the car. Me and Dougie carried their bags as well as our own to the minivan, getting in the back first, then letting Tom and Danny in, the both of them curling up together for once. "shh baby, you did very well. I'm so proud. Shh." Danny whispered the whole way home, pressing kisses to Toms hair. The poor boy was whimpering into Dannys chest, clawing at his shirt helplessly. "you did well Tom, don't worry. No more interviews today, or for the next 2 days. We're going home now, I promise." I leant over the seat, trying to run my hand over Toms shaking shoulder, only finding Dannys hand over his arm instead.


	100. Chapter 100

**woooooo part 100! *party* lol xD**

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197 Dannys POV

I spent the whole car journey cuddled up with Tom, whispering in his hair that he did so well today, and that there wasn't a thing wrong with him. Tom was perfect, there was nothing wrong with him. Yes, his head didn't work like other peoples, and was even worse right now, but that meant nothing. He was a (mostly) functioning human being, there was nothing wrong with him. And no-one had the right to say he wasn't okay, because he was okay, he just needed some proper love and attention.

Finally, we got home, and Tom was shaking so much I didn't trust him to walk, even with his crutches. Also, he was pale, with a slight shade of green coming over him, like he was feeling sick. So, I picked him up and carried him, trying not to reminisce about the olden times when I could do this, just hold Tom and carry him in my arms whenever I wanted. I guessed I just had to make the most of it now, and try not to forget that this was not a completely normal day, Tom was a bit ill, so I had to be careful with him.

"feeling okay Tommy? Wanna go for a lay down?" I asked, knowing Tom wouldn't say anything if I didn't ask. Tom yawned, still holding onto my shirt, his tiny little hand squeezing around it, like I would drop him if he let go. "alright, time to go to sleep, I feel a bit tired too." I sighed, feeling wide awake, just wanting to stay with my boyfriend (I think) and hold him close, reassure him that he was normal, that whatever anyone said, he was still my perfect boyfriend, who I would love forever.

I tucked him up in bed first, then closed the curtains and the door, giving us some privacy and quiet. Then, I cuddled up to Tom under the duvet, holding my baby close. "sleep tight baby, you'll feel better. Its the long days and the concussion." I whispered, running my fingers over Toms face, trying to stop him screwing up his face so much. All I got in reply was Tom turning over and nuzzling back into his pillow, groaning a little. I was so glad we had the next two days off, so Tom could properly rest and try and get over this concussion, at the moment, we were rushed off our feet busy, it wasn't helping his recovery at all. He needed a few days at home to rest, calm down and maybe sleep some more. There were such dark bags under his eyes, cleverly covered with make-up, but to me, they were so visible. I just hoped that we could let Tom have at least a few days off to sleep, and Fletch wouldn't call us in to do something.

198 Toms POV

I still felt so sick, possibly even sicker than I did before, because of that last interview. They knew, everyone knew there was something wrong with me, and were blatantly trying to get me to admit to it. They wanted to know what was wrong with me, wasn't it obvious? All it took was someone looking at me to realise what was wrong, my whole face was wrong, along with my scrawny (beautifully) cut arms, skinny bruised and broken legs, and bruised matchstick torso. Surely people saw that, or were my clothes just very good at hiding this horrendous thing my mind lived in? I just wished people would stop asking me what was wrong with me, it made me feel worse, knowing that it was obvious there was something classed as wrong which everyone could see.

It took me ages to get to sleep, because of my churning stomach along with my pounding head, I wasn't allowed any medication for it, because it could apparently mess with my brain and make it worse, so I had to struggle on without anything. I probably wouldn't have taken anything anyway, I hated any kind of medication, I felt like a crazy person even when I was taking paracetamol, because really, who knew what it was? It could have been something else for all I knew! I had barely managed to wriggle out of not taking the medication the hospital had given me, only because I had been on my own when they had been given to me, so no-one knew about them. If they did, I could have guaranteed that I would have been forced to have them, like some caged up animal.

Finally, I fell into a restless sleep, having yet more nightmares, mostly flashbacks of reading some of our worst reviews, and all the rejections I had ever had. It was like my head decided it was going to remind me constantly of why I had originally run away, why I was still like this now, why I was so unwanted by everyone in this world apart from Danny, who was unaware of my nightmares right next to me. He slept the whole night through, like usual, didn't even twitch once. He didn't even seem affected when I managed to crawl out of bed and go to the bathroom, curling up on the cold tiles, feeling so sick and disgusting I wanted to throw up and cut my arms to shreds at the same time. It was all my fault anyway, if I hadn't gone and decided to trip over my own two feet I wouldn't be in this sick feeling mess, I wouldn't have been sleeping through the night, but I would have been better off than what I was right now.

During the course of the night, I managed to throw up twice, even though there was nothing to actually throw up, I hadn't eaten properly in days. I felt too sick when it actually came to it, at least during the day. At night, I had managed to few times to go downstairs and eat some of the scraps left of whatever everyone had eaten for dinner. I wasn't even allowing myself to eat disgusting food anymore, it was far too good for my sorry a*se, I could only eat the scraps left over, and there wasn't many, everyone in this house mostly ate everything apart from maybe a few crumbs.

"Tommy, baby, why are you in here?" I heard Dannys Bolton accent come through the door, waking me from my half asleep state. "baby, have you been sick?" Danny seemed to work out my problem, putting his arms around my waist in comfort, kissing the side of my head. I nodded slowly and groaned, feeling like death warmed up. "alright, I'll get you back to bed again then, lucky we have a day off isn't it?" Danny sighed, already sounding tired of this concussion, I would have to remember to not go on about it in future. He helped me up and into bed again, where I fell asleep properly at last, managing to get a few hours of dreamless sleep in before I heard the door crash open.


	101. Chapter 101

**just a quick reminder, if you don't have an account on here, you can tweet me corruptedpov or writeabledreams, or message me on my tumblr, which is mcflycorruptedmypov :)**

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199 Harrys POV

"Fletch! Don't slam the door!" I shouted at our manager as he slammed the door closed, giving me a hard glare. "why shouldn't I? You're late." Fletch crossed his arms, his attention turning to the stairs as Danny came down, wearing only a pair of boxers and a tshirt. "whats going on? You woke Tom up!" Danny grumbled, yawning loudly. "he shouldn't be sleeping anyway! You're all late!" Fletch turned red with more anger. "why? We have the day off!" Danny rubbed his eyes, staying calm. There was a small thump as Tom hopped down too, looking at Fletch with wide scared eyes.

"no you don't, you have rehearsals today! I told you this yesterday, in the car! We're going to the studio to rehearse for next weeks show!" Fletch gave Tom yet another glare, he always gave Tom the worst glares, even when he wasn't doing anything wrong. "Fletch, how are we supposed to do a show, while Tom has a broken leg?" Danny asked, stepping upstairs so he was in front of Tom, holding his arm around the blondes waist protectively. "thats why we're rehearsing! So we can sort out this whole problem." Fletch pointed accusingly at Toms leg cast, like it was an evil thing, that would actually maim us.

"do we have to? I promised that we would have a day of rest! Tommy needs rest, we all need rest Fletch. We need a break." Danny whined a little, running his fingers gently over Toms hip, relaxing a little when Tom let him do it. Tom himself looked a little uncomfortable, but managed to stand there, looking more fearful of what was happening than relaxed by Dannys touch. "yeah, we all really need a break, can't we wait a while longer, we've worked our a*ses off this week, don't we at least deserve a day of rest? And anyway, we're supposed to be letting Tom have some rest while he's recovering from a concussion, can we PLEASE let him actually recover?" I backed up Danny, moving over to the couple on the stairs.

"he's fine, why does he need more time off? Is he being an over dramatic drama queen?" Fletch growled, spitting out every 'he' like it disgusted him to even think about Tom. "Tom, come here a minute!" Carrie called, I turned round to see her head popping out from her bedroom door, obviously trying to get Tom out of the way from Fletchs anger. All we needed was Fletchs anger to cause Tom to get worse, the interviews had killed him enough as it was, we didn't need our own manager trying to make him worse. "go to Carrie honey, we'll sort this out, alright?" Danny whispered gently into Toms ear, kissing his cheek, sensing Toms confusion over where to go.

Tom followed Carrie back to her room, the door closing and music starting playing within seconds. "Fletch, kitchen, now." Danny turned to glare at Fletch, storming down to the kitchen, the rest of us following behind. "we are not coming in today to do anything, alright? We are staying here, like you promised us yesterday morning. I know for a fact you didn't say anything in the car about rehearsal today. So what the hell do you want?" Danny crossed his arms and full on death glared Fletch, all the anger and hatred that had developed over the past few weeks starting to show. "to get the drama queen back on track like he said he would be." Fletch answered cooly, with just a hint of an under tone of anger. "Tom is not a drama queen, he's ill at the moment, alright? He is ill, and you're not giving him enough chance to breathe and get better. If you let him breathe, then maybe you might get him 'back on track' as you so nicely put it." Danny hissed, scratching at his arm. I grabbed his hand before he caused more damage to himself.

"how ill is he? Its a broken leg, not cancer or something!" Fletch rolled his eyes, like we were over exaggerating something tiny. "its a broken leg, a concussion and he still doesn't think straight! Do you really think we would go over the top like this for a little thing?" I explained, before Danny got too emotional, I didn't want to trigger him into wanting to hurt himself. "no, but still, he's being over dramatic about everything! Acting all depressed after every interview and performance, cutting himself so we feel sorry for him, its all just seeking attention!" it was obvious we had found a floor in Fletchs logic. "no its not! Its not seeking attention, its actually a control thing! You know nothing of it Fletch, nothing. There is nothing attention seeking about anything Tom does, he does it because thats how he feels, unless you've forgotten that he actually has emotions like everyone else!" Danny growled, probably the best on to talk about this. "oh really? He's just making us feel sorry for him, so we don't blame him too much for the things he does!" Fletch argued back, the music upstairs turned up more.


	102. Chapter 102

**xxPUDDxx - Dougie's staying out of it for a while :) **

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200 Dougies POV

I was staying out of this, not wanting to get in the way of the argument I think we were winning. Fletch didn't have much to go on apart from his own opinion, so it was easier for us because we had actual evidence, to back up our side. "no Fletch! You don't know how much we're all going through! You have no idea how much Tom is going through, whats going on in his head, we do, and its not pretty at all! Trust me, he would never try and attention seek, ever! Its more a coping mechanism, to what you're putting us through! Tom can't properly cope with all this without a break! Just let us have today to ourselves, he's ill! The concussion is hitting him badly because he isn't resting! So let us rest, just for today!" Danny looked more emotional than angry now, just thinking about the marks on Toms arm (which I still hadn't seen) was making him so upset.

"how ill is he then?" Fletch seemed to finally become concerned. "he's tired all the time, has a permanent headache, feels so sick he doesn't eat. This morning I found him in the bathroom, after having thrown up during the night. And his leg is killing him, walking around like we do is hurting his leg more than healing it. He needs rest, just for a while." Danny explained, eyes turning huge with his pleading. "oh, really? You sure you're not over exaggerating." Fletch seemed to back down more. "we're not. Tom is honestly like that, you can't expect him to rehearse and things while having a banging headache, feeling like he's going to be sick. Just let him rest, just for today and stop piling pressure onto him constantly. You'll make him crack under pressure, he can't handle the pressure you're putting on him." Danny pleaded, relaxing as Fletch deflated.

"fine, you can have the day off, but, try and come up with a set list today, so you're ready for tomorrow. I'll take off some of the pressure, just, make sure he's rested and ready to rehearse tomorrow!" Fletch turned and left, as soon as the door closed, we all relaxed. "thank god for that." Harry sighed, squeezing my side gently. "I better go give the cost is clear, and get Tom back into bed, so he can rest. I don't want him throwing up again." Danny went to move. "so you weren't lying?" I asked, he shook his head.

"no, he's actually been sick. Even though he hasn't eaten anything for days." Danny whimpered and shuffled upstairs, we followed along behind, for a bit of support, because he was so worried about Tom. We walked straight into Carries room, hearing Paramores 'Pressure' even louder. The Fletcher siblings were sat on Carries bed, both still in their pyjamas, talking. Somehow, Carrie had managed to get Tom to help her straighten her hair, he was actually doing most of the straightening! I felt guilty for thinking that Tom must have been ill for actually straightening someones hair.

"coast is clear guys, Fletch has gone. We've managed to wrangle the day off." Harry explained, stopping Carries talking. "awesome! Day of curling up on the sofa and watching films it is! You and me are having a girly day!" Carrie laughed, starting to plait her hair as Tom finished straightening it.

201 Toms POV

Carrie made me help her put her hair into pig tails, and made me sit still while letting her straighten my own hair. I didn't want to sit there, I wanted to move and get away from her and her hands. I didn't want her touching me, being touched was awful, I hated being touched like this. It was so tempting to move, let the straighteners burn me, but it would have been on my face, which would be noticeable, I was already getting too much attention at the moment as it was.

"so, what do you want to do today? We can have a total all out girly fest today, just like we used to! We're already doing each others hair, but we can watch films and sing and play games too if you want!" Carrie was grinning widely at me, putting my hair through more of the tempting straightners. If I had been left alone with them, I would have burnt myself by now, it had been days since my last cut, my arms were itching madly. I needed release now, and no-one was giving me the chance. "hey, come on Tom, what do you want to do today? Its your day off, we can kick the others out and spend the day together, having a relaxing day to ourselves! We can do anything you want, its your choice, so, whats it to be?" Carrie was still smiling, but on the inside, I was panicking. I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to curl up on the floor and stay there, why couldn't I? I didn't want to waste my sisters day, or anyone elses, I couldn't choose what we were going to do either. It would be the wrong thing, I always chose the wrong thing, I couldn't just dictate the day and make her miserable, could I?

"I-I, I don't want to do anything." I whispered bravely, trying to keep quiet, not wanting to annoy her too much. "well, why not?" Carrie asked, turning my head so she could straighten the back of my hair. I realised we were using her straighteners, great, now my disgusting hair was on her stuff. "I-I feel ill." I answered even more quietly, barely even saying it. I just couldn't put myself through a day with my sister watching films and things knowing that it was a waste of her day. Carrie could go out and be with people her own age instead, she would have more fun with her boyfriend and her friends than with me, I would just mess everything up again like I did at last year.

_Flashback 10th October 2010 _

_I ran through the streets until I found Carries house, knocking desperately on the door. "hey watch it! Oh Tom, whats the matter?" Carrie opened the door, her face turning from angry to emotionless as she realised it was me by the door. "police, so close, to the police." I heaved, I had been so close to getting caught, I couldn't risk getting caught, it would ruin everything. "right, okay. Get in then." Carrie sighed, pulling me in by my arm. She led me to the sofa, where she made me sit down. "I'm sorry, I just, didn't know where else to go." I apologised, feeling genuinely guilty for turning up. I knew that I had promised to never bother anyone ever again, but I still went to Carries house, just to keep sane, even though I knew I was annoying her so much by doing this. _

_"its okay, I like knowing that you're still safe." Carrie smiled, pulling out her phone. She was in one of her best dresses, like she was going out somewhere. "where you about to go out? Cause I can go, I just needed cover for 5 minutes, that was all." I lied, as soon as I left here I was going to have to run like hell to somewhere else, hoping to god I wouldn't be caught. "nah, stay, its fine. I was just going to go out with Charlie, we can reschedule." Carrie shook her head, the coin dropped inside my head, it was her and her boyfriends anniversary today. "no, no I'll go. You go out with Charlie, and have fun. I won't bother you again." I stood back up again, ready to leave. _

_"no! Don't go! Stay, please Tom, stay! I am begging you, its been weeks since I last heard from you! Stay, please!" Carrie begged, pushing me back onto the sofa. "you sure?" I asked, Carrie nodded. "stay, please. Have a shower, have some dinner and sleep in the guest bedroom, for as long as you want." Carrie pleaded, I gave in, just like always. "okay, I'll stay the night if you insist. But, please, go out with Charlie, have some fun like any other teenager in love." I turned to pleading, I couldn't just stay here and expect Carrie to stay with me, especially on her and her boyfriends anniversary. "Tom, I can reschedule with Charlie to any day of the week. And I never know when you're coming round, I'll stay with you, okay?" Carrie shook her head, phoning her boyfriend and explaining the situation._

_We stayed in for the rest of the night, I managed to have a shower and some dinner, and got to have a huge hole in my tshirt sewn up as well, which was nice, and I almost managed to fool myself into believing that this was like any other year. But always, in the back of my mind, I knew that I was wasting Carries time, she could have been with her boyfriend, laughing, joking, being in love like she was supposed to be. I had just barged in and ruined her whole evening, like I was an obligation to look after. I couldn't sleep that night because of the guilt filling up inside me, I was awake all night, trying to go to sleep and not have guilt filled dreams. Even at breakfast, I was just so guilty I could barely eat, knowing I should have been getting going now. _

_"I'm going to go, I'm sorry again, for wasting your evening. Thanks for letting me stay." I managed a smile and headed towards the door, just as the doorbell rung. "it was no problem, wanna still go out the front door?" Carrie asked, I shook my head. "I'll wait until whoever it is has gone." I ran and hid on the balcony, seeing that it was Danny, Harry and Dougie who had turned up! Sh*t! That was it, I leapt over the railing and ran, all the way back to my car, hoping to god they hadn't seen me and Carrie wouldn't tell them I had been at hers all night. _

_Flashback end_

I always messed up with Carrie, always. I always wasted her time, made her spend time with me, made her look after me on occasion too. This year had shown how much I relied on her, she was the girl I had run to every time something went wrong, she had fed me and given me a bed to stay in when it was cold, even let me use her shower. And in return, I did nothing for her, at all, I felt so guilty, having never realised how much I had wound her up and never thanked her. I hadn't thanked one single person for trying to look after me, even though I didn't need it, I just took all I could then over dramatised everything. Fletch was right, I was a drama queen, I had to man up and learn to actually be nice to other people, starting with not wasting their time.


	103. Chapter 103

**adding again even without comments, because someone's just favourited this. **

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202 Dannys POV

Carrie had kicked me, Harry and Dougie out of her bedroom so she could have some time alone with Tom, while they were hair straightening. I was kind of shocked that Tom was actually helping out Carrie, and was letting her touch him, but it couldn't be anything but a good thing. At least Tom was letting someone be with him, and touch him, do something for him. I still wanted it to be me though, so I could be the one fiddling with his hair, just like we used to. One of my favourite things to do was to sit for hours on end, playing with Toms hair, twirling it between my fingers, messing it up so much it looked like he had just woken up.

Eventually, the door opened, and I heard footsteps along with hopping, which was clearly Tom moving. He went to his bedroom and closed the door, and Carrie came downstairs, fiddling with her perfectly made plaits. Tom had always been good with plaiting his sisters hair, and straightening it, and generally styling it. "whats he up to then?" I asked, wondering why Tom wasn't downstairs, getting some breakfast. "sleeping, Toms knackered, he feels ill. He hasn't had a good night from what I heard, so he should be allowed some more time to rest." Carrie answered, curling up on the sofa, picking up Marvin and stroking him.

"alright, I'll go up in a while and stay with him, Tom needs some company, in case he needs to talk, or is sick." I promised myself I would go back up there to see him, if only just to hold Tom close so he was comforted during his dreams. I knew Tom had nightmares, about what I didn't know, but Tom had always had nightmares, over mostly the most randomest of things. But right now, I knew it was probably his insecurities. I wanted to protect Tom from everything still, including his nightmares, I just hoped staying with him would help him in some way.

I waited half an hour then went upstairs, finding Tom in his room, plucking at his guitar quietly, fully concentrating on the music. He looked perfect as he sat there, the light was hitting him just right. Toms hair was glowing in the light, and his skin was almost glowing, for the first time in forever. Also, from my angle, I could see the start of a smile on his perfect face, that infamous dimple just starting to poke in Toms cheek...my god I had missed the perfect dimple. Just the sight of that dimple was enough to make my heart pound inside my chest, and pterodactyls fly around in my stomach, it stopped me in my tracks every single time.

"what do you want Danny?" Tom made me jump, breaking me from my staring. "I was wondering what you were up to. You're on your own again, I thought you would want some company." I managed to say, hoping Tom believed me. "I'm fine by myself." Tom answered, never taking his eyes from his guitar. I wished he had the courage to look up at me, or anyone for that matter, I missed looking into those chocolate honey eyes, getting lost in them. "you sure? I'd like to stay with you, just hang out, like we're supposed to." I just wanted to spend some time with Tom while we weren't sleeping, try and fool myself into thinking that we were a happy couple like we were, that there weren't scars on our arms, like Tom could and would look at me, touch me, and generally be that perfect boyfriend I had always dreamed of. "fine, stay here if you want. I'm just being boring anyway." Tom grumbled, he wasn't exactly happy with this, I could tell, but I was going to stay, there was nothing he could do to stop me. I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend, and make him better, and that was exactly what I was going to do.

203 Toms POV

Danny sat down next to me on the floor, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging them. "any requests?" I asked, indicating the guitar. "something you haven't played me before, surprise me." Danny smiled, his arm winding round my shoulders. "er, alright, but I'm not singing." I warned, no way was I singing more than I had to. I still sounded so awful, I couldn't put Danny through that torture. "alright, I don't mind. I love hearing you play anyway." Danny squeezed my shoulder, so I decided to play a song called 'Runaway'.

My fingers shook as I played it, knowing that if anyone ever read those lyrics, they would remember the runaway. I had written this song while I was still in hospital, and had only just written it down a few months ago, I liked it a lot, I just didn't want everyone to know about it. I didn't want Fletch to shout at me for trying to remind people about me running away. He viewed it like it was a horrible, terrible thing, like I had killed someone that wasn't myself. I never dared to mention it, knowing how much Fletch would kill me for it.

I finished without messing it up too badly, waiting for Danny to say something. "its beautiful, I like it, we should record it." Danny finally said, smiling softly. "we can't." I shook my head, we couldn't record it, Fletch would kill me. "why not?" Danny asked, soothingly running his fingers over my shoulder. "you haven't read the lyrics, its about running away. Fletch would kill me." I whispered, I was terrified of what Fletch and Paul were capable of, it was Paul who shoved me over and hurt my ankle in the first place. What else was he capable of, I dreaded to think. I didn't want to provoke either of them to be honest, I would hate to have more injuries to explain away. It was hard enough to try to explain to people about my leg, let alone anything else.

"who cares what Fletch thinks? He is a tw*t, you shouldn't care about his opinion. We should record it." Danny encouraged, but I was sticking to my thoughts, I was not recording this song, no way, I would not let it be recorded. Fletch would actually kill me, or leave me close to death, I was not risking it.

"I don't care, we are not recording it. Now can we change the subject?" I was desperate to change the subject, not wanting to record this song, this one was staying in my lyric book, never to be heard again. "alright, what do you want to do?" Danny asked, playing with my straight and (finally) styled to perfection hair. "I don't know, I'm not bothered." I shrugged, I wanted to practise today, despite my headache and sick feeling, but wouldn't be bothered if I didn't. It all depended on what the others wanted to do. "right, well I want to listen to music in the comfy chair and fall asleep in it, just like we used to." Danny pulled me up and helped me hop to the cinema room, setting me down in the comfy chair. Then he put on a CD in the player, cuddling up to me in the chair, not caring that I was whimpering and writhing to get away. He only shh'd me and told me to relax, that relaxing would do me some good. Eventually I gave up struggling, feeling my head start to pound and the nauseas feeling come back, and tried to relax in my boyfriends arms. I managed it after a while, and I fell asleep, wondering if this was the plan all along.


	104. Chapter 104

**xxPUDDxx - hmmm, could be, might not be though :)**

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204 Dannys POV

I was so glad Tom actually let me hold him, admittedly after a struggle, but he still let me hold him close eventually, and that was what mattered. Now, he was sleeping calmly, in my arms, like my boyfriend had always done. "sleep tight baby, I love you, so much." I whispered, stroking Toms back gently, grinning so widely my face almost split in half when he cuddled closer, his hand tightening on my tshirt. I put my hand over his, kissing his hair gently, loving how close we were right now, I had missed these moments, they happened so rarely, they needed to happen more often.

"you're perfect baby, you should believe in yourself more." I whispered, pressing another long kiss to his hair, thinking about that song. It had sounded so beautiful, like it was full of angst, but sounded so perfect, I wanted to hear Tom sing it, I wanted to hear the lyrics. Mostly, I just wanted to hear Tom sing, so I could hear his beautiful voice, from what I could hear when we sung Party Girl the other week, Toms voice had sounded so beautiful. His voice is always beautiful, but he sounded perfect the other day, no matter what he said or thought, he had the best voice I had ever heard.

The door the slipped open, and a messy blonde head popped through the opening, then a short black haired head came in over the top. "hey, you alright?" Harry whispered, his hands kept on Dougies hips protectively. "yeah. Took me a while to get him like this, but I managed." I answered, running my fingers through Toms hair, hoping to soothe the headache I knew he was still suffering from. "thats good...er, don't suppose I could nick one of Toms shirts? The one I've been wearing doesn't smell like him anymore." Dougie asked, biting his lip nervously.

"yeah sure, go for it. You don't have to ask, go nick whatever you want!" I laughed, I didn't mind Dougie nicking Toms clothes, and I knew Tom wouldn't mind either. We always took each others clothes, and knew just how much Dougie got effected by things that stressed him out, so anything we could have done to help him through we would do for him. "thanks! I'll replace the old one with this one, don't worry!" Dougie quickly held up Toms Batman tshirt and then ran off, Harry hot on his heels. I was glad they didn't make too much noise while they ran, I didn't wanted to wake up Tom from his well needed sleep. Plus, I didn't want to have Tom leave my arms just yet, it had been hard enough to get him in this position, let alone get him sleeping, if he left now, I would feel crushed.

Dougie came back a few minutes later, showing me the Wolverine tshirt I had thought Tom had hidden, how he found that I would never know. "this one okay to steal?" Dougie got a nod of approval, he squeaked and ran out the door to take it home, he was back within minutes. I had never seen Dougie go so fast off stage in my life. "thanks Danny, it means a lot to him. It helps him sleep through the night." Harry smiled, grabbing Dougie the second he came in, wrapping him into his arms. "shh, I'm not that bad!" Dougie shook his head, playing down his worry. "yeah, whatever you say Dougs. We'll still love you, no matter what." Harry giggled, kissing Dougies head again, looking so lovingly at his husband, just like always.

205 Harrys POV

I knew Dougie was trying to act brave in front of Danny about his nightmares, so I tried to tell him that we would still love him no matter how many nightmares he had. Tom made us jump by groaning a little and shuffling a little in Dannys arms, making his head comfier against Dannys chest, using him like a pillow. "shhh! Babies sleeping!" Danny warned in a whisper, pointing to Toms little sleepy head. "sorry, we'll go then." I backed us out of the door, leaving it open so there was some light in the room. We crept back downstairs, waiting for some idea on what to do now. We had nothing to do right now, apart from wait for Tom and Danny to wake up.

"we could start making a set list I guess." Dougie shrugged, playing with the drumsticks I had automatically put in my pocket. I rarely went anywhere without them, they gave me some more confidence when I needed it, and it was automatic to shove them in my pockets whenever we went out the door, just in case. "alright, Fletch will most probably kill us if we don't, so might as well take Tom out of the firing line...again." I sighed, Fletch really seemed to like blaming Tom for every little thing at the moment. It wasn't Toms fault things went wrong, so I didn't see why Fletch had to blame him and think he was being attention seeking.

We managed to come up with half a set list in 2 hours, picking songs was so difficult, there were some many good ones to choose from. "we have to start on Party Girl." Dougie decided, circling the song. "whys that then?" I asked, taking a moment to enjoy watching Dougies mind work, practically seeing the cogs in his head turning. People always seemed to have the perception that Dougie was stupid, he actually wasn't, once you got to know him, you realised he was a very clever boy, who had brilliant (and sometimes really, really, weird and disturbing) thoughts, he just took a while to get them said right, or at all. "because this one me and Tom don't sing much at all in, so its a good one to get him started. So we're easing him into it, and if we go for his favourite songs, then we might be able to get him singing!" Dougie explained, grinning madly at me.

"have I ever told you that you're a genius?" I asked, starting to smile myself, that could actually work! "no, I don't think you have, but thanks." Dougie blushed a little, playing with his long hair in embarrassment. "well, you are. That could actually work you know! Right, what other songs are there that Tom doesn't sing much in?" I started mentally going through all of our songs in my mind, trying to find ones that either Danny or Dougie sang more in than Tom. In the end, we got 'Transylvania' 'Silence Is A Scary Sound' 'Walk In The Sun' 'Do Ya' and 'Surfer Babe'. "well, we can use all of them, then see where we can go from there I guess. Tom and Danny can give us some suggestions too which will help." I leant back on the sofa, deciding to have a break. Dougie immediately curled up in my arms, following me almost automatically.

"Toms going to be alright, isn't he?" Dougie whispered a few minutes later, gripping my shirt. "what do you mean Dougs?" I asked, running my fingers over Dougies back soothingly. "you know, he'll recover, from the concussion. He won't have brain damage or anything, right?" Dougie answered, chewing on his lip almost viciously. "of course he will Dougs, we're talking about Tom here, of course he'll be alright." Maybe without brain damage, but what about everything else? My head supplied unhelpfully. "are you sure?" Dougie finally looked up at me, giving me such scared eyes, it broke my heart. "yes Dougie, Toms going to be okay. He just needs rest, sleep, love and attention, alright? How many times have I had a concussion, I've been fine each time, haven't I?" I calmed him, used to questions like these whenever something came up. Dougie never believed that someone would be okay unless he could physically see they were okay, or touch them, no-one was hurt if they could hug him and tell him they were okay. I just wished Tom would do that, so Dougie had a little peace of mind, maybe so he could sleep the night through at last.


	105. Chapter 105

**xxPUDDxx - haha, i like to put in a little Pudd goodness every once in a while, it lifts the story a bit ^_^**

206 Dougies POV

Another 2 hours of hugging closely, Tom and Danny finally came downstairs. Tom still looked half asleep and so pale he looked almost dead, nerves radiating from his whole being. Danny on the other hand was relaxed more, and happier, his arm staying protectively around Toms waist, keeping him upright.

"hey, so, what have you two been up to then?" Danny asked, helping Tom lay down on the sofa, sitting so the blondes head was on his lap. "making a set list, nothing much else. And oh, can I have a quick word with you Dan?" Harry carefully lifted me from his lap, setting me back on the sofa, next to Tom. "yeah sure, I'll only be a minute honey." Danny lifted Tom up too, kissing his head gently before laying him back down again. I watched the boys walk off then, and wriggled closer to Tom, putting my hand on his shoulder. I wanted to make sure Tom was okay, and I knew he wouldn't hug me, he barely hugged anyone, but maybe if I put my hands on his shoulder, maybe we could work up to hugging.

"feeling better now?" I asked quietly, smiling a little when I noticed that Tom hadn't changed from his pyjamas yet. He was still in his blue pyjama bottoms with the guitars and music notes, and a long baggy tshirt, that covered his scarred arms. Toms just whimpered a little, covering his head with his hands, blocking out sunlight. I got up and closed the curtains for him, knowing he must be developing another headache. "got another headache, right?" I ran a hand through his hair, wanting nothing more than to cuddle up in Toms comforting arms, tell him it would be okay soon. "it'll be alright, you'll be fine soon." I sighed, needing to get into his arms and give him a hug. It had been 18 months since I had had a proper Tom hug, I missed them so much. I loved hugging Tom, he was so warm and protecting, I felt like a child being hugged by my mum again when we hugged.

Tom groaned this time, wriggling further into the sofa, creating the perfect amount of space in front of him. So, I bit the bullet and crawled onto the sofa, getting Toms hands and pulling them around me, wrapping my own arms around his shoulders, tucking my head under his chin. Now, this is what I called heaven, cuddled up close to my best friend, giving him the love he needed, safe and sound. "ahh, I've missed this, haven't you?" I whispered, ignoring how tense Tom was, I wasn't letting him go. He just wasn't used to this, that was it, he wasn't used to being hugged this closely by anyone other than Danny, and it was about time he had a cuddle with someone else, and this time it was going to be with me.

I felt so much better now actually, after having so many nightmares and things, it felt so good to finally have Tom holding me, if he was touching me, he was safe. That was the way I saw things, if you could hug and say you were okay, then you were actually okay. "you'll be alright Tom, we'll make sure of it. We will make sure no-one ever hurts you ever again." I promised him, knowing that we would protect Tom from anything and everything around us.

207 Dannys POV

Me and Harry discussed a way to get Dougie a hug from Tom, because he was really desperate for one, and Dougies worry for Tom was worrying Harry. It was in Harrys nature to give Dougie everything he wanted, and he would do anything to keep him happy, obviously seeing Dougie have nightmares with worry over Tom killed Harry and he wanted to do anything to stop them. He thought maybe getting them to have a hug would help Dougie, because he liked to physically see and feel that the people he loved the most were okay.

After coming up with a plan, we went back into the front room to find one of the cutest things I have ever seen. Dougie had crawled into Toms arms, and was cuddling into his chest, holding Toms arms around his tiny little waist, with their heads were lent together, like they were going to kiss. Both had their eyes closed, looking the calmest I had seen them in months. "aw, looks like someone can read our minds." Harry leant against the doorframe, smiling at his husband, relaxing a little. "yeah... I want to take a picture." I replied, getting out my phone and taking a picture, unable to help it. Tom just looked so cute cuddled up to little Dougie, making our youngest smile for the first time in so long. Plus, Tom was actually holding someone! He never usually touched anyone, he hated it, I was barely allowed to hold him, Dougie managing this was a miracle, it made me want to cry. And gather Tom up in my arms and squeeze him for being so calm with his arms around the younger blonde, giving him the comfort he needed.

I quickly sent the picture to Harry, before returning to smiling stupidly at the boys, wanting to memorise seeing them so close, because this was a good day for Tom. First he had straightened Carries hair and let her straighten his own, then actually smiled a little and played me a new song, then (admittedly with a struggle) cuddled up with me for a few hours while he slept and was now cuddled up with Dougie! This counted as a very good day for him, and I couldn't help but feel so proud of Tom...it had also been days since Tom had last hurt himself, at least not anywhere visible anyway.

In the end, I had to go over and give Tom a hug, he was too cute looking to not cuddle right now, he looked just like he used to, before he ran away. I found that both him and Dougie had fallen asleep again, and it melted my heart, I loved watching Tom sleep, it was too cute for words. "I can't break them apart, they're too cute and happy." I sighed, sitting next to their heads, stroking Toms hair, needing to touch him somehow. "I know, leave them for a while longer. Doug will sleep properly right now." Harry replied, sitting by the sleeping blondes feet, giving Dougie one of his famous loving looks. "thats good, to finally let him have a good sleep without nightmares." I agreed, falling silent to just watch my little Tommy, who finally looked calm and relaxed while touching someone. I could only hope this would carry on forever, I would love it if it did, but knowing our luck, it wouldn't last for very long at all.


	106. Chapter 106

**xxPUDDxx - hmmm we'll see if it is Tom improving or not... mwhahahaha! xD**

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208 Toms POV

I woke up the next morning in bed, and Dougie wasn't in my arms anymore, it was Danny. I didn't even know what had happened yesterday, all I knew was that Dougie had made me hold him, for whatever reason that was, and I had fallen asleep. Between those two things, I had no idea what else had happened. Maybe I had dreamed it, and I had been in here all day, which I wouldn't have minded to be honest, at least that way I could have been out of the way.

Looking down, I realised that Danny was still sleeping, a small smile on his face, his hands holding on to my shirt tightly. I sighed, I didn't want to stay in bed anymore, we had practise today, I didn't want to be awake and not practising. I knew that my playing skills were awful, so I had to practise as much as possible, so I didn't get kicked out or let anyone down. As carefully as possible, I crawled out of Dannys arms, leaving him sleeping, wrapped in the duvet, hopping through to the wardrobe. It was pretty empty now I had gotten rid of all my tshirts with films/cartoons on, all I had left was a few shirts and a few plain tshirts. I chose a plain white tshirt and my black cardigan, with some baggy jeans, so I could get my cast through the leg.

Then I hopped off to the shower and washed, managing to keep my cast from getting wet somehow. Getting dressed was difficult through my shivers, I had been showering in cold water to make up for not cutting in days, and now been left shivering. I sternly warned myself it was for my own good and to suck it up, today was going to get far worse than this. This was our first practise day for our concert next week, and I knew how bad my playing was, let alone my singing. Fletch was going to go nuts at me, and I wouldn't be surprised if he got Paul to hurt me again. He had already hurt my ankle and caused a few of the many bruises on my body, I dreaded to think what else he would do to me.

I shuddered and carried on pulling up my jeans, covering my bruised legs and the cast, then pulled on my tshirt, hiding my black and blue chest. I had so many bruises all over my body, it scared me, just bumping against something ended up creating a bruise, and if anyone held me too tightly I ended up bruising. I still had bruises from where Danny had held me to the door to try and get me to listen to him, it looked like I had abused, when I actually hadn't been. It was all my own fault, as per usual, it was my own fault. Unless Danny had intentionally held me that tightly, no, surely not, this was Danny, he wouldn't do that, would he? No, of course not, Danny wouldn't do that, he loved me, right?

I slapped myself to stop this stupid thoughts and shoved on the cardigan, hopping back out and into my music room, thankfully not waking up Danny or Carrie. From there, I picked up my guitar and tried to play some songs, starting with 5 Colours, I got it half right, I kept on missing the G. I played it over and over until I got it completely right, if this was how I was going to carry on then we were screwed, I would never be ready in time! It was so hard to concentrate on the chords, so hard to carry on, focusing was so, so difficult, it made my head spin.

"Tommy, why are you in here? When did you get up?" Danny broke my worry, making me jump feet. "I, er, practising!" I stumbled over my words, scrambling to get up, not caring when my head exploded from sudden movement. "but why so early? Its only 7am." Danny yawned, taking my guitar off me. "dunno, couldn't sleep." I shrugged, wanting to go back to practising again, regretting ever starting to spend with everyone. I should have stayed in this room and carried on practising, maybe I would have been half way to good by now. "alright, well, come with me. The guys are arriving in a while, come and eat breakfast with us." Danny started to pull me out of the room, always careful of my leg. "no, I'm gunna stay here, carry on practising, I need it." I let go of his hand, no way was I going near good food while I could be practising, besides, I couldn't eat that anyway, I was waiting for the scraps later on tonight. "alright, but, don't make your fingers bleed again, okay? I'll see you in a while then." Danny sighed, kissing me gently before stumbling downstairs, and I noticed he was still wearing my tshirt.

209 Dannys POV

I didn't want to leave Tom on his own to practise, I wanted him downstairs with me, so I could hold him. I knew that the hugging wouldn't last long, I knew it, I had wanted it to stay a while longer, but my predictions about Tom always seemed to be wrong right now. But, anyway, I sighed and ate my breakfast, before getting showered and dressed again. Tom was still playing once I finished, this time round it was Party Girl. He was note perfect, playing every single chord exactly how we had written it, hell, he was even mouthing along to the words. I came over and sat next to Tom, wanting to be close to him still, I had been looking forward to waking up with Tom in my arms, it had disappointed me to wake up alone.

"so, you excited for the concert next week?" I asked quietly, resting my hand on Toms knee. He didn't seem to mind, just carried on playing. "yeah, it'll be good." He answered simply, not even looking up from his guitar. I could tell by his voice that he wasn't actually looking forward to it, he was dreading it. "you sure? You don't look that enthusiastic, its okay to be scared, there's going to be like, 8000 people, its kinda scary!" I stopped Tom playing by holding his hand, wanting skin on skin contact, so he knew he could talk to me. Toms hand was frighteningly frail, it was so thin and pale, I could see and feel Toms bones, especially his joints. When was the last time Tom had eaten? He was even smaller than when he first came back, how could Tom be like this? I hadn't seen him eat properly in weeks, now that I realised it, how much more weight had he lost?

"I'm not scared, just tired." Tom denied, pulling his hand out from my own, I just gripped tighter. "well then you should have stayed in bed! And if your sure, cause its alright to be scared, you can talk to me if you want. You'll be alright, don't worry." I smiled a little, trying to give him a sense of comfort, "so, how about giving this a break and coming downstairs with me? There's still some bread we can make into toast if you want." I suggested, just wanting to get some food in Tom, realising just how little Tom ate. "no, I like being here. I'm not hungry." Tom shook his head, I hoped this wouldn't turn into another thing like we had a few years ago. It had taken us ages to get Tom anywhere near normal eating habits, I didn't want to go through that again, I hated going through things like that. Stuff like that caused Tom pain and distress, which could lead to him cutting again, I was trying to keep him happy, I didn't want to have to get him in that food fight again.

"you need to have something, or you'll end up with an even worse headache. And you won't be able to concentrate, which won't help." I encouraged, knowing how much Tom hated being unable to concentrate. His head injury wouldn't be helping either, but still, he should have had the best chances of concentration. "fine." Tom growled, I sighed in relief, at least this was something. I helped him up but let Tom use his crutches to swing himself downstairs and into the kitchen, he winced as I put the toast in front of him.


	107. Chapter 107

***tumbleweed* :/**

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210 Toms POV

I held back a loud whimper as the toast was put in front of me, it looked so tempting, but I couldn't! I couldn't go near that, how could I go near that? It was so nice and good, how could something like me eat that? I didn't deserve it, I had done nothing to deserve eating this! But I needed it, so my headache didn't get worse, and so I could concentrate better, which I needed the most, my head was having a war with itself already, I wanted to cry. "come on, eat up before it gets cold." Danny encouraged, running his hands through my hair.

"I, er, I'm not hungry." I shook my head, looking away from the toast and Danny, I couldn't do this. "you said that earlier, but you need it. You'll thank me later." Danny pushed the plate closer, the smell hitting my nose. I could smell the butter and the marmite, it smelled so good! But no, I had eaten last night, I wouldn't eat anymore until this evening, when there were more scraps. Last nights pizza crusts would be enough for today, I was sure, they would keep me going, right? "no, I've already had something, I-I don't need anymore." I managed to get up, standing on my own two feet, not paying attention to the throbbing in my leg. It was finally calming down now, but it still hurt just enough to be able keep my need for self harm away. "you sure? Look, do you want me to turn around or something? Will that make it easier?" Danny held onto my hands, his own soft and warm against my cold and unworthy hands. I nodded slowly and took my hands away from his, feeling unworthy of holding his hands, wondering if I could get away with hiding it somewhere.

But luckily, I didn't have to think about that, because as soon as Danny finished walking out, the door opened, revealing Harry and Dougie. "right, whose ready for some rehearsals?" Fletch followed them inside, rubbing his hands together. "er, yeah, I guess." I shrugged, grabbing my crutches. "yeah, we're ready." Danny nodded, coming back inside, grabbing my guitar case as well as his own, dumping them in the minivan before getting in next to me. "so are we feeling better today?" Fletch asked me condescendingly, giving me a look with the same sort of tone. "yeah, loads." I sighed, just to keep him happy. My heart was still pounding at the thought that I almost had to eat something then, and that I was going to be shouted at even more now that we were going to be practising and I wasn't very good. "good, now do we have a set list or do we have to sort that out too?" Fletch turned to everyone now, stopping with the condescending.

"we have half of one we think, we have a few ideas at the least." Harry answered, giving Dougie a beaming smile, Dougie blushed. "well, there's a start, now we must have this sorted by the end of today, alright? Then we can start practising, and then maybe we might be ready for the concert." Fletch sighed, rubbing his temples in worry. "yeah, we will, don't worry." Danny nodded, holding my hand gently, refusing to let me go, no matter how much I tugged at my hand.

All too quickly, we arrived at the studio, and were starting to get a set list going. We had 15 songs in the list, most of which were from our older albums, and a few from our newer ones we had just written. Then, we started playing, and it was all going well until we got to my parts where I had to sing. I was all over the place, singing out of tune, the wrong lyrics, coming in at the wrong place. "Tom, will you concentrate! You're messing this up!" Fletch shouted at me half way through Star Girl. "I-I'm sorry, I'm trying." I stuttered, feeling my arms itch. "well try harder." Fletch growled, before answering the phone as it started to ring.

"I'm sorry." I felt my bottom lip quivering, it just hurt. The noise caused by Harrys drums thumped in my head every single time he hit something, making my headache worse, I felt sick and dizzy too, my fingers were stumbling over the chords, I couldn't concentrate on anything. I felt so pathetic, so useless, I wanted to cut, badly. "wanna take a break honey? Rest your head a little?" Danny asked, running a hand over my arm. "no, I'm fine. I can carry on." I shook my head, I had to carry on, I had to be perfect, I wouldn't be perfect if I took breaks every time I did something wrong. "you sure? Cause we won't mind, we could all actually do with a break." Harry stood up, shoved his drum sticks in his pockets and grabbed Dougies hand. "no, I don't need any time. You can break, I'm gunna carry on, I need it." I couldn't even look up anymore, I was just staring at their feet, concentrating on the boys trainers. Dougie had on blue Vans, Harry had white DC trainers, and Danny had black boots. "alright then, we'll have lunch break then. See you in about half an hour?" Danny gave in, kissing my head and ruffling my hair, and walked out. I waited for everyone to leave, before I started to cry, trying to carry on playing. I failed even more than I already was, feeling so worthless I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

211 Harrys POV

Danny sat and worried the whole way through lunch, he was actually shaking, not able to eat. He was so worried, he didn't want to leave Tom on his own at all. "I can't leave him, not for long. He'll do something!" Danny rocked back and forth on his chair, whimpering loudly. "Dan, we don't know that. Tom could be just fine, sitting calmly and practising!" I tried to come up with something reasonable to calm Danny down, it didn't work. "its Tom we're on about here! He won't be fine, he's never fine! You didn't see, you didn't see his lip wobbling, he's gunna cry at the least! Its not his fault he's having problems singing, he can't concentrate with his headache! Its Fletchs fault for shouting at him!" Danny tugged at his hair viciously, I could see this spiralling down hill so quickly from here.

"Danny, if you're really that worried, go back. Go talk to Tom, make him feel better, encourage him a little. I'm sure you'll be able to give him some support." I suggested, Danny ran back to the studio before I had even finished. "Harry, how do we know Toms going to be okay?" Dougie whispered, a very worrying shade of pale. "I don't, but we can hope, can't we? There's nothing much in that room that Tom can hurt himself with, is there? He'll most probably be fine, and if not, we can take him home and calm him down. Maybe prepare him a little for the stress, and decide whether we can do this concert or not. Thats all we can do really." I held onto his hand and kissed his hair. "okay, but how do we do that?" Dougie asked, gripping onto my arms. "erm, I don't actually know, but we'll come up with something, alright? Now how about going back to see if we can help before more panic rises." I got up and helped Dougie up, keeping my arm firmly around Dougies small waist the whole way back to the studio.

What we found wasn't really too bad to be honest. Tom and Danny were sat on the sofa Tom had been sitting on, Dannys arms around his shaking shoulders. There were barely concealed tears on Toms face, but he was holding them in at the moment, I felt so sorry for him. He was trying his hardest, only to have Fletch shout at him constantly, like nothing had happened this year and Tom had just suddenly forgotten everything. "don't listen to Fletch baby, he's being an ar*ehole, he doesn't know what he's on about." Danny whispered gently, slipping his hand into Toms, stopping him from trying to carry on playing. Tom had been trying to play still, but had failed, his shaking hands unable to stay on the chords. "Fletch doesn't understand whats up right now, ignore him. We've got a week, it'll be alright." I bent to Toms level, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"he's right, I'm sorry, I'll try harder." Tom whispered, wiping his eyes. "you don't have to try harder, you're doing the best you can, you can't do anymore than that. We don't blame you at all, we understand how hard it is to concentrate with a concussion, especially after it being so long since we've played these songs as a band." Danny shook his head, trying to squeeze Toms shoulders more, it wasn't happening. Tom wouldn't let him pull his body closer, just continued to sniff back tears, staring at our shoes, he wouldn't even look up anymore.


	108. Chapter 108

**Okay, adding again, but this will be the last time unless I get at least one comment on this fic. I know that you are all probably busy people and everything, but it literally takes two seconds to right a few words and click 'reply' after finishing reading a chapter. And I know that there are people reading this fic, the view count says that 17 different people are reading it, and I'm sure at least a few of you have accounts to comment through. And if not, you can tweet me corruptedpov or writeabledreams, or leave me a message in my tumblr ask box - mcflycorruptedmypov. Personally, I love knowing what the people reading this fic are thinking about it, and all types of comments are welcome, whether they be positive or negative, I love to know what you're thinking about it. I love to know where you think I'm going wrong, or if you think I can improve upon things, because I want to know this so I can improve upon it. So please, just comment, it takes literally a second to do it, and if I don't get any more, then I'll stop posting all together. I'm sorry for the rant before the add, but it just gets to me, and I know that other writers in this fandom feel the same way. **

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212 Dougies POV

I wriggled so I was between the sofa and Harry, holding Toms hand that Danny wasn't holding, trying to comfort him. "we all sound sh*t right now, we'll get better together, I promise." Was all I could say, I didn't know what else to say. Tom really wasn't that bad right now, sure he missed his cue a few times, and got a few words mixed up, but with his head injury and lack of food or sleep he was doing so well, I hadn't expected him to be this good. He was doing so well, why couldn't he see that?

"exactly, its been 18 months Tom, we haven't played these songs in 18 months, we can't be perfect straight away, can we? But thats why we're practising, so we're back to our normal selves. Don't be upset about not being as good as normal right now, its not your fault, we'll get better." Danny whispered, kissing Toms hair, squeezing the hand he was holding. "you sure you don't want a break now? To calm down, and rest." I suggested, wanting Tom to have a break, so he could calm down and stop crying. "no, I'm fine. I'm going to go and practise by myself, get it all right." Tom stood up and managed to walk out, without his crutches, without hopping. He just limped a bit, I didn't know whether or not to think it was good or not. "should we follow?" I asked, leaning back into Harrys arms for comfort, feeling him pull my hands away from my headband.

"we should, just to make sure there's no sharp objects, and his leg doesn't hurt from walking." Danny answered, standing up and following Toms footsteps out into another spare room. Though it was barely a room, it was more a closet, with just a chair in there. "go away." Tom whimpered the second we appeared in the door. "just making sure you're okay mate. Didn't that walking just hurt your leg?" Harry covered, holding me close to his chest so I knew he was there, because I was starting to really worry. Surely Tom would have gone into another studio, not just a little cupboard, surely, but he wasn't thinking straight...he wasn't ready for this show, or any of this! Why were we making him do this? Or was he making us? I didn't know and I was panicking on the inside because of it, I just wanted Tom to be okay, not like this, not so easily upset, not so ill.

"no, I'm fine. Didn't hurt at all." Tom shook his head, plucking at the strings on his guitar, he was playing 'I'll Be Okay'. "well, alright. We'll be in the other room if you want us, see you later I guess." Danny turned away and walked back to our studio. "he'll be alright Dan, he just needs time." Harry encouraged, pulling me closer to his body then walking us forward towards Danny on the sofa. "I know, I just want him to be okay, not so hard on himself. Its not his fault, its been over a year, there's no way he would be as good as normal straight off." Danny sniffed, pulling at his sleeves, scratching his arms. "yeah, but Tom has a concussion, he'll be easily upset, and have a hard time concentrating. It'll clear up soon, along with the headaches and nausea." Harry sat down, pulling me onto his lap, putting his hand on Dannys shoulder. "I hope so, I just need Tom to be okay, he's destroying himself with guilt. He's a beautiful boy, with so much talent, he just needs to know that." Danny whimpered, wiping at his eyes.

"I know Dan, we'll help him understand that, don't worry. It'll take time, and we might have to get him professional help, but we'll help him, alright?" Harry pulled Danny into both of our arms, squeezing him close for comfort. "he's such a beautiful disaster, I just want him to be beautiful." Danny grabbed hold of both of our shirts, nuzzling into our arms. "we'll make him beautiful, even more beautiful than he already is, promise."

213 Toms POV

I bit back tears and carried on playing, blasting our songs through my ipod into my ears, so I knew when I had to come in. I still didn't get it right, it all went so wrong, I still sang the wrong words, still came in at the wrong time, it was still a train wreck. How could I possibly go on stage in a weeks time when I was this awful? I couldn't, I would destroy this concert, it would be our worst concert ever, and it would be all my fault.

"just try a little harder, try your best to make it through the day, just tell yourself, I'll...be...okay." I trailed off into tears, unable to help it, I was useless. This whole thing was useless, I couldn't do this, there was no way I could do this, I was so stupid, I couldn't handle it. I wasn't going to be ready in a week, I would ruin this concert, ruin our whole careers, everyone was going to hate me. I needed more time, I needed a year or more to get this right, but I couldn't back out now, that really would let everyone down. Fletch was already so angry at me, he hated me so much right now, I couldn't go and make this any worse by backing out like a wimp. I dreaded to think how angry he was going to be by the end of the concert though, he was going to want to kill me, for being so bad and useless, he probably would kill me actually. I hoped it would be slow and painful as punishment, dying wouldn't be enough, slow and painful might have been.

I forced myself from thinking and carried on playing, trying to at least get the chords right, I was wasting time crying and feeling sorry for myself. I had 7 days to get this right, which meant 168 hours, if I practised for most of them, maybe I could have gotten something right. With that thinking, I absorbed myself in playing, not realising how much time had passed in this little cupboard I was hiding in.

"Tommy, honey, we're going home now, its 9 in the evening. Are you coming with us?" Danny broke me from playing by shaking my shoulder. I gave a little scream and leapt feet, I hadn't even noticed someone moving in here. "n-no, I'm staying. I need to practise." I shook my head and forced my pounding heart to slow down. "baby, you have to come home with us now, its home time. You can't stay here all night. We're coming back tomorrow to practise." Danny was using that tone that put my teeth on edge, the one that implied I was a baby, who had to be told what to do because I was stupid. He was even calling me baby, rubbing it in that I was weak and pathetic. "but I wanna stay." I argued, I needed to stay and get this right, I needed somewhere where people wouldn't hear me, at home, I would be heard. "I know you do, but you can't. You've got to come home, you're not allowed to stay, no matter how keen you are on getting this right." Danny sighed, taking my guitar off me and leading me forcefully to the car. I got in reluctantly, carrying on practising by playing the chords guitar-less. I was doing the motions, just without the guitar, I think I got them right, at least I hoped I did.

"Tom stop staring into space and get out of the car!" Fletch made me jump suddenly, I realised I had been daydreaming and we were home. "oh, I, er, sorry." I hurried out, wincing as my leg flared up in pain at the jostling. Walking on it had been agony, but I had just needed to get out of that studio, walking had been the best option at the time, I didn't regret it. "whatever, good practise boys, you three sounded pretty good, Tom, please try to get this right. We need this gig, and you're not helping by running away every time something goes wrong." Fletch glared, getting back in the car again and driving off.

"b*stard...d*ckhead...w*nker." I heard Danny, Harry and Dougie say in turn, glaring right back at the disappearing car. "don't listen to him Tom, he's being mean just for the sake of it." Harry wound his arms around me and Dougie, squeezing us both. "yeah, I know." I lied, knowing that it was true. I was attracting more attention to myself like the drama queen I was because I was going wrong, just to gain sympathy. I didn't even realise I was doing it, at the time I just thought doing whatever it was, was a good idea at the time. "well, I say we head back to ours and have a few relaxing drinks while taking the p*ss out of Fletch to cheer ourselves up, whose in?" Dougie suggested, getting agreements from the other two. "gunna come with us Tommy?" Danny asked, slipping his arm around my middle too. "no, I'm going to practise some more then go to bed, Danny, don't come round tonight, I want to be on my own." I shook my head and hopped on my crutches into my house, thanking god Carrie was also staying at her boyfriends tonight, so I could be on my own to practise and let out this feeling of worthlessness.


	109. Chapter 109

**xxPUDDxx - ah i understand that, i've got 5 a level exams coming up soon as well that i'm procrasting revising for! and thank you, i'm sorry its a bit repetitive at this moment, but i promise in a few adds his behaviour is going to change a bit! and thats awesome, do you think you'll start writing yourself? this comm is in serious need of new writers! :D**

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214 Dannys POV

That night, I sat in bed and worried. Tom seemed worse than ever, and it didn't seem he would be getting better any time soon. He was slowly tearing himself apart with guilt and the feeling that he wasn't good enough to do anything, when really, Tom was so talented, so special, there wasn't a thing he had done wrong in weeks. I couldn't believe how little Tom thought of his musical talent, he had always thought he wasn't as good as everyone said he was, but he had never been this bad before. I just wanted to bundle him up and hold him until he realised he was beautiful and talented, it killed me to think I couldn't, it would make Tom worse, so I couldn't hold him anymore.

All I ever wanted was to stop Tom being so downhearted about his appearance, so he had confidence and could actually smile for once. I missed his smile, and his laugh, and his jokes, and everything that made Tom, Tom. I felt useless because I couldn't help him right now, and Tom wouldn't let me help him either, I just wanted to help him, make him happy and normal again. But it seemed impossible, Tom would most probably need professional help, and I would have already sent him somewhere that could help him, but I was scared of what they would say about him. Would they class him as crazy? Or would they say he was so ill he wouldn't be allowed back out again? Or would they see my arms too and keep me in some sort of therapy too? I didn't want any therapy either, I was fine, I was working through my problems by myself, I didn't need any help.

I was up all night worrying, I just wanted to stop worrying, I would only ever manage that when Tom was laying next to me, sleeping, or talking with me with a smile on his face. It destroyed my heart to see Tom look so sad constantly, think so little of himself, knowing he didn't care about his life. I knew he still didn't care about whether or not he lived or died, and at the moment, it scared me so much with his current state, I just hoped that he wouldn't try and kill himself tonight, and that Carrie would keep a close eye on him.

In the end, I was so in need of rest I ended up taking a sleeping pill, just so I could relax and sleep for a few hours to calm myself down. It was a nice sleep for a few hours, all the way round to 10am, when there was loud knocking on the door. "huh, what?" I groaned, sitting up in bed as the door opened and Harry ran in. "dude do you ever answer your door?" he shouted, looking pale and panicked. "er, sorry I just woke up. I had a sleeping pill, I couldn't sleep last night." I explained, crawling out of bed and squinting at the sunlight. "oh, right, well none of us have really slept I don't think. Even wearing Toms tshirt, your bracelet and having my arms around him, Dougie couldn't sleep for hours. He dropped off around 2am, and got barely any sleep then, was tossing and turning all night." Harry sighed, sitting next to me. "where is Dougie anyway?" I asked, rubbing my eyes to get rid of sleep. "he's in the car, with Tom. We woke him up first then I came over here, Dougs making sure Fletch doesn't give Tom a hard time." Harry explained, sighing loudly. "alright. So, where was Tom when you woke him up? I'm guessing not in bed." I got up and started getting ready, used to having conversations with my band mates no matter what state of undress I was in. "no, he was sleeping in his music room, the guitar still in his arms. Toms really trying with this one isn't he?" Harry made me nod. "yeah just a little too hard." I agreed, knowing Tom would overwork himself on this, I just hoped he wouldn't crash and burn because of it.

215 Dougies POV

It was so awkward to be sitting in the minivan, Fletch was glaring out of the window, Tommy was tapping the wheel trying to ignore the tension and Tom was sitting next to me, staring out of the window, air guitaring along to whatever was playing on his iPod. Knowing him at the moment, it was probably one of our songs so he could get some practise in. Tom was literally obsessed with playing at the moment, I could see how bruised his fingers were getting already, he wouldn't have anything but bone left at this rate. No-one in the car was talking, the silence was suffocating, I almost could feel my lungs closing off at the tension in the car.

"hiya, I'm back with Bolton." Thankfully, Harry climbed into the car, gently kissing my cheek and getting in the front. Me and Tom had already holed ourselves up right at the back of the car, as far away from Fletch as possible. "hey, sorry, I overslept!" Danny smiled tiredly and got in too, ruffling Toms hair as he got in. Tom whimpered. "alright, hurry up and get in, we need to get going." Fletchs voice wasn't half the growl it was when he talked to Tom, he obviously really, really hated Tom for some reason. Surely just running away would make him so hateful towards Tom? Surely he couldn't be that bitter about it!

The car drove off and I thought of all the reasons why Fletch could possibly hate Tom, the only one I could think of was running away, but I had never thought that Fletch would be so annoyed by something like that, didn't he know that Tom hadn't really meant it because he was ill at the time...and still was now? I wished he would lighten up a little, so he could stop killing Toms already fragile mind, the press was capable of doing that all by themselves.

Today went just as well as yesterday, we managed to play through the whole set list 3 times, sounding near enough like normal. There was a few mistakes, but on the whole, we managed pretty well. None of the mistake were made by Tom either, he was chord and note perfect, he came in at the right time, sang all the right words, hit every note he needed to, just like he had yesterday. I didn't see how he could think he wasn't that good, that he was failing on this, he was doing perfectly well right now. At this rate, he would play an amazing show, without a thing going wrong at all, I couldn't see how he didn't see that.

"great run through guys, I'm taking a break, anyone coming with?" Harry asked, jumping up and wrapping me into his arms, sensing how worried I was for Tom, he looked like he wanted to cry. I think he thought he was going wrong still, when really he was playing perfectly, he could have probably taken the week off and still sound even better than the three of us did. "yeah, I'll come with, Dan, you joining us?" I wriggled closer to Harry, so close I could almost feel his abs against my skinny frame. "yeah, I'll come with you, Tom, are you coming with us too?" Danny nodded, holding out his hand for Tom to take. "no, I'm staying here, practising some more." Tom shook his head, pulling his beanie further down his head, hiding almost all of his hair. "you deserve a break Tom, you've been working your arse off for the past 5 hours, you need to have a rest." Danny sighed, bending to Toms level to brush the hair from his eyes and hold his hand, a sign that he was there, and would be there forever if thats what Tom needed.


	110. Chapter 110

**xxPUDDxx - you totally should! its great fun! :D**

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - thank you so much! i'm really glad you're enjoying it! :D**

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216 Harrys POV

"I don't need a rest right now, I'm fine." Tom shook his head again, looking away from Danny, towards the corner of the room again. I guessed he wished he was there instead of here, in all of our views, the centre of attention. "you need to rest baby, you'll give yourself a bad headache again, or you'll feel sick. Just come with us, its only a 20 minute break, thats all, that won't hurt one bit after almost 36 hours of practise you've already done." Danny pulled Toms face back to his own, using the soft and encouraging tone that whispered safety and protection. "you'll still sound brilliant after, just come with us, please." Dougie pleaded, squeezing my arms around him tight for comfort.

"fine, 20 minutes, thats it." Tom thankfully gave in, carefully standing up and pulling his beanie even further down his head. "yeah 20 minutes, thats all we're asking." Danny grinned, handing the blonde his crutches with a kiss to his cheek. We all shuffled out to the canteen area, buying some snacks to eat while we were relaxing. Well, trying to relax anyway, it was still tense in here, trying to find something to talk about that wouldn't make an already nervous and jumpy Tom worse. He did look awful though, pasty white, shaky, hunched over his own knees, eyes fixed to the table, where only a bottle of water sat in front of him. No food, just a bottle of a water, that was completely untouched.

"Tom, relax a little, please. Have a drink, you'll feel better." Danny sighed, running his fingers over the back of Toms head, playing with the hair that was visible from the beanie. "not thirsty." Tom whispered, shaking his head clear of Dannys hand. "still, have a drink, you've been singing for hours, you'll go croaky." Danny insisted, opening the bottle and handing it to Tom, who thankfully took a sip. Toms hands were shaking so much I was worried he would drop the bottle, luckily he put it down, then continued to look at his feet, fiddling with his fringe until it was covering his face as much as possible.

"hey boys, everything going well in the studio?" Darren came up and sat down next to me and Dougie (he had climbed onto my lap for a cuddle, he looked so worried for Tom) "yeah, sounding good. We'll be ready by concert day." Danny smiled, putting his hand back onto Toms shoulder, steadying his shaking a little. "well thats good, I'll be going to the gig, with Fletch, Tommy and Richard. I think as well we have a few of your family turning up too, though I'm not sure on that one." Darren explained, nicking a crisp out of the packet me and Dougie were sharing.

"George, my aunt and uncle are going!" Dougie piped up, he always did when mentioning his favourite cousin, who came to at least 1 concert every tour. "yep, and Carrie and Vicky are coming too." Danny joined in, perking up a little more too. He had told me he had missed Vicky a lot, and he was looking forward to seeing her at this concert. I could only hope that we would make it to the concert now, seeing how badly Tom was shaking right now, and we were nowhere near a huge crowd.

217 Toms POV

The next week went by in a flash, because I spent so much time playing I lost track of what day it was. So before I knew it, it was Saturday, concert day. Oh sh*t. I was dreading this, my head pounded and made me feel dizzy just hearing Harry drumming, what would hearing 8000 people screaming do? I needed to get through this concert, I had to, I couldn't let people down, I had to get through this gig.

I made it through sound check, barely, the lights stung my eyes and the noise was incredible already! What was I going to do now? "Tom, you feeling alright?" Danny suddenly appeared at my side, resting his hand on my shoulder. "y-yeah, fine. Just a little dizzy is all." I half lied, shrugging out of his hold, focusing on walking in a straight line back to my dressing room. I had been given my own again, so I could have a 'relaxing place' to myself, basically that was a nice way to say I wasn't wanted in everyone elses dressing room. Why would they want to see my disgusting face when they could be on their own...having their three way relationship without worrying about me seeing it. I knew it still went on behind my back, and I tried to make it seem like I didn't care and didn't know, but it still stung to know that it still was happening behind my back. "you sure? You look ill." Danny followed me into my room, standing in the doorway. "I'm alright, stop worrying okay?" I insisted, I really was okay, I didn't need any help, at all, I was fine. "alright, but, you can talk to me if you need to, and have a break during the gig. I'm sure the crowd won't mind, and we won't either." Danny lied, the crowd would actually hate me if I took a break, mid gig. Let alone our management, they would probably want to kill me. Then the press would rip me to shreds again and I couldn't take yet another shredding from them. "I'll be fine Danny, now leave me alone." I growled, sometimes having him as a boyfriend was incredible, but his caring side was just too far, I did not need Danny constantly fluttering around me, making sure I was alright constantly.

"alright, I'll call you when dinners ready then...you can come into our dressing room too you know. Carrie, Vicky, George and the others are turning up in a minute, its gunna be like a party, its for you too so you can join us." Danny sighed, just as there were squeals from two high pitched voices of 'DOUGIE' and 'GEORGE' so obviously George had arrived and seen his cousin. "yeah, I know. I'm having a lay down right now, I might join you later." I lied, I wasn't ever joining them. I would spoil the whole thing for them, so I wasn't even going to try going in. "alright, please do, it won't be a party without you. Now I better go to see Vicky and everyone, please come in later, Vicky has missed you too. And so has everyone else." Danny gently kissed my forehead and went off again, leaving me on my own in my dressing room, in silence.

I hung around for a while, playing the acoustic guitar in the room, practising some more, trying to be quiet as to not to disturb everyone in the room opposite. I could them laughing and talking, there was music playing too, it sounded like a real party, just like it used to before shows. It was always a party before a show, so we all got in the mood for go out for a good show. To me, it was strange to be in here, all by myself, no music, no-one to talk to, nothing. "Go in, it'll be fun." A voice said inside my head, I was tempted to listen to it. "don't go in, you'll ruin it for everyone, they're having fun, you ruin everything. Stay and practise, let them have fun and be that threesome they are, because they hate you." Another warned, I listened to that one, that one made more sense. This was the big come back show, and if I went into that party, I would ruin the atmosphere, messing up that now would mess everyone up at the show and it would all go wrong from there. I had to stay right here, in my own little room, out of everyones way, so they had a good show. Maybe their playing would cover up how bad I was, I hoped it would.

"Tom, are you joining us anytime soon?" Carries head came through the door, looking hopeful. "no, I'm staying here. Gotta practise some more." I shook my head, indicating the guitar. "you've practised your arse off all week, you deserve a break that isn't sleeping. Come on, Dannys missing you, in fact everyone is." Carrie held out her hand, why was she trying to ruin the show?! "I don't feel like partying." I whispered, hearing more voices hissing at me to "stay right there, don't you ever dare try and ruin it for everyone."

"I don't care, get in here, have some fun. Its the big concert day! Its a good day, and you deserve to be happy too! You can't spend the next 3 hours in here, come with me and join in." Carrie came in and literally dragged me into the other room, where everyone cheered. "at last! He's arrived!" Vicky joked, though I swear she was hiding her disgust through her jokes. "Tom! Yay the captains here!" George ran over and hugged my legs, so childlike and innocent. "I'm not the captain, Dougie is." I bent to his level, feeling everyones eyes on me, warning me against horrifying the child with just being me. "but you're older, and Harry said you're the captain of the ship! So you have to be the captain!" George looked confused. "well, I'm giving up being the captain, you can be the captain instead. You'll take good care of the ship, won't you?" I played along a little, not wanting to upset him either, I just couldn't bring myself to play the pirate games like usual. And I wasn't really the captain of the 'ship' either, if I ever was, Fletch was the captain, I just followed orders and used to think I was in charge. "yay! I'll take good care of the ship don't worry! Dougie, Tom made me captain of the ship!" George jumped a foot in the air and ran to Dougie, getting caught up in the bassists tattooed arms, laughing. I just wished I could be like that, but I couldn't, I wasn't capable of being happy, or carefree or anything. I was about to ruin a show intentionally and no-one was stopping me, the guilt was already there before we even got on stage, all I could do was try and hide in the background and hope to god the guys would ignore me.


	111. Chapter 111

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender -hmm, we shall see xD**

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218 Dannys POV

Tom stayed sat on the floor even after George ran back to Dougie and Harry, he was practically sitting under the table, keeping his leg tucked under it awkwardly. He looked so pale and ill, and maybe even guilty, even a little bit scared. It worried me how his skin was almost see through, his clothes hanging off him, his shaking fingers fiddling constantly with his hair and touching his face, like he was checking that he was still all there. Carrie was sat with him, almost under the table too, gently talking to her brother like it would help calm him.

"he's really changed, hasn't he?" Vicky asked, noticing me constantly looking over at Tom, waiting and hoping for a smile, an indication that Tom actually wanted to be here, not crawl underground and never ever come back out again. "yeah, a lot. Still sounds amazing, but he's just so, well...like that." I sighed, wanting to just run over and bundle Tom into my arms, and never let him go ever again. I didn't want to do this concert either now, because of how scared I knew Tom was, he was so scared of failing, even though he sounded perfect. But Fletch would kill me if I said I didn't want to do it, and Tom would probably never forgive me either, he had put in so much work into this, he would never forgive me for cancelling.

"lets hope this concert makes him a little better then." Vicky sounded like she didn't even mean that, that she knew it wouldn't help. "yeah, lets hope so." I sighed again, tearing my eyes away to watch Harry and Dougie launch a tickle assault on little George, making the boy scream with delight, at least 3 people were happy in here.

Time past quickly then, and soon it was time to get ready, and send our families to their seats. George insisted on hugging all of us good luck before he went, giving Tom possibly the longest one, telling him to smile because he would always be a pirate captain. That actually almost broke my heart, because even a 5 year old could see that there was something wrong with Tom and wanted him to cheer up. "we'll cheer Tom up, don't worry Georgie. Now run along to your seat, the shows gunna start soon!" Dougie managed a laugh, tears welling up in his eyes too, hugging the little boy close before sending him off to his parents who were waiting by the door.

"I'm gunna go get ready." Tom then hurried off before I could say anything to him, seemingly not even caring about his leg at all. "come on guys, we've got to get ready now." Harry squeezed Dougie close, keeping the guy he called his little boy from crying. Dougie clung to Harry all the way to the wardrobe, gripping onto his shirt, the tears clearly being fought back, his breathing starting heave like it did just before he fainted. "shh Doug, shhh. Toms going to be okay, he'll be alright. He's nervous, like we all are. Shhh." Harry whispered gently, stroking the blondes hair, holding him so close he was almost a second skin. "Tom will be alright Doug, he always is, he'll be alright now, I know he will be." I joined in, lying a bit. I didn't know whether or not Tom would be alright, I was just hoping he would be, he probably wouldn't be, but all I could do was hope.

219 Toms POV

I tried to ignore the feeling of guilt and pure fear rising up inside me right now, but it wasn't working, I wanted to run away from here, far away. Or crawl in a hole underground and never come back out again. What if I messed up completely? What if I fainted, I hadn't eaten last night, or this morning, what if I fainted in the middle of the set? I would never claw back any respect or anything! It would be over, but I had to go, or I was going to let everyone down. And I had to do as George said, smile and be happy, but how did I smile again? It had been so long since I had last smiled I had completely forgotten how to do it! I tried practising in the mirror, but I looked like a freak show, my stupid dimple poked into my cheek, making me look ridiculous, I couldn't smile without looking like a freak, and not even make up could cover that one up!

But, I tried anyway, putting on make up to make myself look less deformed, just like Mellissa did for TV shows, then I made sure I covered my scars in make up too, and the bruises that could accidently be shown by a moving tshirt. I had already changed my into my show outfit, baggy light blue trousers, Vans, a long sleeve white tshirt and my black shirt. At least that didn't look too bad, not like I was trying to be 15 again, unlike my hair. I had straightened it and placed it so it covered a bit of my eyes, and a part of my face. Looking in the full length mirror I couldn't decide whether or not this was good enough, or if I could fry wearing it, or if I looked stupid. It covered my cast well enough, and you couldn't see my scars, or my bruises, so I guessed it was alright.

"Tom are you ready yet?" Fletch burst into the room, scaring me. "I, er, yeah. I'm ready." I nodded, looking away from him, my hair moved...d*mn, hadn't thought of that. "good, the others are too, get moving." Fletch grabbed my arm and pulled me out, seemingly not caring about my still cast covered leg. It was painful to walk on it still, but it wasn't too bad, it was like cutting, a pain that wasn't too bad, it was tolerable.

"ready?" Danny asked as I came up, looking beautiful. Danny had dressed in his black skinny jeans, a white tshirt and a black shirt too, covering his scars with a cloth bracelet and a few actual bracelets too. He looked beautiful, his outfit was like mine, but he pulled it off ten times better than I ever could. "yeah, as I'll ever be." I nodded dutifully, grabbing my red and white flying V guitar and putting it over my neck, reluctantly letting Neil fiddle with the strap and making sure it was all still in order. "good, well, break a leg, not literally though, already got that." Danny laughed a little, kissing my cheek gently. Thankfully he didn't mention the make up cause we all wore make up on stage anyway. "show time boys, good luck!" Tommy smiled, as the lights went down and the screaming started.

We walked out and the screaming got even louder, it was already hurting my ears, even without the music. But I ignored it, focusing on my guitar, and getting this right. There were 8000 people here, they wanted a good show, and they were going to get it. So, I played, the whole set list, all 15 songs in order, I played my guitar (badly), I sang (out of tune, and the wrong lyrics, not that anyone seemed to notice) from Party Girl, all the way to Shine A Light. And the crowd sang along too, screaming and jumping like any crowd would, like they were actually enjoying the show, not noticing how little I was moving and how badly I was playing.

We even managed a bit of on stage banter, and a bit of playing about. During Room On The Third Floor, Danny came over to me to share my microphone, grinning at me. It was the biggest smile I had seen on him in a while, it made me want to smile too, and before I realised it, I was smiling, looking right into Dannys eyes, for the first time in almost 2 years. I was actually looking into someones eyes, and who better to look at? Light blue pools of perfection, usually surrounded by thousands of freckles, but covered by make up today. I think I leant a little closer, but I couldn't tell because Danny then ran away, and didn't come back until the next solo. It saddened me but I ignored that too, we had gotten too close for proper concentration, nothing to worry about, we couldn't ruin a good show because of something like that, could we?

"Dougie, would you like to introduce the next song for us?" Danny grinned, thoroughly hyper. "alright, I will, but first can I get a hell yeah?" Dougie shouted, the crowd repeated, "can I get a halleluiah?" again, the crowd shouted back the repeat, "very good, you guys are good. But can you copy this one? TomisthesexistpersoneverandDannywantstomakelovetoh imrightnow!" Dougie shouted, and the crowd struggled, but repeated. "very good guys! I would have made you repeat until you got it right, but you managed it first time! First time a crowds ever done that!" Dougie laughed again, reminding me of a small boy again. He was so happy on stage, I knew this was the right idea, to go straight back to the band, just to see that happy smile on his face, and the smile Harry was giving him from his drum kit.

"suppose we better get on with this song then shouldn't we? This song was written by our very own Mr Thomas Fletcher all the way over there." Dougie pointed to me, the screaming went up a notch, "he started writing this about the band...but then thought it would be cooler to make it about himself and Dannys relationship. Cause you see, they love each other very much, more than you know." Dougie laughed, and again, the screaming went up even further, "so, could you give a round of applause to Mr Fletcher over there? For writing the best songs ever." Dougie got what he wanted, I blushed madly _they're only clapping because Dougs told them to, they don't actually like you_ an unhelpful voice ruined it, I bit back the self conscious side of my brain, just to make it through the gig, only 2 more songs, I could make that. "and for being the best friend and band mate I could ever have. I love you Tom." Danny turned to me, making me blush even more. "I love you too Danny." I whispered, and I think the screams from the crowd actually went 1 step above deafening.

"can I get a kiss then?" Danny teased, okay, the screaming was now defiantly above deafening level. "I can't walk over." I looked at the cast poking out of my trousers, then saw Converse clad feet in front of me. "you didn't have to." Dannys hands fell on my arms, making me look up at him. "kiss him! Go on, we're all waiting!" Dougie encouraged, practically jumping up and down in boyish excitement, so I did, I kissed Danny on the cheek, remembering that we weren't supposed to be together. The public didn't know about us, so I couldn't out and out kiss him. "aw, well without further ado, this song is THE HEART NEVER LIES!"


	112. Chapter 112

**xxPUDDxx - Tom may be getting better, or the stage could just be affecting him ^_^**

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - it could be progress, possibly...**

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220 Dougies POV

Danny ran back to his stand from Toms, sending me the biggest grin he had used in almost 2 years. I smiled back at him, then looking over to Tom, who started singing, he sounded just like always, absolutely perfect. He still looked perfect too, a little ruffled and sweaty after an hour and a half on a hot stage under the lights. His jeans basically covered the cast, apart from his foot, and his tshirt and shirt covered just how small he was, and the scars covering the pale arms. Nobody would have suspected a thing, even I had a hard time believing that there was something wrong with Tom right now, thats how good his clothes and his smile were covering up his strange recent behaviour.

The song was going brilliantly, and I swear, when it got to the piano bit in the middle, everyone started crying, the second Tom sang 'another year over, and we're still together, its not always easy, but McFLYs here forever!' there wasn't a dry eye in the whole of the Hammersmith Apollo, the fans were crying because it had been almost 2 years since Tom had run away, and us because, well, Tom was back, we had missed him so much and he was (physically) back. Mentally we had a long, long, long way to go, but he was physically back, I think I hadn't realised until now that our Tom was right there with us until he sang that line. And it made me cry, because my best friend was physically back with us, and at the moment, even though there was tears streaming down his face, he couldn't have looked happier, and for the past hour, he could not have looked happier.

By the time the song ended, the four of us were in tears, Danny probably the most, and we were thankful we had planned to go back anyway and come back for Shine A Light as an encore. "great show guys so far! You guys are on fire!" Neil encouraged, grabbing our guitars, handing us towels instead. "thanks, its been a good show, great fun." Tom nodded and wiped his face clear from tears, wiping off some of the make up on his face, I don't think he noticed though. "most fun we've have in a while." I agreed, pulling myself together, wiping away the left over tears. "oh you're due back on, good luck boys, go out and kick arse out there again!" Neil grabbed back our towels as we ran (and limped) back on stage, the screaming starting back up again.

Shine A Light went brilliantly again, Danny belted out the last chorus so loudly he almost collapsed, but apart from that, the song went just as well as the rest of the concert. Even Tom started hopping a little to the music, giving off a brilliant smile again, which lit up the room more than all the lights put together. The concert ended on an overall high, the confetti falling around us and getting stuck to us, a whole load of pyrotechnics going off in a dazzling display. "thank you to everyone who out tonight, we'll be back very soon we love you all!" Danny shouted before the last few notes were played. Then we had our usual mass chuck out of picks, drumsticks, towels and anything else we could. Harry picked me up too, heaving me into his arms, and carrying me off stage in hysterical giggles.

"wow that was fun! That was awesome! One of the best nights of my life!" I shouted, unable to speak at a normal level. "that was an amazing gig! I wanna do another one!" Harry agreed, not letting me go until we got to the bus, only then setting me down on his lap, a sort of tradition after shows. He always cuddled me after a show, as a sort of 'well done' for a good show, and because he had missed me too, even though we were only a few feet away from each other. "defiantly a great show, now I need to pass out for a while." Danny followed onto the bus and laid down on the opposite side of the table, curling up on his side on top the cushions. "did Shine A Light and Pass Out knacker you then?" Harry laughed, leaning on my shoulder a little. "yeah, remind me to practise singing that loudly next time, night." Danny croaked and promptly fell asleep, snoring almost straight away.

221 Harrys POV

I heard some shuffling and turned my head to see Tom crawling awkwardly into his bunk, closing the curtain behind him. "think he's still okay?" Dougie asked, nodded his head towards to the bunk. "yeah, I recon so, probably just tired or headachy, you know how I get with a concussion, Toms the same." I reassured him, thankful for once that I was accident prone and had quite a few concussions, otherwise Dougie wouldn't have believed me. "I'm still checking on him, give me a sec." Dougie got off my lap and edged closer to Toms chosen bunk, which was only a few inches off the floor, usually used for dumping guitars and suitcases on. I followed the small blonde, wanting to check on Toms state too, guessing he would have found something to stress about, just like always.

"you okay?" Dougie asked simply, pulling the curtain back to reveal Toms half make up covered face. He had changed his shirt since the show, into yet another long sleeve shirt, fully buttoned up and with another tshirt underneath. "yeah, just tired." Tom nodded, biting on his sleeve nervously. "alright...good show wasn't it?" I wanted to know how Tom felt about the show, and wanted to give him some company, Tom had spent almost the whole day by himself, he needed someone to talk to, even if was just for a little while. "yeah, great show. You guys nailed it." Tom managed half a smile, a shadow of the one he had on stage, but it was a start. "thanks, you nailed it too though. You were awesome out there, I don't think anyone even noticed the cast." Dougie smiled that special smile he saved for when it was only us, when he was completely comfortable with whoever he was with. It was so rare to see that smile, it made my heart completely melt. "thanks, I wasn't that good." Tom blushed a little, his face contorting in hurt for a few seconds before he snapped back to an almost poker face, the one that mostly appeared on his face.

"you were, we're proud of you, so proud of you." I smiled, putting in the praise I knew Danny would have if he wasn't already asleep. "I'm kinda tired, I'm going to sleep if you don't mind." Tom yawned, looking a bit awkward at our praise. "yeah, we're going to bed anyway too. If you hear a thump in the night, its Danny falling off the sofa where he's crashed." I joked, standing up and climbing up onto a higher bunk, soon followed by my husband. The bunk was a little too small for the both of us, but we didn't mind, it felt weird to sleep alone, so we always cuddled up in our bunks, we used to say it was for warmth, now it was just because sleeping alone never happened. I couldn't sleep without my arms around Dougies small frame, it didn't feel right to sleep without him, I had to sleep next to him or I would worry all night.

"night guys, great show tonight." I smiled, spooning up to Dougies tiny frame. "yeah night, I love you Harry." Dougie giggled, leaning to kiss my arm, the only part of me he could reach. "night." Tom whispered, I could just about hear him. Danny snored again as reply, and as predicted, a loud thump sounded as he fell off the sofa. "epic fail Dan." I teased, resisting the urge to laugh, knowing this happened at least once a tour. "shut it Hazza." Danny grumbled, getting into the bunk opposite ours. "sorry, night Danny." I smiled at him, pointing to Toms bunk to indicate he was in there. "you better be. Night guys, night Tommy, great show tonight. You made us proud." Danny answered, he got a barely intelligible mumble of "night Danny." From Tom, but it made him grin, and that was all that mattered.


	113. Chapter 113

**LeilatheGalaxyDefender - thanks! :D**

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222 Dannys POV

In the morning, I woke up on the bus again, which at first was a bit of a shock, I was so used to either mine or Toms bed, but then I remembered last night. Last night was magical, Tom had smiled for almost an hour and a half, and had kissed me, so what it took a little encouragement? For once, I didn't initiate the kiss, and that was all that mattered to me. I carefully climbed down the stairs and wandered into the kitchen area, facing Harry and Dougie, cuddled up together as they ate breakfast.

"morning! Still in that happy mood then?" I laughed, enjoying seeing them look so happy and smiley for once. "yeah! Cause last night was awesome!" Dougie was bouncing on Harrys lap, I felt slightly sorry for the poor guy, having to try and control a hyper Dougie was nearly impossible, like controlling a hyper active Tom in Disney land. Wait...where was Tom?

"yeah it was, so where is Tom?" I asked, feeling a little worried over where my lover was. He couldn't have gotten far. "in his bunk I think, we did tire him out a lot last night." Harry explained, holding Dougie still on his lap, pulling him closer if it was possible. "good point...Tommy, you in there?" I turned round, pulling the curtain back to reveal a still sleeping Tom. He looked so cute, tucked up in his duvet, his fist holding it to his chin, his hair all fluffy and messed from sleep. "aw, sleep well baby, you deserve it." I leant in and kissed his forehead, flattening his hair a little. Tom groaned and nuzzled into his pillow more, shuffling a little, my grin got even wider, it was starting to hurt.

I took a picture of him sleeping and ended up tweeting it, I felt almost like it was 2 years ago, like nothing had happened. 'Toms still worn out after last night!' I put as a caption, grinning stupidly at the picture, then looking up at the real boy. Really, Tom looked like a little boy, like the boy I had fallen in love with way back when he was 17 years old. I wanted to wrap him into my arms and never let go, or freeze time and keep him like this forever, he was safe and calm in his dreams, after an amazing show, I couldn't ask for more.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I climbed into the bunk, wrapping my arms around Toms small body, ignoring the fact I could feel his bones. He would get bigger, I was sure of it, in time he would get bigger. "I love you, so much." I whispered, pressing my nose against Toms hair, taking in his smell, again it was newly washed clothes, and his honey shampoo.

Could we be like this forever?

223 Toms POV

I was surrounded by papers, hundreds and hundreds of reviews, and every single one was about me and how I failed. "Fletcher failed to hit a single note last night...Fletcher doesn't deserve to be in this band...Fletcher is failure." Each one shouted at me, proving all of my worst fears, that everyone knew that I was awful. "Tom, come here a minute." Danny appeared, he sounded different, but I ran over to him anyway, wanting his safety. "Danny help me, please, the reviews...they're so bad! I'm sorry!" I cried, gripping onto his arms. "okay I'll help you...you're fired." Danny smirked, pushing me backwards. "what? But, why?" I ran back to him, trying to grab him as he walked away. "Tom, go away, you're not in this band anymore." Danny shoved me to the floor, then walked away, leaving me crying on the floor, where was I supposed to be.

I woke up suddenly at a loud bang, hitting my head on the top of the bunk. "ow!" I grabbed my head and laid back down, feeling my head explode and tears well up my eyes. It just hurt so much, like hitting my head on the table the other week, only more painful because of the still healing cut on my head. "whoa there, be careful!" Danny made me jump, when the hell did he get in my bunk?! "I, when did you get here?" I asked quietly, clutching at my head and trying not to let the tears leak over my eyes. "about half an hour ago. Hey, let me have a look at that, that sounded painful!" Danny pulled my hands away and lifted up my hair to look at my cut head. "why did you come in here?" I looked away from Dannys face, it was alright looking him in the eyes during the show, it felt alright then, but right now, it didn't feel good at all. It felt awkward and wrong, like I was trespassing, how that worked I didn't know, it just felt like it.

"cause you looked like you were lonely, and needed a hug, so I came in. You're head looks fine, the stitches are still intact, and you're not bleeding, so you're all good." Danny smiled a little, flattening down my hair, cupping my cheek in his hand. I moved my head from his hand, I didn't really feel like being touched right now. "wheres Tom and Danny?!" Fletchs voice suddenly made us both jump. "in here Fletch!" Danny called, turning a little, keeping his hands around my waist, knowing I couldn't get out of it, I was already pressed against the wall of the bunk. "what the hell are you both still doing in there for? Its 3 in the afternoon!" Fletch ripped the curtain back, making the sun burn into the bunk, making my eyes scream at me. I was hoping that it was going to rain today, so the bright light wouldn't hurt so much, guess I had no chance of that. The lights last night had burnt so bad, I was hoping for a rest today. "we were tired Fletch, it was a late one last night." Danny defended, turning around fully, almost blocking my body from Fletchs view. "well get up now, you guys have a photo shoot in half an hour." Fletch got back up again and stormed off. "slave driver. Come on Tommy, we better go and do as he says." Danny sighed, wriggling out of the bunk and then helping me up.

I was thankful that the bus had a shower and I had already had one, so all I had to do was get changed again and eat some form of breakfast. "I'll get you some toast ready, alright? Go get changed and it'll be ready." Danny gently kissed me and left me in the 'bunk corridor' as we called it. I was thankful that Danny almost always burnt toast, so I could hopefully eat it without eating too far above my standards, I still took an extra long time getting ready though, so it was cold too. I got changed in the small cupboard on the second floor, into another pair of loose baggy trousers, and a long sleeved red shirt, and a pair of black Converse, thinking it looked alright to have a photo shoot in.

Then, I went back downstairs again, finding burnt, cold toast, like I had expected. It was the tastiest thing I have eaten in weeks, after literally eating around mould, leftovers, and from the bin, having something like this was like eating Kobe Beef, the best thing you could ever imagine. "well done baby, I'm proud of you." Danny slid to sit next to me in my bunk (I refused to eat in front of people, ever) kissing my cheek. "I only ate something, its not anything huge." I muttered, ignoring the fact that we had had a similar thing the other week. "I know, its just been ages since I last saw you eat." Danny shrugged, grinning at me, keeping his arms around me as we were called for our photo shoot.


	114. Chapter 114

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - :)**

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224 Dougies POV

The photo shoot didn't go too badly to be honest, it was a quick one too, so we were out of there and on our way home only 2 hours after we arrived. Nothing bad happened that day at all, or for the next few weeks. We did a few more littler shows, did a few interviews and a few shoots, but that was really about it. It was like 2 years ago, only now Tom was almost silent, literally, during interviews he mostly kept his mouth shut, at photo shoots he actually did remain silent unless someone was directly talking to him. But, at concerts he was quite loud, having a blast like normal, it was sort of like how I used to be at 15. Silent during everything, then on stage loud and quite clearly enjoying myself, through all the nerves.

Before I knew it, it was time to take Tom back to the hospital to get his cast off, and to have his stitches taken out. "want us all to come with you?" I asked. "no, we'll over crowd him with all 3 of us. You guys stay at home today, I'll look after Tom at the hospital, and me and Carrie will look after him at home if he needs it." Danny declined, I could hear him moving around, probably getting dressed while talking to us on the phone.

"alright, call us if you need us round though, we'll be hanging around here." Harry smiled a little, running his fingers over my side, bringing me a little closer to him. "yeah, I will, have fun you two." Danny shut the phone off, and I shuffled closer to my husband. "day to ourselves, what are we going to do then?" I asked, wondering if I could spend the day laying in bed. "I dunno, lay in bed all day and pretend that the outside world doesn't exist?" Harry shrugged, pulling the covers over our heads and pulling me into his embrace even more, so we were almost plastered together.

"hmmm, I like that idea." I had missed being able to sometimes be able to lay with Harry, forgetting about the world outside. We sometimes did manage to lay by ourselves, cuddled up under the covers, not even saying a word, just happily laying together, relaxing, but it was rare now, I missed it. "yep, well thats todays plan done, I'm not getting up unless we get a phone call. Which we probably won't get, Danny can handle Tom for a few hours at the hospital, I'm sure." Harry sighed, almost sinking into the covers. "yeah, he can." I agreed, barely even mumbling anymore, just wanting to relax into pleasant silence, enjoying some time with my husband, like we were supposed to.

225 Harrys POV

I spent all day cuddling with Dougie, he didn't even bother getting out of bed at all for the whole day, even when I went to get us food when we got hungry. He literally, just laid there, using my arm as a pillow, his legs tangled with mine, whispering random thoughts to me, sometimes repeating a few. "would you still love me if I dyed my hair purple again?" Dougie whispered at least 3 times. "yes, we started dating when you had purple hair, I would still love you now if you dyed it back like that." I answered 3 times. I knew sometimes Dougie would distract himself from worrying by asking random questions.

"do you think we should get a new dog? Or reptile?" Dougie asked, nuzzling into my chest. "I don't know Doug, its up to you. Do we have room for another reptile?" I replied, giving him something to think about, knowing that around this time Tom and Danny were probably in hospital, getting the cast off. "no, I don't think so. But, we could get another dog, that'll be cool." Dougie shook his head, falling silent again, "do you think that Toms alright at the moment?" there we go, the question I was waiting for. "yeah, I recon so. Dannys there, I'm sure he'll be okay."I smiled, trying to give Dougie a bit of reassurance, he had been calm all morning, I didn't want that to be shattered. "you sure? He doesn't like people touching him, and they've got to touch him to get the cast and stitches off." Dougie tensed a little, I started to run my fingers over his back, trying to relax him again.

"yeah, he'll be fine, I'm sure. Danny will keep him from harm, Tom may not let him hold him during the day much, but he does during the night, and when he's scared." That was one thing I had noticed, on a normal day, while hanging around the house, Tom didn't look comfortable, but let Danny touch him. If he felt ashamed or guilt, he wouldn't let him or anyone touch him, and a lot of the time wouldn't even stay in the same room. When Tom got scared, or upset, or was in pain, he cuddled up to Danny and couldn't let him go. But at night, Tom let Danny hold him fine, cuddled almost straight away, without a seconds hesitance. It was strange, how the time of day and his mood effected Toms level of tolerance to touch and comfort. "yeah, good point. I hope Danny can keep him calm, so the hospital don't think he's crazy...even though he is a little bit." Dougie sighed and broke my heart a little bit. He knew Tom was a little bit crazy, which wasn't exactly far off the mark, Tom wasn't crazy, he was...troubled. Very troubled, and needed our help to get better. He just needed love, attention and a lot of patience, and our help, to build up his confidence.

I managed to keep Dougie calm and distracted from worrying too much for another 2 hours, then finally got a phone call from Danny. "how is he?" I asked, doubtfully putting the phone on speaker so we could both hear. "Toms...alright, I guess. The stitches are out and the cast is off." Danny sighed, he didn't sound that happy, something had happened. "you don't sound alright, what happened?" I regretted putting the phone on speaker as soon as Dougie tensed up, whimpering into my chest. "Tom didn't particularly like the doctors touching him, so he panicked a little. They've given him something, to calm him down. Its...he's, drowsy, and not exactly with it, but not completely knocked out." Danny whimpered too. "ouch, but, he'll be okay, right?" Dougie piped up, his little hands tightening their grip on me. "yeah, I think so. Its just a matter of waiting for the drug to wear off I think." Danny answered, I heard his car start up.

"want us to come round?" I quickly said before he shut the phone off. "no, we'll be fine. I'm taking him to mine, he'll be alright there." Danny sighed again, and cut off the call before I could ask if he would be alright.


	115. Chapter 115

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - very poor Tom indeed :/**

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226 Dannys POV

I managed to keep it together until we got back to my house, the doctors had told me it would take several hours for this drug they had given Tom to wear off. It was horrible to see the effects of this drug on Tom right now, he was slumped against the car door, his eyes half closed. He could just about still move, but I had to support him, it was awful. "don't worry, I'll help you inside baby, don't worry." I whispered gently, originally helping Tom out of the car, then realising his shaky legs weren't going to carry him. I didn't want to risk him falling over again, his leg was already weak enough after only just coming out the cast, I couldn't risk another breakage. So instead, I scooped him into my arms and carried him inside, trying not to worry about how easy it was to carry Tom about, because of his lack of weight.

Gently, I rested Tom on my bed, tucking him into the covers, putting on some cartoons for him, trying to make him feel safe. "its going to be okay, you're home now, like I promised." I knelt next to the boy, running my fingers over his side. "you...said...we...were...going...home." Tom pushed out, breathing heavily. It was what he said at the hospital, before the doctors had put him in this state, because he had been hysterical.

Flashback - 1 hour ago

"right, so what are we doing here today?" a smiling nurse came over, checking charts and files. "we're here so you can take off Toms cast, and sort out his stitches." I answered, holding Toms whimpering body close to mine, trying to stop him shaking. I knew how hospitals scared him, they always had, especially after his dads breakdown right before he left. I could only hope that the doctors would treat him fairly, and not over react to anything. "alright then, come with me, I'll show you to Doctor Young." The nurse led us down a mass of hallways until we reached this doctors room. "hello, you must be Thomas Fletcher and you are?" Doctor Young stood up, he was a tall man, with jet black hair, he reminded me a bit of a villain in a sci fi show Tom would like. "Danny Jones, Toms friend." I smiled a little, offering a hand to shake, careful to keep Tom held upright at the same time.

"nice to meet you Danny, well, shall we get started then? We'll start with removing the cast I think." The doctor gestured towards a bed, I set Tom down on it, immediately feeling him pull me closer in fear. "its alright, I'm here, I won't let you go. It won't take long, we'll get all this fixed and then we'll leave." I promised, rubbing his arm gently, keeping the whimpering boy in my arms. "scared of hospitals?" Doctor Young smiled, I nodded, he chuckled a little, probably used to it by now. "well in that case, we'll make this quick then, won't we? It'll take a while to get off this cast, but I'll work as quick as I can for you." The doctor smiled, starting to cut off the cast with saw. The whole time, I held onto Toms shivering body, quite thankful that he wanted to be held, I wouldn't have been able to cope if he wouldn't have wanted to be touched. "you're doing well baby, I'm proud of you." I whispered gently in Toms ear, kissing his hair, letting him hide his face in my stomach. It hurt for him to push as hard as he was into me, but I wasn't about to push him away, I was keeping Tom in my arms until this was over.

Soon, the cast was off, and Doctor Young (whose first name was Jonathon) checked the bone, making sure everything was okay. "well you're leg has healed perfectly by the looks of things, which is good. So, how about we look at your stitches then?" Jonathon smiled, gently trying to pull Toms face towards him, he was having none of it. "Tommy, you have to let Jonathon look at your face, its not going to hurt, he just wants to look for a minute." I encouraged, still Tom didn't move. "come on Tommy, its gunna be fine. Jonathon just wants take away the stitches, then we can go home, we'll go home straight away. You've been so good, just a few more minutes of bravery, thats all I'm asking." I coaxed Tom into looking around to Jonathon, holding him still against my torso, so he couldn't get away easily.

Jonathon looked at the stitches and decided it was healing up nicely and Tom didn't need them anymore, so he started to cut them away using a pair of scissors. Everything was going nicely, until Jonathon started looking at Tom in general while still cutting away stitches. "has anything happened recently to you? That caused you to become so pale, and skinny?" he asked, we both tensed. "Tom doesn't tan easily, and we're in England, there's no sunlight, so he's pale." I defended quickly, pulling Toms body closer to my own, stopping him from writhing away from me. "so why is he so underweight then?" Jonathon carried on, indicating how badly Toms sleeves were hanging off his tiny little arms. "he just is, okay? Really fast metabolism or whatever its called." I covered Toms arm with my own, hiding it from sight, feeling him tense. "I want to give Tom a full examination, I'm concerned over how small he is, no-one is this small, really fast metabolism or not!" Jonathon finished with the stitches, indicating the scales on the other side of the room.

"no!" Tom started writhing, pushing at me. "we're not even going there, okay? We're fine. Toms fine. We're going." I pulled Tom up, and he seemingly hadn't heard me, starting to full on panic. "get off me! Leave me alone! You said we were going home!" Tom cried, kicking out as Jonathon came towards him, practically screaming. "we are going home Tommy, I promise, we're going home!" I pulled Tom towards the door, but he never heard me. Tom carried on writhing and fighting to get out of my arms, and away from Jonathon, crying out whenever the doctor touched him or came too close for comfort. "Thomas, if you do not calm down, I will have to take drastic measures to calm you down." Jonathon warned, which only made things worse. "no! You said we were going home! Let me go home! I don't want to stay, I can't stay!" Tom cried out hysterically, kicking out again. "you're not staying Tommy, we're going home, calm down and we can go home." Now I was practically shouting, trying to get Toms attention, and keep hold of him, which was impossible. Tom managed to break free of my grip and started to run, me and Doctor Young running off after him, he was surprisingly fast for someone who ate barely anything and had just got out of a cast.

I reached Tom first, backing him into a corner, trying to calm him. "y-you said we were going home! D-don't l-let them t-touch me!" Tom whimpered, shaking in fear of the doctor and 3 nurses running up behind us. "I won't, they won't touch you baby, I'm taking you home, don't worry, I'm taking you home." I whispered gently, slowly putting my arms around Toms shaking body, guarding him from the danger. I was starting to see why he had such a strong hate for hospitals now. "we can't let you go without giving Tom a proper examination. I'm sorry, but he is too sickly looking to not check." Jonathon stepped closer, and out of nowhere the nurses grabbed at us both, pulling us apart. Tom screamed loudly and struggled in their arms, until they injected something into his arm. "you said we were going home, you said we were going home." Tom whimpered until the drug took full effect, leaving him a weak mess on the floor. "I'll take you home, I promise, I'll take you home as soon as their finished, I'm so sorry." I grabbed his hand, as a gurney was brought in and the doctors put my poor boy on it, wheeling him off to exam him, and my god, the things they found were horrible.

Flashback end

Without realising it, I had found my way into the bathroom, and was a razor was already pushing into my arm, creating the first new line in over 2 weeks. I felt the guilt flow out of me, leaving me feeling better, it was my fault that Tom ended up in that state, it was completely my fault, and I couldn't change it even if I tried. "I'm so sorry Tommy." I cried, cutting a 2nd line into my arm, just to really punish myself. "don't...do...it...please... I'm...sorry." Tom whimpered.


	116. Chapter 116

**xxPUDDxx - hmm, maybe some Flones fluff is on the way :P**

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227 Toms POV

I knew exactly what Danny was doing, and it killed me to know I couldn't stop him. I was trapped on this bed, incapable of moving, just about able to speak. "Danny...stop...please!" I said as loudly as I could, trying not to cry at the fact that because of me, there was at least another line on Dannys arm. The feeling of knowing that it was my fault, completely my fault, crushed me. Just because some doctor thought I looked underweight, so he wanted to look at the whole of me, I had panicked, I just didn't want him to see me, I didn't want anyone to be repulsed by what they saw. I was just trying to save them from looking at me, they didn't have to come in and do whatever they did to me so I was this calm! I could have happily walked out of that hospital, if only that doctor hadn't have said full examination, then I wouldn't have been tossed into a panic attack.

"I'm sorry Tommy, I am so sorry, its all my fault this happened, I won't let you down again." Danny appeared in front of me, crawling into bed, hugging me with his left arm, his right staying tucked up, firmly against his chest. "let...me...see." I whispered. "you don't want to see it Tommy, you really don't, think of what happened last time." Danny shook his head, paling a little. "please...you've...seen...mine." the hospital had revealed all of my cuts just today, and the bruises, and everything else. I was 'almost dangerously underweight' as they put it, I didn't even care, it was better than being fat. No-one took the p*ss when you were underweight, and it was what I deserved anyway, starvation was a permanent ongoing punishment, that wasn't being taken away from me.

"I know I have, along with the bruises, but I can't show you mine." Danny refused. "please." I tried to look him in the eye, I wanted to see his cuts, just to see what damage he had caused himself. "how about we make a deal? I'll show you my scars if you promise to not tell the others what I just did, yeah?" Danny bargained, I nodded in agreement. "alright, I'll also keep the bruises a secret, we can work on that together." Danny slowly rolled up his sleeve, showing me all of the scars going up his arm. So many were healed over perfectly, just a small bump left, then there were the new ones. 2 long jagged, criss crossed lines going right through the middle of the rest of them, almost like a sadistic pattern. They were still bleeding slightly, red drops slowly leaving sticky red lines behind.

"bandage...them...bleeding." I couldn't keep my eyes off the scars, they looked horrible on Dannys freckled skin. It was like the worst horror movie to me, knowing how badly the guilt could eat up your insides, leaving you a monster, hungry for sharp things. "alright, I'll go bandage them, if anyone comes in, I'm getting changed or something." Danny kissed my nose and ran off to the bathroom to cover up those nasty cuts. It was my fault he had made all of them, if I had hidden it from him well enough, maybe he wouldn't have started, and his arm would still be perfect. But I hadn't hidden my cutting from him well enough so he began, how could I have been so careless? I should have hidden it better from everyone! That way Danny wouldn't be cutting, Dougie wouldn't have cried like he did the other week, and Harry wouldn't be trying to pick up the pieces of the 3 of us. He would snap himself soon if he didn't stop trying to pick us all up and look after us, then that would leave little Dougie, who already tried to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, he would break so easily, like a twig. It was my fault we were all like this, if I had just stayed quiet, or tried to act more like 'myself' then maybe things would have been okay, but I had thought hiding was the best option, maybe hiding in plain sight would have worked better, I don't think I had ever felt so guilty my whole life.

At least I couldn't do anything right now, I was stuck like this, trapped in bed, unable to move away from it. "all bandaged up, hey, don't look so sad! Its all gone now, look, all covered up!" Danny noticed my upset, getting back into bed with me and holding me close. "I'm...sorry... never...cut...again!" I cried, feeling so guilty because of my stupid actions, causing this for Danny, who was so perfect, how could have possibly done this?! "I'll try baby, I'll try. We'll talk about it later, when you're better. You need to relax now." Danny shushed me, stroking my hair until I stopped shaking with unshed tears.

228 Harrys POV

I think that after that phone call, we all just laid in bed all day, trying to forget the world and everything that was wrong around us. It half worked, we managed to spend the day in bed, but forgetting what was happening was difficult. "Doug, I can hear you worrying." I sighed, drumming beats on his side to try and relax him. "I can't help it! They gave Tom something thats made him drowsy and stuff! How can they do that to him?" Dougie looked up at me with wide eyes, they watered slightly. "because hospitals have a 1 track mind and will do anything to get a patient better." I wiped away the tears, pushing Dougies long dirty blonde fringe from his face, framing his cheeks with my hands.

"how long will it take for the drug to wear off?" Dougie whimpered, holding onto my hands so tightly. "I don't know Dougs, probably a few hours. But Danny will take good care of Tom, don't worry, he'll be right as rain later on." I took my hands off of his cheeks and wrapped them around Dougies small torso, trying to stop him worrying so much. "how can you be sure?" Dougie asked, nuzzling into my chest, his small arms trying to grip onto my torso, like I still had a shirt on. "I just know Dougs, it'll be fine, I promise. I can guarantee you that tomorrow we'll go round to see both Tom and Danny and they will be fine. Trust me." I was practically begging that Dougie would believe me, so he could calm down. "I do trust you, I just don't trust them both, cause... you know." Dougie still couldn't get his head round the idea of the self harm, I don't think he would ever get his head round it, and I wasn't about to start explaining it either. It would make Dougie worry more, and that was the number 1 thing I avoided, making Dougie worried.

"they'll be fine. Carries there too, she won't let them do anything, anyway, its kinda impossible for Tom, cause he can't move much. And Danny won't leave him, not for a minute, so it'll be fine, I'm sure." I was lying, I didn't know if Danny would leave Tom, I didn't really know much about self harm, so I didn't know how the impulse would affect them both. "I hope you're right, I really do." Dougie whispered, pulling the covers over us again, we had kicked them off a few hours ago, now he was getting a bit shivery.

"its going to be okay, trust me, and if it isn't, I'm sure we can help them both out. Now, its midnight, we better fall asleep now, so we're ready for tomorrow." I realised what the time was and was thankful for the fact we had another day off tomorrow, so we could relax after worrying all day. It took Dougie a while to fall asleep, but he managed eventually, his tiny little hands holding onto me like it was the only thing keeping him safe and grounded in the world.

It didn't keep the nightmares away though. I was up half the night with Dougie, because he kept on waking up, in a complete panic thinking that either Tom or Danny or both had died somehow... mostly from self harm. This time it was no different. "blood, endless blood! He-he died! He died Harry! He d-died!" Dougie cried, falling into my arms for the 4th time that night. "he's alive Dougs, he's alive, it was just a nightmare." It was a sad thought that I was getting so used to this now, that I knew exactly how to comfort Dougie and make him calm down a little. "I know but it seemed so real!" Dougie whimpered, curling into my arms, his messy hair tickling my chin a little. "all nightmares do Dougie, but they're not. I promise you they're not real. This is real, and you'll see that the both of them are fine tomorrow...well, today now. We'll see that they're okay later on." I promised, hoping and practically praying that neither Tom nor Danny had cut again, so I could be proved right so Dougie trusted me and realised he hadn't needed to worry so much.


	117. Chapter 117

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - *hands Dougie over for a hug* **

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229 Dougies POV

I refused to fall asleep for the rest of the night, knowing I would just end up having more nightmares that scared the living daylights out of me every time. They weren't even lessened by wearing Toms shirt, the new one I had borrowed from his wardrobe, or one of Dannys wrist bands, neither were helping. Not even sleeping in Harrys comforting safe arms was doing anything, I still had nightmares, making me wake up practically screaming every night. So, I stayed awake, trying to focus on the Godzilla DVD playing on the screen, but my mind still wandered all over the place, mostly 10 doors down the road from our house, how my two best friends were coping.

Eventually, it was a reasonable time to get up, so I woke Harry up, who had managed to sleep most of the night after I insisted he did. He didn't need to spend all night awake with me, he deserved some sleep after I kept him up most of the night. "I'm guessing its time to get up?" Harry mumbled as I shook him, his head pillowed on my leg. "yeah, please. Its 10am!" I yawned, feeling so tired, but not letting that get in my way. "alright, give me a while. Wanna come shower with me?" Harry offered, opening his eyes, grabbing hold of my hand. "yeah, if you wouldn't mind." I smiled shyly, following Harry, hand in hand, to our bathroom, showering with him, just wanting to be close. Thats all I wanted, to be close to everyone I loved, so I knew we were all okay.

I had to wait another 20 minutes before I could get that, so we could get dressed and eat something (we didn't really eat around Tom, noticing his lack of actually eating). Then finally we ran round to Toms house. "guys, they're not here, they're at Dannys." Carrie said before we could even step fully through the door. "ah, why are they there then?" I asked, confused. "I dunno, they just went round there last night. I guess they wanted some time to calm down together, I don't really know." Carrie shrugged, pulling on her shoes to come with us down to Dannys, on the other end of the street.

Opening that door, we did find Tom and Danny, laying on the floor together, cast and stitches gone. They were quite close, their hands resting on each others waists almost hesitantly. Danny was looking right at Tom, like he was staring into his eyes, while Tom was as always, looking away. I think he was looking at where his hand was on Danny, like he was watching it to make sure it wouldn't move. "hey, morning guys!" Carrie broke the silence first, making the poor boys jump. "hey, what time is it?" Danny smiled, looking away from Tom for the first time.

"about 11ish, not sure to be honest. Feeling better now?" I sat down next to them on the floor, holding Harrys hand gently, relaxing against his side. "yeah, we're feeling a bit better, aren't we? The casts off, and the stitches are out, so, I think we're all good." Danny looked back to Tom, giving him a knowing look.

230 Dannys POV

I gave Tom that knowing look to tell him to keep quiet about my relapse last night, we were honouring our deal, he wouldn't tell about me cutting, and I wouldn't tell about the bruises. I couldn't believe how many bruises there were all over Toms body, and how thin he was. He obviously hadn't gained any weight at all since coming out of hospital, if anything, he had lost more since then. The doctors had said that the bruises were caused from malnutrition, because the lack of actual food inside had given Tom very weak skin, so even bumping into things made him bruise, there were so many he looked like he had been abused. I had promised to look after him even more now, Tom was going to get some actual food, and I was going to make him feel like he was worth something. His self esteem was at such a low I was surprised his arms weren't ripped to shreds from guilt.

"so what actually happened yesterday then?" Carrie broke the silence, making us tense up. "er, nothing much really. We got the cast off, and the stitches, and came home. Not much else really, apart from laying in bed all day." I shrugged, leaving out basically everything. I didn't want to talk about it, having to watch the doctors and nurses prod and poke Toms poor body, discovering all the scars, all the bruises, all of his bones. While I had to stand there, look at his helpless little face, and not do anything, trying not to act horrified at the things that were found. "cool, we laid in bed all day too." Dougie smiled, almost laying down on top of Harrys lap, making sure their hands were joined together, resting on his stomach. He looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept in a week, or at least a very long time.

"you look exhausted mate, did you even sleep last night?" I asked, poking Dougie in the leg with my toes, not wanting to move an inch away from Tom, not when he actually wanted to be held, and actually had his hand on me. "yeah I did, just a late night thats all." Dougie yawned, sending Harry a look, who just squeezed him tighter. They were clearly covering up too. Probably Dougies nightmares, I knew they kept him up at night, so they must have been really bad last night. "yeah, we have got to start going to bed earlier." Harry pulled Dougie about until he was laying down on his lap, the little blondes head rest on his lap. "nah, I'll be fine." Dougie smiled, resting his head on Harrys knee.

We sat in quiet for a while, just holding onto our partners, glad that everything was okay for now. The cast was off, the stitches were gone, I had discovered the bruises, and I was coming up with plans to get rid of them. I was going to help Tom get over his problem with eating, and build up his self esteem, and stop him cutting. It was going to be a long and hard journey, but I would do it, for Tom. Because he needed to be okay now, and I would make him okay, I swear that I would make him okay again, so he was finally going to be able to smile and care free again. That was all I wanted, for Tom to be able to smile and be care free.


	118. Chapter 118

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - well we'll have to see! :)**

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231 Toms POV

Over the next couple of days, we moved back into my house and Danny complimented almost everything I did, and followed me everywhere, making sure that I was okay constantly. It wound me up a bit, because I didn't need him doing this all the time, he didn't need to be so complimentary, or attentive. I was out of the cast now, I didn't need things to be carried for me, or anything like that, I was perfectly capable of doing things myself, I was fine. Completely fine, he didn't need to do anything for me, he really didn't!

"hey, want me to stay round tonight?" Danny asked, just like every night. "erm, I'll be alright by myself. You can go home." I answered, staring at our hands, they were joined, we looked so different. The beautiful versus the ugly. "you sure? I can stay again if you want." Danny gently pushed my head up so it was facing his face, but I couldn't look at him. He tried every day to get me to look at him, but I never could, it felt awkward, like I was invading on his privacy. "I'll be alright. Carries here, nothing will happen." I nodded my head towards the front room, where Carrie was watching TV. "okay, I'll go home tonight, I'll miss you." Danny smiled a little, I knew he wouldn't. He had be better off at home, I knew he hated knowing what was under my clothes, it would be a better nights sleep for him, so he could actually sleep without worrying about hurting me. I didn't mind the little pain I got from touching the bruises, it was good, kept me tied over cause I couldn't cut at the moment. I was being followed everywhere, I couldn't cut because Danny would stop me and be so disappointed, and I didn't want to trigger him either. We were avoiding that subject, just about awkwardly managing to talk about it in the morning, on the morning scar check as we had named it.

"you'll be alright on your own, I'm sure." I replied, letting him kiss my cheek reluctantly, hoping he wouldn't notice my make up. "yeah, maybe. Still miss you though. So, do I get a goodnight kiss or not?" Danny giggled, winding his arms around my waist. "if you want one." I shrugged, he could have a kiss if he wanted one, but I wasn't making the first move. I never made the first move, ever, it felt wrong, like the eye contact. I felt lips pressing against my own, and kissed back a little, letting myself actually feel a little loved for a few seconds. "I love you." Danny whispered as we break apart, trying to press our faces together, I looked away. My face was horrible, I didn't want him getting a good look of it, or touching it too much.

Ever since the hospital, I had been gripped with a new fear of touch, after being prodded and looked at by so many doctors, unable to run away from it, forced into laying there. I tried even harder to cover myself, to not get myself into a position where I could be easily exposed around people I didn't trust, it was a horrible feeling. It just felt like I was being stared at, constantly, by everyone, even if I was alone in a room. The feeling was awful, I was almost paranoid to take off my clothes, or be around people, I hated it.

"yeah, I know. Good night." I replied, ignoring the hurt look on Dannys face that I could see out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't even say 'I love you' back either, it felt wrong, I don't know why, but it just felt wrong. "night Tommy, want me to tuck you in before I go?" Danny asked, pulling me impossibly closer. "no, I'm fine." I shook my head, stepping out of his arms and opening the door. "alright, well, night Tommy." Danny kissed my cheek again and stepped out, going home for the first time in days.

"Tom, gunna come in here and watch some TV with me?" Carrie asked as the door closed. "no, I'm heading off to bed, we're all going out again tomorrow, we're travelling to Wales for a gig." I was dreading it, my playing was getting worse, and it was in front of another huge crowd, and I was going to be able to walk this time. So I would be expected to go nuts, like usual, which would surely mess up playing. I was not looking forward to it, in anyway, I just hoped I could actually get through it without making too many noticeable mistakes.

232 Harrys POV

The next day, after a long and mostly nightmare free evening, we all made our way out to the minivan that was waiting to take us to Wales for the evening. We had a small show to perform there, and were staying over in a hotel for the night. We had done a few performances over the past few weeks, and this was the first one where Tom wouldn't have a cast on, so he was actually able to move. There was apparently a lot riding on this concert, it was really the big concert that really said that we were back, and everything was fine. Even though it was nowhere near fine.

Dougie slept for most of the journey there, resting his head on my shoulder. He slept soundly for once, mostly because he could probably hear Tom and Danny talking quietly among themselves. They both seemed pretty calm too, relaxed and, dare I say it, happy. Danny had a big smile on his face, and Tom was at least managing to hold Dannys hand, keeping a safe distance between them, but still managing some form of being close and couple like.

"Dougie, baby, we're here, we've arrived!" I whispered gently, shaking Dougies side, trying to get him to wake up a little. "huh? But I only just fell asleep." Dougie whimpered, nuzzling into my chest. "no you didn't, you've been sleeping for hours now, I promise you!" I giggled a little, pushing him up a little, my body warmth would only send him back into sleep even quicker. "ugh, I was having a nice dream then!" Dougie groaned, but got up, stretching and yawning loudly. "sorry Dougs, but we need you for sound check!" I laughed, pushing a little on his back to get him out of the car, otherwise he was never getting out.

The sound check went well, all of our instruments were working in order, and we sounded awesome, if I did say so myself. The show was going to go well, as long as both Tom and Danny kept up the happy mood they were in, I expected they would, but you never know, something could have set them off. I was just glad Tom was managing to have some close contact with someone, and that it was making Danny so happy to have his lover close to him. Ever since the hospital, they had been a little closer than usual, like it had bonded them together a little more. It had to be a good thing, I couldn't see anything bad from with them becoming closer, it was a very good thing to see that they wanted to be close together, after spending such a long time dancing around each other, barely managing simple hugs.


	119. Chapter 119

**PoynterPrincessLouise - we'll have to wait and see! and are you a new reader? i don't think i've seen your username before!**

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233 Dannys POV

"Tommy, gunna eat something? You need it." I asked, holding an apple out to him. "no, I'm fine." Tom shook his head, staring at the apple, looking half way between horrified and tempted. "baby, you know what the hospital said. You have got to gain some weight, or they're going to take you away." I shuddered at the thought, I would do anything to keep him away from the hospital. "I don't want to." Tom whispered, pushing my hand away, but letting me keep my arm around his waist. "you have to, its difficult I know, but you'll feel better. The bruises won't come up anymore and you'll be stronger! Its just an apple, its not going to hurt you in any way." I was glad we were sat by ourselves in Toms dressing room, I didn't really fancy anyone else hearing this, not after we had made our promises to not tell anyone about the bruises or the cutting.

"but I've already eaten." Tom whimpered, getting up from his seat on the arm of the sofa, going to the window instead. I followed along behind, wrapping my arms around his tiny waist, seriously, Dougie was fatter than Tom right now, and that was saying something. "what did you eat and when?" I asked, gently kissing his shoulder. "I ate before you got up, I had...toast." Tom replied, clearly lying through his teeth. "liar, seriously, when was the last time you ate?" I pushed, feeling and hearing Toms stomach growl, he sounded hungry.

"this morning, I swear! I'm not lying, it was this morning!" Tom writhed out of my arms, wrapping his own arms around his waist, protecting it from view and from my hands. "alright, alright, I believe you," I really, really wanted to, but I actually didn't, "but you can't survive like that, eat this, its all I'm asking. You'll perform better on stage with this." I pleaded, hating seeing the little colour in Toms face drain away at this conversation. "I'll be fine, stop worrying." Tom shook his head defiantly, backing away and into the corner. "no you won't, you promised me that you would try, please." I begged, following him to the corner, still holding the apple.

"I-I don't want it though." Tom whimpered quietly, pushing the apple away. "why not? Its not like its unhealthy, its good for you, twice as good for you." I encouraged, letting him push it away, but not letting go of the fruit. "I-I, don't know. It doesn't feel right!" Tom cried, covering his face with his shaking hands. "aw baby, calm down. Its just an apple. It'll be hard at first, but it'll get better." I sighed, trying to put the apple in his hand. "I don't want the apple." Tom dropped it, shaking a little. "alright, want do you want instead? I can get you anything!" I grinned, hoping that this was a break through.

"I, er, want a...banana." Tom shocked me. Tom hated bananas, and I mean, almost ran screaming from a room when one was around him. "really? You sure?" I asked, sure that this was a mistake. "y-yeah." Tom nodded, sliding down the wall until he was curled in a ball on the floor. "alright, I'll go get you one. I'll be back in a minute, don't go anywhere." I kissed his hair and quickly wandered out, into the dressing room me, Harry and Dougie were sharing. "how is he?" Harry asked first, squeezing Dougie close. "he's been better. But, I've been asked to get a banana for him, which is strange." I explained, grabbing one from the table with that food. "seriously? What the hell?" Dougie looked very confused. "I don't know, but he's willingly eating, so should we really care?" I shrugged, because really, should we be worrying as long as Tom was eating, even if the thing he was eating he hated?

"I guess, but if he just eats the food he hates then we'll should worry." Harry reasoned, protectively pulling Dougie even closer, seeing him pale a little more.

234 Toms POV

I didn't want to eat! I didn't want to go near any type of food! Why was Danny doing this to me? Why couldn't he just leave me alone to get on with it, instead of trying to constantly make me eat?! I was crying miserably by the time he came back in again, carrying the dreaded fruit. Bananas were the most disgusting thing I had ever seen before I ran away, I had always feared them, thats why I had chosen to eat it, because I hated it so much it was still in the standards I was allowed.

"are you sure that you want this and not something else? There's crisps and stuff in the other room that none of us are eating." Danny sighed, crouching down in front of me. "y-yeah, I want it." I lied, I wanted to scream and run away, hide from the evil yellow thing, forget all about the conversations about eating and the bruises. "alright, we'll take this slowly then." Danny started peeling it, I don't know what I was more afraid of, eating it because it was disgusting, or eating it because I 'needed' to. I didn't need to eat more than I already was, I swear! I was fine, yes, maybe a little on the skinny side, but if I wasn't then everyone would take the p*ss even more. It was bad enough they judged me for my face, let alone them judging me on my weight and then making jokes. I had been there before, I was not going back!

"d-don't look at me!" I cried, no-one could look at me while I ate, people would think I was a pig, and even more disgusting than usual, they couldn't watch me! "alright, I won't look at you. I'm proud of you, by the way, for trying. It means a lot to me that you're trying." Danny smiled a little, handing me the banana and kissing my head, before turning round. "n-no! Get out! Y-you can't be here!" I cried again, I couldn't even be in the same room as someone while eating, I couldn't do that! It wasn't right for them to be in the same room as a pig, I couldn't make people sit with me! "alright, I'll go into the corridor. I'll be back in a while, and I'll be checking that you've eaten it and not just hidden it." Danny sighed and got up, didn't even look at me as he walked out, leaving me to force myself into eating this banana.

It tasted exactly like I remembered it too, horrible, it made me want to throw up it was so vile. I cried the whole time, trying desperately to pull myself together, to remind myself it was just like everything else I ate. But I hated what I ate, the whole lot of it was either out of date, mouldy, stale or just what was left from what the others had eaten the day before. I couldn't even remember the last time I had eaten something nice willingly, it must have been last year sometime, whatever it had been must have been nice though.

I was a complete wreck by the end of the banana, it took Danny over 2 hours to calm me down. No-one else even noticed how much I was breaking down either, Harry and Dougie stayed in their dressing room, didn't even poke their heads round the door to see what was wrong. They must have really hated me, for being such a drama queen, and for taking their secret boyfriend from them. I didn't mean to, Danny just insisted on sitting with me and helping me to calm down, I never asked him too!

"there we go, shhh, baby. You'll be okay, you did so well, I'm proud of you, we're all so proud of you. I love you." Danny whispered gently, kissing my hair. "go away." I moaned, I didn't want to be around people anymore, I was ashamed of myself. I was taking away two other peoples boyfriend, making him sit with me as I had a mental breakdown because I ate the worst food known to man, even though I was supposed to be used to it by now. Again, I was over dramatising everything, just like always, and keeping my lover away from his own private lovers. I couldn't just let this happen, I had to let him go, go be with the people who made him happier than I could ever make him. "I'm staying Tommy, you need someone to stay with you right now." Danny shook his head, tightening his arms around me. "no, I don't. You've let me be alone every other gig, leave me alone now." I pushed out of his arms, standing up, feeling sick. Why did I eat that banana? It was the most horrible thing I had ever tasted, why did I eat it?! "yeah, but the last few you haven't eaten beforehand, I want to stay with you. That was a big thing to do, and you need to be around people more, you're always trying to be on your own, you need company sometimes." Danny sighed, grabbing my hands, stroking his thumbs over the back of my hands.

"I've been around you all morning, now go away. Its 2 hours before show time, we've got to get ready." I growled, pulling my hands out of his, I had already left it too late to get ready. I needed a day to actually make myself look presentable, I only had 2 hours, I was going to have to rush. "fine, but, when you're ready, come into our room, we miss you in there, doing a whole band warm up, like we used to. It's not fun when you're not in there." Danny thankfully gave in, pleading me at the door. "whatever, just, leave me alone. Go have fun." I closed the door, locking it too so I wasn't going to get caught, sprinting to the bathroom, getting rid of that vile thing I had just eaten, cutting a few more lines into my skin as punishment for even trying to eat. Before running over to the wardrobe, picking out a semi reasonable outfit and pulling it on, sorting out my hair and make up as quickly as I could. I still looked a mess 2 hours later, like I had been in an awful car accident or something, but it was better than what I had originally looked like. I could never go out looking like I did normally, it would be awful, I would never live it down. This time, I could only hope that the reporters here wouldn't decide to take pictures, or really notice how awful I looked right now. At least my scars were covered up, along with the bruises, at least I wouldn't be found out because of that.


	120. Chapter 120

QUICK NOTICE: On Friday I'll be finishing school for the year and starting my study leave, which means I'll be off school until September woooooo! xD But it does mean that I'll have to use most of the first few weeks revising, until the 5th of June, when I finish my exams. It shouldn't effect how much add that much, though I may not be able to reply to your comments, as I might just quickly add when I get 5 minutes. So, I'm sorry if I don't reply to comments, I'm not ignoring you or anything, I'm just trying to add quickly when I get 5 minutes!

235 Dougies POV

"Danny, whats up with Tom?" I asked, worried over the fact that Tom hadn't left his own dressing room for over 2 hours, there hadn't been a sound coming from his room for over an hour and a half, until there were the vague shouts of Toms vocal warm up. "I don't know, he's having trouble excepting eating food. He's ashamed, I think, and now he wants to be alone, again. Looks like I have to check his arms again tonight." Danny sighed, biting at his nails, scratching his arms. "well at least Tom actually ate something. We can't just expect him to eat straight off with no problems, just focus on the fact that he actually did eat something." Harry reasoned, standing up with me, going over to Danny, pulling his hands away so he couldn't cause damage to himself.

"yeah, I know. I'm just worried he's gunna cut again, or throw up." Danny sighed, pushing into our arms, nuzzling his face between our shoulders. "well if he does, we'll help him, and tell him that its okay. We'll all help him, alright? If he does cut again, we'll try and make him better, and see that it was wrong, we'll help him." Harry squeezed us both, kissing both of us on the head. "I hope we can, I don't want another line on his arm." Danny whispered, voice muffled by our shoulders. "I know, but, next time, we can try harder, and keep the sharp objects from him. We'll make plans to stop him and make him better, to make you both free from self harm." Harry promised, keeping a special tight hold on Danny, who needed it the most.

We held each other in silence for a few minutes before Fletch interrupted us. "boys, show time in 10 minutes. You better get over to the stage now." Fletch explained, we turned round to see him and Tom standing in the doorway. Tom was looking at the ground, looking awkward and upset again, pulling down his sleeves. He did look good though, physically, not like he had been throwing up or cutting recently. Also, Tom did look breath taking, his hair was perfectly ruffled around his pale face, framing it, his outfit was perfect too. Black jeans, that were almost skinny, but not quite, coupled with a long sleeved black shirt, both perfectly fitted for his body. Danny actually did gasp, his eyes and face melting.

"yeah, we better get going." Danny sighed, I was glad he had already warmed up his voice before our small conversation. "good, get moving boys." Fletch pushed Tom none to gently out the door, the three of us following along behind, glaring at the back of our managers head for pushing at Tom like that. He didn't need to be pushed roughly at all, especially while he was still weak. Neil handed us all out guitars, sorting out our in ear headphones, turning them all on to the right frequency. "good luck boys, you'll kill it out there like usual." He smiled, hugging us all. "thanks, we'll try our best." Danny replied, edging closer to Tom.

"good luck Dougs." Harry turned to me, giving me a hug. "good luck Haz, see you in the flip side." I joked, going up on tip toes to kiss him gently. "yeah, see you on the other side of the kit too." Harry laughed, letting me go as we all group high fived, telling each other good luck, probably telling Tom he was going to be amazing one too many times, though I was sure it wouldn't hurt much. "good luck Tommy, you'll be amazing out there, just like always." Danny finally managed to wrap his arms around Toms skinny body and kiss his cheek, he was getting really excited for the show now. For the last few shows we had done, there had been a smile on Toms face, and he had either made eye contact with Danny, or let him hug or kiss him. And each time that happened, the grin on Dannys face could not be removed, hell, even Toms smile brightened up a little more at their closeness! I wondered if that would happen today, I hoped it did, these two deserved happiness constantly, but were only managing to grab those few seconds every time we did a show, I just hoped Tom would finally let Danny hold him and be his boyfriend properly again.

236 Harrys POV

The show went brilliantly, we had a really good laugh, having a few jokes and a few 'Flones and Pudd' moments. For example, Dougie managed to get the crowd to shout 'Tom and Danny get married' , making both boys blush, then made them hug. I think Dougie really enjoyed making them do things like that, he always loved seeing them hug and smile at each other, and seeing as it was so rare at the moment, it made him grin even more. Also Danny, on his own, ended up kissing Tom during Room On The Third Floor, and in Transylvania, making the blonde smile shyly, and us all grin, Danny probably the most.

A few times, Dougie ended up visiting me up on the drum riser, sharing a loving smile with me, and coming up for a hug during the beginning of All About You. "having fun?" I asked, leaning my head on Dougies ribs, squeezing his hip. "yeah, they look so happy." Dougie smiled, leaning into my embrace, looking down as Tom and Danny sang in perfectly harmony. "I know...its our bit, see you in a while." I reluctantly let go, watching Dougie bounce back down to normal level, then doing bunny hops to the other side of the stage like that strange little boy he was. By the end of the song, he was throwing his plectrums at me, each one hitting me straight in the arm, and a few hit one of my symbols...why was it Dougie couldn't play sport to save his life but had the best aim ever when hitting me with plectrums when he knew I couldn't get him?!

"before we go onto the next song, there's someone who hasn't said a word yet and wants to say a word or two." Dougie started, the crowd went mental. "who is it Doug?" Danny asked, playing it up, the grin from the first and second kiss still wide on his face. "its...Neil!" Dougie pointed to Neil on the side of the stage, who sent him the middle finger, used to his playful jokes. "no it isn't! Seriously, who is it Doug?" Danny laughed. "Tom!" Dougie pointed to me, helplessly laughing. "that isn't Tom! Thats Tom!" Danny pointed to the actual Tom, who giggled a little at the banter going on around him. "oh yeah, thats Tom! Whose that up there then? Is it the tw*t I call my husband?" Dougie got such a load scream from the crowd I think I went deaf. "oi! I'm not a tw*t!" I threw a drumstick at him, missing and having it go straight into the crowd. "oh yeah, you're just my target at target practise!" Dougie teased, he always ended up like this when he was on stage and hyper active, it made me laugh to see what he came up with.

"I'll make you my target practise, and my weights for weight lifting in a minute!" I shot back, stumping him. "well then... oh I give up, you do that anyway!" Dougie faced me properly, grinning so wide his eyes had actually disappeared. "you bet I do, anyway hi!" I realised that we were in fact, on stage and supposed to be talking to the crowd, as expected, they screamed, deafeningly loud. "hows everyone doing? Anybody too hot? Its boiling up here!" I laughed again when everyone agreed, it was boiling in this arena, I was thankful for the fan blowing cold air behind me. "so, what banners do we have tonight... I can't read them from here!" I could read a few, but I wanted Tom to see a few too, especially the ones dedicated to him. "Tom, you're beautiful!" Danny read the main one I saw, pointing to it. "cheers." Tom half mumbled, blushing madly under the make up he had on.

"Tom you're amazing... We found Kate... Shine A Light on us Party Girls, very good guys!" Dougie read out, searching for more Tom love banners, finding a few more and reading them out, making Tom blush more and more, really highlighting how pale he really was. He was still looking ill, and a bit like he was going to pass out from heat, but still very strong. "well, I think we should get on with our last song of the night, don't you?" I hurried along, wanting to give Tom a small break, actually scared he might pass out.


	121. Chapter 121

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - he may do, or he may not :/**

**xxPUDDxx - thank you, i'm going to need it! ah thats pretty weird! i start mine on the 22nd, a few days after the Wembley gig, then i have 5 exams and i'm all done by the 5th! then i'm basically free until September! xD good luck on your exams too!**

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237 Dannys POV

I agreed with Harry and started playing 'The Last Song' noticing how worn out Tom looked, he needed a break between now and the last 3 songs of the night that we used as an encore. He managed to make it through the song, then we had our break in the corridor leading to the stage. "bl**dy great show, bl**dy great." Dougie sighed, gulping water so fast it was like he hadn't had any in weeks. "totally agree, great show." I rubbed my face with a towel, sliding down the wall to sit next to Tom, whose legs seemed to give out under him, "told you that you would be awesome tonight, didn't I?" I smiled, putting my arm around Toms shoulders and bringing him in for a kiss on the head. I had loved the kisses I had given him, and had pterodactyls in my stomach again when he smiled because I had kissed him, I hadn't thought I could make that smile happen anymore, but I was so happy that I could.

"thanks, but you guys are better. You're nailing it." Tom blushed even more, looking at his shoes. "you're nailing it too, best show we've done in a while." I encouraged, rubbing his shoulder. Tom just blushed more, looking away to a corner, drinking some water. "ready again boys?" Fletch asked, giving us strange looks because we were sat down. "give us 30 seconds more. Need to catch my breath." Harry covered, instinctively pulling Dougie closer to his body, protecting him from the danger Fletch presented. "alright, but you can't wait too long. And remember, I'm moving your bags and stuff over now so you can literally just run to the bus straight after the show." Fletch reminded us, heading over to the dressing rooms. "right, ready for One For The Radio and The Heart Never Lies?" I stood up and pulled Tom up too, judging if he was dizzy or not by how he stood up. He was fine, mostly, just looked a bit tired and in need of rest. "yeah, I'm ready." Tom managed another smile, getting his guitar off Neil again, letting us walk back out again in front of him, just like usual.

The rest of the show went well, we really managed to give it our all for the last 3 songs, making ourselves cry for the 4th time during The Heart Never Lies, just like we used to. It just meant even more to us now, because we really were going to be here forever...hopefully. As long as we managed to keep Tom happy, and help him become sane again, we would be fine, I was sure. Again, I almost made myself pass out while singing the last lines of Shine A Light, because I was singing so loudly without taking in much breath, but I made it, as did Tom, though he was starting to get woozy, I could tell.

The song ended so we chucked out our towels, remaining plectrums and drumsticks, saying one last thank you to the crowd. Dougie jumped onto Harrys back and made him carry him off stage, the both of them laughing almost hysterically. Me and Tom preferred to just run off, running straight through to the bus like we were told, falling onto sofas. "whoa that was an AWESOME show! It was so much fun! I'm knackered now!" I heaved, rolling onto my back, trying to breathe in all the air so I could to get rid of the black spots behind my eyes. "I know! I haven't moved that much in years!" Dougie laughed, squealing as Harry dropped him onto the sofa opposite me. "agreed, and you haven't been that mean in years either!" Harry sat next to Dougie, then laying on top of him, pinning him with his body. "you know I didn't mean it Haz, I love you really." Dougie giggled, like he knew there was a tickle war about to start at any second. "yeah, I know. But, I think Butty needs to be punished for throwing plectrums at me, and for calling me a tw*t, Dan do you agree?" Harry got that look on his face that clearly said 'I will tickle Dougie anyway, just try and stop me'. "yeah, mind if I help?" I got up, going over to the couple, making Dougie squeal as the both of us simultaneously jumped on top of him, tickling the little one to within an inch of his life. I didn't even realise that I was forgetting about Tom, who wasn't even in the room, I was so caught up in the tickle war I forgot about my own boyfriend, it took me ages to work out what felt wrong about the situation, and I only got it then because we arrived at the hotel.

238 Toms POV

I curled up in my bunk the whole way to the hotel, hiding underneath a mound of duvet, trying to block out the sound of my band mates laughter. I felt ill, really, really ill, like I was going to faint. The heat had been incredible in that arena, and it wasn't helping that I was wearing 2 tshirts, running around manically after losing a bit of blood after tearing my skin open earlier. I was actually worried I was going to pass out, I was still so warm, and feeling faint from blood loss.

The bus lurched to a stop suddenly and I took it that we were at the hotel. "boys, stop tickling each other and get moving, we have to get this thing parked and the lot of you checked in." Fletch stopped the giggling trio in the other section of the bus, seemingly not noticing that I wasn't even there. I kept quiet, wondering if I could stay in the bus all night, without anyone noticing, it wasn't like I deserved whatever hotel room I was given anyway. I had sung so out of tune tonight, looking back on it, I don't think I actually sung a single note in tune, or played the right chords in a few songs. I had been moving about and laughing so much I don't think I was even paying attention to playing, so I had messed up a few times. Note to self: don't run around a stage like a maniac, its more important getting the show right than actually having fun.

"hey, wheres Tom gone? Did he get on the bus?" Danny asked, d*mn, someone noticed I wasn't there. "yeah, he defiantly got on the bus, Tom, where have you gone? We're at the hotel now!" Harry called out, I heard his footsteps approaching my bunk. The curtains opened, revealing the bright lights of the bus, burning my eyes again. "found him! Hey, we're at the hotel, we're all getting off and going in, gunna come join us?" Harrys voice softened as he spoke to me, like I was some stupid little boy. "yeah, I'm coming." I sighed, tempted to turn down the offer of a hotel room, but not wanting to draw more attention to myself. I had already showed myself up tonight, I was not going to cause a drama so people felt sorry for me, so I was let off for messing up. I rolled out of the bunk and shuffled along behind the others, carrying my backpack of spare clothes, razor blades and cutting towel. I took them everywhere, they were the essentials I needed with me wherever we went, I never knew if I was going to have to quickly punish myself for doing something, it was best if I was prepared.

As I expected, I was given a large hotel room, complete with large double bed, sofa, tv and large bathroom all to myself. This must have cost a fortune, I was half tempted to run downstairs, checkout again and run back into the bus, the bunk was comfy enough to sleep on, I was used to cold kitchen tiles, the bunk felt like sleeping on feathers. I dreaded to think how soft and comfortable that bed was.

The only thing I actually used in the room was the shower, I smelt disgusting after that show, and maybe it would knock any dizziness out of me too, which would help. I slowly undressed and started to wipe off the make up that was almost covering my body from the hips upwards, then climbed into the shower. It was cold, just how I liked it, I had forgotten what warm showers felt like, and how beds felt, and anything else like that. The things I had taken for granted before had all gone, I wasn't allowing myself to use them, it would have been stupid of me to use them now, I wasn't worth all this luxury. I had to earn these things back, by actually managing to play shows right, which I wasn't managing at this moment in time. When I could finally make people the happiest I could make them, and do my job right, and look like an actual human being, then maybe, I would allow myself a bed, or a warm shower, or a nice meal. Until then though, I was sticking with the cold showers and floors.


	122. Chapter 122

**quick add before i get called back into school for a UCAS meeting**

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239 Dougies POV

"I wanna go see Tom, just to make sure he's okay." I sighed, sitting on the bed and watching Harry walking about after his shower, getting dressed. "yeah, I want to too, cause its not normal to just go and hide in a bunk after a massive show like that, especially one that good." Harry agreed, pulling on a tshirt and tracksuit bottoms. "I know, thats not normal, even for Tom now." I sighed, getting up and pushing my way into his arms, feeling worried for my best friend. He had been fine earlier on, on stage, its just like as soon as we got off stage, he just flipped back to the scared little boy he had turned into. "exactly, you wanna go now or wait a while?" Harry asked, holding out his hand for me.

"go now, just in case, just to make sure he's alright." I grabbed his hand, pulling myself up and hurrying along to Toms room, which was only down the hall. Luckily, I remembered the number of the room he had walked through, so it was easy to get the right door. Tom hesitantly answered after a few knocks, opened the door a little, looking through the crack. "hey, you seemed down earlier, after the show. We came over to see how you were now." I explained, pushing on the door a little. "give me 2 minutes, I'm not dressed." Tom almost slammed the door, there was scrambling inside for a while, then the door opened again.

"can we come in then? Or are we all standing in a corridor all night?" Harry tried to joke, it didn't really work. "yeah, sorry, I'm not with it. Buzzing still, from the concert, you know?" Tom yanked open the door, he looked so jittery, it was unbelievable. "yeah, its going to take ages to calm down, I think I drank too much red bull!" I managed to laugh, feeling awkward, I had never felt like this with Tom. He had always been like a second mum to me, I could tell him anything, hang out with him at any time, even if he was in the middle of something incredibly important. Now to feel so awkward around the guy, who was now probably even skinnier than me, was almost too weird to comprehend.

"yeah, probably. So erm, what are you doing in here, do you need something?" Tom asked awkwardly, pulling down his sleeves, I swear I almost had a heart attack. "no, we just wanted to hang out for a while. We haven't really hung out as a three in forever." I smiled, falling to sit on a sofa, trying to make it feel like this was just like how it used to be. It wasn't working, this just felt forced. I didn't want it to be forced, I wanted it to be just like normal, to have us all here, happy and laughing, joking around and staying up until the really early hours in the morning. Instead of the conversation starting to flow straight away, we all sort of sat down, looking around the room blankly, all of us lost in different thoughts.

240 Harrys POV

It took so long for anyone to speak, none of us knew what to say to each other without leaving Tom out of the conversation. This had never happened before, ever, I just wished that Tom could get better so we could talk properly. "so, er, good show huh?" I managed to come up with, after sitting in awkward silence for over 20 minutes. "yeah, good show. You guys nailed it." Tom nodded, he winced a little too, though I have no idea why. "thanks, you did too, I think we all were amazing out there. The crowd loved it." I encouraged, seeing Tom visibly hold back a wince this time. "I think its the best show so far, cause everyone enjoyed it." Dougie joined in, sliding his hands into my own, biting at his lip.

"you only think that cause you like throwing stuff at me!" I teased, trying to liven up this dead conversation. "yeah but you love it really! Means you get a tickle fight later!" Dougie giggled, poking me in the side. My heart melted at the giggle he gave, I had missed hearing it while we weren't on stage, it was only time I heard him laugh, completely care free and happy. "hmm, good point." I poked Dougie in the stomach, hearing him squeak loudly. "don't poke me!" Dougie whined, poking me back. "then don't poke and throw stuff at me on stage!" I poked him right back again, making him squeak and whine again. "I'm not sitting with you anymore! I'm gunna sit with Tom, he won't poke me!" Dougie stuck his tongue out and moved to sit on the floor with Tom, who looked beyond awkward now, especially when Dougie sat down with him, the heavily tattooed arm going around very thin shoulders.

We spent the rest of the evening just sitting with Tom, trying to cheer him up a little, he looked so out of place right now, for no apparent reason. He just looked like he wanted to cry, maybe even cut his arms again, I dreaded to think what state his arms were in, they must have been awful. "so, I think we better be getting back to our own rooms again now. It is 2am, and you both look knackered." I sighed when Dougie yawned for the 100th time in the past hour, his eyes fighting to stay open. "yeah, I'm falling asleep! Night night Tommy, great show tonight, and tomorrows will be awesome too." Dougie yawned again, letting me pick him up, like you would with a 5 year old, letting him nuzzle into my neck. "night guys." Tom mumbled, standing up and opening the door for us.

"night Tom, we'll see you tomorrow," I smiled (Dougie added a 'later on today you mean' sleepily) "sleep well, you deserve it after that awesome show." I finished off, giving him a one armed hug, trying to keep Dougie in my arms too. "you worked harder, you deserve more sleep. Night guys." Tom mumbled, closing the door the second we let go of him. "alright, come on Doug, time for bed." I decided to ignore that and put it down to tiredness, carrying Dougie back to our own room. I laid him down on the bed as soon as we got in, realising that Dougie had fallen asleep in my arms, he groaned when I tried to pull away, pulling on my tshirt he had fisted his hands round.

"alright, I won't take off my tshirt then." I rolled my eyes a little, not able to think anything other than 'Dougie is so cute when he clings on to me.' So, I crawled into bed too, covering us with the covers, cuddling up to the tiny blonde. "night night Dougs, I love you." I whispered, giving him a gentle kiss to the cheek before going to sleep myself.


	123. Chapter 123

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - haha! yeah i love writing really long and detailed stuff, so nothing gets left out or anything! there's a long way to go on this fic, and it has a sequel that i'm working on right now! :D**

**xxPUDDxx - yeah, i'm seeing them at Wembley this year! and aw that sucks, i really hope they do some summer shows or something that you can go to! :) **

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241 Dannys POV

The time I woke up was far too early to be considered legal, until I realised that in fact, it wasn't early, it was 11am and it was just dark and rainy outside. Then, my phone scared the living daylights out of me by ringing loudly so loudly I fell out of bed trying to grab it from the bedside table. "eh, what do you want?" I groaned, seeing Fletches nickname (the ferret of doom - don't ask why) on screen, "hello?" I managed to say upon answering, wondering what the hell Fletch wanted. "you missed breakfast, we're waiting on you and Tom, where are you?" Fletch growled, oh he was angry. "sorry, I overslept, I'll come down now. Have you tried phoning Tom, cause he isn't in here, didn't Harry and Dougie see him last night?" I asked, wondering where the hell Tom could have gotten too.

"he isn't answering his phone...oh great, Dougies hyperventilating." Fletch clearly was rolling his eyes, the sound of Dougie heaving for breath and Harry trying to calm him down in the background. I had heard that Dougie had been managing to keep his nerves under control since Tom came back, mostly managing to just keep it in until both him and Harry were alone before he had another hyperventilating and fainting attack. "alright, I'm coming, I'm going across to Toms room now, I'm sure he just has his phone on silent." I was fighting down my own worry for Dougies sake, the poor boy hated panicking like this, it was best to calm him down and keep your own panic at bay.

"good, Dougie, calm down will you?" Fletch sighed, I could almost feel the death glare Harry was giving Fletch through the phone. "Fletch, shut the hell up! Dougie, baby, its alright, shh." Harry was then heard, used to Dougies panic attacks. I ignored whatever was said next, deciding to knock on Toms door, rubbing sleep from my eyes as the door opened. "found him, we'll be down a while, Dougie, calm down." I shut off the call, realising as I tried to put my phone in my pocket that I was still in boxers and a tshirt, I hadn't even gotten dressed before walking out of my room.

"found me?" Tom questioned, from under his fringe I could see he looked confused. "yeah, Fletch phoned up, wondering where the both of us were. Harry and Dougie have been on the bus for ages, apparently we've missed breakfast and they're all ready to go." I left out the part about Dougie panicking, not really wanting to worry Tom, or make him feel guilty, he felt guilt for things he shouldn't have even been worried about, I didn't want him to feel even worse. "oh, sorry, I just...didnt realise what the time was." Tom clearly lied, maybe he didn't want to be on the bus with Fletch. "yeah, did the same myself. So, wanna have a Call Of Duty tournament on the bus? While we're on the way to the next show?" I asked, wondering if I could keep him from Fletch, even for a little while. "you can, I'm still tired. Didn't sleep until 3am." Tom shrugged, going to close the door again.

"wait! Can I meet you outside here in 10 minutes? So we can go down together? I don't really fancy walking down to Fletch by myself." I stopped the door closing quickly, wanting to make our way down to the bus together, like we used to. "yeah, alright, I'll be there in 10." Tom then closed the door, leaving me to collect up all my stuff and get dressed properly, before meeting him back in the hallway, where we walked, in complete silence, not even holding hands, onto the bus.

242 Toms POV

Stepping onto the bus, I found Fletch glaring at the door, and no sign of Harry or Dougie. "finally boys! Take your time why don't you?" Fletch shot acidly at me, folding his arms. "sorry Fletch, we were up until the early hours practising and talking. We over slept." Danny offered in explanation, why was he lying? I didn't get it, we hadn't seen each other since we had checked in, why was he saying that we spend the night together? "oh really? Thats why Harry told me they spent last night with Tom, is it? Pull the other one Danny." Fletch growled, shooting Danny a death glare. "sorry, well I spent the night playing anyway." Danny backed down, dumping his bag on the bunk. "we were with Tom until 3am Fletch. We've only been awake for a few hours, and thats only because Dougie-" Harry stopped himself short, him and Dougie appearing at the stairs to the upstairs section. "I woke up early! Couldn't sleep, too hyper from the show!" Dougie cut in, he looked awful, his skin had gone pale and slightly shiny, and was heaving a little, sort of like he had had another one of his heaving sessions.

"right, whatever, anyway, Tommy, start driving! We're all here now." Fletch sighed, getting out and going to his own car, he always went in there, I have no idea why though. "don't take it personally guys, I just think Fletch is stressing out over a lot of things. He'll calm down eventually." Tommy sent us a smile and started driving, I didn't believe a word he said though. That was what everyone said to us when talking about Fletchs anger, when it was obvious he was taking out his anger over me and my failures on the lot of us as a group. I felt so guilty for making Fletch shout at the 4 of us, instead of just me, if he hated me so much, he should have just said it, so I knew to stay away from him.

"right, I call a Call Of Duty tournament! Who's in for it?" Danny perked up, always one to try and cheer up his friends. "yeah, alright, I feel like shooting the cr*p out of something and vegging out for a while." Dougie shrugged, falling onto the sofa, he looked so worn out, and clammy, I hoped he wasn't coming down with something. "yeah, you need it Dougs." Harry ran a hand through Dougies hair, giving him a worried look. "I'm fine, stop worrying dude!" Dougie sent Harry a look that I couldn't decipher. "I know, just want to make sure." Harry sent a look back, gently kissing Dougies clammy forehead, wrapping his arms protectively around him.

"gunna join us Tommy? We have peanut M&Ms and 4 controllers." Danny broke me looking at the couple, wishing I had the confidence and the looks and personality to be able to be like that with Danny. "dunno, I'm kinda tired." I answered, not wanting to impose on their competition. "so? Sleep on Dannys shoulder! We won't thrash him too bad so he won't move much!" Dougie giggled, sticking his tongue out at Danny. "whatever you little bugger, come on Tom, just sit with us. When was the last time we all hung out, playing games on the bus? Its been ages!" Danny patted the spot next to him, it looked so inviting, so I did give in and sat on the floor in front of the sofa. It had been so long since I had last sat with the guys and watched them play games, and even longer since I had actually joined in. Maybe if I just sat down here and was quiet enough, maybe I could stay, and fool myself into thinking that we were all happy, and I didn't have 4 fresh cuts on my arm, as punishment for last nights awful concert.

I felt a pair of skinny jean clad legs fall on either side of my body, recognising them as Danny straight away. "they're gunna be love birds for a while, thought we could come up with game strategies to kick their butts." Danny offered as explanation, nodding his head towards Harry and Dougie, who were cuddled up still, Harry keeping his protective arms around his little baby Dougie.


	124. Chapter 124

243 Harrys POV

"I'm fine, really, I am. I'm not going to start heaving again, or faint, or anything." Dougie whispered, leaning his head against mine, obviously wanting to calm me down. Though I already knew Dougie was usually okay after recovering from a heaving/fainting attack, he just felt a little light headed and clammy, that was it. "I know, I just still feel worried, cause, well, you're you, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry." I sighed, pulling him closer, nuzzling into his neck. "I know, but I'm okay. That was a minor one, you know that, I didn't faint this time." Dougie smiled, holding onto my hand, letting me count his breathing, checking that it was regular. "thank god. Can you just let me look after you? Just for a while, I feel awful just leaving you to get on like nothing happened." I whispered, not really wanting Tom to hear our conversation, or Danny, even though he knew Dougie had already had a problem breathing today.

"I know, you can look after me for a while if it makes you feel better." Dougie gave in, petting my hair. "thanks. I love you." I kissed his cheek, loving that Dougie understood me so well he knew when I just needed to look after him sometimes, it helped me feel useful, and like a proper husband, and normal. I loved Dougie so much, I wasn't going to easily let go of looking after him, like I had ever since he was 15 years old. "I love you too. Now, how about this tournament before we actually reach the next stop?" Dougie laughed, turning on the tv and xbox, putting in Call Of Duty.

"we're playing as 1 person, its already been decided!" Danny grabbed a control, handing it to Tom, obviously trying to include him in our games. "yeah, alright, just don't cheat!" I flicked Danny in the ear, earning a slap to the arm back. "oi! Save the fighting for the game!" Dougie countered, before Tom got caught in the crossfire of flailing hands. "alright, be prepared to be smashed by Flones!" Danny laughed, putting his hands on Toms shoulders, holding in a shudder. "yeah right! There's two of us working together, versus you, working together as one. We'll thrash you!" I teased, knowing we would win this war, no doubt.

Within half an hour, we were winning, 10 kills to 5. Danny, despite his competitive nature, was still letting Tom use the controls, following his random shouts, almost like when he let Tom win at Fifa, just because he was awful at sport, in real life and on games. "shoot him! Shoot him! Shoot him now!" Danny cried, bouncing hysterically on his seat, "yes! Good job Tommy! In your face Dougs!" Danny stood up in celebration as Tom managed to shoot my character in the head, for the 3rd time. "shut up! That was a lucky shot!" Dougie waited to respawn, and just missed Toms character by literal centimetres...he was getting very good very quickly, considering this was the new game, and he hadn't ever played it.

Instead, I shot him in the head as revenge, getting one pained cry and a hard slap from a certain someone from Bolton. "revenge for killing my husband." I shrugged teasingly, laughing as I got another slap.

244 Dougies POV

We ended up playing Call Of Duty all day until we got to the next venue, we weren't on tour just yet, but we were working up to it, this was sort of like a trial run. So far, we were doing reasonably well. Me and Harry won the 'tournament' twice over, even with Danny playing properly, instead of telling orders to Tom. Luckily, Tom continued to sit with us, mostly I think because Danny had put his feet on top of Toms crossed legs, half using him as a foot stool, half keeping him on the floor with us.

It was great fun, we had such a good time together, for the first time in ages, we all had such a good time without being on stage. We were all together, laughing and joking, like we were on tour, like nothing had changed. It was the greatest day we had spent together for a while. "oh, I think we've arrived. We'll continue this later on, alright? Come on Tommy." Danny stood up and took hold of Toms hand, pulling him with him.

Together, they walked up in front of us, thankfully holding hands the whole way. Danny lifted their arms and wrapped them around Toms body, holding him close to himself, kissing his hair gently. They talked in whispers to each other the whole way, finally seeming like they were actually a happy couple. I wondered how long it would last.

It didn't last long at all, as soon as sound check finished, Tom departed from us all to sit on his own in his dressing room, locking the door so we couldn't get in. He stayed in there all day, refusing to come out until show time, where again he was a completely different person. On stage, Tom was happy and bouncy, he spoke with confidence, he stood up straight, he smiled, he laughed, he played every single note perfectly. It was such a dramatic change, almost like he had two personalities, the quiet, withdrawn, depressed and mentally ill Tom we mostly saw behind closed doors, and the happy, alive, occasionally loud, jokey, perfectly normal Tom everyone else saw out in public. It was amazing how no-one else saw that the Tom they saw wasn't 100% real, that everything wasn't this perfect, that he wasn't actually that happy all the time, usually the papers noticed everything else, but no-one even noticed that Tom wasn't actually happy, he wasn't even remotely happy off stage. It was all just a lie, a very good lie, no-one seemed to notice the switch, hell, at times I thought that Tom was actually okay. His smile on stage told everyone he was happy (it was a genuine smile, but it still hid the pain he suffered with the rest of the time) but the tears he shed every night after a show (I could hear him, the walls in the hotels were paper thin, I heard every single cry) told a different story. Tom suffered behind closed doors, and we couldn't help him because he wouldn't let us.

The whole thing carried on for months, during the time we had off, and into our tour. If anything, it got worse during the tour, because we couldn't get Tom to actually hang out with us while we were in the arenas, on the tour bus, yes, he spent some time with us. He didn't really say much, but he stayed in the same place as the rest of us at least, which was a start. But in the arenas, he stayed in his own dressing room, saying he was going to sleep or something similar, locking the door so we couldn't get in. I suspected he was self harming, even though we had been trying to make him stop. We had a reward system going, and it was working, for at least Danny. Each week, we would check their arms for new cuts, and if there weren't any, then both would get a reward. And if they managed a month without cuts, then they got a larger reward, but if one did cut, then neither got a reward. So effectively, Tom and Danny were working for their own and each others rewards. We thought this was a good idea because Tom wasn't likely to actually want to be rewarded for anything, but he would do anything to make Danny happy, so if he didn't cut for Dannys reward too, he was more likely to try and stop. And it worked, to a degree, we obviously had slip ups, but it worked to keep the cutting down. So whatever Tom was doing in his dressing room was a mystery, there were no new cuts turning up on his arms, but I still suspected he was self harming somehow, so he still had the pain but no clear signs. It confused me, because if Tom wasn't self harming in his private dressing room, what was he doing?


	125. Chapter 125

**Neon Douche - I'm really sorry you feel that way, but I thought I would try it on this site as it did very well when I posted it originally on the official boards. I'm sorry you haven't enjoyed it as much as I hoped, but thank you for reading anyway. **

**xxPUDDxx - yeah Tom was sleeping, nothing too bad there! :)**

245 Toms POV

"Tom, its Monday, we need to check each other." Danny sighed, finishing his last mouthful of cereal as I winced. I hated the Monday scar check, I didn't like people looking at my arms. Thats why I refused to let anyone but Danny look at my arms, at least he half understood. "yeah, I know." I let myself be taken to a room on the other side of the bus, away from Dougies innocent eyes. He had almost fainted the one time he accidently walked in on our checking, and he hadn't looked well for the rest of the day, so we had to hide away from him, while Harry distracted him so he didn't freak out.

We settled down in another seating area, far away from innocent minds. "I'll go first." Danny rolled up his right sleeve, then his left, showing me healing scars, no fresh ones. In turn, I rolled up my sleeves, showing clean arms too, thanking god that only arms were checked. No-one knew about my thighs, that were now being heavily covered in cuts, and no-one knew about my cold showers, or eating out of the bin. They just thought that I didn't eat, I did, I just didn't eat whole meals, I ate leftovers and scraps. "well done Tommy, you're doing really well, I'm proud of you." Danny smiled, I winced again. If he knew the things I was doing, he wouldn't be so proud anymore, I can tell you. He was doing so well at stopping, so, so well, there was no signs that the urge to tear his skin to shreds was even effecting Danny in anyway. He deserved all the rewards he was getting, he had earned them, I didn't deserve them though, I had just transferred the place where I cut, and thats it. People just believed I was stopping and managing, I wasn't going to tell them the truth either, I needed this self harm, I wouldn't survive without it, no-one could understand that. I just needed this, so I could feel the release, feel the punishment for my wrong doings, so I could feel something that was real. Nothing felt real around me, the cutting did, it helped to keep me from floating into fantasy land, which is what I needed the most.

"so what do you want to do for this weeks reward? Or do you want to save it up until the end of the tour so we can do something big?" Danny asked, grinning proudly at me. He was so happy that there were no new scars on our arms, guilt rose up inside me to know that I was lying to him, making him think that I was trying to stop. I had been forced into trying to stop, and the only reason why I was now hiding where I cut and what else I did to myself was because if I didn't, Danny wouldn't get his reward. He needed this reward, he was working so hard, making it look easy, if I didn't fall in line too, then he wouldn't get his reward. I couldn't stop him getting his reward, that he deserved so much more than I did. "I don't know. Do what you want to do, its your reward." I shrugged in answer to his question, I couldn't even look at our joined hands, knowing how many lies were surrounding this relationship.

"no, its our reward, we're both getting there, its been 3 weeks since either of us cut. Thats a milestone, we both need to be rewarded for it, not just me. You're trying so hard too, and I know its tough, but, we'll get there, I know we will." Danny encouraged, I held back my wince this time. I had to sit here and act like I was trying, when I really wasn't, I was too weak to try, I was in need of the pain, the controlling pain.

"yeah, you'll get there, I'm sure." I whispered, I knew that Danny would manage it, he had the strength to do it, there was no way he wouldn't manage it. "we'll get there Tommy, we will." Danny ran a hand over my face, I pulled away just as Harry came in, he also checked our arms, in case we were lying out of shame. "we're all good this week again!" Danny beamed the second he came in, making the drummer smile too. "thats good, Doug was getting really worried, cause its the first week of tour and stuff. Took me ages to get him to sit down and to fully concentrate on David Attenborough." Harry joked half heartedly, trying to cover just how badly our self harming was worrying little Dougie. "well, we can tell him good news again this week, look." Danny happily showed Harry his 'clean' arms, so I showed him mine too, fooling him into believing I was clean too.

"good job guys, how about you tell him this week the good news, he'll freak." Harry smiled, he was right. Dougie ended up grinning like an idiot and hugging us both so tightly when we told him, he seemed so happy to find out we were clean for the third week in a row. Guilt again gnawed on my insides, knowing that it wasn't true, I didn't deserve that happiness to be directed at me. I sighed, why was it just so difficult to block out the hurt I felt, and why couldn't I just be more like Danny, who was finding this so easy? He was so strong at managing this, I was so weak compared, unable to manage a single day passing without having to tear my skin open. Something always triggered me off, like playing a bad show (I did that every night, I was awful at playing, though the others seemed intent on telling me otherwise), or I was forced into eating a normal bit of food, so we could get rid of the bruises. Those types of things always triggered that ache inside, the monster inside my head always whispering in my ear to do it, I couldn't even control myself anymore. I picked up sharp objects and the monster took over, making me press the sharp end to my thigh and press until the blood came out. It controlled me, it was always there, whispering in the darkness. I managed to hide it while we were in public, but everywhere else, I just couldn't stop it at all.

246 Dannys POV

I was acting like this was easy, but in actual fact, it was so hard to resist the urge to rip my arms to shreds. It was all I wanted to do, rip my arms to shreds, get rid of all these mistakes playing on my mind, get rid of all these feelings of worry and fear over Tom. He still so ill, but he was getting better, it had been 3 weeks since he had last cut, I had to stay strong for him, if I relapsed, he would too. I couldn't let another line be cut into his already marked skin, it would undo the last 3 weeks work, so I had to keep on going, had to keep on trying to ignore the urge to tear my arms open, and focus on Tom, and keeping him on the right track. Who knew it would be this difficult to just stop cold turkey like this? It was easily the hardest thing I had ever done.

"well we can't do much on the bus, so I guess we could save the reward until after tour." Harry shrugged as Dougie and the rest of us tried to come up with a reward. When I say the rest of us, I mean me, Tom was staying quiet, like he still felt extremely guilty for something. "yeah, I'm alright with that. What about you Tommy, alright with leaving it until after the tour?" I nodded, leaning my head on his bony little shoulder, wanting a cuddle. "yeah, I'm alright with that." Tom also nodded, fiddling with his fingers instead of putting his arm around me, which was what I really wanted.

"awesome, we'll sort out a day trip out or something together as a reward. Now I say we just cuddle for a while, I'm tired." I wrapped my arms around Toms skinny body and pulled him closer, wanting to feel his warmth against me, his arms around my shoulders. I always felt better while we were hugging, like when I was in Toms arms, even now when he was still really ill, nothing could go wrong. Mostly now because he was in my arms so he couldn't cause any harm to himself, and because I couldn't either, and because it felt like we were actually a couple for once, which was all I wanted.

I managed to hold Tom in my arms for a few hours, until we got settled in the next venue, we were in Manchester now, the arena was an old favourite, the Apollo. It was small venue, but still very fun to play, so I was looking forward to the show later on tonight. To my pleasure, I got to keep my arms around Tom until sound check, I still got him writhing a little, trying to create a little space between us, but mostly got to keep Tom in my arms until sound check. While he was in my arms, even when he fought for a little space between our bodies, I felt whole, like I didn't need to cause harm to myself, I wasn't worried, or scared for him, I forgot everything around me. All that mattered was Tom, and that he was safe in my arms, finally learning that it was okay to be held for the day.


	126. Chapter 126

**sorry for the late add, been busy out most of the day getting my hair redone in time for Wembley! **

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247 Harrys POV

I was so proud of both Tom and Danny for managing 3 weeks without cutting, I knew they were both struggling, but they were managing brilliantly all things considered. I did sometimes worry what Tom was up to on his own in his dressing room, but I liked to believe that he was sleeping, because he was so quiet. It was admittedly hard to sleep in the tour bus, what with the constant moving of the bus, and the small bunks. We had only been in 2 hotels in the last 10 days, so we were all pretty tired, one of us usually ended up falling asleep before the afternoon.

Currently I was trying to sleep, Danny had passed out an hour ago and Dougie was god knows where, he had left for food a while ago and hadn't got back, I would look for him, but I was too tired to even get up . "hey, come with me!" Dougie appeared out of nowhere, grabbed my hand and pulled me out of our dressing room, running through corridor after corridor. "hey, slow down will you? Where are we going?" I asked, thankful that I was a quicker runner so it wasn't hard to keep up with the little one. "out here! I found a window to Toms room!" Dougie grinned, pulling me further down another 6 corridors until we found the window.

Looking in, we found it was in fact Toms dressing room, and we could see him, but I don't think he could see us. From what we could see, Tom was leaning against the bottom of the sofa in his room, holding his guitar, his head had fallen back against the cushions, I think he was sleeping. "aw, he's fallen asleep." I relaxed a little, my suspicions about Toms activities confirmed. "I wanna put him on the sofa though." Dougie sighed, he was right, it did look pretty uncomfortable. "is there a window open anywhere that we can sneak in? How about that one? Wait, I won't fit through that." I spotted a small window, there was no way I would fit through that. "I'll go in and unlock the door from the other side, give me 2 minutes, get round the other side!" Dougie smiled, hopping up and through the window with so much ease. I ran through the corridors, back round to the door that Dougie had now unlocked.

"what are you doing? I heard running!" Danny stuck his head out of our dressing room door, rubbing his eyes. "getting into Toms dressing room, we checked up on him and we're moving him so he's comfier as he sleeps." I explained, Dannys face lit up and he rushed in with me, his face melting as he saw Tom. "aw, he's too cute for words!" Danny scooped Tom into his arms straight away, putting the blonde on the sofa and laying down with him, laying his head on his chest. "oh you're cold, thats not good, guys, don't suppose you get us a blanket? Toms kinda cold." Danny sighed, rubbing Toms arms until Dougie came back with a blanket, so the brunette cocooned himself and his lover in it.

"I'ma go to sleep here now, see you guys in a few hours." Danny grinned, pressing a kiss to Toms shoulder, snuggling down in the same spot. "alright, see you two later, we'll wake you up for food." I laughed, glad to see Danny looking happy again. I think he was seeing this as a reward in itself, managing to cuddle up to his boyfriend properly for the first time in ages. "yeah sure, whatever. Now shhh, you'll wake up sleepy." Danny giggled, moving Toms arms so they were around him too, then cuddling down into his troubled lovers arms, looking the happiest I had seen him in months.

248 Dougies POV

Me and Harry left Tom and Danny to sleep and cuddle for a while, going back to our own dressing room to flop onto the sofa. Instantly, I wriggled into my lovers arms, pressing my face into his chest, pulling his arms so his hands were resting on my hip and shoulder. "whats up Doug?" Harry asked, pressing a kiss to my hair. "I dunno, just want to hug, take a moment to be a couple, you know? We don't get moments like this often." I explained, burying my face inside Harrys chest, listening to his heartbeat, hearing it beat calmly against my ear. "yeah, I know. Want some practise snuggle time then?" Harry smiled, I nodded and climbed onto his lap, being encased in his strong arms until it felt like I was being cocooned inside the safest arms ever, like nothing could ever reach out and hurt me, ever.

We sat there in perfect silence for so long, using our hands to draw out messages on each other, it was a game we liked to play sometimes, because I was ridiculously ticklish so I always ended up losing because I couldn't concentrate on the letters Harry was writing. I was in the middle of a giggling fit when Fletch walked in, breaking our little two person bubble apart. "hey, wheres the other two?" he asked straight away, he was speaking in the softest tone I had heard him use in weeks. "other dressing room, sleeping. Leave them alone, both Tom and Danny need it." Harry answered, an underlying tone of warning clear in his voice. "you have an interview in a few minutes, we need to have all four of you awake." Fletchs voice hardened again, I decided to stay out of it. I wasn't good with confrontations, and Fletch scared me a little.

"we can do it by ourselves, I'm sure we can get away with it, anyway, they're knackered, let them have a few more hours." Harry pleaded, though it wasn't really pleading, it was more orders with a hint of pleading. "fine, I'll leave them be. But you better do a good interview, and I expect them both awake 2 hours before the show." Fletch backed down, storming out, probably to go get whoever was interviewing us. "nice work." I smiled, standing up to get my headband, pulling it over my hair to keep it off my face. I always felt more comfortable with it on while there was less than all 4 of us doing something, I don't know why, it just did.

"thanks, I just want to keep Tom and Danny happy for a few more hours." Harry adjusted my headband a little, then interlinked our fingers, just as Fletch brought in our latest interviewer in. "sorry we have only have two here, the other two are indisposed." Fletch put on a fake nice smile, gesturing for the women to sit down, before walking out again. The women was blonde, with black running through her straightened hair. Her skin was pale, with light blue eyes, she was very pretty. And to say the least, I loved her clothes, black skinny jeans, with a skull and cross bone on the knee, and a white hoodie, with an anchor and writing saying 'sailing the high seas, full speed ahead'

"hey, so, where are Tom and Danny then?" the girl asked, starting a tape recorder. "they're writing a new song, they got hit with inspiration about an hour ago, I think they're on the bus, though I'm not sure." Harry covered quickly, sitting down on the arm of a sofa, holding my hips as I stood in front of him, not bothered about sitting down, because we were now the same height. "ah, right, exciting stuff! So can we look forward to a new album soon then?" she asked, grinning happily.

"yeah, maybe. We have a few songs, we'll get back to you on that one." I answered, wondering if we were actually going to record a new album, I wanted to make sure that Tom and Danny were better first, then think about doing something like that. I didn't want to make the pressure pile too high on them, so they cracked, it would kill me if all of our hard work on keeping them on the right track went down the drain because we piled too much pressure on them. "wicked! So, hows the tour going?" she went through a list of questions, mostly about the tour for once. There was barely any questions about Toms 'mental instability' probably because we had spent weeks making it sound like nothing was wrong, and Tom was doing a brilliant job of pretending like there was nothing wrong with him in public.


	127. Chapter 127

**xxPUDDxx - haha, she's based on my favourite singer at the time i was writing this! xD **

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249 Toms POV

I was shocked when I woke up to see Danny laying with me, leaning on my chest, cuddled right up to me. He was sleeping, smiling softly in my arms, I hadn't even realised I had fallen asleep in the first place myself. I didn't even remember cuddling up with Danny after sound check, I swear I was just in here by myself, practising. I didn't really mind actually, it was quite comfy like this, and relaxed, I quite liked it, it reminded me of old times. The old times where me and Danny would just cuddle on the sofa and watch a film together, not even caring about anything, then falling asleep together. So, I made the decision to stay where I was, not try to get out of this hold yet, even though I didn't really deserve it. I had been feeling horrible for the past couple of days, with so much guilt and everything else, I just wanted to feel okay and maybe a little bit happy without hearing voices in my head telling I didn't deserve this, that I couldn't be here, I wasn't worthy.

I managed to lay still for half an hour, before I heard movement outside the door. "goodbye, it was nice talking to you." A female, Canadian, I think, voice said. "you too Avril." I heard Harry reply. "yeah, bye, er, where did..." Dougie trailed off, Harry laughed. "he wants to know where you got your hoodie from, Dougs obsessed with pirates you see." Harry laughed, Dougie squeaked, so I guessed he got a teasing poke in the side. "yeah, and your jeans, they're awesome." Dougie spoke up, he sounded awkward again, just like he was around new people. "I'll write the website address down for you, they've got some awesome stuff on there." The girl called Avril answered with another small laugh, there was a pause. "thanks." Dougie mumbled, I was guessing he was blushing by now. "yeah thanks, he would have bugged me about that all year if he hadn't found out." Harry joked, final goodbyes were said and footsteps were heard, before there was another squeak, this time it was defiantly Harry.

"oi! Don't poke me, its not nice!" Harry giggled, there was a play fight about to erupt, I could tell. "you poke me all the time though! So you can't say that!" Dougie shot back, giggling madly. "yes I can! I'm older than you, respect your elders!" Harry burst out laughing, he loved that come back. "by two years! Actually, its not even that!" Dougie squeaked in a very high pitch voice. "shhh! You'll wake up the others! And I'm still older than you, so ha!" Harry giggled, then there was footsteps running away, and another set chasing after him. "noisy little buggers." Danny made me jump by grumbling, looking up at me, I leapt away from him, realising his view of my chin from that angle was awful.

"sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Did you get woken up by those two or was it just me?" Danny sat up, rubbing his head. "I, er, them." I answered, standing up quickly, straightening my clothes. "ah good, glad I'm not the only one." Danny smiled, getting up and stretching, before wrapping me back into his arms. "why are you hugging me?" I asked, hadn't he had enough of cuddling yet? "cause I want to, hugging you is my favourite thing to do...please hug back." Danny nuzzled into my neck, I bit back a cringe, hesitantly putting my hands on his arms, feeling his scars. "they're old Tommy, nothing new, promise." He whispered as I shuddered, rubbing my back. "I know. I'm proud." I whispered, letting some of my feelings known about my...lover? were we even lovers, I didn't even know. We had a rule on tour to keep our 'relationship' low key so no-one found out, though that wasn't exactly happening, with our on stage hugs and kisses.

"thanks, I'm proud of you too. You are doing so well." Danny smiled, kissing my cheek, he tried to get to my lips, I turned my head just in time, ignoring his sigh. "I wish you would just kiss me, and look me in the eye. Why can't you?" Danny sighed, his smile dropping. "I don't know, its just, I can't do it." I lied, I knew exactly why I couldn't look people in the eye, or kiss Danny. It felt wrong, like I was invading on his personal space, where I shouldn't be invading. "try, for me. Please, try." Danny whispered, leaning closer, I leant back. "don't, just don't, its not like I don't want a kiss, I do, but, I can't." I pulled away from his arms, feeling like I was really invading his personal space like this.

"oh baby, come here. We'll work on it, alright? We'll work on it, like we are with the food thing." Danny sighed, I shuddered again, the whole 'food thing' was going 'brilliantly'. The bruises were disappearing now, and I was becoming stronger, because I was actually eating now, which to be honest, I really didn't want. The food I ate was both delicious and disgusting at the same time, everything I ate tasted amazing because of my lack of knowing anything other than stale, mouldy and half eaten left over food. But it was disgusting me to eat it, I didn't deserve that stuff, it was causing me to punish myself more, my showers were even colder, I cut even more, I threw up whatever I ate, which made me feel even guiltier because people believed that I was getting 'better' when I really wasn't, which started the whole guilt trip cycle all over again.

Arms came around my waist again and pulled me backwards into Dannys body, not stopping all these thoughts about all the things everyone thought I was getting better at. I felt ashamed of my lying again, I didn't deserve such great company right now. "we'll get better Tommy, promise. And you can always lean back on me, I'll catch you if you fall." Danny smiled, pressing kisses over my shoulder and up my neck. "don't kiss me. Get off." I wriggled out of his arms, not wanting this at all. Not right now anyway. "why?" Danny followed me. "I want to be alone, leave me alone. Its almost show time." I lied, we had 3 hours yet, and my skin was crying out for the razor blade._ Kick him out now, get him out, then cut away at your legs, where no-one can see. You pathetic boy. _A voice encouraged, I hated that voice.

"I can stay if you want, I can get changed later if you want me to stay." Danny sounded hurt, _he is not hurt, get him out now and go punish yourself, do it NOW. _"I want you to go, I need time, to prepare. Nothings changed from yesterday, I need time to myself." I shook my head, leaning on the wall, fisting my hands so they didn't start twitching. "okay, we're only next door if you need us, you know that, right?" Danny sighed, putting his hand on my shoulder. "yeah, I know. I'll see you at show time, okay?" I replied, shrugging off his hand. "okay, see you later. I love you Tommy." Danny kissed my cheek before leaving me on my own in my dressing room, when the monster inside took over and cut 4 lines into my leg, making me feel dizzy and light headed, the room almost spun. He only let me go so I could get dressed, and prepare myself the show, whispering the whole time in the back of my head that it was pointless, I was worthless and I wasn't going to be able to perform a good show again, and he would be back to punish me later on.


	128. Chapter 128

**xxPUDDxx - yeah! i adored her from the age of 11 - 13 so much i literally wanted to be her! **

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250 Dannys POV

I wanted to cry when the door to Toms dressing room closed on me, the sudden rejection hitting me in the face, even though this was the 6th time this had happened, it still hurt. Just being able to have Tom in my arms for a few hours, then for him to suddenly snap and be desperate to be alone killed me, it made me want to cut more lines into my skin. And then he rejected my kisses, and couldn't even look at my face, it just made me want to cut so much that my arm was cut clean off. My arms were itching already, my skin crawling and crying out for something sharp to scrape against them, just like they did every single day, just even more intensified.

"Danny, you okay?" Harry asked, coming over with Dougie, their hands already on my shaking arms. "no." I whispered, not really wanting to admit to the urge, both of them and Tom had said they were so proud of me for coping so well so far, if only they knew the struggle I was going through. "why not? Did he kick you out again?" Harry guessed, nodding his head towards the door that was keeping me from the person I wanted so badly to be my lover. It was moments like this when I realised that we weren't actually lovers, I didn't even know what we were, we just hugged and held hands, and I kissed Tom anywhere he would let me, and he kissed me when a whole crowd screamed for him to. That wasn't a relationship, I had no idea what it was, I couldn't even define it.

"yeah, I got kicked out again." I answered, adding in a 'like I'm being kicked out of Toms heart too' in my head. "do you want to talk about it?" Dougie asked, wrapping his arms around me. "no, there's nothing to talk about. Just, distract me, please?" I put my arm around Dougies little shoulders, needing to hug someone right now. "yeah, come on. Fifa is already in the xbox if you want it." Harry sighed, leading us both back into our dressing room, where, as he had said, a game of Fifa set up and ready to go. They must have predicted that this would happen, and had set up something as a distraction.

So, we played, and I beat the both of them, mostly because they were sharing a controller and only me and Tom had mastered sharing. There were so many things that me and Tom did together that no-one else seemed to manage, we were on such a similar wave length to each other usually, I didn't understand why Tom seemed determined to make it snap. It was like he all of a sudden hated me, or our relationship, or something. One minute he seemed so calm and happy to sit in my arms, the next he wanted to be completely on his own and we wouldn't hear a word out of him for hours. It killed me when he snapped like that, all I wanted was for Tom to be happy, and to like being in my arms like he used to, he used to cuddle up in my arms all the time, and used any opportunity to lean on me. That had all changed, and I just wished it hadn't, all I wanted was my Tom back, the one I had originally fallen in love with, before either of us had these urges to hurt ourselves, when we could look each other in the eye and kiss like there was no tomorrow.

"Danny, have you tried talking to Tom about the way you're feeling right now?" Harry asked, after round number 3, where I had beaten him again 6:3. "yeah, why do you think I got kicked out again? I tried talking to him about the eye contact, and thats when he flipped." I sighed, leaning on Harrys side, needing a hug from someone at least, so I didn't get up and run to the bathroom to find a razor. "what do you mean flipped?" Dougie whispered, he looked very scared at this point.

"I mean, he flipped. From being okay in my arms, because he's never happy anymore, to refusing to let me touch him, and kicking me out of the room, because he wants to be alone. His mood and personality just flip, and it f*cking hurts." I explained, biting at my nails to keep myself calm. "really? Sh*t, what are we going to do then?" Harry swore, squeezing the both of us. "I don't know, I don't want to send him to a doctor, they'll lock him up or something. But it looks like we have to." I sighed, I really, really didn't want to send Tom to a doctor, all they would say was that Tom was crazy and needed to be taken somewhere so they could 'look after him'

251 Harrys POV

It really looked like we would have to get Tom professional help, because if what Danny was saying was true, he really was flipping over nothing. "I don't want to send him anywhere, he'll never forgive us." Danny whispered, gripping my shirt. "well look, we'll see how things go, okay? If he gets any worse, then we'll go to a doctor, if not, we'll leave him be and try and help him. Just look on the bright side Dan, its been 3 week since either you or Tom have self harmed, and thats so good. And we've seen him eat a few times too, he is getting better, its just taking a very long time. We have to be patient." I advised, because technically, Tom was getting better. He was eating a little more, and hadn't self harmed in 3 weeks, so, his destructive behaviour was improving, it was just his mood that was killing him and Danny.

"I know, its just, his mood swings. It hurts, you know? How different he can be on and off stage. Its like he's acting on stage, and the real him is the one we see." Danny admitted, nuzzling into my arms a little more. "yeah, but...wait, is Tom even taking those medication the doctors gave him?" I asked, I hadn't seen him take them once, or even seen the bottle for them either. "now that you've said that, I haven't seen him take them." Danny sat up a little, thought hitting him. "I haven't seen him take them either. Or seen the pack for them either." Dougie agreed.

"do you think he's just skipped over taking them? And if he did take them, he'll feel better?" Danny asked, he looked hopeful. "yeah, thats what they're there for. So, if we can get him to take them, he might cheer up!" I smiled, making Danny and Dougie smile too.

We spent a while trying to come up with some way to make Tom take the medication he was supposed to be taking, and we could only come up with was to just talk him into it. I could just tell that Tom wouldn't actually take it willingly, considering he wasn't even taking anything right now. Maybe if we tried talking to him he would accept it and just take them? Yeah, I still lived in hope that making Tom do anything would be easy. "we can at least try, and thats all that matters, is that we'll try." Danny encouraged, he was so hopeful that this would work, I think he was just so desperate to get his Tom back, he was willing to try anything apart from sending him to a mental institution. That would destroy the both of them...and Dougie too. And I was trying to keep little Dougie away from being hurt even more by all of this, he was already being badly affected by all the self harm and depression around him. I didn't want to make him even worse.


	129. Chapter 129

**xxPUDDxx - yeah i adored her so much at that age! and we'll have to wait and see what happens with Tom! xD**

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252 Dougies POV

Soon after finishing our conversation about the medication, it was show time, and it went brilliantly again. We had enough smiles and laughs to last us the rest of the tour, and having the greatest time, the three of us running on the high after having the idea about the medication hopefully helping Toms mood. Tom seemed to be in a pretty good mood too, he was happily dancing around the stage, pulling faces and doing the strangest dance moves that really didn't go with the song. It was exactly how he used to be on stage, if not just a little shaky, he seemed to have a problem keeping his legs under control. But, all in all, he looked fine, like he was really enjoying himself, having the time of his life, like he should have been. He deserved to be this happy, and I could tell it was genuine, because he looked, well, alive. It had been ages since Tom had looked alive and happy, bouncing around like he was high on caffeine and sugar. I hoped this continued into tomorrow, because we were splitting into twos to go do some signings or something in two different places. Me and Tom were together and so were Danny and Harry, I don't know why we were split like that, but, I hoped that it would go well, just so we could have a laugh like we used to.

The night passed quickly and before I knew it, we were being piled into two separate cars. Luckily, Fletch was going off with Danny and Harry, and Tommy was looking after us today, so we wouldn't have the evil eye glaring at us. "ready boys?" Tommy asked, we nodded quietly, "good, now don't worry, I'm not turning into Fletch. We'll have a fun day out, we've only got 2 interviews to do. Then we'll just probably hang out in the hotel, and do barely anything." Our manager smiled, driving off. I turned my head to look out the window, seeing Harry and Danny in their own minivan. They were already looking miserable, Fletch seemed a little less angry than usual, but I guessed he wouldn't stay in such a good mood for long. I waved as we drove off, already missing Harry, knowing I wouldn't see him for 24 hours at the very least. He gave me a hand heart and blew me a kiss, making me giggle.

I only turned around to face the front again when we drove so far away I couldn't even see the other minivan anymore, it was going to be tough to spend the day without my husband and my other best friend, but I was sure I could manage myself and Tom well enough. He probably was going to stay quiet all day like usual, but I wondered if he would try and talk to me, because it was only the two of us. At the moment, it didn't seem likely, because Tom had already pushed his earphones into his ears and had music playing, leaning against the window, seemingly in his own little world.

Tom stayed in his world for the whole car journey, he didn't say much until we got to the place we were being interviewed at, where he went straight into 'normal Tom' mode, doing most of the talking in both interviews, because I was mostly too nervous to say anything. I always was a bit nervous when I didn't have Harry around, he gave me so much strength, and a sense of protection, letting me know he would catch me if I fell. Without him I didn't have as much confidence, I was able to speak, I just didn't do it much. I mostly instead let Tom do the talking, listening to his voice, I had missed hearing it, I loved hearing his voice.

All in all, the interviews went very well, we managed to have a few laughs, and advertise the tour a little more, and all before 3 in the afternoon! So we had the rest of the afternoon and the evening off, to relax in our shared hotel room, hopefully now I could get some conversation out of Tom. "what you doing dude?" I asked, falling next to Tom on the sofa, looking at his hand scribbling over his lyric book. "drawing." Tom answered simply, shielding the book from my eyes. "can I look?" I got a head shake, "why not?" I continued, wondering why I couldn't. Usually, I could ask and I would have been shown it and told all the concept behind the drawing, because it was usually about space and me and Tom were the ones who knew all about space. No-one else really understood our fascination with it, so talking about space ending up being our thing, that we did together.

"its not done yet." Tom answered simply, in whispers, as usual. "well, whats the whole idea behind it then? Come on, spill!" I pushed a little, leaning closer. "its...nothing, just a stupid drawing." Tom shook his head, closing his book and shoving it into his bag, staring blankly at the TV. Tommy had put it on earlier, I had no idea what was playing, it didn't look at all interesting to be honest. I gave up with the drawing thing and flicked through the channels to find something interesting, finally finding The Wonders Of The Universe. Not even that got Tom talking or interacting, he just carried on staring blankly at the screen. I was determined to get him talking, one way or another, I would get him to talk to me, and just be human again.

253 Toms POV

I stayed quiet for as long as I could, trying my hardest to not look to fascinated by The Wonders Of The Universe, I had seen it before, I knew it all, why was it still interesting? And why was I such a nerd that I still found this interesting? I was trying to not be nerdy anymore, was that too much to ask? I guess I could have changed the channel, Dougie wasn't here anymore, he had wondered off to go do something, so I could have just changed the channel and resisted the urge to really zone out and go into full nerd mode, and start commenting on all these ideas that were being shown.

"Tom, I'm making some snacks, want anything?" Dougie suddenly came back in again, tugging on his headband. "no, I'm alright thanks." I shook my head, trying to look like I wasn't getting engrossed in the documentary. "okay, call me if you want anything!" Dougie went back to the kitchen area, I could still clearly see him making up a bowl of rice and tuna, well, struggling to anyway. He managed to get the rice in the microwave easily enough, but opening the can seemed to be proving a challenge, as per usual. Dougie had always struggled opening up cans, he could never really work out how to use the can opener, usually it was Harry who would come around and open up the can for him. But, now he was struggling because his husband was a 3 hour car drive away.

"how the frigging hell...ugh why aren't you opening?!" Dougie grumbled to himself, putting the can opener to different parts of the can, not finding the right way to put it on. I hated seeing him struggle like this, but I felt like I couldn't go over and help him, like I would be pushing in and making him feel stupid because he couldn't open things by himself. It was alright for Harry to do things like that, because him and Dougie were a married couple, and had always looked after each other, but I had never really looked after Dougie that much, I did a little when he was still a teenager, but not now. He was a grown man now, any help I gave him would not be appreciated unless it was asked for.

"mate, I can't get this thing open, don't suppose you could do it for me could you?" Dougie turned round, handing me the can opener and can. So, I did help him out and open the can, because it was asked for, making him grin. "thank you! My hero!" Dougie giggled, giving me a hug before going up on tip toes to kiss my cheek. It was so quick I didn't even have time to react, so his lips did actually kiss my cheek, right where my dimple would have been. It burnt a little, it was a weird sensation to feel someone other than Danny kiss me, for any reason, especially for something so little as opening a can. I mean, I only opened a can, it didn't mean I had to be kissed for it, it wasn't like I had done something amazing for him. "hey, don't look so stunned, come on, we're missing the bit about the planets!" Dougie yanked me by my hand back to the 'front room' part of the hotel room, plonking down on the sofa and starting to eat his snack.

I completely zoned out after that, so busy thinking about that kiss, I was sure that opening a can didn't warrant a kiss as thank you, in my mind, you had to earn kisses, and opening a can didn't really earn one. I didn't get why Dougie had kissed me, I only opened the can for him, why was I his 'hero' for that? Or was I just over thinking this completely? I must have been over thinking this completely, Dougie didn't mind kissing people, us 3 for certain he didn't mind. So it was a normal Dougie like thing, right?

I must have been thinking about this for hours, I didn't even realise the time passing until it was bed time and I realised that me and Dougie were in fact sharing the room. Luckily, we had separate beds, but, I didn't want to sleep in a bed, in all the hotels we had been in, I hadn't slept in my bed once, or even the sofa, I did the exact same thing I did at home, sleep on the floor. And, where was I going to get changed, without Dougie seeing the scars on my arms, or my thighs? He would freak out and realise that I was failing at stopping self harming.

"I'll get changed in here, want to get changed in the bathroom or something?" Dougie suggested, I did love his brain waves sometimes. "er, yeah." I hurried into the bathroom, changing as fast as I could, trying to ignore my scars, covering them as fast as I possibly could with clothes. Then I ran into my bed, chucking the covers over my whole body as fast as I possibly could, hiding from the world, ignoring the fact that I was not allowed a bed, or pillows, or duvets.


	130. Chapter 130

**xxPUDDxx - hmmm, Floynter might have a good day, you never know ;)**

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254 Dannys POV

Mine and Harrys day was pretty average, we just did a few interviews, mostly about the tour and saying that we were going to start working on a new album. Which was a pure lie, we were writing a few songs, but we weren't working on an album yet, I was refusing to start a new album until Tom was better. Fletch would probably kill him with the pressure he would put on the poor guy, I wanted to make sure that Tom was okay and able to take Fletchs anger first, before having him be put in the line of fire again.

"do you think I should phone Tom? Ask if he's okay?" I asked, I wanted to know how Tom was getting on, he hadn't been on his own with just Dougie in a while. Maybe he would feel the same feeling we all got when it was one of us with Dougie, to protect him, look after him, and to some extent, mother him. "he's fine, he's not a baby Danny." Fletch growled from behind the steering wheel. He had put such a downer on the whole day, I wanted to punch him. "shut it Fletch, text him, in case they're in the middle of something." Harry advised, sending a text to Dougie.

I did as advised and sent a text to Tom, asking if he was okay and if things were going well for him and Dougie. I never got a reply, and I would have gone out of my mind with worry if Dougie hadn't replied to his own texts from Harry. 'Toms alright, we're watching some space things atm. He was drawing, not anymore though. We're all good over here dudes xx.' Dougie had replied, with a picture of a smiley face attached. 'good good, we're alright down here. Fletch is being himself, but we're getting through. Miss you xxx' Harry had replied, letting me look over his shoulder so I knew what was going on. 'I miss you too, we'll be together again tomorrow. Love you xxxxxxx.' Dougie sent back, which started off a war over who could send the most kisses to each other, so I switched off a bit, wondering why Tom wasn't replying.

He was probably busy, or had ran out of credit, something like that probably. This was Tom I was on about, he barely did reply to texts, and didn't answer phone calls, it was nothing new. I shouldn't have been worrying like this, he was fine, Dougie would have phoned if something was going wrong, wouldn't he? "Doug would text if something was wrong, wouldn't he?" I had to ask, just to calm my thoughts. "yeah, he would. And even if he didn't, Tommy would." Harry nodded, still texting Dougie as he crawled into bed later on that night. "yeah, anything about Tom or their day?" I nodded to his phone, looking over his shoulder again.

"a little, he's just saying that they're going to bed now, they've spent the afternoon relaxing and not doing much at all, and Toms hiding under the duvet. He might already be asleep." Harry answered, putting his arm around me for a bit of comfort. I think he was missing having his arms around Dougie too, he rarely went a day without at least holding Dougies hand at some point, he always struggled being away from his little boy, I think he just wanted a hug from someone now. "thats good, at least he's sleeping." I hoped Tom could sleep through the night, and Dougie too, they really did need some sleep. The both of them were knackered after having so many nightmares each night, I hoped that maybe Dougie would sleep through the night because he had Tom near him, so he could physically see Tom was still there.

255 Harrys POV

I spent over an hour texting Dougie, I had missed him so much today, I just wanted to feel close to him. 'ring me, I feel lonely. :(' Dougie texted, I immediately rung him up, getting an answer almost straight away. "hey, whats up then?" I asked, realising Danny had fallen asleep on my shoulder. "nothing, just want to hear you. Like our normal conversations before we go to sleep." Dougie was smiling, I could tell. "ah, alright. Well, what do you want to talk about then?" I smiled too, moving to lay myself and Danny down on the bed, tucking us up in the duvet, hoping that Fletch wouldn't come in and shout at me for staying on the phone.

"I dunno, anything! You sharing a bed tonight or are you in separate?"Dougie seemed pretty happy, I was glad about that. "we're sharing, Dans gone to sleep. What about you two?" I replied, making sure Danny was comfy and that I wouldn't wake him up with my talking. "nah, we're in separates. Its alright, I'm a bit lonely though. I'm not used to laying in bed by myself." Dougie giggled a little, sighing at the end. "yeah, thats got to suck. Why don't you try and get into bed with Tom? You'll be less lonely then, and I don't think you'll have nightmares if you're with him." I suggested, hoping that it would stop Dougie having a nightmare like it did last time. And maybe Tom would feel a little better in his sleep too, or learn that it was okay to sleep in the same bed as someone.

"you think he'll mind?" Dougie asked. "nah, like you said, he's sleeping. Go on, get into bed with him, you'll both feel better!" I encouraged, hearing the sheets rustle and feet walking across the floor, then sheets rustling again. "hey, I wanna cuddle, that okay?" Dougie whispered, so maybe Tom wasn't asleep then. There was some shuffling and maybe a small whimper from Tom, other than that it sounded like there wasn't much of a bad reaction happening right now. "bl**dy hell you're cold!" Dougie gasped after a bit more shuffling, before I think he finally fell still.

"comfy yet?" I joked, when there was no more shuffling about. "yeah, we're comfy. Hey, give me your arm back, I wanna cuddle, which means you have to cuddle me too!" Dougie whined, I could tell he would use that cute face of his to his advantage here, so he looked cute and innocent so he got his cuddle. No-one ever resisted Dougies helpless little face, it was like saying no to Toms puppy eyes, impossible, unless you didn't have a heart at all. "alright, I think I'll hang up now Dougs, I'll see you tomorrow alright?" I thought it was about the right time to hang up, so Dougie could fall asleep before Tom had the chance to realise he was holding someone. It had been a struggle for Tom to let someone hold him, let alone holding his arm around someone else, I just hoped he still didn't have the heart to let go of Dougie when he saw the happiness on his face.


	131. Chapter 131

**xxPUDDxx - same here, i used to ship it romantically, but then Flones and Pudd turned up and stole my heart! now i just see it as a very cute bromance! **

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256 Dougies POV

I grinned so widely when I woke up, realising that I was still in Toms arms, my plan to practically lay completely on top of him had worked! Last night, after hanging up with Harry, I had made us move again so I was laying on Toms chest, my hands clinging to his tshirt as my legs entangled with his. And, because of that, I didn't have a single nightmare last night! That had been the best nights sleep I had had in weeks! Even though I knew both Tom and Danny were doing so well with stopping cutting, I still had at least 1 nightmare a night over them, thank god I got out of it last night!

"morning!" I whispered, nuzzling down into Toms chest, ignoring how bony he was. I got no reply and realised that Tom was still asleep, so I decided to stay where I was and enjoy the first hug I had had in ages, and enjoy the fact that Tom was peaceful in his sleep, he rarely seemed calm when he was awake. He was always either hyper on stage, or lost in thought, or worrying about something off stage. There were so little rare moments where he did actually seem calm and relaxed, he was always on edge, so I wanted to take a few minutes, maybe an hour or two, to enjoy his relaxed state now.

I actually got another hour and a half of relaxation with my best friend before he woke up, and not in a gradual way either. At first, I had heard a few whimpers and similar noises, thinking that Tom was just waking up, but within minutes, Tom had suddenly sat bolt upright, knocking me off him, heaving in breath. "whoa! What happened?!" I sat up too, carefully putting my arms around Toms body as it started to shake with tears. I knew this position quite well, but I wanted to ask anyway, not wanting Tom to know about my nightmares about him, scared it would make him worse than he already was.

"it doesn't matter." Tom whimpered, hiding his face in his knees. "yeah, it does. What happened in your dream?" I asked, knowing I was awful with cheering people up, but hoping that I could help Tom out a little. "nothing, nothing happened, I'm fine... I need a shower." As quick as a flash, Tom was in the bathroom, the shower already running. I busied myself trying to collect all of our things up, realising that I could hear Tom crying, he sounded like he was trying to muffle it, but to me, it was still clear, he was falling apart in there.

It suddenly occurred to me that this was probably Toms daily routine, we didn't know what he did by himself in his hotel rooms, this could have been it. How he was managing to not self harm was a miracle, I felt a little proud of him for that, to resist the temptation to self harm when he was obviously so upset over whatever was bothering him. It took ages for Tom to actually come out of the shower, there was no visible signs of him crying on his face, instead, there was the usual mask on his face, and all I could do was go over and hug him tight, telling him that I was here for him, he could talk to me.

257 Toms POV

Dougie insisted on hugging me the whole way to the next venue, he refused to let me go, at all. It made me seriously uncomfortable, but I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't have the heart to push him away, he was too small, he looked too sweet to push away, and if Harry found out he would probably kill me. "you really can talk to me, I swear. I won't tell anyone, I want to help you." Dougie whispered, leaning his head on my shoulder, squeezing my hand. "I'm fine Dougie. Really, I'm fine." I promised, though I was lying. I really wasn't fine, my nightmares was killing me, they were getting worse, last nights one had caused another 4 cuts on my thighs. My legs looked like they had been through a war zone, covered in cuts and scars. I was starting to run out of room, I was going to have to go over some old healing scars.

"you can still talk to me. To any of us. Dude, you can talk to any of us." Dougie wriggled impossibly closer, luckily, we drove up to the hotel at that moment, so I jumped out quickly. "Tommy! Aw I missed you so much!" Danny attacked me into a hug seconds later, squeezing me into his arms. "Dougie! How have you been? You have no idea how much I missed you!" Harry picked Dougie up and spun him round, holding him like they hadn't seen each other in months, not 24 hours. "I've been alright, I'm a bit tired though, we didn't go to bed until late! Wanna go to bed with me for a while?" Dougie sent Harry a look I couldn't decipher and together they ran off, disappearing into their hotel room.

"wonder what that was about. Never mind, come on, you have to tell me all about yesterday! I missed you so much!" Danny pulled me into his own hotel room, sitting me onto his bed. I felt awkward sitting here, so I moved away a little, wanting a bit of space. "so, what happened yesterday? I tried texting you, but you never replied!" Danny asked, grabbing my hand, playing with my fingers. "I-I, didn't have any credit." I lied, I hadn't even realised I had had a text, I had been so busy thinking about Dougie kissing my cheek. I felt so guilty for making him kiss me, I didn't mean to make him think he had to kiss me and hug me, just because I had opened a tin can for him. I didn't need to be thanked in any way, I just wanted to feel a little less worthless, like I was useful for something.

"ah, alright. Well, what happened yesterday then? Interviews go well?" Danny leant his head forward, giving me a loving look, smiling a little. "yeah, they were alright." I answered, looking down at my feet. "good, anything else happen? I heard you had the afternoon off, did you have fun?" Danny was talking to me like he was talking to a child, I was not a child! "yeah, we watched TV. It was fun, are we going now?" I answered, wanting out of this conversation. "we have a few hours. We're staying here for a while, while the stage is getting set up. Now come on, talk to me. We haven't had a proper talk in ages! Tell me, properly, about your day, about anything. You look so guilty right now, whats up?" Danny prodded, running a hand down my face, I pulled it away.

I just felt so guilty, it was all my fault that Dougie had kissed my cheek and hugged me all night, I had made him do it, and now I was pretending that nothing had happened again. That was all I seemed to do, lie about everything and pretend that everything was fine, when inside I was falling apart. I couldn't go on like this, feeling so much guilt for every move I made, I made so many mistakes, did so many stupid things. I just wanted to make people happy, and to be perfect, like everyone else, I could never achieve that, ever. All I did was wind people up, or lie to them, if the guys ever found out that I was still cutting, I didn't even want to think about what might have happened. It wasn't like I could stop any time soon either, I felt so guilty for everything I did, how could I just go and stop, all the guilt would back up inside me. I would drown in guilt and depression, I couldn't do that, it was better to get my feelings out in punishment. And right now, I needed to punish myself, for being so stupid and making someone kiss my cheek and hug me all day and night. And to do that to a married man, how could I be so stupid? I needed a punishing for it, though I had already cut more lines into my thighs already, I still needed to punish myself for doing it.

"hey, stop scratching. You'll hurt yourself." Danny grabbed my hands, pulling them away from my arms. "thats kinda the point." I whispered out loud by accident, I hadn't meant to say that! "what? Oh god, have you got some urges coming back?" Danny pulled me into his arms, holding onto my hands tightly so I couldn't scratch or anything. "no, I'm fine." I lied, but let him hold my arms before visible marks came up on them. Danny wouldn't get his reward for not self harming if I scratched open marks on my arms, I wouldn't be able to resist cutting in even more punishment for stopping his well deserved reward. "whatever you say, but just know, I'm not going anywhere, I'll help you through." Danny whispered, pressing a kiss to my hair. If only he could help me through, get rid of the guilt that was starting to drown me, but he couldn't, no-one could help me, I was a lost cause.


	132. Chapter 132

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - thank you so much! :D**

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258 Dannys POV

Thankfully, I managed to hold Tom close for long enough, so the urge he felt to cut lessoned again. I was so proud of him for letting me hold him back, and for trying to relax again, I knew how much strength it took to do that. "I'm proud of you, just know that, I'm really proud of you." I whispered, nuzzling into his soft hair. I didn't get a reply, and didn't really push for one, I was all too happy to leave Tom to sit here with me and hug, that was all the reply I needed. If I could have stayed like this forever, I would have, I felt so happy here. My boyfriend was finally in my arms, he had just managed to not give into self harm, I didn't want to cut either. Everything seemed almost back to normal for once, which was a miracle in itself, I wished for things to continue like this forever.

"I love you Tom, so much, I really, really love you." I whispered, pressing kisses to his perfect hair, hoping he would repeat those words. "I know." Tom replied at the same level I did, disappointing me a little. It had been months, possibly a year since I last heard Tom say that he loved me, it killed me every time I said it and he never said it back. That was all I wanted to hear, that Tom loved me, and when he didn't say it, I always thought that I had done something to make him fall out of love with me and now he was just too kind to break up with me. "do you love me too Tom?" I asked, wanting to see if this gave me an answer.

"yeah." Tom nodded hesitantly, wincing a little as I kissed his hair again. I tried to put that down to the fact that he hated touch, but, I was sat here with my arms around him, why would he be wincing at hair kissing but not writhing to get out of my arms? I was confused, and I wasn't sure if I should have asked or not. "do you like cuddling with me like this?" I went around a different route, running my fingers over Toms hand, noting how frail it was. We had to go back to the hospital soon too, because Doctor Young wanted to see Tom again, just to check up on him, to say the least I was not looking forward to that.

"yeah, I guess its alright." Tom shrugged, moving his hand away, untangling our legs seconds after I entangled them, "I'm gunna go to the bus for a while, I've left my book on there. See you later." Tom sighed and got up. I felt cold the second his body stopped touching my own. "I'll come with you, there's nothing to do here anyway while Harry and Dougie are talking about whatever it is." I quickly leapt up and followed along behind, wanting to spend some more time with him, we had been so close for 2 whole hours, I wasn't giving it up that easily.

Also, how could I leave him when hours ago he was scratching his arm? I couldn't just leave Tom on his own, I had to look after him, so our hard work over the past 3 weeks weren't wasted. So even if I was just sitting in the same room as Tom, it was better than leaving him alone on a tour bus full of sharp things. Though, there weren't any metal knives or forks. They were all plastic, so we couldn't hurt ourselves quickly with them, but, it was still better to keep an eye on Tom.

259 Dougies POV

"so, you're telling me that Tom is having nightmares that are making him cry, and you suspect that he ends up crying every morning?" Harry asked, I nodded, I had told him everything that had happened this morning, wanting to talk to someone about it. "yeah, thats what I think happens. He acted like I do after a bad night, only with more crying and less hugging for comfort." I nodded, running my hands over my lizard toy like I would with an actual lizard. "whoa, well I guess its a good thing that tonight is the last night of tour, and we're talking to him tomorrow about the medication, isn't it? From tomorrow, Danny will be with him in the morning again, so Tom will have someone with him all the time." Harry bit his lip in thought. He was right, tonight was our last night on tour, we had only had done 15 tour dates, so we didn't overwork ourselves.

"yeah, but I don't want him feeling like this! Tom deserves to be happy, on and off stage! After the tour, when are we going to next see him properly happy? Think about it." I worried, because the only time we actually saw a real smile on Toms face was while he was on stage, when would we actually see that smile again? "I don't know, look, we'll see what the medication does, then go from there, alright?" Harry suggested, tapping his hands against his knees, something he did while in thought. "but what if it doesn't help?" I asked, grabbing hold of his hand. "then I don't know. Maybe sending him to a professional? I don't know Dougs. I'm not good with things like this, I'm making it up as I go along. Just focus on the fact that its been three weeks since the last cut, okay? Just focus on the positives. What others are there?" Harry was clearly trying to distract me, like always.

"well, Toms eating more, I think he's put on some weight, which is good." I didn't mention that mostly Tom ate the things he didn't particularly like, so his least favourite pizza toppings, least favourite Chinese food, even when his favourites were there. "And has been hanging with us on the bus a little." I played along, playing with Harrys hands, realising how big his hands were compared to my own. "yeah, thats all good things. And we've got to come up with a good idea for a treat for both Tom and Danny." Harry squeezed my fingers, pulling me into his arms. "I know. I can't think of anything." I sighed, nuzzling into his neck. "neither can I, we'll think of something with their help though, I know we will." Harry encouraged, pulling me closer.

"yeah, I hope the medication works too, I don't want to send Tom to some professional. I want him home with us." I whispered, I didn't want to have Tom taken away from us, he was fine where he was, we could make him better, I was sure we could. "I want him home with us too Doug, but we have to do whats best for Tom. If keeping him at home is best for him, then we'll keep him home, if its not, then we'll send him to a professional. Anyway, not all professionals work in an ward or places where people stay, maybe Tom will be able to stay home, and still get the help he needs." Harry reassured me, running his hand over my back for comfort.

"that better happen, I don't be able to take it if Tom gets sent away." I whispered, gripping onto Harry so tightly, like if I held onto him and stayed in his arms, then nothing bad would happen. "I know Dougs, but think on the positive side, okay? Focus on tonight's show, he'll smile and be happy again. We'll worry about all of this tomorrow, okay? Come on, I think we'll be needed on the bus soon." Harry sighed, pulling me up and out to the bus.


	133. Chapter 133

**xxPUDDxx - thanks! :)**

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260 Harrys POV

The last show of the tour went so well, it was literally a perfect show. There were no mistakes in our playing, or any of the singing, hell even Danny got all of his words right! We had the best laughs on stage too, including a few Flones cheek/neck kisses, a few hugs between me and Dougie, and a load of jokes at Danny and Dougies expense. "guys, we're going to have to go soon." I sighed during my bit to speak, the crowd all went 'ow' at the same time, "I'm sorry, but Dougies got to go to bed soon. He's only little, he's got to go to bed so he has enough energy to do PE tomorrow at school." I laughed, seeing Dougies tongue as he stuck it out at me. "yeah, because of Doug we have to go after this! Boo Doug everyone!" Danny joked, getting the crowd playfully booing poor Dougie.

"well would you like it if I skipped PE tomorrow and played a few more songs then?" Dougie asked, getting such loud screaming I think I went deaf again. "guys, what do you think? A few more songs and have a lie in tomorrow or go off after this song?" Dougie turned to me, looking like a very sweaty, but extremely cute little boy. "I think we should play a few more songs." Danny answered, Tom agreed. "yeah, we'll just have to let you have a lie in tomorrow." I teased, laughing as Dougie threw a plectrum at me in retaliation. The audience were laughing along with us too, and there was another laugh, coming from the right side of the stage, that I hadn't heard in ages. It was Tom! He was laughing too! He was finally laughing with us!

It had been possibly 2 years since I had last heard Tom laugh properly, I just wanted to hug him because he was laughing, truly happy for once. I hadn't seen that much happiness on his face for months, the unrestricted laughter coming out of him, and for once, Tom looked free. Properly free, the weight he carried on his shoulders lifting for a few minutes. That freeness stayed for the rest of the show, the blonde bouncing across the stage like a dancer, almost running into Dougie a few times as he bounded back and forth too. It was hard to believe during that show, or any show, how much pain and suffering Tom went through on a daily basis. His emotional pain was unimaginable, what with the nightmares, and depression, and everything else. But I think he was in physical pain too, for the whole tour, Tom hadn't let Ryan, our physiotherapist touch him. Even when we was wincing in pain and barely able to move, he never let Ryan sort him out, just got on with it, even though we knew how much pain he ended up in without having any treatment. And right now, it was actually very tough to believe that he was in pain (I had seen him wincing and hissing in pain a few times now) it just looked like Tom was having the time of his life, enjoying every second of the last concert of our tour, which was actually quite good to see. I had missed seeing him happy and jumping about all over the place, grinning and laughing, finally being set free of the darker emotions that locked him inside his own head.

The show ended on a huge explosion of sound and screams, and the four of us chucking out as much as we could to the crowd, then racing each other back to the tour bus. I won, with Danny in close second and Dougie third, Tom right at the back, turning up in the bus 5 minutes later than the rest of us because he had walked. "that was an awesome show! Best way to end a tour! Oh my god I'm knackered!" Danny practically shouted as Tom climbed onto the bus, falling down dramatically next to me and Dougie on the sofa. "that was a good show, best one in a while!" Dougie agreed, pulling off his shirt. "agreed, I think I could sleep for a week after that!" I laughed, feeling so tired, but still buzzing from adrenaline at the same time.

"same, I wish the tour ran for another week though." Danny sighed, just about catching his breath back. "yeah, I'm going to miss it." I nodded, running a hand over Dougies side, knowing that in about an hour, he was going to fall asleep, after his sugar and adrenaline crash. "I am too, and it would have been awesome to perform again on my birthday." Danny made me remember that it was his 26th birthday in 3 days. "oh yeah, I forgot about it being your birthday soon!" I laughed, usually Danny got really excited for his birthday, and wouldn't stop telling us about it for weeks beforehand, this year he had been pretty quiet about it. "yeah, I did too until now actually. I guess it'll be good to just hang out this year, and not do anything at all." Danny yawned, looking at the bunk where Tom was hiding, his head was just about able to be seen behind his curtain cover. "gunna join us?" I asked, wanting him to come over and join in our pig out and talking session we were having. "no, I'm going to bed, night." Tom quickly turned over, and didn't say a thing for the rest of the night.

261 Toms POV

Great, I now had to think of a good present to get Danny for his birthday, he always got me the most perfect presents ever, I had to repay him somehow and at least try. But what could I get him? It was always hard to get things for him, Danny used to always like it when I drew for him, but now I couldn't do that. I had no inspiration, and I knew how bad I was at drawing, so that was out of the window. I was stuck for ideas completely, and it took me until the next day to even pluck up the courage to ask.

"Danny," I started, breaking his concentration from his game of Fifa. Even though I wasn't playing, I had been invited round, and I had spent the last hour and a half looking round for inspiration for birthday presents. "yeah Tommy? Sh*t! Lost the game! Ah man!" Danny swore as the other team scored, making him lose the game completely. "sorry, erm, it doesn't matter, go back to your game." I chickened out, I hadn't started a random conversation in ages, and it had been even longer since I had asked a question. It was probably a bad idea to ask while Danny was playing anyway, he loved Fifa, why did I try and ask him while he was playing?

"its not your fault, I was losing anyway. Whats up mate?" Danny asked, sliding onto the floor with me, looking at the side of my face. _Hide your face, you look dead you're so pale_. The monster inside my head growled, I did as directed by shaking my hair forward, like a barrier. "I was wondering...what do you want for your birthday?" I asked eventually, did that sound too rude? _Yes, it did, you idiot._ "erm, well I don't really mind, as long as you spend the day with me." Danny smiled, I think, I couldn't look at him as the monster that told me to rip my legs to shreds, told me this time that I wasn't worthy to look up. "why?" I ignored the monster, or at least tried to. "cause I love you, and to me, there's nothing more fun than spending time with you, like we are now." Danny put his arm around my shoulders, kissing my cheek gently.

"anything else? That I can get you, at all? I don't feel right not getting you anything." I pushed, just spending the day together, like we usually did, wasn't much of a present, it was better if I actually got him something, like he always did for me. "its alright, there's actually nothing I want. Nothing that anyone can actually give anyway." Danny shrugged, joining our hands together. "what is it that you want that no-one can give you?" I asked, maybe I could at least try and find something to help along with that? "what do you think Tommy? To have the whole urge to cause pain to myself to go, and for you to stop it too. I know we're doing so well right now, but, I hate that daily struggle, you know? Especially when things get tough." Danny explained, biting his lip as he looked at his own scars, they were fading away a bit, thank god. "yeah, I get what you mean." I sighed, I did at least try to fight that urge, but when I did, the monster came out and did the dirty work for me. I did try and escape it, it just never worked.

"good, at least I'm not the only one. So, wanna come to bed with me? We can cuddle and watch a film if you want." Dannys mood lightened again, pulling me up and taking me to his room, where we spent the rest of the day. We cuddled, watched movies, talked, and ate popcorn all day, which made me feel sick. I still hated the idea of eating normal food, I found it impossible to keep it down for more than a few hours. So while Danny fell asleep later on that night, I went to the bathroom and got rid of the things I had consumed throughout the day, feeling better afterwards. _Thats right, get rid of it all, you don't deserve it, you don't deserve anything. _


	134. Chapter 134

**thank you to Chelsea on twitter for the comment, and before I forget, I've posted a small SA on here called The Start Of Something Amazing if anyone is interested! :)**

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262 Dannys POV

The morning of my birthday, I woke up without Tom, even though he had fallen asleep in my bed, he wasn't in bed. It wasn't any different than normal mornings, but I still wished that Tom had at least tried to stay in bed with me, so I could wake up happy with my lover in my arms. "oh Tommy, can't you stay in a bed?" I sighed, crawling out of bed, wondering where he had gone now. I checked the bathroom and the rest of the bedroom, not finding him anywhere in either places. I wasn't sure whether to be worried or not, so pushed down any worry and calmly went downstairs, seeing that the front room door was closed. There was a note stuck to it too.

Danny, happy birthday! Please don't open the door to the front room yet, wait until we all come round. I've gone back to mine for a while to get ready, I'll be back round later. Go back to bed for a while.

Alright, that was interesting, what was behind the door? I was tempted to open it, but decided against it, not wanting to spoil Toms apparent plans. Instead I did as told and went back to bed, I was still cold, and my duvet felt so warm, even without a certain beautiful blonde to cuddle up with. But I still managed to go to sleep for a while, until the door opened downstairs, there were two sets of steps, so it was Harry and Dougie arriving. Within minutes they were on the landing, heading towards my room, they were giggling...oh god, they were going to jump on me, weren't they?!

As I predicted, I got jumped on seconds later, one heavy body and one tiny body jumping on top of me and squashing me against the bed! "guys get off me! You're f*cking heavy!" I cried out, shoving at the boys. "never! Happy birthday Dan!" Dougie giggled, okay, it was worth being squashed to hear him giggle.

"wheres Tom?" Harry asked, noticing there wasn't a self conscious blonde also in this cross fire. "his house apparently. He left me a note to explain." I handed him the note, thankful when Dougie rolled off of me and laid down on the bed properly instead. "hm, he hasn't said anything this week. Guess we'll have to wait and find out when he turns up." Harry shrugged, he had no idea what Tom was up to either, but really, when were any of us able to guess what he was up to?

I jumped when the door opened and closed again, this time the hesitant steps telling me that it was Tom. "Tommy!" I leapt out of bed, practically jumping on Tom when I saw him on the landing. I don't know why I was excited to see him, I just was, I was always excited to see him because I loved him so much. "happy birthday Danny." Tom hugged me back, making me grin excitedly. "thanks, I missed you this morning, where have you been?" I asked, clutching him closer, nuzzling into his soft neck. God I had missed being able to do that! "decorating the front room. And I went home to get changed and stuff." Tom answered, thankfully joining hands with me as I finally let him go. He looked beautiful today, even more beautiful than usual. Dressed in dark blue skinny jeans, his white long sleeve tshirt with the buttons on, and his black hat on his head. My god, Tom looked breath-taking.

"thank you, you look stunning." I whispered, making him blush, whoa, the blush made the pterodactyls burst into my stomach again. "I don't." Tom shook his head, the slight smile he had had on his face dropping. "you do, even more stunning than usual." I put on a smile for him, squeezing his tiny hands. Tom just blushed even more, and thankfully didn't argue, so we now standing stupidly on the landing, but I didn't care. I could look at Tom forever, and being able to stand close to him like this, holding his hands, it was all I had hoped for and more.

263 Harrys POV

Going into the front room we found that Tom had decorated it, with balloons and birthday banners. It looked incredible, and to think he had done it all by himself was amazing. "oh Tommy! It looks amazing! Wow, thank you!" Danny gasped, looking in awe around the room, like he couldn't believe that Tom could do this. "how long did this take? It must have taken hours!" Dougie asked, looking in awe too. "only 2 hours. Not that long." Tom shrugged, not meeting our gazes, but letting Danny keep his arm around him. "wow, when did you start? Did you even sleep last night?" Danny joked, taking advantage of his position, slipping both of his arms around Toms waist, pulling him in front of his body.

"about 7am, I think. And yeah I slept, don't worry." Tom nodded, looking embarrassed. "glad you did, this is amazing Tommy, thank you." Danny kissed Toms neck, and for the first time, Tom didn't cringe away. He looked uncomfortable, but he didn't cringe away, he was really trying today, for Danny. And I could tell it meant so much to Danny, he was grinning like he used to, holding onto Tom like he was the only thing that mattered. This was probably the best present Tom could have ever given Danny, a day of letting his boyfriend hold him and act like he was normal.

Toms behaviour stayed the same all day, he let Danny hold him and kiss him, and he at least tried smiling and acting human. We even got him taking pictures of the day, using his proper professional camera, which he hadn't touched in years. "Tommy, get in the picture!" Danny pulled Tom next to him, because so far, we hadn't gotten him in a single picture. "b-but I don't look good in pictures." Tom whimpered, the smile falling. "of course you do! And come on, its my birthday, and I want a good photo of the two of us." Danny pleaded, tucking a bit of hair behind Toms ear, kissing his forehead. "alright, just one though." Tom sighed, fixing his hair over his face again. "thats all I'm asking for. Can you guys take the picture?" Danny handed us the camera, wrapping his arms around Toms waist, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

Tom managed a half smile because of the kiss, making it so Danny was kissing his dimple, making the brunette smile even more. I took the picture, luckily remembering how to use the huge camera, smiling as it came up on the screen. Dannys grin got impossibly larger when he saw it, he was so happy to see the dimple and be able to kiss his boyfriend, to see he was trying so hard, and improving, even just for the day. And that picture was brilliant, the both of them looked so happy, like nothing was wrong at all.

"aw I like that one! Wanna have cake now?" Danny handed the camera back to Tom, keeping his spare arm around Toms waist. "yeah, alright." Tom shrugged, fiddling with his camera. "good, we'll go get it, you guys go make yourselves comfy on the sofa again." Me and Dougie ran to get the cake we had bought last week. It was a sponge cake, with jam and cream in the middle, covered in icing, spelling out 'happy birthday Danny!'

We put on all the candles, and lit them, carrying it into the front room, singing happy birthday. Tom joined in with a whisper, holding Dannys hand and his camera, taking pictures as Danny blew out the candles. Dougie handed Danny a knife to cut the cake, for a minute, my internal warning bells went mental, but Danny calmly held the knife and cut the cake, almost like he wasn't battling against self harm right now. Tom though couldn't even look at the knife, he kept his head right down, studiously fiddling with his camera with his shaking hands. We hadn't seen him with a knife in weeks, I hadn't realised that sharp objects effected him like this. "want some cake Tom?" Dougie asked, noticing Toms obvious fear for the sharp object. "no, no I'm alright." Tom shook his head, looking so scared, unable to take his eyes from the knife.


	135. Chapter 135

264 Toms POV

That knife, it was so tempting, it was right there in front of me, I could take it and run away before anyone even noticed. The monster inside my head thought it was a good idea too, as it started to wake up again, telling me to grab it. _Grab it, go on grab it. You've been touched all day, how disgusting do you feel now? Bet you feel really disgusting now, go on, get rid of it by cutting a few more times, go on! _It chanted, it took every single ounce of will power left inside me to leave it alone. It was too risky, I would disappoint everyone, and how could I ruin Dannys treat for being so good? He had been free from this for a month now, I couldn't slip up and do something obvious, wrecking his reward!

I sighed in relief when Harry took it away, after 4 slices had been cut from the cake, one for each of us, even though I had said I didn't want anything. I felt so sick right now, just like always, I had eaten way too much already today, I couldn't carry on. "feeling okay Tommy? I'm proud of you by the way, that wasn't easy, I'm really proud of you." Danny whispered gently, kissing my hair, managing to calm my nerves. "I'm okay." I replied also in a whisper, taking in a deep calming breath. "good, I love you." Danny smiled, wrapping me into his arms, pulling me so I was almost on his lap.

"you're doing so well today, thank you so much, for trying. You're doing brilliantly, you've made this the best birthday ever." Danny grinned as Harry and Dougie rejoined us, the three boys eating their cake slices and falling into a conversation about something. I was glad to have my camera, so I could hide behind that and just take pictures all day, it made a good change to be on the opposite end, to have complete control of the pictures being taken. It also meant I got out of talking so much too, because I was either changing the settings on the camera, or taking photos, or something similar. I was so busy with that, trying to ignore the freckled hands that were touching me all day, that I completely lost track of time. Before I knew it, it was time for us all to go to bed, seeing as it was gone midnight.

"well, we're off home. We still have to walk the dogs before we can go to bed!" Harry got up and stretched, hand entangling with Dougies. "yeah, we have to too actually, which house are we sleeping in tonight then Tommy?" Danny asked, getting up and shoving on a pair of shoes. "I dunno, your choice." I shrugged, it was Dannys birthday, he should be able to decide. "alright, we'll go to yours, your beds bigger." Danny decided, waving goodbye to Harry and Dougie as they ran off home to collect their dogs. We ran round to find Brucie and Ralphie, and gave them a quick run around out the back, letting them play fetch in the field behind all of our houses.

"I never had the chance to say this before, but, thank you. For making this a really good birthday, it was perfect, because of you." Danny grabbed hold of my hand, pulling me towards him. "but I didn't do anything." I lied, I had tried today, tried so hard to be more like a boyfriend. Danny had said he wanted to have his self harming urges to stop, and I knew that I caused some of it because I was so stupid. I had hoped that by acting a little more like a boyfriend, Danny wouldn't think about that sort of thing all day, so he wouldn't have to fight that urge all day. It looked like my plan had worked, which was the best feeling I had had all year.

"yes, you did. You tried to get a little closer to me today, and it worked, you made me so happy by doing that. You have no idea how happy that made me, just to see you trying and succeeding, it means the world, the world and beyond." Danny explained, running a hand down my face. _If you think that was a real speech, you're sadly mistaken, don't you dare believe it._ Again, my internal monster woke up, and, as usual, told me that I was being lied to. It had created itself during the tour, telling me after every song that I couldn't play, and couldn't sing, commenting on every note I sung, telling me that I couldn't sing. Then it started telling me that my face looked horrid when pulling certain faces, and that my outfit looked stupid, all the things I didn't want to hear. Now it just commented on every single little thing, telling me how things were lies, that my only true friend was a razor.

"I-I'm trying." I whispered, hearing loud laughter in my head. _Trying! Ha! You're giving up, letting me control you, you pathetic excuse of a man. _It laughed, I wished it would just shut up. "I know you are. And I am so proud. Honestly, I am. You deserve the reward we're having tomorrow, you really do deserve it." Danny smiled again, then his face split into a grin, "hey, don't suppose I could have 1 last birthday wish, could I?" he giggled. I nodded. "could I have a kiss, a proper one. I've missed them." Danny leant up, and I didn't stop him, I just let him kiss me, trying my best to make it enjoyable for him, finding it quite enjoyable myself_. Like this would ever count as a ki-_ the monster died away, giving me sweet relief in my head, at last.

265 Dannys POV

I almost passed out when our kiss ended, because, wow... I didn't know how to describe that, that was the best kiss I had had in MONTHS! "whoa, I think I lost a few brain cells." I laughed, feeling my knees weaken a little. "really?" Tom looked confused, he was luckily holding onto me to hold me up a bit more. "yeah, jesus I love your kisses, and I've missed them so much." I admitted, trying to pull my boyfriend even closer. "well, you can have another, if you want." Tom mumbled, blushing, he looked so awkward again. "of course I want another one!" I pulled his head forward, not exactly gently, kissing him like it was the only thing I was capable of.

This kiss was even better than the first, Toms kisses were addictive, they were the best thing I have ever experienced, not even playing at Wembley arena was as good as kissing Tom. They made the world stop spinning, time stop moving, nothing mattered when Tom was kissing me. We broke apart, almost heaving for breath, I insisted resting our foreheads together, making sure we stayed close, I craved being close after being far apart for so long.

"thank you, so much. Come on, want to go home? Its getting a bit cold." I shivered, the world starting to slot back into place, I realised it was pretty cold. "yeah, alright." Tom nodded, a small, nervous smile starting to appear. "cool, Brucie! Ralphie, come here boys!" I called, both dogs came bounding over, running straight past us and into the back garden, knowing the route so well. I laughed, slipping my hand into Toms, wandering back into my house, getting the dogs settled, before running round to Toms. To be honest, I liked his house more than my own, it felt more like our shared house, because there was a perfect mix of our things inside. Also, Toms bed with bigger and comfier than my own, so I enjoyed cuddling up close to him at night, it felt right at his house.

We went straight to his bed, didn't stop for anything, because it was now gone 2am. "ah, perfect end to a perfect day. Thank you, so much, for the whole day, you've made me so happy." I sighed, curling up to my boyfriend, interlinking our fingers. "it was nothing." Tom squeezed my fingers, shifting over so he had his back to me. "but it meant the world to me, thank you, so much." I whispered, kissing Toms tshirt covered shoulder. "are you happy then?" Tom asked, his shoulder was twitching a little, like he was trying so hard to keep it there. "yes, so, so happy. You've made me incredibly happy. Thank you." I smiled, running my fingers over Toms arm. "I'm glad." Tom nuzzled into his pillow, keeping a good hold on my hand.

"good, thank you so much for such a good birthday. Night night Tommy, I love you." I pressed one last kiss to Toms shoulder, nuzzling into his neck. "I know, night Danny." Tom sighed, disappointing me again that he didn't tell me he loved me too. But, I fell asleep happy, because I was cuddled up to my boyfriend, for the first time in ages, happy that he was letting me do this.


	136. Chapter 136

**adding again because i can, and because i'm riding on a high after last nights Wembley gig!**

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266 Harrys POV

At last, Dougie slept through the night, staying asleep the whole night, and if he did have a nightmare, he didn't wake up and just went onto another dream instead. I was relieved when I realised in the morning, smiling at Dougie, he was still sleeping, and he looked adorable. I had missed the childlike, calm, relaxed face he had whenever he was asleep. I don't think I could even wake him up today, I just wanted him to have a long calm sleep like he deserved. It had been so long since I had seen him like this, how could I wake him up from this moment, make him face the day?

I left him for another 20 minutes, then had to get him up, so we could actually go out. "Doug, baby, wake up!" I shook him gently, stroking his long fringe away from his face. "no, go away." Dougie grumbled, turning onto his stomach. "no, Dougie, you have to get up, come on!" I encouraged, only getting a groan in return. "come on, wake up or I'll bring in Adam." I warned, Adam was one of Dougies pet snakes, and it was huge. "go on then, see if I care." Dougie shrugged, hugging his lizard toy, again looking adorable. "alright, I'm getting Adam." I got up and wandered downstairs, carefully opening up Adam and Eves tank, picking up one of them, I still couldn't tell the difference between the snakes. Then I placed the lid on the tank so the other didn't escape, carrying whichever snake up to the bedroom, placing it on our bed.

The snake slithered up next Dougies tired body on top of the covers, making my husband smile. "hey Eve, come for a cuddle too?" Dougie giggled cutely, letting the snake wrap around his tattooed arm, "that plan sucked Harry, sorry." Dougie stuck his tongue out at me, thankfully sitting up. "d*mn it, well come on, its time to get up either way." I held out my hand for him, Dougie sighed and crawled out of bed, grabbing my hand, using his other hand to make sure he didn't drop Eve. Dougie refused to put Eve away until after we had eaten breakfast too, I knew he had missed his reptiles a lot, so I let him keep the snake wound around his arm and shoulders as we ate breakfast.

Finally, we managed to get washed and dressed, and round Toms house somehow before 12 in the afternoon. "hi guys!" Danny grinned as we opened the door, his hands gently holding onto Toms hands. "morning, you're in a happy mood." I commented, noticing how wide Dannys megawatt grin was at the moment, it was the biggest I had seen in years! "of course I am! Its the day after my birthday! Why shouldn't I be happy?" Danny grinned, kissing Toms cheek, making him give a small embarrassed smile.

"you shouldn't be! You kept me awake half the night!" Carrie butted in, hopping on one foot as she pulled on a pair of boots. "no we didn't! Don't lie!" Danny laughed, he was so happy he was practically bouncing on the spot. "yes you did! You didn't come home until 3am! And came in giggling like idiots!" Carrie argued, still quite playfully, but I could tell that she was pretty tired. "were we? Sorry Carrie, we were just really, really happy." Danny apologised, leaning his head on Toms shoulder, pulling him close. Tom barely held in a cringe, a small, tiny, noise of protest coming from the back of his throat, but nothing more. I had a feeling that yesterdays progress wasn't going to last long at this rate, he was already slipping back, the close contact becoming too close for comfort again.

"yeah, I heard and saw you two making out on the field out back last night! Oh, I gotta go, I'm meeting some friends in half an hour! Bye guys!" Carrie finished shoving her feet into her boots and running out of the door. "you two ended up kissing last night?!" Dougie practically shouted as the door closed. "yeah, we did, best thing ever!" Danny giggled, bringing Toms face round for a kiss.

267 Dougies POV

I was so tempted to start making throwing up and similar sounds to Tom and Dannys kissing, but I decided against it, knowing that it wasn't exactly a nice thing, considering that they hadn't kissed like this in months, and Tom had eating problems. Making throwing up sounds was probably not the best of ideas. Finally, the couple broke apart, both of them smiling, Danny more than Tom, but there was still a hint of the dimple, which was what mattered the most. I thought that maybe if this carried on, Tom wouldn't need his medication, because he was feeling better without it.

Me and Harry left them to it after a while, it looked like they weren't going to be parted for a while. "what are we actually doing today?" I asked, not sure what we were supposed to be doing. "we're having a meeting with Fletch later on, and then Tom and Danny are going out to the West End to see a show, for their first monthly celebration." Harry explained, grabbing food from Toms cupboards, setting some rice in the microwave, "and it looks like we're going out and getting Tom some more food in too, he's running out again." Harry continued, showing me the mostly empty cupboards.

"only cause you two keep on eating it all!" Danny quipped, stumbling into the kitchen, red in the face. "well who will eat it all while you're eating each other?" Harry teased, laughing as Tom and Danny blushed, Tom moving to hide a little behind Danny. "shut it! We don't eat each other, we kiss, there's a difference." was Dannys come back, his hands slipping behind him to Toms middle, awkwardly holding him. "yeah, whatever. How long until our meeting with Fletch about...what is it about?" I laughed, grabbing the spoon full of rice off Harry and eating it instead, receiving a hard slap to the back of my head.

"it starts in about an hour, we're being picked up at about half past." Harry explained, I think he was the only one who actually paid attention to Fletch at any point. "why do we have a meeting with him anyway?" Tom finally spoke up, from behind Danny, almost hiding behind the slightly smaller guy. "we're having a discussion about, er, I don't actually know. I don't think Tommy told us. He's just randomly called a meeting." Harry shrugged, continuing to eat his rice after handing me a spoon of my own so I could eat some too.

"I hope it doesn't take long, or we'll be late to We Will Rock You. That would seriously suck." Danny bit his lip a bit, leaning his head on Toms shoulder, managing to highlight how skinny the taller blonde was as he rubbed his face on the bony shoulder. "its set for 3 hours before the show, 20 minutes away from it, I'm sure you'll get there on time, if not a bit early. Don't worry about it." Harry reassured him, holding his strong arms around my shoulders, letting me play with his fingers. "we've never really run late before, and anyway, its probably about the tour and what we're going to do next. It'll be over soon enough." I smiled too, twisting the wedding ring on Harrys finger round and round, trying to find the shiniest bit, as the door bell rang, signalling Tommys arrival.


	137. Chapter 137

**xxPUDDxx - haha! sorry about that! and Wembley was amazing! i was really far back, but it was an absolutely amazing gig! there was so much Flones, Floynter and Pones going on, the setlist was amazing, the set was amazing, the boys were so funny as well, and it was just generally incredible! **

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - hmmm we'll see :P**

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268 Dannys POV

Within minutes, we were all bundled up in the car, hoping it was going to be a short meeting, so me and Tom could enjoy our first monthly reward. I had been looking forward to this since we had decided to wait to be rewarded, because I couldn't wait to go back to doing something that both me and Tom loved. I was counting this as our first date in 2 years, which was a reward in itself, and now we were doing one of Toms favourite things, going to see a show in the West End. He had practically grown up there, he loved everything about the shows, it brought back memories of his childhood, and he just generally loved this sort of thing. I hoped it made him smile, I would love to see him smile properly, and maybe even sing along too, I knew he knew all the words off by heart.

"what is this meeting about Tommy? And wheres Fletch?" Harry asked, breaking my fantasies of tonight. "Fletch is meeting us there, I didn't want him in the car with us while I asked you this and explained what this is all about. I've had a meeting with Darren and Richard, and we've decided that its best if we fire Fletch, today we're officially going to fire him. And we want you guys there too, to witness it, and to back us up. I think its best if we all stand against him, he'll go quicker that way, hopefully." Tommy explained, all of our jaws dropped.

"you're firing him?!" Harry broke the silence first, practically shouting. "yes, you've seen how angry he is constantly, he's putting the four of you down, which I don't want. I've seen how unhappy he makes the lot of you, I think its for the best to get rid of him." Tommy replied, I was still in shock. I mean, I hated the man right now, but could we really fire him? I mean, he was our main manager, could we really fire him? Or would that make things worse? "won't that make things worse? He could react really badly!" I asked, worried he would lash out even more at Tom, and blame him for the whole thing. "thats a risk we are going to have to take. Look, its for the best if we just fire him, he's not helping out in any way. I've done most of the organising for everything you've done for the past year, and he's just discouraging everything you do, and his reasons are ridiculous." Tommy explained, looking so sympathetic, he had seen most of the things Fletch had done over the year, I thanked god he was our side.

"what were his reasons for being like this then?" Dougie piped up, leaning over our seats a little. "from what I've heard him ranting about, he seems to think that everything 'bad' you do, you've done deliberately to goof off working. And that you're being attention seeking by this whole...harming thing, that you're just over dramatising everything. How are you coping by the way?" Tommy sighed, nodding his head towards mine and Toms thoroughly covered arms. "one month and 3 days clean so far. We're doing well." I ran my hand over Toms arm gently, kissing his hair, he was trying so hard, and succeeding, I couldn't have been prouder of him. He deserved this reward even more than I did, for sure.

"congratulations boys. Now come on, we better get moving." Tommy turned round and started driving us down to the offices were the record company was situated. I could only hope nothing bad would happen now, though I really suspected it would.

269 Toms POV

Fletch had a face like thunder the minute we walked in, he sent me a particularly icy glare as I came into the room, his eyes following me like a hawk. I squeezed Dannys hand tightly under the table as we sat down, really quite scared of Fletch at the moment. "it'll be over soon Tom, don't worry. Just think about the show we're seeing tonight, think about We Will Rock You." Danny whispered in my ear, rubbing my back gently.

"whats this about? Why have we all been called here exactly?" Fletch asked, I really didn't want to be here, I didn't want to see his face when he found out he was fired! He would blame me, he blamed me for everything, even when it was rarely not my fault, I didn't want to see him go nuts! "we've called a meeting because of you Fletch. You've been a little off recently." Darren started calmly, I think my heart started pounding. "no I haven't, what are you on about?" Fletch growled, his hands fisting. "you have been acting a bit too harsh recently. And you haven't been doing your job properly either, we've done your job and ours for the past year." Richard stepped in, sending us a slightly worried look. I couldn't even look up anymore though, I was getting so scared, Fletch actually physically scared me, terrified me some days. And now, we were right in his firing line.

"I have not been too harsh! What do you mean too harsh? Its their fault for being so pathetic and trying to wind me up!" Fletch pointed right at me and Danny, oh hell. "Fletch, we're not being pathetic, we just have some problems at the moment." Danny started talking, getting the infamous glare I usually got, making him shut up straight away. "yeah right, everything you do is to wind me up!" Fletch argued, Dougie sounded like he was going to start having a panic attack in a minute. We had never seem Fletch so angry before, even when we were younger and caused so much trouble he almost took away our contract for being so awful. Never before had he been so, so angry with us! He was fine before I ran away, completely fine, it was my fault he was so different now. If I had never have ran away, he wouldn't be so angry, I was sure he wouldn't have been so angry, everything would have carried on like normal, wouldn't it?

"no we don't! This time, we aren't trying to wind you up! We are going through some serious stuff okay? Don't you dare say that we're not, that this is just an act to wind you up! We're f*cking ill Fletch!" Danny argued back, holding his arms around me tightly. "yeah, right, you just can't control yourselves around razor blades, thats all. Just like all attention seekers." Fletch growled again, before Tommy butted in.

"okay shut up right now the both of you! This is not about the whole issue of Tom and Dannys problems. Its about you and your job!" Tommy shut Fletch up at last, giving him an evil look, "anyway, you haven't done your job properly, you haven't looked after these four the whole time you've been with them. You're working them too hard, you've made them all worse off than usual. So, we're letting you go." Tommy explained calmly, and everyone in the room held their breath, apart from Dougie, who was now struggling to breathe. Harry was desperately trying to sort him out, but it wasn't working, they had to leave the room he was being affected so badly by this whole thing.

"you're firing me? Over this?! Over 2 f*cking drama queens who have decided they can't hack this anymore?! Really! Tommy, I thought you had more sense that to believe everything these boys say!" Fletch argued, turning to look directly at me, "this was you wasn't it? Didn't get your own way again so you decided to get me fired, was that it? Thats just pathetic, purely pathetic. I didn't think you were like that Tom, I really didn't, you've disappointed me, deeply." Fletch reduced me to tears, I hadn't said anything to anyone about what he had said to me! I really hadn't! "I-I didn't say anything! I-Its not my fault!" I cried, feeling Dannys comforting arms around me, I didn't want them there, I felt so stupid for doing this, how could I have been so selfish? I had cost a man his job, just by being like I was. "I bet it was, you've just proved to yourself how low you can go." Fletch made the monster inside my head start laughing loudly. _Nice touch there, he thinks its your fault, he's right you know. You've cost a man his job, cause of your weak mind._ It laughed, almost cackled, making me feel so, so awful.


	138. Chapter 138

**xxPUDDxx - hmmm you could be right about that bad feeling... *innocent face* and it was amazing! i hope you get to see them live too some day, i assure you it'll be worth the wait!**

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270 Dougies POV

I hated this, I couldn't even breathe, there were black spots starting to dance in front of my eyes, my legs felt like jelly, I wasn't going to be able to stand soon. "Dougie, come on, breathe for me. You need to breathe." Harry encouraged, his hands keeping me on my feet as they gave way, "its going to be over soon, don't worry, it'll be alright, come on, breathe." He carried on, holding me to his chest. I clung to him for dear life, knowing I was going to pass out, like always. I could never handle stress, it always brought out the worst reactions in me. "breathe in time with me. Come on, deep breath in, and out again, in, and out again." Harry coached, and kept on until I could breathe properly.

I finally managed to calm down, still clinging to Harrys tshirt to keep upright, my legs were still shaking and black spots were dancing across my eyes, almost warning me that I could still faint. "shh, calm down Dougs, its okay. It'll all be over soon and we won't have to ever see Fletch again." Harry whispered, rubbing my back and kissing my hair. "please, don't let me go." I whimpered, nuzzling into his neck. "I won't, I won't let you go. I'll never let you go." Harry promised, just as the door opened. Fletch stormed out, slamming the door to the meeting room behind him.

"the lot of you are attention seeking little sh*ts! Don't think I won't now ruin you because of this!" Fletch growled, stamping off afterwards, and thats when my heart rate went up a notch. All that work to calm down went out the window, that glare he had given us, that glare was horrible, I didn't doubt his words at all, I knew he would almost for sure try and ruin us. "Doug, calm down, you need to calm down. Breathe Doug, breathe." Harry started up again, trying to calm me down, it didn't work, I ended up fainting in worry.

"Doug, come on Doug, wake up. Its over now, he's gone." Harrys voice woke me up, his hand shaking my shoulder. "eh, what?" I mumbled, half used to waking up after fainting yet again. I did this so much, I was used to the fainting a lot, so luckily it also didn't worry the guys too much. "you fainted again Dougs. But he's gone, Fletch has gone, its over." Danny explained, crouching next to my head, holding a shivering Tom in his arms. There were tear tracks on his pale face, he was trying to wipe them away with shaking hands, but it wasn't working. "he's gone Dougs, now come on, we'll get you home, do you feel sick or anything?" Harry helped me up, cradling me to his body.

"I'm fine, I think... oh hell, maybe not! I feel dizzy." I wobbled on my feet, getting grabbed by another sets of hands. "alright, I'll carry you." Harry carefully picked me up, scooping me into his arms and carrying me to the minivan, trying his best to not jog me too much, in case I felt sick. I didn't feel sick, I just felt tired, really, really tired, like I had run around outside for hours. I was put down in the back of the car, and brought into Harrys arms, his warmth was so comforting to me, I loved it because I felt safe in his arms. And right now, I just wanted to feel safe in his arms, like I hadn't just been terrified by Fletchs words, like I hadn't just fainted.

271 Toms POV

I felt horrible for what just happened, it was my fault that Fletch had been fired, completely my fault, if I hadn't have run away, he wouldn't have acted like he did and he wouldn't have gotten fired. I had gotten him fired, just by running away and angering him for being such a drama queen, making everything about me all the time. _How do you feel now? Proud of yourself? You've just gotten rid of the one man telling you the truth about yourself, nice going. _The monster inside my head was disgusted, truly disgusted with me. I hadn't known, I didn't realise what I was doing, if I had known that doing this made Fletch so angry he lost his job, I wouldn't have done any of this. I didn't think he would have gone like this, I thought he would have been like he was before I ran off, before I ran out of recovery time.

"Tom, are you still up for going to see We Will Rock You tonight?" Danny asked, breaking me from my thoughts. "y-yeah, I'm still up for it." I knew that I didn't actually deserve it, but I had to go, we had spent so much money on those tickets, and if I didn't go, Danny wouldn't either. And he deserved a reward for managing to be clean from self harm for a month. I couldn't just take that away from him, I had already taken away too much today. "you sure? You look a little ill." Danny worried, putting a hand to my forehead, probably taking temperature. "I'm fine, that was just...it was a bit nerve wracking, you know?" I nodded, shaking his hand free from my head, I didn't want to be touched right now.

Before I knew it, we were at the theatre, ready to watch the show. "are you sure you don't want to go get something to eat? Or you don't want to go home, its been a long day, its okay to want to go home." Danny asked for the 100th time, he had been asking that question every 10 minutes for the past hour, ever since we got here. "yes, I'm fine. Stop worrying about me, okay?" I told him one last time, when really I was anything but fine. I was hungry, but felt sick at the same time, my arms and legs were crawling for the bite of a razor, the monster was still cackling in my head, telling me I needed to punish myself for being such a screw up, that I didn't deserve this reward, I didn't deserve anything. I knew I didn't deserve anything, and the need to just carve into my thighs was unimaginable, I just needed, so badly, to cause pain to myself. But I couldn't, not here, not in public, not in front of Danny, unless...

I yanked my sleeves over my hands even more, covering my fingers, so as I put my finger in my mouth, it looked like I was just resting my head on my hand. Then, I bit, hard, on my finger, practically chewing at it, for the whole of the first half. It got to 5 minutes before the end of the first half and I broke through my skin, feeling a small line of blood start to trickle down to my palm, ah, that felt so much better. That would keep me going for a few more hours, until I could be on my own, alone with my razors. I couldn't wait for it, I was addicted to the razor, or at least the monster in my head was, I loved seeing the scars left behind. I loved seeing the blood pour down my arm or my leg, I loved watching it heal, I loved knowing that I was getting rid of my mistakes.

Though I didn't love that fact I was hiding it, or the fact that I had to lie about it all the time, I hated lying about it, making everyone think that I was getting better, when I really wasn't. It made me feel so guilty that I was lying to everyone about my so called 'problem' but it wasn't my fault, I had to cover it up so I could carry on, I needed to carry on doing this, the guilt would kill me if I didn't get rid of it like I did.

DANNY

The show was amazing, just like usual, and Tom seemed to enjoy it too, he didn't sing along like he usually did, but after todays stress, I wasn't expecting him to. But, I got a smile from him, which really did mean the world to me, so I didn't really care about anything else. And what made it better, was that I got to hold his hand in mine the whole way through the show, and play with his fingers, like we were watching a film at home, or on an actual date.

It made me almost completely forget about Fletch, and that he said he would get his revenge on us, and that tomorrow I had to take Tom back to the hospital for a check up. I hated the fact that Doctor Young insisted that I had to bring him back for another check up to make sure Tom was eating and the bruises had gone. I knew it would be a disaster and Tom would probably hate me for it, but I had to, I didn't want to get him into more trouble, or for him to slip up and lose more weight. He was already dangerously thin, and though he was putting on weight, he was still pretty small.

I fell asleep that night in Toms bed, wrapped up in him and the duvet, telling him that I was proud of him, that it would be okay in the end, though he had no idea that tomorrow he would be faced with more people poking and prodding and staring at him again.


	139. Chapter 139

**xxPUDDxx - hmm, they may be having a bad time :/**

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272 Toms POV

The next morning I was woken up by Danny, being told that we had to go somewhere, but he wouldn't tell me where. "Danny, where are we going? Whats happening?" I asked, holding a hand over my eyes so the light didn't burn as much. "nothings happening Tommy, I just want you to get up, so we can go somewhere." Danny smiled nervously, pulling at my arm to pull me up. "but where?" I insisted, making my body heavy so it was harder to get me up. I was sure that something was up, this wasn't normal Danny behaviour, he never looked this nervous, or guilty. "its nowhere Tom, I just need you to get up and come with me." Danny managed to pull me up, pushing me towards the shower. He picked out my outfit for me too, black jeans and a long sleeved white shirt, I had no idea what was going on at the moment, it was scaring me a little.

"Danny, really, where are you taking me?" I whimpered, opening the door after I had gotten dressed. "nowhere, its fine, just, come with me, alright? Do you want any breakfast or not, we won't be long or we can eat out if you want." Danny squeezed my hand painfully hard, pulling me downstairs. "no, Danny, seriously, whats going on?" I was getting really worried, where were we going? "it'll be fine Tommy, you'll thank me for not telling you, trust me." Danny pulled us to the car, almost pushing me into the car. Stay quiet, let him take you wherever it is. My inner voice told me, the same one that told me to cut.

I did as it said, staying quiet as we drove to this mystery place. I looked around to see we were driving near to the hospital, wait, what was going on here? "D-Danny, why are we near the hospital?" I panicked, getting very, very scared over what was happening. They're going to stare at you again, poke and prod you, like a science experiment my voice laughed, oh my god no! Not again! Please, not again! I couldn't go through that again! "I guess I better tell you now, we're going to the hospital again, because last time the doctors told me that you had to go back, to make sure that you were getting better. You really scared them last time, because of the bruises and stuff, they just want to make sure that you're okay." Danny explained, parking up outside the horrible place.

"w-what, why? I-I, I'm fine! I-I don't need to go!" I practically shouted, I didn't need to be here! I really didn't! I didn't need to come here, I was fine! "you do baby, you do, just this once. No more, its just to make sure that you're okay. And I know you are, so you'll pass with flying colours and it'll all be okay. We'll be done quickly, then we'll go home and curl up on the sofa, and not move from there all day. I promise." Danny pulled me closer to himself, wrapping me into his arms and stroking my own arm, not letting me go. "n-no! You lied last time! W-we won't d-do that!" I whimpered, knowing that my eyes were watering and that I looked a mess. They'll see your thighs, we'll be found out! The monster inside my head made me panic and freak out even more, my thighs couldn't be seen! I couldn't be found out! Everything would fail if my thighs were found out!

"yes, we will Tommy, all you need to do is stay calm, and it'll go so fast! I swear! I just need you to calm down and it'll be fine!" Danny carried on stroking my face, trying to stop me from panicking, it didn't work. I tried to writhe out of arms unsuccessfully, crying uncontrollably, I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I couldn't let myself be looked at, poked and prodded, I was not an animal! And I couldn't run the risk of my cuts being found, it would run everything!

273 Dannys POV

I struggled to get Tom calm and under control for what felt like hours, he really, really, didn't want to be here. I could understand why, after the last time when they had decided to almost knock him out and then proceeded to just pull him about and run tests without even running anything through with him or anything. "hey, hey, Tommy, shhh a minute. Listen to me, I have an idea." I came up with an idea, so Tom could still get checked out, to make sure he was fine, but hopefully he would be calmer about it. Seeing him so distressed scared me, he shouldn't have been this stressed out, just because he was going to a hospital. But I guess with his insecurities Tom couldn't be calm or anything when there was the risk someone would see him.

"I know that you don't like this hospital, but what if I took you to another one? How about that, would that be better?" I suggested, managing to hold him still long enough to make him listen to the idea. "no! No hospitals at all! Let me go! I want to go home!" Tom refused, starting up struggling again, managing to writhe out of my arms before leaping for the door, luckily I had locked it already so he couldn't get out.

"let me out! Please! Let me out! I didn't do anything to you, please let me out!" Tom cried, his head on the window, his bony shoulders heaving. "I know you haven't done anything to me, but, I don't want to let you out, cause I'm scared you'll run away from here and I won't be able to find you. I'm sorry Tommy, I know I should trust you now, and I do really, I just don't like the thought of you running away because you were scared." I climbed over to his seat, thankful that he was quite small so we could both fit on one seat, holding my arms around him protectively. "I-I'm sorry, I-It just, I-I, I'm just sorry." Tom stuttered, not leaning into my arms, but letting me keep them around him anyway. "what for honey?" I asked, stroking his arm.

"for running...and everything." Tom whispered, he looked so guilty again, I couldn't help but feel so sorry for him. Wait, did he just say sorry for running away? Who was this and what had they done with Tom?! "its okay, you did what you thought was right at the time, you weren't thinking straight, so its okay." I fought over the shock, the running away was honestly okay with me. I knew Tom wasn't thinking straight at the time, or now, so it wasn't technically his fault for it. Yes it had been the worst year of my life, but I didn't really blame Tom for it, I was already moving on and just focusing on the scared little boy I had in my arms right now.

"okay, I give up, I can't be asked to deal with the hospital and their judgemental looks, we'll go home, and maybe come back another day, sound good?" I gave in, thinking that maybe it would have been easier if I had just warned Tom first, so we didn't end up having to struggle against each other in floods of tears. "n-no, we came here, we-we'll go in and do this." Tom shocked me, what the actual hell?! "what? I mean, really? You sure?" I barely managed to control myself from shouting, this was...weird, even by Toms standard of weird behaviour! "y-yeah. Its a waste of time otherwise." Tom nodded, looking determined, but still scared as hell. "all right then, come on, just remember, breathe, they're not going to hurt you, okay?" I gave in, just like always, whatever Tom wanted, he got. I just hoped that Doctor Young wouldn't be too judgemental this time around.


	140. Chapter 140

**xxPUDDxx - hmmm could be :P**

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274 Harrys POV

The whole morning I had being playing my own personal game of 'keep Dougie distracted so he doesn't think anything is wrong' and it had been working pretty well. I had gotten a text earlier on from Danny saying he was going to spend today with Tom, so we were staying at home and leaving them to do whatever it was they were doing. I just hoped that nothing too bad had happened at the theatre, or when they got home.

Anyway, at the moment, Dougie was happily watching a random episode from the Life In Cold Blood series (from one of the vast collection of David Attenborough DVDs we owned) while feeding one of his bearded dragons, named Riddecka (we had thought it was a boy, turned out it was a girl, so it was called Riddick before Riddecka). This wasn't an unusual sight around here, because I was used to seeing this particular series of David Attenborough, and Dougie to be having one of his moments with his lizards while watching this series, because it seemed to fit in quite well. I myself was playing with our dog Flea, he hadn't been getting much attention from us recently, so I think he appreciated it a lot.

Flea was laying on top of my lap, letting me scratch his ears and generally make a fuss of him. He barked happily and licked my face as I gave him another treat, just for simply letting me play with him. "don't give him too many! He'll get fat!" Dougie warned with a laugh, putting down Riddecka in her cage, pausing his DVD, though he could already quote it, word for word. "no he won't, its only a special treat today, cause we haven't spent much time with him, isn't it boy?" I laughed, getting another face lick from the chocolate brown Labrador.

Dougie laughed as well, making me grin, I missed being able to hear him laugh, seeing him so relaxed and happy, I think we would have to take a few more days to ourselves like this! Flea took my momentary pause to run off outside, Dougie soon replacing his spot on my lap. "I've missed things like this." He whispered, wiping my cheek with his sleeve. "so have I, I've missed them so much." I sighed, resting our heads together, "do you want to stay home tomorrow as well? Or go out somewhere together? Maybe see George or some other family." I suggested, reaching out and taking Dougies hand, entwining our fingers together. "yeah, I would like that. Could we do that?" Dougie smiled, I nodded. "of course we can. Anywhere special you would like to go?" I asked, quite proud of myself for distracting Dougie from thinking about yesterday.

"no, anywhere...wait, do you think Tom and Danny got on alright at the theatre last night?" Dougie broke a bit of my pride, at least he didn't sound too worried. "yeah, I recon they're alright. We would have heard something by now if they weren't." I lied a little, knowing that Danny probably would have tried to keep things under control by himself, like he did at the last hospital trip, which he managed quite well. "you sure?" Dougie bit his lip, leaning on my shoulder a little more, his hand tightening around my own. "yeah, I'm sure. It'll be fine." I lied again, hoping it was alright over the road, but still a little wary, you never knew when something could trigger either Tom or Danny, so I hoped they were still okay, and not falling apart.

275 Dougies POV

The rest of the day was spent cuddled up on the front room floor, watching David Attenborough DVDs, glancing out the window 100 times a minute to see either Dannys car or him and Tom walking past for whatever reason. Luckily, around 4ish, I did see Dannys car drive past, and from the quick 2 second glance I got of them, Tom and Danny looked okay. So my nerves calmed down a little, and I went back to concentrating on the TV. And so we sat there, all day, only moving to either get food, to play with Flea, or to change the DVD. To be honest, I couldn't have really asked for anything more right now, so I fell asleep happily around 11, curled up in Harrys arms, feeling safe and loved, and most importantly, calm.

Waking up I still felt the same calm, though now I wasn't curled up in Harrys arms, now I was curled up in blankets without anyone else there. "Harry? Where have you gone now?" I called out, sitting up and yawning. "go back to bed Dougs, breakfast isn't ready yet!" Harry answered with a shout from downstairs. "okay thanks!" I flopped against the bed, feeling too tired to even move, the thought of a hopefully large breakfast on my mind.

I dozed for a few more minutes, and when I woke up properly, I wasn't disappointed, I was finally called downstairs, I found a fry up on the table. "oh my god, you are such a legend." I grinned, leaning up on tip toes to gently kiss Harry as thanks. "thank you, just thought you would like a big breakfast, you're looking skinny." Harry ran his hands over my back, poking my side. "I'm always skinny, you know that." I squeaked as his finger poked me, playfully hitting his chest. "I know, doesn't stop me worrying about you, go eat for me, okay?" Harry kissed my forehead and sat us down on the kitchen chairs, the both of us tucking in to our huge breakfast. I happily finished it within minutes, thinking that if today went on like this, then we would be having a great day like yesterday.

"so, are we going out today or are we going to stay in?" I asked around a sausage, feeding the other half to Flea as he looked up at me pleadingly. "its up to you Dougs. Whatever makes you happy." Harry answered, he always let me choose where we went, I don't know why, he just always let me choose. "cool, how about spending the day down at the park with Flea? He needs a good run around instead of just being walked." I suggested, Flea barked in agreement. "alright, we'll give Flea a run around for a while." Harry smiled, putting Fleas collar on, waiting for me to get my shoes on before walking, hand in hand with me down to the park, like we did when we first got him as a puppy.

"does this remind you of when we first got him and we took him for his first walk down here?" I asked, throwing a ball for Flea, laughing as he bounded over to it so excitedly he almost fell over. "yeah, hard to believe that was 4 years ago now." Harry rubbed my side, throwing the ball again as Flea ran back. "I know, everything was so much happier then." I sighed, wishing we could just go back to how happy we were then. Tom and Danny had been together for a year, Tom was over his eating disorder and happy, me and Harry had gotten engaged only a few weeks beforehand, everything had been so much easier then, I just wished it could go back to that. "we'll go back to that someday Dougs, I promise. We'll get back to it someday."


	141. Chapter 141

**woooo thank you all for the 200 comments, it means a hell of a lot!**

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - haha! :D**

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276 Dannys POV

I lay awake all night thinking about what Tom had said in the car, he had apologised for running away. Something I had never thought he would do, I mean, this was Tom we were on about here, he fully well knew what he did, and I hadn't thought he was sorry for it either. Well I guess he was, but why? And why would he apologise for it during that moment of all moments, just before we went into hospital? Wait...could he be apologising for running away so I was less likely to leave him there or something similar? I would never ever do that, but did Tom know that? Surely he knew that I loved him so much that I would never do that to him, but what if he didn't? I would have to let him know that he was loved and I would never let him be taken away, medical problem or not.

At around 10am, I got a text from Harry saying that him and Dougie were staying home, having a day together. I sighed, I wanted to talk to someone about this, to bounce ideas off, but I couldn't let him them not have a day to themselves, especially when they wanted one. We would be fine today, we would just...do something, whatever that would be, I had no idea. Whatever Tom wanted to do, and at the moment, he seemed like he wanted to sleep, considering that he hadn't even woken up yet, he still sleeping, his hands holding onto the pillow behind my head. I had moved him to lay like this after I had found him on the floor again when I woke up, he deserved a good nights sleep, on a bed, warm and comfy, held in my arms.

So, considering I was technically stuck (though I wasn't complaining about how I was laying in any way) I spent my time watching Tom sleep, not in a creepy way, but in a loving way, watching over him and protecting him from the demons in his sleep. Just as I thought that, Tom started whimpering, his head twitching. "no, please don't. Don't!" Tom whimpered, hands fisting around the pillow. "shh, I'm here. You're safe honey. Shhh. Go back to marshmallow land." I whispered, right into Toms ear, tucking his hair behind it. "ugh, marshmallow, Danny." Tom whimpered again, his head twitching even more. "shhh, marshmallows. Marshmallows and Time Lords, you're on Gallifrey baby, with The Doctor, you're safe." I continued, carrying on playing with Toms hair, calming his dreams down. "Doctor, marshmallows...peanut butter smoothie." Tom mumbled, falling peacefully back to sleep, his hand tightening in the Doctor Who pillow. I had changed it over a few days ago, tired of the plain white covers that had been on the bed, they were so unTom-like, I didn't like it at all.

Tom stayed asleep for a few more hours, before he finally opened his beautiful eyes, staring right into mine for a perfect second before he looked away again. "hey baby, feeling okay?" I whispered, running a finger down Toms soft cheek, watching him close his eyes and almost lean into the touch. "yeah, I'm okay." Tom answered, moving my hand, letting me hold his fingers in my hand, hopefully sensing that I just wanted to be close to him right now. "good, feeling any better now?" I asked, knowing just how bad all the attention the doctors affected Tom, he hated it, especially when they were judging him, saying bad things. He knew he was skinny, but he hated the way the doctors put it, the way they poked and prodded at him, like he didn't have hypersensitive feelings against himself. I hated the way the doctors treated Tom too, he was not an animal, he was a human being, and didn't need to be treated like anything else, especially by doctors.

"yeah, I feel better." Tom sighed, pulling his sleeves over his hands. "good, you were incredibly brave in there you know, I'm proud of you." I leant forward and kissed him gently, so thankful when I got a kiss back, a small kiss, but it was better than the nothing I was used to. "you shouldn't be, I didn't do much at all." Tom blushed. "yes, you did, you should be proud of yourself. I know its so hard for you to expose yourself in anyway around people, and you managed it yesterday, I am so proud of you for that." I encouraged, I didn't care that he had cried the whole time, and writhed out of their arms a few times, he had been so brave, and that was all I cared about.

277 Toms POV

_Don't you dare believe this, don't you even dare. You weren't good yesterday, you cried, you wimp, the only good thing you did yesterday was make sure no-one saw your cuts_ the monster inside my head hissed loudly in warning, almost growling. "sorry." I whispered, realising that I had said that out loud_. Nice going, stupid_. "sorry for what honey?" Danny asked, gently pushing my face up to look at him. "nothing, don't worry." I shook my head, getting out of bed. "where are you going?" Danny sat up, watching me walk towards the wardrobe.

"shower, I stink of hospital." I explained, I could still smell the hospital on me, the smell of cleaning products made me want to heave, and not in a good way either. "oh yeah, I better do that too." Danny got up and followed me to the wardrobe, letting me have the first shower, though he did come into the bathroom as I showered, almost giving me a heart attack. "w-why are you in here?" I whispered, glancing at the razorblade I had gotten out before I had gotten in, just in case. "cleaning my teeth, don't worry, I'm not getting in with you if you don't want me too." Danny shrugged, starting to clean his teeth. _He will never want to shower with you, don't ever think he would_. The monster warned again, it commented on so many things Danny said and did, on what everyone said and did around me, it never, ever shut up! It only ever shut up for a few seconds when me and Danny kissed, but as soon as we broke apart, it was back again, laughing, taunting, telling me that I shouldn't be kissing people, I didn't deserve it, I didn't deserve _anything._

"o-okay, I, er..." I trailed off, how was I going to get out with the razor and not let Danny see it? _We're screwed now buddy, good luck getting out of this_. Again, the monster supplied unhelpfully. "don't worry, I'll turn round when you get out, I know you don't like being looked at much." Danny said around his tooth brush, his voice muffled. "thanks." I breathed a sigh of relief, I could hide it easily in my towel, or in my hand now! "don't mention it, just tell me when you're getting out." Danny shrugged, I waited until he had finished by the sink, and he went back into the bedroom for something.

I jumped out and threw the razor in the bin, underneath some other things, wrapping a towel round my waist, quickly hiding the secret cuts on my thighs. I may have loved them, but they were secret, private, the thing that could break me. If people found out, I was done for, I would be made to stop, and I would not cope with just the monster inside my head, constantly chanting that I was worthless, telling me to cut constantly.

"Tommy, are you out the shower yet?" Danny called through the door, making me jump. "yeah, er, where are you?" I asked, how could I get dressed without Danny seeing me in anyway before I covered up again? "in the wardrobe, I'll be out in a minute." Danny shouted, hm, another loop hole. "could you stay there a few minutes? While I get dressed?" I poked my head out the door, looking at the curly haired man across the room. "yeah, sure. Mind if I borrow one of your tshirts? All of mine are in the wash!" Danny blushed a little, ducking back into the wardrobe. "alright, take what you want." I hurried to get dressed...wait, Danny had clothes here, when I was in the wardrobe, I had seen at least 4 of his tshirts, why was he borrowing my own? Even my voice wasn't telling me anything, even he didn't have an answer. _Don't ask, just...let him do this, see how this unfolds. _It advised instead, guiding my fingers to do up most of my shirt buttons, not leaving a bit of chest on show below the neck.

"cheers, I'll just be a few minutes, go down and have some breakfast, alright?" Danny bounded past, stopping to kiss my cheek, before bouncing into the shower.


	142. Chapter 142

**first half of my exams are over! wooohooo! i only have 3 more left in two weeks and then i should be free until September to update all the time!**

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278 Dougies POV

I awoke late after two long lazy days, not really caring what time it was or anything, too happy to just lay in bed and not move for a while longer. Looking at the clock, I realised it was only 9am, so it wasn't actually late, maybe I could get a few more hours sleep? I liked that idea, a lot, so I curled up again, resting on my husbands chest, my multicoloured arm resting on his abs, holding him close.

I started dreaming as I fell asleep, about when everything was still good, and we were on tour, belting out some awesome tunes. Tom was laughing, he didn't have scarred arms, and neither did Danny. We were all so happy, so, so happy, why did everything go wrong? Why couldn't everything be happy again? I knew that things were on the up again, but would it last like that? I didn't know, and to be honest, I was scared too, even my dream had a slight edge to it, scars slowly appeared on Tom and Dannys arms, Toms skin got paler and paler, he deflated more and more until he was barely holding himself up. Why wasn't I allowed one good nights sleep? I just wanted to escape my troubles at night, I didn't want to be followed like this!

"Dougs, Dougie wake up, you're dreaming again." Harry shook me awake, stroking my hair gently as I woke up. "I hate dreams." I groaned, lifting my head up then let it fall back down again. "I know you do, they'll get better soon though. I'm sure they'll get better eventually." Harry sighed, tangling his fingers into my long hair, brushing it and sorting it so it was neater on my head. "I hope they do. I hate this." I grumbled, I really did hate this, I just wanted to have a full nights sleep, just once. No nightmares, no dreams, just relaxing, safe, sleep.

"I do too, and we will make them better, I swear we will make them better." Harry reassured me, rubbing my bare back, letting me climb almost on top of him. "but how?" I asked, pressing myself close to Harrys body, nuzzling into his neck. "well, your nightmares are caused by the stress of thinking of Tom and Danny, so if we get them better, then your nightmares will hopefully go away because you won't be stressing out anymore." Harry explained, playing with my hair and kissing my nose, something that always helped calm me down. "I hope so, I really do. I hate these nightmares." I leant into him, so glad to feel his safe, strong arms around me.

"I hate them too. Look, how about we go round Tom and Dannys now, we'll probably end up watching a film together and you can fall asleep again there. You know you sleep easier when you're around the others." Harry suggested, running his fingers over my back, tracing patterns and shapes over it, making me shiver. "yeah, alright." I agreed, reluctantly getting up, but dragging Harry to the shower with me, I wasn't going to go anywhere on my own, I wanted to be together.

279 Harrys POV

I stayed with Dougie as he got ready that morning, letting him pull me close and make me hold him, I didn't mind really, I loved hugging Dougie, it was one of my favourite things to do. And when it was making him feel better, how could I possibly refuse holding the cute little boy in my arms? I couldn't, not ever, not when it made him feel a little better.

I even had to hold Dougie close when we wandered down the road to Tom and Dannys, he made me piggy back him down the road, his arms and legs tight around my shoulders and hips. "hey! Dougie, why are you on Harrys back?" Carrie answered the door, laughing a little. "I'm tired!" Dougie yawned, nuzzling into my neck. "he is, and what Captain Dougwash commands, he gets." I joked, heaving Dougie up a little more, hearing him yawn. "aw, well, he can doze for a while until Tom and Danny wake up, they're still getting ready at the moment." Carrie laughed, letting us in properly. I dropped Dougie down on the sofa, hearing him whine loudly as I stood back up again. "no! You're warm! I wanna cuddle! Come back!" he whined, yanking on my shirt until I sat down. "alright, I was only going to sit down too, don't worry." I pulled Dougie onto my lap, letting him curl up in my arms, pulling my large hoodie around him so we were both encased in it.

"I feel safer now." Dougie whispered, almost silently. "good, just wait a while longer alright? Cause then maybe we can all curl up together." I smiled, I couldn't help it, Dougie looked so sweet as he curled up to me, he looked so relaxed and calm again. It was the best thing to see him so calm after he had looked so distressed before he woke up this morning. I missed being able to see him sleeping soundly, curled up on his side, looking so cute I just wanted to pick him up and mother him like you would with a baby. I couldn't wait for him to fall asleep when Tom and Danny around, because then he would sleep properly, because he could hear them talking and moving about, subconsciously that would stop his nightmares for a while.

We didn't have to wait long, Tom and Danny appeared downstairs within about half an hour, still in their pyjamas. Danny hadn't even bothered to brush his hair, it was still all over the place, sticking up in weird tufts of curls. Tom had made of an effort by the looks of things, he had at least brushed his hair before shoving a beanie hat over the top, and pulled on his Jedi dressing gown, which he hadn't worn in ages. The smile of Dougies face (because he had bought it for him 2 years ago) was the biggest I had ever seen, his eyes completely disappeared.

"you're in your dressing gown!" Dougie almost bounced, seemingly gaining a bit of energy. "er, yeah, I was cold and...yeah." Tom blushed a little, pulling at the huge piece of material self consciously. "good job I found it yesterday then isn't it? Otherwise you would have frozen!" Danny smiled, leading the small blonde onto the sofa by gently pulling his hips, his hands almost wrapping around said bones and meeting in the middle. "yeah, thanks." Tom sighed, falling silent again, curling up on the sofa, for the first time in ages. Then I noticed that Danny had his hands still on Toms side, keeping him on the sofa, not letting him move away. Neither seemed to really mind about the contact, which was a change, at least they looked relaxed for once, relaxed enough for Dougie to feel calm enough to at least snooze.

The small boy curled up on my lap properly, making himself comfy against my chest. I ran hands through his hair to calm him down more, feeling Dougies body relax, inch by inch, until he was almost like a floppy doll, like Toms Mickey Mouse. "sleep tight Dougs, we'll all be here, don't worry. You won't have nightmares today." I whispered, kissing his forehead. Dougie smiled a little and fell limp against me, falling asleep in my arms, holding my jacket in his hand.


	143. Chapter 143

**xxPUDDxx - psychology didn't go too badly, but the chemistry i've definitely failed again! and don't stress out about it, they're just exams that can always be resat if you don't do as well as you hope, plus stressing about it only makes it worse, just breathe and everything will be okay! :D**

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280 Dannys POV

I don't think I had seen Harry smile as widely as he was since his wedding day, he was looking lovingly at Dougie as he slept in his arms, he did look cute, I will admit, but not as cute as Tom this morning. I had woken up before him again, and just, wow, how was I ever lucky enough to wake up to the sight of Toms beautiful face? He had looked beautiful, the light shining on his face gently, his hair in odd, random tufts, his little hands holding onto my own. He still looked perfect now, wrapped up in his dressing gown, his little tattooed feet just about able to be seen. Our hands were joined for once too, I had sparks flying up my arm at the contact, it was perfect. This was setting up to be a good morning, like yesterdays. Me and Tom has spent yesterday curled up on the sofa, just relaxing and watching a few films, and I had actually been able to hold him, I never got to hold him usually, being able to hold Tom was the best feeling, like everything was okay in the world, and nothing would ever go wrong again. I loved it.

Our week carried on in the same way too, we managed to sit around and relax for days, enjoying our time off. We were calm and relaxed like usual, doing a few practises for when we were going back to doing a few performances, but mostly we sat around and hugged all day...no change from usual there then. We only really started moving again when we went out for a band meeting, discussing what was happening for the next few weeks. It was being held at a restaurant, and I was quite worried for Tom, because he never ate in front of people, and he almost never went near food in public, how was he going to handle this one?

"are you alright at the moment?" I asked in the car, running a hand over Toms shaking back, holding onto his hand for support. "yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Tom nodded. "you're shaking, and because you don't usually like eating around people." I answered simply, running my fingers over his hand. "I'm just cold, I'll be fine." Toms shakes calmed a little at my touch, he eyes almost trained on our hands. "want my jacket then?" I went to take it off. "no, you keep it, I'll be fine." Tom declined, pulling his long sleeves down over his hands. I knew he was lying about being cold, because it wasn't that cold outside, and he had two tshirts and a jumper on, he couldn't possibly be cold, compared to the rest of us who were just in tshirts.

We pulled up to the big fancy restaurant, Tommy got out first, making sure that our other managers were there before we got out too. "if you're sure, but, good luck with trying to eat in front of people, you'll be fine I'm sure." I had to give him a little bit of encouragement, gently kissing Tom before getting out, leading him to the table our remaining management were sitting at. The four of us sat down, exchanging a few nice words before getting down to business.

"so, now that Fletch is gone hopefully we can get some work done. So, we've got you some interviews over the next few weeks, and a couple of photoshoots, like usual. Also, are we going to start making a new album soon or are we leaving it even longer?" Darren explained, looking through his menu. "er, alright, and that depends. We only have a few songs that we could use, and not many other ideas." Harry covered, obviously noticing that I really didn't know how to answer that. I didn't want to make another album yet, I didn't think Tom was ready, I wanted him to get better first before we wrote an album. The pressure from writing and recording, then promoting was horrible, how could we let Tom in for that when he couldn't even eat in front of people without shaking? He was shaking so much right now, it scared me, it was like he was trembling so much he would end up physically crumbling away, like a building in an earth quake.

"breathe Tommy, no-ones looking at you, its fine." I whispered gently in his ear, taking the menu out of his hands, holding them in my own instead. "I-I'm fine." Tom stuttered, looking me in the eye for once, he looked terrified, even more terrified then he did before our first ever show.

281 Toms POV

_Everyone is looking at you, they'll think you're a pig!_ The monster inside my head screamed, panicking just as much as I was. I couldn't do this, I couldn't just sit here like a normal person and eat with people, it wasn't right! How could I do this?! I would eat too much, too nicer food! I wasn't worthy of it! And I would get bigger, and everyone would take the mick out of me for the rest of my life. _They will hate you._

"you're not fine though, are you? Do you need a breather?" Danny asked, running his fingers over my clean arm, luckily talking in whispers, so more attention wasn't drawn to myself. Thank god Fletch wasn't here, he would have killed me for doing this. "n-no, I'm fine." I shook my head, willing my voice to not shake, it didn't work. "you sure? I can come with you if you need some time to breathe." Danny linked our fingers together, squeezing my hand gently, paying me so much unneeded attention. I was fine, just a little panicky, that was all, I was going to be alright. _Don't go outside, you'll gain more sympathy, you don't need sympathy. You can't bring more attention to yourself. _The monster warned, almost taking me over and rooting me to the chair. "I'm sure. I'll be okay." I shot a fake half smile at Danny, moving my hand out of his own, not wanting to though, I wanted to hold onto his hand until I felt better, which wouldn't be until after the meal. And I was right handed, and he was left handed, I couldn't hold his left hand, he wouldn't be able to eat. I couldn't do that to him, ever, I just couldn't.

"alright, but if you need it, we can go outside together. No-one will mind, they're not like Fletch, they'll understand." Danny leant in to kiss me, then thought the better of it, awkwardly stroking my hair instead. _See, you haven't even eaten yet, he's already disgusted. Nice job soon-to-be-fatty_. I was started to hate being mocked all day, for everything, but, the monster was speaking the truth, and I couldn't do anything about it, just listen to it and believe every word. _Thats right, I'm always right, you must listen to me, no-one else. _It laughed, proving it was the boss over me.

All too soon, the food we had ordered arrived, and everyone tucked in, Darren announcing this whole meal was on him. If I didn't eat anything, it would be a waste of his money, I couldn't do that to him, I didn't want another angry manager. I had to eat something...in front of people...half of which controlled our careers. Oh...cr*p. I reluctantly picked up my fork in my shaking hand, stabbing it through a roast potato, picking up the sharp knife and cutting it in half. It was right next to the steak knife, it was really, really sharp, and shiny. I liked sharp, shiny blades, they made the best, deepest cuts on my thighs. _No, not here. At home, when you really need punishing. You haven't finished making mistakes yet._

I felt sick as I ate the first bite, but at the same time, my mouth watered uncontrollably, my GOD food was nice, food was...heaven. It was like eating the best meal of your life, I wanted more but wanted to throw up at the same time. I wasn't worthy of this, I hadn't eaten anything like this in a year, I could barely eat packets of crisps, and that was only with the promise of being able to throw it up later on, but this, this was too nice. Too much like my old life, like the life I led where I was lied to and thought way too highly of myself. I was nothing, I couldn't have this, no matter how much my stomach rumbled, crying out for this, I couldn't eat this. It was far out of my league, so far out of it, it was in another universe.

_Don't you dare cause a scene by crying, or running off. Don't you even dare do that! Stay right there, and stare at it, go on, stare at it, remind yourself you're not worth it, and if you do eat it, you're throwing it up later. And expect a lot of new cuts, and they'll be deep._ The monster hissed, the tears filling up in my eyes. "Tommy, are you okay?" Danny broke me from my deep inner beating from the monster, his hand on my back, feeling so warm and safe. "y-yeah, just, its a bit hot." I lied, wiping away the tears. "you sure? You're looking a little ill." Harry joined in, making me realise that everyone was staring at me, literally, there were 6 sets of eyes staring at me, and that was just on this table. Who knew how many else were staring at me across the room? "I'm fine, really." I lied again, maybe if I said it enough times, everyone, including myself, would start to believe it. "alright, if you're sure. I'm proud of you Tommy, remember that, I'm proud of you. And I love you, no matter what you do, I love you." Danny smiled a little, rubbing my back, making me feel worse. He was saying he was proud of me and that he loved me just so I could sit here and act normal, not what I was actually was, a worthless, stupid, piece of cr*p that let a voice inside their head control them. Why did he have to try so much to make me feel better all the time? I just wanted to be left alone in moments like these, there wouldn't be such a problem if I was on my own right now. But no, everyone was here, I couldn't stop this encouragement, not even if I tried, and I felt so sick because of it. I wished I didn't feel sick, but I couldn't stop it, I felt so sick. And it didn't stop, not until we got home, 4 hours later, after I had managed to shove a few things down my throat, to show willing.

But when we got home, I sent Danny home for a few hours, thanking my lucky stars that Carrie was out too, so I could make myself feel better. I threw up almost violently into the toilet, ridding myself of every ounce I had consumed throughout the day, trying to forget how it had tasted, how much I wanted it. I wanted everything and could have nothing, I wasn't worth a single bite of what I had eaten tonight, and I had to be punished...8 lines into my skin later and I still didn't feel better, just woozy. All I could do was try to bandage myself up and make the place look presentable again, before I collapsed onto the floor, feeling worthless, wishing I could fall through the floor and never come back.


	144. Chapter 144

**xxPUDDxx - ah it definitely didn't, i've taken this exam 4 times now and failed 3 in a row, never getting more than a U. i still don't think i've passed! and no, Tom really isn't having any luck on the getting better front :/ **

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282 Harrys POV

Tom managed quite well to be honest that evening, he hadn't eaten or been around food when he was with anyone in months, this had to be a bit of an improvement. At least he had tried to eat something, which was a start, and he had managed to eat something, so we were all very proud of him. Danny was especially pleased, he looked like a proud parent, praising Tom the whole way home, though I think it fell on deaf ears. Tom seemed to be quite distressed in the car on the way home, staying in a curled up little ball, tugging on the hair falling out of his beanie hat.

"Tommy, I'm so proud of you, you have no idea! I am so proud, we all are!" Danny grinned, hugging the boy, making him whimper loudly, his fingers still scrabbling for his hair to pull. "no, baby, don't pull your hair! It'll hurt." Danny pulled Toms hand away, holding them in his own, the freckles over his hands making Toms hands look even paler. "are you okay Tom?" Dougie asked, leaning over the seat, biting his lips to shreds. There was small nod from the skeletal blonde. "feel sick." Tom whispered as the car pulled up on our street.

"aw baby, want me to carry you inside then?" Danny offered, running a hand over Toms back gently. "n-no, just, leave me alone, I-I want to be alone." Tom stumbled out of the car, chewing his sleeve viciously. "alright, I'll give you an hour or two. I'll be back round around 10ish." Danny replied, steadying his boyfriend, keeping his hands on his matchstick arms. "n-no, let me be alone all night! I want to be alone all night!" Tom shook his head, looking so panicky, like he wanted to tear his hair out. "no, I'm sorry, I'm not leaving you all night. You went through something big tonight, and you feel ill, I'm not leaving you alone for too long." Danny shook his head, stroking Toms cheek, well trying, Tom wouldn't let him.

"its for the best Tom, just to have someone there, we'll all feel better if you're with someone." I could feel Dougie start to breathe heavily, I needed to calm him and Tom down now before one of them ended up passing out. "fine, whatever, just...give me a few hours, alright? Just, let me be alone a few hours!" Tom begged, he looked close to tears. He hated crying around people so I guessed he just wanted to cry for a while without us trying to make him feel better, Carrie would leave him alone too probably. I just had to make sure to do a check on his arms for cuts in the morning, just to make sure he wasn't trying to do something else. "alright, sure, I'll be back around 10." Danny gently kissed Toms forehead, before letting him run into his house, the door slamming loudly.

"he's not going to be okay, is he?" Dougie whispered, he looked deathly pale himself. "of course he will Dougs, he'll be okay, it might just take a while to get Tom used to eating with people. We'll all help him, just let him have this moment to himself, so he can pull himself together a little." I smiled half heartedly, rubbing his arm.

283 Dougies POV

Eventually, Harry convinced me and Danny to go home and leave Tom for a few hours, I trusted that Danny would run back round. He wouldn't leave Tom for that long, not ever, especially after the night he had had. "do you really think that Tom will be okay tonight?" I asked, getting into bed a few hours later. "yeah, I think he'll be alright. Carrie will make sure he doesn't do anything too bad and Danny is back round again. They're probably sleeping, perfectly fine, like you should be." Harry gave me a small smile, pulling the duvet around us, running his hand over my side calmly. "you sure?" I needed reassurance, and a lot of it. I was just worried about Tom, he had looked so scared, he hadn't been the same since we had reached the restaurant, before he had been fine, but for the rest of the night he had looked terrified. I knew he had to get over this fear he had, but I hated to leave him to get over it by himself, I wanted to help him, in any way, even though Tom didn't like any help. All I could think of was giving him the medication we had talked about a few weeks ago, but we had decided that because Tom had shown that he could be slightly better and normal on Dannys birthday, we would leave him be. But now I was thinking it was a bad decision...

"yes, we'll go round tomorrow and it'll be fine. Tom will be fine, maybe a little jittery, and maybe a little ill, but mostly he'll be fine. We just need to get him used to eating around people, we'll use smaller groups next time and not just jump into it unintentionally. It'll be okay Dougie, I know it will." Harry continued to stroke my side, his words making me feel a little better. "but what if he cuts again?" I asked, because, we never knew, he could do it again, then what would we do? "if he does, then we'll tell him that we can't really blame him after a hard night, and we'll restart again." Harry explained, pulling me into his body, letting me curl up as close as possible, almost burying myself inside him. "are you going to go to sleep now? It'll probably be better for us all if we're well rested." Harry shifted, his strong arms coming round my body, making me feel safe.

"yeah, I can sleep now." I nodded, tucking my head under his chin, seeing if I could hear his heart beat. "good, got everything?" Harry loosened his grip a little, just in case. "yep, you, Toms tshirt, and Dannys bracelet, toy lizard. I'm all sorted!" I smiled, the smells from all of my best friends surrounding me. "good, night Dougs, see you in the morning. I'll make us a fry up or something." Harry kissed my hair, still stroking my back, making me sleepy. "thanks, night Hazza." I did one final shift, pushing myself as far into Harrys arms as possible, before kissing his shoulder, falling asleep in his arms.

I slept mostly soundly for hours, only having about 4 nightmares, which wasn't too bad considering my average was about 7, before I was roughly shaken awake. "huh, what?" I mumbled, opening my eyes slowly, wincing at the light. "Dougs, we have a problem." Harry was pale, holding a newspaper in his hands. "why? Whats wrong?!" I sat up quickly, reading the headline. 'Huge McFLY Secret Revealed!' the main title read, a huge picture of us all underneath, it was a recent one too. It must have been taken during our tour, in the morning, when we were all half asleep and dead looking. To say the least, we looked horrible, which was probably not going to help the situation.

"w-what is it saying?" I whispered, not wanting to read this. "I don't know, I haven't read it yet." Harry shook his head, grabbing my hand as I started to shake. "I don't want to look." I whimpered, barely able to open to the right page. It was a 4 page spread, revealing one of the secrets we had tried to keep from being discovered. It was the major one, Tom and Dannys relationship. The public didn't know they were gay, let alone together! There was a huge picture in the middle, from a party we had had a few years ago, and it was of Tom and Danny, kissing. It was clearly not a drunken kiss either, it was a proper, normal kiss, their arms wrapped around each other, smiles clear on both their faces, hands tangled in each others hair. We were kissing too in the background, but we were 'out' already, we were just a bit obvious when we were hugging and kissing each other, wedding rings clear on our fingers. I felt so guilty for then thinking that it wasn't worse, nothing about Toms current state.

"do you think it was Fletch?" I whispered, remembering Fletchs words, he said he would try and ruin us, was this him trying? "yeah, I think it was. It must have been, no-one else who knows would let this secret go. It must have been him... we've got to tell Tom and Danny now, don't we?" Harry deflated, closing the paper, hiding the picture that I used to really like that I now sort of hated. "do we have to? I don't want to see their faces when they find out!" I whimpered, I really didn't want to see Danny freak out at the fact that everyone knew about him and Tom! It would destroy them to find out, the public were so judgemental at first about me and Harry, what more trouble would they cause Tom and Danny? They were just starting to get better, how badly would they be effected by the hate they would get from this, and if Fletch decided to reveal more about us?!


	145. Chapter 145

**have a spare 5 minutes so a quick update**

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284 Dannys POV

In sleep, I cuddled up to Tom closely, he had had a bad day yesterday at the restaurant, had spent the whole time I had been round crying and apologising for being disgusting. I had said he looked beautiful, but it made no difference, so now I was trying to hold him to tell him that he was beautiful, like I always did. "Danny, Danny you have to wake up!" I suddenly got shaken awake, being pulled away from Tom. "nooooo, go away!" I whined, pulling away and curling back up to Tom. "Danny you HAVE to wake up right now! Seriously, you really need to wake up right now!" Harrys hand, and I recon Dougies too, pulled me literally out of bed. "ow, whats happened now?!" I growled, rubbing my back as it hit the floor.

"Fletch has had his revenge. Look!" Harry showed me a newspaper, I knew we were screwed as soon as I saw the picture of me and Tom. "oh god no! Sh*t what are we going to do?!" I cried out, though still quietly, so Tom didn't wake up, he had been sleeping soundly, in bed, all night, I wasn't going to risk waking him up now. "I don't know, we should tell Tom whats going on though, so he can be prepared for whatever happens." Harry advised, glancing up at the bed.

As if Tom sensed we had been talking about him, he turned over, his arm falling off the bed, his fingers just about skimming my knee. It was like he sensed we were talking about him and that I had left the bed, and he wanted me back. I grabbed his hand, wondering how he would take the news of this. "should we wake him up and tell him?" Dougie asked, chewing on his nails. "no, yesterday was a tough day, and today will make it even worse. So, we better leave him be for a while, before we have to break this calm." I sighed, I didn't want to make Tom panic again, it had taken long enough to get him into bed and calm, it would take possibly longer today. I didn't want to go through this, I didn't want to see how he was going to react to the fact that everyone now knew that we were together. It had taken months for the jokes and the coverage to stop after Harry and Dougie came out, and they did that willingly! We didn't even ask for this, so we weren't prepared for it in any way, what were we going to do?!

Harry and Dougie went off to phone Darren and I waited quietly with Tom, waiting for him to wake up. I thought it was best to let him wake up naturally, so he wasn't already irritated when I told him what was going on. But Darren turned up before he woke up, he looked as panicked as I felt. "why isn't Tom up yet? Doesn't he know now, why haven't you told him?!" Darren almost shouted, Tom whimpered in sleep. "because he had a bad night and I want him to be happy for as long as possible okay? I'll wake him up now alright?!" I signalled with my hand for him to keep his voice down, there was still an innocent boy sleeping in here. Though, the innocence wasn't going to last long now, I wished it would, but I knew that this was not going to end well. "well hurry up! We need to sort out a game plan, what you're going to say about this, damage control a bit." Darren was texting furiously, probably the rest of the management, I couldn't even imagine what they were going to do.

285 Toms POV

"Tommy, Tommy honey, wake up please. We've got some news for you." Dannys voice permeated my dream, breaking apart the image of drinking peanut butter smoothies with The 10th Doctor. "ugh, 5 more minutes." I mumbled, turning over, pulling the duvet over my head. "no, Tommy, I'm so sorry but you have to get up now, its very urgent." Danny sounded like he wanted to cry, what had happened? "whats happened? Why do you sound like you want to cry?" I was hit with 100s of different thoughts all at the same time, sitting up, automatically checking his arms. No sign of cuts, or bandages, just a few scratch marks and overly bitten nails, almost so bitten that they were almost bleeding...oh sh*t.

"I haven't done anything to myself if thats what you think." Danny started, moving to sit down in front of me, picking up my hands. _Its something about Harry and Dougie, they're hurt or something._ "a-are Harry and Dougie okay? They haven't been hurt have they?" I whimpered, the idea hitting me, what if something had happened to them?! Something hadn't happened to them, had it?! "what? No! They're fine Tommy, they're perfectly fine. Its us I want to talk to you about." Danny shook his head, staring at our hands, he couldn't even look up at me, "I'm so sorry Tommy, but...the papers have found out about us. They know we're together. Fletch has told them, and, he's given them pictures too." Danny explained, shocking me, I froze. Fletch had told everyone that we were together? But, why? What did we do to him? _You ruined his career._ The monster answered, this was his revenge on me! Because I got him fired! I didn't mean to! I didn't even know what I was doing, and now he was trying to ruin my life, and Dannys at the same time! What would were we going to do?!

"Tommy, talk to me, did you hear me?" Danny snapped his fingers in front of my face, snapping me from my thoughts. "t-they know?" I managed to whimper, wanting to cry. We already got enough bad attention because of me, this was cause even more! I was causing us even more trouble, how could I do this to everyone? "they do, they know about us, they know we're a couple. There's picture evidence too." Danny showed me the newspaper, the middle of the page filled with us kissing each other at a party a few years ago, only a few months after we got together. "we're going to sort it out Tom, don't worry, I'm phoning round everywhere to see if we can get this erased. We'll sort it out." Darren suddenly spoke up, putting a hand on my shoulder. "e-erased?" I asked, unable to take my eyes away from the title of the page 'McGay - sorry ladies, these boys bat for the other team!'

"we'll make everyone forget about this, and make it seem like you're straight again, don't worry." Darren smiled shakily, going off to talk to someone. _Even being gay is a disgrace to this band, nice going, can you do anything right?_ The monster sounded disgusted with me, making sure I knew that I couldn't do anything right and this was all my fault. "Tommy, do you want people to know we're together?" Danny asked, stroking his thumb over my hand. "I-I don't know...should we let them know?" I whispered, biting at my sleeve and my hand, the pain from that distracting me from the situation for a second. "to be honest, I think we should. I want to be able to hug and kiss you properly all the time, not have to watch our backs all day. And not have to say we're joking whenever one of us says we love each other. But, do you want that too? Cause I can go and tell Darren that we want to come out." Danny explained, he had a point. It was tiring being careful all day, not being allowed to hold hands and hug all day. We didn't do it at home anyway, but I remembered it used to be such a chore to try and seem straight, we almost gave up. Should we have come out now?

"w-we should then. We'll come out." I whimpered, scared by the thought, terrified of what everyone was going to say. "alright, I'll go tell Darren. Gunna come with me?" Danny half smiled, pulling on my hand. "n-no, I'm staying here." I needed to think, prepare myself for what everyone was going to say to us now, it had been bad enough the first time round with Harry and Dougie, now it was our turn. I had been dreading this for years, now it was here, what were we going to do? "okay, I'll only be a minute." Danny kissed my forehead and wandered out of the room, leaving me with the monsters laugh and taunts. Telling me that this was a mistake, that we were going to be hated, and it was going to be my fault entirely.


	146. Chapter 146

**xxPUDDxx - yeah i like writing darker stuff, i'm not sure why, i just quite like the darker stuff xD and i understand, next week i have three exams one after the other and i should be revising for them but instead i'm procrastinating it xD**

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286 Harrys POV

Hours later, we were still debating on what to say when we had to release a statement, it apparently couldn't be too similar to mine and Dougies, in case someone picked up on that. Apparently, Tom and Danny were going to actually come out properly, and not hide their relationship anymore, we just had to hope that the public would accept it. "Tom, are you happy with this speech?" Danny asked, bending down to Toms level, showing him the bit of paper with the speech we had been writing on. Tom himself hadn't joined in much, mostly because Danny thought it was best to distract him for a while so he didn't get too emotional over the betrayal from Fletch. So instead, Tom had been sat on the floor for the past few hours looking through a Where's Wally book, he was only on the 7th page.

"yeah, it sounds good." Tom nodded his approval, though I had a feeling that we could have written the worst things about him and he still would have approved of it. "when are we releasing the statement?" I asked, going to sit down with Tom and Danny, Dougie following like a shadow. "tomorrow at the latest, we'll release it for you, you guys lay low, until your next interview in a few days. And if anybody says anything, just ignore them, alright?" Darren advised, starting to walk out, "oh and call me if anything happens too, so we can sort it out as quick as possible." He finished, before starting up another phone call, going back outside and into his car.

"so now, we have to sit here and wait for our next interview?" Dougie asked, looking up to me, squeezing my hand. "I guess so. Its not too long, only two days." I replied, wrapping my arm around him, kissing his hair gently. "hopefully they'll listen to the statement, and go easy on us. I recon they will, cause you two sort of broke that ice a few years ago." Danny sighed, moving Toms hair so it was out of his eyes, almost tucked behind his ears. Tom pulled it forward again, covering his face with his long fringe. "yeah, I guess thats kinda lucky. And the fans have already guessed it, cause all your kisses and our jokes." I agreed, Tom and Danny hadn't been that careful to be honest, so it wasn't going to be that much of a shock to the fans, it was just everyone else we had to worry about.

287 Dougies POV

The next two days went pretty quickly, and Tom didn't show that much emotion about the sudden announcement. He just seemed a little stressed, that was all, so it wasn't too bad, I just hoped that this interview wouldn't change that and make him actually worry. "Doug, calm down. It'll be fine." Harry whispered on the way to the studio in the minivan, noticing me biting my nails. "are you sure?" I asked, chewing off more of my nails, I was going to have nothing left at this rate. "yeah, it'll be fine. The statement went down well apparently, and the newspapers haven't said much else about it. So we should be fine." Harry smiled, pulling my hands away from my mouth, interlinking them instead.

"you'll be fine boys, just say the right things and you'll be fine." Tommy encouraged from behind the wheel, giving us all a smile through the rear view mirror. "but, what if they're really horrible?" Danny whimpered, making a subtle eye moment to Tom, so he wouldn't notice. "they won't be, trust me, you'll be fine." Tommy reassured us, leading us from the car to the dressing room we were using today. "er, Tommy, wheres the other dressing room?" Harry asked, we usually had two now, one for the three of us, and one for Tom, because he didn't like to be around people before performances. "what? Oh, er... I think I forgot to tell them that we needed two. I'm sorry guys." Tommy apologised, I think all four of us tensed at the same time, "I'll go tell them that we need another dressing room. Give me two minutes." Tommy went to run off.

"no, wait! Don't get another one, we'll share." Tom stopped him, making us all stare at him. "you sure? Cause you can have your own dressing room if you want it." Danny looked halfway between shocked and hopeful. "no, I'll be fine here. There's no need for another room." Tom shook his head, biting at his sleeve. "alright, if your sure. But if you do want another room later, then just call, I'll be, somewhere." Tommy shrugged, leaving us on our own in the single dressing room.

"are you sure you don't want to have your own dressing room? Because you can have one to yourself! We won't mind, you can have one to yourself, you don't need to stay in here." Danny worried, turning Tom round to face him, even though the blonde didn't look up. "I'll be fine as long as you are. Tommy forgot to book another room, cause he was busy, he'll probably remember next time." Toms voice shook a little, it was barely noticeable, but I heard it. "alright, but don't be afraid to tell us that you need some space, we'll clear out of here for a while if you need it." Danny pulled Tom into a hug, tangling his hands in Toms hair.

And with that, we fell back into almost a normal routine in our dressing room, the four of us talking and hugging, winding up Mellissa as she tried to do our hair and make up, generally having a good time, trying not to think about what this interview was going to be like. Currently, I was fiddling with my hair, wondering if I should have put on some eye liner or my glasses, though I didn't really need either, when Harry made me jump by wrapping his arms around me. "hey, you alright?" he whispered leaning his head against mine. "yeah, I'm alright." I nodded, accepting his warm embrace to make me feel safe. "good, Tom and Dan are alright too. So how about you cheer up a bit, yeah?" Harry smiled, kissing my hair, pushing his hands into my pockets, "hey, what the hell is that?" Harry brought out a little plastic orange dinosaur, my lucky dinosaur. "its my lucky one, I've had it with me for most of our TV things." I explained, taking it out of his hands and holding it in my own, right at my eye level. "have you? Aw you little cutie!" Harry laughed, squeezing my shoulders, kissing my cheek.


	147. Chapter 147

**Guest - thank you so much! that means so much to me! :D**

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288 Dannys POV

"why is Dougie now a little cutie?" I asked, looking up from mine and Toms joined hands. We had been talking quietly in the corner for hours, and Harrys laugh had broken our moment. "because he's got his lucky dinosaur with him!" Harry showed us the orange toy, squeezing Dougie so close there wasn't any space between them. "aw!" I smiled, making Dougie blush bright red. "I just, wanted some luck." Dougie whispered, pushing the toy into his pocket. "I know, and its so sweet! I think I may have fallen for you even more!" Harry grinned, kissing Dougies temple, right under his blue headband.

"if you two start making out, we're kicking you out of here!" I teased, squeezing Toms hand, feeling like I was leaving him out of the conversation. "fine, killjoys." Dougie stuck his tongue out, bringing Harrys hands around his waist, linking their fingers together. "now boys, behave. Tom, I need to do your hair and make up." Mellissa smiled, used to our playful arguments. Tom whimpered a barely audible whimper and got up, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of the mirrors, thankfully letting Mellissa sort his hair and make up. "why have you already put make up on? Didn't you know I was going to do it for you today?" she asked, getting out the wipes to wipe it off. "yeah, I just, thought it would save you a job." Tom whispered, still chewing on his sleeve, creating a hole in it, perfect for his thumb. "aw, Tom you sweetie! Its my job to make you all look presentable, leave it to me, alright?" Mellissa ruffled Toms hair, wiping off the make up he had already put on his face, I hadn't even noticed, it had been put on almost perfectly actually.

Mellissa finished Toms hair and make up within 15 minutes, before she moved onto me, sorting out of my own face. Tom went off to choose an outfit to wear, still chewing on his sleeve, I watched him out the corner of my eye, making sure he was alright. To people who didn't know Tom very well, he looked fine, but I could see he was having an internal battle with himself, looking through all of his clothes, trying to find something he thought was decent. His mind was probably tearing him apart too, telling him he couldn't wear half of what was set out for whatever reason.

I wanted to go over and help him, but I knew I couldn't, a) because Mellissa would kill me if I got up now and b) because I knew Tom would not appreciate it, at all. So I had to watch from a safe distance, seeing the hole in his sleeve get bigger and bigger and the panic slowly rise inside the poor blonde guy. I couldn't tell if he was worrying about the interview, or getting changed in front of us, or which clothes he was going to wear. Whatever it was, it was driving him nuts. Wait, was this what Tom went through whenever we had an interview? Or was he just worrying because of what this interview was about, or because we were all crowded in one room? I hoped it was just this interview, I would have hated to find out that this panic turned up every single interview, making him think goodness knows what.

Luckily, Tom was soon joined by Harry and Dougie, who have gave him a few suggestions about his outfit as they picked out their own. "well if you wear the white shirt, then we're all wearing the same sort of colours, so we won't all look a packet of skittles on the sofa." Harry pulled out Toms white shirt, handing Dougie one of his Saint Kidd tshirts. "yeah, and dark jeans will look good." Dougie smiled, changing his shirt in a flash, tying up his blue headband on his head properly, wrapping the reddish pink one around his wrist.

Mellissa finished with me in that moment so I got up and went over too, picking out a black tshirt, which I think was Harrys, though I couldn't tell. "I, er, thanks. But...where..." Tom trailed off, looking around the room awkwardly, still chewing on his sleeve. "there's a wardrobe thing there with a door if you want to get changed in there." I guessed that was his problem, considering we were all getting changed there and then, showing off what he called 'perfect' bodies.

289 Toms POV

I hurried into the wardrobe thing, almost slamming the door behind me, finally breathing a sigh of relief. Finally, I was on my own, I wasn't used to being in a busy changing room like that, surrounded by everyone, three of which were getting changed at the same time. _You couldn't stay in there, you would horrify them. _The monster told me, it sounded a little scared, because if I did get changed in front of people, they would see my scars, and that would be the end of me completely. _The end of us, don't you mean. _

"shut up, please shut up." I begged, pulling off my tshirt and pulling on my crisp white shirt. I had managed a chew a hole through my original tshirt, looks like I now had one less tshirt to wear._ I'll never shut up, never. Someone needs to tell you the truth_. The monster hissed, making my eyes look down at my arms, and my thighs, that were so abused I could hardly see clean skin. _Its a good thing, it shows your mistakes and how you punish yourself_. It told me, and I agreed, it did show my mistakes and how I punished myself because of them.

I snapped myself from thinking and pulled my skinny jeans up, they literally hugged my legs, they were almost so tight that my scars could almost be seen. These had to be Dougies, none of my jeans were this tight, were they? No, these didn't have rips in them, and I wouldn't have fitted in Dougies jeans, he was tiny. I had put on weight recently, these had to be mine... I needed some more jeans, that were baggier. "Tommy, ready yet? We're almost on now." Danny made me jump, knocking on my door. "y-yeah, I'm ready." I shoved my feet into my Converse, stumbling out into the main room again, nothing much had changed, apart the guys had completely gotten changed and everyone else had disappeared. "that outfit suits you, you should wear it more often." Danny smiled, bringing me forward, his arms slipping around my waist. "you should, it looks good on." Dougie agreed, playing with his toy dinosaur, as Harry straightened out his tshirt and jacket, making sure his little one was presentable as usual. _They're only saying it, they don't mean it. They don't actually think that, don't ever think they do._ My voice reminded me again, it always reminded me to not believe a single word the guys said about my looks. _Its make up making you look alright, you're disgusting under the lies._

"ready to go out there Tommy? Its just an interview, no singing today." Danny smiled shakily, disentangling himself from me, but keeping a hand in my own. I nodded and let myself be led through the corridors, not paying attention to the people staring at me, at us. It was weird to think we were out now, we had kept it such a good secret, and now people knew. But would they accept us for how we were? I hoped so, I didn't want to cause us more trouble, and make us hated. I wouldn't be able to stand that. "good luck guys, you'll do great out there." Tommy encouraged, patting us all on the back encouragingly. "thanks, we'll try." Danny smiled again, squeezing my hand. "oh, might not want to hold hands from the beginning. We don't want to be too in-your-face. Maybe hold hands half way through or something?" Tommy suggested, pointing at our joined hands, I dropped mine from Dannys straight away. That would make sense, to not hold hands from off the bat. _Who would want to hold hands with you anyway? Dannys only doing it to keep you happy, he doesn't love you really. He'll stay longer now because you have too, because the papers know now, he'll leave though, don't worry, he'll leave._

"yeah, makes sense. Thanks for the tip Tommy." Danny sounded relieved, _see what I mean?_ I wished that the monster would just shut up now, I didn't want to hear this right now, I couldn't cry on national TV, or around anybody. It was a stupid and attention seeking thing to do, and I couldn't confirm Fletchs thoughts on me. I was not stupid and attention seeking, I was not, _oh but you are. You spend all your time seeking out attention_. The monster laughed, I hated that voice, it came up at the worst of times, and then told me things about myself I didn't want to hear, even though they were true.

At last, we were called out to the set, still followed by screams and shouts of affection, at least our relationship hadn't ruined that. We were sat how we were told, me and Danny on the sofa, Harry and Dougie behind, so the focus was all on me and Danny, because we were ones who were under the spotlight now. "hello boys, its nice to see you again! So, I think we can skip right to the chase about why you're here. We're here to talk about your latest big news, about you coming out." The presenter started, I already didn't like where this was going.

"yes, we are. We need to set the record straight." Danny put on a confident smile, slipping his arm around my waist. "we are, so, do you mind doing the explaining about this whole thing? Are you actually together? Or was this a drunken picture?" the presenter showed the paper with the massive picture of us kissing in. "no, its not a drunken picture. Me and Tom are together." Danny confirmed, the audience gasped. "wow, so are you both gay?" the presenter leant forward the table, smelling an exclusive. "well, I'm gay." Danny answered, turning to me. "I'm also gay." I added, the audience and the presenter gasped this time.

"exactly the same as us." Harry jumped in, rubbing Dougies arm, the poor boy looked as scared as I felt, probably reliving his experience of this, it was harder for him, he had only been 19 years old when he came out with Harry, having recently gotten engaged. The amount of jokes and stares he got hit with had almost killed him, we were lucky they stopped after everyone got used to it. "ah, so completely gay band then. Well then, I think we're all dying to know, how long has this been going on for? How long have you two been together?" the presenter asked, indicating the audience, they all looked like they were hooked on every word we said. "we've been together now for, four years now, give or take a few months due to, erm, circumstances. Before that, there wasn't anyone for either of us." Danny explained, linking our hands together now, giving me another loving look. "you mean the run away?" the presenter made me freeze, oh please, don't go there again! "what do you mean?" Danny looked worried too, his hand tightened around my own. "the give or take a few months, did you mean because of Toms disappearance? Was the disappearance because of your relationship?" the presenter went there, and went far over the line. Yes in a way, I ran away because of our relationship, but that did not mean that they had to know that! No-one had to know that, that was something to be kept private for only me to know!

"no, no of course not! You didn't run away because of our relationship, did you?" Danny now looked panicked, he hadn't caught on, had he? "no! No I didn't, we've gone through this, it doesn't matter anymore, its sorted." I shook my head, denying everything. _We're done for now, they've planted that seed of doubt, lets see how long this lasts now, shall we? _The monster cackled, I willed it to shut up, now was not the time to be telling me this. "see, of course Tom didn't run away because of us, he had other reasons. Which we've already been over, so leave it." Harry backed us up, the defensive side of his nature coming out. "alright, calm down! I was only asking...right, we have to cut to a commercial break now, we'll be back after these messages." Luckily, finally, the cameras shut off, the interview over for now. I could only hope they would leave it now.


	148. Chapter 148

**sod it, adding again cause theres a lot of views on the last add. Also, shout out to anyone who knows who James Marsters is! **

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290 Harrys POV

I was so glad when someone decided it was time to go to a break, I didn't know how many more questions like those would have been asked before Tom and Danny cracked. At least they had a few minutes to recover. "you alright? Want us to take over?" I asked, rubbing Toms shoulder gently, he was shaking. "no, we're alright. Thanks by the way, for backing us up then." Danny shook his head, squeezing the hand I had on Toms shoulder. "no problem, I think we all know from previous experience how tough it is, but at least it was half expected, you know?" I encouraged, it wasn't such a shock now because of me and Dougie, I guess it just shocked people that none of us were straight. "yeah, I know...you and me are having a talk later on, alright?" Danny pointed the last bit to Tom, who gulped audibly. "d-do we have to?" he asked, paling badly. "yes, we do. The idiots just worried me, okay? Just, let me talk to you later, alright? I need to talk to you later." Danny pleaded, holding onto Toms hands, squeezing them tightly. "fine." Tom gave in, he didn't look particularly happy about that either.

"we're back on in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!" someone shouted, we all turned round again to face the presenter again, who had luckily not been listening to our whispered conversation. "hello, welcome back. We're still here with recently outed McFLY, getting all the gossip about this revelation!" the presenter started, the one thought that passed through my mind was 'kill me now'. It seriously not THAT bigger news, half of our fans had suspected it for years, and the other half had made jokes on several occasions. And if our fans were happy (which apparently, they were) then why did anyone else have to care? At least Fletch hadn't tried to tell everyone about the problems Tom and Danny were having right now, that could potentially screw us all up, to have everyone trying to pry out of Tom what was wrong with him, that could go very, very badly.

"so, is this going to change anything? Like how the band works, or anything?" the presenter asked, this wasn't sounding too bad. "no, of course not! We'll work the exact same way, nothing is going to change! We're just going to be a little bit more open with our relationships." Danny shook his head, his hand untangling from Toms and slipping it around his middle instead. "oh really? So there's no more shocks about your love lives we should know about then, now that you're being so open?" the presenter leant forward again, did he have to be so nosy? "no, I think thats everything. We're all gay, we're married, Tom and Danny are dating. Nothing else needs to be said really." I shrugged, running my fingers across Dougies thigh, tracing patterns, so he knew that I was there for him and it was going to be alright, things were looking up a bit.

"you guys know everything now, so there's nothing really that we need to say." Danny added, his knee bouncing, like he was itching to get away from this interview. "okay, one last question before we let you go, we know that you didn't voluntarily come out, that this was a mole who told everyone. What would you like to say to that person?" the presenter asked, did he really have to ask that question?! He was just fishing for dirt now, and I knew we weren't giving him the satisfaction. "well, whoever it was, thanks for telling everyone. We don't have to hide our true feelings anymore, so thanks for taking a load of our minds!" Danny laughed, obviously trying to tell Fletch that his plan had failed miserably. We knew it was Fletch who had told on us, and it scared me to think he might try something else, but for now we hadn't cracked under this plan, so we had the last laugh.

291 Dougies POV

The interview wrapped up and soon we were piled into the car again, being driven off to wherever it was we were going next. "were are we going anyway?" Danny asked, midway through the drive. Tom was sitting next to him, his ear phones shoved into his ears, ignoring Dannys large hand on his side, while me and Harry were sat at the back, holding each other close, quietly trying to think up anything else we could say to back up Tom and Danny. "we've got a photoshoot and another interview, then we're home for the rest of the day." Tommy explained, making 'woop' at the thought of going home. It had already been a long day and it hadn't gotten past 3pm yet!

Another 20 minutes later, we drove up to a small building, it looked a bit like a shop, but slightly more open plan from what I could see through the windows. Heading in, I found that I was right, it was quite open plan, with just a white backdrop surrounded by loads of cameras, typical photo shoot then. "hello boys! I'm James Marsters, I'll be doing the shoot today." A man walked up, he was tall, with platinum blonde slicked back hair, and blue eyes. He was pale, and quite muscular, but seemed nice enough. "hi, I'm Tommy, they're manager. And thats Tom, Danny, Harry and Dougie." Tommy pointed to each of us in turn.

"nice to meet you boys. I'm planning a nice simple shoot, not a huge set up or anything. Just pictures of yourselves, and brilliant, you're already in black and white! That'll save a lot of time!" James smiled, clapping a little excitedly. "What do you want us to do?" Harry asked, slipping his hand into my own, squeezing it tightly. "well because of this recent revelation, about your relationships with each other, I was thinking that you could just do a few couple shots. Just hugging and stuff, not kissing if don't want, just holding hands and hugging, sort of like how you are now." James explained, it seemed alright. I didn't see the harm in that, and to be honest, I would have just liked to be held by Harry for a while. "sounds reasonable." Danny shrugged in agreement, and so we started wandered over to the backdrop.

As soon we were stood in order that James liked, he started taking a whole load of pictures, focusing on Tom and Danny, but also taking a fair share of me and Harry too. Especially when we started dancing as the music changed on the radio, or whatever it was that was playing music. It changed from 30 Seconds To Mars - Kings and Queens to Avril Lavigne - Sk8er Boi, and I loved this song so much, so, being the wonderful husband I am, who loves embarrassing his husband, I made me and Harry dance along. We were going nuts, jumping and spinning, tripping over each others feet, making Tom and Danny laugh, or at least giggle a bit. Wait, we made Tom giggle?! RESULT! I knew dancing along was a good idea, only it would have embarrassed Harry, but we made Tom giggle a bit, which was even better!

"good idea Dougs! We made Tom giggle and Danny laugh." Harry smiled, bringing me close after spinning me under his arm. "thanks, I knew something good would happened." I smiled, leaning on his chest. "really? Well then you're a genius." Harry laughed, he was up to something. "what are you up to?" I asked, realising too late that I was being picked up. I squealed loudly, being picked up so I was cradled in Harrys arms...wait, I knew this one. "don't squeal, you'll burst eardrums! Now you ready?" Harry teased, I nodded, laughing still, knowing I was about to scream again. Almost unexpectedly, I was dropped, but Harry still had hold on one arm and one leg, spinning us both round. I screamed as expected again, half scared that I was going to be dropped, though I trusted Harry and his strength.

All the time, I heard Tom and Danny laughing, they had seen this a hundred times, but they still found it funny. I was glad I was making them happy, and probably getting a lot of pictures of them without them realising, which could only be a good thing, because of Toms self conscious side.


	149. Chapter 149

**thank you to chelseaaaaaa_13 on twitter for your comment :)**

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292 Toms POV

I tried to contain my giggles a little at Harry and Dougies messing about, but I couldn't keep it all in, I still ended up giggling at poor little Dougies squeals as he was spun round. He only stopped when Harry pulled him up and back into his arms again, bursting out laughing instead when they overbalanced and toppled over. Danny really did crack up laughing then, falling over and almost taking me with him, ending up in the mass of arms and legs with the others. Thats when I noticed that we were still getting our picture taken, James was loving it, taking as many pictures as possible of this.

"Tom, get down here!" Danny yanked me to the floor too, unusually heavy handed. I faked a laugh, trying to ignore the cameras. I had completely forgotten they were there, now I could almost make out the sound of the cameras going off, the lights flashing, feel everyone in the room eyes on us. _They're judging you, seeing how skinny you are, seeing how ugly you are_. The monster growled, I pulled my shirt out a little, so it looked a little baggier. Though that was ruined by Dannys arms wrapping around me, keeping me on the floor as we watched and 'laughed' at Harry and Dougie play fighting. It was torture for the rest of the shoot, I was overcome with the want and need to hide away in the minivan, so no-one could see me anymore. I didn't want to be seen anymore, I didn't like the idea of being centre of attention right now, couldn't we go home already?

Luckily, the interview wasn't too bad, we just did a bit of explaining again about mine and Dannys relationship._ Its not a relationship though, is it? He doesn't love you_. Again the monster reminded me and made me want to cry again. I had wanted to cry all day today, couldn't it just shut up now about things I really didn't want to hear. Danny did love me, he did, I was sure he did...he loved me like I loved him, didn't he? He wasn't just pretending? No, he couldn't be, all those things he said the other month, of course of he loved me! Why was I doubting this much, I shouldn't have been doubting this! _He wants to talk to you later, remember, thats going to be the break up._ No it wasn't! He was talking to me, about why I ran away, and if it was about our past relationship...oh god that would be the break up! Okay, could we stay here for the rest of our lives?!

"isn't that right Tommy?" Danny smiled, breaking me from my inner panic attack. "huh, what? Sorry, I was...daydreaming." I shook my head_, now you look like an idiot, nice job._ "I said, we are very happy together and have been for years, and being public about our relationship won't change that, isn't that right?" Danny repeated, squeezing my hand again, he did that a lot. "yeah, being public won't change that one bit." I answered, smiling a little, because I had to. "thats good then. So, would you say you're in love? Or are you just seeing each other?" James asked, writing down our answers.

"yeah, this is love, I would call it love for sure. Toms the one for me." Danny kissed my cheek, hugging me close. _He's lying, don't listen to him_. Would the monster let me have just ONE moment to answer myself, and fan boy a little over those sentences?! Just one moment, that was all I was asking, one moment to blush and internally scream about the fact that Danny had said I was the one for him. "and Tom? What do you have to say to that?" James wrote down hurriedly Dannys answer before turning to me. "yeah, its love. Definitely love." I agreed, blushing furiously, especially when Dannys face split into such a huge smile. Wordlessly, he kissed my cheek, pressing his nose into same spot afterwards, I felt my face started to smile too, Dannys nose falling into my dimple, making him giggle.

"aw, you two are admittedly quite cute together. Well, I think that should be it for today. Its been nice talking to you." James stood up, the four of us following, shaking his hand. Well, the others did, Danny had captured my hands in one of his own, so I couldn't shake his hand. Instead, I politely thanked him and said goodbye, letting myself be pulled back to the car, willingly curling up to Danny on the way home. Dannys words were still echoing in my mind, I was the one for him, he thought I was the one for him, the actual one. How was this even possible?! _Its not, don't forget he still wants to talk to you later on. Then we'll see what he says. _The monster warned, interrupting my fan boyish moment. But I tried to ignore it, and focus on now, on the fact that Danny loved me, and just wanted me.

293 Dannys POV

I was sort of glad to get home when we did, my stomach was starting to growl at me for food, I hadn't had anything all day, I had been too nervous about how today was going to go to eat anything. Now I was paying the price, I was starving. "right, I'm making dinner, everyone up for that?" I announced, bouncing out the car, pulling Tom out too. He tensed in my arms, okay, maybe that wasn't such a good idea to announce that as loud as I did. I had momentarily forgotten that Tom really had decided to not like food, or at least eating it, since the restaurant. It really had messed with his head, he now really did refuse to sit with us while eating, and tried to eat very little. He was losing weight again, and I could hear his poor stomach calling for food at night, it scared me a little.

"yeah, we're game!" Dougie practically jumped out of the car, running into the house before I could say anything more. "okay, who gave him sugar again?" I laughed a little, trying to ignore how tense Tom was, if I didn't acknowledge it, maybe he wouldn't get too bad. Sometimes, I sensed that by making a huge fuss of the things Tom did made him worse, so maybe if I let him eat by himself, and just gave him a slighter bigger portion, then maybe he wouldn't be too bad. "don't look at me! I haven't fed him sugar today, I think he's just gone hyper on air again, or he's been listening to too much Blink again." Harry ran in after him, grabbing Dougie and pulling him into his arms, tickling the small boy.

"hey! I'm trying to draw in here!" Carrie shouted with a playful laugh, tucking a bit of hair behind her ear. "sorry, someones given them sugar again!" I teased, sticking my tongue out at the boys. "ah, that explains it then. So how did today go then?" Carrie asked, turning round on the sofa to face us. "it went well, really well in fact. Hey, Tommy, how about if you tell Carrie about it while I go order us a pizza or two?" I suggested, giving Tom a kiss on the cheek before going to order a pizza. Luckily, I knew what everyone liked, so I could just order it straight off without even asking, leaving the others to cuddle and hopefully talk about todays events.

When I came back, I was glad to see that Tom was at least trying to talk to Carrie, he wasn't exactly talking fluidly, but, he was trying, and thats all that mattered. "so we um, did the photoshoot and took some pictures. And had another interview...and, it seems like people don't mind." Tom explained, pulling down on his sleeves nervously. "well thats good then, isn't it? To know that people don't mind that you're in a relationship with Danny." Carrie smiled, scooting closer to her brother, holding his hand to stop him pulling on his sleeves, "oh, you've chewed a hole through it, I'll sew it up later for you."

"you don't have to, I'm just going to throw it out anyway." Tom shook his head, pulling his hands away. "nah, don't worry about it, I'll sew it up tonight." Carrie smiled, with a tone that was soft, but almost hinted that she wasn't going to take no for an answer. Sometimes, I was quite glad Carrie was here, she was still kind to her brother, but in a sort of tough way, so he knew not to argue and just let her do whatever it was she needed to do.


	150. Chapter 150

**FLOYNTERXxx - thank you so much, nice name btw! xD**

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294 Harrys POV

Luckily, the pizzas Danny ordered came quickly, and the four of us jumped on the food the second we could. Though, Tom didn't, I noticed he hadn't sat down with us, like usual. He never did. Especially after the restaurant, I had thought that he had been fine, just a little panicked and freaked out by what he did. But no, it turned out that he wasn't, he had gotten even worse, really, really refusing to eat around people. Not even Marvin could be in the same room as Tom while he ate, let alone another human.

"has Tom got any of this at all?" I asked, holding up a pizza slice, so everyone knew what I was on about. "er, no, I got him his own pizza, thats right..over there. Right, give me a second, I'll give it to him." Danny noticed the untouched pizza box, picking it up and taking it to wherever Tom was, in the smaller front room by the sounds of things. "there you go Tommy. I got you a special pizza, just for you. Want to come in a join us?" Dannys voice was heard, soft and gentle, like usual. There was a pause. "alright, well, we'll be back later. I love you Tommy." Danny said, and his footsteps were heard again until he came back into the kitchen with us, looking like he wanted to cry.

"you okay?" Dougie asked, Danny slumped into his chair. "yeah, just wish he would come in and eat with us. Its like we're shutting him out from our group, leaving him out of things, I don't like it." Danny sighed, pulling apart his pizza. "yeah, I know what you mean. But, we can't really do anything about it, can we? Either we leave him by himself and know he eats, or we bring him in here and watch him starve and freak out." I sighed too, just wishing that Tom would come in and eat with us, without needing to cry. Just seeing the tears in his eyes the other day had been horrible, to see Tom physically forcing himself to sit and eat, then freak out so badly on the way home had broken our hearts. It shouldn't have been like that, he should have been able to sit and eat at a table with everyone, he should have been be able to be human. Not like this, stuck in a bubble, that only Danny could occasionally pop, like he did today. I was so glad they got to kiss each other, and their relationship was accepted, without much hassle.

"I know, just wish it was all so much simpler. I just wish none of this had happened... I've got to talk to him later anyway." Danny whimpered a bit, copying Toms actions by biting his sleeves. "oh, about the runaway and whether or not it was about your relationship. " I finished for him, he nodded. "stupid f*cking presenter, I know Tom loves me, I know it. Why did he have to plant the idea that he didn't?!" Danny banged his head on the table, pushing his pizza away from him. "cause they're b*stards, thats why. Don't listen to them, they'll grab hold of anything and twist it, its how things work." Dougie came out with that one, shocking me a bit with such an insightful comment. I knew he was capable of them, it was just rare that he actually said them in front of people.

"yeah, I know. Still wish he hadn't said anything." Danny grumbled, and I had to agree with him. If people just kept their mouths shut, and stopped trying to pry into our relationships, then maybe we wouldn't be having as many problems as we were having.

295 Dougies POV

Dinner was finished quickly, as well as our conversation, and then we went in to join Tom again. Luckily, we found half of his pizza was gone, so he had at least eaten something. Danny sat down next to Tom the second we walked in, his arm sliding round his shoulders, pulling the small blonde closer. "cheer up Tommy, we've had a good day. Its not fun being so sad all the time." Danny encouraged, kissing Toms head gently. "I'm not sad." Tom whispered, fiddling with his fingers. "then why are you looking so down?" Danny asked, interlocking their hands together. "just do." Tom shrugged, grimacing a second later, before making his expression emotionless. "well, try and cheer up Tom. Seeing you sad isn't fun, and if you don't cheer up, I will have to tickle you until you do." Danny managed a smile, his hands sliding round Tom to his most ticklish points.

"yeah, and we'll join in too." I crawled over, getting ready to pounce on Tom and give him a proper tickle match. "don't, please don't." Toms face looked panicked, very panicked, his body tensed, ready to writhe out of Dannys hold on him at any second. "okay, okay, calm down, no tickling matches!" Danny pulled Tom into his arms, comforting him and pinning him down at the same time, just in case. Tom winced, but was otherwise mute, accepting the hold Danny had on him, like he had all day, only this time, he didn't look so happy.

And, for the rest of the night, Tom stayed where he was put, he didn't move once from the position Danny had put him in. I watched his face all night, and all I could see was deep thought. He was so absorbed into his thoughts, I don't think Tom even knew that time was passing. A few times, his face contorted with flashes of pain, fear, and sometimes it was like he wanted to cry. Once or twice his arm moved to move his shirt so no skin was on show, or something similar, and that was the only movement he made all night. As for Danny he didn't move much either, he mostly just stayed where he was, nuzzling his face in Toms hair, encasing the tiny boy in his arms, continuing to hold him like he had all day, only it seemed a little more desperate now.

"stop staring Dougs, they're not going to disappear anytime soon." Harry whispered in my ear, pulling at random strands until they were straight on my head. "I know, I'm just...worried." I replied, cuddling into his shoulder. "I am too Dougs. But they'll talk it out tonight, like they always do." Harry reassured me, telling me what I already knew. I knew they would talk it out, but I was still so worried, two people could not sit that still all night, could they? And what was Tom thinking about, that was making him look so scared? Knowing his mind, it could not be good, probably the same thoughts that told him he couldn't eat in public, and to cut his arms to shreds. I was thankful for the fact that Danny stayed over every night and Carrie was in the house as well, so Tom couldn't cut that easily without someone finding out. I dreaded to think what his arms looked like, I still hadn't seen and I didn't really want to, ever.


	151. Chapter 151

**I am really sorry for this, but, there have been 33 different views since this chapter was uploaded and no-one has commented. Now I understand that there's exams, and that's why my usual commenters haven't commented, I fully understand that I don't blame them for focusing on exams and everything. But still, 33 different people have read the previous chapter and not commented, it doesn't take a few seconds to post a comment on a chapter, whether it just be saying that you've enjoyed the chapter, or if its some constructive critism, I am honestly open to any comment anyone can give me. I want to know how you feel about this fic, so I know how to improve and what types of scenes and things you enjoy, so I can write more of them! **

**So, what i'm going to do is update for one of the last times commentless, and if by the end of June I don't start getting any comments, then, I'm sorry, but I'm just going to stop posting. I've worked so hard on this fic and it disheartens me so much to see the view count go up and the comment count stay the say. If I start to get comments by the end of the month, then I'll carry on posting, if none arrive, then I'm just going to stop posting. I'm sorry to anyone who usually comments and has exams, I do understand the situation for you as I've just finished my exams, but this just really disheartens me to see all the views go up and the comment number stay the same. **

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296 Toms POV

Eventually, after spending hours curled up on the floor together, Danny thought it was a good time to go to bed, or at least get settled in bed so we could talk. So, we said goodnight to the guys (Danny getting a quick whispered talk from Harry and Dougie) and got ready for bed. "Tommy, you know I said we needed to talk while we were at the interview today?" Danny started, I regrettably visibly cringed and whimpered. "I didn't run away because of our relationship." I said straight out, voice hard. "are you sure? Cause if you did, tell me what I did wrong, and I can change! I'll change for you, so you never feel like that ever again." Danny whispered, eyes downcast, staring at our hands. They were laying next to each other, not actually being held. _He's had enough of holding your hands, don't grab it. _

"it wasn't you, it was me, completely me." I lied, it was partly him, and everything everyone else was saying. I had convinced myself he didn't love me, because how could he? I was disgusting, he was perfect, I was pathetic and weak, it was all the voices inside my told me, everyday, all the time. I was worthless and pathetic. I was nothing compared to Danny, and he could never love me, only feel sorry for me, because I couldn't make friends.

_Flashback, 2 days before the runaway_

_"You're nothing, you are. Just poor, weak little Tommy baby, nothing more than an over grown boy, not even over the age of 6. Can't even do anything by himself, can't even sleep without being tucked in at night, and has to have his TV on so he can sleep. Is little baby scared of the dark?" a dark voice taunted, their voice flitting between Danny, Harry and Dougies. "No shut up! Just shut up! I am not weak! I'm not a baby!" I cried out, clutching at my head. "Yes you are, you're such a little baby, such a weak excuse of a human. You're not loved, at all, you're just a sob story people look after out of sympathy. Just get out, just go, you'll make everyone happy that way." the voices laughed, echoing in my ears over my shaking breath. _

_"No! I-I can't! I c-can't go! They'll, they'll be so upset!" I argued, knowing I was going mad now, but I just needed to get this voice out of my head! "No they won't, they won't be upset. No-one will be upset. They'll go out and party because you're gone. Pack your bags and go, make everything better, go on, just do it. Or better yet, get that knife, slit your throat and make everyone happier, give them one last mess of yours to clean up on your way out." the voice cackled, somehow directing my head to look at a knife on the counter. It looked sharp and it glinted in the sunlight. "Stop it, shut up! Its not going to happen! Just shut up and leave me alone!" I cried, falling to my knees, my hands ripping at my hair, almost pulling out chunks of it. "The world wants you gone, just go, leave if you can't stomach killing yourself. Your bags are packed for the next tour, just take them and leave. Free your precious Danny, free him from the torture you put him through." the last one did it, I couldnt take it screaming in my head anymore, I was going, leaving everyone behind, the voice was right, I had to go, it would free everyone from the torture of me around._

_Flashback end _

That voice hadn't gone away, it had gotten worse, always telling me I was worthless, that I needed to die. I didn't want to kill myself, but if I cut too deep one time and I just happened to bleed to death, then I wouldn't have cared much at all. It was hard to ignore the voice, and it was really starting to drag me down, I didn't want to hear it anymore, I needed it to go. _I will never leave you, even when everyone else has, I will never leave you alone._ "but what happened to you then?" Danny asked, running a hand over my face. "nothing, nothing happened." I pushed his hand away, keeping it on the pillow, my face was deformed, someone so perfect should have never have to touch that.

"something must have, for you to want to actually run away, and for you to act like you do now." Danny sighed, pulling my fingers until he was holding them in his hand, dwarfing my whole hand. "I had a problem, its sorted now. There's nothing else to say about it." I almost glared, I did not want to talk about this, this conversation had happened with so many people, I didn't want it again. "you said you were sorry, the other day, at the hospital, you said you were sorry for running away, why?" Danny shuffled closer, lifting my chin so I was facing him. "because I'm sorry for running away, why else?" I muttered, really, that was a stupid question to ask. I really did actually feel guilty for running away, if I hadn't, then none of this would have happened. Fletch would still have a job, Danny wouldn't have the same self harm urges as I had, and probably would never found out about me. And probably I would have gotten away with just acting like I was fine still, while I was actually dying on the inside. At least then I wouldn't have had so much attention on me.

"but why are you sorry?" Danny pushed, playing with my hair, pushing it off my face. "I just am, okay? Can we stop talking about this? I've been through this so many times, its getting boring." I turned over, thankful that the monster seemed dormant for a while. "I'm sorry, I just want to understand. That presenter scared the sh*t out of me, making me think I did something to make you run off from me. I just want to make myself see that you won't run from me again, and that you still love me." Danny admitted, I turned round again. "he lied, picked up ideas from thin air. Its not true." I reassured him, wanting so badly to say the magic three words, but I couldn't. Those were big words, huge words, I couldn't come out with them yet. If I ever could, I probably would never be able to say them, not in that order anyway. I had said our relationship was love today, but that was as far as I could say without getting choked up, something completely blocking my throat so the words couldn't come out. "so you still love me then?" Danny asked, from what I could see from my downcast gaze, he looked so hopeful.

"yeah, yeah I do." I nodded, gulping down the lump starting up in my throat already. "good, cause I love you too. Come here." Danny grinned, bringing me closer, gently kissing me, making my heart pound inside my chest.


	152. Chapter 152

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - thats alright, sorry for the shortness of it, this one is a bit longer :)**

**anonymous - thank you! it means a lot that you think that! :) and i understand the school situation, until last Wednesday, it was the same for me too. and i won't stop posting as long as comments keep on coming in! :)**

**xxPUDDxx - its okay, i understand all the exams and stuff, and have fun on the trip, and good luck with the speaking Irish! and i'll keep updating as long as i get some form of comment from someone, i promise :)**

**Floynterxxx - you don't have to comment 33 times! and i won't stop as long as theres some comment from someone, i can promise you that! :D**

**JoBros4ever - thank you, it does suck to work hard and then not get any replies on the work. thank you for commenting now though :)**

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297 Dannys POV

I tried to kiss Tom for as long as possible, until the need to breathe got way too much to handle. I felt like I was soaring, because of Toms kiss and his words. "are we done talking now?" Tom asked, yawning loudly. "yeah we're done talking for now, thanks, for reassuring me." I smiled, kissing him again, taking advantage of his mood. "alright, night Danny." Tom pulled away first this time, turning round, bringing the duvet up to his shoulders. "night Tom, I love you." I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into me, kissing his shoulder. "yeah, me too." Tom sighed, wriggling a little in my arms until my arms weren't quite as wrapped round him as I wanted. But, I let him writhe a bit, until he was comfy, he wouldn't sleep if he wasn't comfy.

Once he stopped wriggling, I dared to slide a little closer, not moving my hands from where they had been placed, just moving my body a little closer, so I could feel Toms warmth a little more. "comfy?" I whispered, pressing another kiss to Toms shoulder, ignoring how bony he felt. "yeah, comfy." Tom nodded, holding in a wince as my hand fell on his stomach, tracing patterns over the tshirt he had on. "good, sleep tight." I was tempted, and I mean very tempted, to push my luck even more by making Tom read a book to me like he used to, but decided against it, thinking it would have been a very bad idea. I had already pushed my luck today, with the constant kissing, and the hugging, and everything else. Maybe I would try tomorrow, or another day, I just missed being able to fall asleep listening to Toms voice reading out his current book. His voice filled with happiness, his acting training coming into play.

_Flashback April 20th 2010_

_"Dan, why aren't you sleeping?" Tom mumbled, nuzzling into my shoulder. "I'm sorry, I can't sleep. How can you tell I'm not sleeping?" I replied, turning round, running my fingers over Toms hair. "you're not snoring." Tom answered simply with a yawn, squeezing my hands. "oh, sorry, I just can't get to sleep, I can't relax at all." I sighed, finding playing with Toms hair was helping a little. "ah, well, anything I could do to help?" Tom asked, his hands tracing patterns over my chest, playing dot to dot with my freckles. "er, well, there is this one thing..." all I could think was hearing Tom read to me, his voice was just so expressive, and it was calming, relaxing. His voice always relaxed me, and I had heard him a few weeks ago reading to his three year old cousin, it was beautiful. _

_"don't go all shy on me now, what do you want me to do?" Tom giggled a little, pressing closer to me, almost laying on top of me. "I was just going to say, could you... don't laugh, okay?" I made him look at me, staring into his deep brown eyes. "I won't laugh Dan, I've seen you do the stupidest of things, I won't laugh now." Tom smiled, laughing a little again, apparently thinking of one of the things I had done this year already. "good, I just, hearing you...read, is quite relaxing." I blushed, tearing my gaze away from Toms. "really?" Tom looked amused and a bit confused too. "yeah, it does. Would you mind?" I blushed even more, unable to meet Toms eyes, in case he laughed in my face. "nah, what do you want to read then?" Tom sat up, moving to get off the bed. "er, whats that book that you and Carrie can't stop talking about?" I asked, Tom and Carrie seemed to be having an obsession with this one book, and it sounded quite good. "what, The Hunger Games? Ah that ones so good!" Tom grinned, picking up the book, practically bouncing in excitement. "yeah that one! Would you mind?" I felt a little better knowing it was one of his favourite books, and he looked so excited. "no of course not! This book is brilliant! Come on, get comfy!" Tom put on his glasses, increasing his adorable look. _

_I wriggled closer, resting my head on his bare chest, staring at his tattoo, realising just how black the ink was compared to his milky white skin. Toms arm went around me, pressing a kiss to my hair before he started reading. I was asleep within minutes. _

_Flashback end_

I missed being able to do that, because after that first time, it turned almost into routine, we went to bed about half an hour early so we could read without going to bed really, really late. I sighed, wishing we could have that back, we hadn't finished the last book in the series yet, we were still only half way through Mocking Jay. I hadn't finished it, because I knew Tom wanted to read it too, so we were both waiting until we were ready to finish it together, I hoped that was soon!

298 Dougies POV

I sat up in bed, unable to sleep at all right now. All I could think about was Tom and Danny, about how they were getting on, Danny was supposed to be talking to Tom about why he ran away, and I could only think that it wasn't going to go well. Tom hated that subject, and when anything to do with it got mentioned, he flinched, going completely silent. How was he going to react when Danny tried to talk about it? And what if it was Dannys fault? Would he try and cut then? Would Tom even stop him, or join in and cut himself too? Or was I worrying too much about this?

"you're worrying too much about this." Harry made me jump, he was laying in bed, his head pillowed on my thigh, tracing patterns on my other one. "huh?" how did he hear my thoughts? "you were talking out loud." Harry explained, looking up at me. "oh, how are you not worried? You're so calm all the time!" I had noticed that, this whole time, Harry had always been calm, he never freaked out like the rest of us. "I am worried Dougs. Its just that you worry and get worked up about everything, I on the hand, try not to think about things. And, I trust Danny to handle things, he can handle his emotions a little better at the moment, so even if Tom does say something he doesn't want to hear, I don't think he'll do anything really bad." Harry sighed, joining our hands together.

"but what if it does get too much for him?" I whimpered, I didn't want to see another bandage wrapped either of their arms! "well he'll just have to put up with it, with Carries help, we managed to get rid of the sharp knives and razors." Harry shrugged, wow, when did he think of that? "when did you do that?" I asked, playing with his fingers in thought. "Carrie got them all packed up while we were out, I just helped her put them somewhere out of the way when we got home." Harry shrugged again, tugging at my hand until I laid down next to him. "oh, so they can't really hurt themselves?" I had to confirm it. "no, most they can do is scratch themselves, and I'm sure they'll stop each other if they try. Now, go to sleep Dougs. It'll be fine in the morning." Harry wrapped me into his arms, stroking my face gently. "alright, I'll hold you to that." I wriggled closer, taking up my usual position with my head pushed in between Harrys shoulder and neck, my arms around him, his arms around me, our legs entwined.

I fell asleep quickly, which was a relief, my nightmares still plagued me as I knew they would, but I was almost used to it, it didn't bother me as much as usual. What I was seeing was still the worst things I could ever think of, but it wasn't as bad as what it had been, because I knew it wasn't real, it was just yet another nightmares sent to wake me up screaming. At least I didn't scream much anymore, more like a small 'ah!' that was a relief, I was the only one who woke up now. So Harry got a full nights sleep still, waking up at 10 the next morning.

I rushed to get ready again, quickly pulling on any old tshirt and trousers, not caring if they clashed completely. Turned out I was in Harrys jeans, Dannys tshirt (how did that get here anyway?) and Toms jumper. The only thing that was mine was my shoes...no, wait, these were Harrys boots. Okay, nothing I had on was mine then. "liking the miss match style Dougs." Harry teased, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind, looking into the mirror with me. "I was tired, shut up." I blushed a bit, flattening my hair until it wasn't almost bunching up under my headband. "I know, I like it. Looks cute." Harry smiled, handing me a belt before my jeans fell down, really, how big was his waist compared to mine?! "thanks, you need smaller jeans so I can wear them more often." I pulled the belt on, these were honestly skinny on Harry, on me, they looked so baggy! "hm, I'll think about it. Now come on, we have to get going." Harry took hold of my hand, pulling me out the door.


	153. Chapter 153

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - thank you! :D**

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299 Harrys POV

Going round to Toms house, we found Tom in the kitchen, looking pale and jumpy. For a second I thought he had eaten something, but then noticed that there was a lack of any signs of that. And Danny didn't look like he had been through another food battle. But, as least Tom was in the kitchen, even if he did look like he wanted to scream and run away, and was pressing himself into the corner. "morning guys, where are all the knives by the way? Did you hide them?" Danny greeted, sitting on the counter next to Tom, eating some cereal. "er, yeah, sorry about that. It was just, precautions, you know?" I answered awkwardly, hoping neither of them would react badly to that.

"yeah, I know. Better safe than sorry I guess. So, can we have some back so we can butter some toast?" Danny laughed a little, scooting over to Tom more, playing with his hair. His arms looked clean from what I could see. He had a short sleeve tshirt, only a few bracelets covering his wrist. Tom on the other hand had still got long sleeves, covering his hands and everything. I couldn't even remember the last time I had seen him in anything else. "alright, give me a sec." I ran upstairs, to where me and Carrie had hidden the knives, razors, and general sharp objects, grabbing a few butter knives before running back downstairs again.

Ten minutes later, we all had toast, apart from Tom, who was looking more and more uncomfortable as time went on. He did not like being in the kitchen, surrounded by people, all of which were eating. Not even having Dannys hand drawing patterns over his hip for comfort helped, he still stood there, almost rigidly, head as far down as possible, chewing on his sleeve, making another hole. "hey Tom, come with me a minute, I wanna play a game!" Dougie took Toms hand and pulled him out the second he finished.

"whats the thing he wants to play?" Danny asked, I shrugged. "beats me, its Dougie we're on about. I have no idea what he's up to." I answered, hearing Dougie run up and down the landing, sounding like a herd of elephants again. "must be getting some of the actions figures to play with or something." Danny commented, jumping off the counter. "yeah probably...hey did your talk go well or what?" I asked, just remembering about the talk. "yeah, went alright I guess. Tom said he had a problem and now it was sorted when I questioned him, then he admitted that he still loved me, we kissed a few times and I got to hug him closer than usual. And when I woke up, he was back on the floor again, shivering in the cold, though its not really that cold anymore." Danny explained, smiling when he got to the kissing bit. "so, a mixed talk then?" I offered, he nodded, letting me hug him close.

"think about the positives, Tom loves you, almost unconditionally, and you got to be close for a night." I encouraged, rubbing his side. "I know, I just want to know what happened to him. I had almost forgotten about it until that bl**dy presenter yesterday brought it up." Danny hissed, scratching at his arm. I pulled them apart, quickly checking his arms, seeing no new wounds. "don't think about it Dan, that interview is over, we've got a few more today, they won't mention the runaway hopefully." I reassured, they better not bring it up again. We would all go mental if they did, that issue was over and done with, there was no point in bringing it up again, especially when they were trying to stir things up.

"I know, I hope they don't, I don't want to hear it, ever again. It still hurts, I never want to hear it again." Danny shuddered, his hands tightening around me, keeping me close. I just held him tighter, knowing how much Danny needed a close hug and a bit of affection.

300 Dannys POV

This hug felt so good to me, to have someone hold me close and comfort me for a change. Not that I minded having to spend most of my time holding Tom and comforting him, but it was nice that for a change, I was the one being looked after and cared for the first time in a few months. I wished it was Tom holding me, but, I knew I couldn't have everything, and I would get him back eventually, I was sure.

"now shall we go and see what the other two are doing? Before they make the house implode?" Harry suggested, after standing with me for a few minutes, managing a smile. "yeah, alright. You never know with Dougs, do you?" I smiled a little, untangling ourselves before searching for the two usually bouncing blondes. It took us a while, but we found them eventually, searching through the music room. Dougie was looking through everything, trying to find whatever it was he was looking for, while Tom just watched him from the door, only half paying attention to whatever the little one was saying. From what I could make out from the bit of monologue we had walked in on, Dougie was talking animatedly about...aliens?

"haven't found what you're looking for then yet?" I asked, making the poor guy jump. "no, not yet! I will find it though, I will go nuts until I find that d*mn things." Dougie dived under the desk, opening all the draws, looking for the mystery object. "what are you looking for anyway?" Harry asked, poking the small boy with his foot on his bum, where his trousers had fallen down even more than usual. "the army men! And the aliens! I can't find them!" Dougie slapped away his foot, jumping back up again. "why do you want them, we're going out in a minute!" Harry laughed a little, his eyes sparking with love for our tiny blonde, who was still mentally five at times. "I dunno, just, felt like playing with them in the car or something." Dougie shrugged, clearly trying to say that he wanted to have an alien VS soldier war in the car with Tom, like they used to. "aw, we'll find them later, alright? And you can play with them when we get home, alright?" Harry slipped his hands around Dougies waist, kissing his hair.

"yeah, alright, I'll hold you to that." Dougie smiled, as a car horn beeped outside, clear sign that Tommy was outside waiting for us. I turned round to take Toms hand, and realised he wasn't here with us, but instead downstairs, opening the door for Tommy. "since when is he so d*mn silent?" I grumbled, running down the stairs, wishing Tom would just be a little louder sometimes. "hey, don't leave without us!" I almost ran into Tom, wrapping my arms around him, grabbing his bag to sling it over my shoulder. "I wasn't, I just came down." Tom grabbed his bag back, chucking it over his own shoulder. "I was joking Tommy, I didn't mean it. Now come on, we're holding people up now." I kissed his cheek and pulled on my shoes, being the last to get into the minivan.


	154. Chapter 154

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - its 550 chapters long + sequel, so its quite a long one i'm afraid lol xD**

**xxPUDDxx - haha! its a brilliant film/book series! and i hope you have fun! **

**FLOYNTERxxx - this isn't really near the end, and then the story carries onto the sequel! and its okay, i like knowing that you want more! **

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301 Toms POV

Todays agenda was the same as yesterdays, and it was going to continue going on and on for days, being asked the same questions over and over again. Me and Danny were gay and together, why was that such a shock to people?! I mean, its not like we hadn't been a bit obvious at times before, and it wasn't like we had been covering up with girlfriends or anything, so why was it such a huge story? None of us really got that, but, it did mean I got to be a little closer to Danny without having to worry about what people would say. At times that felt horrible because I didn't want to be close, but at others, it was comforting, to know I could hold someones hand so I didn't feel so alone all the time.

"Tommy, do you want me to stay round tonight?" Danny asked on the way home, shocking me, he hadn't asked that in weeks. He just automatically went to bed with me, without asking what I wanted. "you can, if you want." I shrugged, I wouldn't have minded some alone time, but, at the same time, I didn't want to be alone. I was growing used to Dannys arms around me at night, at least for a little while anyway, before I got up to get rid of whatever food I had eaten that day and the curled up on the floor, despite Dannys protests in the morning. "I'll stay at yours again. I was just asking in case you wanted some time to yourself, we haven't stopped for days now." Danny explained, playing with my fingers. _He is starting to get annoyed with you, great job._ "alright, whatever makes you happy." I let him trace my whole hand with his feather light touch, something you wouldn't expect from his large hands. "thanks." Danny smiled, bringing me closer to kiss my hair gently.

We arrived home and practically collapsed on the sofa, apart from Dougie, who flopped onto the floor to have another battle with the toy soldiers and the aliens. He had been in one when Tommy came to pick us up this morning, he had been playing with them all week, sometimes bringing in other toys, like random dinosaurs and such things, giggling away to himself at the battles and the things his characters were saying. "pow, pow, pow, ahhhhhhhhh, man down! Man down!" Dougie knocked over a soldier, and an alien jump up and down in victory, only to be shot down. He was in his own little world, barely even noticing Harry tracing patterns over his back.

"Tom, why don't you join in? Have a proper game." Danny suggested, whispering in my ear, rubbing my side. "no, he's happy by himself, there's no point in disturbing him." I shook my head, Dougie was happy playing by himself, he didn't need me coming in and messing up his battle. "you sure? He'll love it, Butty loves playing with you." Danny encouraged, _he doesn't love playing with you, leave him alone. _The monster growled, giving me my orders. It basically ordered me about now, as well as telling me the truth about peoples opinions on me, and how badly I did things.

"come on Tom, it'll make his day." Harry tugged on my jeans, Dougie still oblivious to our conversation, his bullet noises drowning everything out. _It will not make his day, you can't make any ones day_. the monster told me, tearing me in half. I wanted to play, but I couldn't, I would ruin Dougies game, he looked so happy, I didn't want to ruin that just because I wanted to join in with him. "it will, he misses you, go on." Danny gently started to push me off the sofa he had pushed me on earlier, managing to push me off pretty easily. _Don't join in, don't you dare, unless you want more cuts on your thighs, you were getting away with none today_. The monster warned, he controlled my self harm, telling me when I needed to cut, how many times I needed to, and what for. He basically now tried to control every move I made, I managed some freedom sometimes, but it didn't work that much.

"Tom! I need someone to be the Jedi side! Be the Jedi side please!" Dougie snapped out of his battle, looking up hopefully at me. _Don't you dare, don't even think about it. Don't join in!_ "alright." I took Anakin out of Dougies hands, making the three boys beam at me._ You absolute tw*t! What are you doing?! You're joining in! Thats it, just you wait until tonight, I will make you do so many cuts you won't even be able to walk! Just you watch! _The monster screamed, counteracting the feeling the guys gave me by those smiles. I just tried to ignore it, and do as Dougie wanted me to, acting out the battle, trying to feel like this wasn't so wrong and I was ruining everything.

302 Dougies POV

I was so happy as Tom played with me, finally joining in a game, usually he sat on the sidelines, watching with dead eyes, wincing a few times for some reason. But, now I had him playing with me, like I had been trying for the whole week! Finally, he was joining in and having fun. Well, I hope he was having fun anyway, I know I was! And everyone else seemed to be having fun, Danny and Harry were grinning at us next to the sofa. Harry was tracing patterns over the skin on show from where my tshirt had ridden up, and Danny was laying next to Tom, his arm over his back, just trying to cuddle him while he was in a happy mood.

"ahh we're wide open! We must form together!" I gave Tom the opportunity to kill off some of my team, because he hadn't tried to kill anyone on my side at all. "Tommy, he's open, Jedi mind trick them!" Danny whispered, though I still heard him. "we're not ready for an attack! Ahh, we're wide open!" I tried to encourage subconsciously, my soldiers were wide open, it was easy to attack me with the aliens and the Jedis. "go on, send them flying! Team alien to win!" Danny encouraged, kissing Toms cheek, squeezing his waist.

Tom looked hesitant, his hands hovering over one of the three green eyes alien toys, it was almost shaking. Danny noticed this and took his hand, making him pick up the alien, making a 'pow' sound, aimed at a group of my soldiers. "boom! Ahhhh!" I chucked them in the air, laughing when they fell over a whole load of other figures, making them fall over too. "there's too little of us left! We'll never win no!" I made more of my soldiers run around frantically, I wanted Tom to win this and was giving him any chance to win. He usually won 90% of our battles, no matter what we were playing, be it a game like this, a lightsaber fight (yes, we did have actual toys of them, that made noises and everything) a play fight, or sometimes just a video game. So I wanted him to win now, so he could have that feeling winning brought, hoping he would feel good.

With Dannys help, him and Tom shot down the rest of my men, basically winning the war. "no! We lost!" I whined, head bowing in defeat as Danny laughed loudly, it was almost a cackle. "woo! We won! Team alien all the way! High five Tommy!" Danny held up his hand, and when Tom didn't slap his hand, he covered by hugging him close, kissing his cheek. Tom just looked guilty, like he hadn't meant for this to happen. So, my brilliant plan failed then. I sighed, wanting Tom to feel happy again, for him to feel like he had won something. "good try Doug, better luck next time." Danny smiled, ruffling my hair. "yeah, good game guys. Want another round?" I smiled, especially when I felt Harrys hand slide up my back, tracing out some strange pattern only he seemed to know.

"yeah, I'm game for another round!" Danny agreed, resetting the soldiers and aliens hurriedly. "Tom, you up for another game?" Harry spoke up, moving to lay next to me, his hand still running over my back. "no, you play." Tom declined, shaking his head, moving to sit up properly. "you sure baby?" Danny asked, sitting up too, his hand resting on Toms cheek. "yeah, you join in." Tom sent us a shaky smile, nervously picking at his fingers. I sighed, just wishing he would just join in all the time and actually enjoy himself, instead of thinking that he was ruining everything all the time.


	155. Chapter 155

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - to be honest, i don't really know, but it'll be fun finding out!**

**FLOYNTERxxx - i know, i get a bit carried away during all my fics xD and thank you so much! that means a lot to me! :D**

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303 Harrys POV

There was just one more round of soldiers VS aliens before Danny and Dougie got bored, or more likely, they just didn't want to play when no-one else joined in with them. This time, Dougie won in the end, which earned him a smack on the head with a pillow from Danny. "hey, no hitting each other! Instead, why don't you both get some menus and choose what we're having for dinner." I pushed them both towards the kitchen, before settling myself next to Tom on the floor, who started to look scared at the thought of food.

"it'll be fine Tom, its probably going to be a Chinese or something similar. Nothing bad about that!" I smiled a little, putting my arm around his shoulders, rubbing his arm gently. "not hungry." Tom whispered, staying rigidly upright instead of leaning into me. He only ever leant into Dannys embrace, sometimes Carries, never mine or Dougies. "well, try to eat some anyway, it'll do you some good." I encouraged, we did need Tom to be strong for one more day, when the last hectic day for a while was over. We have a mission of a day tomorrow, with four interviews to go to, we just needed Tom to be strong for that, then he could relax a little and we could try and work on his eating in public problems.

"we're having a Chinese!" Danny declared, running back in, waving the menu. "alright, you know what to order?" I handed Dougie the phone, watching him order the take away. Then, he dropped down into my lap, making himself comfy, his head on my shoulder, his hands sneaking just under my shirt. He started tracing patterns on my skin now, reversing our previous roles a little while Danny took Tom from under my arm and pulling him into his own, so the blonde was leaning on Dannys shoulder. Danny was whispering things into Toms ear, holding his frail hands, probably encouraging him until our dinner arrived, trying to tell him that it was okay to eat his meal and enjoy it, he didn't need to be afraid of meal time.

Though, it didn't really seem to help much when we had dished up the Chinese half an hour later, Tom still took the plate we handed him and went to hide somewhere, only finishing about half the plate, if that. At least he was eating though, which was a start, now if only he actually ate normal amounts, like he should have, then maybe he wouldn't have been so ill because he had the proper amount of nutrition he needed. Danny seemed to be happy enough though with how much Tom ate, he was happy with whatever as long as Tom had some food. Though he did still encourage him to go back for more later, and to try some of his own, even when it didn't work, and Tom just refused it, holding in a wince for some reason.

He seemed to do that a lot, wince at random moments, almost like it was a tick. Also, Toms face sometimes contorted into looking like he wanted to cry, or like he was in pain, it only lasted a few seconds, before his face snapped back to a blank expression, but it was there. I wondered why he was doing it, was he getting worse? Or was it just something he had developed that was completely harmless? I guessed I would never know, Tom didn't like revealing things about his thoughts anymore, but I hoped all the same that he would at some point decide he would tell us what was happening inside his head. So we could help him out, so he didn't feel like crying anymore.

304 Dannys POV

I spent the evening curled up to Tom, holding him in my arms, and almost periodically offering him some of my unfinished dinner, though he never even looked tempted to take any. It didn't stop me trying, I would never stop trying with Tom, ever. I wanted to make him better, and I would always try my hardest to make him better, before he got so bad that he needed help from professionals. I was sure I could help him, I wasn't going to give up easily, I would forever help Tom. I had gotten him over an eating disorder before, I could help him now too, well, at least I hoped I could anyway. At the very least, I could help with the eating disorder, yeah, I could help with that, and him sleeping on the floor at night. Yeah, I could help with that! And I would start as soon as we went to bed.

Getting into bed was our normal routine, me and Tom got changed into our pyjamas and crawled into bed together, and I curled up to his back, which was almost always facing me unless we had had a good day. Tom just let me move about until I was as close as I could get without him getting panicky, screwing his eyes tight shut, like he was trying to force himself to sleep, like a child would on Christmas Eve. "night Tommy, I love you." I whispered gently, gently stroking his face until it relaxed, and his breathing evened out, his whole body relaxing into sleep, "there we go, sleep tight baby, and stay in bed this time, please." I moved and curled up closer, my hand resting underneath his tshirt, on the skin just above his hip. Whoa, it had been ages since I had last had skin on skin contact like this, I couldn't even remember the last time I had been able to put my hand on his bare skin, without having to quickly pull back before Tom noticed. I loved this, it was perfect, reminding me so much of how it used to be between us.

_Flashback April 20th 2009_

_I was in the middle of a very pleasant dream when I suddenly got woken up by something moving the bed. "ugh, Brucie, stop moving!" I moaned, turning over to face plant my pillow. "its not Brucie, its me." I heard Tom whisper, what was he doing here? He was supposed to be staying at his parents house tonight, after a family meeting thing. "eh? Tom, whats up?" I woke up a little more, turning over to face Tom, who was kneeling on the bed, not fully on, but not off either. "nothing, sorry for waking you up, I'll just go." Tom got off the bed, starting to walk out. "hey, don't go. Whats up honey?" I caught him by his wrist, pulling him into the bed again. _

_"I just, it sounds stupid, but, I felt lonely, and I wanted a cuddle." Tom explained, I could see him blush from here. "aw, did you miss me today then?" I smiled, sliding my hand around his waist, realising he hadn't put on a shirt, he was only wearing his boxers, he didn't drive here like that, did he? "you didn't drive here in only your boxers did you?" I had to ask before he answered, he didn't feel cold, but I was still worried, as per usual. "what? No, of course not! I got dressed first, my clothes are over there!" Tom pointed to a pile of clothes on the floor, before getting in under the covers, curling up to me, "and to answer your previous question, yeah, I missed you a lot today." He kissed me gently, tangling his arms and legs with me, his skin against mine feeling heavenly. "I missed you too. Do you think your parents will mind you sneaking out?" I smiled, kissing his nose, making him smile. "nah, they know I don't want to stay while they're arguing, and Carries gone out to a friends now, so its alright. Now, can we sleep please? I'm really tired!" Tom yawned cutely, nuzzling into my chest, his golden hair tickling my neck. "alright, night Tommy, I love you." I kissed his hair, hands tracing patterns over his bare back. "night, I love you too Ratleg." Tom grinned, before falling asleep on my chest._

_Flashback end_

I wished we could be like that again, cuddled up together, without having to worry about covering the scars on our arms, and being so self conscious Tom didn't dare wear anything that showed off his body. I was just joining in with him so he didn't feel like stupid or anything like that, otherwise I would have been naked, or at least close to it, I just didn't want to risk freaking Tom out. "I'll make you better Tommy, I promise, I'll make you better." I promised, I would make Tom better. We would have that back, soon, we would have that back. I would make Tom less self conscious, get him over his eating disorder, and make him realise he was worth something. Tom was worth the world, but he felt like he was worth nothing, the poor guy needed a confidence boost, and a huge one at that. And I was going to give it to him, I would help him, I swear I would help him.


	156. Chapter 156

**JoBros4ever - thanks, i get kinda carried away in the story and everything sometimes xD and, since one of my dreams is to be a published author, i thought i might as well get used to writing long length stuff anyway xD**

**FLOYNTERxxx - its leading up to a few big things, not just one :)**

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305 Toms POV

I heard every word Danny said before he fell asleep, they broke my heart. Did Danny really want to change me, make me 'better'? was I not good as I was?_ Of course you're not, you're never good enough for anyone_. I knew I thought that, and the voice thought that, but Danny thought that too? Even though regularly told me he wouldn't change me for the world, that I was perfect, though I never believed him? Was he just lying to me? He didn't actually think I was good enough? Then, why was he lying to me? _So leaving you is easier, obviously. Now get up, go make yourself a better person. _I was ordered, so I waited until Danny started snoring, before crawling out of bed and into the bathroom, where I continued my nightly routine.

First, to get rid of all of that unwanted food I wasn't worthy of, making myself sick, being thankful that I hadn't had much of it today, just tonight's dinner. I liked hectic days like today, I could get away with not eating for hours, because we were so busy no-one noticed what I was doing, as long as I was keeping up with everyone. _There you go, feeling better yet?_ The monster asked with a snigger. "no, feel awful." I had taken to talking to it, I might as well, it was a part of me, might as well talk back to it. _Well thats even better, you don't deserve to feel better, ever_. It laughed. _Now, lets get down to business, you defied me today. You were doing so well today, keeping out of the way, but then you joined in and ruined a game for Danny and Dougie. We better mark these down on your thighs, before you forget again and do it over again and ruin everything all over again. _

I knew I had ruined that game, but it didn't stop me from crying as I reached for my hidden razor and my cutting towel. I had hidden them right at the back of the airing cupboard in the hall way, where no-one would ever look, simply because no-one apart Carrie and me went in there. And she wouldn't look at the back, so I wouldn't be discovered. Hopefully anyway.

_Hmmm, lets say, 4 should be enough, I think it will be. Get on with it then._ So I did, pulling down my pyjamas, revealing all my open cuts across my thighs. I looked like I had gone through a very sharp thorned hedge, a very, very sharp thorned one. But I didn't care, these were my mistakes, mapped out for me to see, no-one else was allowed to see these. Anyone could see the ones on my arm, if I wasn't careful to cover them, but no-one was allowed to see the ones on my thighs, everyone had to think I was getting better. I was getting better, I was making myself a better person. Danny didn't think I was good enough, I was making myself good enough for him, and for everyone else, but especially him, I would make him proud to date me, before he gave up on me, like I knew he would. Everyone gave up on me, and I knew he would too. Then I would be alone, with my shiny razor, and I would make this world a better place by disappearing from it, its not like anyone would care anyway.

_Stop thinking, just do it already_! I did as told again, digging into my thigh, releasing the red liquid keeping me alive, making it run down my leg and onto my towel (I had planned this out so I didn't have to do much cleaning up). Three more lines made me feel light headed again, the room on the verge of spinning, but I was so used to it I didn't bother me at all. It felt good, if I was dizzy, I was doing something good, getting rid of my past mistakes.

Once I gained a bit of sense again, I cleaned up my leg, putting a big plaster over them in case they bled some more when I moved, cleaned up all of my mess, and got comfy on the floor by the bed, finally managing to pass out for a while, for some restless asleep.

306 Dannys POV

I woke up early that morning, just to see where Tom was, because the bed felt, once again, cold. As usual, I found him on the floor, curled up and shivering, his stomach rumbling so loudly I could hear it from my position on the bed. And, instead of picking him up and putting him back into bed, I grabbed the bedding, putting a pillow under his head and a duvet over his body, curling up to him again, like we were still in bed. I wasn't letting him go this morning, and this time, I was playing this Toms way, seeing if I could get more time with him this way.

I managed to doze off for a few more hours, until I heard footsteps on the landing. Opening my eyes, I realised I was back in bed, and Tom wasn't anywhere near me, he wasn't even in the room. I sighed, back to trying to find him, almost like a weird game of hide and seek. Slowly, I crawled out of bed and got some clothes ready, all the time listening out for my boyfriend, it sounded like he was in the bathroom. I couldn't help but think of Dougies theory from the night he and Tom had shared a room, he seemed to think that Tom cried in the shower in the morning. It didn't sound like it right now, but I couldn't tell, the walls were too thick to tell if there were tears being shed under the water pouring out.

"hey, Tommy, I'm awake now, are you getting dressed in there or so you need me to pass you some clothes?" I called through the door, not wanting Tom to freak out if I saw him without clothes on. "er, I need some clothes." Tom half mumbled, sounding embarrassed. "alright, anything in particular?" I asked. "long sleeves." Tom answered, sounding ashamed. "alright, give me two minutes." I ran back to the wardrobe, picking out one of Toms favourite tshirts, his long sleeve grey top with the buttons down the front, and his dark blue skinnies.

I handed Tom his clothes through the door, before sitting back down on the bed, waiting for Tom to be ready. I could hear him moving around and getting dressed, then silence, dead silence for quite a long while, before the door opened.

"hey, how did I end up in bed again?" I smiled, jumping up and putting my arms around Tom, he looked good in those clothes, really, really good, wow. "I dunno, thought you were in bed all night." Tom lied, his poor stomach growling, I could almost feel it rumbling against my stomach. "no, I woke up earlier, and you were on the floor again so I got on the floor with you. Then I woke up again and you were in the shower and I was in bed again." I shook my head, pretending like he hadn't just lied, he knew how I managed to get back into bed again.

Tom was quiet at that, all that I heard was his stomach growling almost painfully, making him wince. "right, you're starving, lets get you some breakfast." I couldn't ignore the sound of his stomach anymore, not when he winced like that. "I'm not hungry." Tom protested, but let me drag him downstairs, his stomach growling again. "yes you are, you're stomach is calling out for some food! So don't lie to me, what do you want? We have cereal, toast, pop tarts, anything and everything else, so, what do ya fancy?" I smiled, putting my arms around Toms waist, holding onto his hip. "cereal, just, cereal... I'll make it." Tom ripped himself from my arms to the cupboards, half filling a bowl of cereal, running off to eat it before I could even say anything.


	157. Chapter 157

**xxPUDDxx - wooo! thats awesome! which show are you going to?! i'm happy for you! its guaranteed to be an AWESOME show if Memory Lane was anything to go by! **

307 Toms POV

I almost pleaded my stomach to stop rumbling as loudly as it was, before someone heard it, it was probably so easy to hear, everyone would know what I was doing if my stomach didn't shut up soon! I knew why it was rumbling too, it was because I didn't actually have anything inside me, I had gotten rid of it last night. I knew it was wrong, but, I just found it impossible to keep things down all day, it was like getting into bed was a trigger, I had to get rid of everything in my stomach before I could sleep, because I wasn't worthy of having a full stomach. What did that feel like anyway? To not be hungry all the time and not feel like you had to be sick at any moment? How could anyone feel like that, without ever worrying over how much they put in their mouths, how it made them look, what it would do to them? _Because they're not you, they deserve it, they look good, they are good. They can do what they like, you can't, you're not worth it. Now eat that before you go, its the best you're getting all day._ My monster explained, telling me that I had to eat this dry cereal. If I didn't, I was going to be hungry all day, I didn't know what was worse, feeling sick, or feeling hungry all day. At least my stomach was quieter if I ate it, which was a start.

"Tommy, you finished yet? We have to be ready to leave in twenty minutes." Dannys voice broke me from my thoughts again, midway through my last dry mouthful. "almost." I answered, swallowing and shuddering, feeling my tummy lurch over. I shakily stood up, feeling dizzy, before wandering out to find my shoes, getting ready to go out, worrying on the inside whether or not I looked average or not. "hey, found you! Ready to go? Its our last hectic day for a few weeks, so we can relax after today." Danny hopped up, tying up one of his own shoe laces. "yeah, I'm ready." I sighed, not exactly wanting to go out and have another day of saying 'yes I'm gay, I'm with Danny, and no its not going to change anything' even though it was going to change things. It was going to change a lot of things, like how we acted in public, we could hold hands in public now, we could kiss in public too. Usually going out was our break from being a couple, now we were going to be permanently together, with no breaks, I wasn't going to mind that, but in the end, Danny was going to get sick of me. All I did was trail along behind him like some stupid pet, clinging to his hand and whatever else I could hold, now I could and probably would do that in public too, great, I would really wind him up then. We were going to break up at this rate, sooner than I had originally expected, and it would be my fault for being so clingy and needy.

"hey, whats up? You look like you're going to cry!" Dannys arms came around me, pulling me backwards into his chest. "nothing, nothings wrong. I just...think my contacts are in wrong." I lied, pulling myself from his arms, because I was not clingy and needy, I did not need a hug. "oh, well go and sort them out then, we have a bit of time left." Danny seemed to fall for it, like he fell for my lie about how he got back into bed again this morning. Me and Carrie had put him back in again, after she had come in and I had told her he had fallen out in the middle of the night, and I had just put the pillow and the blanket with him. Why he had ended up on the floor with me was anyones guess, there was a perfectly good bed right next to him, why he laid with me I don't know. I mean, I wasn't worthy of that bed, but that didn't mean he wasn't, he was everything, I was nothing, thats why I slept on the floor, despite getting back ache because of it.

I vaguely heard the door knock downstairs, and someone asking where I was, but I ignored it, carrying on sitting and thinking on the floor. It didn't make sense, why would someone so special like Danny sleep on the floor with me? And why would he give me a pillow and the duvet, it wasn't that cold on the floor, so why give me these things? Did he honestly believe I deserved them? He couldn't have, he couldn't have thought that, I had proved that over and over by messing up everything. _He does believe that, but he's stayed on the floor once, he'll do it again, don't make him do it again. That isn't fair._ I was warned again, as I was called back downstairs. _Get moving, before you mess up again and make them late_. I wiped my tears and stumbled downstairs, still feeling sick and dizzy, and still like I wanted to cry. I didn't want to pull anyone down to my level, or make Danny so annoyed with me for being clingy that he broke up with me, I didn't want to break up at all. I liked being together, it was nice being together, I felt safe when we were together, how could I ruin this? I wasn't going to be able to help it, was I? I was going to ruin it all again, because I was pathetic, and because thats what I did, mess everything up, just like always.

308 Harrys POV

Tom was quiet once he got in the car, keeping his head down, and his whole body tucked into his corner, hugging himself. "Tommy, you alright?" Danny asked first, leaning over to his boyfriend, his hand going to his arm. "yeah, just tired." Tom nodded, putting his earphones in, seemingly falling asleep minutes later. "why don't I believe that?" Danny sighed, deflating back to his side of the car, picking at his nails. "we'll talk to him later about it. Let him sleep for now, we'll cheer him up when we get to the studio." I advised, how many times had I said this just this month? I'd lost count. "I hope we can, he's looked like he's wanted to cry all morning." Danny bit his lip, tugging his sleeves over his hands, reminding me we were supposed to be checking his arms again.

"hey, its Monday." I whispered, watching Dougie pale and turn away. "yeah, scar check, I know." Danny reluctantly rolled up his sleeves, showing me his arms, clean from any new wounds again. "well done Dan, thats...6 weeks now I think." I smiled, hearing Dougie exhale with relief, but not risking to turn round until the old scars were hidden. "6 weeks, 2 days, and 20 hours." Danny replied, my jaw dropped, "what? Needed something to distract myself, might as well count how long its been so I can feel good." Danny shrugged, making sure his bracelets covered anything incriminating. "so do you know how long...?" Dougie trailed off, nodding his head towards a sleeping Tom. He usually looked so calm and peaceful in sleep, sometimes even cute and childlike, but now he didn't, now he still looked upset and scared, like not even sleep was keeping him from his thoughts. "6 weeks, 2 days, 16 hours. He slipped on the first day, but hasn't since." Danny answered, reaching his hand out to rest it on Toms arm, stroking it with his thumb gently.

"well, thats good, isn't it? Its progress at the least." I encouraged, wanting to see Danny smile again. "yeah, I know. I just wish he was better, you know? Normally he's so perfect, and now, he's not all here." Danny mumbled, never taking his eyes off of Toms face. He honestly loved that boy so much, I had never seen someone so in love before. I didn't even think I could match up to his level of love for Tom with my love for Dougie, and I loved Dougie so much I sometimes thought I was going to explode. "well, we'll still help him out, and make him better. Remember, from tomorrow, we're working on his food problems, and thats taking a good step forward." I offered a smile, my hand running over Dougies back, wanting to comfort him too. "I know. Do you think he knows that I love him?" Danny chewed on his lip a bit longer, moving his hand to link with Toms, somehow without the boy waking up.

"of course he does! Tom knows you love him, so much, he knows that. There's no way he couldn't know that." Dougie jumped into the conversation, almost jumping over the seat to get his point across. "really? You think so?" Danny looked hopeful, how could he not know that Tom loved him so much? "yeah, he does. If he didn't, he wouldn't listen to you as much as he does. Or hug, or kiss, or do anything with you." I nodded, making Danny grin as we rolled up to the latest studio. "good point...Tommy, wake up, its time to wake up now baby, we've arrived!" Danny gently shook Tom awake, leading him inside the studio by his hand. The blonde seemed half asleep still, and a little conscious of how close him and Danny were, but it didn't stop Dannys smile. He couldn't stop smiling, keeping a firm hand on Tom the whole time, never letting him go, looking so happy, just because we had told him that Tom loved him.


	158. Chapter 158

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - yeah, shame he was asleep :/**

**xxPUDDxx - thanks! and thats awesome, thats the night i'm going too as well! its going to be so good!**

309 Dougies POV

The interviews were exactly the same the past few were, Tom and Danny were gay, and together, no we were not in a four way relationship (yes, that question actually had to been asked) no we were not changing as a band because of it, everything was staying exactly the same, only now Tom and Danny were open about their relationship. It was still exhausting though, going back and forth across studios, giving interviews here there and everywhere, stopping for photos in certain places, bundling back into the minivan, somehow trying to get food in between too. It was sort of like how it used to be, to be honest, I had missed this, but I didn't like how we were all now. Tired, worn out, all keeping an eye on Tom and making sure he wasn't suffering from what everyone was saying, and making sure Fletch wasn't around, or Paul for that matter. He had gone when Fletch was fired, Tommy, Richard and Darren trusted Tom to not run off by himself, mostly because we all kept hold of him, and he didn't seem to want to run anymore. He was over that, thank god.

I did like the last interview, because it was with the girl called Avril again, who had talked to me and Harry while we were on tour. Her outfit was still as cool as last time, a white off the shoulder tshirt, with a black drum kit surrounded stars and musical notes, black skinny jeans, and black boots, splattered with green paint. Her hair was straight, the black and green running through it clear to see. "hey boys! Nice seeing you two again!" Avril smiled as we walked in, bouncing up from her seat on the sofa, shaking hands with the both of us. "again, huh?" Danny looked typically confused, wracking his brain like he was trying to remember her. "yeah, I interviewed these two while you guys were on tour a few months ago, you two were writing a song together I think." Avril explained, offering us all seats. Me and Harry sat down together, leaving a little space between ourselves like we usually did in public, but I pulled Harrys arm around me, keeping our fingers entwined together, a constant reminder of each other. I couldn't go long without at least looking at my husband, and I couldn't go into interviews without knowing he was there, so I was holding his hand now, so I knew he was there, keeping me safe.

"oh, cool." Danny shrugged and sat down next to us, his arm going around Toms waist, mostly to keep him in place, he still looked a little upset. "so anyway, I thought I would go away from the norm thats around the moment. I thought we could talk more about your songs and how you came to write them." Avril started, we all breathed a sigh of a relief, hopefully not more of the same questions. "yeah, sounds good." Danny smiled, nodding, sitting up a bit more. "good, so, I'm guessing some of the things you've previously told us about what inspired you about your songs aren't 100% true. So, with things like Obviously, were they actually about other people or about each other?" Avril started a tape, leaning forward a little. "erm, well, maybe not Obviously specifically, but I for one did slightly base the lyrics a bit on Tom, I will admit that." Danny blushed slightly, shyly peaking glances at Tom.

"I, er, sorta did the same thing with Obviously." Tom blushed a darker red, making Dannys ears go pink, and his freckles disappear. "thanks Tommy." Danny mumbled, his smile getting wider, like it did as he sang and looked over at his lover. "aw, nice nickname! So, what about All About You and The Heart Never Lies?" Avril giggled a little, pushing the recorder a little closer, in case they mumbled anymore.

"we're surplus for requirement here I think." Harry whispered almost inaudibly in my ear, basically saying, 'you can cuddle closer if you want, no-ones going to notice' so I did, leaning on Harrys side, pulling his arm further around me. "er, The Heart Never Lies was about the band at first, but, it kinda turned into a love song...about Danny." Tom made himself go deep red, and Danny go so pink it was almost like he was sunburnt. "aw thats cute! And All About You?" Avril pressed, writing down some things, probably their reactions. "well, we weren't together at the time, but, sorta, I guess. Cause we have danced on the kitchen tiles, and stuff." Tom could not get any redder, it was impossible for him to be any redder than he already was. "aw that is adorable! Danny, any other songs of note you've written about Tom here?" Avril look like she was about to melt from the conversation, I just wanted to laugh at how red they were.

"Falling In Love, Little Joanna to an extent. Erm, I think thats it to be honest." Danny shrugged, basically now lobster red, even his ears were completely pink now. "aw, well, I think its time I wrapped this up, thank you for this. It was nice to meet the four of you at last. I hope this all carries on going well for you." Avril shook each of our hands, collecting up her stuff. "thanks, we'll try." Danny smiled, the blush calming down a little now. Though, it didn't stop us taking the mick the whole way home, making them both blush so red again!

310 Toms POV

I let Danny hold me on the way home, feeling a bit embarrassed after that last interview, revealing that I had written love songs Danny, even before we got together. It was a little desperate, I would probably never hear the end of it, going on the current teasing we were receiving from Harry and Dougie. "you two are so sappy! Writing crooning love songs to each other!" Harry teased, Danny blushed so bright red I was sure it was impossible to go any redder without being sun burnt. "you wanna kiss each other, hug each other, you wanna have se-" Harry clamped a hand over Dougies mouth before he carried on with his chanting, dragging out a few words. "shut it Dougs, you've done the same!" Danny retaliated, Dougie pulled a confused face, "Transylvania?" he continued, Harrys hand dropped. "really?" Harry now looked confused.

"er, yeah, cause, your family didn't approve of me at first, did they? So I wrote that song...cause, I love you, and I didn't want anything but to be together." Dougie now went quiet, reminded me a little of that awkward 15 year old boy who couldn't talk to anyone, no matter who they were, until he had seen them a few times. "aw, Pugsley! Come here, I love you too!" Harry practically melted, pulling Dougie into his arms, squeezing his husband like it was the last thing he would ever do. "you should have told me sooner about this! Why didn't you?" Harry carried on, pulling away slightly to look at Dougie properly. "because, its kinda embarrassing...and I was an awkward 18 year old, I didn't know how to tell you how much I loved you. I'm only good at song writing, so-" Dougie got cut off by Harry kissing him, before he really did turn the colour of his headband. "my god I love you so much." Harry grinned as they broke apart, stroking Dougies fringe from his face. "I love you too." Dougie smiled shyly, burrowing himself into his drummer boys arms, both boys kissing again.

I could only feel jealously towards them, they could do things like this, without any problems, nothing stopped them. They were so happy together, unlike me and Danny. There were times where I felt like were a little like that, but then that was shattered by the monster inside my head growling at me that I wasn't good enough for this relationship, I would wind Danny up eventually and he would leave me. And I sadly believed it, because my inner monster was always telling me the truth, he was probably right about this as well, and it was just me being hopeful believing anything different. But, I really did want to have a relationship like Harry and Dougies with Danny, and in the moments where I believed we were like that, it either my voice or my worries telling me that I couldn't kiss Danny, I couldn't hug him, I couldn't hold his hand. I couldn't do anything with him, I was too ugly, too stupid, too pale, not perfect like him, so I couldn't do what I wanted, because it was disgusting. _Thats right, you're not worth it, don't ever think you are, you're lucky that you have that hand on you right now. You're not sleeping with him tonight, you're giving him freedom tonight, don't think you'll be close all day._ My monster told me, so this was my punishment for having the little thought that maybe I could have something nice.

"Tommy, wanna come back to mine tonight?" Danny asked, right on queue, like he was reading my mind. "er, no, I want...to spend the night alone." I answered slowly, not even trying to make my head face Dannys, not wanting to see the disappointment. _More like relief._ "oh, alright. I'm okay with that. Want me to stay round now, or...?" Danny sounded heartbroken, I winced. _Don't, you, DARE say yes_. "yeah, alright." I nodded, I would like Danny to come round now, feeling a sense of achievement for defying the voice. "awesome, come on, lets leave the love birds making out and get some peace." Danny giggled as we rolled up to my house again, me and him getting out of the car, leaving Harry and Dougie in there, still kissing, it seemed to be getting a little X-rated now.

They didn't join us for the rest of the night, just left me and Danny and Carrie in my front room, watching old comedy reruns. I honestly tried to focus on them, but I was so occupied with the thought of sleeping on my own tonight, I was so caught up in that, I didn't even have my monster telling me how stupid I was. The night crept way too fast, and soon, it was midnight, time for Danny to leave. _Don't say you've changed your mind, stick with this, you will stick with this. _"so, better get going, shouldn't I?" Danny sighed at the door, holding my hands. "yeah, I guess." I shrugged, not wanting this, I wanted to say I had changed my mind and I wanted him to come upstairs and sleep with me. I know I was never in the bed, but I found hearing his snores comforting, knowing that he was just there was enough. "I'll be back round tomorrow. Alright? Maybe we could walk the dogs together or something." Danny managed a smile, bringing me closer. "yeah, that could be cool." I agreed, letting myself be hugged close. "awesome, I'll swing by around 10ish." Danny opened the door one handed, letting me go at the last minute, but giving me a goodbye kiss before going off back down the road to his house.

I watched him go down there, and once he had disappeared inside his door, I went to my own room, getting ready for bed and trying to go to sleep. But I couldn't, it was too quiet, I was so used to loud snores, that not hearing that anymore scared me, the darkness seemed darker, it felt less safe. I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be with Danny, in every sense of the word, so badly. _You can't go over there, you're freeing him tonight from you. Do not go over there_. I was warned, but I so badly wanted to, not to get into bed or anything, I wasn't crazy. But, what if I curled up on the floor in Dannys room, and fell asleep to his snores? I would be gone by morning, I would get up early to go, even though Danny liked to sleep in for hours. _Don't you dare, I will make you cut so much into your thighs if you go over there_! To be honest, I didn't even care, I just wanted to go to sleep comfortably, hearing my boyfriends snores. So, I did, ignoring the monsters words, I got up and went over to Dannys house, curling up on the floor at the foot of his bed, falling asleep almost instantly as I heard his snores.


	159. Chapter 159

**FLOYNTERxxx - he's starting to fight back now! :) and thank you so much! :D**

311 Dannys POV

I woke up when sunlight burst through my eyes, almost burning them. This happened every time I slept in my own house, I forgot to close my curtains, so every morning I got woken up my the sun. "ugh, why?" I groaned, deciding to close the curtains so I could curl back up again and forget about everything. Then I noticed something, my door was open... I usually closed it. I slowly got out of bed...was that blonde hair on the floor? Creeping closer to the end of my bed, I saw Tom curled up on the floor at the bottom of my bed. I didn't know whether to find this worrying or beyond cute.

The fact that Tom had come over here at goodness knows what time in the morning, sleeping in my room was actually quite sweet, but, why would he do that? Why would Tom feel the need to come over, not that I minded, I loved the idea of him coming over. But, just, what happened to make him want to come over? I couldn't see anything red that looked like blood on him, so hopefully he hadn't done something stupid, but, maybe he wanted to but never did, and came round instead? Or was that wishful thinking? Probably wishful thinking. I wanted to ask, but I wasn't about to wake Tom up to ask, he was sleeping peacefully for one, and I had a feeling that he didn't really want me to know that he was here.

Though I didn't want to disturb him, I had to kneel next to him for a few minutes, taking in that beautiful face, Tom looked so relaxed. He looked relaxed and peaceful, finally. I hadn't seen that in such a long time, Tom always looked troubled now, even in his sleep sometimes he looked troubled, like the thoughts that made him look like he wanted to cry were invading in on his dreams too. Right now though, he looked like his dreams weren't getting to him, like he wasn't being tortured in his sleep. I watched him for a while, just taking in this calm look, that I had sorely missed over the past few months. I got so completely lost looking at Toms face, it was like I couldn't look away, he was just so beautiful, so perfect, I wished he could see that, so he realised that he could smile and laugh, be free again.

But, as I watched, Toms face started to contort a little, a whimper falling from his lips. The exact sound he made when he woke up...oh cr*p. He probably didn't want me to know that he had been sleeping here, if he had, he would have gotten into bed, or at least woke me up to ask for permission to sleep here. But he hadn't, he had come in without telling me, after saying he wanted the night alone, the chances were if Tom woke up to find me staring at him, he would probably go nuts. And not just because I was looking at him. So as quick as I could, I scrambled back into bed, pretending I was still asleep, trying to fake the snores I apparently made, while trying to hear Toms movements, if he was getting up or not.

I heard Tom move, almost hesitantly, I could imagine him sitting up, looking over to check I was still sleeping, before standing up. From what I heard, he did do that, then stood still for a while, before he walked out, closing the bedroom door behind him, and the front door, locking it too, so I didn't suspect anything at a guess. I sighed, wishing for the thousandth time that Tom had the confidence to just get into bed with me, he needed to be in a bed, not on the floor, and he needed to know that he could crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night, that I didn't mind and he didn't need to go all incognito. I would have loved it if I had fallen asleep, to be woken up by Tom getting into bed with me, like he used to. Why couldn't we have that back? Why couldn't we just be like that again? I just wanted to have my boyfriend in my arms, or was that too much to ask for?

My mood plummeted, making my skin start to crawl, I shuddered, trying to ignore the way my arms were begging to be cut open. No, I did NOT do that anymore, I did not do things like this anymore, I couldn't cut again, not after working so hard! I was not ruining my record, I wasn't turning back, I did not need to cut to stop feeling down. I was going to carry on like normal and forget about this, I was not taking Toms reward away from him just because I needed to stop feeling down because he was self conscious. Instead of feeling down, I showered quickly and got dressed, feeding myself and the dogs before getting them ready for a walk, a nice, relaxing, calm, happy walk. With Tom, I remembered we were going together, maybe going for a walk with him would cheer me up and make this need go away! But, I wasn't going to tell him I wanted to do it, no way, I was keeping that to myself. I didn't want Tom to freak out, or be triggered into wanting to cut too, so I was keeping it to myself, it was probably for the best, to keep it to myself and not tell him. Yeah, it was for the best if I didn't say anything triggering to Tom, the less he knew of how much I was struggling, the better I think.

312 Harrys POV

To our luck, me and Dougie ran into Tom and Danny at the field round the back of our houses, all four of us on the morning dog walk. Danny seemed twitchy today though, a bit on edge, like something was up. He denied it though when I asked what was up, saying he was fine, just a bit tired, that was all. I didn't believe him for a second, but I decided it was probably best to leave it until we all got home. Instead, it was probably best to leave Danny to play fetch with his dogs and hold his arms around Tom, holding onto him like a life line. Tom fortunately let him, he just stood there, almost hesitantly resting his hands on top of Dannys.

They ended up surprising me by hugging all the way home as well, and once we were all back inside one house, Danny still looked twitchy, his arms locked around Tom like he would die if he let go. And now Tom was starting to look uncomfortable, like he wanted out of this hold, or at least a little freedom in the hold he was in. "Dan, can I talk to you quickly?" I asked, wanting to intervene before Tom had enough and freaked. "do I have to, I don't want to move." Danny looked scared, he really didn't want to move. "yeah, it won't take a minute. Come on." I held out my hand for him, Danny reluctantly gave in, taking my hand and going out to the kitchen with me.

"was is it?" Danny bit at his nails, still looking jumpy. "are you alright? You're really jumpy and jittery." I pulled his hand away from his mouth. Danny sighed and bowed his head, looking defeated while mumbling something. "what was that, I didn't catch it." I held his hand a little tighter, trying to tell him that it was okay to talk to me. "my arms...they itch." Danny mumbled, slightly louder this time. "oh Danny, come here, wanna talk about it?" I pulled him into my arms, hugging the poor guy. "no, I don't want to talk about it, I want a hug." Danny mumbled again, squeezing me and nuzzling into my shoulder. "you sure?" I asked, rubbing his back. "yeah, I'm sure. I'm working on it by myself." Danny answered, looking half way between a kicked puppy and happier because I was hugging him and giving him the love he needed.

"alright, anything you need at the moment, that'll make you feel better?" I gave him a squeeze, before starting to let ago. "give me a night where I can cuddle in my sleep all night?" Danny whispered, ah, here was the problem. "didn't get a hug last night then?" I pried a little, feeling him shake his head. "no, I went home last night. And then Tom turned up, but he didn't get into bed with me. He slept on the floor, and snuck out before he thought I woke up, didn't even tell me he came over." Danny explained, pouting sadly. "aw Dan, look, do you want to stay with me and Doug tonight? Will that make you feel better?" I suggested, I didn't really know what to say that I hadn't already said over the past few months. "y-yeah, if Tom doesn't want me again tonight. But if he does...maybe, when he says no again?" Danny looked hopeful, looking up at me with big eyes. "yeah, sure, whenever you want Dan. Just ask, I won't mind, and I'm sure Doug will be ecstatic." I smiled, knowing Dougie would be ecstatic, he loved cuddling, the more people the better in his opinion. "thanks, I really do love you guys, you know? Not as much as I love Tom, but I do love you guys too." Danny squeezed me again, pressing himself into me. "we love you too Danny, don't worry, we love you so much too."


	160. Chapter 160

**xxPUDDxx - thanks, i shall keep that in mind in future! and Tom may be fighting back, but the question is whether or not he'll win :P**

**FLOYNTERxxx - because Tom can't hear anything over the voice in his head telling him different :/ but he is fighting back a bit!**

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313 Dougies POV

As I waited for Harry and Danny to finish talking about whatever it was, I was talking to Tom about anything I could think of, leaning on his shoulder and pulling his arm around my shoulders, playing with his fingers. "you know what, you haven't taught me anything on piano in ages." I randomly said, not really sure what else to say. "yeah." Tom nodded, looking at our fingers, letting me pull his fingers about. Tom had given me a few crash course lessons in piano before he ran away, he taught me stuff like Bubblewrap, Sorry's Not Good Enough, and had been half way through She Falls Asleep and No Worries when he did run off. I missed those hours when he would teach me how to play, and then let me play random songs, sometimes the both of us learning a song together. We always ended up in hysterical giggles each time, because I truly was awful at free styling, and mostly at playing unless I really concentrated.

"when we get 5 minutes, wanna carry on teaching me a few things? It would be awesome." I asked, I would have loved it if we could have had another piano session. "okay, whenever you want." Tom agreed thankfully, but took his hand back then, pulling his sleeves back down over his hands. "cool, I'll hold you to that." I smiled, nudging Toms side playfully, "so, wanna teach me something now?" I asked, running out of things to say. "if you want." Tom waited for me to get up, then followed me to his piano in the front room. I thought it was probably a good idea to start playing first, so I did, trying to play to where we got to with No Worries. I sounded really quite bad to be honest, I hadn't played in about two years. "god I'm bad at the moment." I blushed, trailing off. "no, you're not, you're really good." I felt arms come around my shoulders, knowing straight off it was Harry.

"uh-huh, you would say that anyway." I smiled, leaning back into his arms. "yeah, I know, but you're good. I'm jealous." Harry kissed my cheek, rubbing my side. "you shouldn't be, I'm not that good." I blushed, feeling Harrys hand rest just under my tshirt, making me smile a little more. "I think you are, so shh." Harry kissed my cheek again, tickling my side, making me squeal. I giggled and elbowed his side, stopping the tickling but tightening the hugs.

"so, what was that talk all about?" I asked innocently, whispering in Harrys ear. "nothing much, just that one day Danny might be sleeping round ours. I'll explain later." Harry explained, in the same tone as me. "okay, awesome! I'll look forward to it!" I grinned, the more people to cuddle the better in my opinion! "good, glad you agree, now how about you show me some more of this hidden talent for the piano." Harry said the last bit loudly, breaking Tom and Danny from their quiet conversation. "yeah, alright, what were you just playing?" Danny smiled, walking round to sit on the now very crowded bench. It was really only designed for one person, now all four of us were sitting on it, it was getting a little crowded, though I don't think anyone actually cared.

"I'm half way through No Worries, Tom was teaching me, but, we haven't had a chance to carry on in ages." I smiled, carefully not mentioning the cause of all this. "alright, I'll see what we can do." Danny cracked his knuckles, starting to play the No Worries tune. We spent the whole rest of the day playing various songs on the piano, I actually learnt a lot, between Tom writing down the notes in order and then playing it over and over for me, and Danny laughing as I got it wrong, and Harry smacking him on the head each time, I actually managed to have a laugh and learn to play No Worries, and a few various others that weren't ours. It was a good laugh, and a good day overall, I just wished we could carry on like this...but the next day, that idea was shattered for a very long time.

314 Dannys POV

As usual, I woke up first, to find I was in bed alone, the other half of the bed cold, meaning that there hadn't been a Tom shaped body in the bed for quite a while. I grumbled quietly to myself and sat up, spying my blonde boyfriend on the floor a little way off, shivering madly. So I grabbed the duvet and the pillows off the bed, and setting them up on the floor again, like I did the other day, curling back up to my boyfriend, trying to warm him up a little. I was thankful that last night Tom decided he wanted me round, otherwise I was sure it would have been a repeat of the night before, him sneaking into my room like he was committing some sort of crime by changing his mind about wanting to be with me that night. If he did that again, I don't know how I would have coped, just knowing that Tom didn't think he could change him mind and get into bed with me anymore, and that I couldn't tell him that he could because he would then find out I knew he did it, which would probably freak him out, killed me. I just wanted Tom to know he could stay with me, and could stay in the bed all night, he deserved a bed and night long cuddles, not however long he had before got out of bed again until I woke up and did this.

Thankfully, as I thought, Tom stopped shivering, his body relaxing against mine a little. "there we go, sleep tight Tommy, you're safe and warm now." I whispered, gently kissing his neck, ready to wait until the end of the time for Tom to wake up, just so I could see his face look so calm and relaxed like it was right now. So, now, I did take advantage and watched Toms face, taking in everything about him. From the way his hair fluttered as he breathed out to how his eyes danced under his eyelids, making him see whatever he was dreaming about. But, somehow, I got restless after a few hours, wanted to get up and do something, also, maybe some food, I was getting pretty hungry now too.

My stomach growled at me so loudly I thought I would wake Tom up, so I had to get something to eat at least, before I did wake him up. As quick as I could, I ran downstairs, making up some cereal, eating it a bit slowly to kill some time. I wanted to be there when Tom woke up, so my plan of getting him into bed all night would be put into action, but I was just a bit restless up there, with nothing to do, only my thoughts to keep me occupied. My plan was to lay on the floor with Tom so I was there with him when he woke up, I was using his thoughts of I was everything and he was nothing against him now, which I felt a little guilty about, I will admit. But, if I was on the floor with him, Tom would hopefully not want me on the floor, and if I said I was sleeping where he was, hopefully he would stay in bed all night instead of on the floor. I really did hope that worked, because I did want Tom in bed with me, so we could hug and be together, like we used to.

I finished off my own cereal and went to pour another bowl ready to Tom for whenever he woke up, but realised there wasn't actually any cereal left, I had used the last of it. "right, better go get some more." I mumbled to myself, hoping back upstairs to pull on some clean clothes, before running back down the road quickly before Tom was any wiser. I ran down to the shops, battling against the heavy wind and rain, getting soaked through within seconds, making me glad for the shops heat and shelter.

I shivered as I picked up some more cereal, hoping that Tom stayed asleep until I came back, I would have hated for him to wake up alone, risk making him think that I didn't love him or something like that. "hey, is it true? About you and Tom?" the shopkeeper asked, ringing up the cereal on the till, confusing me. "yeah, he's my boyfriend." I smiled a little, surely he knew by now, it had been mostly what we had been saying for the past week. "yeah I know that, but is it true you're on the rocks, cause of the way he is?" the shopkeeper confused me even more.

"on the rocks? What way he is? What do you mean?" what the hell, we weren't on the rocks, what way was Tom? Surely no-one had found out about his eating disorder...or his general lack of confidence? I paled. "the latest says that you two are arguing and on the rocks because of his runaway, I haven't read the whole thing yet. So is it true?" the shopkeeper carried on, okay, now I paled.


	161. Chapter 161

**FLOYNTERxxx - hmmm we'll have to see about what it does to Tom! :P**

**Guest - you may be right there...**

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315 Toms POV

I woke up slowly, not feeling anyone around me, I was completely on my own. This was weird...Danny was usually in the room somewhere. _He went home, tired of sleeping in the same room as you_. I ignored that voice, surely he didn't do that, did he? Maybe Danny was just downstairs, yeah, he was probably downstairs, eating breakfast. I probably just overslept, so I had better get ready, ready for whatever today was bringing.

I went into autopilot, hopping into the cold shower, quickly washing, trying not to look at the scars covering my arm and thighs or how disgusting I looked before hurriedly dressing in anything that covered me. Then I set about the task of doing my hair and make up, I may have always put a hat over my hair, but I still needed to fix it up a little, so it looked alright underneath, in case my hat got pulled off somehow. I covered my arm scars with make up, and my face, trying to make myself look less deformed, and a little more normal. _It doesn't work, you still look deformed and abnormal._ I sighed, I wished that voice would shut up occasionally, so I could feel like I was doing something right for a change.

"Tom? Where are you?" Danny suddenly made me jump, I hadn't even heard the door slam. He sounded panicked, what had happened now? I came out of the bathroom, facing a soaked through Danny, holding a magazine, and some cereal...what the hell? "we have a problem. Its Fletch, he's been saying more sh*t! He's saying that..." Danny hesitated, chewing on his lip. "Fletch? Whats he said?" I asked, not used to asking questions, it felt weird. "he's said, can I just say first that its not true, and I love you, so much, no matter what." Okay, now Danny was scaring me, "he said, he said that we're arguing a lot and our relationship is on the rocks...because you're...different." Danny brought me into his arms, almost pinning me against his body.

_They know, they know you self harm, they know! You idiot! You let it slip!_ I whimpered, the public didn't know that I cut, did they? They couldn't have known! I was careful, I had been careful, why was Fletch doing this?! _You made him lose his job because you're pathetic._ But, surely, he had tried and failed at making me fall apart, surely he would have stopped?! "b-but we were careful, we were careful!" I whimpered, starting to think about this. Were we on the rocks right now? Surely we weren't, were we? Was my behaviour starting to effect Danny and mines relationship? Was he growing tired of me, and we were going to break up?!

"I know we were careful, but its Fletch, he seems to be trying to spill our secrets now. But this one isn't true, so we can deny it completely. Because I love you, unconditionally, nothing will change that, ever." Danny whispered in my ear, keeping the magazine away from me. "it'll be okay, we just have to be careful, and try to deny it. No-one has noticed anything before this, so we can try to disprove this whole thing. Don't worry baby, we'll sort it out." Danny reassured, wait, no-one had noticed anything?! Did this mean he didn't love me anymore and we were on the rocks, and that no-one had noticed my scars yet? But, I was confused, were we on the rocks? Was our now public relationship already proving too much for us both, were we going to break up? We couldn't break up! I didn't want to break up! I loved being together, I felt vaguely happy when I was with Danny, I felt better with him, how could we break up?!

"hey, hey, oh baby, don't cry! Oh Tommy, don't cry, its going to be okay!" Danny made me realise that I had started crying, leaning needily onto him_. Pathetic, just pathetic. Stop trying to gain sympathy here_. I wasn't trying to gain sympathy, was I? I was just scared, and upset, I just didn't want to break up, I just wanted to stay with Danny forever, thats all I wanted, was that too much to ask? _Of course it is, you don't deserve it. You're a pathetic attention seeker, you don't deserve to have a boyfriend._

"oh baby, stop crying, we'll sort it out." Danny promised as the door slammed close. "that'll be Harry and Dougie. I called them a few minutes ago, wanna go down and see them?" Danny asked, letting me go and wiping my tears instead. "n-no, I can't." I whimpered, pushing his hands away, I didn't want to be seen crying, gaining more sympathy, which I didn't need. "alright, well, I'll go and explain whats happened, just stay here. Take a deep breath and calm down, it'll be alright, I promise." Danny kissed my forehead, running out the room.

316 Dannys POV

My heart broke into pieces as Tom cried, but I had to leave him to tell Harry and Dougie what was going on, I just hoped he would be okay for a few minutes. "whats happened Dan? Whats the major panic?" Harry asked first, no Dougie in his arms, or anywhere to be seen. "wheres Dougie?" I asked back, seeing Harry without Dougie was...unnatural. "he's in bed, I didn't want to wake him yet. The worry kills him every time. I thought it best to leave him until we both know whats going on then go back and tell him in full. So whats happened now, wheres Tom?" Harry explained, he looked like he hadn't actually wanted to leave Dougie, but it was actually for the best I think. "oh right, Toms upstairs, taking a few minutes to calm down, he's so upset..." I explained the whole thing. How the magazine was told by Fletch that our relationship was being strained because Tom had been anorexic before and was falling down that hole again. They were saying that I couldn't handle it, and I was giving up on him, and had included a whole timeline, giving a timeline of Toms weight and when he started getting like that. It was heart breaking, seeing the pictures, remembering how Tom hadn't eaten in weeks and me having so many arguments with him over it, before I finally admitted I loved him and it changed his mind.

"wheres the magazine? Have you read the whole thing?" Harry asked, wait...where was it? "oh sh*t, I left it upstairs with Tom!" I ran upstairs again, bursting through the door, thankfully Tom wasn't reading the magazine. He was still crying, sitting on the floor, head in his hands, but he seemed to be getting better now. "its going to be okay Tommy, I promise, its going to be okay. We're talking about it now, we're going to fix this, I promise, we'll fix this." I knelt in front of him, hugging his tiny little shaking body, kissing his hair. "I-I'm so sorry." Tom whimpered, keeping his head down, his hands covering him. "there's nothing to be sorry for, don't worry, there's nothing to be sorry baby. Its not your fault, its Fletchs." I sighed, wondering if Tom had seen something in that magazine, I hoped to god he never saw that timeline. That timeline would destroy him, that time where he was in the dark hole of an eating disorder was never talked about, ever. I was scared it would trigger him back into it, or make his already almost nonexistent eating habits worse.

"sh*t, this is kinda bad." Harry whispered, obviously having already scanned the 6 page spread of us. Tom whimpered loudly again. "what are we going to do?" I asked, because, what were we going to do? "deny it, deny it to hell. Its all we can do really. Look, I'll go get Dougie and phone Darren, this is not going to be a fun phone call wake up." Harry hurried back downstairs, pulling his phone out of his pocket, already on the phone. "see Tommy, Harrys getting Dougie and Darren. Darren will know what to do. I'm sure, he'll know what to do. We'll make it better, alright? We'll make it all better again." I promised, we would make it better, I was sure, we would make this all better, I would make sure Tom never cried over this again. And he would not fall back into an eating disorder, I was not letting him fall deeper, I swear, he was not going to fall again. He was not falling again, ever, he was never falling down like that, I was going to support him and protect him. The papers would not get to Tom again, they were not going to warp his thoughts, I swear they were not going to warp his thoughts into terrible thoughts again, and if they did, there would be hell to pay.


	162. Chapter 162

**thank you to the three of you who have commented on the last add, its cheered me up after a bad evening!**

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317 Toms POV

By the time Harry, Dougie and Darren turned up, I had pulled myself together, I was not going to cry in front of that many people, I was not that attention seeking or that weak. "ready to see everyone and talk this through baby? Or do you need a minute?" Danny asked, stroking my hair, tucking it behind my ear. My hair was getting a bit too long, it needed another cut, I would cut it tonight when everyone left. "I'm fine, we better not keep them waiting." I did one last scrub of my eyes, pulling my fringe back over my face, trying to hide my now red and puffy eyes.

"alright, don't worry too much, okay? We'll make it okay, I promise." Danny smiled, kissing my cheek, taking me to the front room. "right, I've read through this article, and it sounds bad, I know. Especially with the timeline and everything, but I think, we can sort this out." Darren sighed, wait, what timeline? I hadn't even looked at it, what was the timeline about?! "what timeline?" Dougie asked, still dressed in his pyjamas, looking scared, but still half asleep in Harrys arms. Harry whispered the explanation in his ear, he paled. "anyway, I think we can fix this. I'll sort out a statement this time. Now I need the truth, what is up with you?" Darren looked at me, was there really anything wrong with me? _Apart from everything._

"everything is fine Darren. Nothing is true in there. nothing. We're fine, we're not arguing, we're not on the rocks or anything!" Danny defended, his grip on me tightening, almost becoming painful. "you sure?" Darren asked, giving me a sideways glance, like he was expecting me to talk. But I couldn't, I couldn't say anything, I was living in a different reality to everyone else, I couldn't be trusted to give a proper answer to that. "we're fine Darren I swear. We're not arguing, nothing is getting in the way of our relationship. We're happy together." Danny almost growled, _he's lying, he starting to hate you. You're causing so much trouble, you might as well start packing your bags_. I winced, I didn't like being told these things, all I wanted was to believe Danny, believe that we were fine, and we might have been now, but for how long? How many more of these things could we take before Danny gave up? How many more days of my clingy and neediness could Danny take before he gave up on me? We were going to break up, I could feel it, I had always known it, for years I had known this was too good to be true. I couldn't have had the perfect job, the perfect band, the perfect friends and the perfect boyfriend, I wasn't worth all that, I had the perfect band mates, that was it. I wasn't worth the rest of it, I had known it for years, I had only once dared to believe it was true, and that had ended up with me running after another interview killed it, bringing me back down to what was actually true. And now, because I was so clingy and needy, and in constant need of attention and sympathy, I was messing us up again, and we may have not been in trouble now, but we would be soon. It would be my fault, as per usual, it would be my fault. For not seeing the lies, not seeing the truth behind everyones actions. They were keeping this magazine from me, and there was a reason for that, I wanted to know why, but they wouldn't tell me, I was going to have to find out myself.

So, I waited, until after everyone had gone home that night, after we had drawn up a 'battle plan' against whatever this magazine had said. Then, I sent Danny back to his, telling him I wanted to be alone, that I needed to be alone, I needed time to breathe by myself. Luckily, he believed me and went home, leaving me to find the magazine and find out what this timeline thing was. It didn't take me long to find it, and my god, why did they do this?! It was horrible, the magazine had a 4 page timeline, detailing my weight from when we first started out to now. And they ripped me to shreds, guessing when I started having an 'eating disorder' and how it changed me, and how I ballooned back out again, and how I was 'boarder line too skinny' now. I hadn't thought I had gained that much weight before I ran, did I actually gain a huge amount of weight? But, why didn't I notice? And why didn't I do something about it? Also, why didn't anyone tell me I was getting big? Someone should have told me, no-one told me anything here, I just needed someone to tell me what I looked like, and I hated it. It hurt so much, it hurt so bad, couldn't anyone just be honest with me?!

318 Harrys POV

"Harry, how does Darren know that he can sort this out?" Dougie asked, curling up to me on the sofa, tucking himself right into my arms. "because Darren has contacts in the media, who can circulate the truth about whats going on...or, as near to the truth as they could can." I sighed, feeling so bad because I was just so used to this conversation. It happened so many times. At least once a week or so, whenever something like this happened. "cause we're not telling anyone about how Tom really is, are we?" Dougie looked scared, his eyes widening (I couldn't help but think that his eyes were now normal size, and it looked a little weird on him). "no, we're not. We would never do that. We're just telling them that everything is still fine between us all and to back off and leave Tom be." I explained, squeezing his hand.

"oh, alright. Is this going to be harder than last week?" Dougie whispered, never taking his eyes away from mine, looking so scared. "I don't know. Maybe. It'll be harder on Tom it think, because its all focused on him. But, as long as we make sure he's not listening to them, and that he's not in the line of fire, he should be fine, hopefully." I said truthfully, keeping Tom out of the line of fire was not going to be easy. Knowing our luck, he would end up finding out everything that was said, and then he would probably get so badly affected by whatever was said. I just hoped we could damage control it a bit, and Danny kept him away from the current magazine for the night.

Dougie went quiet then, and soon seemed to drop off on my shoulder, so I took him to bed. I was about to get in myself, when the front door opened and slammed closed, footsteps running upstairs, the loud noise made Dougie stir, but luckily not wake up. The door burst open, revealing Danny, heaving and almost in tears. "Dan? Whats up?" I stood up fully, getting attacked into a hug by Dannys long arms. "I-I'm sorry, I-It got too much!" Danny whimpered, his voice shaking, arms clinging to me. "what did? Whats happened? Danny, whats happened?" I held onto him tightly, feeling him start to quake, pushing himself into me as far as possible. "T-Tom kicked me out tonight, a-and I-I just want to be with him... I want to cut again now, I feel like its my fault!" Danny admitted, his fingers twitching, almost scratching my shoulders.

"oh Danny, its not your fault! Don't worry! Toms had a tough, confusing day, he probably needs to breathe for a while. He'll want you back tomorrow. You haven't done anything, have you?" I promised, rubbing his back gently, ignoring his scratching. "no, no I haven't. I came here instead... thats okay, isn't it? Cause, I can go home if you want me to." Danny whimpered, letting go of me. "no, its okay. Stay here, I'm glad you came here, that took a lot of courage. I'm proud of you." I pulled him closer, really proud Danny did come here instead of turning to sharp objects.

"thanks, can...can I stay here tonight?" Danny asked, looking uncharacteristically sheepish and shy. "yeah, course you can. I've already said this, haven't I? Now get into bed, Dougs looking lonely!" I smiled, laughing a little, turning to look at my husband. Dougie had amazingly stayed asleep, tangling himself in his dinosaur duvet, his hands reaching out across to my side of the bed, clutching at the pillow. Basically, he looked adorable, like usual. "alright, er, where do I go then?" Danny asked, tugging at his sleeves nervously, something he had never been around us. "wherever you want. There's enough room in the bed." I shrugged, ending up pushing him in first, sandwiching the poor Boltoner between me and Dougie, who curled up the warm body straight away.


	163. Chapter 163

**FLOYNTERxxx - i'm alright, just got a few stressful things going on at the moment! and Tom does need to see it, but the thing is, will it backfire?**

**xxPUDDxx - i'm just a bit stressed, i'll do fine in the end :) and you may be on to something there...**

319 Dougies POV

Waking up, I was greeted by the sight of an old worn tshirt, Harry didn't wear tshirts to bed...and his arms weren't this long either...what the hell?! Whoever they were, they were warm, and they smelt familiar, but where was Harry? There were more than two hands on me, were the other hands his? They were joined with mine, and ah, yes it was him, I could recognise our wedding rings and Harrys hands anywhere. I relaxed a little, knowing he was here was such a comfort. But, who was hugging me then? I looked up, seeing freckles, must have been Danny then. Tom must have kicked him out last night and he had come to ours, I wondered when he turned up.

I curled closer to Danny, wanting to have a hug, and to give him some love too. I couldn't imagine going to bed and curling up to my lover only to wake up to find him on the floor, after not being allowed to hold him all day either. In my mind, it would have been pure torture, I was surprised that Danny hadn't snapped yet, or maybe he had, and had come round afterwards to feel better?! As quick as a flash, I turned round, lifting Dannys arms, moving his sleeves up, revealing his freckled, scarred arms. Oh...my...god, this was the first time I had seen these scars, it horrified me. All the jagged lines across his arm, misshaping his freckles, but, the thing that scared me the most, was the massive cross that cut almost half way down his arm, thank god the mark was old and shallow.

"uh, what? Doug, what are you doing? Get off my arm!" Danny whined sleepily, pulling his arms away from my eyesight, yanking his sleeves down again. "w-what have you done?" I whimpered, did Toms arm look like that? Did his look worse? "oh Doug, you weren't supposed to see that." Danny sighed, moving to hug me. "I-I was going t-to see at some point...what have you d-done?" I just about kept in tears, wanting to just start crying. Just seeing what one of my best friends had done to himself, knowing my other best friend had done the same thing, had killed me. I had seen things like it in my nightmares, but I had known they weren't real, but, this time they were, this was real. Those scars were real, and they were never going away.

"I know Doug, I'm sorry. Things are just out of control, and its the only way I've found to stop all these feelings. But, you know I've been good, I haven't done it in over 6 weeks now." Danny sighed, bringing me close, turning me over so I could hug him. "how many days and hours? Tell me, please." I whispered, hoping that hearing how long it had been would stop the panic attack from rising up inside me too far. "6 weeks, 6 days, and 8 hours. Do you want minutes too?" Danny asked, did he seriously count that much?! "no, just...promise me, don't ever do that again! You can't do that ever again!" I didn't realise that my voice was getting higher and higher with every word, waking up Harry, who was round to my side in seconds, getting in behind me, wrapping his arms around me, giving me a sense of calm again. "I won't Doug, promise, I won't." Danny promised, loosening his grip a little so Harry had a bit of room to hug me as well, the boys holding me close, calming and protecting. But, all I could see behind my eyes was those scars, and how Toms arm must have looked like. But, how bad was Toms arm? Was it so covered, you couldn't see any clean skin at all? Or was it like Dannys? What did Toms arm look like?! It scared me so much, how could they do this?

"Dougie, take a deep breath, please, take a deep breath." Harry whispered, trying to beg me into breathing, I was already feeling short of breath. Because of this cutting...they could die! Tom and Danny could have died...they could still die! If they got too stressed or something, they could do it once more and go too far! I couldn't lose them, I could never lose them! "Dougie, come on, breathe. Don't faint on me please! We're going out today, you can't faint now!" Harry encouraged, rubbing circles into my back as I clung to Danny, feeling like I had to let him know that he could not die, we could not lose him. We could not lose him or Tom, no way, we had to have both of them, all the time. They could never leave, ever, they had to stay!

320 Toms POV

I was left in the house with only Carrie for company until twelve lunch time, the latest time that anyone had ever turned up, Danny, Harry and Dougie were always earlier than that. This was strange, _they're starting to leave you. Just you wait, they'll all leave...hey, look at Dannys tshirt, its Harrys. What does that tell you?_ I looked to Danny as I saw him walk down the drive to my house, he was in Harrys tshirt, and Dougies coat. Oh. He must have stayed at theirs last night. _To cheat on you._ My monster made me cringe as the doorbell rung, the possibility had been trying to invade my mind for a while now, but, surely, Danny would have broken up with me first? _Of course not, he feels sorry for you, because you're disgusting. He'll stay with you for a while, to make you feel happy, until you're too much to bare. _I winced again, staring out the window from my place in the corner, between the sofas in the smaller of my front rooms. My god, I had more than one front room, since when did I deserve this?! _You don't. Thats the problem. _

"hey, aren't you going to get that?" Carrie bounced up, she had been sitting with me for a while, not talking or anything. As usual. She ran out as fast as she could, opening the door, my band mates stumbling in. Poor Dougie looked ill, being held up by Danny and Harry, he looked at me and paled even more, his knees almost buckling underneath himself. What did I do? _He saw your face, idiot._ Could this voice just shut up please?! _Never._

"hey Tom, just give us a sec. Doug, its fine, calm down. Don't faint again, please." Harry sighed, giving up and picking Dougie up, holding him in his arms, the little ones legs around his waist. My eyes moved to where Danny put his hand, on Dougies shoulder, rubbing it a little, my eyes were trained on his hand. What had happened and why was Dougie acting like this? I wanted to go over and hug him too, but, I couldn't, I would probably make things worse. _Like usual_. I always made things worse, I wasn't going to do that again, its not like I knew what was up anyway, and the chances of being told were practically nil. I wasn't told anything that was going on anymore, the three kept it all to themselves when they could, I didn't even know why they even bothered coming round when we weren't going somewhere anymore. _They feel sorry for you because you're pathetic._

"aw Doug, whats up?" Carrie asked first, rubbing Dougies back too. "bad night, very bad night." Danny answered, proving he had spent the night with the others. _Great, he didn't even go back to his own house anymore, he goes to his real lovers instead_. Would that voice just SHUT UP now?! I knew I was worthless, but I was sure, Danny would end this relationship first before moving on! He would do that, he would...right? I hadn't been so sure a few months ago, I had been certain that we weren't properly together, but somehow, I had come to believe that we were together. But, now I didn't know what to think, looking at the scene and the sudden change today, I had almost been completely ignored. Normally, me and Danny would have at least hugged by now, he usually jumped on me, but today, he seemed content to stay with Dougie and Harry. Though, Dougie did look ill, and had obviously had a bad night, and probably a bad morning too. Maybe he was just being protective of the guy he at least felt brotherly love for?

"ah, poor Doug. It'll get better, I'm sure. Its just a magazine, after the press release has circulated, and you've done a few interviews explaining that you're all fine, it'll be okay." Carrie smiled, she was always great at comforting people. _She didn't last night as you cried like a baby, did she?_ No, she didn't, but that was because I was being quiet as I ripped my thighs to shreds. They still ached and I still felt pain as I moved too quickly, but I felt better because of it. The pain reminded me constantly that I wasn't allowed to do certain things, and if I did them, I was ruining everyone elses day. Thats why I was staying here, I would make things worse if I went over to the others, no matter how much I wanted to help cheer Dougie up. "yeah, Doug, hear that? It'll be fine. Its just a bit of stupidity, and its getting better right now." Harry sighed, kissing his precious husbands hair, looking like he wanted to cry too, I put it down to the fact he always felt like he was in agony when Dougie was in pain. Harry hated nothing more a crying Dougie, he worked to keep a smile on his face at all times, though mostly it didn't work. It never stopped him trying though, Dougie had to be happy and smiley, like the big kid he was, and no-one ever got in the way of that. _Except you._


	164. Chapter 164

**xxPUDDxx - thanks *breathes deep***

**FLOYNTERxxx - it just doesn't want Tom to think that he can do any good by comforting him :/**

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321 Dannys POV

I bit my lip viciously as I looked between Tom and Dougie, trying to decide where I was needed more. Dougie was obviously really upset still, only having calmed down an hour ago from this mornings shock. He had told us that he couldn't help but now think about what Toms arm looked like, he was worried that it looked worse than mine, that we could be triggered again and we would end up dying because of blood loss. But, that wasn't going to happen, we were getting better, and thats all that mattered. I wanted to stay and keep him calm, but Tom looked so lonely in his corner, he hadn't even said a word yet, and didn't look like he was going to any time soon either. The poor guy looked so alone, like he was trapped in a glass bubble separating him from the rest of us, or he had been chained to the floor. But, Dougie needed help at the moment too, and he was almost crying...maybe Tom would be okay for a while longer...or would he think he wasn't loved anymore? With the rumours about our relationship flying around, I didn't want to give him any reason to actually believe that. What did I do?! I didn't want to upset either of them further, where did I go?

Luckily, Tom managed to answer my problem, as I was looking at Dougie, he managed to get up and again, silently try to sneak out of the room. I was the only one who realised he was going past us, trying hard to not touch any of us, and make sure we didn't notice him, though I still did. So I followed him as he quickly ducked his way into the dining room, going to open the back door. "hey, where are you going? You can't just go out without telling us where you're going, or even saying hi, or giving me a morning hug." I made the poor guy wince so visibly, I almost winced too. "sorry, y-you were busy." Tom whispered, tears almost visible in his voice. "well, you could have still come over and said hi, we wouldn't have gotten annoyed. Actually, it could have helped Dougie a little." I went over to him, hugging the skinny blonde, making his back lean against my chest. Maybe I could get Tom back to where everyone else was, and maybe just having him there would help Dougie feel better, he was so scared Tom would break down, or I would. He was so scared that we were going to slip and we wouldn't survive. Maybe just seeing that we were still alive would help, or maybe a hug would, or something. I hated seeing Dougie so upset, but I hated Tom being upset even more. I just hoped I could cheer at least one of them up a little.

"I-I'll remember that next time." Tom used the same tone of voice again, chewing on his sleeve. It was like he wanted to say more, but he couldn't, like he couldn't allow himself to say any more than he was. "good, now where were you going?" I asked, slowly turning him round to face me. "outside, to find Marvin." Tom answered, just as Marvin came in from the corridor, meowing quite loudly. "well he's there, so how about we get away from the door?" I pulled us a little away from the door, paranoid about our close proximity to it, scared over what Toms mind was actually telling him to do outside.

We fell into quiet, standing awkwardly, our fingers twisted together, Tom chewing on his other sleeve. He still looked so upset, it broke my heart to see how close to crying Tom looked, the tears hanging in his eyes, ready to drop at any second. "are you alright? Do you want to talk about it?" I had to ask, not able to take looking at Toms tears without wanting to at least question what was wrong. "I'm fine. I'm just tired." Tom whimpered around his sleeve. "well, want to go back to bed again? Cause we have a few more hours until we have to go to our interview. So we have time." I suggested, pulling Toms hand away from his mouth. "no, no, its fine." Tom shook his head, I knew he was lying about being tired, that something else was wrong, but I didn't want to push him. Maybe he was just worried about what everyone was going to say today, about him, and his previous eating disorders, and about us, if we were arguing, falling apart. "you sure Tommy? I know todays gunna be tough, cause of whats now being said, but, we'll make it through, together. And you can talk to me, at any point, you know that, right?" I gently pushed back Toms fringe, gently kissing his hair. "yeah, yeah I know." Tom nodded, rubbing his arm, biting his lip, shaking hair back again. Now why didn't I believe that?

322 Harrys POV

"okay now Doug?" I whispered gently, rubbing his arm. "yeah, yeah, I'm better." Dougie nodded, leaning on me, looking like he wanted to be sick. "going to be okay today?" I asked, leaning him against me. "yeah, I'll be fine. Just, give me a minute to breathe." Dougie heaved, fisting my shirt, nuzzling into my chest. "yeah, alright. Come here." I kissed his hair, tracing my fingers over his tattooed arm, "anything I can do?" I continued, using a calming soft tone, trying to give Dougie a sense of comfort again.

"give me a hug...a band hug." Dougie answered, pushing himself into me, his hand slipping under my shirt, tracing my muscles because it calmed him. "alright, I'll see what I can do. Come with me." I started to stand up. "don't let me go." Dougie whimpered, pulling me down again. "I won't, don't worry, I'll pick you up." I picked him up, carrying the little blonde out of the front room to find Tom and Danny. We found them in the dining room, hugging closely for once. Well, Danny was holding Tom close, Tom had his arms crossed across his chest, leaning a little on Dannys shoulder, just gently resting it on top.

"you'll be alright Tommy, I'll be with you, we all will. I love you and I won't let you be hurt." Danny whispered, stroking Toms hair. Tom made a small noise of half asked agreement, shrugging. "please believe me Tommy, I'll be with you, I won't let them try to break us apart...hey guys." Danny sighed, noticing us in the room too. "hey, er, Dougie wants a group hug." I put Dougie on the floor, keeping a good hold on him, just in case his legs decided to give out again. "if you wouldn't mind, its just...bad morning, you know? I just want a hug." Dougie whispered, pressing himself into my back, looking like an awkward child. It still surprised me that he still was an awkward teenager at heart, even around us, knowing full well that Dougie and cuddles were never refused by any of us...apart from Tom at the moment, normally he would be hugging him as soon as the question was asked, but now, not so much.

"alright, group hug coming up." Danny pulled Tom over and wrapped his impossibly long arms around the lot of us. Dougie managed to put his arms around me and Danny, and I managed to just about have my arm around Dougie and Danny, just about reaching Toms side too. But Tom himself kept his arms crossed, just standing in our huddle, looking even more awkward than Dougie, and that was a very mean feat. But, we managed to stand together for a while, until Dougie felt safe enough again, and his legs stopped shaking, and he generally looked like he wasn't going to pass out at any second any more. We only broke apart because the door bell rang, signalling Tommys arrival to pick us up for our latest interviews. I was dreading this, because Tom was so easily influenced, he generally believed what most people told him right now, I didn't want the press to keep on telling him he was fat or anything like that, I didn't want that implanted in his brain. It would only make him worse, we were lucky that Tom was actually eating right now, I didn't want to risk him falling back to where we were a few years ago, when he really didn't eat, at all. All I could do was hope that the press wouldn't be too hard on him, or focus on this whole 'Tom has an eating disorder' thing, or focus on the rumours about Tom and Dannys relationship, yes, they had off nights, but they loved each other, and they couldn't have that ripped apart just because of Fletch creating rumours about them.


	165. Chapter 165

**xxPUDDxx - haha! i try to make everybody have an equal amount of POV's each, so they'll be a lot more Harry to come! and i have a rule, everything ends happily one way or other in all of my fics, so, probably! **

**FLOYNTERxxx - hmmm we'll have to wait and see! **

323 Dougies POV

The door bell ringing broke us out of our moment, I had loved it, being able to hug in a big group, being close for once. In some ways, I wished the bell hadn't rung so we could carry on being close, but I knew we had to sort out the outside world too, before things got out of hand and people did actually believe that Tom and Danny were on the rocks and Tom was ill. He may have been ill, but it probably would make him worse if people knew that he was ill, because then we would be questioned about it, and they could say the wrong thing and make Tom even worse. He just about managed to eat and talk right now, we couldn't make him worse when we knew a way to prevent it, could we?

"I'll go get that." Tom sighed as the door bell rang again, pulling himself out of our hold, dragging his feet as he wandered out to the door. "we better go follow him." Danny let go too, wandering along behind. We followed suit to find Tommy walking through the front door, who was reading out a list of things we were doing today. "basically, we're just doing three interviews today, one radio, two televised. And we're just going by what the press release said." Tommy finished off, leading us out to the minivan. "what does the press release say though?" Harry asked, we hadn't even been told what it said yet. "that Tom did used to have an eating problem, but it has not come back and he is completely fine. And you are both fine, nothing is going wrong with your relationship. But I've been told to tell you to specifically not say anorexia, or the names of any other disorder. Not to mention self harm, or say anything other than you're fine and you love each other." Tommy explained, driving us to the radio station, filling us in on everything that had been said with the press release. Basically what had been said was that yes Tom had had a problem a few years ago, but had gotten over it, and him and Danny were perfectly happy together, the runaway hadn't effected their relationship. Now, if anyone actually believed that, was another matter entirely.

Arriving at the radio station, it was surprisingly quiet, you'd think after two major stories about us would caused a media circus to follow us. But, it looked like there wasn't going to be one, for that I was glad. People sticking cameras in our faces and following us around would not help Tom in anyway, he hadn't been put through anything like that in a while, since he came back, none of us wanted him to be put through that now after that recent article. It didn't stop us running into the building though, just in case.

"welcome! Follow me, you're on in about 5 minutes." A small man led us through hallways, chattering excitedly about...something, I wasn't paying attention. I was looking at Tom instead, how he kept his head down, letting Danny lead him with his hand on his hip, chewing on his sleeve again. We were led to a studio, where the host was playing a random song, another generic one that sounded exactly like everything else in the charts these days. He welcomed us as we sat down, mentally preparing ourselves for the awful questions, the prying into our relationships and Toms deep problems inside his head.

"welcome back to radio one, I've been joined by McFLY to talk about this latest news that has come out. It seems like you're full of surprises recently!" the presenter started cheerily, thankfully not armed with the magazine with the first article in, just a newspaper with our statement in. "yeah, not intentionally though." Harry managed to force a smile, squeezing mine and Dannys hand. "ah well, shall we get started? How about you tell us the truth about this whole thing about Tom?" the presenter started, giving Tom a fascinated wide eyes look. "well, to start off with, we're not fighting, or arguing, or anything like that. We are still as in love with each other as we've always been." Danny started, running his fingers over Toms side, who just started playing with his fingers. "are you sure? Cause from what we've heard, you guys are having some problems, because of Tom running away, you can't say that that didn't cause at least some sort of problem for you two, or all four of you?" the presenter pushed, Tom let out an almost inaudible whimper.

"well, it did at the beginning, but, we worked things out, and we are fine again now. There's nothing wrong with us anymore. We're worked it out and have put it all behind us!" Danny admitted, already looking panicked, glancing between the host and Tom, trying to gauge what this conversation was doing to the blonde. So far, he just looked guilty, and nervous. "ah so you're telling us that having Tom run away hasn't left some grudges or anything?" did this guy have to keep on about this? We were NOT holding grudges against Tom! We did not think anything bad about him!

Dannys arms tightened around Toms torso, bringing him closer to himself, rubbing his side gently, his protective side was coming out. "we love Tom, no matter what he does. Nothing will change that, _ever._" Danny almost growled, his face almost in a glare. "we do, we love Tom, no matter what. We've forgiven him and forgotten about it." Harry joined in, his arm sliding around mine and Dannys waists, telling the Boltoner to calm down a little.

324 Dannys POV

I already _hated _this interview, why did this host have to try and make it seem like there was some sort of grudge that we had against Tom when we didn't?! I held no grudges against Tom, none of us did, he wasn't in his right mind when he ran away, and he wasn't still in his right mind at the moment, but I was sure we were getting somewhere! We were getting somewhere, I was sure, he was getting better, right? Why couldn't the media just leave Tom alone, and leave our relationships alone? Tom was so easily influenced, at this rate they would actually get Tom believing the things they were saying, and I didn't want us to break up, we couldn't break up, he was my whole world, I didn't want him to leave me for something as stupid as the media making up rubbish again.

"okay, erm, what about this previous trouble? The things we've heard about what happened a few years ago, something about an eating disorder or something?" the host backed up a bit, looking nervous, before going straight back to full on with horrible questions. "no, there was not an eating disorder, there was just..." now I was lost, I think we all were, what did we say to that? What could we say to that? "there was just what? Tom, would you like to elaborate? You haven't said anything yet!" the host turned to Tom, almost staring at the poor guy, who was growing more and more uneasy as time went on. I could feel the nerves radiating from Tom, the poor guy was shaking, his head looking at the floor like that would help hide him from being asked questions.

As soon as the question was asked, Tom went rigid, the panic we were feeling starting to transfer to him now. "er, it just...happened." Tom shrugged, making the effort to look up a bit, though still using a tiny voice. "really? And how do you feel about the pictures that have been used in the first article? Detailing what was going on at the time." The host carried on, his eyes boring into Tom. I pulled Tom closer, letting him know that I was there too, that he didn't need to worry, I was going to back him up when he needed it. "they're just pictures...they don't matter much." Tom didn't sound confident of his answer, but it was probably the best we were going to get. I was proud of Tom though, for trying, and managing, to actually answer. I hadn't have thought he would have, so I was quite proud of todays achievements so far.

"are you sure they don't matter to you?" the host pried again, could he just shut up now?! We had answered him, there was no point in being persistent like this. "no, they don't matter to us, they're just pictures, like Tom said." Harry backed my boyfriend up, as he deflated. Tom looked down again, pulling his long fringe over his eyes, those pictures did matter to him, even though he hadn't seen them yet. Maybe it would be better if we did show them to him, then he would know what had been said, so he wasn't guess working his answers.

"alright, well, we've run out of time here, it was nice talking to you McFLY." The host wrapped cut to another song, One Last Kiss - Madina Lake. We didn't say goodbye to the host or anything, just hurried out of there, before anything else could be said, I didn't want Tom to hear any more critism than he had to endure right now. I mean, showing him the pictures and going through these interviews were going to be enough to worry him, but, I didn't want him to hear anything more than necessary. Tom was already fragile enough, I wasn't going to let him be exposed to something that could shatter him.


	166. Chapter 166

**FLOYNTERxxx - when i say chapters, i don't meant each upload, i mean each POV change! the other place where i post these fics i post each individual POV as a single update, but i double up here so i can try and catch up to the sequel as quick as possible! so it shouldn't take all year to post this! :)**

**xxPUDDxx - yeah, i can torture him for so long, but i always have to give him a happy ending, i can't stand sad endings! **

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325 Toms POV

The day past slowly, the interviews all trying to get the truth out of us, about mine and Dannys relationship, and about my apparent health problems. They knew there was something wrong in my head, and it was pretty obvious that there was something wrong with me in general, so why didn't they leave it at that? And if me and Danny were struggling with our relationship, then wasn't it obvious why? I mean, look at me, who would honestly like being in love with this? I know I wouldn't, and I didn't think anyone else sane would have either. But, Danny defended me the whole time, saying that the pictures were just pictures and we were fine in our relationship, even though I was secretly starting to doubt that. The amount of times the others went off to leave me by myself in a corner somewhere was unbelievable, they kept on leaving me on my own, talking in whispers on the other side of the room, glancing at me every few seconds. I tried to ignore it, but after the 4th time, I really couldn't ignore it much anymore, the way they were looking between me and each other, not even trying to hide that they were talking about me again, it wasn't easy to pretend it wasn't happening, even with Mellissa chatting away to me animatedly, like I was paying attention to her.

The talking didn't even stop when we got home, the first thing Danny, Harry and Dougie did was go into a huddled group with Carrie as soon as they saw her, leaving me to do something, though I'm not sure what. _Go away and leave them to it, they don't want you here anymore._ I was told, so I went out, deciding to go upstairs and hide my unwanted self away until I was needed again. I went away and hid in my room, sitting in a corner, the furthest from the door, underneath a duvet. I didn't want to be seen right now, everyone had been looking at me today, practically staring at my face and realising just how deformed it was. The world didn't want to see my face anymore, it was probably best to hide it for a while until everyone recovered.

"Tommy? Honey, why are you up here? And whats with the duvet?" Dannys voice turned up about half an hour later. _Took him long enough to realise you weren't there, he's supposed to be your lover, not doing a very good job at pretending, is he?_ But, he was talking, maybe he just didn't notice because he was in a conversation. Its not like he had eyes in the back of his head for me. _Even if he could he wouldn't, he doesn't love you, and doesn't want to look at you either_. Yeah, I knew that I wasn't nice to look at, but, Danny did at least like me, I was sure. He wouldn't have written all those songs, and wouldn't have come up with all those things he loved about me a few months ago, to not at least like me, right?

"Tommy, I need to talk to you, its important." Danny pulled the duvet from my head, burning away my inner battle as the light suddenly burnt my eyes. "okay." I whispered, so he knew I was paying attention. I always listened to what others said, whether or not I believed it was another matter. "I know that today was tough, and you did so well in those interviews, talking about the pictures and stuff. But, we've all been thinking, that it would probably be easier if you see the pictures and the whole article yourself. You were talking about it blind today, do you think you'll find it easier if you see them?" Danny asked, fiddling with a piece of my hair, kneeling in front of me, staring at my face too. Could everyone just stop staring now?! I was deformed and ugly, I got it, could we move on please? _He's staring at you to compare then with now. And you should too, you haven't improved a bit. _I didn't want to look at the pictures again, see the captions underneath, but I guess I was going to have to. It would look weird if I didn't, I had to look at them again, if just to show that I could, and that this time I would not cry because of it.

"yeah, I'll look." I nodded, being led back downstairs again. Everyone was in the front room, watching some show, Harry and Dougie were cuddling up as much as they could, and Carrie was on her laptop. They looked happy, not like earlier, whatever was said must have been good. Danny didn't lead me in there though, we went to the dining room, the dreading magazine waiting there, staring me in the face. "now, I don't want you to be brave for me right now. If it gets too much, you can close it and I won't force you to carry on reading. And if you need to cry about it, then don't bottle it up, just cry, I won't judge you." Danny rubbed my back, making me sit down. _Don't you dare cry, you've done it once, don't do it again. _I wasn't going to cry, and if I did, I wouldn't do it in public, where people could see me. I was not showing weakness in front of people, not even my boyfriend, who didn't like spending time with me even when I was in a good mood. _His real boyfriends are better looking and less pathetic than you, thats why._ Yeah, that was true, they were better looking, and less pathetic, but, they weren't his boyfriends...yet.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the thoughts flying around inside my head to the back and opened the page, finding the article straight away. Seeing the pictures again, the fat 18 year old me standing next to my younger, thinner, prettier band mates, the captions guessing how much I weighed compared to the others. The pictures went through our career, so many of them revolving around me and food, so many pictures of me with food...so many captions, taking the mick out of my weight, my face, my hair, my dress sense, everything! Why did they do this to me? Where did they get these pictures from, and why did they find it funny to do this to me? Did they enjoy making me feel so low all I wanted to do was cry and cut myself to shreds? Why was that fun to them? T_hey're trying to make you better, shape you into what the public wants_. But what everyone wanted was an incredibly beautiful man, with muscles and a nice hair cut, who had talent and could actually be liked. That wasn't me, I couldn't be like that, I wasn't like that, I couldn't be what they wanted me to be. I was worthless.

326 Dannys POV

There was silence as Tom looked through the magazine, I waited, tensed, for the storm to erupt. The tears falling like the rain and the upset flashing like lightening. All I could do, was rub Toms back, and hope to god that he took this calmly. "baby, okay so far?" I asked, drawing pictures on Toms back, trying to sooth him before it got too much. "y-yeah, fine." Tom nodded, his voice wobbling already. "had enough?" I worried, edging closer to him, wanting to just take the magazine from him and hold him.

"no." Tom shook his head, carrying on staring at the pictures, tears welling up. "alright, just tell me if you need to stop." I sighed, smoothing his tshirt, getting rid of the wrinkles. Tom didn't answer me, carrying on reading instead, his hands going upwards, pulling at his hair, touching his face. He stopped on his chin, and whimpered, loudly. "Tommy, whats the matter?" I pulled his hand away, using my spare one to run through his hair. "n-nothing." Tom shook his head, pushing his hands into his eyes. "alright, I think its time to look away from this." I pulled the magazine from the table, chucking it away, hugging him. "n-no! Leave me alone!" Tom whimpered again, pushing his hands further into his eyes, like that would stop the tears. "oh baby, its not true, none of it is true." I whispered, kissing Toms hair, tightening my hold on him as he started to writhe. I wasn't going to let him go, no way, not while he was like this, when he needed to feel love.

"let me go! Don't touch me no!" Tom cried out, pushing at me weakly, he wasn't that strong, he wasn't moving me much at all. "no, Tom, listen to me, its not true. You are not fat, your hair is not stupid, neither is your dress sense, your face is beautiful, you are beautiful. You are f*cking perfect, you are so perfect. Don't listen to this article." I saw the rain and lightening start in Toms eyes, trickling down his face like the rain would down a window. Then I realised the water was making the make up on Toms face run, he hadn't taken it off yet.

"let me go! Get off me! Get off!" Tom brought up strength from somewhere, shoving me off of him, running away upstairs, reaching his bedroom before any of us could grab him. "what the hell happened?" Harry heaved by the door, after having running up all the flights of stairs to get here. "the magazine, it was a mistake. To say the least it was a mistake." I explained, Dougie and Carrie paled. "how badder of a mistake?" Harry asked, squeezing Dougies side, I prayed he wouldn't start to hyperventilate again. "what does this tell you?" I pointed to the locked door, where clear crying could be heard. My heart broke at the sound, it was such a mistake to show Tom the pictures, but he needed to see them at the same time, so he knew what had been originally said, so he could stick up for himself. I had expected him to react badly, but not this badly, how could I have not seen this coming? I knew what Tom was like, and I hadn't seen this coming? I really was stupid.

"hey, its not your fault, we had to show him." Dougie put his hand on my shoulder, seemingly reading my mind. "I know, but, I wish I hadn't." I sighed, leaning on the door. I knew there was no point in trying to get Tom out of there, I think it was better to let him cry for a while, then go in and tell him that he was perfect and the article was complete rubbish. "well, we can't undo it now, we're just going to have to live with it now." Harry sighed too, obviously used to this sort of thing now. I don't think I would ever get used to it, and to know it was my fault too, it was awful.


	167. Chapter 167

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - :( *hands him over for a hug***

**FLOYNTERxxx - haha! it does suck for Danny, not being able to help Tom through this, maybe he'll learn to in a while!**

327 Toms POV

I could not stop crying, this was horrible, the second time round was worse than the first, somehow it made the pictures and captions even worse. Why did I agree to looking at them? How could I possibly agree to looking at those pictures?! And after promising myself that I wouldn't cry, go and cry again, worse than the first time, crying helplessly on the floor, not even being strong enough to get up and get away from the door. "Tommy, honey, wanna come out and talk about it?" Dannys voice managed to work its way inside my ears. "n-no!" I whimpered, choking on my tears.

"it was all lies Tom, don't be so upset about it!" Dougies voice was next. "yeah, they all lied! Fletch told them to write that, and no-one actually believes any of it!" Harrys voice turned up too, the door trying to open, but I had thankfully locked it. No-one was seeing me crying like this, they had seen my face too much already, they were not seeing it when it was even more deformed by my tears. _They do believe it, everyone believes it. You may not be fat now, but you were, and you will be again. You'll balloon out again, just like you did last time_. "go away!" I moaned to all four voices, not wanting to hear any of it. Couldn't I just be left to cry for a while? _Never._

"Tommy, please, don't believe it, it isn't true, not a word of it! They're lying Tommy, please believe me, they're lying. You're perfect, you are so beautiful, don't listen to what the magazine is saying! They're blind!" Danny pleaded, _he is the one lying, he's the blind one. You are not perfect and you never will be, not without surgery._ "shut up! I don't want to hear it!" I whimpered, pleaded the monstrous voice to just shut up and leave me alone. I didn't want to hear the truth about myself all the time, I wanted to be left alone sometimes, but with this voice here, I was never alone.

"Tommy, want me to come in there? You don't sound too good." Danny worried, well dur I didn't sound good, I was crying and having a complete breakdown in here! "n-no, stay outside!" I whimpered, and refused him entry all night, until it was time for bed, after I had stopped crying, and I looked half way to normal again. I was trying to make myself look good, even though I was going to bed, not wanting Danny to think I wasn't trying anymore so he would give up on me. My mental list of improvement was getting longer, and looking in the full length mirror, I realised just how much I needed to change. In my mind, I had written all over myself, marking out all the wrong things. 'smaller' was written on my chin, and my nose. My hair had been marked with 'too messy, needs cutting'. My stomach was 'too small' surprisingly, but I couldn't put on too much, so I didn't start wobbling again.

"Tom, can I come in yet?" Danny asked, scaring me. I had forgotten he was still outside, waiting for me to be ready. "no, give me a minute." I called, running to get a proper pair of pyjamas on and fix my face and hair. I flattened my hair and shoved it into my beanie hat again, pulling my fringe just so it covered my eyes, like it should have. It was getting a bit too long at the moment, I was going to cut it tomorrow, when we got up, to save Mellissa a job. I was sure she didn't want to touch me that much. Anything I could do beforehand to save her time was a bonus, it was half the reason I did do my hair and make up before we left the house, even though she always went and redid it, telling me it was her job and I didn't need to do it for her.

"you're beautiful Tom, I don't mind what you look like." Danny called after I had finished getting ready. _He does, don't ever believe him_. I wasn't taking chances, I wasn't about to believe him, ever. "you can come in now." I replied, ignoring him, keeping my head down as the door opened. "hey, feeling any better now?" Danny gingerly put his hands on me, bringing me closer to him by my hips. "yeah, loads." I lied, craving a hug, but not allowing myself to hug back, or even lean the freckled northerner. "good, this'll all be over soon, don't worry. We'll sort this out soon and get rid of Fletch properly so he can't do this anymore." Danny promised. "yeah, okay." I whispered, not believing it. "we've got Darren and Richard tracking the ferret down, they'll find him and stop him from stirring anything more up." Danny brought me even closer, kissing my hat covered head, making me lean my head on his shoulder, clearly trying to make me cheer up by calling Fletch a ferret again.

328 Harrys POV

The next day, Tom wasn't really much better, he was out of his room as last, but Tom was quieter than usual today, he was practically silent as Danny held him, his arms firmly crossed over his chest, his grey tshirt falling over his fisted hands. Danny looked so worried, but was trying to hide it by hiding his face in Toms hair, holding the small boy as close as he could before Tom freaked at the close contact. "shh baby, we'll make it all okay." Danny whispered, rocking himself and Tom from side to side a little. "hey, okay Tom?" I asked, whispering gently, putting a hand on his back, not sure what else to do. Tom made a small noise and nodded, his head pillowed on Dannys shoulder, because of Dannys hand keeping him there.

"then whats up then?" Dougie asked, sliding himself between me and Tom, hugging him hesitantly, ready to let go if he had to. "nothing." Tom whispered, now shaking his head. "yeah, Tom just wants a hug, right Tommy?" Danny supplied, trying to put on a smile, not quite managing it. He looked so scared, like this was so serious, like Tom had harmed himself again. I paled at the thought. I would have to talk to him later, when he let go of Tom for a few minutes. At the moment, that looked like a long wait. The way he was clinging to Tom was almost desperate, like if he let go, Tom would fall to pieces, physically and metaphorically. I just hoped they would get through todays onslaught of interviews, before they destroyed them, making everything worse.

Before we knew it, it was time to go, time to defend ourselves again, against the idea that Tom and Danny were in trouble. If only the public knew just how much trouble they were in, they were in so much trouble right now, only in a different way than what everyone thought. "ready Tommy? We'll only be a few hours hopefully, then we'll come home." Danny now managed a semi reasonable smile, kissing Toms hair gently. "yeah, ready." Tom nodded, looking at all of our clothes, then at his own. I had guessed this was going to happen and me and Dougie hadn't even bothered getting dressed, instead we were still in our tracksuit bottoms, and baggy tshirts, Danny was the same, so Toms baggy shirt and jeans didn't really look that bad. He was the best dressed out of the lot of us, so it wasn't too bad on him.

Again, when we arrived at the TV studio, no-one was there again. I was glad about that, they would have surely picked up on our state of dress and twisted it into something completely different than what it was. "Doug, stick close, alright? Don't wander off please." I brought Dougie close, making him stand by my side protectively. I knew that Dougie would never wander off without telling me he was going on a wander, but I felt like I had to do something to make sure at least someone was safe. I couldn't really help Tom at the moment, and I could help Danny when we got two minutes by ourselves, but right now at this second, the only person I could help was Dougie. So I would do all I could to help him, and hope that it helped us as a whole in some way. Luckily, Dougie seemed to sense my need to help, and pressed himself close to my side, his arm going round my middle, holding my shirt.


	168. Chapter 168

**FLOYNTERxxx - :/ **

**xxPUDDxx - haha! *prepares self* **

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329 Dougies POV

I kept close to Harry until we got to our dressing rooms, Tommy had learnt to give us two now, so Tom was comfortable to get changed by himself. Though, Danny still looked like a kicked puppy when Tom left to his own room, the blonde also looking a mix between a lost child and a kicked puppy too. "Dan, what happened yesterday?" Harry asked, as Mellissa left us three alone to tend to Tom, though he was already made up, like always. I hadn't seen him without make up and messy hair in weeks, possibly months. I dreaded to think what he looked like underneath all of that make up. "nothing, nothing really. We hugged a lot, and went to bed. He's just a bit depressed." Danny sighed, going through the rail with all of our clothes on.

"but you look so worried, whats happened?" I pushed a little, feeling a little confident. "he hasn't cut before you even go there, and neither have I. we're just a bit tired, and Toms just a little upset still, those pictures were horrible anyway, I don't blame him." Danny explained, picking out a black and white striped tshirt, accompanied with a jacket, with blue skinny jeans with a rip at the knee. "you sure that's it?" Harry pushed a little, changing into my 'I hate her' tshirt, having already changed into a pair of jeans. "yeah, I'm sure. We just need some sleep, and for this whole thing to go away. We'll be fine after that." Danny nodded, fiddling with the key around his neck again. "alright...are you ever going to take that off?" I nodded towards the key in his fingers.

"no, probably not. Or at least not until its the right time to give it to Tom. Whens he's better. I'll give it to him then, its like a goal of sorts, to be able to give this to him and have him say that he'll move in with me." Danny sighed, I knew he had been planning on asking Tom to move in with him on their anniversary, but he never got the chance, because Tom disappeared before he got the chance. "makes sense, but, you should defiantly ask him at some point, it is awesome living together." I smiled, leaning on Harrys side, holding his hand as it slid around my waist. "I know it is. And I know we sort of live together, but, I want it to be official." Danny tucked the key back into his tshirt, leaving his other necklace to be seen. He never usually let the key be seen, it was always tucked into his tshirt, it was like it was his little secret, before pulling on his shoes, signalling the end of the conversation.

I shrugged it off, getting changed myself, into my ripped jeans, tucking a bandana into the back pocket. "boys, are you ready yet?" Tommy came in, Tom standing behind him, looking nervous as hell. "yeah, we're ready." Danny practically ran into Tom, enveloping the blonde into his arms, trying to give him some sort of support. Tom relaxed a little surprisingly, actually putting his hands on Dannys arms in an awkward hug that was usually my position. "it'll be okay baby, I promise. It won't be any worse than yesterday, I'll make sure of it." Danny whispered, kissing Toms shoulder, squeezing him. "yeah, just remember, it can't be any worse than yesterday. And we'll do most of the talking if you want us to." Harry supplied, grabbing my hand, directing the whole of that at me as well as Tom. I didn't really fancy saying anything either, I wasn't good at talking, especially not when it was about serious things. I was good at making weird noises and adding in things in sometimes, but not in these situations. It was like I froze up, and I couldn't speak, unless it got really serious, then I would defend Tom the hardest I could, like any other friend would.

330 Toms POV

I slowly walked onto the set hand in hand with Danny, being greeted by the sound of loud clapping. Harry and Dougie wandered in behind us, also hand in hand, hopefully showing that we were all still in love as usual and nothing was going on with us. _Or is there?_ No there wasn't, I loved Danny and Danny loved me, that was all there was to know. _But when did you last say 'I love you' sometime last year...you sure you really do love your precious Danny?_ Of course I did, I loved Danny with everything, just because I couldn't say those words, I still showed it, right?

"welcome McFLY! Second time on this sofa in two weeks!" the same presenter who stirred so much up last time greeted us, why were on here again? "yeah." Danny half heartedly laughed, his hand protectively winding around my waist, keeping me close, like I was about to be ripped away from him. "but last time, we were just learning about your relationship, and now we're hearing that you're having some troubles, because of you, Tom." The presenter gave me a look between a glare and an fake overly interested look. I whimpered and everyone else tensed. "we're not. Tom hasn't done anything wrong." Danny defended straight off, bringing me closer to his body. _He's lying, you've messed up so much for so long. If you break up, its all your fault_. But, I hadn't done anything wrong, had I? Yeah, I hadn't said the magic words, or eaten in front of people, but, that wouldn't cause such a problem, would it? _Of course it would. _

"none of us are having any problems, we're all fine! Nothing is happening!" Harry joined in, putting his hand on my shoulder, squeezing Dougie too. "alright, alright, if you insist! So why don't you give us the truth then?" the presenter was still giving me that weird look, the hands on me tightened. "the truth is that we are fine together, and nothing is wrong with any of us. Our relationships are still as strong as ever, if not stronger," Danny started, rubbing my arm. _But the relationships aren't being made stronger with you._ The monster helpfully added. "but, our old manager, Fletch, is trying to stop that, because we kinda fired him a few weeks ago. Nothing he says is true, apart from us being gay and together." Danny explained, looking between the presenter and me, his hands all the time on me, luckily keeping them away from any scars, or anything else bad like that.

"why did you fire him?" the presenter, I didn't know his name, carried on, turning towards Danny now. "he was just, not what we needed anymore. He was pushing us too far and wasn't being understanding." Harry explained slowly, what did we say about that? "right," the presenter dragged out the word, like he didn't believe us, "so what is this about having separate dressing rooms?" wait, what?! How the hell did he know about that?! "what about separate dressing rooms?" Danny looked a little scared, his grip on me tightening a little. "doesn't Tom use a separate dressing room to you?" the presenter looked at me again, would he stop looking at me?! It was bad enough that there was a camera pointed right at me, though I was trying to ignore it, I didn't want an actual person looking at me, judging me, looking at my imperfections.

"its just, Tom needs..." Danny trailed off. "I need a little space." I whispered, finally saying something. "what was that?" the presenter leant closer. "I need...a little bit of space, to get ready and...stuff." I said a little louder, looking down at my hands, actually regretting having my fringe trimmed, so it didn't cover my face as much as it used to. "yeah, Tom needs a bit of space." Danny jumped in, reaching round and holding my hand, squeezing it. "oh, because of your 'mental problems' you have?" why was there air quotations around that?! Why did he do the air quotations with his fingers?!

"er...yeah, thats it." I nodded, because what else could I say? "oh really? Why does that effect going into interviews and things then?" now this guy looked interested, I hadn't wanted that! Well, I did, but, not like this! I was trying to stop him from going on about my problems, now this had made it worse!


	169. Chapter 169

**FLOYNTERxxx - not at all! i just wasn't sure what to reply, and when i'm not sure what to reply i reply with a face! i'm sorry for the confusion, but you didn't insult me at all! **

331 Dannys POV

I don't think Tom had meant for his last answer to end up going down this route, judging by the way he cringed into me, gulping visibly. "I-It just, does." Tom whimpered, looking down at his knees like he was ashamed, though I don't think the audience or the presenter could see his face, which was lucky I guess. "its not that bad, Tom just needs a bit of space to get ready." I backed Tom up, trying so hard to not pull him onto my lap or take him away from here. Running from this would only make things worse, we were the only ones who could set this straight, and we were just going to have to endure things like this. "but why? If everything is fine between the four of you, why does Tom need to have a different dressing room? Are these 'problems' really that bad?" the presenter finally looked to me, making more air quotations, but what could I say? We hadn't been told what to say if this came up, we couldn't actually say 'yeah, Tom has an eating disorder, and he can't cope with normal things like eye contact. Things are a little bit tense between the two of us but we are working on it' but we couldn't lie either now, it was obvious now that there was something wrong with Tom, but we couldn't ever say what was wrong, mostly because we didn't even know ourselves. Tom was just, Tom, quiet and self conscious Tom, just a little more extreme with his emotions and silence.

"he just does, okay? There's nothing wrong with that at all." Harry defended, practically growling. No-one got to imply that we were lying, or do anything to upset any of us without the others going into attack mode. So far, this presenter had made Tom look like he wanted to cry, and poor Dougie looked so scared, and doing so much as stopping Dougies smile was enough for Harry going into attack mode. "okay...well, I think its time for a break. We'll be back in a few minutes." The presenter called a break, we relaxed. Finally, we could get out of here.

As soon as the cameras stopped rolling, we were practically running through the corridors back to our minivan, being taken off to wherever we were going next. Only then I actually pulled Tom into my arms, wrapping him up like it would protect him from the world. "I'm sorry." Tom whispered straight away, not letting me hold his hand, just about letting me hug him. "you don't have to be sorry baby. Its not your fault." I shook my head, kissing his own, rubbing his back. "it is, I'm sorry." Tom disagreed, clearly getting uncomfortable and agitated now. "no need to be sorry Tom, we all still love you no matter what. That presenter was a d*ck, just like last time. Just ignore him again, ignore all of the presenters actually, they all talk complete cr*p." Dougie joined in, leaning over his seat, encouraging smile on his face. "yeah, he's just a d*ck, ignore him." Harry leant over the seat too, his hand staying on Dougies back, always being there, never letting go.

"exactly, just another presenter trying to get us to say something bad so everyone can blow up about it." I agreed, stroking Toms hair, hoping it would calm him down a little. He looked so guilty, it broke my heart to pieces, it was like he believed that everything was his fault, like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. "I guess." Tom shrugged, not looking convinced, more like he was agreeing just to get out of this conversation.

332 Harrys POV

The next couple of interviews over the next few days were just as depressing and incriminating as the first, by the end of the week, Tom was barely holding himself together, obviously trying not to cry at the things the presenters were saying. It was like the word of our first interview had spread across the whole media industry, and now everyone was asking again about Toms mental state, barely believing that something was wrong. I couldn't tell if it was a good that people didn't believe it or not. It was good in a way because then the public hopefully just thought he was normal, but then again they could have thought he had changed into something terrible when he really hadn't. Either way, it was really putting Tom down now, he was a mess by the last interview, luckily it was for a magazine, so there wasn't any cameras around to film him look so ashamed of himself.

"Tom, are you okay?" I asked on the way to the car, noticing how he was shaking while he walked. "y-yeah, I'm fine." Tom nodded, hurrying to put his earphones into his ears, but his shaking fingers couldn't quite manage it. "alright, but do you want to go out tonight or not? Cause we don't have to." Danny took away his earphones, reminding me that we were going to a film premiere tonight. It was the latest Pirates of the Caribbean, and Dougie was beyond excited, had been ever since we had found out, because, as everyone knew, Dougie_ loved_ pirates. He wasn't called Captain Dougwash for nothing! "I still want to go out yeah." Tom nodded, inwardly wincing again, he did that a lot recently.

"okay, but if you change your mind..." Danny trailed off, like it was pointless to say that, it wasn't like Tom would say anything even if he did change his mind. He would never say anything to ruin anything for us, even if we told him we didn't mind. "yeah, I'll tell you. But I won't, don't worry." Tom forced a smile, taking back his earphones and jamming them in his ears, wandering over to the car, where Dougie had already skipped to. He was practically bouncing on the spot, despite the past few interviews, just the thought of pirates sent Dougie into a complete state of childish (too adorable for words) glee. "at least one of us is happy." I whispered in Dannys ear as he sighed, trudging towards the car. "yeah, at least one of us is." Danny agreed half heartedly, clambering into the car after his boyfriend.

Dougie bounced into the car after him, luckily, sort of used to the worrying quiet between Tom and Danny. Tom had his music on loud, the beat was easy to hear from here, Danny on the other hand was looking at Toms curled up form, reaching out and holding onto Toms hand. Luckily, the blonde let him. "oh my god, I can't wait for tonight! Its going to be so b*tching!" Dougie bounced, repeatedly slapping my arm in excitement. "Doug, calm down, its only a film!" I grabbed his hands, stopping him from hitting me even more. "but its got pirates again Harry! _Pirates!_ You know I love pirates!" Dougies eyes were disappearing because of his smile, it was good to see him smile again, and be just so excited.

"I know you do Dougs, but just, calm down." I whispered, not really wanting to spoil his fun, but needing him to calm down, just a little bit. Tom and Danny needed some quiet time at the moment, before we went back into being in front of a whole load of cameras again. "alright. But still, pirates Harry!" Dougie deflated, then inflated again, bouncing a little. "yeah, and pirates are the coolest people ever, I know." I had to laugh, Dougie just go so excited about pirates and the things he loved. I found it so cute, it was one of the things I loved about him, how he got so excited over everything.


	170. Chapter 170

**xxPUDDxx - its their jobs to get as much information out of him as possible, even if it means being horrid to get that information :/**

**Oh quick question for everyone! I've thought of a few SA ideas relating back to this fic, things like how Harry and Dougie got engaged, Tom and Danny first meeting etc, would anyone be interested in me posting them up here? They won't further this story anymore, but they could give a bit more background into the band dynamic during happier times. Let me know if anybody would be interested in posting them!**

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333 Dougies POV

I knew that there was still some trouble going on between Tom and Danny, but I couldn't help but think, maybe if I showed just how excited I was to go to see this film, then maybe Tom and Danny would focus on my excitement and stop being so worried. I knew it was a stupid idea, but I felt like I had to do something to distract them from the past few interviews, all of them making Tom look so guilty for the way he was, and really rubbing it in that they didn't believe that there was something wrong with him. Even though it was clear that he really wasn't well, I hadn't seen him near food whenever we were out, or even in the house. It scared me, and I just wanted Tom to feel better. So maybe showing that I was childishly excited for this would make him feel like he could at least show that he was happy to go too. At least I was making Harry smile.

"come on Captain, we've got to get ready." Harry laughed as we drove up to our house, pulling me out of the car by my hand. "meet you guys back here in an hour!" Danny pulled Tom into his house, the both of them almost running. I was running into our house, almost rushing to get ready, getting changed into one of my Saint Kidd tshirts (keeping with the pirate theme) and another pair of skinny jeans. I was in the middle of tucking my trousers into my Jack Sparrow boots when Harry came out of the shower and saw me. "you're actually going to wear them to the premiere?" Harry raised an eyebrow, used to my completely mad ways by now. "yep!" I smiled, bouncing up to my feet, thinking it looked quite cool. "alright, whats the method behind the madness today?" Harry stood behind me, looking into the mirror from behind my shoulder, his hands holding onto my hips gently.

"Pirates Of the Caribbean premiere, pirate boots. Thought it would fit." I shrugged. Maybe wearing them would also detract attention from Tom, if the cameras got too much for him. "it does fit well. Good thinking Dougs." Harry smiled, handing me my coat. "thanks, I try." I pulled it on, carrying on our conversation as I watched Harry get dressed, before running out to the street, piling into the car after Tom and Danny, freshly washed and changed again. "nice boots Doug!" Danny commented with a laugh. "I know, my pirate boots!" I grinned, liking that it was already drawing attention. I usually hated having attention on only me, but I would do it if it detracted at least a little away from Tom.

Getting to the premiere, we were greeted by the sight of thousands of cameras flashing, so many people had turned up, and now so many were looking our way. It was like they were watching us closely, in case one of us cracked and did something worthy of news. Me and Tom whimpered, not sure that this was actually a good idea. "come on Tom, the quicker we get down here, the quicker we are inside and out of the way of all of this." Danny encouraged, his arm hugging Toms worryingly small waist, which was getting smaller and smaller as the days went by. "yeah, quicker we get down, the quicker the pirates will start." Harry smiled at me, squeezing my hand. Both him and Danny started walking, making me and Tom move too.

We stayed huddled together for the entirety of our walk down the carpet, staying tucked up in a close huddle, arms around each other, holding hands. Me and Tom were kept in the middle, protected by our lovers, they're arms around us with our hands entwined. I managed to relax a bit as we got into the swing of it again, we hadn't been to a premiere in ages, in over two years, it wasn't like everyone was looking, just a few people we were standing in front of. But that didn't stop Tom looking so awkward, like he didn't know what to do. "its okay, just relax Tommy, relax." Danny whispered, pressing a kiss to Toms hair, the boy struggling to keep his head facing forward.

334 Toms POV

I couldn't relax, it was impossible! There were so many people, all staring at me, all of them looking at me, judging me, looking at how ugly I was. Doing this was giving them more ammunition to hit me with, show just how horrible I was, even though I had tried so hard to make myself look better_. It didn't work, you look like an over grown boy in that outfit. And that make up just made you look even worse, you're chin still looks huge_. I wanted to run and hide in a hole somewhere, away from all these faces and cameras, where there was no photographic evidence of what I looked like.

"you're doing well Tom, I'm proud. Its just a little while longer until we're safely hidden away in the cinema." Danny assured, moving us along the carpet, standing us a little closer to the cinema. "over here! Look over here! This way!" loads of photographers shouted as Harry and Dougie joined us, Dougies arm going round my waist, he looked so happy. In fact, all three of my band mates did, they were in their element, safe in the knowledge that they didn't look bad (even in pirate boots) and that no-one would take the mick out of them. _Because they're pretty, unlike you, now look forward and take the abuse like a man_. I did as told, looking up towards the cameras, letting them look at my face, regretting cutting my hair the other day. At least when my fringe was longer it could actually hide my eyes and half my nose, now there was no chance, it barely skimmed my eyes.

It seemed like getting into the cinema took forever, but finally we got to our seats and I managed to relax a little. "see, wasn't too bad, was it? I'm proud of you, I know you don't like being in front of people." Danny smiled, squeezing my hand. "no, wasn't too bad." I lied, that was the worst thing I had done in ages, there had just been so many cameras, focusing on what I looked like. I was under the spotlight, everyone was watching me, looking at how thin I was, waiting for me to crack and balloon out again, so they could start taking the mick out of me again. But I wasn't giving them the satisfaction, I would not balloon out again, I refused! I was staying exactly like I was now, and no-one could ridicule me for it, thin people didn't get ridiculed, people like Danny, Harry and Dougie didn't get ridiculed, not even when they wore pirate boots or womens clothes. And I refused to be the fat one, who people took shots at all the time, just because I was ugly and disgusting.

"I'm getting some popcorn, anyone want anything?" Danny asked, getting up. "more popcorn over here!" Dougie grinned, looking beyond excited. He was literally bouncing in his seat, looking like he was about to explode, like he did at everything pirate/dinosaur/Blink 182 related thing. "alright, want anything Tommy?" Danny looked to me, running a hand through my hair. "no, not hungry." I felt a little sick actually, sick of myself, sick of ridicule, sick of just everything people hit me with. And just sick of the thought of eating in front of people, no way in hell was I about to do that. "alright, I'll be back in a minute. Relax a little Tommy, no-ones looking anymore." Danny untangled his hand from my floppy hair, which I was sure was going greasy even though I had only washed it two hours ago. I pulled my beanie from my back pocket and shoved it on top of my head, hiding my hair, feeling a little better with it on.

"getting excited yet?" Dougie bounced. "yeah, a little." I nodded, trying to pull my sleeves over my hands, cursing the fact that they were too short. "I am too! This is going to be so cool! Pirates are so cool!" Dougie was already going hyper, Harry was looking at him so lovingly, he loved hyper Dougie more than anything in the world. "what? More cooler than dinosaurs?" Harry teased, putting his hands on the small blondes shoulders to keep him still. "yeah! So much cooler than dinosaurs!" Dougie answered, and kept up being hyper until we managed to keep him quiet with popcorn when Danny came back.

"hey, the movies on the screen, not on your feet! Its okay to look up now, no-ones looking, I promise." Danny laughed, that stung. He was laughing at me now, joining in with the media who laughed at me because I was pathetic. It wasn't like I was doing this on purpose, I just didn't want to look up anymore, didn't want people to see me, see my face. Its not like I deserved to see this film anyway, this was another reward for 'managing' our 8th week without self harm, I didn't deserve it. I had cut another two lines into my skin not three hours ago, and had made a few more over the past few days, I didn't deserve to be here, I didn't want to be here anymore, I just wanted to go home and hide under a duvet and pretend I didn't exist anymore. If I didn't exist, I wouldn't get all this abuse, and all these undeserved rewards, and everyone would be happy. Why couldn't I just not exist?


	171. Chapter 171

**xxPUDDxx - haha! no-one could beat that obsession! xD i've got one ready now and it'll be uploaded in a few minutes!**

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - they'd be little stand alone stories from before anything happened with Tom, that'll be posted in different threads :)**

**the first one i'm uploading is Under The Stars And Moonlight and its a Pudd story!**

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335 Dannys POV

Tom never relaxed for the whole film, he sat there, tensed tighter than a bow string, looking down at his shoes like he was ashamed again. But I didn't get why he was looking like that, and why he didn't want to look up from his shoes, he had managed it outside, why couldn't he look up when he was in darkness and no-one was looking at him? "hey, the movies on the screen, not on your feet! Its okay to look up now, no-ones looking, I promise." I whispered, adding in a little jokey laugh to make it sound like I wasn't terrified of his behaviour.

"yeah, I just, need to go to the toilet." Tom stood up jerkily, squeezing past Harry and Dougie, hurrying out of the theatre. "what was that about?" Harry leant over to me, not disturbing Dougie, who had looked round at Tom, but had then fixed his face back to the screen, having not noticed Toms behaviour. "I don't know, he's just...he just needs some air I guess." I shrugged, not really knowing what the hell just happened. "alright, wanna move over a bit?" Harry asked, indicating the spare seats between us. Dougie had clambered onto Harrys lap earlier, preferring to be wrapped in his lovers arms and watch one of his favourite film series then to sit in his normal seat. I moved over to sit next to them, wanting to sit next to someone and not have to worry about the way they were so tensed they were almost a statue.

It took what felt like ages for Tom to come back, he deflated a little as he came to our row, quickly but awkwardly shuffling through to his seat, leaving a seat between us. Again, Tom wasn't looking at the screen, he curled up into a ball on his seat, staring at his knees, the light from the screen highlighting the tears on his cheeks. My heart broke, actually shattered, to see those tears, that were still rolling down his face, even when he tried to wipe them away. I reached out and put a hand on his arm, catching Toms attention. He turned to face me, looking scared, like his big secret had been revealed.

"its okay, we're going home soon, I promise." I whispered, bringing him closer, glad that there wasn't an arm rest between the seats so Tom could shuffle closer. He kept a large space between us, but let me wrap an arm around him, rubbing his back as he stayed curled up in his little ball of hurt, pulling on his hair. Even though he was silent, I could still almost hear the hurt Tom was feeling, letting him come out like this was probably not a good idea, there had been far too many cameras about, all of them looking at him, watching him. Maybe it was a better idea to wait until at least this whole 'relationship on the rocks because of the runaway and mental health issues' and the pictures and comments had blown over before taking him out to a place full of cameras.

I don't think any of us were paying attention to the film anymore, the lot of us were focused on Tom, all of us putting our hands on him, hoping to comfort him, though I don't think it worked. Even as the film finished and we made our way out again, Tom stayed silent and tensed, his head down as far as it could, the tear tracks being hidden by his soft hair. "its okay Tommy, we're going home now. No more cameras at home." I gently pulled him by his hand down to our car, the four of us sitting in silence the whole way home. We couldn't exactly ignore Toms obvious upset, but we couldn't really say anything about it either, what could we really say? 'they didn't take any pictures of you, its going to be fine?' 'you're beautiful, they won't say anything' I could try that one, but the chances of Tom believing were basically zero. He never believed me when I said things like that, ever, I had to choose the right time to say things like to him. I hated it, but that was the way things were.

We got home and finally Tom said something, he just said he was going to bed, and he didn't want company. This time, I didn't listen to him, I stayed round, keeping an eye on Tom, making sure that he didn't do something drastic. And he didn't, he just sat in a corner, a duvet chucked over his body, refusing to come out, the whole thing shaking as he cried.

336 Harrys POV

The morning came along slowly, and we all felt exactly how we did last night, scared for Tom and worried what had made him so upset in the cinema. "how is he?" I asked when I saw Danny, the poor guy looked awful, like he hadn't slept all night. "sleeping. He's had a long night." Danny sighed, leaning his head against the wall. "ah, did you find out what was wrong?" I crouched down next to the Northerner. "no, he was silent apart from crying. But I can tell, he's so scared, so scared of what everyone is going to say!" Dannys eyes welled up, his head falling into his hands. "well, if it helps, we've already checked the papers, there's nothing in there today about the premiere, and Darren is searching through online for anything." I reassured, before coming over, me and Dougie had run round to the little shop down the road, just to make sure that there was nothing in there about us.

"oh, well, thats good, I guess." Danny managed a small smile, looking up again. "yeah, its all good so far. So, wanna come and get some breakfast, or have some sleep yourself?" I managed a smile too, holding out my hand for Danny to take. "alright, I haven't even had a wink of sleep all night." Danny yawned, following me from the corridor (god know why he was sat there of all places) to the dining room. "was he crying for that long then?" I asked, Danny nodded. "yeah, all night. Didn't stop for ages. It was horrible." Danny shuddered, slumping into a seat, his head hitting his arm on the table. "I can imagine. Do you think Toms going to be alright when he wakes up?" I ran a hand over his back soothingly, hoping that it would help Danny go to sleep too. He looked awful, exactly how you would imagine someone who hadn't slept for over 24 hours would look really.

"I don't know, maybe. We'll be careful with him, so we don't set him off any more." Danny sighed loudly, half sounding relaxed by my hand. "yeah, alright. Now why don't you go to sleep yourself for a while? Me and Dougie will have things covered for a while. You're in no state to be trying to look after anyone at the moment." I advised, feeling Dannys body relaxing under my hand. "okay, make sure to wake me if Tom wakes up." Danny mumbled, letting me pick him up and carry him to the sofa, so he was comfier. Danny was asleep in seconds, relaxing into the pillows almost completely, his tattooed arm stretched out like he would be able to hold Tom in his arms if he did.

As soon as I was sure that Danny was comfy, I hopped upstairs, feeling Dougie wander along behind like a shadow, his fingers scrabbling for my hand. I joined our hands together as his body decided to plaster itself against my own, peeking over my shoulder to see where we were going. "we're not waking Tom up, are we?" Dougie whispered, looking at Toms sleeping form as we reached him. He was slumped on the floor, in a mass of tangled duvet, the tears still clear over his cheeks. "no, just checking up on him is all." I shook my head, crouching down to straighten out the duvet. Dougie handed me a pillow, so I put that under Toms head, straightening out his hair.

"its getting worse, isn't it?" Dougie whimpered quietly. "yeah, I guess it is. But, we can still fix this, I'm sure. It'll get better when all these rumours stop." I couldn't lie to him, just soften the truth and reassure him, even when I wasn't sure that that was going to work at all. Because, really, what were we going to do? Tell Tom that he was beautiful every day, telling him and making him believe were two completely different things, to get Tom believing that he was perfect was going to be the hardest task ever. But, it wouldn't stop us trying, even if it got us nowhere. All we could do was try, and hope it worked.


	172. Chapter 172

**FLOYNTERxxx - thanks! one's up already called Under The Stars And Moonlight! :) **

**If anyone has anything they want me to write any certain scene (eg, they're first meeting) just message me and I'll see what I can do about it! :)**

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337 Dougies POV

Soon, me and Harry left Tom on the floor (he hated sleeping in a bed, and it was probably best to leave him alone, so he didn't freak out) and went back downstairs, secretly hoping that Tom and Danny would get better while they slept, so they could wake up happy and be like normal. And I don't mean the normal we now had, the normal where they were happy, constantly holding each other and smiling, cracking jokes, laughing together and were generally normal. But, of course, that wasn't going to happen, unless they slept for a very, very long time and somehow developed amnesia.

My hope was obviously ruined when Tom woke up first, I could hear him wandering around upstairs, quietly sneaking across the hallway back and forth, back and forth. The shower started running, and was on for ages before more footsteps, back across the hallway, more wandering back and forth across Toms room, before silence for about half an hour, before there was finally some hesitant steps on the stairs. From the sounds of things, Tom seemed to think he was the only one in the house, but was being careful, just in case anyone was in.

"hey, feeling better today?" I asked, turning round as a blonde head inched through the door, making it leap feet in shock. "er, yeah, yeah. Much better." Tom nodded, hiding mostly behind the door, his head bent to look at a crack in the floorboards, his fingers gripping at the door like it was the only thing holding him up. "well, thats good." Harry smiled, taking hold of Dannys hand as he grumbled and shuffled in sleep. Obviously he sensed Toms presence, just like always. "yeah, I guess." Tom mumbled, wincing at something, standing almost rigidly still. "do you want to come in? There's room over here for one more." I patted the floor, there was more than enough space here, and I just wanted to see Tom next to me, instead of so far away at the door. "no, no I'm just going to, er... go on a walk, I need some air." Tom possibly made my heart stop inside my chest, then burst into life again, pounding so hard it almost hurt.

"oh no you're not! Or at least not without me you're not! I'm coming with, whether you like it or not!" Carrie interrupted, thank god for that! "but-" Tom started, but Carrie cut him off. "no, we're going together. We haven't gone out together in ages, and since you have a day off, we're at least going on a walk together." Carrie crossed her arms and sent Tom a look that dared him to disobey. "I'll be ready in a few minutes." Tom sighed and slumped back out again, Carrie looked triumphant.

"we'll be back in an hour or two I recon, don't worry about us." Carrie smiled, bouncing out again, bouncing out the door with her brother soon after. And when we saw them start walking, Tom was practically shuffling along, barely even moving his feet, letting Carrie chat animatedly about whatever it was.

338 Toms POV

Carrie bounced along the road next to me, leading the way to whenever we were going, I just followed along behind, trying to keep up with her walking and her chatter. "oh by the way, there's nothing about last night in the papers. And there's nothing online either. The only thing thats turned up is about Dougies boots, and thats it! So you're all good right now!" Carrie smiled, linking her arm with mine, acting so happy. She couldn't be this happy, could she_? Of course not, she's with you, no-ones happy around you. She's only doing this so Danny, Harry and Dougie can have some quality time alone._ Yeah, she probably didn't want to be here, I didn't want to be here. I just hadn't wanted to be around people, I had woken up alone, I had thought I was alone, turns out the house was full of people, as usual.

"cool." I managed to answer her, feeling like if we were going to be stuck together for an hour or two, I should have at least answered my sister before she gave up and left me out of disgust and hate. _Better get used to it, its going to happen with everyone around you._ It probably would, but I should at least give them the courtesy to talk back while they still wanted to talk. "so, wanna talk about anything? How was the film last night?" Carrie asked, smiling widely at me, why was she spending time with me? And asking for a conversation, what did she want? "it was good. Dougie really enjoyed it." I guessed, I didn't even know. I had spent the whole time I was in the theatre looking at my shoes, wanting to crawl into a hole and never come back out again. The rest of the time, I was in the toilet, making more lines into my thighs, trying to make myself feel better, finding it wasn't getting any better.

"I bet he did. But did you?" Carrie pushed, never looking away from my face, wasn't she disgusted by it yet? "yeah, it was alright." I shrugged, shaking my hair further down, hiding my face, wondering why Carrie was so interested in what I was feeling. "good, did you actually see anything apart from your feet though?" Carrie raised an eyebrow, making us stop at a bench, making me sit. Oh sh*t, there was a motive behind this. "w-what?" I whimpered, preparing to get up and run if I needed to. Looks like I was going to have to. "you know what I mean, you spent the whole film looking at your feet, in tears. And don't lie and say you weren't, Danny saw it all and told me this morning." Carries tone hardened, telling me no funny business.

"Danny saw?" I whimpered, I hadn't meant for that to happen! I had thought I kept the tears hidden! "yeah, he did. What was up?" Carrie softened a little, how could I tell her that I just felt so ugly last night, so deformed? I couldn't tell my 19 year old sister, who was so happy and so innocent in so many ways, that I last night I had wished I didn't even exist, and this morning I didn't feel much better? And then how could I explain why I felt this low, that even though I was trying so hard to look perfect, it wasn't working, I just failed at looking perfect, like I failed at doing everything else I ever tried. I felt so low right now, I could have cried again. All I wanted right now was to crawl under my duvet again and pretend that I really didn't exist.

"Tom? Answer me, what happened last night? Was it just all those cameras and all those people?" Carrie sat down next to me, taking my hand, looking so concerned. _You caused that, you ruined her mood. You'll ruin it even more by telling. _"no, I just, didn't feel well, thats all." I shrugged, taking my hand back, shoving it into my hoodie pocket. "Tom, answer me truthfully. You can tell me, I won't tell anyone. I've kept your secrets before haven't I?" Carrie had a point, but, I couldn't tell her, she was so innocent, she couldn't know what I thought on a daily basis. Even if she didn't care about me, it would destroy her innocent little mind, it would be like telling Dougie about it, telling would do nothing but destroy a fragile mind.

"yeah, but I really just didn't feel well." I sighed, I wasn't so much lying, I hadn't felt well. But I didn't feel well because I felt sick of myself, and because I had lost so much blood, I had felt so woozy, like I was going to faint. "alright, if your sure. Wanna hug?" Carrie hugged me anyway, and I didn't resist, I just needed a hug from someone. Someone who I knew I could trust, who I had no doubts about, who actually had tried to talk to me, instead of trying to pretend like I was normal until I was actually crying.


	173. Chapter 173

**xxPUDDxx - i'm glad the SA made you happy! and if there are any other things from their past you'd like to read about, tell me and i'll see what i can do about it!**

**FLOYNTERxxx - yeah, if only Tom could trust Danny like he does Carrie! and in answer to your comment on the SA, i've got a few Flones ideas, and a few ideas in general that i'll post every so often. any prompts or ideas you'd like to see are very welcome too!**

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - Tom doesn't feel like he can unfortunately :/**

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339 Dannys POV

I woke up with a start, a bit dazed and confused over where I was, why was I on the sofa and who was holding my hand? It wasn't Tom, his hand wasn't as big as this, and there were too many fingers... "hey, whats up Dan?" Harry turned round, revealing that it was him and Dougie holding my hand, sitting on the floor in front of the sofa I was laying on. "Tom, wheres Tom?!" I almost heaved, feeling myself start to panic, why wasn't Tom here? Was he still sleeping? Or was he awake somewhere, but why wasn't he here? "out on a walk, with Carrie. They went out about an hour ago, don't worry." Harry answered with a smile, squeezing the fingers he was holding. "oh, but, was he okay? Was he alright?" I asked frantically, scrambling to sit up straight, so worried about Tom.

"yeah, he was alright. Little down, but, what can you expect?" Harry answered, shrugging, I hoped to god he wasn't lying. "don't sugar coat it, really, what was he like?" I whimpered a little, trying to force myself into relaxing. Tom would be fine, I was sure of it, he was going to be fine. He just needed to...adjust, and learn that it was okay, no-one was going to say anything about him. "you really want to know?" Harry deflated a little, grabbing Dougies spare hand. "yeah, I wanna know. What was he like?" I nodded, he couldn't have been that bad, could he?

"well, Tom wasn't exactly happy, but then again, he never really is. He just, stood by the door, answered when we spoke to him and all that. Then said he was going on a walk and Carrie basically jumped at the chance and made him let her come along too." Harry explained, it didn't sound too bad, and maybe Carrie could cheer him up a bit, right? "doesn't sound that bad, and maybe Carrie can cheer him up too." I relaxed a little, sliding off the sofa in between Harry and Dougie, feeling a bit more awake than I did earlier on.

We sat in a comfortable silence for a while until the door opened again, revealing Tom and Carrie. "Tommy!" I squeaked, running over to him, finally giving Tom his morning hug, almost knocking the both of us over. "hi." Tom mumbled, letting me hug him, but not hugging me back. "I missed you so much! I hate not waking up next to you! How are you feeling now? Any better?" I leant back to look at his face, there weren't any signs of crying, which was good. "yeah, much better." Tom thankfully nodded, cringing a little at something. I chose to ignore it, he always cringed and winced at random times, I guess it was just a nervous tick or something. "good, I'm glad. Last night wasn't exactly the best plan ever, but, its over and thats all that matters!" I put on a smile and pulled my boyfriend into my arms again, trying to reassure him that everything was fine.

I managed to get away with hugging Tom for a while longer, until he got awkward and made me let go of him, going to curl up in a corner. Again, Tom had his head looking at his feet, though I could tell he was looking up from under his fringe, like he thought I couldn't tell that he wasn't facing the floor. "right, grubs up guys! Pizza fresh from the oven, all cut and ready!" Harry and Dougie came in, stopping me from staring at my troubled boyfriend. Dougie closed the door behind them, looking worried, was this them trying to get Tom to eat in front of people? Maybe it was, they hadn't told me they were trying anything though. They would have told me, right?

340 Toms POV

I managed to hide a whimper as Dougie closed the door, I knew what this meant, they were going to get me to eat in here. But I didn't want to eat in here! I wanted to run away and hide! Couldn't I run away and hide in a corner somewhere far away instead?! It wasn't that much of a problem, was it? It couldn't have been, just because I didn't eat in front of people, it wasn't that bad, was it? _Of course it is, its pathetic_. That still didn't mean I had to eat in front of people!_ Yes it does_. But I didn't want to! I felt like crying, honestly crying until I was let off, I didn't want to do this!

As Harry handed Danny a plate, he whispered something in his ear, nodding his head subtly to me. Oh great, I was defiantly in for it, I didn't want this! Why wasn't it good enough for me to hide in my dark corner, couldn't I just do that and wait until after everyone had gone home? Its not like I actually deserved this anyway, couldn't I just wait until it was cold, so it was nearly at my level? _Doesn't matter, you'll be getting rid of it anyway later on._

"Tommy, can you do something for me?" Danny broke me from my inner turmoil, sitting in front of me, plate of pizza in front of him. I shook my head, not even trusting myself to speak. "oh, I'm sure you can, its not too hard, really. I just want you to eat this in here. Thats all. You can still sit in this corner, and I'm not going to look at you at all. None of us are going to look at you, we just want you to try and eat this in here, alright?" Danny explained, stroking my cheek gently. "no." I whimpered, I didn't want this! I wasn't going to do this, I was not a pig! If I ate in front of people, I would be seen as a pig! I was not a pig! _But you are a pig, a disgusting pig_. I was not a pig! I had to prove the voice wrong, but I didn't want to eat either! "please, Tommy, please do this. I am begging you. Just try, I need you to try for me." Danny pleaded, why did I have to love him so much that by just giving me a hurt look I gave in despite my inner battles?! "I-I'll try." I regretted it the second I said it, _pig! Pig! Piggy pig pig! Piiiiiiiiiiiiig!_ Would that voice SHUT UP?! _Never piggy!_

"thank you, it means a lot, thank you." Danny kissed my forehead and got up, falling onto the sofa, finishing his own slices before I even had picked up my own. As soon as he finished, he leant on Harrys shoulder,_ you haven't even started yet and you've already pushing him away, nice going piggy_. I whimpered again, I couldn't do this, I really couldn't do this! If I ate in front of people, I was going to lose them, and I didn't want to lose anyone, ever! I knew I would lose everyone, but couldn't I just get away with not eating in front of people until everyone had left? It would be easier to eat already knowing everyone hated me, instead of trying while I knew I was making them more and more disgusted, pushing them away.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I pushed the plate away, I didn't even want to look at it anymore, I didn't even want to think, I hated myself right now. I hated myself anyway, but I hated that I couldn't even look at a plate of food anymore without turning into an emotional wreck, no wonder Danny just ditched me to go and cuddle with Harry instead. At least he could actually function without wanting to cry all day! _As soon as Danny realises that, he's out of here, thats for sure. Your days are numbered_. I didn't want to know that! I knew that this wasn't going to last much longer, but I didn't want to be reminded!

My internal battle managed to last all night, only Danny cared that I was breaking down, coming over and hugging me, saying that he was proud of me for at least trying, that he loved me so much. "its okay, we'll try again tomorrow, it'll be alright in the end Tommy. We'll get you through this." Danny promised, kissing my hair. _He won't, he'll give up._ "I'll never give up on you, I promise." He continued, _liar._ All I could do was try and not cling needily to him and act like I was fine, somehow, it worked, I managed to not cling, and act like I was fine. All I did was put my head on Dannys shoulder, because I was forced to, Dannys large hand keeping my head there until it was time to bed.

Again, we got ready and got in together. I'm not sure why I still bothered getting into bed, though I guess it could have been out of habit. "good night Tommy, I'm proud of you for trying." Danny smiled, leaning in to give me a kiss. "I-I didn't do anything." I whispered, because really, I didn't do anything! _Turn your head away right now, you do not deserve a kiss. _"I don't care, you agreed to try, which is a start. And I love you for it." Danny pushed my fringe off my face, rubbing my side gently. I stayed quiet. "anyway, night Tommy, I love you." I was pulled closer until I was resting my head on Dannys shoulder, wrapped in his arms. I stayed like that until he fell asleep, before crawling out of bed, unable to even stand being in it right now. I still felt worthless and pathetic, I couldn't even try and eat in front of people without almost breaking down, how could I possibly fool myself into thinking I could sleep in a bed? I couldn't, I simply couldn't. _You'll never sleep in a bed again, the next bed you'll sleep in is a coffin_. Cheers voice inside my head, making me feel even worse about myself. _Doesn't matter, you'll be seeing it soon._ Yeah, I probably would be, I felt so low these days, like I couldn't get any lower, sometimes, I did just want to give up. Danny, Harry, Dougie and Carrie were the only reasons why I kept going, because Danny loved me, and they made me feel a little hope sometimes.

Slowly, I managed to fall asleep, actually forgetting about my normal routine, just needing some time to sleep and recover for a while, it was all I needed. But, I got hit by so many nightmares, razor blades haunting me, the idea of being caught playing out through my head until I woke up almost screaming in pure terror. Panic hit me square in the chest, I didn't want to be caught, I didn't want to be taken to some ward somewhere, I wanted my boyfriend! Without even thinking, I scrambled back into bed, needing to feel my boyfriends warmth for a few minutes, just to calm myself down, but he wasn't there! Danny wasn't in bed! Where the hell had he gone?! Scrambling back out again, I ran to check every room in the house, not finding in a single one, and before I knew it, I was shoving my feet into my shoes and running down the road to his house. I needed to see Danny desperately! I needed to see him so badly right now, why wasn't he in bed with me tonight? Where did he go? Why didn't he tell me where he was going?!

I barely even had the sense to slow down a little once I got to his house, managing to quietly creep around his house too, trying to find Danny so I could hug him and be reassured that everything would be okay. That nightmare had been so scary, and to know it could happen worried me so much I couldn't even think straight. All I could think was Danny, Danny, I needed Danny right now!

But he wasn't in his house! Danny wasn't in his house either, where else could he be?! _At Harry and Dougies, stupid._ Of course! But why would he be there?! _Cheating on you_. But, we had been there already, Danny wouldn't cheat on me, he would end it first! There would be a very good reason why he was round Harry and Dougies house, of course there would be, he just...woke up and needed something, that was probably it, he just needed something! He would just need something, right? Of course he would just need something, maybe a talk with them, yeah, he was just talking about tomorrow with them that was it. He was talking to them about tomorrow and when I got to their bedroom, they would be talking, that was it. _Yep, go on and believe that, you'll be shocked when you see them. _No I wouldn't be, it would be fine.

As quick as I could, I pelted up the stairs to Harry and Dougies room, trying not to run, no-one could know I was here. I couldn't just barge into peoples houses, even when they were my band mates, I couldn't just barge in and ruin their talk. But I needed to hear Dannys voice, just to calm down a little, I needed to hear his perfect calming voice. I managed to stop my pace and creep across the corridor, stopping at the door, looking in through the crack in the door.

"I love you guys." Danny nuzzled into Harrys bare chest, wrapped inside the duvet, a tangled mess of arms and legs with Harry and Dougie. "we love you too Dan, always have, always will." Harry kissed Dannys hair, rubbing his back. What was happening?! Why was Danny in bed with Harry and Dougie like this? And why were Danny and Harry shirtless, and why did Dougie have Dannys shirt on, one he hadn't been wearing today?! Were they having an affair, looking at them, their clothes strewn over the floor, all tangled up, Danny looked sweaty but content. _I told you, didn't I? _


	174. Chapter 174

**xxPUDDxx - hmmm wait and see! :P and i shall keep those in mind and see what i can do! :)**

**FLOYNTERxxx - hmm we shall see what it does to him!**

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341 Dannys POV _5 hours ago_

_I was running, running through corridor after crystal white corridor, trying to find Tom, he wasn't safe! But why wasn't he safe? I couldn't remember, but he wasn't safe, it felt like something was chasing me, but, what was it? Through my confusion, I carried on running, trying desperately to find where Tom was and get away from whatever was following me. "Tom? Tom come out, where are you?" I ran into a corridor, it was covered in red paint...wait, that wasn't paint. That was blood! "TOM! Where are you? TOM!" I shouted, picking up my pace, desperate to find my boyfriend. He couldn't be cutting again, he couldn't be doing that again to himself! _

_I stopped dead when I saw him, laying on the floor, drenched in blood, the razor still in his hand. "no! Stop it! You've got to stop it, and get up! Somethings about to get us!" I whimpered, grabbing the razor and pulling Tom up, covering myself in the red liquid too. "there's nothing here, we belong here." Tom shook his head, smiling oddly. "we don't! You've got to run with me!" I wanted to shout, trying to pull Tom away. "we do, cause we do this." Tom pulled my arm up, revealing open, oozing wounds, matching his own arm._

I woke up and almost screamed, scrambling to check myself and make sure I hadn't have any cuts and I wasn't covered in blood. I was clean, thank god, but... the thought of cutting was quite a good idea actually. I hadn't been sleeping for ages, I could sleep after I cut, but I couldn't! I wasn't going back there, I was not doing it! I would disappoint everyone, and Tom wouldn't get his reward, even though he was trying so hard to stop! The poor guy was so troubled, I wasn't letting myself and him down, and make him feel even worse. Looking over, Tom was on the floor, curled up on his side, his pyjamas hanging off him. It was my fault, all my fault he wasn't better, if I had tried harder, made him feel better sooner, then he would be on the bed, a nice normal weight. It was all my fault, I hadn't stopped him sooner. Guilt filled up inside me, my arms itched and cried out for me to split the skin.

Maybe one cut would do, just one, just one single cut, that was it. Just to feel better, that wouldn't be bad, would it? Before I knew it, I had a razor in my hand and it was pressing to my arm. NO! What was I doing?! I couldn't! I had to stop this, but I needed this! No I didn't! I did not need to feel pain to stop this guilt! If Tom could be so low (which was all my fault) and not cut then I couldn't just feel a little (read: a huge amount) guilty, and cut. No way. But what could I do? I couldn't wake up Tom and tell him, I didn't want him to worry about me...Harry and Dougie! I could go to them, going to them made me feel better!

Like a flash, I side stepped around Toms sleeping form, running downstairs, shoving on my trainers, running down the road in the pouring rain and bursting into the house my band mates lived in. "Danny? What the hell?" Harry mumbled, sitting up as I burst through his bedroom door. "I'm sorry, nightmare, need, no want...blood, want pain and blood." I heaved, feeling like collapsing. "oh, come here then Dan, wanna talk about it?" Harry softened, holding his arms out for me as Dougie sat up too. "not really, just need hugs right now." I fell into their arms, feeling better already. "Danny, you're soaking wet!" Dougie whined, but never let me go. "sorry, I'll go get changed." I made to get up again, not wanting to take too much advantage of this. "no, its okay, just strip to your boxers or something, its too hot in here anyway." Harry shook his head, letting go a bit. "you sure you won't mind..."I trailed off, awkwardly looking at my arm. "no, its fine. We've seen it before, we've got to get used to it anyway." Dougie smiled, a little nervously, but mostly alright. "alright, but tell me if you can't handle it or anything." I pulled off my long tshirt and jogging bottoms, getting in under the covers with my best friends, wishing that Tom could be here too.

"I wish Tom could be here." I whispered, wanting to talk about something, I couldn't go to sleep yet. "same here Dan, try not to think about it, we'll make him better somehow." Harry sighed, he sounded tired, but awake enough to stay up with me for a while longer. "I know...thank you, by the way, for letting me stay here." I smiled, cuddling down in their arms. "its okay Dan, anything to make you feel better." Harry smiled, giving me a squeeze. "I love you guys." I sighed, nuzzling into Harrys bare chest, feeling all of our legs entangling together. "its okay, we love you too, always have, always will." Harry kissed my hair, pulling me and Dougie closer. "yeah, we'll always love you Dan." Dougie agreed, leaning on my shoulder.

"Doug, why are you in my shirt?" I asked after a few moments of silence. "dunno, makes me feel better when I sleep to have your stuff around." Dougie shrugged, pulling the sleeves over his hands, hugging me close. "oh, thats cool." I shrugged, jumping feet when the door downstairs banged. "huh, must have not closed the door properly, I'll go and close it." I got up and went downstairs, finding that the front door was wide open. "hmm, could have sworn I closed this." I muttered, shaking my head, closing and locking the door before running back upstairs, crawling into bed with my friends, wishing my lover could be here too.

342 Harrys POV

I sighed loudly as I woke up, realising that there was something on my chest. Quickly, I realised that I had a Dougie lying practically on top of me, squashing my arm between our bodies, his lizard toy poking me in the neck. "rawr!" Dougie made the toy poke me in the neck again. "ugh, what? Doug what are you doing?" I moaned, opening my eyes. "making you lizard food." Dougie answered simply, making the toy 'eat' me. "Doug, you are really strange, you know that right?" I laughed a little, I had missed Dougies strange ways to entertain himself. "yeah, but you love me anyway." Dougie smiled, ah, I had missed that smile! "yeah, I do," I paused for a second to grin at my husband, "wheres Danny?" I asked, realised that there wasn't another body in the bed with us.

"he went back to Toms, he felt guilty for leaving him all night without telling him." Dougie answered, shifting a bit so he was laying completely on top of me, grinning stupidly down at me. "alright Norman-No-Eyes...well, you wanna go round now then?" I asked with a giggle, idly running my fingers over Dougies back. "not yet, cuddle with me first. They're probably still in bed anyway." Dougie wriggled his way into my arms, burrowing his head in my neck, really tangling up our limbs and the duvet as we rolled to lay on our sides. "yeah, they're probably still in bed, or at least sleeping, or something. They won't need us yet." I sighed, nuzzling into Dougies hair, taking in his unique smell and the feeling of his warm little body against my own. I had missed it last night, though I hadn't minded having Danny in bed too, because it was helping him, but, I would have still preferred to have Dougie cuddled up like this with me.

"I missed you last night." I whispered, tangling my hand in Dougies long hair. "I missed you too." Dougie replied, pressing closer. He may have been awkward when hugging people, but in bed, he was never awkward, he always pressed as close as possible, holding on to me like I was the only thing in the world he loved. "I don't want to let you go." I admitted, I didn't want to let Dougie go, in a slightly stupid fear that our relationship would suddenly snap like Tom and Dannys. I didn't want that, I just wanted to hold Dougie close and love him forever. "you don't have to. I'm not going anywhere." Dougie made me smile, his hands tightening on my arm. "good, I'm making up for lost time last night." I made Dougie giggle a little, picking him up and carrying him to the bathroom.

I carried Dougie round all morning, until we got back to Toms house. The second I walked through the door, I could tell that something was wrong, something was seriously wrong. I couldn't tell what was wrong, but something was up, the atmosphere was different, something was wrong in here. "Tom, Tommy please! Listen to me!" Danny shouted, followed by a door slam. "Tom! I didn't do anything! I haven't done anything!" Danny cried out, I dropped Dougie by accident. Within seconds we were both upstairs, finding a crying Danny banging hysterically on the music rooms door, looking even more panicked than he did last night. "Danny whats happened?!" I pulled him away from the door, revealing his tear stained face.

"get off me! Get off, Tom I didn't do anything! We didn't do anything!" Danny writhed out of my arms, throwing himself against the door. "go away you liar!" Tom shouted, he sounded distraught, what the hell had happened?! "I'm not lying Tommy! I love you! I never did anything last night!" Danny cried, practically slamming himself against the door. "Danny, what the hell has happened?!" I tried pulling him away again, managing to keep hold of him this time, as Tom shouted "shut up!" again.

"he-he-he thinks I-I, I-I never would! We-we didn't do anything! B-but he thinks we d-did!" Danny whimpered, his legs shaking madly. "Danny, speak English, whats happened?" I tightened my grip on Danny so he didn't fall over, getting so worried over what had actually happened. "Tom thinks you're all having an affair, now go downstairs and we're talking this through _now._" Carrie came in, if looks could kill, we would all be dead and buried.


	175. Chapter 175

**xxPUDDxx - alright, have fun on your trip! i shall look forward to your comment when you get back! **

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - thanks! :D**

**FLOYNTERxxx - mwhahahaha wait and see! :P**

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343 Dougies POV

Tom thought we were having an affair together? But, why did he think we were? How did he come to think of it? And when did all of a sudden this whole thing start?! Tom was fine last night! He happily got into bed with Danny last night! When did he decide that we were having an affair?!

"right, start talking, what the HELL are you lot up too?!" Carrie growled, I had never seen her so angry before, she looked half way between furious and wanting to cry, "I have been up since 3am with Tom, trying to calm him down and try to find out whats gone on, so I do not have the patience for you to lie to me. So have you gone and broken my brothers already fragile heart?" she carried on, glaring at the three of us.

"no! Of course not! Carrie, you know us, we would never ever, do anything like that to Tom!" Danny whimpered, biting away at his nails, his fingers itching to start scratching at his arms. "then why the hell does Tom think you're cheating on him? Do you know how much pain you've put him through?! He's been crying all f*cking night, and just when I got him to sleep, you walked in and set him off again! Its going to be hours until I can calm him down again!" Carrie looked tired, showing just how long she had been up with her brother last night. "I don't know! I honestly don't know! I don't know what started this off." Danny wiped away tears. "wait, didn't the door bang last night cause it was open?" I asked, cause I was sure the door banged last night, we had put that down to Danny bursting through the door, could it have been Tom? But, why would he have been coming round? It wasn't in his character to come round unexpected and without being almost dragged round.

"but, why would Tom come round last night? He never usually leaves the bedroom, why would he leave so suddenly?" Danny asked, looking so confused. "why did you come round last night?" Harry offered as explanation. "yeah, but he would have come to me….and I was at yours, oh sh*t!" the penny seemed to drop in Dannys head, he paled so badly I thought he didn't have any blood left in him. "why the hell were you round anyway? Why would you go over anyway?" Carrie softened a little, seemingly seeing our side of this now. "because, I-I, I had a nightmare, and I couldn't wake Tom up, cause it would freak him out. So I went to theirs." Danny explained, looking ashamed again, me and Harry put our arms around him for comfort. "oh, right. Surely that wouldn't have looked so bad, would it?" Carrie now looked confused, her tough façade dropping.

"we were all in bed together, hugging." I admitted, surely we hadn't looked that bad, had we? We couldn't have, we could not have looked that bad, could we? We shouldn't have looked like we were in a relationship, but did we? Surely we didn't! "that's where its come from then. Right, I'm going up there and explaining whats happened, seeing if I can at least get him to listen to this, which I doubt." Carrie sighed, starting to go upstairs. Danny started following. "no, you stay here, Tom will go mental if you're there too. Trust me, I'm going to handle this, I know my brother, and he trusts me." Carrie stopped him, sighing again before trudging upstairs.

"its all my fault, I should have just stayed here, and sat it out. I could have done that, I didn't need to go out, its all my fault." Danny whimpered, starting to pull on his hair, the look of panic on his face was horrible. "no its not your fault!" I argued straight off, it was not Dannys fault, he needed comfort and we were the ones who could give him that comfort. That was it, nothing more, nothing less. It was Tom who saw this for something more than it was, he knew that we were all close, that we all loved each other and were like brothers. Tom knew that we were close, and nothing would ever happen between the three of us, me and Harry loved Tom and Danny in a different way than the way we loved each other. We would do anything to help each other out, literally anything. But nothing would ever make us cheat on each other.

"it is my fault, if I had just stayed home, then this wouldn't have happened! We could be hugging together on the sofa, instead of crying alone." Danny started sobbing, just breaking down. He had been here since 9am this morning, he had been trying to get Tom to talk to him for two hours now, of course he was breaking down now. "you're not alone Danny, we're here, don't worry. Carrie will sort this out, you'll be back together by the end of the day, I'm sure." Harry tried to smile, bringing Danny into our arms more, rubbing his back before he collapsed. "w-we better! I-I love him so much! I can't live without him!" Danny cried, wow he really was upset. "you won't live without him Dan, don't worry, you won't ever live without him." Harry promised, though he didn't look convinced of it himself.

We stood there in a huddle for what felt like hours, Dannys cries not managing to drown out Toms howling cries from upstairs. Eventually, Carrie came down alone, minus Tom, falling to sit down to sit next to us on the sofa. "he's not coming down for a while." Carrie shook her head at our expectant looks. "why not?" Danny whimpered again, hiding his face in his hands. "because he doesn't want to see you. He's so heartbroken, been crying all night and morning. I've just got him to sleep now, so I'm not waking him up again. Just for more heartbreak." Carrie deflated against the sofa, showing just how worn out she was.

344 Toms POV

Carrie may have thought I was sleeping but I wasn't, I couldn't sleep, not after that, not after finding out that my 'boyfriend' who 'loved me so much' was actually cheating on me. In the back of my mind, I had always thought that I wasn't good enough, that the whole thing was too good to be true, but I had barely managed to will myself to believe that Danny wouldn't cheat on me. I had thought he would have ended it first, instead of lying to me and stringing me along for so long. O_f course he was going to string you along. You're pathetic, no-one else is going to want you, and he's too nice to drop you like the trash you are_. I whimpered loudly again at the sound of the voice inside my head, it had been right, like it was right about everything else. _Of course I'm right, I'm the smarter version of you. _

Tears could not stop streaming down my face, but it didn't stop me from seeing my reflection in the mirror on the wardrobe. I looked pathetic, weak, and truly disgusting. No wonder Danny cheated on me, I wouldn't have wanted to date something like this, why would he? He had just felt sorry for me all along, and had just tried to make me feel better by pretending to be my boyfriend, and I had stupidly believed him. I was never believing anyone ever again, I had known all along that Danny only said he loved me in the first place because I had an 'eating disorder' and then had dumped himself with me, probably realising that I stupidly was in love with him so he couldn't dump me after a few weeks. How had I ever believed all those lies? How had I believed that Danny loved me, I was so stupid! I should have realised before that he couldn't actually like me, no-one could, I wasn't worth liking.

The door opened and I quickly shut up, pretending to be asleep, so whoever it was would leave me alone. "see, sleeping, so no, you can't talk this out." Carrie warned, there were footsteps, heavy footsteps, oh god. "I-I'm sorry Tommy, I am so sorry." Danny whispered, his presence getting closer until I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was like I had had an electric shock, without even knowing it, I got up and scrambled out of the way, hiding away in my bathroom and locking the door. "Tommy! Tommy open up, we can sort this out!" Danny shouted, f*ck, I really shouldn't have done that! I was in trouble now, they knew I was still awake! But I was not talking to them, no way, I was not talking to anyone I didn't trust. I only trusted Carrie right now, she was the only one who didn't lie to me, only tried to stupidly make me feel better. "Tom please, I'm begging here, please let me explain!" Danny managed a fake cry, which sounded half way to convincing.

"no! Go away!" I shouted, I was not going to hear his lies, I refused to hear his lies about last night. I saw what I saw, he was in bed with two other men, the people I had thought were my best friends, and had said that he loved them. There was no way Danny could talk his way out of that one, no-one could, so all he was going to do was try and explain in a nice way that I was worthless and our whole relationship was a lie, I already knew that, he didn't have to go and tell me again. "Tom please! Come out and let us explain! It was nothing like what you think you saw! There's a good explanation to what happened last night!" Harry started shouting too, I didn't care, they could bag on that door and shout all they liked, I was not going to come out of here.

"you liars! Get the f*ck out of here!" I almost screamed, pain ripping through me and tearing me in one hundred different ways. _They're going to lie to you again, make you believe that it was all a mistake and carry on behind your back. Don't go out there, there's only lies out there_. There was only lies out there, lies, lies, and more lies! Nothing of what they said was going to be true, not a word of it would be true. The only true thing was the voice inside my brain, telling me the actual truth, it had been right about everything so far, it wasn't going to stop now.

"please Tom, let me talk to you, face to face. Don't make me explain through a door." Danny sighed, sounded tired of this, maybe he would go home now instead. "no! Go away! I don't want to hear it!" I cried, feeling my skin crawl and start to scream at me that I needed to release the emotions that were thumping through me so fast I thought I might explode! I could feel how my shaking knees buckled underneath me, making me crash to the floor, before I scrambled over to the cabinet, finding a brand new razor blade. "Tom! Are you okay in there?!" Danny shouted, I barely heard him, the feeling of the blade in my hands making everything else blur.

"wait, don't cut! Please Tommy, don't take this out on yourself!" the banging became frantic, but I didn't care, the door was locked, they couldn't get in. The razor pressed to my arm, _do it, go on, do it! Prove to them that you have a brain and can think for yourself, you don't need someone telling you that you're perfect or anything. Its all been a lie, now cut and get rid of the lies!_ It pressed into my arm at the encouragement, splitting the skin, red liquid falling out and over the floor, creating another soon-to-be bump on my arm, joining the others. And I allowed myself to laugh a little as blackness over took my vision, claiming my consciousness for a few hours, until everyone went away and left me alone.


	176. Chapter 176

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - very poor Tom :/**

**FLOYNTERxxx - hmmm we shall have to see about that :P**

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345 Dannys POV

"Danny, calm down, look, lets give it a rest for a few hours. We'll try again later." Harry tried to pull me away but I couldn't! Not while Tom was in there, by himself, so upset and alone, not knowing the truth! His heart was breaking in there, how could I go away? At least Tom wasn't crying anymore, I don't think. "no! I've got to stay! I have to stay here until Tom knows!" I cried, trying to pull away, I couldn't just go away now! "Danny, come on, give him a break. We've been trying to get in for hours. You're losing your voice now, just try and calm down a little." Harry tried, managing to keep hold of me, pulling me away from the door, the door keeping me from my poor lover. The poor lover who thought I was cheating on him, who didn't think he was loved, who was so fragile and in need of my love.

"no! I don't want to! Let me go!" I writhed, never managing to get out of Harrys hold until he let me go on the sofa, forcing me to sit down. "Danny take a minute to breathe, okay? Just breathe, we've been at this for hours, so just calm down before you hurt yourself. We can try again later." Harry reasoned, I forced myself to calm down, trying to breathe and calm down. "fine, but, I hate this! I can't stand it! Toms upstairs, thinking that we're having an affair when we're really not, and he thinks that we don't love him! He thinks that I don't love him, when I love him so much." I whimpered, wanting to cry, I couldn't believe I was stupid enough to do this. I should have stayed at home, I should have just cuddled up to Tom on the floor, and held him until I either fell asleep or forgot about my want to cut and that stupid nightmare!

"Dan, stop scratching, you can't scratch right now." Dougie grabbed my hands, paling terribly. "sorry, just, feel like hell right now." I admitted, dropping my head, knowing I shouldn't be scratching, but I couldn't help it. There were so many emotions running through me, I needed to release some of them, as soon as possible. "just try to breathe, we can sort this, we always do." Harry advised, rubbing my back gently. "but what if it takes a long time? Tom can't be left by himself for too long! He isn't well enough to be left by himself, especially while he's so upset!" I worried, Tom couldn't be left by himself for too long, god knows what he would do! "I'll keep an eye on him, don't worry." Carrie smiled, luckily, I trusted her, so I knew she would keep an eye on her brother and help him out a little.

I couldn't help but worry all night, Tom didn't make an appearance at all, I could hear him moving around, but he never came downstairs. Tom stayed upstairs all night, hiding in his music room and his bedroom, refusing to be around us from what Carrie said. "Carrie, please, go back up there and tell him that he's got it all wrong! We never did anything, explain what happened last night." I pleaded, needing to see Tom so badly. I missed him, even though we didn't hug much anymore, or do anything really, I missed Toms presence, seeing his beautiful face somewhere in the room, even when it was covered in tears and panic. At least then I could hug him, and tell him it was okay, but I couldn't here, not while I was the cause of this problem.

"alright, give me about half an hour." Carrie sighed, going back upstairs again. There was silence for 20 minutes, all of us listening intently, just to hear Tom. Then, finally, Carrie came back down again, looking defeated. "I'm sorry, but Tom is not having any of it. He really doesn't want to talk right now." Carrie leant against the door, she looked so tired. "are you sure? Whats he up too? Is he okay? What is he doing right now?" I asked, needing to know what Tom was doing right now, so I knew how he was coping. "Toms drawing at the moment, he's pretty calm all things considered. Then, you get mentioned, and he looks like he wants to cry. He has a message for you too." Now Carrie looked like she wanted to cry. "what? Whats the message?" I stood up, desperate to know what Tom wanted, but terrified over what to wanted too.

"Tom says to...leave him the hell alone. Don't talk to him, don't touch him, don't do anything to him. He's only seeing you when you have band duties, and only then. Don't try and talk to him about other things either, cause he will just ignore you. While you are in public he'll still act like everythings okay, and that is the only time you're allowed to be a couple, because he does not want to hear your lies every again." And that was the moment the room went black for me.

346 Harrys POV

As soon as Carrie stopped repeated Toms message, Danny passed out, this whole thing getting too much for him, he just collapsed. I barely had time to catch him before he hit the floor. "whoa! Dan don't faint on us!" I managed to get him on the sofa, seeing just how much paler Danny looked, his freckles looked almost black. His face was still contorted with pain, like this was too much for him to handle, so not even passing out was helping him stop thinking about this.

"well, d*mn, what are we going to do?" I sighed, just hearing that message second hand was enough for Danny, what was going to happen when they actually were around each other? I wasn't sure Danny was going to cope if Tom decided to be really mean, or just plain ignored him unless we were in public. "I don't know, but, we'll think of something, we'll get them together again and get everything explained." Carrie encouraged half heartedly, fiddling with her necklace, like she had already given up.

"yeah, hopefully, look, I think its best we take Danny home now. Having us here isn't exactly helping Tom or anyone at the moment. Plus its probably best to put him in his own bed for a while, and keep an eye on him there." I picked Danny up again, so he was cradled in my arms, hopefully in an not too uncomfortable position. "makes sense. I'm going to see if I can get Tom out and see if he'll eat something, or listen to me." Carrie agreed, standing up and seeing us to the door, where we walked in silence down the road to Dannys, where I tucked him into his bed. "I don't want to have to go out tomorrow." Dougie whimpered, falling into my arms, pushing his face into my chest, meaning tomorrows round of interviews. "I know, neither do I. But, hopefully, we can sort this out tomorrow, while we're out, you never know. We could get through this and work it all out tomorrow." I was gripping at straws and I knew it, but it seemed like it helped Dougie a little, which was a help.

"we better. I'm scared, this could ruin everything we've worked for." Dougie whispered, staring at Dannys arm, meaning his healing cuts. There were now scratches on his arms, but nothing too deep, no skin was actually broken, which was a good thing. "well, we'll have to stop it, won't we? We can do that, and anyway, Dannys strong, he'll come to us, I know he will." I managed a smile, rubbing my tiny little boys back. "but what about Tom? Whose going to stop him?" Dougies hands tightened on my shirt. "Carrie, and us. We'll keep him out of trouble during the day while we're with him, and Carrie will keep him safe the rest of the day. Toms strong too, he's been managing perfectly well up until now, he'll carry on doing just as well. We're just in a rough patch, it'll be over before you know it." I squeezed Dougie close, trying to give him the best reassurance I could, hoping it would actually come true.


	177. Chapter 177

**FLOYNTERxxx - well i will give you a rule that i always use when writing fics, everything ends up okay in the end, in some way or other, everything ends up okay in the end :)**

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347 Dougies POV

Despite our better judgement, we stayed at Dannys that night, but we slept in Vickys old bedroom instead, listening out to any sounds of Danny being in distress. I hoped Carrie would be doing the same with Tom, I expected that she would. I was proved right in the morning, when we went round to Toms before we went out today. "he was fine last night before you ask. Got him downstairs, which is a start." Carrie looked even more tired than she did yesterday, practically falling asleep in her cereal. "how was he? What did you do?" Danny asked almost frantically, luckily, he had slept most of the night, so he was actually awake at the moment. Though, he did not look well at all, all jumpy and unable to sit still as Tom was mentioned. God knows what he was going to do when the boy appeared from outside, he was standing in the rain, luckily all wrapped up in a coat and layers, under Carries strict orders.

"we just watched a bit of TV, trying to remain calm without thinking about much. Managed to get a bit of drawing out of him too." Carrie replied, crossing her arms and leaning her head on top. "what was he drawing? Did he sleep alright? Is he alright now? I hate being out of the loop like this!" Danny chewed on his nails frantically, until I yanked his hand away from his mouth. "don't know what he was drawing, wouldn't let me see. And yeah, he slept alright, dropped off on the sofa in front of the TV, didn't wake up until this morning. And yes, Toms alright at the moment, though I don't know if he'll be okay later on once you're all together." Carrie answered sleepily.

"well, at least he's slept. But, I don't want him to be upset, I've got to sort this out, as soon as we're in the car." Danny whimpered, luckily not going outside, just watching Tom through the window, he was just, standing there in the rain. His face was looking down at his arms, watching the raindrops roll over his sleeves. "yeah, talk in the car, not now. Let Tom do...whatever it is he's doing, cause it seems to be calming to him." Harry agreed, looking out too, unconsciously running his hands over my side. "Tom finds the rain calming sometimes. It inspires him, and the rain drops are soothing." Danny sighed, almost dreamily. "Dan, you know Tom way too well sometimes." I made him smile a little. "I know, but, he is...was, my boyfriend." Danny winced as he said 'was' it was clear he still couldn't believe that they were technically separated.

"we'll make him your boyfriend again Danny, don't worry, we'll manage it." I untangled myself from Harry and went over to Danny, hugging him. I wasn't good with advice, but, I could hug, and really, I didn't know what else I could do. "I know, lets hope." Danny sighed, hugging me back, looking longingly out the window still. "we'll manage it, I know we will." I managed a smile.

A car horn sounded outside, signalling Tommys arrival, so me and Danny broke apart, I looked outside to find that Tom wasn't outside anymore. The front door opened and closed, it must have been Tom getting his things. "come on then, time to face the music." Danny sighed, picking up his own bag, slumping out to the car. We followed along behind, getting in the back of the van like usual, everyone of us on edge, waiting for an explosion or something. I don't really know what I was expecting, crying, anger, rage maybe? I didn't know, Tom was so different, I didn't know what to expect from him, I never did.

"morning boys, is anyone going to talk?" Tommy asked, looking at Tom, who was sat in the front passenger seat. His body language literally screamed 'stay away from me' his knees drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped around them, head staring out the window, earphones jammed so far into his ears I was sure they would not be coming back out again. "no, we're a bit tired today." Danny shook his head, blatantly staring at Tom, taking in everything, checking for new wounds, any anything else he could check for.

348 Dannys POV

Tom was silent the whole car journey, scarily silent, so silent he honestly was not able to be quieter. "okay, whats happened? You're all too quiet, especially you." Tommy poked Tom in the arm, he let out a loud shriek, momentarily leaping up in his seat, before curling back into his ball again, hastily shoving his headphones into his ears. "jesus, didn't expect that." Tommy looked a bit shocked, Dougie paled so badly in his seat, practically falling against Harry. "its complicated Tommy, just, leave him be, alright?" I sighed, not wanting to ruin Toms calm mood even more. He had seemed so calm earlier while he was in the rain, now his whole body was tensed, hiding inside itself, arms fully covered, fingers still twitching almost rhythmically.

"fine, you tell me whats happened then. Cause this isn't normal, even though things aren't exactly normal anyway." Tommy looked me in the eyes through the rear view mirror. So, I explained, knowing Tom couldn't hear me, I could hear the beat of his music from here. I couldn't believe this was happening, that I was stupid enough to actually go out of the house and leave Tom on his own, without telling him where I was going. I thought it would be okay, because I would be back before he woke up in the morning, I hadn't expected him to wake up and try and find me! I should have never left, or at least left a note for Tom, so he knew where I was, so this never happened. I hated this, I wanted Tom in my arms, I missed him so much, I hadn't seen him up close in what felt like days. It had only been 1 day, but still, it felt so much longer than that. What was worse was looking at him, knowing I couldn't reach out and hold him, tell my lover that I loved him and I would make it all better for him.

"well d*mn, you guys haven't half been put through the ringer, haven't you?" Tommy sighed, carrying on driving, glancing at Tom every few seconds, in case he freaked again. "not helping Tommy." I mumbled, only looking at my Tom still, watching his arms and fingers. His fingers were still twitching, barely hanging out of his cardigan. "sorry, just, don't know what you're going to do. Have you tried pinning him down and talking to him?" Tommy suggested, sending me a look meaning he noticed the twitching too. "no, I barely got a chance to look at him yesterday. And I don't want to freak him out and make it worse." I sighed, I didn't want to risk making Tom even angrier with us.

"alright, want me to talk to him? Cause I can talk to him if you want me to, he might listen to me." Tommy suggested, giving me a smile. "yeah, if you could at some point. That would be great, thanks!" I smiled, feeling a little bit of hope. Maybe Tommy could at least get Tom to listen to us, or make him realise that we weren't actually having an affair! I could only hope he could, I didn't know how much longer I could stand this separation.

At last, we reached the tv studios, where we trudged through the corridors again, finding out separate dressing rooms, separating us from Tom, as usual. The guy had kept his earphones in the whole time, avoiding eye contact with any of us, avoiding even touching us. Tommy followed Tom into his dressing room closing the door behind him. "well, there goes nothing." I mumbled, hoping to god this would work somehow, and we would get somewhere with Tom.


	178. Chapter 178

**FLOYNTERxxx - i have it all written/planned out, and i never leave characters unhappy in the end, ever!**

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349 Toms POV

"Tom, I want to talk to you." Tommy closed the door to my dressing room, waiting for me to pull out my earphones. "what about?" I asked, weary that this was about Danny, Harry and Dougie. I didn't want to hear it, I did not want to hear another lie about what happened that night. Danny cheated on me with my apparent best friends, straight out lied to me for years, made me believe that he loved me, I wasn't falling it again for the 3rd time. I shouldn't have believed him last time, guess I was just so desperate for some love and affection I couldn't stop myself from believing the lies.

"about this sudden change you've had again. You're just ignoring the guys now, not even letting them touch you. Whats happened?" Tommy said the dreaded words, I cringed, at least he wasn't trying to get me to listen to whatever story they had cooked up. "nothing, nothings happened." I lied, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to even think of what was going on behind my back. It made me feel sick, physically sick. "something must have happened, you never completely ignore the guys, no matter how annoyed you are." Tommy pushed, standing in a relaxed way, obviously trying to seem like a friend. _He's not your friend. He's going to lie to you, make you think you're not being cheating on_. Yeah, I knew that, I wasn't going to listen to him, I wasn't listening to anyone. "I just, realised I don't fit in, I don't fit in with the guys. Its better if I stay away." I lied again, it sounded better than 'I'm so worthless, Danny doesn't even want to be with me anymore, but he doesn't want to make me unhappy by dumping me'

"oh really? You fit in perfectly with the others! You're all very talented guys, and you have so much in common with each other." Tommy started, _no, you don't, you have nothing in common apart from being in the same band,_ "you share the same love of space and aliens with Dougie, you have similar loves of drumming and have the same music taste with Harry. And then there's you and Danny, who are so similar musically and in every single other way. Honestly, you fit in perfectly with the others, you shouldn't worry about that. Its not best if you stay away." Tommy finished, coming closer, giving me a hug. I tensed, but let him hug me, needing someone to hug me right now. _you don't deserve it._ Yeah, I didn't deserve it, but I needed a good hug right this instant, needing to feel like someone apart from Carrie could stand me.

"I know that that isn't whats up, I already know. I just want your side of the story." Tommy let me go, making me sit on the arm of the sofa. "you already know then, there's nothing to tell." I sighed, really not wanting to talk about it, but feeling like I was being trapped in a corner. "yes there is. There's your side to this, maybe if we get both sides, then we'll manage to resolve this." Tommy smiled a little, why did he care about my side? My side didn't mean anything, it was the truth, and he knew the truth, so why should he ask me this? "my side is the same as theirs. It doesn't matter." I looked down as Mellissa came in, carrying the large make up bag filled with everything I was in need of so I looked like an average human.

"oh sorry for barging in! I'll go to the others instead." Mellissa made to turn round. "no, no, its fine. Tom, I'll talk to you later, alright? And don't think I'll forget either, cause I won't." Tommy gave me a warning look, showing that I wasn't getting away with not talking...d*mn. "yeah, sure, whatever." I shrugged, letting Mellissa sort out my face and hair. "tired Tom?" she asked, I nodded a little. "late one last night, for all of us." I half lied, I had a late night, I didn't know about the others. Probably did, they knew that I knew about their relationship, so they were celebrating the fact that they didn't have to hide anymore.

"aw, well, never mind. Sleep in the car on the way to the next place." Mellissa laughed a bit, finishing fixing my hair so it swept across my face so well it hid my eyes. "yeah, might help." I stood back up again the second she finished, going to my clothes, seeing if there was anything decent to wear. "alright, I'm sorting out the others, you're on in half an hour." Mellissa smile and bustled out again, leaving me to sort out my outfit, which was the hardest thing ever. I couldn't decide on what to wear, everything I had looked awful, either too geeky, or childish, or just too plain stupid to wear. _You're going to look awful in anything you wear, don't even bother._

Eventually, I managed to find one shirt and jacket that didn't look too bad with my current jeans and shoes. Looking in the mirror, it wasn't too bad, just a bit too on the I'm-still-trying-to-be-a-teenager side of things, but, it was better than anything else I had. "Tom, you ready?" Danny made me jump by coming through the door, "you look stunning." He whispered, _he's lying, like always_. "shut up, I don't want to hear it. Just, lets get this over with, alright? Neither of us want this anyway." I growled, wondering where the hell my sudden confidence came from. "but, Tom, I want to be with you still." Now that stung like hell. I did not want to hear that sentence, ever. "I don't want to f*cking hear it. Talk about the band and nothing else, alright?" I felt mental walls build up, I was not falling for this again. It was all lies, I was not listening to lies. "please, Tommy, you have this wrong." Danny whimpered, I hated his acting skills around me.

"no, I understand perfectly, I'm a convenience, thats it. So you guys aren't discovered, so we look normal. I understand perfectly well, so don't go there, alright?" I stopped walking, not even caring that there were tears in my eyes, that I was just realising this now. "you don't understand at all. Please don't make it like this, please." Danny begged, reaching up to wipe away my tears. "no, just, shut up." I started walking again, not letting him touch me, if he touched me when we weren't in front of people, I would believe that he loved me. And Danny did not love me, and I must never ever believe that he loved me ever again. It would be leaving me wide open for more heart break, and I already felt like my heart was being slowly ripped out every time I saw my 'best friends' so I wasn't even going to even try and let him in again.

350 Dannys POV

Toms words broke my heart into even smaller pieces, he _hated _me, he really sounded like he hated me so much. He honestly thought that I would cheat on him, he honestly believed that I would cheat on him. "Tom, you're not a convenience, I swear." I whimpered, putting my hand on his shoulder. "don't, just, don't." Tom shook his head, shrugging off my hand. We reached the studio, basically killing our conversation. "I love you Tom, please believe that, I love you." I sighed, grabbing his hand, because we had to keep on appearances. My hand felt so warm in Toms, it felt right, and perfect. His hand was frail, but strong at the same time, like his body was telling me he was frail and needed me to look after him, but he was still strong willed enough to survive on his own. Which he was currently doing, though I wished he wasn't, I wanted him back in my arms, properly, not just to keep up appearances.

"ready guys?" Harry sighed, giving me a look of sympathy. "yeah, ready." I sighed back, entwining my fingers with Toms, I swear he squeezed back, like he did when he was scared. "break a leg guys." Dougie gave me a smile, leaning on Harrys shoulder, gripping his hand. "you too." I whispered before we went out to the set, in front of the cameras.

Again, we went through the same questions as usual about mine and Toms relationship and his mental state. If only the public knew what was happening, what had now happened, because I was stupid enough to make Tom believe that I was cheating on him. "so, nothing is up between the four of you then? You're not arguing or pretended to love each other just for us?" the presenter smirked, leaning over their desk to look at us, their stare boring into us.

"no, we're not pretending. We do love each other." Tom answered, surprising me, I hadn't thought he would have said that, seeing what he currently believed as truth. "we do, honestly, love each other a lot." I agreed, feeling like my insides were shattering, I loved Tom _so much, _it hurt sometimes. I didn't want to have this happen to us, I hated this, I hated being separated like this. Tom was supposed to be my boyfriend, it was how life was supposed to go. We were supposed to be together, forever, not like this. Not talking, apart from arguing and in interviews, not looking at each other (though we didn't really look anyway) only able to touch while we were in front of cameras. I honestly felt like crying and ripping myself to shreds, just wanting to talk to Tom until we sorted this all out, so we could cuddle back up again and forget all about this. But it looked like I was going to have to do the same thing I did last time, locking him inside his room again and make him talk to me.

The distress on Toms face last time had killed me, and I was sure he would not appreciate it anymore this time round, but I might have had to do that, just so he would listen to me. "alright, I believe you, thousands wouldn't." the presenter laughed a little, "and that's it I'm afraid, its been a joy to talk to you guys. I hope we can talk again soon." They still gave us a suspicious look, but I breathed a sigh of relief, so glad that was one interview down. Only another 3 and another movie premier left to go to. After last time, I was sure that Tommy would have said we wouldn't go to any more, guess he hadn't realised what had happened last time.


	179. Chapter 179

**FLOYNTERxxx - we shall see :)**

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351 Toms POV

I climbed into our minivan for the fourth time that day to be told that we were going home to get changed before we went onto another film premier. _Perfect_. I just wanted to go home and stay home now, I was tired of being around people, being looked at, being judged, and having to pretend that I was happily in love and not in so much pain I just wanted to scream. All day, Danny, Harry and Dougie had tried to talk to me, tried to lie to me about what had happened the other night, but I wouldn't let them. I didn't want to hear the lies, and fall for it all over again, only to fall even harder when I caught them again.

Tommy had managed to talk to me, but I didn't believe his story either, that Danny had gone round because he had wanted to self harm again, and had just cuddled in their bed all night. I would never believe that, it was clear that they had done more than cuddle, only Dougie had a shirt on, which was Dannys. Danny and Harry clearly hadn't been wearing anything, Danny had looked sweaty and worn out, like he used to after we had slept together, and Harry had had scratch marks on his shoulders. Of course they had done more than cuddle! No way was I believing they had been cuddling.

Even on the way home, Danny was trying desperately to get my attention, but it wasn't working, I was not going to talk to him, maybe in a few months, after I got over the initial pain. But not now, not while my heart was still being ripped out, and my arms and legs screamed for sharp objects. Thankfully, I managed to get out of the car and run into my house before the minivan had even parked, so no-one could ask me for anything. Danny had been trying to get me to agree to him coming round so he could get some of his clothes, but I refused, he would corner me and make me listen to him, if I heard him talk to me about that night, I would honestly scream. It was the only thing I saw in my mind, all the time. My 'lovers' hands on my 'friends' bare bodies, head pillowed on bare chest, their words to each other. Saying that they loved each other, as their bodies entangled more, looking the trio I had managed to convince myself they weren't.

"hey, good day?" Carrie broke my mental image with her smile. "yeah, we, er, have another film premier to go to though." I sighed, keeping pressed against the door. "oh, alright. What is it?" Carrie asked, pulling me from the door. "dunno." I shrugged, taking my hand from hers. I didn't want to be touched anymore than I already had been. My skin felt like it was crawling, craving the touch of my exboyfriend. I wanted to go and hide away in my music room to draw and write and cut until I felt better. "alright, well, go get ready, I'm going to make us some dinner. Burgers and chips okay?" Carrie didn't notice me taking my hand back, just carried on like normal. _She didn't want to hold your hand. She thinks you're dirty and pathetic. _

"yeah, sounds good." I mumbled and stumbled up the stairs, praying she wouldn't come up for another chat. I needed some time to myself, to hide my face, get out some of my emotions before I started crying. All I had wanted all day was to cry, cry in a corner in a dark room where no-one would find me. I still couldn't believe that I had been cheated on by the only man I had ever loved, couldn't blame him though, I was a mess, an attention seeking, ugly mess. I was only kept around because mine and Dannys 'relationship' hid away the threesome going on between Danny, Harry and Dougie, I was a convenience, who could also write songs and made the others look good. _You were never wanted here. You haven't deserved any part of this band. You shouldn't be here, you don't belong here_. Yeah, I didn't belong here. I never belonged anywhere. No-one ever wanted me, I just hung about in places, convincing myself that I belonged. Maybe I should have escaped again a long time ago, I was right to run away, I needed to run away again. It wasn't like I was wanted, or like I deserved to live in this house, I didn't really live in it anyway, I kept my stuff here and slept here sometimes too. That was it, I just wanted to run away now, get away from all of this, pretend I had never come back.

Without realising it, I suddenly was in the bathroom, razor blade pressing into my arm, tears rolling down my face uncontrollably. Sobs were shaking my whole body, the feeling of worthlessness over taking me completely. I wanted to disappear, or at least wanted these feelings to disappear, I wanted to forget that Danny was cheating on me, I wanted to feel alright again.

"hey, everythings ready! Where are yo-" Carrie called, walking in on me. I didn't even have the sense to pretend like I hadn't done anything, just fell onto my side, continuing to cry. "oh Tom, come here." Carrie sighed, pulling my body upwards as she sat down, wrapping me into her arms. And I let her, wanted so badly to have someone comfort me, stop all this pain and all these thoughts going through my head and make me feel better.

352 Harrys POV

"Toms not coming tonight." Tommy suddenly announced in the car, after getting off the phone. "what? Why not?" Danny asked straight away, going from just worried to looking like he wanted to run to find Tom as soon as he could. "he's not up to it. He'll be alright tomorrow, but according to Carrie, Tom needs tonight to rest." Tommy explained, he wasn't telling the truth. "Tommy, whats really going on?" I leant forward, he was hiding something. "I don't know, Carrie wouldn't say. I could hear Tom crying in the background, but Carrie said to not go round, that she could handle it." Tommy sighed, Danny and Dougies hearts visibly broke in front of my eyes as mine shattered too.

"he-he's crying?" Danny whimpered, visibly straining to keep in his seat. "yeah, I think so. Look, just, leave him to calm down, until you can talk about things calmly I think its best to leave them to it. Thinking you've been cheated on is probably the worst feeling in the world, just wait until you can talk calmly then sort it out. Now, are we still going to this premier?" Tommy asked, giving us a sympathetic look. "I don't want to go without Tom." Danny sighed, looking down at his lap. "we're not going if Dannys not." I spoke up for me and Dougie, I knew he wasn't bothered about this film, he had only really cared for Pirates Of The Caribbean, because it was about pirates, this time he didn't care if he went or not.

"alright, well, go home guys. Get some rest so you're ready for tomorrow. We've only got a few interviews and photoshoot to do." Tommy sighed, getting out of the car with us. "alright, I hope he's okay. Toms so fragile, I want him to be okay." Danny tried looking into Toms windows from the driveway, luckily we could see him. Tom and Carrie were sitting on the floor, Carries arms wrapped tightly around Toms shaking body as he sobbed into her shoulder, he looked like he was in so much pain, it was horrible. "f*ck, I caused that." Danny swore, his legs going weak, I had to grab him quick before he collapsed again.

"you didn't cause it Dan. It just happened." I pulled him upright again, keeping him in my arms. "but, I left the house, left him on his own...its my fault. Its all my fault!" Danny whimpered, yanking at his hair. "its not your fault Danny. You needed someone that night would wouldn't freak out when you said you needed help. Tom would have panicked or something, we wouldn't do that, you did the right thing. You came to the people who could help you the most." I pulled his hands from his head, hugging him close, trying to make him feel better. "I-I should have stayed. I wish I stayed." Danny looked close to tears, gripping onto my hands. "shhh Dan, we can't change it now, there's no point in working yourself up." I tried, trying to get him to calm down, or just stay put and not run off into Toms house. "its all my fault, and it f*cking hurts! I should have stayed, one cut wouldn't have been so bad, as long as I kept our relationship with Tom!" Danny started crying, hiding his face in his shaking hands. "right, come on, lets get you home, you're just torturing yourself by standing here." I gave up, managing to lead Danny back to his own house.

"I-I love him so much! Its all my fault that we're not together! Its all my fault that Toms crying so much!" Danny cried, hugging me close, obviously needing someone to cling to in the place of his now exboyfriend. "oh Dan, its not your fault! You came over for some comfort, nothing more, nothing less! Its just happens that Tom came over too and saw us, and got the wrong end of the stick! We will sort this out, I swear, we will sort this out." I tried to comfort him, feeling Dougie manage to work his way into our hold.

"we need to sort this out! This hurts so much! I just want him back! Toms in so much pain because of me. I need to make him better." Danny whimpered, his whole body twitching and almost twisting with his tears. My heart broke for him, I couldn't imagine how bad he was feeling. Seeing Tom cry like that had been torture, god knows what it had done to Danny who loved him with everything. And thinking that he caused this had to be even worse, no wonder he was in so much pain.


	180. Chapter 180

**FLOYNTERxxx - we shall see if Tom finds out the truth or not soon :)**

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353 Dougies POV

I didn't know what to do, I was just stood here, hugging both Danny and Harry, trying not to think about Toms cries ten doors down the road. "I'm sorry guys, it just hurts." Danny wiped his tears, letting go of us. "its alright Danny, anything to make you feel better." Harry smiled a bit, "want us to stay round?"

"no, I'm alright, I'll be fine by myself." Danny shook his head, managing a watery smile. "you sure? Cause we can stay, Tom probably won't come round tonight, cause Carries with him." Harry asked, keeping his hands on the both of us protectively. "I'll be okay, don't worry about me." Danny smiled again, pushing his hair out of the way. "alright, if you're sure. You can come round ours if you need to." I jumped in, wanting to make Danny feel better somehow. "nah, I'm alright. You guys go home, have some fun or something. I'm just going to go to bed." Danny sighed, moving out of our arms, pulling down his sleeves, covering his hands.

"totally sure? We can stay, if you need it, we can stay." I moved forward a bit, wanting him to change his mind, so we could stay. We couldn't help Tom, but, we could help Danny, right? "totally sure guys. Go home, have a proper sleep." Danny declined, leading us to the door. "alright, but if you need anything, just come round." Harry sounded like he was begging Danny to come round if he was in trouble, because we knew he wouldn't. Not now that Tom had caught us and thought we were having an affair. Danny was blaming himself for that whole thing, it wouldn't help anything if he kept on coming round, he would feel even more guilt, and probably make Tom worse if he found out. "yeah, alright. Bye guys. I'll see you in the morning." Danny closed his front door, leaving us to wander home to our own house.

Our night was uneventful, so in the morning it was a wasn't such a surprise to find that Danny hadn't turned up last night. I knew he wouldn't have, but it made me a bit worried over whether or not he had done anything. "alright this morning?" I asked first, the minute we ran into him. "yeah, I'm alright. I slept for most of last night, so I'm fine." Danny smiled properly, though there was a hint of worry in his eyes. "good, so, wanna go in and see if Toms any better today?" Harry moved his hands to my sides, squeezing comfortingly. "yeah... I hope he's better, we need to sort this out soon." Danny pulled in a deep breath, before letting us all into Toms house, there was almost silence inside, like no-one was home. The only sound was a small whisper, it was barely audible, but it was there.

Following it, we found that it was Carrie, tucked away in a corner with Tom, whispering gently to him as he drew on a large pad of paper. We stayed hidden behind the door for a few minutes, just to see what was going on, neither of them had seemed to notice that we were even here. "so, what are you drawing anyway?" Carrie whispered, her hand gently resting on her brothers 'clean' arm. "nothing, just junk." Tom replied, holding his book at such an angle that only he could see it, no-one else could. "brain gloop then?" Carrie laughed a little, looking up and noticing us, "oh, looks like we have company. Hey guys!" she smiled, staying by Toms side, but grinning up at us like nothing had happened.

354 Dannys POV

Carrie was obviously trying a new approach today, trying to make it seem like nothing had happened between us and Tom. So far, it seemed to be working, Tom was continuing to draw, not looking like he was about to cry or run off or anything! It made me smile, to see Tom actually sit still and look at least half way to relaxed, instead of the tensed boy who looked like he wanted to cry. "so how did the film go then, any good?" Carrie asked, making the first step towards conversation. "we didn't go in the end. Got too tired." I lied, I just didn't want to go without Tom, knowing he was at home crying his poor eyes out because of me.

"ah, same with Tom here... so, anyone want anything before you set off today?" Carrie got up, Tom whimpered quietly to himself, focusing even harder on his drawing. "no, not really. Few more hours sleep would be nice." I tried joking, feeling like it failed when Tom whimpered, meaning he probably took that the wrong way. "I think all of us want a few more hours sleep, but all I can give you is a sofa to sit on for a while though." Carrie indicated the sofa, subtly moving in front of Tom, hiding him half from view.

Slowly, I felt the three of us move as a trio towards the sofa, carefully dropping down on it, I kept a large space between me, Harry and Dougie, just in case. Instead, I sat nearer Tom, wanting to be near him, see if I could see what he was drawing. He just shuffled further away, really backing himself into the corner to carry on drawing. "well, I'm going to get you some stuff to eat, you all look hungry, make yourself comfy." Carrie winked and bounced out, leaving the four of us, alone. The awkward atmosphere dropped on top of us like a tonne of bricks, none of us knew what to say, even less than we did before this happened. What did you say to the person who was now you're exboyfriend, who thought that you were cheating on him with the rest of the people in the room? You couldn't say anything to that really, apart from 'I'm sorry. This was all a mistake' though I highly doubted that Tom would believe me no matter how many times I said that.

"so erm, whats happening today?" I broke the silence, hugging my knees close, wishing it was Tom hugging me instead. "er, few interviews and a photoshoot I think, not too sure." Harry answered, gently kissing Dougies hair, rubbing his back. The poor guy was sat on top of Harrys lap, curled up in his arms, looking so scared and worried, like he knew that if we weren't careful, things would explode. "alright, not too bad then." I sighed, desperately trying to think of a way to get Tom involved in this conversation. Instead of him being constantly either growling at me, or just plainly ignoring us. I just wanted him to stop thinking like this and just let me talk to him.

"right, Tom, we need to talk." I gave up, me and Tom needed to talk. We had to talk about this, right now! Tom whimpered and pulled a duvet over his body, that I hadn't even noticed he had with him. "Tom, please, don't be like this, we need to talk." I knelt down in front of him, trying to move the duvet from his head. "Dan, don't push too far." Harry warned, him and Dougie scooting across the sofa. "Tom, please, let me talk to you. Please, I'm begging." I whimpered, trying to pull his duvet away, not managing it. Tom could be quite strong when he needed to be. "go away." Tom whimpered, sounding like he wanted to cry. "no, please, you honestly have this all wrong. You have completely got the wrong end of the stick." I was pleading, desperately wanting Tom to just listen to me. But he wouldn't, he refused to listen, just carried on hiding, eventually running and hiding, saying that we had told him enough, he didn't want to listen anymore.

355 Toms POV

"go away! Leave me alone! I don't want to hear it!" I cried, shouting out at Danny, who was on the other side of the door. "Tommy please! We need to talk about this, you've got the wrong idea! I'm not cheating on you, I love you so much!" Danny shouted, _LIAR_! "liar!" I repeated the voice, knowing he didn't love me. No-one cheated on their lover, no-one ran into a different house to cuddle, no-one said that they loved someone other than their boyfriend..._no-one shouted at their lover to go away and never come back as he looked into his own front room window_. Danny had done all of that, I should have expected this, but it still hurt so much, like I was being stabbed while my heart got ripped out at the same time.

"I'm not lying! Tom, I swear I never slept with anyone else!" Danny argued, I didn't believe him. "you said you loved them! You said you loved them!" I could hear it in my head, Dannys voice saying that he loved Harry and Dougie, and Harry replying that they loved him too. That they always had and they always would. "as friends! I meant like friends Tom! I love you so much more than that! You're my boyfriend Tommy, you mean everything to me, nothing can come close to how much I love you!" Danny lied, he didn't want me, he never had. _He screamed at you to go away, and you came back, he had to pretend to love you. Now go away again_. The voice was right, I had come back after he had told me to go, I had to get out of here again, so all this pretending and these arguments didn't happen anymore, I hated these arguments. All I wanted to do was run back into Dannys arms and never let him go ever again, forget all about that moment, pretend to be happy again. But I couldn't, I wasn't worth it, I wasn't loved around here, I couldn't stay.

Ignoring everything else Danny said, I ran into the wardrobe, getting out my suitcase, unzipping it on the bed. I ran back and forth, collecting all of my clothes, shoving them into my suitcase, trying to ignore the tears blurring my vision. "Tom! Stop this, please!" Danny cried, I ignored him, he was pretending, he didn't want me to stop. The door burst open and Danny fell in, looking like he was about to cry, staring at my half packed suitcase. "what are you doing?!" Danny shouted, seemingly frozen to the spot.

"leaving, what does it look like?" I growled, trying to sound like my heart wasn't still shattering, like Danny wasn't everything that I wanted. Like we weren't meant to be in my mind. "what? You can't leave! Please don't leave, we can sort this out, Tommy, please!" Dannys tears fell. _He's panicking because they'll be found out when you leave._ "But you told me to leave! You told me! You told me to run away and never come back!" I cried, remembering Danny shouted at me to never come back, the day I was looking through my own front room window. It was all coming back to me, all the voices words, Dannys own words, everything. It stung like nothing else I had ever felt. "what? I never said that!" Danny shouted, looking very confused all of a sudden. "you shouted, you f*cking screamed at me to go away, that night I was looking through my window! You screamed at me to get the hell away and never come back, and thats what I did, until some sodding ambulance came along and brought me back! And the only reason why I have stayed this long was because I thought that maybe I could change into something good for once, that maybe you could love, but I can't! So just let me go, so we're all happy." I held back more tears until I started to pack more of my stuff all over again. The memories of crying last time, it killed me, and here I was, doing it all over again, realising again that I wasn't wanted here, I was never loved, it was all just a lie. 'No, no, come back. Jesus Tom, stop it, we need to talk about this." Danny grabbed my arm, pulling me away from the suitcase.

"no! We can't talk about this! I'm a convenience, you don't actually want me, you only use me so you and the others don't get found out! All this time you've been pretending, because I am too pathetic to actually have someone like me for real! Everything is better when I'm not here, its better if I go and leave you alone! Now go away! There's nothing else to say!" I tried to stop crying, to look strong and not the pathetic piece of dirt I was, but I honestly couldn't stop. All I wanted to do was cry and scream. "Tom you are not pathetic! So many people love you, I love you so much. You are not a convenience to us, you are genuinely one of our bestest friends, you're my boyfriend. Nothing is better when you're not here, its like there's nothing good in the world when you're not here. You can't leave us here, please don't leave us here!" Danny argued again, a hint of begging in his voice. "just because you need someone who will make you look even better looking and to hide your actual relationship! And don't give me a whole load of sh*t about it being a bad place if I'm not here, I know its not true. Now get out, I don't want you or anyone else to be here." I pulled out of his grip on me, not wanting to be touched, not wanting to be even looked at.

"its not bullsh*t though! Its true! The real relationship here is you and me Tommy, and you don't make us look better looking. You leave us all behind on beauty, I swear, we pale next to you." Danny looked desperate, I was actually half tempted to believe him. But I couldn't! This was the fourth time that I had found out that this whole thing was a lie, I was not falling for it again! I couldn't take falling for it again. Danny was making up lies again, about everything. I did not leave the rest of them behind on beauty, and our relationship wasn't real. The love I still stupidly felt was real, but everything else was fake, it was an impossibility to be in love with me, I was a freak, he couldn't be in love with me. "please, stop lying, just stop." I whimpered, the walls I had put up falling down yet again. I hated myself sometimes. _You should, you're pathetic._

"I'm not lying Tommy, please, I'm not lying! Please, just at least stay." Danny grabbed my hand. "don't touch me, and don't call me Tommy." I growled, yanking my hand away, we couldn't hold hands, I would fall for it all over again, as I always did. "alright, anything, just please, stay, please." Danny begged, looking so hopeful. _Hopeful that you'll stay so he stays hidden_. "b-but you told me to go away." I cried, I knew it was true, I remembered it clearly. "I did, but, I didn't know it was you, I swear, I didn't know it was you." Danny explained, reaching out for my hand, but thinking better of it, "I honestly want you to stay, just stay, please, stay at the least. We can work this out, honestly, we can work this all out. Just stay." Danny pleaded. _He wants you to stay so you can be told more lies_. I knew that, but I couldn't resist his big blue eyes, I still loved him so much, that wouldn't ever change, no matter how many times he broke my heart. "I-I'll stay." I whispered, not believing a word of anything else Danny said. I still felt so angry at him, and so, so hurt, but, I agreed to stay anyway, to keep him from being found out. I could put up with the pain, I was sure I could, I could put up with it, right?


	181. Chapter 181

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - haha yeah :)**

**FLOYNTERxxx - that was while Tom was still missing, he shouting at Tom to stop looking into his house window! :) it was right near the beginning, i hope it did post...**

**D - haha! i like being an evil writer sometimes! xD**

**ohh i'm about to upload a new SA called Finding The Right Guy, its a Flones if you're interested! :)**

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356 Dougies POV

The shouting stopped from upstairs, and I got so worried, wanted desperately to know if Tom and Danny were making up yet or not. Or if they had killed each other, or something I didn't even want to think about. "whats happening?" I whispered, scared that somehow Tom and Danny would hear me. "I don't know...they're talking." Carrie whispered back, leaning through the banister, looking through to Toms room discreetly. "good, anything else?" Harry asked, holding onto my sides to stop me from running upstairs to listen for myself.

"no, not yet! Now shhh!" Carrie shook her head, turning to face Toms room again. We waited in anticipation for more news, trying to watch Carries reactions to the apparent silence. She smiled as Danny walked out, the both of them coming back downstairs again. "what happened?! Whats going on?!" I asked first, trying to work it out just by looking at Dannys face. "still doesn't like us, still thinks he's worthless, but not going anywhere." Danny sighed, flopping onto the sofa, like that conversation had taken everything out of him. "what do you mean not going anywhere?" I asked, Tom hadn't been planning on going somewhere, had he? "well, he was packing his suitcase again, wanting to leave. But I've just about managed to convince him to stay. And thats about it really." Danny explained, sighing loudly again. "do you think he would have gone?" Harry pulled me closer to him, like he could sense that I was getting really worried.

"yeah, I do. Or at least tried anyway." Danny nodded, I whimpered loudly. "I would have stopped him, don't worry. I'll lock the doors and windows though, just in case." Carrie managed a soft smile, sitting down on the sofa too, leaving me and Harry to stand and hold each other. "thanks, I can't believe we're doing this again." Danny sighed, slouching even further into the sofa, like he was slowly deflating. "I know, but, we won't have to once we've sorted this out and got you back together again, it'll be fine. Tom won't want to run away again, I'm sure." Harry reassured, tugging on my tshirt until it was straight, one of his nervous ticks he had when there were no drumsticks to play with.

"I hope so, but getting Tom to listen properly is so hard. His self esteem is so low he can't bring himself to believe that he's actually loved." Danny whimpered, playing with the key again, "and at this rate, I will never be giving him this key." He continued, looking so worried again. "you will Danny, you'll give him the key at some point. We can get through this, I know we will, we'll get through this. But at the moment, we have to keep our spirits high, and just try and get through today. Remember, we're going out today, so at least you'll be holding hands and stuff." Harry tried to cheer him up, it didn't seem to work. "I don't want to go out today. And it'll be a lie of a relationship again, and that hurts so much." Danny shook his head, his eyes tearing up.

"well, we don't have to go out, we have a few days or so off after today, guess we can say one of us is ill or something." Harry suggested, leaning his head on my shoulder, letting me grip onto his arms. "alright, we can have today off. That would be nice. To cook up an idea, or something, that could sort this out." Danny mumbled, falling onto his side on the sofa, curling up. "exactly, I'll go phone Tommy and tell him. He probably won't be too happy, but, it'll be worth it." Harry let me go and went to phone Tommy, leaving me to stand awkwardly on my own, until I sat down by Dannys feet, not sure what else to do.

357 Harrys POV

I sighed as I hung up from my phone call with Tommy. He wasn't happy that we weren't coming in, but he understood at the same time that we had a few problems we needed to work through. So while me, Danny and Dougie plotted a way to get Tom to actually believe that he was loved, Carrie went upstairs to sit with Tom for a while, so he wasn't still alone after his and Dannys talk. "should we try to get him to talk with us, or just hang out, without anyone else around?" Dougie suggested, stroking his lizard toy, like it was one of his iguanas.

"yeah, maybe that could work." Danny agreed, laying down on our laps, he usually wouldn't have, especially not at a time like this, but I guess he just really needed to feel someone next to him. "should we try now?" Dougie asked, looking up to me like I knew all the answers. "no, maybe not. Maybe wait until tomorrow. Let Tom cool down, he was quite emotional by what you told us." I advised, fiddling with Dannys hair a bit, not really knowing what to do with the hand that wasn't wrapped around Dougies middle.

"yeah, probably a good idea. I guess we could have a song writing day tomorrow." Danny agreed again, staring blankly at the TV, not really taking in what was going on. "yeah, alright. We'll get him round yours and do some song writing, and hopefully get Tom to believe that we do love him." I smiled, hearing footsteps on the stairs. We all looked round to see Tom and Carrie wander downstairs, wandering outside to do…something. Though, I had no idea what they were doing. "I wanna hug him." Danny whimpered, almost inaudibly, as the back door closed.

"not the best idea Dan, just wait until you've sorted yourselves out." I advised again, keeping a hand on his side to keep him from running after them. "yeah, I know. I just miss him so much and I want to help, but I know I'll make things worse." Danny flopped back on top of us, looking so guilty. "we all miss him, but we'll manage it somehow, we'll get him back soon." I encouraged, tracing patterns over Dannys shoulder to calm him a little. "yeah, we'll talk tomorrow, that'll work, we'll talk tomorrow." Danny sighed, calming the panicked look on his face a bit.

We spent the rest of the day at Toms, though he didn't really come into whichever room we were in, he stayed with Carrie either outside, or in the music room upstairs. We left them to it, not wanting to upset Tom more than he already was, none of us wanted to push ourselves onto him, make him want to run away. Danny had only just convinced him to stay, we didn't want to push him into leaving. We only went up when it got to about the time we should be leaving, going upstairs carefully just to say goodbye.

We were greeted by a medium size lump of duvet on the floor, in the shape of the Fletcher siblings. "hey, we're going to go now, before one of us falls asleep on the sofa." I tried to tease, it didn't really work, trying to ignore that it was a bit weird to hide like this under a duvet. "alright see you guys tomorrow. You have a day off, don't you?" Carrie popped her head out of the duvet, Tom kept his head inside. "yeah, we do. But we were thinking of doing some song writing or something. So, don't suppose you could come round too? So we can all write together." Danny answered, looking hopeful even as Tom whimpered from under his duvet. "yeah, we'll be round tomorrow. No worries." Carrie smiled, waving as we moved back downstairs.


	182. Chapter 182

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - thanks! **

**FLOYNTERxxx - well we'll have to see if he warms up to him again or not, but at least he does still have Carrie!**

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358 Toms POV

I sighed as I heard the front door close, relieved that everyone had gone home now, so I could walk around my house without having to worry I would see the trio I called my band mates. I had seen them earlier, cuddled up on the sofa together, Danny laying across Harry and Dougies laps, all their arms around each other. It stung to see that, to know that they weren't even going to bother hiding from me. I guess they had the right to show their love in some way, because of me they had been hiding it away for what could have been years.

"Tom, I think its time we had some dinner now. You haven't had much today, you'll feel better after a meal." Carrie got out from under my duvet, pulling on my hand. "I'm not hungry." I was almost pleading whatever higher power there was to not make me go through another food argument. I was not going to eat, I was not hungry, so there was no point in it. Carrie couldn't make me eat, I didn't want anything. _You're not worth it anyway, no point in even trying._ Exactly, I wasn't worth it anyway, so there was no point in trying. "alright, well, I think its time for bed then. You've had another long, emotional day, its probably best if you have some sleep now." Carrie managed to pull me to my bedroom, making me lay down in bed, turning on the TV.

"night Tom, call me if you need anything." Carrie smiled, and wandered out, closing the door. I waited a few seconds, then sat back up again, not wanting to go to sleep yet. I wasn't tired, and I couldn't sleep in this bed, Danny had slept in this bed so many times, the sheets still smelt like him. It made me feel sick and like I was going to cry again, thinking that Danny should be in bed too, curling up with me even though he knew full well that I never actually slept in bed anymore. All I could see in my mind was him, laying in this bed, then Harry and Dougie getting in too, hugging him, kissing him, telling each other that they loved each other. I hated it, I just wanted it out of my head, for it to leave me alone, but every time I saw a bed, it was all I could think about. And when I saw them, all they were doing was touching each other in some way or other, reminding me that they were together now, and I wasn't in this picture anymore.

I crawled back out of bed again, bringing my knees to my chest to keep warm, feeling so cold, so lonely. I wanted someone to come in and hug me, but I knew that wouldn't happen, no-one wanted to hug me anymore, Carrie was the only one who tried, and she wasn't going to sleep on the floor all night, just because I was_. You need to get out of here, get away from everyone, no-one wants you here_. But I couldn't leave, I told Danny I wouldn't! _Like he told you he loved you?_ Yes, but, I couldn't go! I was keeping my promise, I didn't want Danny to have to face coming out for a second time, this time with Harry and Dougie. It was painful enough the first time, it couldn't happen again for a second time within a few weeks.

_But he broke your heart, he needs some sort of revenge put on him. Don't be pathetic all your life, stand up to him and break a promise. See how he likes it._ But how could I do that? I didn't want to break promises anymore, I didn't want to lie, I just wanted to be good! _You can't be good, you lie all the time and break promises. And Danny does it even more than you do, so get moving. The suitcase is packed, go and leave, go on, leave. _I gave in, like usual. I knew I couldn't take being here anymore, I wanted to run and hide away somewhere far away, where I didn't see all this cuddling around me. I didn't want to see all these thoughts in my mind anymore, I didn't want the memories anymore! If I went, maybe they would go away, maybe they would leave!

So, I waited until I heard Carrie go to her own room, knowing she would put in her headphones for a while so she wouldn't hear me. Then grabbed my suitcase, racing downstairs as fast and as quietly as I could, trying to get the door open. But it wouldn't budge! And the keys weren't here either! Why was this happening again?! _They don't trust you, you're like an animal, an animal trapped in a cage._ I didn't want to be an animal! I wanted to be a human who was allowed to go out and be free!

"let me out, I don't want to be here, please, let me out." I whimpered to the air, sliding down the door, just wishing I was allowed to leave so I could get away from these thoughts and memories, so I could forget about everything. I just wanted to forget, thats all, just forget. Was that too much to ask?

359 Dannys POV

The next morning, I found I was laying on my sofa, with Brucie laying with me, resting under my arm. Ralphie was on the floor, unable to fit on the sofa with me too. "morning sleepyhead!" someone made me jump a bit, waking up the poor dogs. "huh? Go away its too early and I don't care!" I groaned, my face hiding in my cushion. I didn't want to face another day without Tom, it felt like he had run away again, only his ghost was around to haunt me...actually, it was like when he first came back, when he couldn't even talk to me, or be in the same room. At least I could talk to him now though, even if most of it was arguing and trying to calm the poor guy down before he burst into tears.

"come on, you have to get up! Before Tom comes round." Dougie smiled, shaking me a little, still holding his lizard toy in his hand. "ugh, fine, how long before he comes round?" I asked, sitting up and rubbing my face. "I don't know, but get up anyway. Harrys making breakfast!" Dougie grinned, running over to his husband, who was making a fry up. So, I gave in, wandering over to them, trying to wake myself up. "ah he arises from the sofa!" Harry joked, turning over the sausages. "shut it, see you've decided to raid my cupboards then?" I quipped back, sitting on the counter, not really caring that I wasn't even dressed yet.

"yeah, we did. But you're getting a fry up out of it, so do you really mind?" Dougie smiled, nuzzling into Harrys shoulder blade, hugging him round his middle. So Dougie was in an overly cuddly mood today, this could work to our advantage. I wonder if Tom would let him cuddle up to him, no-one could resist Dougie cuddles, no matter how angry they were, right? I hoped so, Tom did have a soft spot for Dougie, maybe that was still there, somewhere inside his head.

Together, the three of us ate breakfast and waited for Tom to turn up. I wondered if he would even show, considering how much he hated being around us right now. Or if he had run away again last night! What if he had?! His bags had been packed, he could have easily run...but Carrie had locked all the doors and windows, right? She had done that, right? So he couldn't get out? She had to have locked all the doors and windows! But, what if Tom had tried to run away last night and Carrie didn't trust him to come round now?! Or he didn't want to leave the house?! What if? What if? What if? A million situations ran through my mind, each one more worrying than the last.

"Dan, don't worry, Tom will come round, and if he doesn't, Carrie will phone! Don't worry about it!" Harry didn't quite break my thoughts, they still flew through my mind, making me imagine the most horrible thoughts. Tom not wanting to come over, him never coming over again, saying he hated us, hated me. "b-but what if he doesn't want to come over ever again?" I whimpered, I didn't want Tom to never come back over again, I missed him so much already. My house was empty without him here, just his presence was enough to keep me happy, I wanted him here now, so we could be together, not alone like this.


	183. Chapter 183

**i may not be able to add as frequently for the next two weeks, as i've got a 'skills challenge' at school for the next two weeks and i've got to start packing up my house so i can move in a few weeks, but i'll hopefully still add at least once a day!**

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360 Toms POV

I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to stare until I burst into flames, or just dropped dead. I couldn't stand my face anymore, I couldn't stand my own body anymore, I was truly disgusting and nightmare worthy. My body was all weird angles, sticking out bones and scars. I was covered in cuts and scars, my arm and thighs looking like beacons to people, like they were screaming 'I'm a freak who hates himself' because that was what I was, a freak who hated himself. I hated everything about me, I was ugly and disgusting, and my personality didn't redeem me either. It was just as bad, rendering me completely loveless.

It was any wonder that Danny managed to pretend to like this thing. I mean, just look at me, I looked like I had crawled out of some dark recess of the earth, with my huge chin and bones that stuck out, stupid tattoos and greasy long hair. I needed surgery to get rid of this cr*p, serious, intense, surgery. Would I be loved then if I got surgery? Would people like me if I changed myself?_ No, they won't, they never will. You're too much of a freak, you'll always be a freak_. I whimpered, of course no-one would, who would like this? A stupid and worthless deformed man with a silly little childish personality, who could occasionally push out a song, that had to be reworked by his band mates over and over until it sounded like someone with talent had written it.

Footsteps started on the stairs and I scrambled to pull my jeans and jumper back on, trying to hide my body before Carrie got too horrified and left too. "hey, what are you doing up here?" Carrie asked, opening the door just as my jumper finished covering what I called a stomach. "nothing, nothing, just, nothing." I answered quickly, I wasn't doing anything, just reminding myself why I was unworthy of love from anyone. "alright, er, wanna come downstairs and do nothing with me then?" Carrie suggested, I shook my head, I didn't want her to see me, didn't want to make any noise. I just wanted to pretend that to the rest of the world I didn't exist, that was it, I didn't want to exist anymore. "oh come on, come with me, we'll have a Star Wars marathon or something." Carrie managed a smile, coming in and taking my hand. It was so warm, so soft, like Dannys, only smaller and less freckly. My hand looked so frail in hers, like if she held it any tighter, my hand would snap in two. _She is only trying so you don't try to run away again._

"I-I don't want to." I whispered, _good boy, don't be a child_. "please, you're worrying me being up here by yourself." Carrie pleaded, tugging on my hand. "I'm fine." I lied, pulling my hand out of hers. I was anything but fine, I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry, and never come back out again. I hated myself, for being so stupid to believe all the lies that people had told me over the years, for looking like I did, for forcing Danny into loving me. I should have never believed him when he said that he loved me that day, I just had because I had been so desperate for some type of affection, the type no-one had ever given me before. Before Danny, I had never had a boyfriend, I had never had anything like that. Just parents that hated me and a sister who stuck around because I was the only one of the family left. That was all I had, no friends, no family, no lovers. Turns out that my friends and boyfriend were lies to, I was back to nothing again. _You can't have anything, you're not worth it._

"you're not fine, you're crying, whats up?" Carrie made me notice the tears falling, messing up the make up I had put on earlier on. "I-I'm fine." I tried to lie, it wasn't going to work this time, was it? "no, you're not. Whats up? Still upset with Danny?" Carrie made me want to cry even more, reminding me of the night I saw him with the others, saying he loved them. And Harry telling him that they had always loved him and they always would. They had been together since the beginning, only brought me along because they had to, and they felt sorry for me.

"oh Tom, come here, its okay. We'll sort it out, just let him come over and you can talk this all out." Carrie sighed, giving me sympathy filled eyes. _She thinks you're pathetic_. "I-I don't want to." I whimpered, I wanted to talk so bad, but I couldn't. I couldn't be lied to again, falling for the 100th time for these lies. I was nothing, I wasn't worthy of love and affection, I couldn't have it anymore! But it still hurt so much to know that it was a lie, a complete lie. I didn't know what stung more, knowing that I really, really shouldn't be given love, or the fact that I was being lied to. "okay, okay, you don't have to talk. But, you still have to socialise, come on, come with me instead of being in here, tearing yourself to pieces. I have something to make you feel better." Carrie gently pulled me downstairs, giving me one of those antidepressants I had been avoiding like the plague. "they'll make you feel better, I'm sure. Now what do you want to do?" Carrie gave me a smile again. _Be quiet, don't you dare take over her day. _

"don't leave me, please, help me to be quiet." I begged, I just wanted someone to stay with me, and to be quiet. I needed to be quiet, maybe I could be quiet enough that when I was around people they wouldn't know I was there.

361 Dannys POV

I sighed when Carrie phoned, telling me that Tom wasn't coming round, he was too upset to come out. "alright, want me to come over there then? See if I can cheer him up?" I asked, wanting to do something, I felt useless just sitting here. "no, no don't come round. We'll be fine." Carrie declined, no sounds of another human in the background, just the TV. So, was Tom crying? Was he sleeping after crying? Had he cried at all? I hated not knowing, it was a horrible feeling, and knowing that I couldn't help him without making him worse was terrible. I needed to know and in some way help Tom out! I loved him, so much, I couldn't stand not being able to help Tom out.

"well, whats Tom doing now then? I wanna know." I asked, needing so badly to know. "he's watching TV and drawing, he's fine. I think his antidepressants are working." Carrie explained, what, huh? "wait, what antidepressants?" I sat up a bit. "the ones the hospital gave him that you guys haven't been giving him. I gave him one to help him out because he was low. Now look, I have to go, Tom needs a hug and some company." Carrie answered, hanging up. "but-" I protested, being met with the dial tone. D*mn it.

I smacked my head against the table, wanting to go over and hug Tom and make him feel better. "Dan, it'll get better soon. Carries looking after him, so its okay." Harry comforted me, rubbing my back. "but he's so upset and I can't do anything!" I moaned, I just wanted to go over and hug Tom close, tell him that I would make sure everything would turn out okay, and he was loved. "Carrie has it under control, I'm sure. And you'll be able to help soon too, once you've managed to sort everything out." Harry reassured, as my phone vibrated. I rushed to pick it up, seeing it was Carrie.

'I'll text you later, you can come round once I've got him asleep if you want.' The text read, thank god for that! At least I could see Tom, check to see if he was alright, even if he was sleeping, I didn't care. As long as I got to see him, and look after him in some way, it didn't matter. As long as I saw Tom with my own eyes, made sure that he was sleeping, calm in some way. I smiled, I couldn't wait for this!

So, I waited eagerly for my phone to vibrate, Carries text to come through and tell me I could see my boyfriend. I knew Tom wasn't exactly my boyfriend right now, but I still referred to him as my boyfriend, I would go crazy if I couldn't refer to him as my boyfriend. It took hours, literal hours, it was so far into the evening when finally, Carrie sent me a text. I was over to Toms house within seconds, desperate to see Tom, see with my own eyes that he was okay. Carrie led me to Toms room, and the sight I was met with the adorable. Tom was laying on the floor again, curled up in a ball under his Disney blanket, and finally, finally his toys were back. The toys surrounded him, facing all the doors and windows, placed strategically around his weak frame, his own little army protecting him from bad dreams and the monsters hiding in the dark.


	184. Chapter 184

**FLOYNTERxxx - haha, its not too bad really. we're working on promoting a dance compilation album for a record company, and all my team are really motivated in it, so i'm kinda hoping i can bunk off a bit and do the barest minimum cause i'm not really into that type of music... or into working for nothing unless we get in the top 4 groups! xD i'll probably be able to add once a day still by the looks of things, and because i don't have to be in constantly i'll still be able to do write and everything, so its currently looking good!**

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362 Harrys POV

Me and Dougie finally caught up with Danny in Toms room, watching him relax and his eyes fill with love. Tom did look cute admittedly, laying under his Disneyland blanket, surrounded by a toy army, Mickey Mouse under his arm. "aw! Did you do that?" Danny asked, indicating the toys. "we did it together. As you know, Tom doesn't like being on his own in the dark, but he didn't want to have me on the floor with him. So we set out the toys, so he isn't alone, and so the aliens in the dark can't get him." Carrie explained, smiling at her brother.

"aw! Why didn't turn the TV on then?" Danny looked momentarily confused. "that was your thing you did together, Tom doesn't like being reminded of that." Carrie explained, letting Danny go in and put a pillow under his head, tucking his fringe behind his ear. "he's so little." Danny whispered, biting on his nails, almost staring at Toms bony frame. "well, we have been feeding him, so he should be gaining weight." I replied, because we had been giving Tom food, surely he would be gaining at least a bit of weight, right?

"he's not been eating much, but he has been eating, I know he has." Carrie sighed, fiddling with the blanket. "we know he has, I guess its just taking a while to show on him." I suggested, because, how else would Tom be so skinny? His jumper looked like it was several sizes too big for him, the blanket not really helping with making him look normal sized, it just slumped against him, highlighting his tiny frame. "yeah maybe, look, I'll keep an eye on him. You guys better get going, before Tom wakes up, he will not be happy to see you here." Carrie sighed, standing up. Danny whimpered, but followed us out, glancing back at Tom every few seconds, like he would wake up as he walked out.

"so, has he been okay today? Please tell me he has been!" Danny asked the second we were downstairs, practically bouncing on the spot in worry. "yeah, he's been fine. Little teary, but you know, can't really expect anything else. Got a bit of a smile though, which is a start." Carrie shrugged, Dannys jaw dropped. "he smiled?! How the hell did you manage that?!" I jumped in before he did. "well about an hour or two after I gave him that antidepressant, we were both watching the Disney Channel and he smiled a little when they said Ferb Fletcher." Carrie explained, smiling a little herself. "yes! At least thats something, I just wish I could have been there to see it." Danny grinned, chewing on his nails at the same time, showing he was actually disappointed that he missed Tom smiling.

363 Dougies POV

"well, I think we should be getting a move on now, can we come back tomorrow to see Tom or not?" Harry broke the silence, none of us really knowing what to say to now. Danny just looked upset because he missed Tom smile, and he hadn't been the once to set off that smile. "er, I'll text you again, we'll have to wait and see what he's like in the morning." Carrie answered, picking at her nail varnish.

"alright, we'll be seeing you hopefully tomorrow then." Danny sighed, he clearly wanted to stay, and not have to wait to see Tom again, sneaking around the house so we didn't freak him out. "yeah, I'll be seeing you guys around. I'll keep you updated throughout the day." Carrie led us to the door. "thanks for that, and this evening. It means a lot, though it was a bit worrying with his weight." Danny smiled a little, copying Tom by chewing on his sleeve. I grabbed his hand, yanking it from his mouth before there was another whole in their sleeves...at this rate, between Tom and Danny, they weren't going to have any sleeves left!

"I'll keep an eye on him, don't worry." Carrie gave us a smile back, Danny relaxed a little. "thanks, as long as someone keeps an eye on him." He sighed, letting us put our arms around him, for a bit of comfort. "I will, have no doubts that I will make sure that Toms eating, and that he isn't going to hurt himself. I'll keep him out of harms way for you until you can talk this all out." Carrie reassured, closing the door, leaving us all to wander back down the road to Dannys house.

The poor guy flopped onto the sofa and curled up there, looking exhausted, about to pass out. "Dan, you alright?" I asked first, sitting down next to him. "yeah, I'm fine Dougs. Just worried, as usual." Danny smiled a bit, closing his eyes. "you sure?" Harry pushed a bit, holding onto my hand, like it would make me feel better. "yeah, don't worry about me. Just need to stop worrying and find a way to sleep for a few hours." Danny sighed, "I'm so tired, I just need a few hours rest I think." He continued, promptly managing to fall asleep.

"are we leaving him here or what?" I whispered, not wanting to just leave Danny here, by himself. "no, we'll stay too, just in case. I'm going to take him to bed, you go to the spare room, we'll sleep there." Harry gave me a quick kiss on the forehead, before carefully picking Danny up and taking him to his own room.

Me and Harry went to bed quickly afterwards ourselves, falling asleep in the spare room like Harry had said, being woken up in the middle of the night when Danny got into bed too, weakly crying in our arms for hours after another nightmare.


	185. Chapter 185

**FLOYNTERxxx - its a dance label, marketing a dance cd compilation, and everyone in my group doesn't pay attention to anything another than the word music -.- may end up screaming by the end of the two weeks! and Tom's POV is coming up soon! :)**

364 Dannys POV

_I happily lay on the sofa, my head resting on Toms only boxer covered thigh, his hand gently playing with my hair. I smiled, feeling so content here, like I never wanted to move ever again. "I love you Tom, so much." I kissed his leg, nuzzling a little closer. "I love you too Danny." Toms thumb ran across my cheek, tracing out a few freckles before running down to my shoulder. "hey, come here." Toms hands pulled me upwards, kissing me as softly as he possibly could, his legs on either side of my hips, holding me in place. _

_I smiled into the kiss, then realised something was wrong... I was the only one doing any kissing, Tom was trying to pull back. I pulled away myself, staring in horror as his once chubby face rapidly thinned, along with the rest of his body. It was like there was something inside him, sucking out his insides, making him a skeleton as the skin on his arms rose up, forming ridges and bumps all over him. Some burst, his blood pouring at of him, making him paler and paler until he was as white as snow. "Tommy whats happening?!" I scrambled out of our tangle of arms and legs, falling to the floor in horror. "you did this to me! This is all your fault!" Tom shouted, getting smaller and redder until he turned into a pile of blood covered bones on the sofa._

I screamed and bolted upright, heaving for breath. That had felt so real, like it could actually happen! But that couldn't happen, right? Of course it couldn't...it couldn't right? Tears fell down my face as the dream played over and over in my mind, it was all my fault, thats what I had done to Tom, made him a walking skeleton. I was turning what used to be such happy memories into pure hell, into the most horrific things possible, just because I was stupid enough to not notice when things were going wrong.

"Danny, was that you?" Harry called, reminding me that him and Dougie were still here. I bolted into their room, scrambling up the covers into their arms, needing to feel someone hold me, make me feel better. "hey, its alright, whats happened?" Harry asked, using the gentle voice he saved for Dougie and his panic attacks. "Tom, skeleton, blood, bones! Its all my fault, all my fault!" I cried, falling into his arms, needing to feel warm and safe arms. "its not your fault, don't say that, its not your fault." Dougie whispered, leaning on my shoulder, his little hands clinging to my arms. "it isn't your fault, because it wasn't real. It was a dream Danny. Just a dream." Harry comforted, rubbing my side gently, letting me borrow into his arms and hold on like it was Tom in my arms. "it was so real! So, so real! A-and it started as a memory! It was a memory!" I cried, whimpering helplessly, all I could see was Tom turning into a pile of bones, somehow still bleeding.

"oh Danny. The rest wasn't real, it really wasn't! And it won't happen, because it can't!" Harry reassured, he was wrong. "it can! Not as fast, but it can! Tom can starve himself to death, until he is only bones and he's dead!" I cried desperately, knowing it could happen, and it would happen. I had to get Tom to believe that I loved him, so he didn't feel the need to cut anymore, so he was happy, so he would eat again. He had to eat again, before he turned into a pile of bones, and died! If Tom died, I wouldn't survive, not for a minute, I loved him so much, he couldn't leave me forever! "shhh, calm down Danny, we have a plan to get you back together tomorrow, we'll tell you more in the morning."

365 Toms POV

I woke up to find I was still surrounded by my toys, the ones I had set out last night, my blanket still over me, keeping me a bit warmer. I felt so cold today, so, so cold, I was already shivering. I wasn't moving now, no way. I didn't want to move away, it was partially warm under the blanket, outside it was going to be so cold, colder than the showers I had, colder than my frozen soul. And I just didn't want to face another day of feeling hatred towards myself because I was pathetic. "Tom, getting up yet?" Carrie made me jump, opening the door, how the hell was she running around in pyjama shorts and a tshirt?! It was freezing! Absolutely freezing, even with my long sleeves and hoodie on.

"no, so cold." I whimpered, hiding under my blanket even more. "what? Its not that cold! Come on, get up! Its your birthday today!" oh no it wasn't! It was not July the 17th, was it? It couldn't be! "no its not! Go away!" I moaned, hiding under my blanket. "well, not technically, but we're celebrating it anyway! You need to cheer up, so we're going to have cake and watch new Disney films like we used to! So get up, movie pyjamas on, and get moving!" Carrie grinned, taking my blanket from me, making me get up. What the hell was she up to?! I didn't get what she was doing at all, why would we be celebrating my birthday, even though it was weeks ago? I didn't get it, at all.

But, I followed orders, guessing it was easier to go along with her plans than to try and come up with my own, following her to my cinema room once I was dressed in 'my movie pyjamas' they were the same as normal ones, just I only wore them when Carrie called a movie day. "surprise!" Carrie grinned as she turned the light on, revealing, Danny, Harry and Dougie, also dressed in pyjamas, curled up on my sofa. What the HELL was going on?!

"surprise Tommy! We came over to celebrate the non-birthday!" Danny looked happy with himself, was he trying to make me hate him or something?! What the hell was he doing here with them?! Hadn't anyone ever thought that I didn't want to see any of my band mates, unless I had to?! Surely they knew I didn't want to! "yeah! We brought cake and popcorn!" Dougie smiled from Harrys arms, clearly in his official lovers clothes. "don't just stand there! Come in! There's loads of room here!" Harry pulled on Dougies shirt a bit, before adjusting his headband on his head, looking nervous. _They're here to torture you some more. Get out of here!_ The voice didn't have to say that twice! I needed to get out of here now! I didn't want to be with my exlover and his actual lovers, pretending that everything was okay when everything was clearly not alright!

"I'll go get some crisps." I ran down the stairs, finding that the door was locked, why was this happening?! "I'll come and help!" Danny called, his footsteps thundering down the stairs after me, oh god no, what did he want now?! I ran into the kitchen, trying to open the back too, no such luck. _We're trapped like animals!_ I was not an animal! "hey, don't look so jumpy! Look, we're not actually here to celebrate your birthday when its not your birthday...wow thats a weird mouthful...anyway, I wanted to talk to you instead." Danny stepped forward, looking so painfully beautiful and kind and like my boyfriend I wanted to scream and cry. _Don't you dare fall all over again. He's a liar and a cheater, don't you dare believe him._ I wasn't going to, no way was I going to listen.


	186. Chapter 186

**guest - thank you! :D**

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - he may do, then again he may not! :P**

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366 Dannys POV _a few hours ago._

In the morning, once I had woken up again and had had Harry explain what was going on today to me, we ran down the road to Toms, getting ready in the cinema room, hiding away until he woke up. I was desperate for this to work, this had to work, had to, I didn't how much longer I could take without Tom. Worrying myself half to death over what was going to happen without me there, whether he was eating, if he was sleeping, if he was crying, if he was doing anything! I needed to be with him, always, to make sure he was okay, anything else than okay wasn't something I would settle for.

"right, Tom should be waking up now, I'm going to go and get him, stay quiet, alright? Stay still and quiet until I turn the light on!" Carrie grinned, a little deviously, reminding me almost painfully of how Tom looked when he thought he had the greatest plan in the world. That look was so adorable, it made me want to hug him, more than usual, hug him like he was the sweetest little boy on the planet. I wished I could see that look again, see Tom look happy and childlike again. Maybe after we sorted this out I could help him with that, yeah, I would help him with that later on, once we were together again.

Footsteps came down the stairs, and my heart rate picked up, waiting not so patiently to see Tom, imagining what he looked like. Hair all messed up, standing on weird ends, dressed in his cute little pyjamas, his dressing gown making him look like a child, his big brown eyes making me want to drown in them. The light flicked on and there he was, almost exactly like I imagined him. Like I had thought, Tom was in his movie pyjamas, the ones with the little cameras on the bottoms, and one of his many Star Wars tops, his hair was flat and styled against his head, and oh his eyes! His eyes were still that deep brown, making me want to drown in them. Could he be any more perfect?!

"surprise Tommy! We came over to celebrate the non-birthday!" I stood up, knowing I was grinning stupidly at him, but how could I not when he looked so ridiculously cute and perfect and exactly like my boyfriend?! I couldn't! It was impossible! I loved him too much to not look at him like that! "yeah! We brought cake and popcorn!" Dougie joined in, smiling shyly from Harrys arms, Toms eyes widened, but he didn't move. "don't just stand there! Come in! There's loads of room here!" Harry encouraged, by the looks of things, there was a manic thought process whirling through Toms head, like he was trying to decide what to do with himself_. Don't scream, don't panic, oh god, please don't panic!_ I begged inside my mind, practically willing Tom by nonexistant mind control (no matter how many times Tom said there was such a thing) to sit down.

"I'll go get some crisps." Tom mumbled, running down the stairs faster than lightening, cr*p! "Danny don't just stand there, go talk to him!" Carrie urged, pointing after he brother. "I'll come and help!" I called, running down after him, hearing the door shaking before running footsteps again, and the back door shaking. "hey, don't look so jumpy! Look, we're not actually here to celebrate your birthday when its not your birthday...wow thats a weird mouthful...anyway, I wanted to talk to you instead." I carefully stepped forward, like I was walking towards a dangerous, angry, tiger. Though, Tom looked nothing like that, he looked so scared, so small, glancing everywhere, even managing a look at me a few times. He looked so, so scared, it broke my heart into pieces, he actually looked scared of me, tears welling up in his eyes. I could only hope that saying this would help out a bit.

367 Toms POV

"look, Tommy, I know what you saw was bad, but, you completely got the wrong end of the stick! I swear, you got it all wrong." Danny started, stepping forward even more, so close I could reach out and touch him. I was so tempted, just to feel him against me again, but I couldn't! He wasn't my boyfriend, he was my exboyfriend! He cheated on me, and was trying to lie to me again! "no! Shut up!" I put my hands over my ears, not listening, not touching him. "Tommy, please, listen to me." Danny pulled my hands away from my ears, holding my hands, feeling so soft and warm. Our hands joined perfectly, we were meant to be, supposed to be. How did this happen? _You're pathetic and ugly and worthless. He's perfect, beautiful and is everything, thats how. _

"let me go! Don't, please don't! Don't call me Tommy, don't say anything to me!" I pleaded, ignoring the voice trying to make it worse, trying to pull my hands away, unable to even move in Dannys strong grip. "no, Tommy, look at me. Please, look at me. Listen to me too, I'm trying to tell you what really happened, I hate this as much you do." Danny kept me still, oh god, he was going to tell me what really happened! _He's going to tell you all about the cheating, break you into pieces so you don't come back for more of him._ "I know, I know! You don't need to tell me! You never loved me, you pretended because there's no other way anyone will love me. I get it. Now let me go and go home!" I promised myself to not cry, I was not going to cry. I couldn't cry in front of Danny, he would feel sorry for me and would want to go back to pretending to love me. "no! No, baby, you have it all wrong! I swear, you have it completely wrong!" Danny caught my cheek in his hand, holding it gently, steadying me, making me look at him. But I couldn't look at his face, I couldn't look at him, I would just fall for all over again.

"I-I'm not your baby." I fought back weakly, fixing my gaze on the kitchen tiles, not at Dannys hands, not at his face either, not thinking about those ocean blue eyes staring into mine as we laughed and danced on these tiles, and so many other kitchen tiles over the years. "okay, but please listen to me. I didn't cheat on you, I would never even think to cheat on you. I love you so much." _I cheated on you, I have done the whole relationship, I hate you._ "I never pretended to love you, I have loved you since we were 18 years old." _I have always pretended to love you, I've hated your guts since we were 18 years old._ The voice corrected, it hurt so much to hear both versions, knowing one was a lie, the one I wanted to be true was a lie. "please, stop it, please!" I couldn't help it, the tears fell, by the bucket load, falling down my face, making me even more monstrous. _Nice going, now you really look pathetic. Don't listen to word being said now, don't you dare. Its going to be a lie out of sympathy._

"oh Tommy, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Don't cry like this, I'll start too!" Danny brought me into his arms, and I couldn't help it, I didn't fight back. _He'll cry because you're pathetic, because he has to sort out your sorry arse again. Now don't hold onto him, don't be that stupid. _"shh baby, its okay, we'll make it okay. I love you so much, I'll make it all okay, you just have to see that." Danny whispered, _don't believe him!_ "shut up, please, shut up!" I begged, hitting his chest weakly, not wanting to hear this. "okay, okay, shh, just calm down then. Calm down." Danny coaxed gently, but I fought, I wasn't doing anything he wanted me to do! "no, no, no!" I whined, feeling my legs weaken, and my eye sight go black.

The next thing I knew, I was tucked up in bed, people talking outside in the corridor. "he's difficult Dan, but we'll make him believe. He'll believe in the end." Harry promised, the shadows of them on the walls showed him bringing Danny into his arms, the two of them embracing, showing their relationship, making me feel so much worse.


	187. Chapter 187

**Guest - well, we'll have to see if Tom ever believes Danny again, he may do after a lot of convincing, but it doesn't seem likely right now :/**

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368 Dougies POV

I hurt so much as Tom struggled against Danny, telling him to not call him Tommy, and that he wasn't his baby. My heart actually shattered as I heard him say that Danny pretended to love him because there was no other way anyone would love him, the shards of my heart left pounded inside my chest as he started to cry, looking so weak and helpless. I wanted to run over and hug him, make him feel loved. But I couldn't, I couldn't run over and hug him, make poor Tom even worse.

"stay here Doug, let them sort it out." Harry kept a hand on my shirt, the other on my hip, keeping me still, away from what was happening. "please, stop it, please!" Tom cried, being brought into Dannys arms, standing against Dannys body, but not hugging back. "oh Tommy, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Don't cry like this, I'll start too!" Danny tried laughing, managing to hold Tom close, "shh baby, its okay, we'll make it okay. I love you so much, I'll make it all okay, you just have to see that."

"shut up, please, shut up!" Tom weakly hit Dannys chest, his legs shaking as Danny shushed him gently. "no, no, no!" Tom whined after Danny whispered something, slowly falling over, relying on Danny to hold him up more and more. "shhh, Tommy, it'll be okay, don't worry. Shh, calm down...oh god, don't pass out on me." Danny realised what happened as Tom went limp and quiet, carefully laying the blonde on the floor. Now I couldn't handle standing here, I ran forward, dropping down by Toms body, he was still breathing, thank god.

"he just, passed out. I-I pushed too far again." Danny whimpered, stroking Toms hair gently. "you didn't push too far. You did well, really well, you stayed calm, even when Tom started crying." Harry smiled, rubbing his back gently. "thanks, you think so?" Danny relaxed a little, running his fingers over Toms cheek still, maybe a little manically, like it was the only thing he could do. "yeah, you tried, and did really well. Its a setback that Tom passed out, but, it'll get better, we'll manage to get him to listen eventually." Harry smiled, playing with my hair at the same time.

"yeah, I know. Right, better get him somewhere comfy." Danny carefully picked Tom up, carrying him upstairs into his bed. Danny treated Tom like a fragile baby as he tucked him in, making sure he was in a comfortable position, covered up under the duvet, Mickey Mouse tucked under his arm. "it'll be okay baby, don't worry, you'll feel better later. I love you." Danny whispered, mostly to himself, kissing Toms forehead gently, pushing his long blonde fringe off his pale face. "come on, we'll discuss this outside, and leave Tom to sleep for a while." We gently pulled him back outside again, leaving Tom to rest, somehow managing to still look heartbroken and scared while he was passed out.

369 Harrys POV

We waited for a few hours outside Toms door, waiting for him to wake up, so we could talk to him again, or at least get him calm enough to sit with us. "I wish Tom would just listen to us." Danny sighed, chewing on his nails. "he's difficult Dan, but we'll make him believe. He'll believe in the end." I pulled him close, hugging Dougie too, feeling Carrie push into us too. "he has to, he has to believe us at some point." Danny pleaded, nuzzling into our bodies. There was a small whimper from the bedroom, making us all turn round and edge a little forward.

"I'll talk to him." Carrie sighed quietly, so only we could hear, making her way towards the door. "no, I'll go, it was my fault he passed out, I better go and make sure he's okay at the least." Danny shook his head, gently pushing Carrie back, going in before any of us could argue with him. Dougie whimpered quietly and turned to grip at my tshirt, burying his face in my chest, like he couldn't bear to see what was going to happen now. "shhh, Danny can handle this, I'm sure he can handle this." I whispered, rubbing Dougies back, leaning my head on his own, trying to protect him in some way.

"hey Tom, feeling any better now?" Dannys voice was gentle, very, very gentle. There was no verbal response, or at least, not one that was loud enough for us to hear. "alright, I'm glad, so... I'm sorry, for stressing you out like that. I shouldn't have made you stress that much, I'm just desperate to talk to you, to fix all of this. I hate seeing you like this, in so much pain and basically seeing you so miserable all the time." Danny carried on, through the crack in the door I was looking through, I could just see him sit on the bed, near to Toms face down body, his hand on his back, ever so carefully. It was like Danny was scared that just by touching Tom, he could break him into a thousand tiny little pieces that could never be repaired ever again. Though, I guess he could emotionally, just make Tom break completely by saying the wrong thing. He had to say the right thing, and get Tom to listen to him, make him realise that we weren't having an affair, Danny had never lied to him, and that we all loved him so much.

There was no noise from the bedroom, Danny just, sat there, staring at Tom, his hand staying on his back. "please, Tommy, can you answer me?" Dannys sighed at last, hanging his head. Tom shook his head into his pillow. "thanks, look, we'll talk more tomorrow. Want me to stay for a while longer?" Dannys hand moved a bit, his thumb tracing patterns over Toms back as he shook his head again, face still firmly planted into his pillow.

"okay, do you want Carrie then? She can come in too, she's just outside." Danny asked, Tom shook his head, "just want to be alone then?" this time, he got a nod. "alright, well, see you tomorrow Tommy, sorry, Tom." Danny whispered, standing up, hesitating, before leaning down and pressing a kiss to Toms hair, before walking out.


	188. Chapter 188

**FLOYNTERxxx - he does, but the thing is, will Tom listen to him?**

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370 Toms POV

I stayed where I was all night, trying to convince myself that everything was a lie, that that kiss had meant nothing to Danny, that he didn't mean any part of his speeches. I wanted so badly to believe him, but I couldn't, too scared to, too scared to be hurt again, to fall into the trap again and realise yet again that it was all wrong.

Before I knew it, it was morning, and I had to get out of bed, because we had a photoshoot to do today. Perfect, just perfect. Probably meant that I had to be touched and had to pretend that we were happy, that everything was okay, while still convincing myself it was all an act. It was not real, I must not enjoy it, it was a fake, and I couldn't ever believe that it was real. It would hurt even more if I made myself believe it was real, even though I knew it was not.

All too soon, we were all in the car again, I got in the front with Tommy, avoiding sitting next to any of the trio in the back, not wanting to be talked to. I didn't want to be talked to today, didn't want to spend so much time with the voice inside me snarling that it was all a lie. Luckily, no-one tried to talk to me, just left me to sit in my seat and listen to music, pretending that I wasn't there_. Good, you shouldn't be here anyway_. Here we go, the voice was waking up, telling me the truth, that I really didn't want to hear. _You need to, you can't get big headed, it would be wrong_. Good point.

"game faces on boys, we're here." Tommy announced in between songs, I pulled my earphones out and got out, letting Danny hold onto my right, clean wrist, his hands feeling so soft and gentle, like he was handling a baby. _You're not a baby, he thinks you're a baby_. "so, feeling better today?" Danny asked politely, smiling a little at me. "no, don't want to talk about it." My skin was crawling already in anticipation of todays photoshoot, knowing I was going to be stared at, the pictures posted everywhere, as per usual. I hoped to god I had long sleeves to wear, I didn't exactly want to reveal the bandage on my arm.

Soon, we met the photographer, finding that it was Misha Collins again, oh cr*p. "boys, hello again! Now please tell me that you've cheered up a bit since last time!" Misha gave me a dirty look, _nice going, just standing there makes him angry. _Today was going to be a long one, wasn't it? "yeah, we're cheered up." Danny growled, putting on a protective front, he didn't have to, I could look after myself. "good! Now come along, we're doing another simple shoot, just you guys, no props, no fancy outfits." Misha babbled for a while, showing us the plain background again, similar to the last one. "now, go and get changed, shooting starts in 30 minutes!" Misha wandering off eventually, leaving us to run and get changed (in separate rooms, thank god) into black suits before running back again.

"I think we'll do a few group shots first, so if you could stand in a line over there for me, maybe put your arms around each other." Misha directed us, I bit back a whimper, not wanting to have peoples arms around me. But I had to, just for today, and _for the rest of your life._ D*mn! "don't look so worried Tom, its okay, its only me." Danny whispered, hiding it in a kiss to my ear as his arms wound around my waist, pulling me close to his own body.

_Its an act, its an act, its an act! Don't think its real affection!_ The voice, and my own head, shouted as I automatically leant against him, letting him warm me up a bit._ Smile, don't look scared, you're getting caught on camera! _I forced a smile, trying not to lean back into Dannys warm arms even more, tangle our fingers together, or even hold his fingers. But I already felt so scared, just seeing these cameras, seeing the flashes, knowing these were going to be posted everywhere, so people could look at me and say everything bad about me, point out every single floor on my body. I was too skinny, my chin was huge, my hair was greasy and stupid, my eyes were too big and too brown, my dimple was too deep! Everything was wrong, and everyone could see it, literally everyone could see it, and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't even look away, I would get shouted at for looking away. Misha was already looking annoyed, I couldn't look away and make him angrier.

"stop shaking Tom, its okay. Just tell me if I'm too close, I'll back off a bit." Danny shuffled back a little, it felt like I was going to fall over without his support. "no, come closer, please." I whimpered, cursing myself for making that sound pathetic. But I needed to keep standing upright, act like I wasn't shaking in complete and utter fear, that we were still a couple, if Danny let me go, I was going to collapse! "sorry, I'm so sorry, but come closer, please." I whispered, feeling Dannys body practically plaster itself to my own, his arms tightening around my tiny waist, it almost hurt his arms were so tight. _You'll be punished for this later, making him touch your disgusting self, after you've broken up. Are you really that desperate for love you're now using being scared like a baby as an excuse? Great one, really, really, good one._

371 Dannys POV

I didn't know what was up with Tom, but whatever it was, it broke my heart. Poor Tom was shaking so much, literally quivering in my arms, like he was about to pass out again. He looked pale enough to pass out again. I felt so sorry for him, he didn't know where to look or what to do, he was surrounded by the things he hated the most, people, cameras, and us. I knew he hated us so much for 'having an affair' even though it wasn't true, and no matter what I said right now it wasn't going to help him. All I could do was hug Tom close to me, because he had asked for it, and hope it would help in some way.

It was a long first half of the photo shoot, all I could feel was Tom shaking, and hear tiny muffled sounds coming from his throat, like he was keeping in whimpers and tears. "shhh, shhh. It'll be over soon. No-ones going to say anything about you, you looked perfect." I whispered gently, needing to say something before he did break into tears. Tom was perfect, I wish he could see that he was so perfect, he didn't need to have these worries about his looks, he was perfect and worth the world. "right, I think we'll have a break now. I'm calling lunch break, we'll meet back here in about an hour for some solo shots." Misha thankfully called, I could almost feel Tom relax for a second, until the idea of lunch obviously hit his mind. "come on, you need something." I grabbed his hand before he ran off somewhere, pulling him behind me as I followed Harry and Dougie.

The three of us filled up our plates with food again, painfully reminding me of our first photoshoot again. Things hadn't changed much at all. Me and Tom weren't together, barely even talking to each other, the poor boy clearly in the middle of an internal battle, not even able to look at the food on offer to him. And all these cameras and people being around weren't helping, and probably it wasn't about to get better, when Misha called for Toms solo shots.

Sitting down at a table, we ate in relative silence, unlike the first photoshoot. Harry was fussing over Dougies suit in between mouthfuls, straightening his tie and smoothing out his jacket. Dougie just let him, knowing it was something he did when he was nervous, or trying not to worry about something. "you know, if you're hair was just a bit shorter, and you had eye liner on, you would exactly like you did on our wedding day." Harry commented, tucking a bit of fringe behind Dougies ear. He didn't have his headband on today, had it tied around his wrist, the mass of hair was now left to fall freely around Dougies face. Luckily, he had mostly tucked it behind his ears, so it was still possible for us to see his face. "you think?" Dougie smiled a bit, blushing a little.

"yep, bit of a trim, bit of eye liner, then, boom! 21 year old little Dougie on his wedding day all over again." Harry grinned, eyes shining with love. "thanks." Dougie blushed a little, leaning forward as Harry did, until they kissed gently. Jealousy shot through me like a lightning bolt, I wished that me and Tom were still together, so we could kiss like that, so I could hold Toms hand, and hug him, without having to worry whether or not it would freak him out. I could only hold him while we were on camera, and that was only because we had to, I hated it!


	189. Chapter 189

**FLOYNTERxxx - we'll have to wait and see! :P**

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372 Toms POV

Danny was looking at me weirdly all through lunch, like he was trying to figure something out, or trying to find a way to say something. It was freaking me out a little, I was paranoid over what he was thinking. _He's thinking about how much he hates you, and how he's going to survive holding you for a while longer._ I shuddered, not wanting to think about it.

Before I knew it, we were back in the studio_, more staring and evidence of you, oh what great joy!_ _Everyone is going to REALLY enjoy this!_ The sarcastic voice laughed, I shuddered again. "cold Tom?" Danny asked, rubbing my back. "no, I'm fine." I realised I was shaking again, I shoved my hands in my pockets before anyone noticed. "right, can I have Harry first?" Misha called, Harry gently kissed Dougies forehead gently and ran over. His shoot was quite quick, because he got into the swing of things quite quickly, leaning up against the wall in a cool way. Dougie was looking at him lovingly, grinning like a silly teenager all over again. It was quite sweet really, how he was still so in love with Harry that he still looked at him like that, I wished Danny would look at me like that. _Dougie looks like that because he loves Harry, because he does love him, and he loves Danny too. And you don't have anyone. _

Dannys arm suddenly came around my waist, tracing patterns over my hip. I leapt feet, keeping in a scream, trying desperately to not run away now. _Run before he realises that you're shaking! Run before he realises that you're disgusting_! But, I couldn't run... I had to stay, had to let him touch me, let them stare at me and take my picture again. "its okay Tom, it'll be over soon." Danny whispered, taking advantage of my inability to move properly by kissing my cheek. It burnt, but felt so good at the same time, I wanted so badly to feel loved by that movement. But, I couldn't, I wasn't in a relationship... I wasn't loved.

_Stay in his arms, you have to, but don't think you're loved, don't you even dare!_ "thanks Harry, Dougie next?" Misha called, Harry and Dougie swapped places, high fiving on the way. Dougies went just as quickly, and Dannys did too, leaving mine, I was glared at the second I stepped onto the studio. "now, think we can smile this time around?" Misha gave me such a filthy look, my shakes increased even more.

"y-yeah...sorry." I whimpered, not even knowing how to stand. I didn't know how to stand, where to look, what to do. Being completely on my own I didn't know what to do, I was exposed, for everyone to take a good look at me, I could feel everyones eyes on me. _They're judging you, looking at you, seeing how ugly you are._ "look this way Tom, you can't look at your feet. We need to see your face." Misha warned, I forced myself to look up. "smile too! We need you to smile its no good you looking like you want to cry!" Misha looked annoyed already, _great joy, you've already annoyed him. Just wait until the end of this. _

I wanted to runaway and hide somewhere, somewhere I couldn't be seen, couldn't be heard. I didn't like being here, in front of so many people, my legs felt like jelly, the rest of my body crawling and crying out for sharp things to ease the panic. I needed to ease this panic and fear of being told I was useless and ugly, that I was wasting everyones time here, and when the magazine came out for more people to tear me to bits. _They will anyway, you can't stop them. Just smile, but not too much, so that dimple isn't noticeable. You look stupid with it_. I tried my best to smile, without revealing the dimple too much, but the whole time, my head was screaming at me, telling me that I couldn't smile without looking like a freak! But Misha didn't stop taking pictures, giving me glares every time I looked away, or my smile dropped. So I had to carry on looking like a freak! I didn't want to look like a freak! I just wanted to crawl into a hole and make everyone forget I existed, so they didn't have to even think about my hideous face.

Finally, the shoot finished, and I ran off to the toilet, managing to make an excuse before cutting more lines into my thighs, feeling some sort of release from it. I hadn't listened to anyones praise, knowing they were just trying to keep me here, so they weren't found out, I knew I had completely failed that shoot. My photos were unusable, I had looked terrible in each and every one of them. And it was all my fault, for being like I was, for being pathetic and ugly, I just wished I wasn't so pathetic and ugly, was that too much to ask?

373 Dannys POV

I was so worried when Tom ran off, he had looked so upset, like he was about to start crying, I hoped he didn't start crying. I would have hated it if it turned out that Tom was crying and I did nothing to stop it from happening, because I would have probably made it worse. "he'll be fine Danny, just let Tom have a bit of a breather by himself, collect himself together again. He's not used to being on his own in front of a camera, its probably just nerves." Harry rubbed my shoulder gently, leading the three of us that were left into the dressing room. "I know, I'm just worried, like always." I sighed, fiddling with my fingers.

I wished I had managed to talk to Tom properly yesterday, instead of freaking him out until he passed out. If we had talked properly, then maybe I could have held him and made him feel better, instead of having him run away like he did, looking so scared, so upset, so desperate to get away. The poor guy needed someone to love him, tell him he was beautiful and that all the thoughts he had about himself were wrong. I was usually that person, but I couldn't now, because we weren't together, which was the worst feeling in the world.

"you're always worried Dan, but it'll be okay, trust me. Let Tom take a few minutes to himself, to collect himself together again." Dougie smiled a little nervously, like he didn't know if that was actually a good thing to say or not. He always doubted his ability to cheer people up, he was actually very good at it. "yeah, I know." I sighed, pulling off my jacket and shirt, changing into my tshirt and hoodie again, hiding my arm. I hadn't done anything recently, was still on my 9th clean week, I just didn't like seeing my arms, or leaving them open for other people to see.

We waited for a while for Tom, he eventually came back, changing silently in his own dressing room, wandering out to the car with us. He was literally silent, not making a single sound, shying away from being touched by any of us. "Tom, are you alright?" I asked, managing to put a hand on his shoulder. "yeah, fine." Tom nodded, shaking his hair down, hiding his face. A clear sign that he had been crying, the poor guy, I felt so sorry for him. "you sure? You can talk to me, I'll understand." I whispered, reaching down and holding his hand. "I can't, leave me alone." Tom took his hand out of mine and climbed into the front seat of the minivan, turning away from us all, shutting us out like usual. From what I could see of his face, he still looked so upset, I needed to at least cheer him up somehow.

"Tommy, put this on for us please." I handed Tommy my ipod, for him to plug into the stereo, soon hearing the Wicked soundtrack start to play. That usually cheered Tom up a bit, he loved the musical almost more than life itself, knew it word for word, and almost backwards too. Maybe this could work, if I couldn't try and talk to him...could this work instead? It certainly calmed him a little, I saw Tom visibly relax as Dancing Through Life played out through the car speakers. I breathed out a sigh of relief, at least I managed to get him a little more relaxed, which was something.


	190. Chapter 190

**FLOYNTERxxx - mwhahaha i have a plan to change it all round! :D**

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374 Harrys POV

The Wicked soundtrack played the whole way home, getting through the album twice, though none of us seemed to mind, because the music seemed to calm Tom down. He was so relaxed by the time the CD played once through, the least tense I had seen him in days, he always seemed to be on edge recently, like he was waiting for something to happen. But by the time we got home and piled out of the car, Tom was tense again, quickly grabbing his bag and running into his house, slamming the door.

"don't follow him, Toms had enough today, leave him be." I grabbed the back of Dannys collar before he started running towards Tom too. "but Tom needs me!" Danny whimpered, almost reaching towards the house shielding him from the love of his life. "yes, but he doesn't think he needs you at the moment. Let Carrie look after him." I sighed, sliding my arm around his waist before he got out of my original hold. "but I don't want to leave him." Danny grabbed onto my hand, squeezing my fingers. "we have to Danny, try and talk to him tomorrow instead, sort out this problem. Just, let him calm down today. I know I say it a lot, but leave him be for a while." I really wanted this over now, so Danny could comfort Tom on the tough days...which was every day.

"fine, just... I'm checking back later." Danny gave in, biting on his nails. "yeah, check back later, not now." I agreed, rubbing his hip gently, "now, I think its time we went home." I made my way back to our house, bringing Danny with us, holding onto Dougies hand too, feeling like I was the only one keeping us all standing. We all collapsed onto the sofa, Flea flopping onto my lap, laying half on Dannys too, while Dougie got out one of his reptiles to hold. Danny leant onto my shoulder, I put my arm around him, giving him some comfort, before he needed to get back up again, the need to see Tom getting too much.

Dougie leant on my other side, gently whispering to his lizard (I had a feeling this one was called Rex, as in T-Rex). I put my arm around him too, tracing patterns over his tattooed arm. "you guys think I have a shot at getting Tom to believe that I love him just by talking him?" Danny asked, holding onto my fingers, stroking Flea at the same time. It was almost a mechanical movement, like he didn't know he was doing it, he was doing it as an automatic function. "yeah, its just trying to put together the right words at the right time. So he does believe you, and realises the truth." I nodded, I was sure Danny could manage to say the right words. When it came to Tom, he was good with saying the right thing usually. It was like he had a sixth sense, which knew exactly what to say to him, to calm him down, or cheer him up, or anything like that.

"yeah, he'll believe you, you just have to find the right way to do it, in a way he'll understand." Dougie looked up from Rex. "yeah, maybe. But how? Tom doesn't seem to understand, or just can't stay calm enough to have a chance of understanding what I'm saying to him. He only understands and listens to Carrie. But she can't even make him realise that we aren't having an affair." Danny sighed, still stroking Flea mechanically.

375 Dougies POV

"we'll find a way Danny, there'll be a way to make Tom understand that we love him, that you still love him." I smiled reassuringly; sure we could think of something. We may be dumb at most things, but we knew each other inside out and upside down, knew everything about each other, we could work something out. I explained this, and it seemed to reassure Danny a little. "you keep on saying you're awful at cheering people up, but you're actually quite good Doug." Danny smiled, ruffling my messy hair. "I'm not, I just think of cr*p and say it." I blushed, feeling awkward now. "yeah, and it works. Told you that you were clever." Harry smiled, kissing my hair, lovingly fixing my hair so it wasn't resembling a birds nest.

"thanks." I mumbled, hiding my face in Harrys arms, pretending that I wasn't embarrassed now. The boys laughed a bit, hugging me, bring me into the middle of their huddle when Flea jumped off their laps. "Doug, you're giving me a few ideas, thanks." Danny smiled, squeezing me. "don't mention it. I hate seeing you two not together. Its worse than seeing you skipping around each other before you told each other about your feelings." I didn't mention last year, thinking it was probably best.

"we weren't that bad Doug, don't over exaggerate...that is the right word, isn't it?" Danny laughed, blushing a little nervously. "you were, so bad, the looks were enough to make us want to smack your heads together!" I laughed, feeling Harrys hands moving under my baggy grey jumper, his fingers stroking patterns on my stomach as I thought back to so many years ago, when it was so clear even then that Tom and Danny loved each other so much.

_Flashback April 5th 2005_

_Me and Harry stumbled downstairs, the drummer carrying me on his back playfully, after picking me up and chucking me over his shoulder while I had been trying to put on some eyeliner. "Harry! Put me down! Put me down now!" I shouted, kicking and punching him, though not very hard, not wanting to actually hurt him. "never!" Harry laughed, taking me into the front room. "please! Put me down! I hate you!" I squealed as I got spun round, writhing about in hysterical giggles. "no you don't!" Harry smiled I think, heaving me further onto his shoulder. "I do when you do this to me!" I shouted again, almost screaming at the sudden movements. _

_"shhh! They're sleeping!" Harry shh'd me suddenly, pulling me off his shoulder, still holding me, but in a way so I could look round at the sofa. "aw." I smiled, looking at Tom and Danny. They were laying on the sofa together, fast asleep. Dannys arms were wrapped around Toms body, his blonde head tucked under Dannys chin, holding onto his shoulders, their legs tangled together. They looked like a couple, a proper couple, I wished they were a couple, they were always holding each other and holding hands, I swear I had seen Danny kiss Tom a few times on stage too. In my opinion they were made for each other, fitting perfectly together, always together, now if only they were only together in the couple sense, not a best friend sense. _

_Flashback end_


	191. Chapter 191

**FLOYNTERxxx - thanks! i like adding in flashbacks to show how everything was going before all of this happened, and why i'm working on some more SA's from the past in this! :)**

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376 Dannys POV

Eventually, I went back to my own house, leaving Harry and Dougie to cuddle by themselves, they seemed to be in a coupley happy mood today. I was happy for them, at least two of us were in love and happy right now. I missed Tom so much right now, missed having his hand in mine, his body heat radiating onto me, the actual fact I had someone to talk to when he was around. He may not have replied all the time, and Tom may not have really given me a proper conversation without me worrying about him, but, at least I could talk to him, look at him, and be with him.

Maybe I could go and see how he was now, I could do that, couldn't I? Yeah, I could probably go and do that, it wouldn't be too bad, right? Just to turn up and see how things were going over at Toms, he was upset earlier, it wouldn't be too weird. So I diverted to Toms house, knocking on the door and waiting for Carrie to open. "hi, er, I was wondering, can I see Tom? Is he alright, he was pretty upset earlier." I asked as Carrie opened the door. "he's fine, upstairs in his room last time I checked, he's song writing so I wouldn't bother trying to disturb him if you want to keep all your limbs." Carrie joked a bit, smiling exactly like Tom did when he made a funny joke.

"oh, okay. Probably not best to see him then. Is he okay? Has he cheered up at all?" I chewed on my nails, I seemed to ask that question a lot, but I couldn't help it, it was Tom. I had to ask about Toms wellbeing constantly. If I couldn't be there to know what was going on with him, then I needed to ask someone who knew. Carrie was the only one who knew what was going on with him at night, I had to ask her, just to stay at least a little sane.

"yeah, bit down, got him talking a little about it. Which is a start. But I thought it was better if he got it out in a song it would be more therapeutic for him." Carrie explained, she knew her brother so well, I was glad. Without her, we would be at a total loss. "good thinking. Oh, by the way, I've had a bit of an idea on how to get him to believing that I love him, so I don't suppose that you could send Tom round tomorrow? So I can try again at sorting this out and turning things back to normal." I smiled a little, getting melodies starting to form inside my head already.

"yeah sure, I'll send him over as soon as you need him. Whats the excuse I'm using?" Carrie leant against the door. "say we're song writing, and I want to write with him for a while." I answered, hoping to god this plan worked, I didn't want to have another day of not having Tom in bed with me, him apparently hating my guts because of a stupid mistake.

"alright, I'll send him over. Oh by the way, do you want me to send him over after having taken his medication or not? It might help keep him from flying off the deep end if it doesn't work." Carrie had a point there, should we let him over without it or not? "er, better make him take it, just in case. I don't want another pass out on my hands." I sighed, not really wanting to see Toms face as he panicked and freaked out. I didn't want to have to think about it. I would have hated it if he freaked out and passed out again, it was so painful to see.

377 Toms POV

I tried to be perfect

But nothing was worth it

I don't believe it makes me real

I thought it'd be easy

But no one believes me

I meant all the things I said

If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own

I sighed, that was all I had so far, I quite liked it to be honest, it perfectly expressed my emotions right now. I felt so, so low right now, almost rock bottom, all because of that shoot. It brought so many worries back, so many thoughts about myself, remembering how ugly I was. _Remembering? How did you forget?_ I didn't exactly forget exactly, I just, had had other things on my mind, so I wasn't thinking about how I looked. _What, like the fact that Danny has left you, without even telling you? Just went off and had an affair?_ Yes, that, thank you voice inside my head for reminding me of the worst night of my life. _Don't mention it. _

I shoved it to the back of my mind, paying more attention to my song, trying to mould it perfectly, not that anyone was going to see it. I was never showing anyone any of my songs ever again, I didn't want anyone to see them. They would laugh at them, say they were unusable and too depressing to even be shown again. Also, these were my private emotions, I didn't want anyone looking through my lyric book, it had everything in there, all my songs, most of my drawings. The rest were on my sketch pad, each one more depressing and stupid than the last, all reminding me of the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend anymore, and all my attempts to be better weren't worth it.

This place is so empty

My thoughts are so tempting

I don't know how it got so bad

Sometimes it's so crazy

That nothing can save me

But it's the only thing that I have

If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own

On my own

whoa, all of a sudden, I had another bit written, it didn't even seem like I was writing anymore, it was just flowing out of me, getting rid of all this horrid pain. My chest was currently cracked open, my heart falling out, beating almost painfully whenever I saw Danny, Harry and Dougie. Knowing that all their words, all their hugs, everything, was a lie, it hurt so much I could have screamed. I was in so much pain, so, so much pain. Knowing they were out there, probably having sex right now, or at least with each other, laughing, joking, not even giving a care in the world that they had destroyed me. I knew none of them cared, why would they? It wasn't like I was actually wanted around here, I should have just gone, but the likelihood of me getting out of here was actually nil right now. _You should still go_. I know, but I couldn't. I had to stay, so they wouldn't be found out. And, I sort of liked playing shows, and staying in my house, with Carries company.

"hey, I thought I would come up, see how you are." Speak of the devil, Carrie turned up, sitting down next to me. "I'm fine." I whispered, realising my voice was quite croaky right now. "good, hows the song going?" she asked, nodding to my lyric book. "alright, almost done." I scribbled down the last bit, finishing the song. Feeling a little better because of it. Carrie went through the normal questions, was I feeling better, was I going to show her it, did I want to go and hang out with her now? The answer to the last two were no, as usual. I didn't want to show her this, it was my little thing, that I didn't want to show anyone else, didn't want them to worry about me. I was fine, just needed to get my feelings out through songs, drawing and cuts.

My legs were currently burning, so much of them had been cut up, I was running out of plasters now, but I still wanted to cut more. I always did, I never wanted to stop. _So you can get away from this world, you shouldn't be here._ "Danny wants you to come round tomorrow by the way. He's doing some writing of his own and he wants to do some with you." Carrie suddenly came out with, putting her hand on my knee for some reason. "he does? Oh, okay." I sighed, I didn't want to go round, looked like I had to though. "it'll be fun, you never know what could happen." Carrie smiled, but I didn't want to believe her.

I tried to be perfect

It just wasn't worth it

Nothing could ever be so wrong

It's hard to believe me

It never gets easy

I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own

**the song is Pieces - Sum 41 :)**


	192. Chapter 192

378 Dannys POV

I was writing long into the night, desperate to let Tom know just how much he meant to me. I wanted to make him know that I wasn't going to let him go, that I was there, right behind him, all the way. I wasn't going to let him fall and crash, he was staying upright, and I was going hold him up if he needed it. In the end, I was up until 3am, getting back up at eight, making sure I had enough time to get everything ready before Tom arrived.

I spent over two hours cleaning up the whole house, making sure it was spotless, that there wasn't a speck of dust, or thing out of place. Tom never really minded mess, that was Harrys thing, but I wanted to make sure the house looked nice, so I looked like a better person. In Toms mind I probably looked like a horrible person, a cheater, a liar. I wanted to change that round again, make him realise that I was a nice person, that loved him so much.

It took me so long to then sort out what I wanted to wear, did I wear a suit to look smart? Or jeans and tshirt so Tom wasn't put on edge straight away. Maybe jeans with a casual shirt, and a blazer? Could that work? And did I wear my shoes, even though we weren't going out? Or would he run? Oh I didn't know! I hadn't had this kind of problem since our first date all those years ago!

_Flashback April 20th 2007_

_I ran back and forth in my bedroom, trying desperately to find a decent outfit to wear. It was our first date, the most important date. We may have known each other for years, but I still wanted to make a good first impression as a boyfriend, that I could be sensible and loving. 'First Date' by Blink 182 starting playing on my iPod dock, oh my GOD this was not happening! Just rub it in that I was so nervous and didn't know what I was doing. _

_I hadn't really been on dates before, I didn't really have any proper relationships before this, I had no idea what to do! Tom was going to laugh at me at this rate, I was going to look ridiculous and inexperienced. Tom had probably had been on so many formal things, so he knew what he was doing, he was probably so cool right now. This was not normal! Suddenly, my phone buzzed, I picked it up, a text from Tom. The worst ran through my mind, he wasn't cancelling, was he? 'I'll be over in a few minutes, hope you're ready! X' Tom had written, it wasn't 7.30 already was it? It was! D*mn! D*mn! D*mn! I was nowhere near ready, still standing here in my boxers, my bedroom covered in my clothes, my hair looking a complete mess! Panic set in, but why was I worrying? This was Tom, he knew me! But, he couldn't think that I was going to be an awful boyfriend! _

_The doorbell rang and I almost screamed, scrambling to open the door, finding Tom standing there. His eyes widened a little when he saw my state of dress, but they soon recovered. He looked beautiful, dressed in his red skinny jeans, a shirt, tie, and a blazer, his faithful Converse on his feet. His blonde hair was styled high and spiky like usual, bright and blonde, I wanted to faint. "I-I'm sorry, I was trying to decide what to wear and it just fell to pieces. I didn't realise the time, I started this two hours ago and I'm still only in my boxers and you look so beautiful. You probably think I'm a complete tw*t, please don't think that if we start dating properly it will be like this! Its just nerves-" I babbled, being cut off by Tom kissing me. _

_"its okay, you're being yourself. Its a first date, I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. So stop worrying will you, before you start shaking!" Tom offered as explanation, thank god he was so kind and understanding. "erm, I kinda already am." I blushed, realising that my hands were shaking. "aw, look, do you want to take the pressure off and just order a pizza and watch a movie here?" Tom made me sigh in relief. "you sure? Cause, its our first date, can't be too like normal, can it?" I asked, wanting him so badly to say he wanted to stay here. "Dan, on Harry and Dougies first date, they spent the evening playing videos games, and beating the hell out of each other. I think we'll be fine." Tom smiled a breath taking smile, failing to mention that they hadn't been able to go out because Dougie was too young to get in anywhere apart from the cinema. "alright, come in, make yourself comfy, I'll get dressed." I let Tom in properly, breathing out a deep breath, feeling like this could actually go alright. _

_Flashback end _

I eventually decided on a pair of skinny jeans, a casual shirt and a blazer, trying to look casual, but quite smart too. I even styled my hair properly, so it wasn't fluffy or frizzy, or looking stupid. Now all I could do was wait, and hope to god Tom liked it, and believed me, and stayed long enough to let me get through this!

379 Toms POV

I must have spent two hours making myself look normal, not like I had been crying most of the night, that I wasn't disgusting and hated, or that it at least didn't bother me. "Tom! Are you ready yet?" Carrie called, making me jump. "yeah, give me a few minutes!" I shouted back, finishing fixing my hair, pulling on my boots before running downstairs.

Carrie met me downstairs, smiling nervously, why was she looking like that? "now, before you go out, take this, please." Carrie handed me a bottle of water and a pill. I sighed, not wanting to take medication, but, I guessed I had to. _Because you're a freak_. Quickly, I swallowed it and the water, thanking my lucky stars that Carrie didn't check if I swallowed it or not. "right, time for you to get moving, Dannys waiting for you! See you later, good luck!" Carrie hugged me and almost pushed me out of the door.

I trudged down the road, not really wanting to go out, but having to anyway, reaching Dannys house with a whimper. My arms started crawling as I knocked on the door, every single nerve in my body telling me to run away now and hide, to not do this, because it was going to end up with me in so much pain. I really didn't want to be here anymore, and I hadn't even gotten inside the house yet! Inside, I had a feeling that this wasn't going to be a day of song writing, I had a feeling that we were going to be 'talking' again, and it wasn't going to stop, not until I believed that Danny loved me. Why was everyone so desperate for me to be in a 'relationship' with Danny? Clearly neither of us wanted to be in it, why did everyone want me to be in one with him? I didn't get it. Probably never would either.

"hey! Thanks for coming over! Come in!" Danny grinned nervously, I shuffled inside, noticing that it was almost unnaturally tidy in here. And that Danny was dressed quite smartly for a song writing day, usually the dress code was tracksuit bottoms and pyjamas, oh god, what was he up to?! "don't just stand there! Sit down, make yourself comfy!" Danny sounded so jumpy, practically pushing me down on the sofa, I slid to the floor, not feeling comfortable on a sofa. _Because you shouldn't sit on sofas. Especially not your exboyfriends, who's clearly up to something. _He was defiantly up to something, he was too jumpy to be innocent.

_He's making you believe you're loved again. Don't believe a word he says_. I wasn't going to, I never would. "now, I need to talk to you Tom first, because we do need to talk. Don't run, please, don't run." Danny spoke up, pushing me down as I started getting up. "there's nothing to talk about. Just songs." I stood my ground, putting up the mental walls that hopefully blocked out emotions. "no, please, just listen to me. I'm begging you." Danny pleaded, holding onto my chin, making me face him. _Get his hand off that thing you call a chin now!_

I shoved his hand off, making to get up. "no! Please, Tommy, stay!" Danny grabbed me back again. "if you're just going to talk to me, then let me go home. I don't want to hear it." I growled, shoving his hands off. "okay, okay, we'll just do some song writing instead then." Danny thankfully gave up, "I have a song, if you want to hear it." He continued, not making another move to touch me. "fine, play it." I sighed, holding onto my knees, looking at my shoes. "thank you. Its inspired by you, by the way." Danny managed a smile, grabbing his acoustic guitar, starting to play.

When you're falling, you're crashing

When your fire has turned to ashes

When you're screaming, your heart is bleeding

When you're feeling like there's no reason

I won't let you go

No, I won't let you go

Cause when you're all alone

And there's cold

And there's no one to hold

When you're feeling lost

And there's no where, no where to go

When you're feeling sad don't forget you can reach for my hand

When you're feeling bad, just remember

I won't let you go

I won't let you go (won't let you go)

I won't let you go (won't let you go)

When you're torn down

When you're messed up

Don't you give in, no don't you give up

When you're drowning and you're fading

Always know that I'm always waiting

And I won't let you go

No, I won't let you go

When you're all alone

And there's cold

And there's no one to hold

When you're feeling lost

And there's no where, no where to go

When you're feeling sad don't forget you can reach for my hand

When you're feeling bad, just remember

I won't let you go

I won't let you go (won't let you go)

I won't let you go (won't let you go)

Remember

Remember

Remember

When I said forever

I know that I meant forever

And I won't let you down

I can always be found

I'll be always around.

When you're all alone

And there's cold

And there's no one to hold

When you're feeling lost

And there's no where (no where!)

When you're feeling sad don't forget you can reach for my hand

When you're feeling bad, just remember

I won't let you go (la da di da ra da ra da…)

I won't let you go (la da di da ra da ra da…)

I won't let you go (la da di da ra da ra da…)

I won't let you go…

Half way through, I wanted to cry, and by the end I was in tears. In actual tears, this couldn't be happening! That was not written about me! Danny did not want to not let me go! He was not in love with me! He did not want to protect me! "no, no! Don't, just shut up!" I cried, standing up, needing to get out of here! "Tommy, please, I love you, I honestly do! That song was about you, I swear, because I want to protect you. I want to be the one you love, the one I can look after. I said forever, I meant it." Danny stood up too, putting down his guitar, reaching for me. _Don't trust him! You can't trust him! Its a pure lie!_"no! Its not possible! You can't! I'm worthless, and you're perfect, this can't be true!" I shouted, running out the house, running down the road. Away from Danny and his lies, away from the song! But it was stuck in my head! _Its not true, he's lying! _

I burst through the front door, running as fast as possible past Carrie, slamming the door to my bedroom, locking myself in before Danny or Carrie got to me._ Its all a lie, a pure lie! You are not loved, the song is not true, its all a lie! You can't be loved! You're worthless you are not able to be loved! _But why was is getting harder and harder to believe that?! Why was this so hard to believe?!

My head exploded with emotion, making me feel like I was going to explode. Everything was closing in on me, crushing me. I scrambled for my razor blade, needing to feel everything go away and fade into blackness. Before I knew it, I was on the floor, digging the razor as far as possible into my arm. _Dig deeper, go on, dig deeper_. I did, digging in as deep as possible, feeling myself relax, the emotions flowing out of me as darkness fell over me, just as the door opened.


	193. Chapter 193

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - all will be revealed soon! :)**

**FLOYNTERxxx - damn i forgot to put the name in again *facepalm* its called I Won't Let You Go by Avril Lavigne! :) **

380 Harrys POV

I curled up closer to Dougie, watching his sleeping face. He looked so sweet and little in his sleep, so innocent. I wished he could stay like this forever, so he wasn't affected by Tom and Dannys problems, he was so upset by what was going on. If I could have, I would have made him sleep through this whole thing, so he didn't have to worry about it, so he wouldn't have the memories of seeing his friends so scared, in so much pain.

We must have been huddled together for hours, until my mobile rung. Dannys name flashed on screen, Bruce Springsteens 'Born To Run' blaring out of the small device. "Harry, turn that off. I'm sleepy." Dougie whined, putting the pillow over his head. "sorry Dougs, I'll answer it, go back to sleep." I grabbed the phone, hoping that this was good news, not more bad news. "gladly." Dougie mumbled. "hello? Whats up Danny?" I yawned, answered the phone, immediately hearing the sound of crying.

"H-Harry, you need to come over!" Danny whimpered, his voice shaking. "whats happened Dan? Did the plan not go well?" I asked, trying to keep calm, hearing Dougie whimper under his pillow mound. "n-no, not good. T-theres so much blood, s-so much. I-Its all my fault!" Danny stuttered, he was clearly shaking, I felt myself pale, shaking Dougie awake. "blood? Danny, what happened? Where are you?" I asked, hearing noises in the background sounding like a car or something.

"oh give me the phone!" there was a scramble, before Carrie started talking. "look, its Tom. We're in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Tom didn't exactly act well to Dannys song, he ran home and he fell to pieces. We couldn't get in to stop him before it was too late, hes cut, bad. Hes passed out at the moment, but theres doctors working on him. So can you come down to the hospital?" Carrie explained through tears, managing to hold it together better than Danny did.

"yeah, yeah we'll be down there soon." I sighed, hanging up, not sure why I wasn't surprised by this. "I-Its bad, isn't it?" Dougie whimpered, his little eyes as wide as possible, his cute little face looking so scared. This was the reason why I wanted to keep him asleep until Tom and Danny were better, so he didn't look like this, it was heart breaking. "yeah, its bad. We've got to go to the hospital, I'm sorry Dougs." I couldn't lie to him, hugging him close as he fell into my arms, barely keeping in tears.

381 Dougies POV

"I'm sorry Dougs, I really am. Look, do you want to stay at home? So you don't have to see anything, it could be easier on you." Harry suggested, rubbing my back gently. "no, I need to go. I'll go crazy here." I shook my head, I couldn't stay here, I would drive myself mad with worry if I was on my own, without anything to distract me. "alright, now come on, better get ready and go out." Harry kissed my hair, carrying me to the bathroom, like he knew I didn't want to be left on my own in any sense.

We got ready in silence, driving in silence too, the only sound in the car being the playlist Harry had put on. It was filled the songs that made me smile, the ones that helped me cheer up when I felt down, including the theme tunes to Jurassic Park and Star Wars, some ACDC and Aerosmith songs and a whole load of others. It helped a bit, but what really helped was having Harrys hand in mine, his fingers squeezing mine, so I knew he was there for me, always.

Arriving at the hospital, we had to run through a few corridors to find A&E. We found Danny and Carrie sitting in the waiting room, Danny had his face pressed into his hands, his shoulders shaking badly. Carrie was hugging him gently, trying to calm the poor guy down, even though she looked so scared too. Danny must have sensed us coming up, he looked up at us, and burst into tears. I hugged him, feeling his arms wrap around me, almost scratching me through my hoodie it was such a tight grip. "shhh, Dan, can you explain what happened? Whats gone on?" I asked gently, rubbing his back awkwardly, not really knowing what to do.

"I-I played him the song, and he ran! He just ran home! A-and he got hold of a razor, a-and its bad!" Danny cried, whimpering loudly, shaking madly. "oh Dan, it'll be alright. The doctors will stitch Tom up, and they'll give him some more blood, and it'll be fine." Harry sighed, crouching down next to us. "h-how do you know that?" Danny whispered, he looked so scared. "because I do. This is Tom we're on about here, he's a fighter, he'll be alright in a while. Do you know anything about whats going on?" Harry explained, looking to Carrie, who was probably the one who had been able to listen. "they're just patching him up, I don't know anything else." Carrie sighed, sniffing and wiping her eyes, smudging her make up.

We waited a while longer, just trying to stop Danny crying, when finally a nurse came in. "you're Thomas's friends and family, right?" she asked, we nodded. "is he okay?" Danny whispered first, standing up, wobbling a bit. "yes and no. We've managed to patch him up, and we're currently giving him some blood now. The cuts were deep, and we don't know if there's been any lasting damage, there shouldn't be, but we can't be sure until Thomas is awake." The nurse explained, giving us a well practised sincere look. "but Toms going to okay, right?" Danny asked, managing to somehow hold onto the four of us.

"probably. We'll have to wait and see if he's done any real damage to his arm, because he did dig in quite deep with that razor. Do you want to see him?" the nurse explained, leading us to Toms room when we eagerly told her that we did.


	194. Chapter 194

**FLOYNTERxxx - erm, if i remember rightly, things look up a little bit for a little while soon :)**

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382 Dannys POV

"you must be quiet when we go in, Thomas is resting, he may be unconscious, but he still must not be subjected to loud noises, alright?" the nurse warned, reaching the door. "yeah, sure, we'll be dead quiet!" Dougie piped up first, I wished he hadn't used the word dead. It conjured up too many images of graves with Toms name on.

Slowly, the door opened, revealing a crystal white room, filled with only the sound of a heart beat monitor. The bed was in the middle of the room, also crystal white, just like Tom. He looked awful, skin as white as the sheets, his hair falling lifelessly over his face. His body looked so small on the bed, like putting a baby in a king size adult bed, the covers falling over his tiny chest, that was almost heaving for breath. And even though he looked awful, I still thought he looked like the most beautiful man on the planet.

"oh Tommy!" I gasped, completely lost for words, because, how could someone looking so ill be still so beautiful, surrounded by all these ugly machines? Or was I just in shock or something? It wasn't normal for someone to call someone else beautiful in this situation, was it? Carefully, I stepped closer, wanting to look at his face, check for myself that Tom was alright. Slowly, my fingers touched his face, feeling his soft skin under my finger tips, looking so pale next to my freckles. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." I whispered, this was all my fault. If I had just caught Tom before he ran off, or said something different so he didn't react like this, this wouldn't have happened. I thought I was doing something good, trying to get him to realise that I loved him, so he didn't do things like this. Guess it backfired majorly.

"when will he wake up?" Harry asked, somewhere behind me. There was a whimpering too, but it was muffled, I guessed it was Dougie, pressing his face into his husbands chest so he didn't have to look at this. "soon, I think. Its hard to tell. But when he does wake up, I must warn you, Thomas might be a bit...different. losing a lot of blood can sometimes effect the brain for a while, so Thomas might be a bit strange at first. But, he'll be back to normal soon enough." The nurse left the room by the sounds of things after that, sending my mind into overdrive. Tom was already different, how much more different could he get?! Was it bad I hoped he would return to normal, just to have a normal Tom who wasn't so depressed, even for a few minutes, would have been the greatest thing I had ever experienced. I missed him so much, not just having him there, but I missed his laugh, and his smile, the dimple that would poke into his cheek when he smiled. I missed his jokes, and the way he cuddled up to me at night and told me about his dreams and his random thoughts. Generally, I missed him, everything about him, would we have him back, even just for a little while? Or would we get an even more messed up Tom, one who was even worse mentally than the one we had now? I wouldn't be able to cope knowing I had made him even worse, even for a little while. It was bad enough knowing I had made Tom cut this deeply, after so many weeks of hard work to stop him, to know I had messed up his head too...the thought was unbearable.

I must have sat there for hours, on the side of Toms bed, watching his unmoving face, running my fingers over his cheek gently, trying to plead him inside my mind to wake up. The tension was torture, I wanted to know if he was okay! Tom had to be okay, he couldn't be different, he couldn't wake up worse off than before! He had to wake up and be Tom! Normal Tom! The Tom I loved so much, or at the very least, the troubled Tom I had had this past year! He had to be okay, this was Tom, he had to be okay.

383 Toms POV

My head exploded painfully, I groaned in pain. "Tommy? Tommy are you waking up?" a Bolton accented voice sounded, fingers warming up my cheek. "hurts!" I whined, dragging the word out, lifting my hand up to cover my eyes. There was something scratchy on it too, it was all itchy, what the hell? "what hurts baby? Does your arm hurt?" the voice I recognised as Danny asked frantically, the hand on my cheek staying there. "itchy." I replied, the itchy thing on my arm really starting to bug me. It was scratching my arm, and now my head! I whined again, not sure what the hell was going on.

"whats itchy? Whats hurting? I can't help unless you tell me!" Danny sounded worried, it barely even registered, my head was pounding and this scratchy thing was annoying! I just whined again. "alright, stay here baby, I'll get someone to sort out whatevers wrong, don't worry. Just stay here!" Dannys warm hand disappeared, footsteps running off. I whimpered and moved around on the bed, not liking the feeling of the itchy thing, or the thing on top of my body, it felt scratchy too, and really stiff, but it still moved with me. "shhh, don't worry Tom, calm down. You're safe, stop struggling." Someone else whispered, this time it female...Carrie maybe?

Finally opening my eyes I saw it was Carrie, smiling down at me, her hand resting on my stomach, almost like she was holding me down. "itchy!" I whimpered again, until finally someone turned up. They were tall, very tall, and skinny, was that black hair too? "Thomas, look at me, I need to ask you a few questions and do a few tests." He brought my face to look up, shining a light into my eyes, holding my face still so I couldn't look away from the light that made my head explode like an atom bomb. "don't struggle, it won't take a minute." The man took the light away, before pointing it back into my eyes.

"ow!" I cried out, pushing on his arm, trying to look away until he finally took the bright light away. "shhh Tommy, shhh, let him do his tests." Dannys voice sounded again, further down the bed, his hand on my leg. "Thomas, lift your arm for me. I need you to lift your arm for me." The man ordered, holding onto my arm, the itchy one. "itchy! So itchy!" I writhed, needing to stop the itchy feeling, it got worse as the hand held onto my arm. "itchy? Its the bandage Thomas, now can you lift your arm please? I'll let you go if you lift your arm and move your fingers." The man ordered, I lifted it, my fingers fisting as my arm prickled horribly.

"good, good, very good Thomas. Now what day is it?" the man asked, putting my arm back on the bed. "don't call him Thomas, call him Tom, he'll respond better." Danny said, his hand staying on my leg. "okay, Tom, what day is it?" the man asked again. I whined loudly again, wanting to be left alone, not wanting all this stuff around me, I wanted the itching and the hurting inside my head go away. "not making proper words. Tom, can you speak? Say something, anything at all." The man ordered, the sounds of whimpers around the room echoing.

"itchy! So itchy and hurting!" I whimpered, kicking out, trying to get the restricting blanket off so I could move! "can talk, but doesn't answer correctly. Okay, I'll leave you alone. Can you guys come here a minute? I need to talk to the four of you." The man walked off and the rest of the hands on me went away, leaving me alone to move around in the bed, whining and whimpering helplessly.


	195. Chapter 195

**FLOYNTERxxx - hmm he could be quite different! :P**

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384 Harrys POV

"I don't know exactly whats wrong with him at the moment, I think I need to do a full evaluation later on when he's a bit more lucid." The doctor, whose name tag read Benedict Cumberbatch, explained. I don't think I had seen Danny pale so quickly in my life. "he's going to be okay though, right?" Danny whimpered, reaching out for my shirt, his hand twisting in to it. "probably, and if not, I can probably come up with some way to fix the problem. But I'll have to wait until he's a bit more awake later on." He carried on, Dougie pushed his face further into my chest, having not even looked up since Tom woke up.

Looking over at Tom, he was still whimpering, helplessly shuffling around under his duvet, whining the words 'itchy' and 'hurts' over and over. It was scary, to see how much Tom had changed again, when the nurse had said that Tom would change, I hadn't expected this. I hadn't expected him to be so...weird. Seeing him almost writhe under his duvet, so distressed, but it was weak, dulled, like there was something stopping him from freaking out.

"I'll leave you to stay with him, he's a little groggy, so he'll wake up a bit in a few hours. Call if you need anything, there's always someone around that will be able to help." The doctor smiled, and walked out, leaving us to shuffle back to Toms bed. "hey, Tommy, its okay. We're back, we're here now." Danny whispered, stroking Toms hair, managing to calm him a little. He was still struggling a little, whining quietly. "shhh baby, shhh. Is the duvet too tight for you?" Danny asked, pulling on the thin covers so there were looser round Toms body. Tom calmed a bit more, but kept his eyes tight shut.

"Tommy, can you open your eyes?" Danny whispered, his hand resting on Toms cheek gently. "too bright!" Tom whined again, his hands covering his eyes. "I'll go close the blinds then." I went to move, but Dougie stopped me, keeping his hands on me, not letting me move. "Dougs, let me close the blinds. I won't let you go." I said quietly in his ear, rubbing his back. "no." Dougie whimpered, gripping harder on my shoulder. "alright, come here." I picked Dougie up, carrying him to the window, not getting annoyed, knowing that Dougie was getting so scared and upset. He was hating being here, I couldn't blame him, I was getting scared, god knows how sensitive little Dougie was taking this.

"do you need a break or something Doug? Is this is getting too much?" I whispered gently in his ear. "n-no, I'm fine." Dougie shook his head, painfully yanking on my hair as his hands tangled in it. "sure? We can leave for a few minutes. No-one will mind." I ignored the pain in my head, needing a break myself. "can we?" Dougie looked hopeful. "of course, Danny and Carrie have this covered for a few minutes." I took Dougie outside, where he burst into tears.

385 Dougies POV

The minute Harry had carried me outside, far enough that Toms distressed whimpers were silent, I started crying, unable to help it. Toms state had declined so far, I hadn't thought he would have been like this, I didn't even know how to describe what Tom was like right now. He was just... really ill now. By the looks of things, Tom couldn't figure out things, couldn't do things by himself. Normally he would have been able to move his own duvet, but now it seemed like he couldn't even do that.

"shhh Doug, don't cry." Harry whispered, squeezing me in his arms, carrying me so I didn't fall to the ground because of my shaking legs. "but he's so different and ill!" I cried, hugging him close. "but he'll get better. Toms only woken up half an hour ago, he's still a little groggy, and he is still being given blood, once he's woken up and he's been given all the blood he needs, he'll be better. Maybe not as responsive as normal, but, he'll be better than he is now." Harry explained, rocking us a bit. "this shouldn't have happened! This isn't supposed to happen! Toms supposed to be getting better! Not worse!" I yanked probably painfully on Harrys hair, but I couldn't help it, I needed to hold something, before the world completely tilted on its side.

Tom was our leader, he was supposed to be the strongest one out of the four of us. He always knew what to do in the toughest of situations, he _couldn't _be like this! We needed Tom, so much, and not just because he was our leader, because he was our best friend, because he needed to be okay, he needed to be strong, laughing, happy Tom. "I know, I know. And he will, the doctor will look at him a little better later, when he's less groggy, and can give him help if he needs it." Harry sighed, rubbing my back gently.

I stayed quiet, crying helplessly into Harrys shoulder, gripping onto any part of Harry to feel better. "shhh, baby, shhh. Its alright, its going to be okay. Toms going to be okay. He just needs some blood, and to wake up a bit, he'll be fine then." Harry whispered, kissing just behind my ear, just on the spot that calmed me. "w-what if he's not fine then?" I whimpered, not even wanting to think about it. "then the doctor will give us some medication or something to help him. And if he stays like this, it won't be too hard to look after him. We're managing pretty well right now, aren't we?" Harry answered. "but thats because we're in a hospital! If we weren't then we wouldn't be managing!" I didn't even know what I was saying now, I was just crying and saying useless things.

I cried for hours, or at least it felt like it, held in Harrys safe arms, even as he had to sit down, the strength he needed to carry me waning as time passed. "its going to be okay Dougs, don't worry, it'll be okay eventually. We'll make Tom better, I'm sure, we'll make Tom better somehow." Harry whispered, rubbing my back, keeping me from hyperventilating. And he kept on whispering that to me, all the time, calming me down, giving me that sense that somehow we could help Tom get better, or at least more like what he was like before.


	196. Chapter 196

**FLOYNTERxxx - haha! i love to put in other actors/musicians that i like, and i'm a proud part of the Cumbercollective so i thought why not? xD**

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386 Dannys POV

I stayed with Tom for hours, praying for him to wake up more, become more aware of the things around him. But I didn't want him to realise where he was at the same time, I knew how much Tom hated hospitals, I didn't want him to freak out because he was in one again. All I wanted was for Tom to wake up more, so he was easier to talk to. I couldn't get answers out of him right now, he was too out of it, too concerned with the bandage on his arm, because it was itchy.

"itchy!" Tom said, scratching his arm, trying to pull the bandage off. "no Tommy, don't pull it off. You mustn't pull the bandage off, it must stay on your arm." I grabbed his hands, trying to be gentle with him. "so itchy though!" Tom pouted, fighting my hands weakly. At least his speech was improving a little, we were getting closer to normal sentences. "I know, but you must keep it on. Its helping you, I promise." I whispered, wanting to cry. This hurt so much to see, Tom was so strange, so different, he couldn't even understand that he had a bandage on his arm. I don't think he even knew he had caused it, I don't think he knew anything about his situation, let alone understood anything to do with it. "so scratchy." Tom whimpered, falling onto my torso, letting me hug him.

Was it bad that I enjoyed this hug? Tom hadn't hugged me willingly on our own in a week, and here he was, nuzzling into my shirt, holding onto it, like he used to. I shouldn't have enjoyed this, but I did. I just missed things like this so much, surely I was allowed a few minutes to enjoy a hug? That wasn't sick and twisted, to take advantage of someone in Toms situation, was it? "I'm sorry Tommy, just leave it alone. It'll be okay soon." I rubbed his arm, avoiding touching his bandage, wanting to pick him up and carry him home, cuddle up with him and try to forget what was happening to him inside his head.

"don't cry Danny, its just for a while, he'll get better." Carrie whispered in my ear, flattening Toms hair, tucking his hair behind his ear lovingly. "he's got to. He has to get better." I whimpered, letting Tom join our hands together. "no crying, not nice." Tom mumbled, nuzzling closer. "alright, no crying Tommy, don't worry." I shook my head, feeling a little better to know his senses were improving a little. "see? Already getting better." Carrie smiled, as footsteps came in. I turned round to find it was Harry and Dougie, the both of them looking worse for wear. Though, I reckoned I looked the same, so I couldn't really judge.

"how is he?" Harry asked, putting Dougie down on his own two feet, but still holding onto him, the little blonde hiding in his chest. "been better, but, getting there." I smiled a little, seeing Dougie relax a little against Harrys taught frame. "good, that's good." Harry relaxed as well, running a hand over Dougies back. "yeah, its good." I sighed, squeezing Tom even closer, just wanting him to be close, and for him to feel safe. I hoped that being in my arms meant he felt safe, that he was okay here, in my arms, where he belonged.

"how you feeling Tommy?" I asked, kissing his hair. "itchy." Tom replied, pouting cutely again. "it'll go away soon baby." I reassured him, stroking his hand with my thumb. "not a baby." Tom pulled away a little, d*mn! Please tell me he wasn't realising who I was and what I was saying and doing with him! I wanted him to know what was going on around him, but I didn't want him to be pushing me away again! "no, you're not a baby. You're my Tommy, little perfect Tommy." I realised that this wasn't going to last forever, and once Tom recovered, he wasn't going to let me hug him or anything, so I had to quickly compliment him and make the most of this.

387 Toms POV

"hello, I'm back again, can I talk to the four of you again?" the doctor from last time turned up out of nowhere, Danny froze against me. "o-okay. Tommy, stay here for a few minutes, okay? The doctor needs to talk to us." Danny explained, I had understood what the tall doctor had said, but nodded anyway when Danny explained, to show him I understood him too. "I-I'm staying here, with you." Dougie continued to stand by my bed, hesitantly sitting on it.

"you're red and blotchy." I commented, realising that Dougies cute face was all puffy and red around his eyes. "is it? Oh, probably hay fever. Or an allergy to something, you know me, always allergic to everything." Dougie giggled nervously, scrubbing at his eyes. _He's lying, he's been crying because of you. _"don't cry, its not good." I pleaded, I would have hated it if Dougie cried today, Danny already almost had been, Dougie couldn't cry too! "no, its not. Don't worry, I won't cry." Dougie smiled a little, edging closer up the bed. Slowly, he came over to me, getting hold of my hand, pulling gently until I had an arm around him, his head leaning on my shoulder.

"overnight stay?!" Danny made us jump as he suddenly shouted. "shh Danny! It won't be that bad!" Harry whispered something else into Dannys ear, before they started talking to the doctor again with Carrie. Dougie sighed next to me, starting to fiddle with my fingers. I stayed quiet too, feeling like I should, waiting for whatever it was to be explained to us. Eventually, Danny came back over again with Harry and Carrie. Harry picked Dougie up off the bed again, whispering in his ear, the little one froze with a whimper.

"Tommy, I'm sorry, but the doctor has decided that its best for you to stay here tonight. Just so he can make sure you've finished your treatment, and that its safe for you to come home." Danny sat on the bed with me, holding my hand gently in his. "I don't want to stay here." I whispered in protest, this was place was cold, too bright, I didn't even know where I was, but I was too afraid to ask. "I know, but its for the best, just for tonight. We'll be taking you home tomorrow." Danny explained, he looked so sad, as sad as I felt. "can you stay too?" I asked, wanted Danny to stay here so I wasn't alone, so the cold place wasn't so cold. "no, I can't, but Carrie can. Carrie is staying with you, so its not all bad." Danny managed a smile, his hand untangling from mine to wind around my waist.

"yeah, I'm staying tonight. So don't worry." Carrie got on the bed too, being careful of my legs, and any other body part of mine. "alright. Can you stay a little longer?" I didn't want to be left right now, I wanted a while longer with everyone _before they leave you again._ "of course we can Tommy! We'll stay for a while longer!" Danny grinned, staying on the bed with me for a few more hours.

Over the course of those hours, I felt a little better, things got a little clearer inside my head, and my vision became better too. Before, things had been a little slow in processing, and the outside of my vision was blurry round the edges, now I could see a little better. I also felt like I could speak clearer, get what I wanted to say out, though I was overcome with the need to keep quiet. I felt like I shouldn't be speaking, that I shouldn't be cuddling, shouldn't be doing anything. I didn't know what was wrong with me. It just felt a little like I shouldn't have been there, whatever the place I was in was.

"okay, we have to leave now Tommy, but we'll be back tomorrow, alright? We'll come here and take you home. But for now, do as the doctors tell you and it'll be fine." Danny smiled nervously, kissing me gently, though my lips didn't respond for some reason. "we'll be seeing you tomorrow too. See you then." Harry smiled awkwardly, again, picking Dougie up and carrying him, like you would with a toddler. "bye!" Carrie waved, I waved too, getting hugged from Danny quite tightly before he left with the others. "now, back to the two of us then! What do you want to do?" Carrie rubbed her hands together, I just shrugged, feeling a little empty now.

"you won't be doing anything together for a while, I need to do a few tests myself first." The tall doctor type person came back in again. I let him go through the same tests again, shining the light into my eyes, lifting my itchy arm, making me whine again when it prickled. "good, all very good physically. But can you tell me the date today?" the doctor asked, letting my arm go thankfully. "er...Wednesday?" I guessed, I didn't know, did I? I didn't even know where I was, let alone the date! "okay, and where are you?" oh great, I didn't know that either! Well, it was white, and bright, and cold, there were machines and beeping things everywhere..."I don't know, a hospital?" I guessed again, the man smiled. Inside my gut, I felt it constrict at the thought of a hospital, my heart sped up a bit too, Carries hand came into my own, squeezing it.

"whats your full name and date of birth?" okay, at least that one was easy. "Thomas Michael Fletcher, 17th of July 1985." I knew that one was right at the least. "and who is this and who is she to you?" I looked at Carrie, she looked a little worried. "thats Carrie, my sister." I answered, she relaxed a little. "good, very good. Well, physically, you're okay. And you're brain seems to be working better than earlier. I'll send someone over later to give you a proper evaluation, but other than that, I think you're fine." The doctor smiled and walked out, what did he mean by proper evaluation?


	197. Chapter 197

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - well we'll see if Tom can get any help now!**

**FLOYNTERxxx - hmm now it would be telling if i said if Tom gets better when he comes back to his senses! i've got stuff planned... *evil laugh***

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388 Dannys POV

I hated leaving Tom by himself in hospital, he should have been coming home with us, he shouldn't have been cutting anyway. It was my fault he was, I shouldn't have just rushed into telling Tom my song was about him this morning, it was a huge mistake, I should have never even thought of going about it in that way. I should have gone about talking to him in a completely different way, should have talked to him like we were just bouncing ideas off each other, and then told him it was about him. I had just been so excited to show Tom this song, and tell him it was about him, that I loved him, that I couldn't help myself, I rushed into it too fast and made Tom react like that.

Now, it was my fault he was in hospital, after nearly dying, so unaware of his surroundings, so dependent on other people, Tom didn't even know that he was supposed to hate me right now for 'cheating' on him. In a way, I wished he did, so I wasn't dreading him remembering, and forcing me away. But, I sort of loved Tom seemingly not remembering what happened, so he would hug me, liked to be with me, wasn't glaring at me all the time, he simply _talked _to me. I wished that Tom wouldn't remember it at all, so we could continue our lives like normal. It was all I wanted, Tom to be in my arms, to be happy, carefree, smiling, laughing. Just being Tom.

"Danny, stop worrying will you? Toms going to be fine. Carries with him, and as long as Carrie is with him, then he'll be fine." Harry snapped me out of my worries, using a fake jokey tone. "I can't help it. I need to know Toms okay." I sighed, worrying half to death. Tom wasn't going to be okay, if he realised he was in a hospital, he was going to go _nuts. _He hated being in hospitals. If he realised, he was going to go mental! I couldn't just sit back on watch that happen without at least worrying!

"he will be, Carrie has it covered, and the doctors will help out too. It will be fine." Harry reassured, pulling up to the house. "but its a hospital! And Tom doesn't know where he is! If he realises where he is, then Toms going to end up freaking out so much! I hate knowing Toms somewhere he hates, bound to realise where he is soon! He can't handle things like that, and he's worse now!" I whimpered uselessly, getting out, automatically going to Toms house, as always, but it was so empty now. Like when he ran away, it was empty, just a shell, knowing he wasn't here, he was somewhere he hated, even feared, I couldn't do this.

I couldn't just sit here, knowing Tom was so far away from home, he hated hospitals more than anything in the world. I just wanted to run back to the hospital, and bring Tom home. We could look after him, better than anyone, and we could stop him from panicking when he realised he was in hospital. Couldn't we have just stayed there? I hated being home already, couldn't we go back again?

"Danny, are you staying here tonight?" Harry asked, making me jump. "what? Oh, erm...no, probably not the best idea. I just automatically came here." I shook my head, sleeping in Toms house without him here? It was impossible, knowing I was in my lovers house, while he was in hospital, so ill. "alright, well, come home instead then. Want us to stay round?" Harry got hold of my hand, leading me back to my own house.

"no, I don't want to do anything that could trigger him remembering. Tom doesn't seem to remember what happened at the moment. I don't want him remembering for as long as possible." I shook my head, going to bed by myself, being plagued by nightmares all night long that made my arms crawl and scream out for sharp objects.

389 Toms POV

"Carrie." I whispered, catching her attention. "yes Tom?" she answered, looking up from her breakfast, at the stupidly early time of 9am, I usually wasn't up this early, was I? "why am I here?" I asked, eating another mouthful of cereal. It tasted disgusting, but, I felt hungry, and after some encouragement from Carrie, I had started eating it a few minutes ago. "erm, I don't think I can answer that." Carrie looked awkward, her face falling to look at her own bowl of cereal. "why not? What happened to me?" I honestly couldn't remember what happened to me, I just remembered crying, running and crying, then...blackness, until I woke up here.

"I don't think its a good idea to tell you, thats all. I don't want you to worry." Carrie answered, not looking up to face me. _You did something, something bad. _"but I can't remember." I whimpered, wanting to know what happened to me. "its probably for the best you don't remember." Carrie sighed, what had I done? "please, tell me. I did something wrong, didn't I?" I pleaded, looking down at the itchy bandage on my arm, scratching at it. "don't scratch at it! We've already told you that!" Carrie warned, grabbing my hand. "sorry. Its itchy." I hung my head, feeling stupid, again. _Because you are stupid. _"I know, but you must not scratch at the bandage! Its bad!" Carrie glared at me, I felt the urge to cry. _Don't you dare cry. _"sorry." I gulped down the urge, feeling my thighs itch instead.

"morning! Glad to see you awake now Thomas!" a nurse came in, Carrie held on tighter to my hand. "morning!" Carrie smiled, who was this woman? "everything okay this morning? Any numbness, or loss of control of your arm?" this nurse asked, getting hold of my arm and pulling it towards herself, unravelling the itchy bandage from it. "no, its been fine... what the hell is that?!" I answered, shouting when I saw what the bandage unravelled. A massive row of cuts, each one looking deeper than the last, each one had a row of stitches in them, holding each side of my skin together.

Why did I do that to myself?! What did I do? Did I make Danny angry and shout at me? But how? I had thought we were happy with each other! "this is what you did to yourself yesterday before you came here Thomas." The nurse replied, getting out a few pieces of cotton wool, dabbing them in something that stank, keeping a firm grip on my arm. "but, but, why?" I whimpered, trying to pull my arm back, look closely at the stitches, desperately trying to remember what had happened!

"I don't know why, maybe you should discuss this with your sister after I have finished cleaning these up." The nurse answered, dabbing the cotton wool on my arm, on top of the cut. It stung like hell! It was like my whole arm was burning, pain running up and down it like lightening. I screamed in pain, writhing to get out of her grip on me, but she never let go. Carries arms were soon holding me still, making me endure this pain, the pain that was so much like when I was making those cuts...

_I burst through the front door, running as fast as possible past Carrie, slamming the door to my bedroom, locking myself in before Danny or Carrie got to me__**. Its all a lie, a pure lie! You are not loved, the song is not true, its all a lie! You can't be loved! You're worthless you are not able to be loved! **__But why was is getting harder and harder to believe that?! Why was this so hard to believe?!_

_My head exploded with emotion, making me feel like I was going to explode. Everything was closing in on me, crushing me. I scrambled for my razor blade, needing to feel everything go away and fade into blackness. Before I knew it, I was on the floor, digging the razor as far as possible into my arm. __**Dig deeper, go on, dig deeper.**__ I did, digging in as deep as possible, feeling myself relax, the emotions flowing out of me as darkness fell over me, just as the door opened. _

It came back to me within seconds, hitting me right in the face. Danny had cheated on me! He had cheated on me and had lied to me for years! But he was still trying to make me believe he loved me, had written a song to tell me to love him! Why did he do this?! Why was this happening!? _Because you're worthless and repulsive. He feels sorry for you, so he dated you to make you feel better. _But, I had thought he loved me! I thought we were meant to be! Why did Danny cheat on me?!


	198. Chapter 198

**Guest - hospital rules say only family can be there over night :/**

**FLOYNTERxxx - well we shall see! :P**

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390 Harrys POV

Danny practically dragged us to the car by 11am, when we finally thought it was an acceptable time to go in to see Tom, without the hospital kicking us back out again. "please, hurry up! Please! We need to see Tom! I need to spend as much time with him as possible before he remembers what happened!" Danny pleaded, he had been a little jittery this morning, but I put it down to nerves. "alright, alright! We're going Danny! Keep your hair on!" I laughed lightly, getting into the car, starting to drive off.

Getting to the hospital, Danny actually ran through the corridors, carrying a back pack with a spare pair of clothes for Tom to get changed into. He somehow remembered the way to Toms room, only just having the mindset to slow down before he burst into Toms room. "morning Tom! Wait...Tom?" Danny slowed to a stop, looking around the empty room. It looked brand new, like no-one had been here. "Tom? This was defiantly his room, I was sure! Where did he go?" Danny turned around in a circle, looking around for Tom, or any sign of him.

"I don't know, sure you have the right room?" I asked, this looked like Toms room, but all hospital rooms looked the same. "yeah, this was the right room, I swear this was the right room." Danny ran back out, asking a nurse. "er, Thomas Fletcher? The skinny blonde one, with the girl with the wild hair?" the nurse asked, Danny nodded. "yeah, them! Where did they go? Cause the room they were staying in is empty!" Danny whimpered a little, grabbing my hand. "oh, well Thomas was mostly fine after 10ish, the doctors were mostly happy with his state, and his sister was there with him, so we let him go home to finish his recovery there. Didn't he tell you?" the nurse looked confused. "no, he didn't. Wait, how did he get home? Neither of them have a car!" Danny had a point.

"you don't think they walked, do you?" I asked, surely, they wouldn't have walked, but how else would they have gotten home? "he can't have, he wouldn't...Carrie wouldn't have let him, surely!" Danny got out his phone, ringing Carries number. We waited until he sighed, and cut the call off. "she's not answering. Guess we're just going to have to have to drive home and see if we see them on the way." Danny shoved his phone in his pocket, wandering back to the car.

Danny was quiet on the way home, looking longingly out the window, searching for a hint of blonde hair on the streets. Dougie was the same, playing with the bracelets on his arm, also looking out the window. "seen them yet?" I asked, breaking the silence that not even a radio was breaking. "no, not yet." Danny whispered, slowly curling more and more into his own self, his knees getting closer and closer to his chest. By the time we were home, he was curled into a ball, looking so low and scared.

"he'll come home, don't worry, he'll come home. Carrie will bring Tom home, don't worry." It was all I could say, bringing Danny into the house, to wait for Tom to get in. Hopefully still not remembering what happened.

391 Dougies POV

It took over an hour and a half of pacing back and forth in worry for Tom and Carrie to come home. By this point, Danny was almost at the end of his tether, as taught as a bass string, pacing like it was the only thing he could do, chewing on his sleeve so much until there was a massive hole in his sleeve.

But the pacing stopped the second the door opened, we ran to the door, almost falling over each other in our hurry. "Tom! Where have you been? I've been so worried! You should have told us you were coming home, we would have picked you up!" Danny stayed back, his body quivering like it was trying with all its might to not run forward, just in case. "doesn't matter, we're home, now get out." Tom growled, walking past us all. "what? Tommy, where have you been? Its been hours!" Danny clearly knew what had happened, but I think he was still clinging to the small hope something else had happened.

"we've been walking home, now go away." Tom kept on walking upstairs, surprisingly calm. "Tommy, whats wrong?" Danny started to follow, Carrie stopped him. "he's remembered what happened. Don't try to act dumb, Toms really hurt, its like he's only just found out again." Carrie explained, she obviously had seen the hurt and had been dealing with it on their very long walk. "oh sh*t, Tommy!" Danny ran upstairs, the three of us following if not just to see if Tom was alright.

"Danny, be careful. Toms ill, and the heartbreak is still fresh in his mind, so be cautious, alright?" Carrie warned, opening the music rooms door, finding Tom hiding under his duvet, the lump shivering as cries filled the room. "oh Tommy." Danny through all caution to the wind and hurriedly wrapped his arms around the shaking mound, without even thinking, me and Harry were there too, all of us managing to hold our arms around Tom. "oh baby, you poor little guy. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Danny whispered, putting his head where Toms head seemed to be. "g-go away. Y-you lied to me!" Tom cried, the duvet shuffling and twitching mechanically.

"no I didn't, I didn't lie to you. I have never lied to you." Danny shook his head, managing to hold Toms hand. "n-no, you l-lied! Lied and cheated!" Tom stuttered, pulling his hands away, holding onto his duvet instead, so we couldn't pull it off him. "we didn't. we never had an affair, we never did any of it." I whispered, not knowing what else to say. "we haven't done anything, you saw wrong, we never slept together." Harry backed me up, rubbing my side gently. "stop lying, please, leave me alone and stop lying." Tom whimpered, his cries turning from heart breaking to heart shattering. Tom was honestly so upset over this, it was like he was being hit with it all over again, only he was taking it better this time round. I guess he still wasn't all there mentally, he still wasn't fully recovered, so he couldn't react as well as before. I just felt so sorry for him, that we couldn't help him now, because he still thought we had had an affair, all we could do was try and talk him into seeing sense.


	199. Chapter 199

**Guest - *hands Tom over for a hug* :)**

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392 Dannys POV

Toms voice as he pleaded us to stop lying to him broke my heart, he was so hurt by all of this, having had it suddenly come back to him, it must have been like he had been slapped or something. I couldn't even imagine what he was going through right now. "we're not lying though Tommy, I never cheated on you. I swear, I never cheated on you." I whispered, trying to be gentle, running my fingers over the ridge where his knees were. "stop lying to me! Please, go away! I don't want you here anymore!" Tom cried, his voice filled with tears. "Tom, it could be a good idea to listen to what everyones saying." Carrie advised, shuffling over a bit, taking over my spot, breaking the contact I had had with him for the past few minutes.

I was already craving Toms hugs again, he had been so loving yesterday. For the first time in ages, Tom had leant on me first, hugged me first, had spoken to me, asked questions. He had almost been normal Tom, he had just been a bit slow and a bit dependant on us, that was it, now, he hated us again, because he remembered what happened. I was so stupid to believe that he wouldn't remember for a while longer, of course Tom would remember! But I had hoped that I could have him back, just for a few days, so I had some time to come up with an actual convincing argument, or at least have some time with my lover, when he wasn't shouting at me, or crying.

"don't want to hear it." Toms head shook from side to side under the duvet. "why not?" I asked, why couldn't we just explain what happened? "its lies." Tom answered simply, snivelling, probably trying to hold in tears. "its not though Tommy, its the truth!" I crawled closer, needing Tom to realise that it was true. I would have never even thought of cheating on him, Tom was the only person I had ever loved, why couldn't he just let me explain what happened? Couldn't he see that it was true? I know what he saw wasn't exactly the best looking thing in the world, but, surely, he knew that I loved him, right? He surely knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't do something like that to him, or was his brain just completely not functioning at all right now? I didn't know, I just knew that I needed to find a way that Tom could understand, so I could explain to him what happened.

"I'm not Tommy!" Tom whined, pulling his duvet over his head more. "sorry, but Tom, please, let us explain what happened. It'll make sense if you let us." I pleaded, wanting to cry now myself. There were still sounds of tears being held in from under the duvet, the whole thing clearly shaking, and we were getting nowhere. I just wanted Tom back, to have the poor guy in my arms again, so I could look after him, stop him crying, stop him being so scared, just stop him from feeling so low.

"no! Leave me alone! Go away! I don't want to know!" Toms cries got more intense, I unwillingly backed off a little, joining Harry and Dougie, not wanting to make Tom even worse. "okay, okay. Calm down Tom, we won't talk about it for a while." Carrie hugged her brother shaped duvet lump, gently pulling the duvet from his head, revealing Toms face, covered in tears, with his hair all over the place. Immediately, Tom hid in Carries embrace, holding her like he would have with me a few years ago, that bandage on his arm gleaming, even through the blue sleeve thing the hospital had put on it.

393 Toms POV

I couldn't help it, I needed to hug someone, someone who still liked me, someone I still trusted. "shh, its okay Tom. Stop crying, its okay." Dannys hand rested on my shoulder. "go away! Stop lying!" I whimpered, shaking his hand off. "but I'm not lying." Danny mumbled, _he is, don't believe him. _"you are! Go away! I don't want you here anymore!" I cried, wanting Danny, Harry and Dougie to just go away. I wanted them to stop pretending, stop making it seem like nothing happened, like I didn't see them in bed together. So many things were coming back to me, so many different things all of the boys had said to me, around me, the fact that they were pretending around me staring me in the face.

"sorry Tommy, are you sure you want us to go?" Danny asked, thankfully not touching me again. "yes! Go away! Get out and stop lying to me!" I tried to not look like this was breaking me apart inside, my arms and legs itching and screaming out more than I was. "alright, we'll go, sorry for upsetting you." Danny sighed, stroking my hair gently. I shoved his hand away, hiding away in Carries arms. "bye Tom, bye Carrie." Harry got up too, bringing Dougie with him. "we're sorry, feel better soon Tom." Dougie whispered, walking out with his husband and his lover, clinging needily to the drummer.

Even after they went, I was crying needily, I had forgotten this yesterday, completely forgotten about Dannys cheating, how we were having to pretend we were still together every time we went out, Dannys song, his lies, everything. Then this morning, the freight train hit, punching out my insides, a million and one memories of moments where I had seen Danny, Harry or Dougie do something, say something, anything that would hint that I wasn't wanted, that I wasn't good enough. Just so maybe I would get the picture, that I wasn't meant to be here, that everything was just a lie, because I was pathetic.

"shhh, they're gone now, they're gone. There's no need to cry anymore." Carrie whispered, hugging my waist gently, like Danny would have done. "b-but he cheated on me!" I whimpered, scratching the blue thing the hospital had put on my arm. "I know he did, I know. Now come on, how about we do something to cheer you up? Wanna go and draw?" Carrie asked, I shook my head. All my drawings revolved around Danny with his real lovers, with me in the corner, out of the way, being a pointless waste of space.

"alright, wanna write a song then? I know you have one on the go, wanna carry on writing?" Carrie suggested, I nodded. "alright, wheres your book?" Carrie got my book and my guitar, letting me go. I wiped my tears, grabbing the guitar and my book. Carrie stayed with me, watching me write hurriedly in my book, playing and writing, releasing my emotions a bit. My insides were still twisting and turning, shredding to bits, making everything scream out for razors and sharp objects. I just needed sharp things, lots and lots of sharp things. You would have thought I would have learnt from my previous mistake, that landed me in hospital, but I _needed _the sharp objects, I needed to release the emotions inside me, before I exploded.

I was thinking so much, and writing at the same time, trying not to think about the performance we had to do in a few days. I didn't want to have to pretend, or have to see Danny, I hated having to warn myself constantly that it wasn't real, I wasn't supposed to enjoy it. I wasn't having a happy ending, things were going to be hidden from me all the time. We weren't going to talk it over either, because I would only be lied to. I was not going to be lied to anymore, and I wasn't going to be having a happy ending, I wasn't having anything.


	200. Chapter 200

**wooo chapter 200! :D**

**FLOYNTERxxx - well he might get that, in one way or other ;)**

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394 Dougies POV

The next day, we decided to have a song writing day, in a desperate to get Tom round, if we could try to get him to at least talk to us. If we could get him on talking terms with us, we were some way to getting him back with Danny, before the both of them went mental. Well, more mental than they already were. "Danny, breathe, it won't be too bad. Remember, he's had a good cry with Carrie, and I don't think his mind is fully there yet. It could be the best chance to get him to believe us. While he's still a bit...dependant." Harry clearly didn't know how to describe Toms state. He wasn't...there, not completely. He was still quite dependant on others, thank god Carrie was living with him, or I dreaded to think what would have happened.

"but its all fresh in his mind! Like its only just happened all over again!" Danny whimpered, chewing on his fingers, his sleeves pulled as far over his hands as possible. "Danny, I'm sure it won't be too bad. And remember, we're not trying to make him believe that you love him today, we're just trying to get back onto speaking terms again." I tried to smile, offering a hug too, being accepted into Dannys arms. "I know, I just don't want this to be happening. I want him to forget again, be like he was yesterday. Or that a horrible thing to say? I'm wishing that Tom was even more ill that he is right now! How horrible is that? My god I'm a horrible person!" Danny let go, scratching his arm, chewing on his fingers at the same time.

"no you're not! You just are wishing for your boyfriend back, thats all. Now stop scratching, its not going to do you any good." Harry pulled Dannys hands away from themselves, stopping his chewing and scratching. "but I'm wishing that Toms worse than he actually is! He's already so, so ill, how can I wish he was worse?! How can I possibly wish that?!" Danny cried, distressed tears welling up in his eyes. "Danny, I'm wishing it too, we all are. Its because Toms seemingly easier to handle that way, because he's calmer, and depends on us." I jumped in, not sure what else to say.

"but its so wrong to think like that! Its so wrong, and I'm supposed to love him, and I'm not acting like I do! And thinking that is a terrible thing to think!" Danny whimpered, shaking in our arms, as we brought him into them. "it is, but, its just something we can't help but think." Harry sighed, holding the both of us in his arms.

Suddenly, the letterbox flapped up and closed again, a few bits of paper falling to the floor. "I'll get it." I pulled out of the three way embrace, going over to pick up the paper, words written all over it, in Toms handwriting. It was a song. "what is it Doug?" Danny asked, coming over with Harry, looking over my shoulder. "its a song, from Tom." I explained, handing him the lyrics and notes. "wow, it sounds good, if what I'm imagining is anything like it actually sounds like." Danny looked over the notes, explaining how the songs backing track went. I hadn't seen the lyrics yet, but I reckoned that they were incredible.

395 Harrys POV

"wait, there's a note here too... and another song." I picked up the piece of paper with a note on.

'I'm not coming over today, here's two songs I've come up with. Sorry that they're depressing, please make changes until they're good enough. Email me back with the changes. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I know they're pretty awful. Thomas. xxx'

"d*mn." Dougie swore, picking up the lyrics to a song called 'Behind These Hazel Eyes' looking through them, his face falling slowly as he read through the lyrics. "they're beautiful." Dougie whispered, showing me the lyrics, and they were beautiful, but heart shattering at the same time. This song only just barely scratched the surface of how Tom was feeling, I could tell, he was in so much pain, he really was totally into pieces.

"can I see that one?" Danny looked over too, his face falling as he read through the lyrics, like his heart was shattering, it probably was. This was like looking inside Toms mind, how he was feeling, what he dealt with on the inside, every time he looked at us. "oh god, what have I done?" Danny cried, his knees going weak, I managed to catch him before he fell, but it didn't stop the tears. "its not your fault Dan." I sighed, holding him up, feeling him shake.

"it is! And now he feels like this! And there's another song too, it'll be the same thing again! Its all my fault!" Danny cried, dropping the paper, holding onto my hands, gripping onto them as tight as possible. "its not Dan, its not. We won't look at the other song, alright?" I turned him round, hugging him to my chest, letting him cry there, the songs lyrics going round and round in my head.

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore...

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

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**the song is Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson**


	201. Chapter 201

**FLOYNTERxxx - well i'll see what i can do to cheer them up a bit :)**

**Guest - thank you! and i guess i get a bit carried away with it, and its all good practice for me, because one of my main goals in life is to be a published author so i like to get in practice for writing really lengthy things now! xD**

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396 Dannys POV

The lyrics span through my mind, haunting me for hours, just imagining Toms pain, he was totally broken inside, crying by himself. I had caused this, caused all this pain, made him fall to pieces, broke his heart into shards. It was all my fault, completely my fault, how was I so stupid? I was ridiculously stupid, for doing this to my boyfriend, the only person I had ever loved, my first and only boyfriend. The boy who made my knees go weak, pterodactyls run riot inside my stomach, my whole body tremble with just a smile. How could I do this to him? And then wish that he would become worse, so he was easier to handle and cuddle, because he didn't remember, what kind of a person was I to think this? I had turned Tom into a beautiful disaster, and I couldn't fix him.

I curled up on the sofa, hugging the pillow Tom usually laid on, trying to wrap my head round the fact that I had caused all of this, and now couldn't fix it. I couldn't fix Tom, no matter how hard I tried, he wasn't going to pay attention to someone he hated. I didn't even want to look at the other song, not wanting see more of his heartbreak, but at the same time, I wanted to. So I could come up with some way to help him, but I didn't want to read and hear how much he was hurting, but I wanted to get him back again. But, what if I hurt him again? I couldn't hurt him again. It wouldn't be fair, would it? No, it wouldn't be fair, to set him up, the whole time the back of his mind shouting at him that I would hurt him again, only for it to come true.

All I wanted was for Tom to forget what happened, or for him to go back in time to see what really happened, if he could see what really happened, he would believe me. Everything would be okay if Tom believed me, we would be happy again, hopefully he would want to be with me again, so we could be in each others arms again. I missed Tom so much, I just wanted him back, in whatever state he was in, I just wanted him back in my arms.

"cheer up Dan, we'll think of something." Harry sighed, leaning on the sofa from his spot on the floor. "but what? We've tried! We've tried talking to him, we tried making a song for him, we've tried so many things!" I cried, we had tried so many different ways, and Tom never listened, he ignored everything we said, saying it was all lies. I wished that Tom wasn't so d*mn stubborn, that he was able to think straight, so he could see that I wasn't lying to him. "Danny, theres always a way, always." Dougie encouraged, his childish hope was honestly heart breaking. The guy was still innocent enough to think that there was a way to fix this, I didn't think there was. I couldn't think of a way that would make Tom understand that I loved him and nothing happened, there wasn't a way.

"there isn't Doug, we've tried everything, there isn't a way." I shook my head, staring at the paper with Toms songs on. They had been placed on the table, and now they were staring me in the face, taunting me, telling me to read them. "theres always a way Dan, we always think of something. And you know Tom better than anyone, you'll come up with something." Dougie smiled, full of confidence and sincerity. "yeah, maybe, if I'm lucky. If not this is going to carry on forever." I deflated even more against the sofa, staying there all night, not even wanting to move.

I barely touched my dinner that night, not wanting to eat, not wanting to do anything. I just wanted to cuddle with Tom, that was it. "well, we're going to go home, see you in the morning. We're rehearsing tomorrow anyway, we might come up with something then." Harry encouraged, standing up and stretching. "yeah, maybe." I sighed, standing up too, because I had to, just to be polite if nothing else. "we will, we'll come up with something. Night Danny." Dougie hugged me, giggling when I ruffled his hair playfully. "night guys. See you in the morning." I smiled as well, unable to not when hearing Dougie giggle. It was like seeing Tom smile, just a hint of the dimple was enough to make me smile.

"see you later." Harry opened the door, giving me a hug before grabbing Dougies hand, tickling his side to make him laugh again. "see you guys." I smiled again, watching them go down the road, before flopping onto my sofa. The lyrics were looking at me again, telling me to read them, they were going to be good, no matter what they were about, I knew that much. Should I read them? Or should I leave it, so I didn't get hurt? I had to read them though, in a way, so I had a good idea how Tom was feeling, though Behind These Hazel Eyes had given me a good idea already. Oh, I had to read them! This was Toms lyrics, they were incredible, always incredible.

I grabbed the paper, looking over the lyrics, and my heart shattered.

So much for my happy ending

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Oh oh, oh oh, oh...

Let's talk this over

It's not like we're dead

Was it something I did?

Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hanging

In a city so dead

Held up so high

On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Oh oh, oh oh

You've got your dumb friends

I know what they say

They tell you I'm difficult

But so are they

But they don't know me

Do they even know you?

All the things you hide from me

All the sh*t that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there

Thanks for acting like you cared

And making me feel like I was the only one

It's nice to know we had it all

Thanks for watching as I fall

And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

so much for my happy ending

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

so much for my happy ending

oh oh, oh oh, oh...

397 Toms POV

"Tom, time to get up! You've got rehearsals today!" Carrie shook my shoulders, waking me from my dreamless sleep. "no, sleepy!" I whined, rolling onto my stomach. "I know you are, but its rehearsal day! You've got to go cause you need to practise for your performance next week!" Carrie carried on shaking me, until I turned over, showing signs of life. "ugh I don't want to." I moaned, not wanting to spend time with my band mates. I didn't want to spend time with them, pretending that everything was okay, at least we weren't in front of cameras today, so we didn't have to pretend that much. _Don't forget, they've been looking at your songs too, they'll rip them to shreds._

"yeah, I know. Want me to come with you today, for moral support?" Carrie asked, sitting down next to me as I sat up. "do you have to do anything today?" I didn't want to ruin her day, by making her follow me around. "no, there's nothing for me today." Carrie shook her head, so I agreed, going and getting ready to go out.

We met Danny, Harry and Dougie outside at 10am, they were already in the minivan, ready and waiting for us. _You kept them waiting, nice job. _"I'm coming with you today boys, move over!" Carrie playfully pushed Danny over as she clambered into the car, leaving me to get in the front again pushing my headphones into my ears. Everything went silent apart from my music, I had put on the saddest songs on my iPod, because they matched my mood the best. Listening to happy songs didn't cheer me up at all, just made me realise how much life sucked for me, it was better for me to listen to sad songs, because they matched me at the moment.

Getting to the studio, I hid myself in a corner with my guitar, deciding to ignore the conversation that was happening. _Don't talk unless you're talked to. _I wasn't going to, why would I talk to my 'best friends' all of whom were having an affair? I may have liked to hurt myself, but giving myself heart ache? I wasn't that stupid. "Tom, we went over your songs you gave us yesterday." Harry turned to me, stroking Dougies hair as he cuddled the drummer, not even looking at me. _He can't even look at you, you're that repulsive. _"they're really good, really, really good." Danny carried on, looking around the room awkwardly, rubbing his arm, pulling his sleeves down further over his hands.

As he did that, the fabric pulled taught over his arm, revealing a ridge, a ridge similar to my own. It was the clear sign of a bandage caused ridge. _He's self harmed again, you probably caused it too, you always cause bad things to happen. _I stared at his arm, trying to see if I could tell how long it was, see if I could work out how many cuts there were. Was it weird I felt a bit disappointed in him for doing this? Danny had been doing so well, _until you came along and messed it up, I knew sending those songs to them was a bad idea, and did you listen? No, of course not, you never do. _

"did you hear me Tom? I said the songs were really good." Danny repeated, looking at his arm, crossing them and hiding the ridge. "yeah, what did you change then?" I asked, _besides from everything? _"nothing, nothing at all. They were amazing." Danny answered, edging a little closer to Harry and Dougie. Dougie still didn't look up, holding onto Harry like it was the only thing he could do. "don't lie, what did you change?" I knew he was lying, without the voice telling me, I wasn't good at writing songs, there was surely something he changed.

"no, nothing at all. Got any more?" Danny shook his head, starting to chew on his sleeves. "no." I answered simply. "don't lie Tom! You've got the one you wrote yesterday!" Carrie smiled, what was she doing?! "thats not a song." I glared at her, we were _not _using that song! That was _my _song, no-one was hearing it, seeing it, anything! "it is! And its awesome! I think you should play it for the performance!" Carrie grinned, I was regretting bringing her now.

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**the song this time around is My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne**


	202. Chapter 202

**okay i have one more day left of my skills challenge, thank god! but i don't know when i'll be updating tomorrow because i'm in from 8.30 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon, or possibly staying in school until the actual final starts at 6.30, and i don't have a clue when i'll be getting home! i shall try to add tomorrow, but, i don't know as of yet, it all depends on whether or not my group decides to let us come home for some sort of break or not. **

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398 Dougies POV

"can we hear it?" Harry asked, looking at Carrie, holding me in his arms. I couldn't even look up right now, too scared to see Tom. He looked so frail, and so alone, even through the mask he was wearing, the tough mask that said he hated us. Tom looked tiny in his little corner, like he hadn't eaten in days, had been cutting so much there was barely any blood left in him. I couldn't face it, admit to myself that we had caused this. "no." Tom sounded adamant, but scared at the same time. "go on, show them! Its an awesome song, a really, really awesome song!" Carrie encouraged, going over to Toms rucksack.

Tom grabbed it first, holding his bag close to himself, protecting it. "I'm _not _playing it!" Tom growled, and continued to refuse for hours, every time we asked, he said no. It was the only words he said all day, just continuing to say 'no' over and over again. I don't know why we didn't just give up, but I guess it was for the best, to try and get Tom to realise that we weren't going to hate his ideas. "can we at least look at it? The lyrics, or anything?" Danny bargained, Tom shook his head. "no." Tom answered, scratching at his arm again.

"why not though?" I asked, speaking up for the first time in a few hours. "its _mine _thats why." Tom glared again, yanking on his arm as Carrie grabbed it, stopping his scratching. "but we want to hear it." Harry sighed, running his fingers in patterns over my back from where I was sat on his knees. "well, you're not going to." Tom stood up, going out of the room, we all followed along behind.

"why not? Whats so wrong with it? Cause if you don't like it, we can work on it too. We can work on it together." Danny managed to get his arms wrapped around Toms waist, holding him still. "get off! You're not hearing it!" Tom shoved Danny off him, the panic rising in his eyes. "okay, okay. Maybe some other time, then? Maybe once you're happy with it, yeah?" Danny hid the hurt he was obviously feeling well, trying to calm Tom.

"fine, are we going home now?" Tom looked away, but continued to face us, well, his body was facing us, his head was looking at his shoes. "er, no, we've still got to do some rehearsing, even though we don't have a song picked yet." Danny shook his head. We had been so busy trying to get Tom to let us see his mysterious song, we hadn't even picked a song to play for our next performance. At least we had thought of a few songs we could maybe play, but no idea for certain what to pick.

"pick whatever you want, I don't care." Tom moved to sit on the windowsill, then jumped back down. "well, want to help us at all, and get practising?" Harry asked, rubbing my side. "give me a minute, I need some air." Tom gave in, chewing on his sleeve. "alright, we'll be in the studio when you're ready." Danny smiled a little, hesitating before following me and Harry back to the studio, leaving Tom and Carrie in the corridor together.

399 Harrys POV

Danny sulked until Tom came back into the studio, biting on his nails, like it would help calm him down. But even when Tom walked in, Danny continued to chew, possibly chewing even more, practically eating his fingers. "feeling better now?" I asked first, grabbing the Boltoners hands and pulling them away from his mouth, hearing him whimper needily. "yeah, decided on a song?" Tom nodded weakly, sitting by his piano on the floor.

"no, we can't think of anything to be honest." I lied, we had two songs to choose from, but we wanted to see if we could get Tom to let us see any other songs, or if he would at least help us choose a song. "really?" Tom looked suspicious, staring at the sofa between us. "yeah, can't think of a thing." Danny nodded, squeezing my hand a little. "we want to play a song that has an impact, that we either haven't play much, or at all. One that still says that you're still a band, and you're not just a series of constant stories that an exmanager keeps on revealing." Tommy carried on, making Tom chew on his lip in thought.

"oh, don't we have anything like that?" Tom asked, picking at his fingers. "well, no, not really. All of our best songs we've used as singles, that we've played so many times. We want a good, new song, that will show the world that you're still amazing." Tommy answered, putting a hand on mine and Dougies shoulders. It seemed wrong when he did that, I felt like it was making it seem like we were a unit, and Tom wasn't a part of it. Us sitting here like this, facing Tom on his own, with only his little sister by his side, it wasn't right. Tom needed to be over here with us, a part of our group, because he was a part of our group, he was our leader, he shouldn't have had to sit on his own, thinking the worst of us. I just wished he was over here with us, instead of looking so lonely.

"thats why we need to see your songs Tom, so we have a bit more choice to choose from." Danny carried on, his eyes practically begging Tom to believe him. "aren't there any other songs you've got to chose from?" Tom whimpered, he looked quite scared to be honest. "no, none of ours are good enough." Danny shook his head, Tom whimpered loudly again, we seemed to be getting somewhere though, so maybe it was worth it. "oh, erm... well, maybe you can see my song...if you really need it." Tom mumbled, like he really, really regretted saying that.

"we do! So, are you going to play it or...?" I trailed off, not really knowing how to ask Tom what he was going to do now. "erm..." Tom looked confused, looking at Carrie helplessly, like she had the answer. "I'll sing if you want me to Tom, while you play." She suggested, sliding closer. "no, no... erm, can we just play it, without singing?" Tom scratched a little at his arm, revealing how awkward and scared he felt. "yeah, and we can just look over the lyrics too, if thats what you want." Danny grinned, practically bouncing. I just hoped this song didn't have the same tone of My Happy Ending and Behind These Hazel Eyes, so this excitement didn't end.


	203. Chapter 203

**FLOYNTERxxx - its not gone too badly, we had the most interesting one by far and our group worked really well together. i'm getting a bit annoyed currently cause our team leader is being a bit douchey, but hey, i can't really change that and its one more day to go! also tomorrow if my group comes third or fourth we get £30, second we get £50, or £100 if we win, so its all currently going well! :D and its okay, and you might be waiting a while cause i keep it under wraps for a while ;)**

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400 Dannys POV

I couldn't wait to hear this, even just the instrumental version, just to hear Tom play was enough to excite me! It had been weeks since I had last heard Tom play, I loved hearing him play, almost as much as I loved hearing him sing, especially when there was a new song involved! Tom and Carrie whispered something to each other, Carrie handed Tom a guitar and went to the piano, making me even more excited. Even though I wasn't hearing Tom sing, I loved hearing his songs, especially when he was playing new stuff to me, his songs were perfect, even when they were about me breaking his heart.

Carrie started playing, the piano keys sound filling the room, and Tom joined in too with his guitar, it was a slow tune, but a haunting one, until it built up to the chorus. The chorus was heavy, like an explosion, it burst out and really grabbed attention, even people walking past the studio stopped to look in to see what was going on. It sounded beautiful, honestly, beautiful, probably with angsty lyrics that really stuck in the brain. It was perfect, even before I had heard the lyrics.

"wow, that was... incredible." I managed to say as the music stopped, though I still heard it inside my head, playing over and over. "that was, whats it called? And where are the lyrics? I think we've found performance song!" Tommy smiled, it seemed that Harry and Dougie were still a bit speechless. "it doesn't have a name yet. And I don't have the lyrics on me." Tom looked away awkwardly, fiddling with his guitar, plucking at random strings. "bring them tomorrow then! If the lyrics are as good as the instrumental, we've got an amazing song on our hands!" I encouraged, needing Tom to know that he had written a brilliant song. Knowing his mind, he hated it, or at least thought that it wasn't that good. He needed to know that it was brilliant!

"its not that good, just a load of random words and chords." Tom shook his head, fiddling with his sleeve, the one hiding his bandaged arm. "its still amazing. It really is. I think we should use it for your next performance." Tommy smiled, getting agreements from me, Harry, Dougie and Carrie. "but you haven't even seen the lyrics." Tom mumbled weakly, staring intently at his sleeve, his fingers only just poking out. "well, we'll be seeing them tomorrow, and then we'll know for sure that this is the song we've been looking for. But for now, I think thats it for today, lets get you boys home." Tommy was obviously trying to make Tom more confident by forcing him to do things, like show us this song properly, and perform it. Hopefully, it would give him some sort of confidence, or at least help him get some emotion out of his system.

Wordlessly, we scrambled into the minivan again, Carrie taking up Toms usual spot next to me, Tom staying in the front seat by himself, his iPod playing in his ears again. "Carrie, what is this song about?" I asked in whispers, paranoid Tom would hear me. "its like My Happy Ending, only a bit deeper, and a bit darker. Its really, really good. You'll smash the performance with it." Carrie explained, smiling. "sounds interesting. Can you get him to write up the lyrics, and the chords so we can learn it all?" I wondered what the lyrics could be, this was intriguing to say the least!

"yeah, sure. Though I think you should let Tom sing most of it, if not all of it. Its his song, his feelings, his voice really fits it. I think it would be best to let him sing all of it to be honest." Carrie advised, she had a point. "do you think it'll make him feel better too?" I whispered, could singing help him out as well? "maybe, I dunno. Sort it out between yourselves tomorrow, but, I think it'll be best to let Tom sing the most of it." Carrie shrugged, smiling reassuringly, like she knew that this could help. I guess she did know what was best, she spent the most time with Tom, she knew how his head worked, so maybe this was actually a good idea.

401 Toms POV

My evening was spent writing out the chords and everything that Danny, Harry and Dougie needed to play my new song, but I on purpose 'forgot' to write out the lyrics. I didn't want them to read the lyrics, maybe if I kept on forgetting to bring them we wouldn't have any time left to actually learn them? Would that work? _Finally! A good plan. Don't ever let them see the lyrics, they'll laugh at them. _Good, I finally had a bit of approval. _Only a bit, we'll just see if this actually works. _

I didn't sleep that night, like usual, I spent most of the night awake, drawing, perfecting some of my ideas. Or at least making them look less like complete messes. _They won't ever be good. _Well dur, I knew that, but this was for my own benefit, to just get rid of some of my thoughts. It was calming to draw, even though I wasn't drawing the happiest of things. "Tom, its time to- oh, you're already awake! How long have you been up for?" Carrie smiled, falling down next to me. "few hours." I lied, _more like for the past 24 hours. _"alright then, well, come on, the guys are going to be here in an hour. Have you got everything copied up and ready?" Carrie asked, pulling me downstairs. "yeah, all ready." I sighed, falling onto the floor next to the sofa, continuing to draw.

"awesome! I'm not coming with you today though, I've got a few things to do. Gunna be okay?" Carrie looked a bit worried, but still continued to smile. _She is forcing that smile, she doesn't want you to say that you want her to come with you. _"yeah, I'll be fine." I sighed again, not really wanting to go today, be all on my own, no-one with me to be on my side. It was me vs everyone else, the trio I used to call my boyfriend and best friends, Tommy, Darren, Richard, every single person we interacted with on a daily basis. It was horrible, only Carrie pretended to be on my side anymore, I just wanted someone to sit with, to talk to, to stand up with me, instead of against me, forcing me to do things. "good, thats good. Want any breakfast before you go?" Carrie grinned, _told you, she's relieved that she is spending the day without you. _"no, not hungry." I shook my head, feeling sick at the thought. I could still feel last nights dinner rolling around inside me, even though I had gotten rid of it, it was still there, somehow. I would unwillingly throw up for once if I ate another thing. "okay, well, just carry on drawing and watch these cartoons for a while, the guys will be round in a while." Carrie ruffled my carefully fixed hair, messing it up completely.

I fixed it again, and carried on drawing, like I was told. The cartoon on was Fairly Odd Parents, and I found myself finding some of the things being said funny, like the 'Icky Vicky' song being sung by Chip Skylark. It reminded me of when me and Danny singing it around his sister Vicky to wind her up, why couldn't we have that back? Why did this go so wrong? Couldn't we have been friends, why did I have to fall in love, and Danny had to hate me so much? Was I _that _unlikable that he couldn't even like me as a friend? I wished, so much, that I was likable, that I was better, that I was talented, beautiful, funny, smart, everything that made up a nice person. I hated myself, so much. _You should, everyone else does. _

The door bell rang, breaking me from my thoughts, making me realise I had drawing myself into my drawing. I wasn't supposed to be in this, this was supposed to be the happy trio, why was I now in this? Though, it didn't look too bad, I was only in the corner, just a small head and shoulders in the background, not a full body. And I wasn't in the group huddle everyone else was in, I would rub myself out later, when I wasn't being called to go out.

Slowly, I grabbed my bag, filled with the chords, Sonic the Hedgehog, razor and cutting towel, and trudged out to the door, being greeted by Dougie. "hey! Dan and Haz are in the car, Dannys already fallen asleep and Harrys trapped behind him! So, I'm here instead!" Dougie offered as explanation, all smiles and boyish energy. "yeah, whatever, lets just get moving." I pushed past him, touching him for the first time in weeks, making him gasp quietly, before bouncing down the path with me. _He'll burn those clothes tonight, because you're disgusting! _Great, I was back to insults again, I loved the insults...not. _its all you're getting, sorry you wimp. _

As Dougie had said, Danny had fallen asleep already, curled up on his side on the seats we both would have usually sat on, Harrys hoodie looking huge on him. "morning Tom! I would have come out too, but then I would have had to move Dannys seat, which would have woken him up." Harry smiled, as Dougie managed to squeeze his skinny body between the door and the seat to get in with him. "yeah, whatever." I sighed, putting in my headphones, wanting to just shut the world out for a few hours. All I wanted to do was get in the back seat and curl up in Dannys arms, sleep for a few hours myself, I hadn't slept properly the past few weeks. I could only sleep when my stomach was empty, some part of my body was throbbing with pain, and I could hear Dannys snores, telling me he was there. I couldn't just go to his house anymore and sleep there, he would probably be with his real lovers, I couldn't run the risk of being found there, like some pathetic freak, I didn't want to be hated even more than I already was.


	204. Chapter 204

**FLOYNTERxxx - we came third in the end and the guy we were working for is offering us proper work experience with stuff we're good at if any of us want it, so it went quite well in the end! :) and its about 10 more updates, then things start looking up, i can't really remember exactly how many it is.**

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402 Dougies POV

Tom kept a good hold of his backpack the whole way to the studio, his earphones firmly in his ears while Danny snored quietly, huddled up in Harrys Zukie hoodie like it was the only thing keeping him warm, even with the heaters on. The only reason he was wearing it was because he felt cold, and the only one of us in a jacket had been Harry, who had given it to him. I know it now looked quite bad again, but, I couldn't change it now. All any of us could do was let Danny sleep, and Tom listen to his music, so the both of them were somewhat happy, or at least not giving each other longing looks across the room when they thought the other wasn't looking.

I cuddled up with Harry the whole way to the studio, not wanting to let him go for a second, needing to know that there still was one remaining couple who loved each other in this band. "Dougie, we're at the studio, you need to move now, and wake up Danny, so I can get out." Harry rubbed my side, pushing me away a little. I reluctantly moved away, getting out of the car, wondering how I was going to wake Danny up. "Tom, is there a quick way to wake Danny up?" I asked, turning to the blonde, who looked away the second I looked at him. "dunno." Tom shrugged, looking at the ground. "come on, you've woken him up a thousand times now, so, apart from jumping on him, any other ways to wake Danny up?" I encouraged, smiling softly, trying to show that I meant no harm.

"poke him." Tom answered simply, he clearly knew other ways, but was keeping them to himself. I shrugged it off, climbing back into the car, poking Danny shoulder. I knew it wouldn't wake him up, but I wondered if I could get Tom to give me more directions. Danny just groaned half heartedly batting away my hand. "any more directions?" I gave up and asked. "in his stomach, poke him there over and over." Tom explained, so I did, poking Danny right in his tummy. "ow! What the hell was that for!? That hurt!" Danny whined, holding onto his stomach, protecting it as I giggled. "had to! You're trapping Harry in the back of the car!" I laughed, dodging out of the car as Danny sat up, slightly worried I would be caught in a play fight.

"ah, sorry mate, who the hell told you to do that?" Danny jumped out of the car, taking a sideways look at Tom, who was doing a brilliant job of pretending that he wasn't actually here. "Tom did!" I grinned, scrambling onto Harrys back as he got out, as a way of protection from any play fights or tickle fights. "oh did he?" Danny turned to Tom, the poor boy looked so sheepish as Danny stepped closer, his hands raised like he was about to jump and tickle him. "well, yeah... I'm going to the studio now." Tom whimpered, dodging out of our way and jogging into the building. "d*mn, thought I would get some tickling or something there." Danny sighed, grabbing his lyric book and wandering after Tom. "never mind, we tried." I smiled, feeling quite proud of myself for managing to _almost _get some sort of playful thing going between Tom and Danny.

"yeah, better go look on the bright side now, we're finding out Toms lyrics today." Danny managed a smile, wandering into the studio we were using yesterday. Tom was by the piano, playing his new song already, at least he was getting into the spirit of things.

403 Harrys POV

I put Dougie down on the sofa next to my drum kit, letting him catch my hand in his, holding onto my fingers, keeping me standing next to him. "got the chords Tom?" Danny asked, standing next to the piano, looking awkward, but trying to look relaxed. "yeah, wrote them all out." Tom handed Danny the papers, our names labelled above each one, telling us which one was which. "thanks, wheres the lyrics?" Dougie looked through his paper, not finding a bit with lyrics on. "oh, erm, must have forgotten them...sorry." Tom looked through his bag, not finding anything.

"never mind, can you remember them and write them down now?" I suggested, not even realising that I was playing with Dougies hair. It was almost a nervous tick now. "no, not all of it. I'll bring them tomorrow." Tom shook his head, staring at the piano keys, pressing on them so lightly no sound was made. "alright then, well, we've got enough to be working on here anyway." I stopped myself from playing with Dougies hair, sitting down by my drum kit.

So then, we set to work on learning all of our parts of this song, really starting to like it. The more we played it, the more it came together, and the better it sounded. I wished I knew what the lyrics were, so the whole thing could be complete, be heard as a whole, so we knew just how good this was. "can you remember any of the lyrics? Just to sing now, so we know how it goes, so we know how the performance will go down?" I asked while we had a break, bouncing Dougie gently on my knee, unable to stop my leg from bouncing, even with the little boy on it. At least Dougie seemed to enjoy it a bit.

"no, not where everything is supposed to be. I'll bring the lyrics tomorrow." Tom shook his head, still playing with his guitar, playing the songs chords over and over. "awesome, can't wait to hear them." Danny smiled, it wasn't even half of the usual megawatt grin, but, it was still a smile, and that was good enough.

The next day, Tom forgot the lyrics again, Tommy was starting to get annoyed with him, saying we needed them to learn. If we didn't have the lyrics, Tom was going to have to sing the whole song the whole way through, I'm sure he didn't really want that, he didn't like singing much anymore. "I-I'm sorry, I just keep on forgetting." Tom whispered, scratching his arm again. "well, can you _please _remember the lyrics tomorrow? We've only got two days before the performance, we don't want you to sing the whole way through, do we?" Tommy sighed, I think he was realising that his words hurt Tom, by shouting at him, he was making him want to cut again. According to Carrie, he had been good and not done anything since his hospital trip, so I guessed that was good. "well, we were thinking that maybe you should sing it the whole way through. Its your song, maybe it would be good for you to sing it." Danny directed that to Tom, ignoring Tommy.

"really? I, er..." Tom looked momentarily stunned, before he snapped out of it, looking quite worried now. "yeah, we think it should be your song, I've got Don't Know Why, Dougs got Silence Is A Scary Sound, why don't you have your own song too?" Danny encouraged, his hands going out to Tom, then whipping back as he thought the better of it. "I have She Falls Asleep." Tom whimpered a little, backing himself into his corner by his piano, looking so small and tiny by himself. I wanted to go over and hug him, I think we all did, he just looked so _helpless. _"small details Tom, really, sing this by yourself, you'll enjoy it, I'm sure." Danny encouraged, honestly twitching and almost radiating the need to go over and wrap little Tom into his arms.


	205. Chapter 205

**FLOYNTERxxx - thats okay, have fun on holiday!**

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404 Toms POV

My skin was crawling as everyone looked at me, I hated being looked at more than anything else in the world, why were they looking at me like that? Couldn't they go away now? Danny, Harry, Dougie and Tommy had made their point, could they leave me alone in my corner until home time now? "what do you say to it? Singing by yourself, of course we'll all still be there, but, what do you say to singing solo?" Danny smiled, using the kind, caring, nervous smile he always used. _They don't want to sing, they know this song is terrible! They'll put the blame on your bad singing!_ Maybe that was for the best? So if everyone really did think it was bad, we could just blame it on my bad singing voice and never play it again, that could work, right?

"y-yeah, okay." I felt my insides tighten at the thought, knowing I was going to disgust everyone, with all the cameras pointing at me, documenting my failure. _They'll brush it off as you being a pathetic singer, and ban you from singing ever again. _That wouldn't be too bad, maybe at shows I could hide off stage, it wasn't like I was getting noticed at concerts anyway, maybe this would turn out to be a good thing in the end.

"okay, now that thats sorted, I think you should be getting back to playing. We'll do some singing practise tomorrow." Tommy thankfully stopped the conversation then, making everyone go back to their places. Danny went and sat on a sofa on the opposite side of the room, Harry sat at his drum kit, and Dougie sat on his chair next to Harry, all of which faced me. Could they just turn away, please? I didn't want to be looked at, or anything, could they just look away? I didn't like being looked at, or being in front of people, it wasn't right to put me in front of people anymore. _There's nowhere to go though, you have to stay here. _

I whimpered quietly, but shut up quickly as Isaac, who played piano for us, came up. "I-Is it alright if I sit here?" I whispered, not wanting to intrude too much, and give him a choice if he wanted to sit with me behind him. "no..." _I could have told you that one was coming, get moving, go sit in a cupboard where you're not seen. _"only kidding! Yeah, sit there, no worries man." Isaac laughed, sitting at the piano. _He wasn't kidding, just saw your sad face and let you stay out of pity. _I knew that, I would have moved anyway, but all the other corners either had junk in them or were occupied already. This was the only space left I could half hide in, pretend that I wasn't here.

Soon, Harry counted us in and we started playing again, and I let myself think that this song didn't sound too bad, almost exactly like it did inside my head. It was just as heavy as I wanted it to be, quiet when it needed to, exactly how I wanted it. _You'll ruin it with your voice. _Well, I would, but at least the backing track would sound alright, so it was half way to enjoyable. _As long as you don't mess it up, like always. _That was a point, was I going to get it right? Probably not, pressure and knowing there were cameras about never really worked in my favour.

As soon as I thought that, my fingers fumbled, completely making me lose track of where I was, my guitar making a horrible screeching sound. "sorry!" I stopped the screeching sound, seeing Danny staring at me out the corner of my eye, feeling everyones eyes on me. "sorry, I messed that up." I apologised again, tugging my fringe over my eyes, hiding my face, and the angry looks I was no doubt getting now.

"its alright, so, start from the beginning again?" Harrys voice was heard, then the sound of him counting us in, the piano starting again. But again, I got to the chorus, and completely messed it up, I did it again and again, either getting a chord wrong or completely messing it up. _This is all your fault! You're going to mess up this whole performance! _"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I held in the need to cry, my skin crawling and itching for sharp objects. My thighs were practically screaming at me, all I needed to do was grab my bag and run to the toilet, I could relieve the pressure, stop all this screaming and itching. But I couldn't! I didn't have enough plasters with me, I forgot about plasters! I would bleed too much and it would end up all over my jeans, and then it would be seen, and I would be kicked out of this band for having too many ugly scars. _Uglier than your face you mean? _Could that voice shut up?! I didn't even want to _think _about what everyone else was seeing, along with hearing, I just wanted to cut my thighs to shreds, stop this screaming, stop everything! Couldn't everything just _stop? _

"Tom, Tom, honey, are you alright?" Dannys voice came through, a hand resting on my shoulder. "yeah, fine!" I pushed out through gritted teeth, wanting to hear him say that he would sing this d*mn song and that we were going home. "you don't look it, want to leave this for now and go home? We can carry on tomorrow, when you're less tired." Danny thankfully said that, but ruined it by wrapping me into his arms, like I would want to hug him. _Of course you do, you always want to hug him, even after he breaks your heart. _Well he didn't need to know that, or encourage it! "right, we're going home, you need some rest." Danny sighed, picking me up, but let me go afterwards, letting me hurry to the car, jumping in it and clawing at my hair, needing to do _something _to tide me over until I was alone.

The car journey home felt like it took years, my whole body was trembling with need, I was going to explode if I didn't get my pain soon! Finally, _finally _we got home, I ran into my house before the car had even stopped, running straight past Carrie upstairs, grabbing my blanket on the way to the bathroom. "Tom? Whats up? Where are you going?" Carrie called, I ignored her, slamming the door shut and practically falling to the floor, scrambling wildly to get my trousers out of the way, pushing the blade into my thigh, feeling _ so much _better afterwards. "Tom? What are you doing in there? Is everything okay?" Carrie sounded scared, but it barely registered, all I could think about was the razor, and how good it felt to have the release I needed so badly. "Tom! Please, answer me, what are you doing?" Carries voice came through the door again, the sound of the door knob being twisted actually registering inside my head. _We're going to be found out. _Was all the voice said as the door burst open, Carrie stumbling through and gasping loudly at the sight she saw.

405 Dannys POV

Tom had looked truly awful by the end of that, truly, truly awful. He had been so pale, so close to tears, looking like he wanted to tear himself apart, we couldn't let him go on like that, it would have been cruel to make him carry on. The poor guy didn't look any better now, curled up inside himself, shaking like he was in an earthquake, pulling at his hair. I wanted to pull him over to me, hold him in my arms and make him realise that it was okay, calm him down and make him realise that its okay to mess up a little. We all made mistakes sometimes, Tom was no different, he just tried so hard to be perfect at everything he did he couldn't take making even a little mistake.

It was torture sitting in the car, just watching Tom have a break down, or something, inside his own head, he battled with himself so much, how he wasn't hurting himself I don't know. He must have been so strong, or Carrie was just very good at calming the poor guy down, something I couldn't do. "it'll be fine Danny, stop worrying. Toms going to go home, and probably have a talk with Carrie, or do something with Carrie that will calm him down, and then go to bed. He'll be back on top form again tomorrow." Harry whispered in my ear, rubbing my arm gently. "I hope so, I really do. He's tearing himself apart." I whimpered, my whole body screaming to me to get Tom into my arms, to hold him until he was happy and calm, and maybe fast asleep too, so he could rest for a while, in the arms of someone who loved him so much, who would protect him from his demons.

"thats because he 'messed up' in the studio, tomorrow will be better, how about if we make a few 'mistakes' to make him feel like he's not the only one who makes mistakes? Will that make you feel better too?" Harry suggested, sometimes, he was a genius, I swear. "yeah, that could help. Thanks for the idea." I managed a smile, glancing at Tom as we pulled up to the house. The car hadn't even stopped and he was already out and running into his house, slamming the door. "okay...any idea what the hell that was? I haven't seen him move that quick in weeks!" Tommy looked confused, staring at the front door to Toms house. "erm, Tom just needs some alone time right now. He's very low at the moment." I sighed, wanting to follow the boy.

I would have followed him in a heartbeat, but knowing that we weren't together, and I was stupid enough to make him believe that I didn't love him, it was probably a very bad idea. It had been a risk just to go over and hug him earlier, I was surprised I didn't get my head bitten off for trying, but I guess Tom was just too upset to even think straight, if his head was actually recovered from his last hospital trip. "oh, alright. I pushed him a little too hard today, didn't I?" Tommy turned to face us, we nodded. "a little bit. Just be a little gentler, thats all." Harry advised, fiddling with Dougies headband, revealing just how worried he was.

"alright, cheers guys. Well, I think its time you lot all went to bed, its getting late." Tommy pushed us out the car, giving us an encouraging smile. "Danny, stop worrying too. You'll never get to sleep if you don't stop worrying." Tommy ruffled my hair, getting back into the car and driving off. "take that advise Dan, Carrie has this covered. Tom will be alright tomorrow, and just think, you hugged him today, thats a bit of progress." Harry encouraged. "yeah, I did, didn't I?" I felt myself smiling a little, having Tom in my arms, even just for a few seconds, had been heaven. Even though he had been almost in tears. He was still my Tommy, he felt the same as usual, maybe just a little skinner than usual, but still like my Tommy. Now if I could talk to him at some point, get through to him, maybe I would be able to hold him in my arms forever, make him forget all about this.


	206. Chapter 206

**no comments but updating because of 13 views and in case someone does comment tomorrow while i'm out watching McFly at Kings Hill**

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406 Toms POV

"Tom! What the hell have you done?!" Carrie looked horrified, dropping down by my side, staring at my bloodied legs. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry... I can't help it!" I whimpered, keeping hold on my razor, like it was the only thing keeping me holding on. "oh Tom, you've got to stop this! You're ruining yourself, worrying all of us." Carrie whispered, hesitantly putting her hands on me. _You've terrified her, great job. _"I'm sorry." It was all I could say, knowing I was now well and truly found out, and it was all my fault, I should have locked the door. "right, lets clean you up and then we'll talk about this, like you should have done in the first place. You shouldn't be doing this to yourself, you should be talking to us." Carrie grabbed a towel, not noticing I was still holding onto the razor, "this is going to sting, but, its got to be done." She warned, putting the towel gently against my leg, wiping away the blood.

She was right though, it stung like mad, like when I left them without putting a plaster over them, and ran around in jeans. It hurt so much, but it helped, helped get rid of the emotion I had been feeling before. Soon, most of the blood was gone, and the cuts stopped bleeding, revealing the hatred I had inflicted upon myself over and over again. "oh my god... how long have you been doing this for?" Carrie asked, her eyes wide. I shrugged, not really wanting to answer. "Tom, look at me, how long have you been doing this? It looks like a long time, you're covered!" Carrie was in tears, trying to bring my face to look at her. But, I couldn't look at her, I had made her cry, made her so upset, she wasn't supposed to find out about this. "Tom, _please, _tell me, how long? I'm not going to be mad, I just want to help." Carrie hugged me, I let her, wondering when she was going to give up on me.

I knew I was too much to handle, just a stupid f*ck up, who just messed up every single thing I ever tried to do._ Ohhh you finally believe that, taken you a while to realise that, hasn't it? _ How long would it be before Carrie left me too? She would surely give up on me too, like our parents did, like Danny, Harry, Dougie, and basically every else did. _She's going to give up, don't you worry, she's going to give up when she realises just how much work you are. Then you'll be all alone, just like you should be. _"I don't want to talk about it." I whispered, really not wanting to talk about it. If I didn't talk about it, maybe Carrie wouldn't realise how much I messed up, and would stay. I just wanted someone to stay with me, thats all, I just wanted someone who liked me. Someone who didn't judge me, didn't cheat on me, didn't lie to me, someone like the person I had thought Danny was. Thats all, couldn't I just have that, even if it was just Carrie?

"you have to, please, just answer me... and put on some bandages, so they don't get infected." Carrie handed me a bandage, I obeyed, wrapping my leg in the white itchy fabric almost expertly. That was one thing I was good at, wrapping my leg up in bandages. "come with me, we'll go somewhere less... bloody, and change your jeans, they're covered." Carrie pulled me up by my hand, taking me to my wardrobe, making me change into my more comfortable pyjama bottoms, then taking me to the front room.

"now, come on, how long have you been doing this?" Carrie asked, sitting me in front of her, facing me square on. I squirmed, not liking it when I was looked at, especially with this amount of concern. "please, don't make me remember, I don't want to remember." I whimpered, not wanting to remember anything about this. "has it been a long time?" Carrie sighed, holding my hand, I still had the razor squeezed in the other. "yeah, quite long." I admitted, forcing myself to sit here and get this over with. I felt so guilty for doing this, I shouldn't have let myself be caught, I shouldn't have even started this, I couldn't stop now. _Its your fault, don't let yourself be forgiven. _I wasn't going to, I didn't deserve to be forgiven for doing this, I didn't want forgiveness, I just wanted Carrie to forget, or just not tell anyone. "don't tell anyone, please. Don't tell anyone." I pleaded, she probably would, Danny did. Just went and told everyone the next day, didn't even give me a chance to realise that he knew.

"I have to tell someone, the others have to know." Carrie sighed, squeezing my fingers. "no they don't. They don't have to know anything. This is my problem, leave them out of it." I warned, there was no way I letting Danny know, so he could act like he actually cared, and hover over me all day like I was completely incapable of looking after myself. "alright, we'll talk about that more tomorrow... now, spill, what started this off? How long did you actually last between your arm and your legs?" Carrie asked, giving me so concerned puppy eyes. I hissed, I hadn't even lasted a day. Only a few hours, from the morning when we decided it to stop until the evening, after the show. Thats all I had lasted, and I had pretended that I was a good little boy who was stopping, getting rewards when I should have never gotten a reward for not doing anything good. For the past 9 weeks, I had been getting rewards and praise, when I shouldn't have gotten any of it, I should have been severely punished for carrying on like this. My chest tightened at the thought, knowing that I shouldn't have gotten any of the rewards I got for 'stopping' I had lied to everyone for weeks, made them think I was being good, when I was still tearing myself apart.

"a few hours, I'm sorry, I can't stop, I know its wrong, but I can't stop, I just can't stop! Theres something wrong with me, theres got to be, theres something wrong! I need to stop this, but I can't! I should be punished for this, please don't forgive me, please don't forgive me! You can't forgive me, please don't forgive me!" a damn burst inside my chest, making me suddenly spill tears and words. I couldn't help it, just looking at Carries concerned gaze, and her hands squeezing my own made me burst, falling into her lap, unable to have the strength to pull back and leave her alone. I just felt _so guilty _for lying, for getting praise and rewards when I should have been punished terribly for slicing myself open. "I'm sorry! But its all so wrong! Its just so wrong! Its all my fault! Don't forgive me, please don't!" I cried, hugging her close, wanting to just scream that I was sorry. "okay, okay, shh, Tom, shhh." Carrie sighed, stroking my hair calmingly. "don't forgive me, please don't. Its wrong, don't forgive me." I begged, over and over, unable to say anything else. I couldn't say anything else for hours, until I ran out the little energy I had left. "I'm so sorry, don't forgive me." I whispered, before I managed to pass out, just wishing that I wouldn't be alone when I woke up in the morning. Like that night, two weeks ago, breaking my heart all over again.

407 Dannys POV

Tommy was right, I couldn't sleep through worry, I spent all night awake, pacing back and forth. I needed to know Tom was okay, he HAD to be okay! Carrie would have sorted him out, right? Carrie would have cheered Tom up, wouldn't she? And Tom would have had a sleep too, so he was more alert today, right? Oh I couldn't wait any longer! I had to see Tom! It was 9am anyway, Carrie at the very least would be awake! But... I should text her first, just to make sure everything was okay.

It took 10 painful minutes for her to reply, telling me that Tom was sleeping, that he had a bad night, and she didn't really want to talk about it, but she didn't want Tom going out today. I asked her why, and she replied that she just didn't think it was best to let him go out, that if we really needed to practise, to come round to theirs instead. I was in my shoes and out the door in minutes, managing just about to slow down at the door, and walk in calmly.

"how is he?" I whispered, creeping into the front room, find Carrie sat on the sofa, little Tom laying on her lap, curled up in his blanket, sleeping like she said. "well, sleeping to start off with, at last. It took a while, but, I got him there in the end." Carrie sighed, playing with the blanket, running her hand soothingly over her brothers shoulder. "what happened?" I asked, crouching down, wiping a hand over Toms cheek gently, it still looked a little blotchy from crying. "I can't say. I made a promise to not say a word." Carrie shook her head. "oh, can't you tell me at all? Give me a hint at least? Was it to do with yesterdays rehearsal?" I hated the fact that I wasn't the one in on the loop, the one who Tom was laying on, the one who helped him out. I would have given anything to be back to that place, so I could just tell Tom that I loved him, that I would keep him safe, make him happy.

"sort of about yesterday, but I can't say anything else apart from that." Carrie sighed again, couldn't she just tell me?! Surely I could know what was going on in Toms head! "d*mn, is it why you don't want him going out today?" I asked, Carrie nodded. "yeah, I don't want him going out today, I want him somewhere that I can keep an eye on him, that everyone can. And I don't want him somewhere that will stress him out." Carrie explained, giving me a slight idea on what happened. "he's cut, hasn't he?" to be honest, I wasn't surprised, it wasn't like Tom was just going to do that cut that ended up with him in hospital and never do it again.

"yeah, sorta. I've sorted it out, don't worry about the actual marks." Carrie smiled reassuringly, Tom whimpered and shuffled in sleep, making the noises that signalled nightmares. "shhh Tommy, shhh, its a dream." I whispered, automatically going to his aid, grabbing hold of the hand sticking out of the blanket, "go back to sleep baby, I'm here, its okay." I risked it, leaning forward, kissing Toms head gently. His heavy breathing slowed again, his body relaxed, going back to sleep. "there were go, sleep tight." I ran my thumb over his cheek, unable to help but think that Tom looked so cute, I had missed seeing this so much. Just seeing Tom when he wasn't an emotional wreck, or glaring at me, was such a good feeling. "I'll get you back soon, I swear, I'll get you back soon, and we'll forget all about this." I promised, promising myself silently that I would make Tom feel better, and make him smile again. He would smile again, even if it was the last thing I made him do.


	207. Chapter 207

**xxPUDDxx - it has been! did you have fun in Ireland? and thank you so much for saying that, it means so much to me! :D**

**Guest - thank you as well, it honestly means the world to me that you think that, you've given me a massive smile on my face and made my day!**

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408 Harrys POV

The next couple of days rehearsals were done at Toms house, simply because Carrie wanted to keep Tom there, for some reason that only the two of them knew about. Tom himself was quieter than usual, jumpier too, constantly looking like he wanted to rip himself to shreds at any second. The only way to stop it was to have him play on the piano, or to sit him in front of cartoons, or his sketch book. Those three things kept him sane, literally, I don't think there would have been a Tom left without any one of those three things.

Also, Carrie followed him like a shadow, where Tom went, Carrie went too. I wanted to know what the hell had happened between the two of them, but it seemed like Carrie was guarding him, documenting every single move Tom made, holding onto his hand a lot too. "so, Carrie, are you coming with us to the performance tomorrow?" I asked, breaking the slightly awkward silence between the four of us. "yeah. I'm coming, for moral support and all that." Carrie smiled, sitting next to Tom on the floor as he drew in his book, completely engrossed in it.

"cool." Dougie spoke up for the first time that day, at Toms, it seemed like he had his tongue cut out. He barely said a word, just curled up to me at any available moment, like he was making sure I was still here. "yeah, it'll be fun, won't it Tom?" Carrie gently brought Tom out of his world, he nodded and went back to drawing again. Tom barely spoke either, just mostly sat there, playing when he needed to, getting it note perfect, even though he looked ready to fall asleep.

And thats how our days went until the show day, we had to be there by 10am for some strange reason, considering we weren't playing until 1 in the afternoon. But, we did it anyway, deciding to see if we could sleep in the dressing room. Dougie managed it quite well, falling asleep on my lap, finally catching some sleep, his nightmares had been getting worse, I was sure that the both of us had collectively slept for about an hour last night.

Danny managed to find a spot on a chair to fall asleep in too, and Tom managed to crawl under a table and fall asleep there, Carrie sitting in front of him like a guard. "do you think that Tom will be able to sing today? He hasn't sung once yet in front of us." I asked, playing with Dougies hair, noticing that he was clutching onto his toy dinosaur. "I think he'll be fine. He's sung in front of me a few times, testing out the lyrics. He'll be on top form for the performance, don't worry." Carrie leant against the table, deflating the first time in three days. "you sure?" I wanted to check, make sure. "yeah, he'll be fine. I've dosed him up on medication and made sure he's well slept. Just remind him that its your last performance for about two months if he looks wobbly." Carrie advised, putting me at a bit more ease. Now if this performance actually went well, it would be a miracle.

409 Dougies POV

Harry woke me up about twenty minutes before the performance, so Mellissa could do my hair and make up. He stayed with me too, giving me as much as support and courage as he could, always keeping his hands on me, making sure I knew he was there. If Harry walked away from me right now, I was actually going to faint. I was just so worried for Tom, he was practically silent, I was scared he wasn't going to get through this performance, I was almost sure he wasn't going to make it through this performance. He hadn't even sung in front of us, how was he going to cope in front of the audience and the cameras?

My nerves heightened even more as we got to the studio, I was actually shaking, almost staring at a surprising cool Tom. "good luck guys, break a leg out there. Its our last one for a few months, so, make it a good one." Tommy encouraged unhelpfully, didn't he know this was going to be terrible?! "Dougie, breathe, its going to be alright. Carrie thinks its going to be okay, and I trust her." Harry whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead, adjusting my bandana a little. "what if its not?" I squeaked out, shoving my hand in my pocket for my dinosaur. "Doug, we'll come to that if anything goes wrong, now have we practised and practised?" Harry made me nod, "and have you got your dinosaur?" I nodded again, "then it shall be fine. This thing brings luck, right? So it'll be fine." Harry smiled a little, framing my face in his large hands.

"I don't need the luck though, Tom does." I brought it out of my pocket, looking at it like it had all the answers. "then give it to him, go on, go and give him some luck." Harry advised, pushing me gently towards my fellow band mate. "T-Tom, I brought my lucky dinosaur... do you want it for this?" I said just above a whisper, being met with a confused face. "er..." Tom looked very confused, like he had no idea what to say. "yes, thanks Doug." Carrie took it off my hand and put it in Toms jacket pocket, smiling at me, I managed a smile back before the urge to hide inside Harry took over. "didn't go too badly, did it?" Harry smiled, just as we got called on.

"good luck, I love you." He whispered, sitting at his drum kit, giving me a smile from there until I turned and faced the crowd. "and singing their new song, its McFLY!" the presenter smiled, the crowd cheered, the music started, and Tom started singing.

I'm gettin' tired of asking,

is this the final time?

So did I make you happy?

Cause' you cried an ocean

There's a thousand lines

about the way you smile

written in my mind

but every single word's a lie

I never wanted everything to end this way

But you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey

I swore to you that I would do my best to change

But you said it don't matter

I'm looking at you from another point of view

Don't know how the hell I fell in love with you

I would never wish anyone to feel the way

I do

Is the sign from heaven

showing me the light?

was this supposed to happen?

I'm better off without you

so you can leave tonight

and don't you dare come back

and try to make things right

cause I'll be ready for a fight

Yeah

I never wanted everything to end this way

But you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey

I swore to you that I would do my best to change

You said it don't matter

I'm looking at you from another point of view

Don't know how the hell I fell in love with you

I would never wish anyone to feel the way

I do

I never wanted everything to end this way

But you can take the bluest sky and turn it grey

I swore to you that I would do my best to change

You said it don't matter

I'm looking at you from another point of view

Don't know how the hell I fell in love with you

I would never wish anyone to feel the way

I do

you said and you said and you said and you said

do, I do, do, I do, I do, do, I do

you said and you said and you said

you said it don't matter

It was beautiful, Toms voice was beautiful, filled with so much power and emotion, it was heart breaking but beautiful. It was like we were looking into his heart, seeing how badly he was broken, how much our 'affair' had broken his heart, and now he was giving it his all, like this song was his whole life.

The sheer emotion by the third chorus was enough to make me want to cry, Tom almost was crying, the tears there, never escaping his eyes as he belted out every note like it was his last. I was left speechless by the end, the three of us were, completely in awe of the sudden life in Tom, and from the song itself. It was almost like all the emotion Tom had been feeling the past few days had been bottled up and had exploded into this performance. And _wow _it was mind blowing.


	208. Chapter 208

**i'm back from the gig and i'm absolutely exhausted but it was SO DAMN GOOD! i'm telling you, McFly never disappoint, ever! i am completely buzzing from that! :D**

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410 Dannys POV

I was speechless, I couldn't actually speak, honestly, no words were forming in my head at all. That song, that song was _amazing, _it was mind blowing, it was heart breaking. I had done that, I had caused that song to be written, had caused the heart break that had made it come to life. That was how Tom felt, Tom actually felt like _that. _And the emotion in his voice, that emotion had been incredible, it was more emotion than he ever sung with before. That was the voice of real heart break...because of me. I felt so guilty, so, so guilty. Especially when we got off stage, and Tom ended up in tears in his dressing room, clear to hear through the paper thin wall separating us.

"Dan, go in and help him, this could be your chance, go!" Harry encouraged, so I did, running through to his dressing room, falling to his side. But when I got there, I didn't know what to do, I usually did, but this was me causing this to happen to him, I had caused these tears, all that emotion, what did I say to make that better? "go away Danny!" Tom spoke up before me, pushing me away with his weak hands. "no Tommy, please, I want to help. I'm so sorry I hurt you like this." I seemed to find a few words at last. "no you're not! Get out!" Tom whimpered, he looked so angry at me again.

"I am, I am so sorry, so, so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like that." I crawled closer again, putting my hand on his bandaged arm, how many times had this been redone now? How many more cuts were there on his arm? How many had I caused? My skin crawled, giving me that screaming voice telling me to punish myself. I ignored it the best I could, I had to focus on Tom, and help him first. "liar! Just get out, go away, I don't want you touching me." Tom growled, the anger in his eyes, I had never seen him so angry, never. And to know it was directed at me, well, that was almost too much to bare.

"please, Tom, I'm not going anywhere. Just, let me help you, please." I begged, I just wanted to help, make Tom realise that I cared for him, that I wanted to help him. "no, get out! You've done enough!" Tom turned to Carrie, like she was going to help him, I hoped to god she didn't kick me out. "Tom, please, I'll never forgive myself if I don't try and help you." I pleaded, putting my hand on Toms thigh. Toms reaction to that was to writhe and almost scream in pain, barely keeping the sound inside himself.

"Tom... whats wrong with your leg?" I worried, was that just a reaction to me, or was there something wrong with his leg? "none of your business." Tom hissed, shakily standing up, wobbling on his two feet, even with Carrie supporting him. "Tom, I love you, tell me whats happened." I let those words slip out, I hadn't said them in a week. "don't even GO there, don't you dare tell me you love me! You f*cking don't, didn't you hear that song? Didn't you hear the lyrics? I hate you right now, so much. So don't you dare lie to me like that." Tom growled, shattering my heart, running out. I didn't even have enough of my mind left to run after him. Those words...those words...Tom _hated _me, actually admitted it. He hated me! I, I didn't even know what to say, or do.

It was like my whole world shattered then, my heart went first, then the world fell to pieces, the whole world actually broke apart, I couldn't see anything apart from Toms angry face, couldn't hear anything other than that song, and Toms words...Tom hated me, Tom actually hated me... I fell to the floor, gasping for breath, my lungs had gone, I couldn't breathe. "Danny, whats happened? What just happened?" Harrys voice came from somewhere, bringing me back half way to reality. "Tom hates me." I wheezed, feeling my chest burst with emotions, my skin crawl wildly, my whole body shutting down, apart from those images and those words and lyrics...and the feeling of my skin, screaming for the sharp objects. And you know what, I was going to use them, Tom hated me, I couldn't ever change that, no matter how many songs I wrote, how many times I said I love you. It was over, and there nothing I wanted more right now than I be left alone in a room of sharp objects.

411 Toms POV

I ran home, literally the whole way home, not wanting to encounter Danny right now, I couldn't. I had said I hated him, I didn't mean it! I loved him so much, but at that moment, I hated him, for cheating on me and breaking my heart into nothing. Just singing that song, playing with them, realising just how much I hated the fact that there was an affair going on behind my back, caused by me, had made too much emotion rise up inside me. I said things I didn't mean, I hadn't meant to say that! It was just the emotion and the pain from my screaming thighs that made me say it! I would have turned back time and changed it if I could! I shouldn't have said it, I shouldn't have said it!

_You should have! Its all your fault that Danny even had an affair! You should hate him! Why don't you hate him? _Because even though he had an affair, he was the sweetest, most loving guy I had ever known! He pretended to like me for nine years, made me think he loved me for five of them, no-one on this earth would do that apart from him! Thats why I still loved him, no matter how much it hurt! "Tom slow down please! I can't keep up!" Carrie chased after me, running through the field near our house, managing to catch me as I slowed, my legs protesting as my jeans ripped and scratched at my cuts. It should have felt relieving but it didn't, it felt like searing pain, like I was burning.

"stop, just stop. You didn't mean all that, did you?" Carrie heaved, her hand on my arm, keeping me in place. "no! I didn't! I didn't mean any of it, I swear!" I whimpered, tears falling down my face, I couldn't believe I just said that! "good, good, well, when the guys get home, we'll go and apologise to Danny and set things straight, yeah? We'll tell him that you love him really and it was just pure emotion, alright?" Carrie suggested, practically wheezing for breath. Well, we had just run quite a way. "I'm not saying I love him! No, he'll pretend again! He's not going to pretend again!" I shook my head, I wasn't going to tell Danny I loved him! He couldn't fall back into the trap of pretending to love me. He just couldn't! It wouldn't be fair on him at all! "okay, okay, we'll work that out later, lets get inside, its getting cold!" Carrie ran the last of the way to the house with me, the both of us collapsing onto the floor once we made it.

It was just a waiting game from there, waiting for the minivan to drive past, practically tearing my hair out with worry. This wasn't happening, I hadn't told Danny I hated him, I hadn't! I hadn't said a word like that, I couldn't have, I couldn't have lied to him like that! Surely I hadn't lied to him like that? _ You did, you told him you hated him, thats good though, you're even now. He hates you, he thinks you hate him, pretty even I would say. _The monster cackled inside my head, laughing at how distressed I was getting, I was working myself up higher and higher, feeling myself drowning in pure guilt and panic. Everything was screaming at me to release this emotion, but I couldn't! Carrie would never let me get away with it, or let me see Danny if I did! And I had to see Danny right now, to set things straight! I had to! Eventually, the car parked up, I could barely stand waiting there, seeing how Danny was having to lean on both Harry and Dougie to walk, he looked truly awful.

_Its all your fault, you told him you hated him. _I hadn't meant to! It just happened! "Tom, get away from the window, let him get settled at home first, then go round, you've put him through enough in the past hour or so already." Carrie dragged me from the window, making me sit for hours and hours, getting more and more terrified. The longer I left it, the less likely Danny was going to believe when I said I didn't hate him! I really didn't hate him! I hated what he did to me, but not him as a person! Why couldn't I have just said that? Why did I have to ruin it and say that stupid thing? I was so stupid, so, so stupid, it was all my fault!

"Tom, I think you should go over now. But if he's sleeping, don't wake him up, alright? And if anything happens, come straight here, don't run off, alright?" Carrie opened the front door at last, I ran as fast as I could over there, bursting through the door and manically searching for Danny, or any signs of him through my tear filled eyes. With every passing minute that I couldn't find him, I got more and more panicky, getting worse and worse until I burst through his bathroom door, and screamed.

Danny was laying on the floor, blood pooling around his arm, staining his clothes and his hoodie, and my name, it was written in the middle of the pool. 'Tom I love you' written in the messy red pool, it was the stuff of nightmares. It was worse than my nightmares, it was terrible, it was my fault. "Danny! Danny wake up! Danny!" I cried, shaking him, getting a groan. "Danny no! Danny please wake up! I love you too Danny, I love you too!" it hit me that Danny did love me, no-one would have done this for someone they hated. They wouldn't have done this! Not even someone as kind as Danny, no...he loved me! What had I done?!_ You've killed him!_ "T-Tommy?" Danny whispered so weakly I barely heard him. "its me, its me, I'm here." I cried frantically, hearing someone else, sounding very Dougie like, scream and a thud to the floor. "I-I love you Tommy." Danny whispered again, putting his bloodied hand on my cheek. "I-I love you too! I didn't mean it, I didn't mean to say that I hated you! I swear I love you, I swear! Please, don't die, please, you can't die!" I sobbed, grabbing hold of his hand and squeezing, not caring right now I was covered in Dannys blood, just the fact that he was now dying in my arms!

Roughly I got shoved out the way, people in green jumpsuits rushing in and surrounding Danny, they were shouting at each other, but I couldn't hear them, this was all too much. Danny loved me, but he cheated on me...then I said I hated him, and now he was almost dead on the floor in front of me! _Its your fault! Its all your fault! _The voice screamed in my head over and over, I knew that! And I was so sorry! I shouldn't have said it! I shouldn't have said anything! I should have let Danny speak, I should have ran into his arms and never let go!

"what happened in there? Can you hear me? What happened in there?" someone in green asked me over and over, "he's in shock, get him into the ambulance too, you two will have to drive to the hospital. Now hurry!" I vaguely felt someone drag me somewhere, it was a blur until the smell of sterilized rooms hit me again, we were in a hospital room now, the people in green now with white lab coated people all running around Danny, trying desperately to save him. I was in the corridor, crying helplessly, watching the scene unfold.

A white coated man threw Dannys hoodie on the floor in my direction. _Everyone is staring at you, they know its all your fault! This is completely your fault! Now pick up that hoodie, its the only type of help your getting. _I picked it up and scrambled in between two chairs, hiding between them, trying to hide from all the eyes staring at me. I could feel them, everyone who walked past stared at me, the doctors and nurses glared, like they knew that was happening inside that room, knew that it was me who caused it. I felt cold all over, I had caused this, it was all my fault, I shouldn't have done this! I was so cold now, so cold, so cold and shaky.

_This is all your fault! If Danny dies its because of you and your stupidity! You should have noticed he loved you, you shouldn't have said you hated him! You stupid, stupid, stupid boy! You're worthless you are, worse than scum! You're a killer! _The voices level got higher and higher inside my head, screaming so loudly until there was a constant ringing in my ears. I couldn't hear anything around me, everything inside me telling me to run away and never come back. _Do it! Run away! Run away now! Run away you worthless scumbag! Its all your fault! Run away before Harry and Dougie find you! You've just about killed their lover! RUN! _

I ran, running as fast as I could out of the hospital, as far away as possible, running until the voice shut up. Running until I physically couldn't run anymore, running away from any hope of ever being forgiven even in the slightest for this. _Don't you EVER return, you must never return, EVER! _And that time, the voice was the sound Harry and Dougie, screaming at me, making me run even further.


	209. Chapter 209

**Crazy Little Me - thank you so much! but don't cry! *hands tissue* **

**Guest - thank you! :D it means a lot to me to know you really enjoy my writing! :D **

**Guest 2 - thanks, and theres probably about 100 more updates to go on this, then the sequel! :)**

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412 Harrys POV

Somehow, Dougie was in front of me and Carrie as we ran through corridor after corridor, desperately trying to find either Tom or Danny, or at least a doctor who knew how they were doing. We found Danny first, laying unconscious on a hospital bed, doctors surrounding him, checking hundreds of things around him. Danny looked awful on that bed, so painfully pale that his freckles looked black, wires sticking out of him everywhere, a huge bandage covering his arm.

"are you Daniels friends?" a doctor asked as we stood still, staring at Danny. "y-yeah, we are." I stuttered, my grip on Dougie tightening as he started shaking. How didn't we notice that Danny was doing this, just a few rooms away? How didn't we know that this was happening? How did we not notice, why did it have to be Tom who found out? He shouldn't have seen that! This shouldn't have happened! I had thought that Danny was passed out on his bed, completely harmless to himself! I felt so guilty I should have been checking on him!

"Daniel was lucky to be found when he was, just minutes later and we wouldn't have been able to save him, it was touch and go as it was. But, we have managed to stitch up his wounds, and we are currently giving him blood to replace the amount he has lost." The doctor explained, fiddling with one of the many machines. "he's going to make it though, right? He's going to make it?" I asked, not able to take my eyes off of Danny, almost willing him to open his eyes and tell us himself that he would be okay. "he should make it, he'll be fine, as long as he rests a lot and doesn't do open up new wounds, or open up his stitches." The doctor smiled, starting to head out the door.

"wait, Tom was with him too, Tom came in the ambulance cause he was in shock or something. Where is he?" Carrie asked, making me realise that Tom wasn't actually here. Seeing Danny had made my mind go completely blank about him. "er, Tom? What does he look like, I don't think I've seen him." The doctor made me pale in worry. "blonde, really skinny, pale, brown eyes, about Dannys height, would have been crying hysterically, in a complete emotional wreck, probably scratching at his arms." Carrie answered, leaning into me, practically hiding in my side. "erm, I don't think I've seen him, whats his last name? I'll check with the nurses, see if there's anything on the records." The doctor went out as we told him Toms name, leaving us to wait inside with Danny and the constant beeping, the noise telling us that he was still alive.

"I've asked around, none of the nurses recall a Tom Fletcher being in here today. Are you sure that the paramedics took him in the ambulance?" the doctor looked worried too now, but it was only a fraction of what we were feeling, where the hell had Tom gone? And why hadn't anyone been watching him? Someone should have been looking after him for shock, or whatever it was the paramedic said he had! Why hadn't they treated him, or at least got him into a room or a bed to keep an eye on him? "he defiantly came here in the ambulance! We saw him get in! He can't have possibly gone anywhere else!" Carrie whimpered, her hand reaching out for mine, shaking.

"well, we'll send out a search for him, see if he's in the hospital anywhere. He could have just wandered off for a while." The doctor tried to give us a reassuring smile, it did nothing. "but Toms not the type of person you can leave on his own! You can't just leave him, he won't wander off, he'll run off and we won't be able to find him again!" Carrie cried, the obvious worry for her poor brother getting too much, falling into our arms. "oh...he wasn't the one who disappeared for a year, was he?" the doctor seemed to have a brainwave, we nodded. "right, well we'll have a look for him, and see what happens, just sit tight and don't jog your friend here. You must be careful with him, he'll be weak, and possibly a little out of it when he wakes up" The doctor disappeared out the door, leaving us to fall into the chairs, and worry for both Tom and Danny, hoping the both of them were safe, and we would actually see them both alive again.

413 Dougies POV

Hours past, and there was no sign of Tom, no-one at the hospital could find him, now they were checking security tapes for any sign of if he arrived and how long ago he disappeared. Danny still wasn't awake yet, he was still laying dead still on his bed, on his third bag of replacement blood. He hadn't even moved, no matter how many times we begged him to wake up. "Danny, please, come on, we need you. Come on, wake up!" I whispered, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, squeezing Dannys hand, trying to think of something that would hopefully wake up him without hurting him.

"Dougie, its not helping, come here. Let Danny have some space, like the doctors said to." Harry sighed, carefully picking me up and putting me onto his lap. "I-I need to d-do something!" I whimpered, I felt useless, completely useless. We were just sitting here, waiting for something to happen, while Danny was laying there, half dead or something, and Tom...we didn't even know where Tom was! He could be anywhere right now, and we had no idea where that was! He was on his own, probably scared out of his mind, tearing himself apart with guilt, and we were just sitting here!

"I know, but right now, all we can do is let the security take care of things, and wait for Danny to wake up. He'll wake up soon, but just remember, he'll probably be like Tom the other week, alright?" Harry sighed, rubbing his hand over my side, kissing my hair. "I-I know... can't you do something though? Is there anything anyone can do?" I whimpered, curling up to hide in Harrys chest, unable to even look at Danny right now. All those wires, sticking inside his pale body... I couldn't bear to look at him, even though I really should have been, I just couldn't though. "no, there isn't. I'm sorry Dougs, but its best if we let Danny recover in his own time." Harry explained, putting his arm around Carrie too as she leant against him. She had stayed with us, in case Tom was found, so she could help him the second he was in need of a friendly familiar face.

"what about Tom though?" I asked, really, what about Tom? Danny was safe here, Tom wasn't safe! "the security round here will find him, don't worry." Harry sighed. "what if he's not here though? They've already checked once, what if he has run out of here?" I curled closer. "well, then we'll simply get the police involved then. Exactly like last time, it'll be fine." Harry explained, he looked so worried, but quite calm at the same time. "it better be!" I whimpered, wanting to cry, but barely holding it in.

"it will be, don't worry. Just calm down Dougie, we'll make it alright in the end." Harry whispered, using his best calming voice possible. I didn't say anything more, hiding inside Harrys neck instead, whimpering quietly, just having his strong arms tighten around us. Hours past again, leaving us sitting there, doctors walking in and out continuously, no signs of Tom making an appearance or Danny waking up.


	210. Chapter 210

**guest - none taken at all! i'm sorry you find that its dragging, i hope it soon picks up for you! :)**

**xxPUDDxx - thank you! and they were as brilliant as always! there was also so much Flones, Pudd, Pones and Junes, and they were all being so funny and they played Not Alone, which i have been dying to hear live for 5 years! it was so worth all the aching pain i'm in today! :D**

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414 Dannys POV

The first thing I felt was my head exploding, making me whine loudly. I attempted to turn over, but there were things tugging on me, I whined again, it hurt! "Danny, are you waking up?" a voice whispered, the world seemed dark, muffled. "Danny? Come on, wake up, please! We need you!" a higher pitched voice whispered, touching my shoulder. "careful Dougs, careful. Remember Tom last time." The deeper voice mumbled, I think. Everything was so muffled, I could only barely hear it.

"okay...Danny, are you awake?" the higher pitched voice said, it sounded scared, so, so scared. I tried to make a sound, only getting a low moan. "don't push it Dan, its okay. We're here." The deeper voice encouraged, a hand held onto my own, linking our fingers together. I moaned again, feeling pain shoot up my arm, making my head pound even harder. "its happening again! Oh god." The higher pitched voice whimpered, a choked sound being heard too. "Doug, it'll get better, just stay here a few minutes, alright? I'll get the doctor." Footsteps ran off, bouncing painfully inside my head. I cried out, hands whipping to my ears, things pulling on my arms, tugging on my skin.

I cried out again, my head exploded so loudly that I almost wanted to scream. "shh Danny, shhh. Its alright, don't cry, don't scream please! Please be okay, you've got to be okay!" the higher voice pleaded, a weight fell onto the bed next to me, something going over my waist, "please be okay Danny, please, we love you so much, we need you! We need you to find Tom, he's so alone!" wait...Tom...he sounded familiar. My heart constricted hearing these sentences, I whimpered again. "T-T-Tooom." I pushed out, the image in my head of a beautiful blonde boy becoming clearer and clearer.

"ah, I see he's making words already. Danny, do me a favour and open your eyes for me?" a new voice asked, putting his hands on my face, trying to move my eyelids open. I whined again and blindly pushed his hands away, I didn't want to open my eyes, it would hurt! "Danny please, open your eyes. Its going to take a minute, thats all, then you can sleep again." The first voice who spoke sighed, taking hold of my hands, pulling them away from the arm I was pushing. "I just need to do a few tests, then you can go back to resting." The voice forced me to open my eyes, the light burnt so much, I almost cried now, it hurt _so much. _

"calm down Danny, please, stay calm. It won't take long. Its going to be alright." A voice soothed, that belonged to a muscular brunette, _Harry. _He was also holding onto his short blonde husband, Dougie...with a curly blonde haired girl next to them, who looked so much like the boy inside my head. A light shone into my eyes then, a brighter one, my eyes being forced to stay open. It stung so much! I didn't even know how loud the sound I made was, writhing about to move my head, or something at least! But I couldn't, every time I moved, something pulled on my skin, yanking it apart. "shh, Danny, it'll go away soon. It'll be okay in a little while, you're doing so well Danny, just a few more minutes." Harry rubbed my shoulder gently, making me stay still until the light went away.

The doctor made me do a few more tests, before going away again, I relaxed again, closing my eyes. I felt so drained right now, like I could sleep for another few hours. "Danny...do you know where Tom is?" Dougie whispered, shaking my shoulder gently. "Tooom." I moaned, where was he? I wanted to see him, my gut was twisting over and over at the thought of where Tom was. Why wasn't he here? Surely he was here, right? He said he loved me...or did I imagine that? I was sure he said he loved me before blackness took over... he loved me, right?

415 Toms POV

I scrubbed wildly on the floor, fighting the tears running down my face, I had to make this clean, had to make it clean! It had to be clean! I couldn't just leave this for someone else to do, I had to clean up this blood, had to make everything better, even just a little bit. _You stupid boy! You stupid stupid boy! Clean it up now! You have to clean it up now! _I was trying! There was just so much! The bath and sink hadn't been too bad, but the floor was a nightmare, complete nightmare! There was so much blood, so much, it was getting all over me too, mixing with the old stuff and my own. My arms and thighs were stinging so much, they were burning so badly, it _hurt. _

_It should hurt! It should be hurting! You have caused so much pain now! You almost killed someone! You stupid, worthless, pathetic boy! You'll never make this better, ever! _"I-I'm sorry, I-I'm so sorry." I cried, I couldn't help it, I didn't have anyone else to talk to, just the voice screaming inside my head, constantly telling me that it was all my fault! I knew it was all my fault, I was trying to correct it, but it wasn't working! I couldn't make it better! I was just trying to make things easier for everyone. I could make it a little better, right? _Of course you can't! _

"Tom? Are you here? I've been looking everywhere!" a voice called, Carries voice, the door closing. Footsteps came towards the bathroom, I jumped as the door opened, scrambling to face Carrie, keeping my face looking at her Doc Martins. "I-I'm sorry! I'll only be a little while, I-I'll be gone soon!" I cried, not wanting to hear her screaming at me too. _She'll scream just you wait, she hates you now, because of your mistake. _"what do you mean Tom? What are you doing, how long have you been here?" Carrie dropped to her knees in front of me. "I-I'm cleaning up my mess...because I have to, then I'll go, I'll leave you alone and won't come back unless you need me. I'll come back even if you want to scream at me, I'll come back if you want to scream at me, if that will make you feel better. Just let me finish cleaning, then I'll clean up Brucie too, cause he's rolled in all of this, and burn the songs so no-one has to look at them ever again." I whispered, cradling my arm a little, it hurt so much, it was stinging from all this movement I was doing, after cutting so many times into it.

"oh Tom, you don't have to, we can do this later, when Dannys better. Now how long have you been here, doing this?" Carrie came a little closer, holding onto my glove covered fingers... I couldn't wash off the blood, I just couldn't do it. I don't know why, but I couldn't wash it off. "a-a while." I whispered, _two hours, and you've got a lot more to do still. _"have you been here since yesterday?" Carrie asked, framing my face with her hands, I pulled my face away. "no." I whispered, I hadn't, honestly! I had gone to the bridge I had hidden under for a while, and then come back here, realising I had to try and make things better first. _But not change your clothes, you must not change your clothes. All you deserve is your blood covered things you're in now. You must keep these on. _

I wasn't going to take them off, I wasn't getting changed, I wasn't washing either, I didn't want to get rid of anything on me. It felt wrong to get it off, having all this blood covering my hands, face, clothes, matting my hair, it was a reminder of what I had done. I couldn't wash that off, it would be wrong, I would forget my mistake. I must never forget my mistake, not until I knew I was forgiven, and I was never going to be forgiven. I knew I was never going to be forgiven. It was all my fault, totally my fault!

"well, I think its time you came with me, we'll get you cleaned up, and we'll go to see Danny, alright? He's asking for you, you know. All he says is your name, he wants to see you a lot." Carrie smiled, _liar! He would never ask for you! You've almost killed him, he isn't asking for you! _"n-no! I'm not going! I won't go!" I cried, pushing her away, getting back to cleaning again, I had to hurry up. I couldn't be here by the time Harry and Dougie came home, they would kill me for this, I couldn't take seeing their angry faces right now, I couldn't take seeing how much I had screwed up right now. "why not Tom? Its Danny, and you love him! He's asking for you, come on, we'll get you cleaned up and we'll go to see him, straight away! The hospital won't do anything to him, or you." Carrie sighed, _tired of your tears already. _

"I-I can't! I just can't! Its wrong!" I scrubbed harder, trying so hard to get rid of these stains, no matter how hard it was to get rid of them! "no its not, come on, it'll be fine, just come with me." Carrie smiled a little, tugging on my hand. "no! I'm not going! I can't go! They're so mad, they're so mad! A-and I can't change, I can't! Not until its okay again! Its not okay!" I shoved her off, carrying on scrubbing, my whole body shaking with so much fear and guilt. "Tom, what are you talking about?" Carrie came closer again, rubbing my back gently. "I-I can't go, I must not go! Not until its right!" I scrambled out of the way, feeling my thighs burn even more, it almost felt like they were on fire. Everything hurt, so much, especially where I cut, my thighs and arm were honestly on fire. "Tom, show me your arm a minute, what have you done to it?" Carrie whispered, bringing my arm to hers, pulling my sleeve up. "I-I tried to make it better, b-but I couldn't go deep enough, I-I tried though!" I begged Carrie to believe me, I begged her to believe that I had tried to make it better on my arms. "oh Tom, this is bad, really bad. You haven't done the same to your legs too, have you?" Carrie looked so scared, _all your fault again! Can you do anything but cause unhappiness?! _

"I-I'm sorry its not enough... I tried! I honestly tried!" I apologised, bringing my arm back, pulling down my sleeve. "come on, you need to come with me, right now. We need these to be seen to." Carrie tugged me none too gently away, I screamed and kicked out, hiding in the corner. "leave me alone! I'm not going anywhere!" I cried, staying pathetically in my corner, refusing to move away, because I couldn't. _Stay right there, don't you dare move, you must not move! Stupid and pathetic boy! _


	211. Chapter 211

**Guest - its okay :) and Tom's acting like this because he is blaming himself for whats happened to Danny, so he doesn't want to cause more trouble and make everyone else angry with him!**

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416 Harrys POV

Carrie went home after the first day, to see if she could find Tom anywhere near the house, or near where he used to hide, leaving me and Dougie with Danny. So far, he hadn't improved much, just about managing to sit up, answering everything with either head nods, or shakes, or just saying Toms name. Thats the only word he said, over and over, 'Tom' like he was asking for him, wanting so badly to see him. I could see it in his eyes, the sadness and need for Tom clear for all to see. "Tom?" Danny said for the hundredth time that day, picking harmlessly at the bandage wrapped tightly around his arm. "he's not here yet Dan, but, Carrie will find him. Or at least someone will. They'll find him, and he'll come here." I sighed, squeezing his hand.

"yeah, they're gunna find him, and you'll have him here soon." Dougie agreed, going back to hiding in my side, almost burrowing himself there, like it was a safe place for him to be. I let him do it, knowing just how much he hated this, it was like last year all over again for him, I doubted Dougie even knew what to do with himself, apart from hideaway in the only safe thing he knew, which was me. "Tom." Danny mumbled, head hitting his bent knees.

"we know, we know." I sighed, rubbing his shoulder gently. I wished Tom would just turn up, if not just to know he was safe, and not out on his own again. And in his current mental state, it was probably the worst thing in the world, to not be able to protect Tom from himself, or the outside world, not even know where he was. In a way, I was glad Danny was in the state he was in, if he wasn't, he would have been going out of his mind. He probably was going out of his mind, but he couldn't voice it. "Danny, do you need a hug?" I asked, he nodded with a loud whimper. I brought him into my arms, rubbing his side gently, not sure what else to say. "Tom!" Danny dragged his name out, whimpering to himself. "they'll find him Dan, don't worry, they'll find him and bring him here. He'll be here soon." I kissed his hair, squeezing his waist, wishing for Tom to walk through the door right now, then get on the bed and tell Danny he loved him again.

My phone vibrated in my pocket loudly, making me jump, Dougie pulled it out of my pocket. "text from Carrie...shes found Tom! He's at home right now!" Dougie squeaked, grinning. "is he? Thank god for that! Hear that Danny, Toms home! He'll be here tomorrow then, I'm sure!" I smiled, relaxing a little, at last, we knew Tom was safe. That was all I wanted to know, that Tom was safe, and he was in the safe hands of his sister. "Tom!" Danny grinned a few seconds later, like it had made the full circle in his head. "did Carrie say anything else?" I asked, feeling Danny nuzzle into my stomach. "yeah, give me a sec...oh, Toms not coming here tomorrow, he's refusing, he's not in a good way at all...Carries going to try again tomorrow, but if that doesn't work, she's going to phone up an ambulance to drag him in." Dougie explained, deflating.

"oh...d*mn it, well, we'll get him here somehow, and thats what matters most, right?" I tried to look on the bright side, Tom would get here somehow, we would get him here...hopefully. Danny whimpered into my stomach, pushing further inside me, almost painfully now. "ow, Danny, lay up a little, please. That hurts." I carefully made him move a little, not wanting to hurt him, or upset him. Danny just tightened the grip he had on my arms, holding me against him. "alright, alright, stay there then. Its okay Dan, it'll get better soon." I sighed, not really knowing what to say. Danny had handled Tom so well when he was in a similar state, but now that Tom wasn't here (and the chances of him willingly coming near us being almost nil) and Danny was in this state, I had barely any idea on what to do. I could usually handle anyone of the three guys when they were upset or crying, but in this state, I had no idea. I just wished that Tom would turn up tomorrow, and make Danny feel better, and that Danny would actually get better himself.

417 Dougies POV

The next day was a very long, very pained wait for Tom, neither of us wanted to leave Danny on his own in hospital, and we didn't know if going home to get Tom would make him worse. It could have made him worse for all we knew, and we most probably would have too. From what Carrie was saying, Tom was an emotional wreck of nerves and guilt, practically tearing his hair out in fear of how angry we were with him for this. Luckily, Danny slept through most of our worry, laying curled up in his duvet, a couple less wires sticking to him than yesterday.

"got a text yet?" I asked quietly, leaning on Harrys shoulder. "no, you would have felt it, or heard it Dougs." Harry sighed, stroking my side, checking his phone for a text anyway. We were just waiting for something to happen, like for Danny to wake up, or for Tom to turn up, or Carrie. It was horrible just waiting here, nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing we could do to help things along in anyway. But all we could do was wait, and waiting was the worst thing in the world.

The silence between us was only broken by the heart beat monitor, and the sound of our breathing, I nuzzled closer to Harry, feeling the need to be closer than a second skin. We sat for hours, until finally Harrys phone buzzed, making us both jump. "Carries phoning an ambulance, she can't get Tom to get in the car, and he's passed out from exhaustion, Carrie doesn't think he's slept for the past few days." Harry explained, sighing and putting his phone back into his pocket. "d*mn, he's really messed up, isn't he?" I whimpered, hiding in Harrys neck more. "yeah, he is. But, we'll help him, I'm sure he'll improve tenfold once Toms gotten changed and gotten all that blood off him, and had a good sleep." Harry reassured, tangling his hands in my hair, gently massaging my head.

"and when he knows that we don't hate him." I finished, Harry nodded in agreement. "we'll manage, somehow." Harry encouraged, holding me until Danny woke up a while later. He groaned and whimpered at the light, shuffling around on his bed, whining as wires tugged on his arm. "morning Danny." I whispered as he opened his eyes, he groaned and chucked the duvet over his head, "should we tell him?" I asked in a quieter voice in Harrys ear. "no, don't think so, we'll get him all excited, to maybe get disappointed." Harry shook his head, pushing some hair off my face, his usual nervous cleaning habit still there.

"alright...Danny, its time to wake up. Its kinda late!" I tried smiling, shaking Dannys shoulder gently. "no!" Danny whined, oh, so he was starting to use more words now. "come on Dan, wake up!" Harry shook his shoulder too, pulling the duvet off his head. "no! Want Tom!" Danny protested. "Tom might turn up today though! So come on, wake up, gotta be awake for him!" Harry carefully worded that sentence, so it didn't sound like Tom was defiantly turning up, but there was possibility he would. "ugh..." Danny moaned, pressing his face into the pillow.

Danny stayed laying down for hours, eventually moving his face from his pillow, dozing off a few times throughout the day, asking for Tom every time he woke up. "not yet Dan, maybe later on." We replied, every single time, waiting for a text, or for Carrie to turn up in our room with some news. It took until 4 in the afternoon for her to turn up. "guys, I've got him here, he's bad, but, at least he's here." She breathed, she looked so tired, like she had been struggling with Tom for a while. "Tom?" Danny sat up, looking excited. "yeah, Toms here. But I don't think its a good idea for you to come with me to see him just yet Danny. He doesn't look very good at all, its probably best for you to stay here until they clean him off." Carrie made us all pale, what the hell did Tom look like? I knew he hadn't changed his clothes yet, or washed his hands clean, he hadn't gotten any worse, had he?


	212. Chapter 212

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418 Dannys POV

Harry and Dougie ran off a few minutes later, after Carrie gave them directions to where Tom was, I listened carefully to them, trying to remember them inside my brain for later on. Carrie stayed with me though unfortunately, so I couldn't run off to find Tom myself. "Toms in safe hands now Danny, don't worry, and once the doctors have sorted him out, we'll get you a wheelchair and we'll go down together, alright?" Carrie smiled a little, giving me a hug. "want to see Tom now!" I whined, trying to sound like I was more awake, knowing it didn't work. But I wanted to seem fine, so I could go and see Tom right now! I had to see him right now! My whole body screamed at me to see Tom, I was going to stop at nothing to see him!

"I know, but you can't Dan. Not yet. I know its tough, but you really aren't ready to see him yet." Carrie sighed, really worrying me. Why could Harry and Dougie see Tom and I couldn't? Why wasn't I allowed to see him? I was the guy he loved... I think, and I loved him! Why couldn't I see him?! "why?" I had to ask, just needing to see Tom, why was that too much to ask? "Danny, look, lets just say, its bad. Tom looks bad, and in your state, you really don't want to see just yet!" Carrie explained, a few tears falling from her tired eyes.

She kept hold of me for a few hours, keeping me from trying to get out to see Tom, all I wanted to do was to see him! He was everything to me, I had to see him! I was so worried about him, my gut was twisting and churning with worry. I may not have been as aware of my surroundings as usual, but it didn't mean that I wasn't more worried about Tom than anything else in the world right now. "what does Tom look like?" I asked, trying to get something out of Carrie. "ill, just ill. He hasn't slept or eaten much for the past few days. But he's in safe hands now, I promise, the doctors are helping him." Carrie smiled a little, she was keeping things from me. "tell the truth!" I pleaded, I wanted to know! "Danny, please, just leave it, you'll see him soon enough." Carrie sighed, just hugging me tighter as I tried to get out of her grip.

"let me go! I want Tom!" I writhed, pushing at her. "you'll him soon, stop struggling please!" Carrie tightened her grip on me even more, as Harry and Dougie came back. Both of them looked so upset, tears drying on Dougies cheeks, his tiny little hands gripping onto Harrys own like it would keep him upright. "Tom?!" I said straight away, so scared, what was so wrong with Tom that it made Dougie cry? "he's been better, but he's alright, he's still unconscious, the doctors probably won't let you see him until tomorrow though." Harry explained, squeezing little Dougie, almost plastering their bodies together. Sometimes, thats what Dougie needed, to feel close to someone, like being close to someone was the only way to keep out of harms way. "why?" I whimpered, wanting to see Tom right now! Why could everyone else see him and I couldn't? I was going to see him today, no-one could stop me! "because Tom needs to rest, he's been so stressed out the past few weeks, especially the past couple of days, he needs rest and he'll feel better afterwards." Harry explained, rubbing Dougies side gently, the poor boy shaking like an earthquake.

I whimpered, but stayed quiet, starting to plan a way to see Tom tonight. I would wait, until everyone either went home, or fell asleep, while the hospital staff weren't wandering around as much, then I would just have to run, as fast as I could, to where Tom was, I could still remember where Carrie said to go earlier. It took hours, the waiting for everyone to go away, leave me by myself. I thanked my lucky stars that everyone went home today, leaving me to sleep by myself...well, thats what they thought anyway. Instead, I waited until 11 in the evening, when the nurses changed over, then unhooked everything attached to me, and ran before the alarms could go off.

I ran down the corridors, trying to remember every turn Carrie had said to make, Tom was in the blue zone, I was in the blue zone too, so surely it should have been only a few corridors away, right? I ran for ages trying to find his room, eventually finding it, creeping in so I didn't wake Tom up. Though how the beeping and whirring in here wasn't waking him up I didn't know... there was so much beeping! But as I came closer, really looking at Tom, I realised why, Tom was hooked up to so many machines! He had so many wires, more than what I had had, and a tube going down his throat! Why was there a tube down his throat? Why wasn't he awake? Why were there so many wires and machines?! Why hadn't anyone told me he was like this?!

I edged closer, gasping when I saw his clothes, skin and hair. Oh god, he was smothered in blood, it was matting up his hair, all across his face and neck, covering his hands, all the way up his rolled up sleeves, patches covering his jeans. He looked _awful, _almost like he had been attacked by a knife, only without all the wounds. My legs gave out again and I fell to the floor next to his bed, grabbing hold of his bloody hand, the splashes of red giving Tom the only colour he had on his skin, realising he had bitten off his nails, and picked off as much skin around his nails as possible too. "I-I'm sorry Tommy. I-I'm sorry." I cried, the sight getting far too much, it was all my fault, I shouldn't have done this, I shouldn't have cut like this! Tom wouldn't be here if I hadn't have done this!

419 Toms POV

So much blackness, there was so much blackness, was this death? Was I dead, I didn't know... I had been with Carrie, in the garage. We were arguing, about the hospital, I had been dizzy, so very dizzy. Feeling so, so weak...then, blackness. What happened? "Tommy, wake up, please, wake up!" someone cried, squeezing my hand, my hand hurt! There was something sticking in it, it hurt when my skin was being pulled! I groaned in pain, whimpering as my hand throbbed. "Tommy! Wake up! Wake up Tommy!" the voice I recognised as Danny cried again, squeezing my hand even harder. I cried out, as loud as I could, it hurt so much! The thing moved inside my hand, it sent pain shooting up my arm.

"shh, Tommy, shhh. Its just medicine, its alright." Danny whispered, stroking my cheek. Something pulled on my cheek, and now that I realised it, why did my jaw ache? Why wasn't my mouth closed? "Tom, I need to you stay calm, alright. When you open your eyes, don't panic, please. You'll make things worse, just stay still a few minutes, alright, stay still. I'm getting a doctor right now." Danny disappeared, leaving me to wake up by myself, slowly, I opened my eyes, realising that I was in hospital! Oh no! Not again! But, what was this thing in my vision, I lifted my hands to it, following it down to find...it was going into my mouth! Why was it in my mouth?! What was in my mouth?!

My hands tried to pull it out, but my stomach lurched and I choked, I couldn't breathe! Machines noises went mental around me, whirring and beeping so much, until a huge amount of people in painfully bright white coats turned up, their hands going everywhere. _Get them off! Stop them touching you now! They're touching you, you're not supposed to be touched!_ The voice was screaming inside my head, making me panic even more, I didn't want to be touched! They had to stop touching me! I writhed to push them away, choking myself even more, I couldn't stop choking! "Tommy shh, shh, let them help you, don't struggle, please don't struggle!" Danny fought his way through, being pushed backwards by the doctors, who were starting to hold me down.

"Thomas, stay still for a while, we'll sort out this thing out and check you over, now stay still, we can't do anything until you stay still!" a doctor ordered, but I couldn't do it! I couldn't stay still, they had to stop touching me, they couldn't touch me! And this thing was choking me, I was choking so badly! I couldn't breathe! "Tommy, stay still, let them help, they're not going to hurt you." Danny called again, I struggled even more, screaming around the thing inside my mouth, trying to breathe and get away from these people at the same time.

_They're going to poke and prod at you all day, going to treat you like an animal, a weak, pathetic animal. They'll drug you and tie you up, they'll kill you in the end! _The voice laughed, I screamed again, moving my head manically, until someone stopped me. "someone get me something that will calm him down! I can't do anything while he's like this!" some doctor shouted, someone running off. "I can calm him down! Just let me see him, I'll help sort him out!" Danny shouted back, trying to push through, "Tommy, shhh, stop it, they're trying to make you better. The sooner you stop struggling, the sooner they'll let you go, I promise." Danny pushed through, putting his hand on my leg gently, _he's holding you down too. Get him off!_

I struggled and struggled, trying to get these people off me, none of it working. _They're getting more and more disgusted with you, you're DISGUSTING and they're realising it, they'll realise you're a waste of space. They'll realise you're not worth treating. And Danny will realise that you really aren't worth loving. _The voice made me cry, I knew it was true, I shouldn't have been here, I should have still been under my bridge on the other side of town, away from everyones anger. Not here, not going through this!

Someone ran in and handed something to the doctor who had shouted, he put it into the IV running into my arm. "don't! I can calm him down, please, don't do this!" Danny shouted, as slowly, I lost feeling in my limbs, all of them falling still, the world getting darker and quieter, until blackness and silence filled my vision once again.


	213. Chapter 213

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420 Harrys POV

"I could have calmed him down! I could have calmed him down if you'd let me!" Danny shouted as we wandered back to the canteen with our lunch. We had been here for the past few days, staying at the hospital, waiting for Tom to wake up. We were in there so much that after a few arguments and a very, very pleading monologue involving a few tears from Danny, they staff had let Danny stay in the same room too. "I could have calmed him down! You didn't have to do that!" Danny cried helplessly, sitting on Toms bed, he had moved from the last time I had seen him… now Toms body looked physically more tensed, more freaked out, even more ill.

"I'm sorry, but he was choking, we had to do something quick." The doctor sighed, looking apologetic, even though I didn't believe it for a second. "but I could have sorted him out, I swear! I could have sorted it out." Danny whimpered, gripping onto Toms hand, like it was the only thing he could do. "what happened?" I asked, breaking Dannys whimpers off before he started crying. "Tommy woke up, he didn't know what was happening and he panicked…and then _they _didn't let me calm him down, just sedated him without even letting me near him." Danny sent a death glare at the doctor, 'if looks could kill' came to mind at the sight. "d*mn, well, why can't you remove the tube now so he doesn't panic as much?" I suggested, guessing it the tube down his throat that scared him the most.

"well, we could, but we think its best to give Tom as much food as possible before he wakes up again, because it looked like there was nothing in his stomach, so I doubt that he'll eat anything once he's woken up. We'll remove it later, just before he wakes up." The doctor explained carefully, like he knew that he was walking on thin ice. "you better, and he _will _eat, I know he will." Danny growled, that warning tone almost saying he would kill if this didn't happen. "alright, how do you know this? According to you, you haven't spent much time together for the past few weeks, you don't know what has changed." The doctor placated. "because its Tom, and I know Tom like the back of my hand." Danny explained, looking so pleadingly at this doctor.

"are you sure you know him that well?" the doctor asked, we nodded, of course we did! We knew Tom so well, we knew him almost better than he knew himself. "I've been with him the past few weeks, he'll eat, don't worry, he'll eat." Carrie joined in, carrying Toms sketchbook and a small bag, probably filled with the clothes and books she had gone home to get. "alright, if you say so, move out the way, I'll take this out then." The doctor sighed, Danny moved as fast as lightening, watching wide eyes as the doctor removed the very, very large tube from Toms weak body. He didn't even flinch at it, just continued to lay there, completely out of it.

I wanted to kid myself into believing that Tom was just sleeping, but I couldn't, with all the wires poking into him, all this beeping, and by the barely tamed distressed look on his face, Tom couldn't have been sleeping, even if he was having a nightmare. Tom _never _looked that distressed in natural sleep. It disturbed me to see him sleeping, though he wasn't really...sleeping. I didn't know how to describe it, he just looked ill. So, painfully ill.

421 Dougies POV

Tom laid sleeping again for hours, we all just ended up waiting for him to wake up, unpacking his things for him for when he needed them. I thought the first thing Tom would want would be to have a shower and get changed, he was still covered in dried blood, the hospital hadn't even bothered to clean his face at the very least. When Tom saw what he looked like, he was going to _freak _because it wasn't just his blood, it was Dannys too, knowing he was covered in his lovers blood in his state was going to send him off the deep end. I seemed to be the only one who cared, everyone else was busying themselves with something or other, I was just sat there, fiddling with Toms hair, trying to keep it off his face. It wasn't hard, it was mostly matted to his head. The poor guy, I just wanted to pick him up and hug him.

"you can hug him Doug, you won't hurt him." Harry whispered in my ear, stroking my side. "will Danny mind?" I asked, looking up at the Boltoner as he sat down. "nah, go on, lay down with him. I've been cuddling him for three days, its about time you got a go too." Danny smiled, playing with Toms hand on his other side, letting me lay next to the tiny blonde, almost gingerly resting my head on his chest. Tom felt bony, far too bony, and cold...but he was still comforting to lay next too. Just laying next to his body was nice, after so long without him, it felt good.

"what did you bring with you Carrie?" Danny asked, fiddling with Toms fingers, ignoring the needle stuck in his hand. "just a some jeans, tshirts, few hoodies, couple of books, the sketchbook, iPod, nothing special." Carrie answered, leafing through the sketchbook. "what has Tom actually drawn in there? He's spent so much time drawing, what has he actually drawn?" Danny looked up from Toms hand, reaching out for the sketchbook, resting it on his lap.

"I don't really know what Toms drawn, he wouldn't let me see. I just know that its not the usual random drawings of Marvel comic characters." Carrie sighed, shrugging. "oh, can we see anyway? I just want to know. I've been wondering what he's been drawing for weeks." Danny reached out for the book, careful to not jog Tom in any way. "alright, just don't get too emotional please, or ask him when he wakes up. Toms probably already very scared, I don't want him in even more pain. Just keep in mind that he thought you were together and you hated him at the time." Carrie warned, looking at Toms sleeping face, looking so sorry for him.

"I know, don't remind me either." Danny mumbled, opening the sketchbook so all of us could see it. He turned the book so we could all see it, the first few pages were beautiful and normal Tom like creations. It was the usual things he drew, stage designs, UFOs, aliens, Marvel characters, the random things that came into his head sometimes. But then it suddenly changed, he drew us more, specifically, not himself. And if he was in the picture, he was right at the back, his head down, face covered. Slowly, the drawings got darker, more about me, Harry and Danny, less and less about Tom himself. The lines turned into words, words made up the lines, the picture still clearly of us. There was one, of me, Harry and Danny, hugging together, me and Harry kissing Danny on each of his cheeks. Our words were things like' together, perfect, beautiful, in love, worthy'…and then there was Tom in the background, actually looking up in this one. His words were darker, were different everywhere. Toms hair was described as 'greasy, lanky, dirty, stupid, weird' his eyes 'too dark, and not blue' and his body 'too skinny, too pale, freaky'. The most used words were 'ugly, freaky, unworthy' they were _everywhere._

Poor Tom slated himself, commenting on everything, the only good words were on his scars, calling them 'perfect' and 'mistake fixers'. It was _awful _the way Tom thought of his himself, the way he described himself, only liking his scars, the one thing he shouldn't have liked, calling them his mistake fixers. It was awful to see how Tom viewed himself, below everyone else, with us being described as perfect, and every other positive word in the dictionary. It was horrible, it broke my heart.


	214. Chapter 214

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422 Dannys POV

Dougie held onto Tom even tighter, his hands fisting around Toms bloody hoodie, whimpering quietly into Toms bony shoulder. "oh Tommy, you poor baby." I whispered, wiping my eyes, they had teared up as I realised how much Tom hated himself. I pushed the sketchbook away, laying down with Tom instead, thankfully that we had pushed our beds together, so I could fit. "you're beautiful baby, not ugly, you need to realise that." I kissed his cheek gently, running my fingers over Toms stomach.

Tom groaned a little, his head twitched, and turned to face me, and then he was still again. "he'll be waking up soon." Harry commented, squeezing Dougies hand. "hopefully." I nodded, resting my head against Toms, craving some closeness, even though it wasn't like Tom was awake. "Toms going to be alright, we're going to make him know that we love him, and that he's beautiful, right?" Dougie looked up at me like I knew the answer to that. "of course we will, I don't know how we'll do it, but, we'll do it somehow." I put on a smile, not sure how we were going to do it, I swore we would get Tom to believe in himself, in his looks.

"I hope so, I never want to see another drawing like that." Dougie sighed, nuzzling into Toms neck, looking so cute. "there won't be Doug, we'll find something that will work." Harry encouraged, pushing back Dougies hair, tucking it behind his husbands ear. "we will, I'll find something that will work." I promised all of us, including Tom, even if he couldn't hear me. I would never break a promise to Tom, ever. Once I made a promise to him, I wouldn't break it.

Dougie relaxed a little at our words, moving Toms arm ever so carefully, making it wrap around his tiny middle, like they were cuddling. He stayed like that for a while longer, until Tom woke up. He made to sit up, but I stopped him, smiling to say that it was alright, Tom wasn't going to freak at Dougie cuddled up to him...hopefully. I was hoping Tom would be too drowsy, too worn out to freak. "ugh, Danny." Tom moaned, lifting his hands up to his head, hissing in pain. "its okay, I'm here Tommy." I gently got hold of Toms hands, pulling them away from his face, not wanting him to realise that he was still covered in blood. "Danny." Tom mumbled, writhing to get closer. "I'm here, I'm here, don't worry. Its okay, I'm here Tommy." I squeezed him tighter, my heart pounding at the fact that he wanted _me. _Tom mumbled something unintelligible, sounding a little like 'help me' whimpering quietly.

"I will, don't worry, I'm here. They're not going to hurt you, don't worry, they're not even here, I won't let them touch you." I guessed he was still thinking that the hospital staff were surrounding him in his groggy state. "Danny, help." Tom cried, managing to open his eyes, almost jumping on me. He would have if there weren't so many wires, Dougie had already sat up and moved out of the way, finding comfort in Harrys arms instead. "I'm here baby, I'm here. I'll keep you safe." I whispered, kissing his hair. "I love you Tommy, I'm here, like always." I took the risk, saying that I loved him for the first time in weeks. "I'm sorry." Tom whimpered, gripping my clothes like it was the only thing he could do.

423 Toms POV

I felt so scared, so, so scared. I didn't know where I was, what was happening, the last thing I had known, I was in bed, trying to scream for help but there was something down my throat. People had been holding me down, and now I was free and in Dannys arms, what the hell happened? The only thing I could do was hold onto to Danny as tightly as I could, hide in him and try to stop anything else from happening. "Tommy its okay, stop crying. The doctors aren't here. Its only us here, no-one else." Danny promised, rubbing my back. "Danny." I whimpered, it was the only thing I could say, I was just feeling so scared. _Like you should be, lab animal. _

"I'm here baby, I'm right here." Danny whispered, kissing my hair, reaching out to hold my hand, shuddering a little. _He doesn't want to hold your hand. _But Danny had said he loved me only a few days ago, before he went into hospital, he loved me, right? _No. _"don't leave me. I'm sorry." I pushed out, ignoring the voice, the fear of being here beating anything else. "I won't Tommy, I won't. And its okay, its not your fault." Danny whispered, squeezing my hands. My hands felt weird, like there was something on them, stopping them from moving properly, and it wasn't a needle. "h-hands...feeling, weird." I whimpered, I couldn't even speak right now.

"its nothing Tommy, don't worry." Danny whispered, stroking my side. "feels weird!" I whined, gripping onto him even more, trying to stop the feeling of fear rise up inside me. "its nothing Tommy, don't worry. Nothing a shower later on won't fix. Now shhh, relax alright?" Danny kissed my hair again, pressing me into his shoulder. But I couldn't relax, I was scared, scared what was on my hands, scared of what was going on!

Footsteps came into the room, making me freeze, I didn't like the sound of footsteps! "ah, I see that Thomas is awake now! So, are you going to let us look at you now?" someone said, my spine went rigid. "Tommy, I'm sorry, but you've got to let them look at you, just for a few minutes." Danny sighed, bringing me to look at him, stroking my face. _Here comes the prodding! _"no!" I whimpered, I didn't want to be poked and prodded, touched in anyway by anyone other than Danny! I hadn't been with him for weeks, I couldn't let go now, I needed his comfort now! "you've got to baby, you have to let them touch you. Just for a little while." Danny pleaded, making me sit up. "no! They're not touching me!" I hid in his arms, no doctors were going to touch me! They caused me pain! They messed everything up! I couldn't be touched! "they've got to Tom, but they'll only be a few minutes, then we can go back to cuddling. And I'll be here, making sure that it'll be fine, they won't hurt you." Danny promised, giving me a smile and a kiss. "promise?" I whispered, holding onto his hands, not wanting him to let me go.

"promise Tommy." Danny smiled reassuringly. "do you want us to go out of here? So you have some privacy?" Harry asked, I nodded, him, Dougie and Carrie left quickly. "finally, so are you feeling any better? Any pain anywhere?" the doctor asked, looking at me as I was turned round, giving me such a scary look. I shook my head, whimpering as he scribbled over his clipboard again. "can you move your arm? Without pain, no tightness, or anything?" the doctor asked, I shook my head again. "can I check?" the doctor reached for my arm, I pulled my arm back. He couldn't touch me! "its okay Tommy, let him touch your arm." Danny encouraged, rubbing my side. I lifted it up and let the doctor pull my arm about, apparently checking things, only making me feel like my skin was crawling.

"good, now any other problems with anything? Light-headedness, blurred vision, anything?" the doctor carried on, I shook my head again. "can you actually speak at all?" he sighed now, looking slightly concerned. "y-yes." I mumbled, crawling back into Dannys arms. "he can, he just doesn't want to." Danny explained, holding me until I stopped shaking, though the fear of this man never went away.

"alright, well, thats all. All looks well, so, I would say have some rest and have a shower, clean yourself up of all this blood." The doctor finished filling out some things, walking out. Wait, what blood? I looked down at my hands, seeing my blood smothered hands, arms and clothes. _Its Dannys blood. _I almost screamed.


	215. Chapter 215

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424 Harrys POV

Me and Dougie ran in as the doctor left, hoping to god that he hadn't scared Tom. At the moment, that didn't look like the case, Tom was staring at his hands, they were shaking as he paled so much that the dried blood almost literally was the only colour left on his face. "we can wash it off Tommy, don't worry, come on, we'll go and wash if off alright?" Danny carefully pushed Tom off the bed, the boy was compliant, he looked like he was in shock.

Following in afterwards, we followed Danny into the bathroom with Tom, after carefully pulling out the wires in Toms arms, making him hiss in pain, the only thing he reacted to. "come on Tommy, we'll go wash it off, alright? Come on, we'll get all this off you." Danny pushed Tom towards the bathroom, washing his hands off. "there we go, its gone, you can't see it anymore. " Danny whispered, he looked so panicked, like he was desperately trying to make sure that Tom wasn't going to freak out.

"I-Its not! Its not gone! Its everywhere!" Tom cried, staring at his sleeves, all the blood. "theres not that much Tom, don't worry, we can wash it off easily." I whispered, Danny stroking Toms hair gently, purposely avoiding anything that wasn't soft wheat blonde hair. "there is! Theres so much! And, and… its yours! Its your blood! Oh my god its your blood, its your blood!" Tom freaked, going wide eyed as the realisation hit him like a tonne of bricks. "sh*t, its okay Tom, its just a bit of blood, it doesn't matter. Just calm down and we'll was it off, alright?" Danny reacted, quickly running to Toms side as he backed away, grabbing Tom into his arms, stopping him staring at the sleeves of his hoodie. It was Dannys, the one he had been wearing when he had been brought to the hospital, the sleeves had been rolled up, but it was clear that the light blue had been stained with dark red.

"its your blood, oh god, its your blood." Tom tugged on his hair desperately, shaking and crying, repeating himself over and over again. "shhh Tommy, its just a bit of blood. Its not going to hurt you, don't panic." Danny whispered, using the softest tone he could, "take your jumper off, Tommy, take this hoodie off and there won't be as much blood." Danny pulled off Toms oversized hoodie, with a bit of difficulty, considering Tom was still tugging painfully hard on his hair and shaking. The jumper came off, revealing another blood soaked tshirt, that was literally _covered _in blood, the whole of it was smothered in red, deep, deep red. How could someone bleed that much and survive? Honestly, how did you bleed that much blood and survive, and be standing a week later?

Tom screamed, actually screamed, freaking out. "Tom, Tom stop it, don't scream, please, don't scream. Its alright, its just a bit of blood." Danny looked scared now, even as I handed him another shirt for Tom to wear. Dougie hadn't even moved, he looked frozen to the spot, staring at Tom in fear. "thanks, Tommy its alright, we can wash it, it'll be fine. Look, I've got a new shirt for you, just take this one off, it'll be fine." Danny was struggling for things to say, gently stroking Toms side, almost pinning his arms by his sides with his own arms.

"so much blood, there's so much blood!" Tom cried, screaming, whimpering and writhing in Dannys arms. "I know, I know baby. But its not going to hurt you, its just a little blood. So, just calm down a little, then you can have a shower, and get all this off. Do you want that?" Danny whispered, talking like Tom was a time bomb about to explode. "disgusting, so disgusting!" Tom writhed, scratching himself, tears falling down his face.

425 Dougies POV

No matter what Danny did, he couldn't get Tom to calm down, Tom just screamed and writhed in his arms, just saying that the blood was disgusting and icky, and horrible. "shh Tommy, shhh. You've got to stop screaming, please, stop screaming." Danny whimpered, he really didn't know what to say, what to do, he was getting so tired. "so disgusting and filthy! Its so icky!" Tom cried out, yanking on his clothes, trying to keep his clothes away from his skin.

"shhh baby, shh. We can get this off, come here." Danny made to pull off Toms shirt. Tom froze for a tiny, tiny second, then writhed and screamed again. "get off me! No!" Tom screamed, finally seemingly attracting some attention. "whats going on in here?" a nurse asked, obviously seeing Tom, "oh, I see. Do you need any help with this, or are you going to be able to handle it?" she carried on, facing Harry like he knew what was going on. "I don't know, give us a few minutes." Harry answered, awkwardly looking between us all.

"I think it'll be best if you leave him for us to sort out." The nurse advised, flinching a little in time with us as Tom shouted out again. "no, no, we can handle it. We can handle Tom, like always!" Danny suddenly tuned into the conversation, looking panicky. "we can! We can handle it! You don't need to do anything!" Harry agreed with Danny, the three of us nodding manically. "alright, but if this isn't sorted in 10 minutes, I'm intervening." The nurse gave in, turning away, leaving us with a hysterical Tom still. "Tom, come on, stop screaming please! The doctors will intervene. Please calm down and we'll clean this up!" Danny pleaded, putting his head against Toms, like that would help.

Tom just cried out again, writhing in Dannys arms, and wouldn't stop crying out and panicking, almost deafening poor Danny in the process. "let me go! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Tom cried, finally looking at us, at _me. _"its okay Tom, its okay, we're going to let you go, just calm down first." Danny tried again, repeating himself for the thousandth time. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Tom repeated himself, still looking at me with so much desperation and fear is scared me. I couldn't look away from him either, had to keep on looking at him, but I couldn't move any closer or say a word.

"its alright Tom, its just blood, it doesn't matter." Danny whispered, kissing Toms face gently, rubbing his arm. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Tom slowly, very slowly, started to calm down at last. "its okay, Tommy its okay. Just calm down and we'll sort everything out." Danny whispered, looking so tired, like he had been the one screaming for hours. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Tom trailed off, looking exhausted, finally looking away from me, down at his arms, sobbing getting harder.


	216. Chapter 216

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426 Dannys POV

Finally, _finally, _Tom stopped freaking out, just sat there, crying. He was staring at his bloody arms, sobbing, though not covering his face, like he was scared to touch his own face. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Tom whispered through shaky breath over and over, tears dripping off his red face. "its okay Tommy." I sighed, rubbing his back, exhausted, knowing he had to be too. "I'm s-sorry." Toms shoulders shook with sobs, my heart broke at the sound of his cries, and how he was sat.

Tom was sat, crossed legged, his arms raised upwards on his knees, his head bent forward with his sobs. It was like he was about to start cutting, or showing someone his scars in pure shame and guilt. "there's nothing to be sorry for Tom, its okay." I whispered, leaning forward, saying that directly in Toms ear, hoping that he would react better, or believe me, or something. "its n-not. I-Its not okay!" Tom shook his head, tugging at his hair, avoiding his face, or anything with blood on it. "it is though. Its alright, there's nothing you've done wrong." I promised, rubbing his back, not moving backwards away from his ear.

"I-Its been washed off." Tom whimpered, clenching his fists, rocking back and forth ever so slightly. "thats a good thing, to get all of this off, its what you want, right?" I asked, surely Tom wanted all this off, right? It couldn't have been nice to have all this blood covering him, if I was him, I would have wanted to get rid as much of the blood off the second I could. "no. No I don't! No more can be washed off! No more!" Tom shook his head again, crying getting harder.

"what? Tommy, what are you on about?" I whimpered, scared to death of what Tom was saying, what he meant. "no more blood can be washed off! It can't be! It has to stay on, has to!" Tom cried, he half looked like he wanted to scream and wash everything off in a panic, and half like he believed that he had to stay still. "why? Why do you think that?" I asked, getting extremely worried about Toms mental state getting even worse. "it has to stay on... or I'll forget, I can't forget!" Tom started to panic again, scrambling to stand up, we all followed him.

"forget what? What are you going to forget?" I carefully, slowly, wrapping my arms around Toms body, trying to comfort and control him before he got out of hand. "what I did! What I've done, everything!" Tom cried, tugging on his hair again desperately, the pure fear and desperation in his voice and on his paper white face enough to make me almost feel the inner battle going on inside him. "what have you done baby? Are you talking about this?" I didn't want to say it, just reached out for Toms hand, lifting his arm to indicate his bandage. "n-no," Tom shook his head, "this." He grabbed my arm, showing me my own bandage.

427 Toms POV

"what? Tom, what are you saying?" Danny asked, looking confused and worried. "I-Its my fault, I-I can't forget that. I-I can't wash it off without forgetting." I stuttered, hoping that if I admitted to that, I would not be forced into washing off this blood. It had to stay on, I had to remember my mistake, this was all my fault, I had to remember that. I had to show on my own skin and clothes to anyone I walked past, that I made a mistake, and that I was paying for it now, I knew I had done such a bad thing, and I was paying for it, and not just with the scars on my skin.

"oh baby, its not your fault. Its mine, I lost control, its not your fault this happened." Danny lied, running a hand down my face. _He is LYING this is totally your fault! If you hadn't been stupid enough to say you hated Danny this wouldn't have happened! Don't you ever believe that this isn't your fault! _I wasn't going to, I knew it was my fault, for a fact. I shouldn't have said that I hated Danny, or at least apologised straight away, I shouldn't have ran, running was the easy stupid option. _Because you are stupid and can't do anything else. You're worse than a child. _

"its completely my fault! Don't say its not, please, I know its my fault! I'm sorry, I know its my fault! I shouldn't have said I hated you, I don't! I love you so much!" I cried, trying to not start sobbing. _Like the pathetic little sh*t you are. _"its okay baby, I know you love me. It was a tough day and emotions were running high, you said things you didn't mean." Danny whispered gently. "b-but I still said it! And caused all of this!" I yanked on my hair, feeling like I was about to explode. I had so many emotions running through my body, guilt, hurt, exhaustion, pure, untainted pain. I couldn't handle all these at the same time, I _needed _to get rid of this right now!

"no, you didn't! You didn't cause all of this. You shouldn't be feeling like this, its not your fault." Danny lied again, _you did, and thats why they all hate you, you're weak and pathetic, causing all of this to be the little, weak Tommy BABY you've always been. _"I-I did, and t-thats why you all hate me." I pushed out of Dannys arms, running away, needing to get out of here so I could punish myself, get rid of all these emotions. I just needed to get rid of it all right now! I couldn't be around people who hated me, pretending that this wasn't all my fault. It was completely my fault!

"Tom no! Don't do this!" Danny shouted, grabbing me before I got anywhere. "let me go! Let me go!" I cried, fighting against his strong hold. "no, I won't, Tommy, we don't hate you. We wouldn't be here with you if we hated you, would we? Think about it." Danny hissed in what sounded like pain, _you're hurting his arm, tw*t. _"let me go, please let me go." I pleaded, calming down struggling, just in case I was hurting him, and out of exhaustion. "not until you believe me." Danny shook his head, his hand flexing open and closed over and over in obvious pain. "I-I'm sorry! I can't!" I cried, pushing his hand away.

"please Tom, we don't hate you, we love you, so much. This isn't your fault." Harry whispered, standing in front of me, looking quite convincing. _He hates you, they all do! _"I-I'm sorry, please don't hate me! I'll make it better, please, I'll make it better!" I pleaded, feeling so desperate for some forgiveness all of a sudden, another emotion hitting me, fighting for dominance inside me. "we don't hate you, you don't have to make it better. Calm down, we can talk this out." Danny held onto me even harder, _as if you weren't already having problems breathing. _"I'm sorry! We can't! But I'll do anything to make it better! I'll do anything!" I cried, screaming as a nurse came in, scaring any feeling of calm out of my system completely. I _hated _nurses almost as much as I hated doctors, I dreading to think what she was going to do to me now.

"shh, Tommy, shh, its just a nurse." Danny whispered gently as she came closer, holding my writhing body still as he hissed in pain. "go away! Don't touch me! Let me go!" I screamed, my heart literally pounding inside my chest. "hold still Thomas, this won't hurt much. Its just to calm you down." Something pierced my skin, I screamed and cried, feeling the needle break off in my arm. "shh Tommy, shhh. Its okay. Thats it calm down, let the drug take over, don't move your arm." Danny whispered, the last voice I heard as everything went black.


	217. Chapter 217

**Guest - they are all growing up now *sighs* **

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428 Harrys POV

Singlehandedly, Danny pulled out the snapped needle, picked Tom back up and carried him to his bed, silently getting into bed too, squeezing Tom with all his strength, wincing as his arm hurt. "you didn't have to do that." Danny whimpered finally, pressing his face to Toms, holding onto the sleeping boy like it would protect them both. "we did, Tom needed to calm down before he damaged himself, he was disturbing other patients, and hurting your arm. Also, we need to get that blood off now, fix that wound, and check out your arm." The nurse glared, like she expected a fight. "then why didn't you wash the blood off earlier then instead of having this fight now?" I asked, standing next to the bed, in front of Tom and Danny, guarding them, Dougie next to me, glaring the best he could through the distressed tears in his eyes. He was so emotional, he couldn't stand to see his friends in pain like this, I hoped that guarding the boys would help him a little.

"because we have had more worrying things to treat first, like the fact that Tom seems to have not eaten for at least a week, and the fact he had very deep cuts all over his arms." The nurse answered cooly, more nurses came in, carrying some sponges and soap. "fine, but you're not washing him, I am." Danny sat up, his best defensive look on his face. "thats probably not the best idea..."the nurse started. "it is. Tom trusts me, and even though he's asleep and doesn't know, you're going nowhere near him, alright?" Danny interrupted, his voice saying clearly that he wasn't taking no for an answer. "fine, but we'll be back later, to make sure its been done properly, and to start feeding him again." The nurses practically stormed out, we all relaxed at last.

"I hate them, the sooner we get out of here the better." Danny sighed, carefully starting to lift up Toms shirt, taking it off him. We all took a huge intake of breath as the shirt came off, revealing the body we hadn't seen for months. Toms chest looked truly _awful. _He looked like he had been starved of food for months. Toms ribs were clear to see as he breathed in, his hip bones jutting out, his skin so pale white that the sheets almost looked grey next to him. And then there was the blood, covering his arms and some parts of his chest, from where it had soaked through his tshirt last week, making him look even worse.

"sh*t, Carrie are you sure Toms been eating?" Danny swore, running his fingers over Toms ribs, almost hypnotised by his pale skin. "well, not for the past week, he's been so stressed recently. But usually he was eating, I was sure of it!" Carrie whimpered a little, staring at her brother in shock. "but he's so small." Dougie whispered, grabbing Dannys hand, stopping him touching his chest. "Tom is, but, we can't think of that right now, we've got to clean him up. Even though he doesn't want to be clean." Danny sighed, biting on his lip.

"want us to help?" I asked, sometimes Danny liked to do things by himself, I didn't want us to intrude if he wanted to do it by himself. "no, I'm alright, I'm going to do this myself." Danny shook his head, grabbing a sponge, starting to gently wash the blood off Toms frail chest. He went over it meticulously, making sure that every speck of red was washed away, until Toms skin was just a crystal white canvas covering his bones.

As soon as Tom was cleaned up and dried, we carefully put another tshirt on him, covering him before he caught a cold. Danny changed his jeans too, covering his boxer covered legs in pyjamas instead, because they were 'comfier and less bloody'. A blanket got pulled over Toms body too, tucking him in properly, so he looked like he was just sleeping in a bed, his head gently pillowed next to Dannys leg, their hands joined.

429 Dougies POV

When Tom woke up a few hours later, he went _mental. _Absolutely mental. He screamed and freaked out as he realised that Danny had washed him off and changed his clothes, it wasn't just the fact that we had touched him and changed his clothes, it was the fact that the blood had gone that freaked him out. "I-Its gone! I-Its all gone! Where has it gone?" Tom cried, looking manically all over his body, desperately trying to find blood. "we washed it off baby, it had to be washed off. You couldn't have kept that blood on you, it wasn't healthy." Danny explained quietly, stroking Toms cheek looking almost pleadingly at Tom, practically begging him to believe his words.

"it wasn't supposed to go! It was supposed to stay! Why did you wash it off?!" Tom cried, rocking back and forth on his bed, looking like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. "we had to Tom, its not good to have blood all over you. Its better to wash it off." Harry explained, rubbing his back gently. "b-but I had to keep it on! I-I was supposed to stay like that!" Tom sobbed, actually letting Danny bring him into his arms. It seemed like every time the hospital sent Tom to sleep, he got weaker, mentally, physically he was getting stronger, but mentally every time he woke up, he seemed to get weaker, more childlike.

"why was it supposed to stay like that Tommy? Who told you that you couldn't wash it off?" Danny asked, calmly kissing Toms hair like it would help calm him. "b-because it was a punishment! I-It was showing that I'm stupid!" Tom sobbed, tugging on his hair so much, strands actually came out. "but you don't need to punish yourself, you didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't your fault." Danny whispered, tightening his hold on Tom, taking his hands away from his head, holding both of his skinny pale hands in one of his own freckled ones.

"it was! It was my fault!" Tom cried, remaining adamant that he was to blame for everything. It was heart breaking, to see how Tom saw everything as his fault, I mean, it was his fault that he was here, but he hadn't meant his words to Danny. He had been so emotional, and not in his right mind, he hadn't meant those words. He had meant POV, but not his words, we all knew that. None of us blamed him, it wasn't his fault. We all told him, over and over, that it wasn't his fault, slowly trying to break down Toms thinking, it took hours to make him believe that it wasn't his fault. And even then, he still thought he had caused it, but that he didn't need to constantly be punishing himself for his 'mistakes'.

"you've done far too much punishing Tommy, just look at your arm, you've ripped it to shreds." Danny sighed, gently whispering in Toms ears, like it would get through better. "I-Its not enough." Tom whimpered, nuzzling into Dannys chest, the safe place he hadn't been in for weeks now. "it is, its far too much actually. Don't do it again, please, don't do it again." Danny pleaded, looking down at their bandaged arms in shame. "please don't, its not right Tom, its not good." I joined in, I had been silent far too long, I needed to say something. "why not?" Tom looked a little confused, actually looking at me again, this time actually looking right into my eyes. I hadn't looked into his eyes for almost 2 years, I had missed our eyes contact. "because it scares me! Scares us! Its not right to be hacking at your own arm, its terrible, and it scares us all so much." I explained, falling into Toms arms, needing to hug him, tell him what I was saying was true. "it does Tom, it scares us, so much." Harry backed me up, hugging us both, linking our hands so I knew that he was behind me on this.

Tom didn't reply, just sobbed quietly into our arms, seemingly finally breaking down, just finally letting us hold him close. "you don't need to do anything Tommy, just stop freaking out, please, stop freaking out. I love you, we love you, don't think we're mad and you need to punish yourself, you don't need to do this to yourself." Danny whispered, stroking Toms hair, quietening down his sobs slowly until he was quiet again in our arms.


	218. Chapter 218

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430 Dannys POV

I managed to keep Tom calm and quiet until bedtime, when the nurses came in and sent him off to sleep, so they could shove a tube down his throat to feed him. I had to put him down then, because I was terrified to choke, or seriously hurt Tom, which I really didn't want to do. Instead, I just sat next to Tom, stroking his hair, hoping it was calming him as much as it calmed me. It felt nice to stroke Toms hair, because it was so soft, it gave me a sense that everything was going to be okay. I didn't know why, but having my hand entangled with Toms hair just made me feel like it would be okay, maybe it was because I was with him, and nothing was going to happen to Tom when I was with him, nothing worse than what was already happening.

A few hours later, Harry, Dougie and Carrie went home, leaving me and Tom alone, so carefully I curled up to Tom, trying to get comfy but not jog him. I slowly fell asleep there, trying to think that this was a normal day, that we were at home, laying in our bed. It didn't work, the smell of cleaning products, the sounds of people walking about and machines beeping broke through my mental image, no matter how many times I tried over the next few days. It got worse if anything, because everyday, Tom got worse. Not physically, mentally. He just...got worse, I don't know how to explain it, Tom just...stopped functioning as well. He just, declined, so badly.

Tom turned more dependant on me, leaning on me all the time, letting me hug him as he stared into space blankly. The only time he really reacted was when the doctors and nurses came near him, then Tom froze, whimpering and almost crying out every time they came near him. I think he knew it was them shoving the tube down his throat every night, I wasn't sure if Tom knew what it was for, but I knew that he knew he had the tube every time he woke up.

This morning wasn't any different, I woke up first, and just took a while to enjoy cuddling with my lover, while he was still and calm, before todays struggles started. Tom had his arm around me today, I had put it there the night before, but it felt nice to know it was still there in the morning. It almost felt normal, it was just the machines, the hard bed and Toms stillness that stopped it from feeling normal. "morning honey." I whispered, gently kissing his cheek. Slowly, Tom opened his eyes, his hand lifted up, going towards his mouth, but he stopped it all of a sudden. A loud whimper appeared from his throat, as he went crossed eyes a little, tears starting to fall down his face again, barely managing to not start writhing, having learnt that it made things worse.

"Tommy, shh, its alright. We've done this so many times now, I'll go get the nurse to sort it for you, alright?" I wiped away his tears, pressing a kiss to Toms cheek again, getting up slowly, trying to stop Tom from getting jogged. Tom grabbed my hand suddenly, squeezing painfully tight. "I won't be a minute, you know that. I'll get the doctors and they'll sort you out, just like always." I whispered, smiling softly. Tom shook his head, eyes wide in fear, conveying just how scared he was, he always woke up so scared of the doctors coming to him. I could understand why, that tube was painful to get out, and Tom wasn't exactly that fond of doctors anyway. "it'll be fine Tommy, trust me. We'll sort you out and then we'll cuddle up and watch a film, alright? Carrie brought Toy Story yesterday." I squeezed his hand and ran my hand soothingly over his damp cheek.

Tom let me go as I finished speaking, still twitching and clearly trying to stop himself from freaking out, clenching his fists and screwing his eyes tight shut. "that's it Tommy, hold on for me, I'll sort it out." I encouraged, rushing out to find our usual doctor, used to this routine now. We did this every single morning, I was used to doing this, and we had done this so many times that even Tom was learning to stop himself from moving. It was still the most heart breaking thing to see him crying like that, it was like he was completely helpless in the situation. He was completely helpless really, but it still shattered my insides to see him crying.

The doctor did his usual job, pulling the biggest tube I had ever seen out of Toms mouth, making him choke and cough so much he almost threw up. "shhh Tommy, its over." I comforted him, rubbing his back to soothe his coughs. Tom stopped coughing to fell into my arms, crying quietly. I repeated my words again, kissing his head gently, wrapping my arms around him. "shhh Tommy, I'm here." I whispered, grabbing the mini DVD player, putting on Toy Story, trying to get Tom paying attention to the film instead of his sore throat. It worked slowly, getting Tom to calm down and watch the film, his little hands clawing at my tshirt like it was the only thing he could do.

431 Toms POV

Toy Story played for a few hours, making me feel calmer, the thought of my sore throat and my stomach ache going away from my mind. "feeling any better now Tommy?" Danny asked, rubbing my side gently. I nodded, stopping his hand and nuzzling into his neck. "good, everyone should be coming soon." Danny smiled, kissing me on the head. He was right, only twenty minutes later, after we had packed the DVD player away, Harry, Dougie and Carrie turned up.

"morning!" Carrie greeted, bouncing in and hugging us both. "morning, you guys alright?" Danny and the others exchanged the normal morning conversation, letting me sit there and cuddle up to him. I didn't really feel like talking, or using my mouth in anyway, it hurt all the time. That tube that was shoved in my mouth always left it hurting, my throat feeling like it was been sandpapered, I just didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to eat, talk, smile, anything. I just wanted to sleep and cuddle up with Danny, safe in the knowledge that I wasn't going to wake up to find another tube down my throat.

The morning passed quickly, not much really happening, just a lot of talking between everyone. But at lunchtime, a nurse came in, I knew by now that she was the food nurse, the one who always asked me and Danny what we wanted for whichever meal it was. "so today we have some tuna sandwiches, or some rice, which would you like boys? Or what you like to come with me to the canteen and choose something from there? I think you're well enough to come with me down there." The nurse asked, I tensed again. "I think we'll take a trip down the canteen, feel like it Tommy? Go and have a walk around?" Danny made me want to scream, I didn't want to go anywhere! Especially nowhere near food! _Don't go! You must not go! _

"come on baby, we'll go down and get some good lunch." Danny stood up, pulling me upright. "no!" I whimpered, backing away, I wasn't going anywhere near food! I didn't want to eat, I didn't deserve it, and I wasn't going anywhere near my mouth! What if I lifted up my hand and found a tube there?! What if it was there?! I couldn't risk that! If it was there, I didn't want to know it was! I was fine thinking I was tube free, I didn't want to suddenly find out it was still there!

"come on Tom, its lunch time!" Dougie encouraged, he looked scared though. _That tubes there! Its there! He's scared cause its still there! _Oh god no! It wasn't still there was it? I swear that I had had it removed! "n-no!" I cried, it couldn't still be there! It couldn't still be in there, and what if there was good food in the canteen? I couldn't go near that! "why not?" Harry asked, looking worried too. _Its there, its there, its there! _"Tommy, whats up?" Danny asked, putting his hands on my shoulders.

I shook my head wildly, scratching at my arms, feeling panic rise up inside my chest, I didn't want to go anywhere! I didn't want to eat, didn't want to discover that there was still a tube inside my throat! "Tommy, whats up? Whats happened? Aren't you hungry yet?" Danny guessed, he couldn't have been more wrong. I was _starving, _but I couldn't! I couldn't open my mouth properly, let alone eat something! _You must not go down ever! You can't go down at all! _

Danny brought me into his arms and hugged me, stopping me from scratching. "alright, we'll go down later on, when you're ready." Danny sighed, guiding me back to the bed, making sure I was sat on it. "I'll come back later on. And bring someone I think you need to see." The nurse walked out, leaving us alone again. "you really don't want to eat today, do you?" Danny sighed, I shook my head, whimpering quietly. "baby, you _have _to eat, its not healthy." Danny said, _here we go, another talk about food. _

I shook my head again, there was no way I was going to eat, put my hands near my mouth. "don't care." I whispered, curling up into Dannys arms again, needing to feel calm and safe. "why not? Whats the problem with eating? You deserve to eat, why don't you want to?" Danny linked our fingers together, I didn't answer. I didn't answer him for another hour, no matter what he asked, until the nurse came back again, getting the same reaction. I did _not _want to eat, did not want to go near food, did not want to even _think _about putting things inside my mouth.

Though, this time, half way through my panic attack, a man came in, he just looked at me, practically staring. "go away! What do you want?!" I shouted, the loudest and longest sentence I had used in weeks. "who? Oh, what do you want?" Danny turned round, glaring at this strange, tall man. "nothing, I'm just observing for the moment." The man answered with a Scottish accent. "well get out, we don't need an audience." Harry warned, standing in front of us, hiding us a bit. "alright, I'll go, but I'll be back later." He walked out, leaving me to carry on refusing point blank to go anywhere out of this room, going anywhere near food.


	219. Chapter 219

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432 Harrys POV

In the end, we didn't get Tom out of the room, let alone to the canteen. He just freaked whenever the idea of going to the canteen, and even when we suggested he went for a walk, he refused, probably thinking we would lead him to the canteen. We just gave up after a while, leaving Tom to sit on the foot of his bed, curling up in a ball, looking up at us helplessly like he was pleading us to let him stay here.

"Tom, you have to eat." I started, not sure what to say really. "you do, I'm worried, cause that man came in, I don't know what he was doing, but I'm scared what he was in here for." Danny explained, sitting down next to Tom, rubbing his back. "we're all scared what he was here for. He could have been here for you're eating problems, or something else, you have to eat either way." I agreed, staying standing with Dougie, not wanting to overcrowd the little blonde on the bed, he was already sitting between Danny and Carrie. "exactly, you were eating a while ago, while we were all at home, why can't you now? Are you still feeling all that stress and guilt?" Carrie asked.

Tom shook his head, hugging his knees. "then whats wrong?" Dougie pulled me to bend down in front of the bed, as he looked up into Toms eyes as he bent his head forward. He shrugged, going to tangle his hand in his hair, before whipping his hand away, like he was actually trying to stop pulling on his hair. "Tom, please, whats wrong?"

Tom stayed silent no matter what we asked him, completely avoiding the subject, looking so guilty the whole time. "we don't have to stay in the canteen you know, we can come back here and eat. If you want we can all go out the room so theres no-one looking at you if you don't want us to." Danny suggested, sometimes, he was genius. I had completely forgotten about Toms fear of eating in front of people, we hadn't been with him during meal times in weeks, I had forgotten all about his irrational fear.

"would that be a better idea for you Tom?" I asked, holding his hand, almost wanting to start pleading him to say yes and to just eat. I couldn't stand knowing that the hospital just shoved a tube down his throat every night without a care about his feelings, that he had to wake up and feel that there, having to stay still so he didn't freak out and hurt himself more. Tom went to shake his head, but hesitated, looking up to the door. "go away!" Tom shouted, we all whipped round to see the doctor who had been standing in here earlier.

"go away will you? This isn't a show!" Carrie slammed the door, making the guy jump a little. "who the hell is he?" Dougie asked, looking up to me like I knew. "I don't know, hes just turned up." I shrugged, "but, I think its okay as long as he doesn't do anything. At the moment he just seems to stand there, let him stand there." I added on when Dougie started looking scared. "I don't like him, he's weird." Dougie turned his head to the man still standing there, he was writing on his clipboard, then stopped, looked at us, and walked off. "he is, but he's gone now, so don't think about him. We'll get rid of him properly next time, alright?" I sighed, wondering what the hell he actually wanted. Usually doctors talked to us first, this one just stood there, watching us, writing on his clipboard.

"that nurse said that there was someone she was calling, maybe thats him?" Danny suggested, pulling Tom closer, hiding his face in his chest. "maybe, whoever he is, he isn't helping." I bit my lip in thought, unconsciously reaching out for Dougies hand, interlinking our fingers together. "he isn't, and if he thinks he's going to continue staring at us, he's got another thing coming." Danny sounded serious, and I knew that he would protect Tom from whatever this man wanted, just like he always did.

433 Dougies POV

Luckily, the strange doctor stayed away for the rest of the day, letting us sit together until it was home time, and the nurses kicked us out because Tom was getting sleepy. For once, he actually was getting sleepy by himself, without the help of any drug. I think todays panics had just worn him out so much he actually wanted to sleep. "see you tomorrow guys." I sighed, hugging Tom and Danny, especially Tom. "night, see you tomorrow." Danny smiled, hugging us back, keeping one arm around Tom as he laid on his shoulder, looking so tired.

"think you'll need anything by tomorrow for us to bring you?" Harry asked, hugging the boys as I let go. "erm, don't think so...oh, could you find Tommys glasses? We don't have any contacts left." Danny obviously meant that Tom wasn't able to put them in himself, he was so...helpless at the moment. He didn't speak much, if at all, mostly sat still, hugging his knees. Danny did a lot of things for Tom now, apart from feed or wash him. Tom did those himself, though Danny seemed to end up doing his hair for him, as we had seen him brushing and styling Toms hair a lot.

"alright, we'll find them. Anything else?" Carried smiled, giving Tom an extra long squeeze. "nah, we'll be fine with just glasses." Danny shook his head, straightening Toms hair soothingly. "alright, well, we'll be back in the morning around 10 then." Harry sighed, squeezing my hand as he stood up. "see you then! I won't get up." Danny indicated a now very sleepy Tom on his shoulder, he seemed to be slowly crashing out now from exhaustion. "haha, well sleep tight Tom, we'll be back with your glasses tomorrow." I smiled, watching Tom drop down onto Dannys lap as Danny pushed him there, laying his head on his lap, pillowing it there.

We laughed a little at the sight and wandered out, strolling around the corridors towards the exit. "hello, you're Thomas and Daniels friends, and Thomas's sister, aren't you?" the doctor who had been staring at us suddenly popped up out of nowhere. "yes, what do you want?" Harry glared straight away, his hands pulling me backwards protectively. "I wanted to ask you a few questions about Tom, seeing as you won't let me observe him." The doctor explained, looking too cool at the moment.

"no, not unless you tell us who are and what you want." Harry answered, we didn't even know this mans name, let alone what he wanted. "I'm David Tennant, I'm a psychologist that's been assigned to Toms case. Because he isn't reacting to things in a way that's deemed normal." This 'David' explained, giving us a look that clearly meant that he wasn't lying, he was actually there to 'help' Tom. "yes he is, you don't need to be here." Carrie glared. "now I think you know that's not true. From just what I've observed, I have already seen Toms phobia of food, and his fear of the doctors around him. You can't say that's normal, can you?" David had a point, though we weren't going to tell him that.

"yes it is." I lied. "no, it isn't. and you know that. I'm just here to help, nothing more." David answered, his face softening a little. "yeah, right. You're not going anywhere near Tom, stay away from him." Harry warned, gripping onto my hand, the sign that he didn't trust this man just as little as I did. "I know you're protective of him, but, just let me have see him for just a little while, I could help make his stay here a little easier for all of you." David proposed, that wasn't happening, ever. "no, you're not going near him. Tom is fine, and we'll be out of here soon, so we don't need your help." Carrie growled, she made me think of something, how long was Tom supposed to be in here for? The doctors had sorted out his arms, and had fed him repeatedly for the past two weeks, why weren't we allowed home yet?

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. The doctors in charge aren't keen on sending Tom home until hes had another psychological consult, just to make sure that he doesn't actually need any help." David explained, oh hell, that wasn't good. "well, he doesn't. we have it covered." Harry warned, his voice full of steel, just warning this man to disagree with him. "you are sure about that? You didn't seem like you have Tom under control." David smirked, like he was winning, well, he sort of was. "hes not an animal! We don't control him!" I argued, Tom was not an animal who we controlled, this man couldn't say things that indicated that Tom was anything than human. He wasn't a fully functioning human, but he was still human!

"I wasn't saying that. I meant you didn't seem like you were helping him much earlier." David backtracked quickly, holding his hands up like he was meaning to say that he didn't mean any harm. "we were! We know a hell of a lot more about Tom than you do. You don't know whats best for him, we do." Harry defended, we did know Tom better, this man couldn't just come in and say anything about Tom, someone he hadn't even properly met! "really? Because looking at his records, he hasn't had the best experiences in hospitals over the past couple of years." David read through a few of the charts, the words telling us about Toms past few trips here, about how every single time, he freaked out.

"so what? It means nothing! It means nothing, alright? We've got this all covered, you can't just poke your nose in and mess everything about!" Carrie waved her arms in frustration and panic. "why can't I? its my job to help in these cases." David smirked again, my hate for this man grew, even though I hadn't met him more than 10 minutes ago. "I don't care, you're not going near him and messing him up even more!" I cried, so scared he would decide to come in and mess Toms head up even more than it already was. "its my job, I have to." David answered simply, with a firm edge that dared us to argue. "no you don't, leave us alone. Things will be fine when we go home. Hospitals just bring out Toms fears, that's all." Carrie was almost pleading this man to believe her. "oh really?" now David seemed interested, why did we say that?!


	220. Chapter 220

**Guest 1 - well we'll have to see if he does or not ;)**

**Guest 2 - thank you! :D**

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434 Dannys POV

I gently ran my hand through Toms hair, relaxing him more as he slept, completely worn out, today had really taken its toll on him. I didn't blame him really, I was so tired today, but still so worried. Why were we still here? Why weren't we allowed home yet? Why hadn't we been told anything about Tom and his condition? Why hadn't anyone told us what the doctors were still keeping Tom in for? Surely they weren't just keeping him in just to feed him every night?

A nurse walked in then, breaking me from my thoughts, I looked up at her, watching her check a few machines, writing some things down on Toms clipboard, which was considerably bigger than mine. "when are we going home?" I asked as she moved onto checking me, redoing my bandage. "when you're better." The nurse answered simply, putting some foul smelling solution onto a cotton bud, running it along my stitched wounds, making fire run up and down my arm. "but we are better now, why aren't we going home yet?" I hissed through pain, keeping my other hand tangled in Toms hair like it would help. "you may be mostly better, but Tom isn't, so you're not going home yet." The nurse explained, starting to put another bandage over my arm, covering the evil marks and stitches.

"but I want to go home." I whimpered, I just wanted to get out of here, go away and never return. Tom wasn't being helped in any way here, he was just getting worse, slowly becoming more and more dependent on me, like he was last time we were in hospital. "you may want to, but you're not ready yet." The nurse finished up, walking back out again, leaving us alone. Even with Tom there, I felt so lonely, like I was actually completely on my own. It wasn't even because he was sleeping, I knew he was there physically, but he wasn't Tom, not properly. He was just the shell, a child in some senses. An extremely scared child. The doctors and nurses scared him so much, I wished that they were gentler with him, and didn't try to just rush into tests. I also wished that they would stop feeding him through a tube at night, without even telling him what they were doing. God knows what Tom thought they were doing to him. It killed me over and over to see him looking so scared all the time.

"I'll get you out of here soon, don't worry Tommy. I'll stop them from hurting you." I whispered, moving us to lay down on our beds properly. I put Toms arms around me and wrapped him into my arms, tucking his head under my chin, the position he liked to sleep in the most. In sleep, Tom cuddled closer, nuzzling into me. I smiled, at least he wanted to cuddle again, I had probably missed this the most, hugging. Not doing anything, just hugging each other, that was all, just laying close to each other, in a comfortable silence, actually feeling like we were stuck in a little world of our own. "I love you so much Tommy, I'm going to get you home, so you're safe." I promised, gently kissing Toms head, pulling our blanket around us, hoping that the doctors weren't going to come in and send Tom into a proper sleep, and shove the tube down his throat.

We managed to lay in silence for so long, I almost fell asleep myself, but my phone buzzed. I picked it up to see I had a text from Harry, explaining that the doctor who had been staring at us was a psychologist that wanted to look at Tom. I whimpered, Tom was not seeing a shrink! He wasn't going near a shrink, they would only mess his head up and mess up his already warped image of hospitals even more! This psychologist would freak him out so much, even if he meant to help, he wasn't going near Tom!

435 Toms POV

I woke up in what I guessed was morning, feeling my jaw start to ache. "afternoon Tommy." Danny whispered, I opened my eyes to see him looking straight at me, a soft smile on his face. I whimpered and nuzzled into him, not wanting to face today, just wanting to stay in his arms and forget we were still in hospital, and that there was a tube down my...wait a minute, I could actually _close _my mouth. "aw, you're tired still aren't you?" Danny laughed, _mocking you, _"you've still got to get up though Tommy, before everyone turns up. Come on, rise and shine!" Danny encouraged, he sounded nervous. _He's scared you're going to start screaming and freaking out, and facing spending another day with you. _

I ignored the voice and nuzzled further into Dannys arms, refusing to leave. "baby, you've got to get up, please. The doctors need you to do something, it won't take long, and afterwards we can cuddle up again and not leave the bed again for the rest of the day." Danny made me freeze dead still. I was not doing something with the doctors! They weren't going near me! I shook my head wildly, clinging onto him desperately. I wasn't going with them! "no, no, no!" I whimpered, _they'll push you around, treat you like an animal, tell you you're worthless and not worth treating. _

"Tommy please, come on, it won't take long. Its just a quick check up, right?" Danny sounded like he was about to start begging. "yes, its just a check up." A random person answered, they were here?! "see? Its just a quick thing, don't worry baby." Danny whispered, his arms never leaving me, but still trying to get me off him, _disgusted. _"no! Not going!" I whined, I wasn't going anywhere! Especially with doctors! I wasn't leaving this room, I was safe in this room! "Tom, _please, _just come with us, I'll be here. I won't let them hurt you, I promise." Danny bargained, I whimpered again, shaking my head. "please, it'll mean they'll stop bothering us today." Danny leant our heads together, looking right into my eyes, so much pleading inside that I had to give in.

"fine." I whispered, getting off the bed with Danny, following along behind him as the doctors lead us down a series of corridors. I stayed as close as I could, practically leaning on him, feeling my legs turn to jelly and my lungs start to close off in pure fear. I didn't like the doctors and nurses, they touched me, they looked at me, making tutting noises before writing things down on their charts. They judged me all the time, always disapproving of something about me, _your face, body, hair, personality or lack of..._the voice answered, listing off everything wrong about me, making me feel even worse. This was exactly what I didn't need right now. "don't worry Tommy, it'll be fine, just a quick check up, alright? Then we'll go back to our room and you can go and draw for a while." Danny smiled a little, stroking my hair gently, making me sit down on a chair type thing.

The doctors did so many tests, checking my arm mostly, and my eyesight, and 10001 other things. It was horrible, feeling them touch me. "right just one more thing to check, could you hop on the scales for a minute?" the doctor went _too _far, I was not going near a set of scales! They would see I was underweight and make me eat more! I wasn't going to go there! They weren't going to do that! "Tommy, just this, then we're going, alright? We're going after this, please, just get on the scales." Danny pleaded again. "no!" I shook my head, I wasn't getting on the scales! "Tommy please, its the last thing, then they'll leave you alone." Danny begged, catching my cheek in my hand, making me look at him, right in the eye. "no! No, not doing it!" I refused, I was not doing that, just so they could say to me that I was too thin and had to eat. I liked being this thin, people didn't take the mick out of me for being this thin, they left me alone, I just wanted to be left alone.

Footsteps walked into the room, I looked round to see the weird doctor looking at me, already looking disapproving of me. "go away! Why are you here too?!" I cried, I hated being looked at the best of times, let alone now while I was about to scream and run away, or be pushed onto some scales and told I wasn't good enough like usual. "ignore him Tommy." Danny advised, but I couldn't. "no, just go away! You can't be here!" I shouted, hurting my throat so much. "I'm just here to see if you do this, and how you react, ignore me." The man said in a Scottish accent, giving me a small smirk. _If you don't, he's going to lock you up like an animal! _The voice chanted.

"Tommy, ignore him, or better yet, prove him wrong, show him you can do this. Show him you're not like what he thinks." Danny encouraged, holding my hands in his, making me look at him. "b-but," I started, not wanting to get on those scales, but if I could prove someone wrong..._cause more trouble, create more work for him probably too. _But he was weird, he kept on staring, I didn't like him, maybe I could just prove him wrong just to annoy him? _What, like you do with everyone else? _Well, yeah, but this was different. I didn't want this guy to like me, I wanted him to leave me alone.

"come with me?" I whispered, nervously looking at the expectant looking doctors. "of course. I was going to anyway, I'm proud of you, so proud of you." Danny kissed my cheek, leading us towards the scales, holding onto my hand as I stood on the dreaded scales. "5 stone, dangerously underweight, as I expected." The doctor reeled off, writing down on the chart, shaking his head. "oh baby, you really are underweight." Danny sighed, wrapping his long arms around me, I was so small that he could easily wrap his long arms around me and still have most of his arms left hanging. Before he hadn't had that much arm left _because you were fat. Now, you're too thin, at least no-ones taking the mick, now they're just too concerned over you. Always causing trouble, aren't you? _

"I-I'm sorry... I-I can't, I-I..." I trailed off, not sure what to say. "Tom, I think we need to talk about your eating habits." The Scottish man stepped forward, actually looking sympathetic for once. "no! Go away! Get away from me!" I screamed, panicking. He wasn't coming near me! He was going to send me away and lock me up like an animal! They always looked sympathetic, and then they turned! I wasn't going to talk to him! "shh Tommy, take a deep breath. Look, this isn't exactly a good time to be saying that, can't you leave it for me to talk to him?" Danny sighed, he knew this man? What was going on? _Dannys planning on sending you away to a cage. Filthy animal. _

"w-whats happening?! Why is he here? Whats going on?!" I cried, writhing in Dannys arms. "oh god...er, Tommy, this man wants to talk to you. And I don't want him to, and I'm sure you don't want it either. But he insists." Danny explained, holding me still in his arms. "no! Go away! I'm not talking to you!" I refused, he wasn't talking to me, no way! "and why not?" the man asked, stepping forward again. "y-you'll hurt me! You'll throw me in a cage! Y-you'll do what they always do!" I cried, turning to hide in Dannys arms now, needing his comfort. "right," the man dragged out the word, "I think its best to give him some time to calm down." The man nodded to the doctor, who produced a few pills from a bottle in his pocket. "no! Go away!" I cried, writhing in Dannys arms again, feeling so confused and scared. I didn't want to take anything! They could do anything to me! What would they do to me when I wasn't awake? "Tommy, let them do this, you need to calm down, you're hyperventilating." Danny whispered, keeping me still as the doctor came up, forcing me to take the pills, shoving them down my throat. And slowly, again, for the thousandth time, the world faded away from me.


	221. Chapter 221

**Guest - i'd say its pretty painful to watch it happen :/**

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436 Harrys POV

I span Dougie round under my arm, making him giggle for the first time in weeks, before bringing him back into my arms, starting to slow dance. "Harry, I can't dance, you know that." Dougie blushed self consciously, almost turning the colour of his headband. "didn't stop you a few weeks ago at the photo shoot." I smiled, kissing his head gently. "yeah, but, that was different." Dougie blushed bright red, looking away to the floor. "stand on my feet then. I'll guide you." I picked Dougie up and put him on my feet, still slowly spinning us round.

"we don't have time, we've got to get to the hospital, cause of that doctor guy." Dougie bit his lip, trying to get off, but I wouldn't let him. "Doug, we still have an hour until we're allowed in, we're fine. Let your hair down a little, for just a few minutes, alright? Just, let this happen, go with the flow." I pleaded, pulling his headband off so his hair fell over his face. "alright, just for a few minutes, thats it." Dougie gave in, letting me spin him round and dance with me, starting to smile and laugh again, looking beautiful, exactly like the boy I fell in love with.

"I love you." Dougie whispered first, leaning forward a little, not needing to go up on tip toes because he was the same height as me more or less."I love you too." I smiled, gently kissing him, feeling my heart flutter inside my chest, having missed this _so much. _"I don't want to move." Dougie whimpered as we broke apart, practically reading my thoughts. "I don't either." I admitted, tangling my hands in his hair like it would help him stay close. "we have to go though, cause of Tom, and Danny...and the doctor guy." Dougie sighed, leaning his head on my own. "five more minutes, alright, five more minutes." I begged, I had missed being close like this, just me and Dougie, being close, being together, without anyone else around. We hadn't had a moment like this in possibly two years, I was craving this. "five more minutes." Dougie agreed, not moving his face away from mine, keeping his whole body plastered to mine.

We didn't move for five minutes, possibly longer, just stood where we were, staring into each others eyes, like this was the last time we were going to lay eyes on each other. After this moment, it was going to take possibly months to find another moment like this one, we had to make the most of it while we could. "guys, are you ready to go? Oh...sorry are you in the middle of something?" Carrie made us jump, turning to look at her. "yeah, yeah we're ready to go." I sighed, giving Dougie a kiss to his cheek, putting him on his own feet again.

Dougie clung to me to the car, he clearly didn't want to let go yet, didn't want to go back to seeing how broken Tom and Danny were. But we had to, even if we didn't want to. We wanted to see Tom and Danny obviously, but not at the hospital, not while they were in the states they were in. Danny was only just holding it together, the doctors scared him so much, even when he didn't show it. He still tried to stay as strong as possible, for poor little Tom, who was losing himself more and more every day. He was now so dependent on Danny, it hurt to see him either forced into medically induced sleep or so scared by simple things like leaving the room to go to the canteen. It wasn't right, Tom was supposed to be a happy, bouncy guy, who was running around with us, laughing, joking, _smiling. _Tom wasn't even smiling, and it wasn't right that he wasn't even smiling.

Arriving at the hospital, we found Tom and Danny tucked up in bed together, the both of them looking so tired. Tom was resting his head on Dannys chest, fisting his shirt in his hands, he looked like he had been crying heavily. Danny was whispering in his ear, gently running his right hands fingers over Toms back, his left hand just hugging the tiny little blonde close to him. The TV was playing quietly in the background, as it always was, always stuck on the Disney Channel.

"Tommy, the doctors are right, you have to eat, you'll never get out of here if you don't eat. They just want to you to get better, we all do, please, you need to try at the very least." Danny was whispering, sounding like he was in the middle of a very long speech. Tom shook his head defiantly, but he never let go of Danny, like he was trying to cling to him for dear life.

437 Dougies POV

"you have to Tommy, you have to eat, its so important that you do. We don't have to go to the canteen if you don't want to, we can all stay here, and we won't look at you either if you don't want us to." Danny bargained, he hadn't even noticed that we were here, too wrapped up in talking to Tom. "no!" Tom whined, dragging out the word. "why not Tommy? Why don't you want to do it? You managed just a few weeks ago, whats wrong now?" Danny asked, his hand stopping trailing patterns, holding onto Toms shoulder now, like he would run off soon. Tom shrugged, nuzzling into Dannys chest more. "Tom, come on, talk to me. We can't help you unless you tell us why you're finding this difficult." Danny stopped using his soft voice, using a tougher one instead.

"hey guys." Tom noticed us, looking so thankful that we had turned up. "oh hey guys." Danny turned to look at us, keeping a tight grip on Tom still, even as he moved. "hey, what were you just talking about?" I asked, it looked like Danny had been getting somewhere with Tom then, I didn't want to stop that progress just by walking in with everyone else. "nothing." Tom replied first, looking so guilty, like he felt guilty just for talking. "we were talking about you not eating." Danny answered, sitting up a little, still keeping Tom in his arms, making sure he stayed still to hear this.

"no we weren't!" Tom paled, looking panicky. He _really _didn't want to talk about this. "yes, we were. Tom, please, you know that its wrong, you _know _that you have to eat, and if you don't, you won't get out of here. And we all know that you don't like hospitals, why can't you understand that eating means getting out of here?" Danny sighed, stroking Toms face. "b-but... I can't," Tom whimpered, his hands fisting as he looked away to the corner, looking so ashamed and scared of himself.

"why not?" I asked, stepping forward, feeling Harry and Carrie step forward too, all of us crowding closer to the bed. Tom shrugged, still not looking up, still ashamed. "come on, you can tell us why, we'll help you." Harry encouraged, running his fingers over Toms shoulder. "I-I just can't." Tom whispered, his voice shaking as his hands did. "Tommy, please. Tell us. You need to tell us. We can help, we'll make it better, easier, anything so you can eat again. Please just tell us whats going on inside your head thats making things so hard for you to eat." Danny pleaded, squeezing Tom, bringing him as close as possible.

Tom whimpered loudly again, pressing into Dannys chest like it would hide him from the conversation. "Tom _please _you need to tell us." Carrie begged, giving her best pleading look. "please, so we can sort this out and take you home." I pleaded, also giving Tom a pleading look. I just wanted to bring Tom home now, he wasn't getting any better, and he just looked so scared all the time, why couldn't we take him home and sort him out there? "I don't want to talk about it." Tom whispered, as the door opened. We all turned round to see the nurse who came in everyday to remind us of lunch, here we go.

"so who wants to know whats on offer today then?" she smiled, breaking us from our conversation completely. "erm, can you come back in a while? We were in the middle of something then." Danny asked sheepishly, the nurse nodded, wandering back out again. "now Tommy, where were we...Tommy?" Danny looked to his lap, finding no Tom. A half cried whimpered filled the room again, we all looked up to see Tom standing in a corner, looking beyond scared now. "don't make me talk about it." Tom started to cry, sliding down the wall. How the hell did Tom get there for a start off?

"oh baby, you really don't want to do this do you?" Danny melted, getting off the bed and crawling over to his boyfriend, wrapping him into his arms. Tom shook his head, looking so unbelievably scared and helpless, and so, so painfully small. He looked so tiny next to Danny, especially when Dannys hand rested on his head, stroking his hair, he looked _tiny. _It was scary, so painfully scary. Couldn't Tom just eat, and gain some weight, and stop being so scared all the time? Why couldn't we just go home, and sort this out at home? We could manage this at home, but not now, not here. Not with all these people pressuring Tom and scaring him half to death.


	222. Chapter 222

**Guest - thanks! :D**

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438 Dannys POV

The nurse returned a few minutes later, with Doctor Tennant behind her, the five of us froze solid at the sight of him. "what do you want?! Get out of here!" I warned, glaring at him straight away. "I'm here because its lunch time, and Tom hasn't eaten since getting here, and shows signs of an eating disorder." He answered, saying the dreaded words. 'eating disorder' was banned from being said around us, because Tom did _not _have an eating disorder again, he was scared, that was all. He was scared and worried, and when Tom worried, he found difficult to eat, that was it. He was not suffering from an eating disorder!

Tom whimpered into my neck, hiding away as far as he possibly could into me, he really didn't want to see this doctor, or eat. I guessed that this mornings check up was still fresh in his mind, trying to tear him apart, even though eating would help the problem. "shh Tommy." I whispered, kissing his hair. "Tom doesn't have an eating disorder, if you just stopped trying to force him into eating straight away without giving him any warning, you might get somewhere." Harry stood up, facing the hospital staff, a human barrier between us and them.

"oh really? Are you sure about that?" Tennants eyebrow raised disbelievingly. "yes! We know Tom better than anyone, I'm his freaking sister, I _know _how to sort this out, so just shut up and leave it, alright!" Carrie stood up too, practically begging with her face and her words for this doctor to believe us. "let us get on with it by ourselves, alright? We can handle it. We always do." Harry carried on, Tom whimpered again, hugging me tightly. "don't make me please don't make me. I don't want to." Tom shook his head, luckily whispering, so no-one else heard.

"shh Tommy, we'll sort it out, okay? Just, keep quiet for a while, don't talk for a little while." I didn't want this doctor to hear Tom speak, I didn't want him to think he was as bad as Tom was. "alright, we'll get you some lunch and let you try your way, if it doesn't work, we're doing this my way." Doctor Tennant warned, leaving us alone. "thank god for that, so, what do you want anyway? We'll get you some stuff." Harry sighed, grabbing Dougies hand, pulling him off the bed. "anything will do, maybe some crisps for Tommy." I replied, running my hand over Toms arm, trying to calm him in some way. I knew he was scared, I just wanted to help out in some way.

Harry, Dougie and Carrie went out together, leaving me and Tom by ourselves in the room again by ourselves. "we'll take this slowly, alright? As slowly as you want." I whispered, wiping away the tears rolling down Toms cheek. "don't, please! I-I don't want to!" Tom whimpered, pushing into my chest again. "you have to baby, do you want to use this way that goes at your own pace, or do you want to go through this doctors way, which will undoubtedly be a thousand times worse? Please, just try, just a bite is enough, I swear, one bite at the least will prove that you don't have an eating disorder." I pleaded, stroking his hair. "n-no!" Tom cried, shaking his head. "please, Tommy, you want to go home, right?" I got a nod, "then you _have _to do this, or you'll be staying here for even longer. Just prove to them that its just your fear of hospitals, alright? Prove to them its just that and nothing more." I grabbed hold of his hand, feeling just how frail it was. It scared me, scared me _so much, _there should have been some sort of fat on Toms body, but there seemed like there wasn't, it terrified me.

"but I-I don't want, I-I don't like..." Tom trailed off, he looked so ashamed, like he knew it was bad that he wasn't eating but didn't want to stop. "please, Tommy, just _try._" I pleaded, looking right into his scared eyes, he was so unsure, like he honestly didn't know what to do with himself, "please, try, it'll mean everything, and it'll mean we can go home sooner. We've been here too long as it is, we'll get out of here soon, if you just eat."

"we'll go home?" Tom asked, I nodded. "we'll go home baby, we'll go home and cuddle up on the sofa, put on a DVD, and not move until you want to." I promised, kissing his hair, wishing that we could just go home and do that right now. I hated being here, with all these stupid hospital staff telling what I could and couldn't do, freaking Tom out and scaring him, making him worse mentally. He may have been getting better physically, not mentally, which scared me more than anything. "I-I'll try." Tom whispered, he looked terrified.

439 Toms POV

I shook as Harry, Dougie and Carrie came back in again, carrying the dreaded food. I whimpered loudly, hiding in Dannys chest, I didn't want to even _look _at the food. "shhh baby, shhh. Its okay, come on, look up." Danny whispered, rubbing my arm. I shook my head, whimpering and shoving my face further into Dannys chest. "come on, Tommy, remember what we have talked about. You have to try at the very least." Danny kissed my hair, bringing my head up to look at him.

"Tom, please." Carrie pleaded, showing me the bag of crisps. "b-but I can't... I c-can't." I cried, I didn't want to touch it, didn't want to eat it, didn't want to go near my mouth! What if the tube was still there?! It wasn't there this morning, or was I just so used to it, I didn't even notice it was there?! I couldn't reach up and put my hand near my mouth, I would find that tube again, and I couldn't find that tube there! "you can Tommy. just hold the bag. Go on, just hold it." Danny put the bag in my hands, keeping his face pressed to mine.

"but, but!" I shook my head, turning round to see that doctor leaning on the door, staring at us! "Tommy, _please, _prove him wrong, please, prove him wrong. You can do it, prove him wrong." Danny begged, whispering quietly into my ear. "you can prove him wrong, we've proved loads of people wrong before, we can prove them wrong again this time." Harry encouraged, sending glares at the doctor. "I-I, but, I-Its..." I stuttered, staring at the bag of dreaded crisps. Danny took them off me, opening the bag and picking out a single crisp, holding it to my mouth. "Tommy, just open your mouth. Just open your mouth and it'll be okay." Danny encouraged, it felt like years, just looking back and forth between Danny and the doctor in the door way. _Don't you f*cking DARE don't you even think about it. _

I shook my head, I couldn't do this! I couldn't! I couldn't just open my mouth and eat, it was wrong! It was wrong and disgusting, my stomach was lurching over just thinking about it, let alone if I actually did it! I couldn't! "Tommy, please, just do this, so we can go home." Danny begged, he looked so pleadingly at me, but I just couldn't do it! _They just want to go home, nothing more. Don't do it! _"I-I can't, no!" I whimpered, hiding my face in my knees. "Tom, please. Prove to the doctor that you can eat, we'll go home if you do this." Dougie pleaded, hugging me, making me shake even more, I didn't want to be touched right now!

_Don't do it, don't you dare do it! Leave it be, you must not eat this you are not worth it! _The voice screamed, screaming over and over until I started crying. I just felt torn in a thousand different ways, I wanted to please everyone, and prove that doctor wrong so we could go home. But, I couldn't just go and eat something, if I opened my mouth, the tube could be shoved down my throat again, _it could still be there, _it couldn't go back in! I didn't want to choke, be force fed again! Couldn't I just be left alone?

"Tom, just hold it, just hold this crisp, it won't hurt you." Danny encouraged, _no holding, no looking, no eating, no nothing! _"leave me alone!" I cried, pushing him and Dougie away. "Tommy, please, you have to do this, please just try. Prove to everyone you can please!" Danny pleaded, his arms coming around me again. "they'll use the doctors way if you don't do this, it will be horrible Tom, please, just try!" Carrie sounded so worried, making my insides twist in knots.

"you promised to try Tommy, I know its scary, but, please, just hold the crisp for a little while. Its not going to hurt you, just open your hand and hold it." Danny made my knotted insides tighten, I knew I said I would try, but I couldn't do it! I couldn't do this, it was too much, just the thought of opening my mouth to put food in was too much, I couldn't do it! "I-I'm sorry, I can't!" I cried, shaking my head. _Like always, always the weak one, its pathetic, just pathetic. _


	223. Chapter 223

**FLOYNTERxxx - its okay! well it may have to get a little worse before it can get better i'm afraid :/**

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440 Dannys POV

No matter what we did, Tom wouldn't even look up, let alone touch the food we had given him. Doctor Tennant was giving us a very disapproving look the whole time, like he knew that we weren't getting anywhere and he highly doubted that we would get anywhere. Eventually, he left, as Tom fell into my arms, sobbing out how sorry he felt. My heart broke all over again, just hearing how upset Tom was, and how this situation was affecting Tom, making him so scared. I knew I shouldn't have pushed that much that quickly either, because it didn't help Tom much, but I had been so desperate to get Tom to eat to prove to that doctor that he could eat. I just wanted us to go home together now, I was willing to do anything to get Tom home.

"I-I'm so sorry! I-I can't, I just can't!" Tom cried, holding onto my shirt and clinging to me. "its okay, you were scared baby. We haven't tried to eat in a while, its scary. We'll get better at it, I'm sure we'll get better at it." I sighed, nuzzling into Toms hair, squeezing him close. "I-I'm so sorry." Tom whimpered, turning to hide inside my shoulder, the poor boy looking so heartbreakingly tiny it made me want to pick him up and take him home right now. "shhh Tommy, we'll work on it, we'll get better at it." I whispered, kissing his head, rubbing his arm.

Footsteps were heard at the door again, I looked up to see Doctor Tennant again, I could always see everyone turn to glare at him at the same time. "I need to talk to you all, would you come with me?" the doctor asked, I froze again, no way was I going near him! "no, I'm staying here." I shook my head, he wasn't going to talk to me, he would fill our heads with lies. "I need you too Danny, this directly effects you, and I think you want whats best for Tom, am I right?" the doctor raised an eyebrow, Tom whimpered as his name was mentioned.

"fine, two minutes." I growled, helping Tom up, taking him to the bed and sitting him down gently. "I'll be a minute Tommy, just sit here and watch Fairly Odd Parents, alright?" I kissed his forehead, making sure Tom was alright on the bed, before trudging over to the doctor, joining Harry, Dougie and Carrie. "I think you know that todays lunch plan didn't go the way you planned it." The doctor started, I already hated the way this was going. "well, Tom doesn't like people staring at him, it put him off." I defended, Tom was not going to be put under this doctors care, so this doctor could shut up right now.

"well his behaviour didn't seem to reflect that. I think its best for everyone involved if you guys go home at the end of the day, so we can try ourselves with Tom." Doctor Tennant explained, my heart actually stopped inside my chest, was he serious?! "what? No, hell no! I'm not going home, I'm not leaving Tom here with you, no way!" I almost shouted, I wasn't leaving Tom here! "and why not?" he asked, looking too cool for someone who was being glared at by four separate people. "cause, you'll hurt him! You'll scare him, and I'm not letting you hurt or scare my Tommy!" I growled, _no-one _touched Tom, ever, I didn't care what was wrong with him, no-one touched him. He was mine, I could handle him, this doctor didn't know Tom, didn't know all his little problems and his little quirks, he would see everything as something wrong with him, I wasn't letting him near my boyfriend!

"no I won't, I'll be helping him. From what I see, you seem to give make Tom worse, you panic him more by overcrowding him. It'll be better to try again without him being pushed and told a hundred and one different things, and go at the pace we need to go at." The doctor gave me a dirty look, like it was me who was to blame! "no, f*ck off! You're not going near Tom!" Harry argued, subconsciously grabbing hold of Dougie, pulling him behind his larger body, like somehow he was in danger too.

"I can if I want to, you three have to go soon anyway, and we can discharge Danny any time we like, he's finished his treatment, we've only really kept him here to keep an eye on him and because he seemed to calm Tom down. But we've now seen that you seem to distress him more." The doctor shrugged, he wasn't going to do this! He wasn't going to take me away from Tom, he wasn't touching him!

441 Toms POV

Danny was shouting something, arguing with the doctor outside the room, the door was closed, I couldn't hear what he was saying. _Its about you, why else would you be in here by yourself? _But, why wasn't I being involved in the conversation if it was about me? _Because you can't make your own decisions, so they're not talking to you. _But, I wanted to know what was going on! _Go and see then, idiot. _Slowly, I got up, walking out to the door, opening it to hear what was going on.

"I'm not going home! No way! You can't make me, I refuse!" Danny shook his head, looked terrified. "none of us are going home if you think you're going anywhere near Tom, you can't make us!" Harry agreed, gripping Dougie so close like he was going to be ripped from his arms. "I'm sorry, but thats my decision to make, you'll all be going home tonight." The doctor shrugged like he didn't care at all, I whimpered, making everyone turn to me. _Nice one, now they're going to lie to you. _"Tom go back inside, you don't have to worry about this. Go back inside and watch your cartoons." Danny looked at me with such fear, he was about to cry. "b-but why are you crying?" I whimpered, not used to asking questions, I never asked questions. _Because you shouldn't. _

"I'm not crying baby, I'm just... I don't even know, its fine, okay? Go back inside, alright? We'll sort it out." Danny came over, kissing my nose gently, framing my face with his hands. "your cheeks are wet though." I wiped away the tears, scared over them. "its nothing Tommy, I swear. The lights burn a little, alright? Go back inside, its fine." Danny leant his head against mine, sniffing loudly. "w-why can't I stay with you?" I whispered, pressing closer for once, feeling so scared, and I don't even know why.

"you don't want to hear this Tommy, trust me. Its for the best if you stay inside." Danny shook his head, kissing me again, gently pushing me back inside the room and closing the door. _They don't want you there, of course they don't, just go and sit in a corner again. Its for the best to stay in the corner, keeping out of the way. _I followed orders and went to hide in a corner, curling up there until the door opened again, revealing Danny, Harry, Dougie, Carrie and Doctor Tennant. "oh, visiting hours are over, better get moving then." The doctor smirked, as Danny ran to hug me close.

"I-I'm sorry Tommy, he's making me go, I-I'm sorry. But I'll be back tomorrow, I promise, I'll be back tomorrow." Danny ran his hand over my face, actually crying now. "w-what? Whats going on?" I asked, standing up as he did. "Tommy, I'm going home, they're making me go home. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but he's making me go home. He won't let me stay, he'll force me if I don't go. I don't want to, but they're making me." Danny whimpered, hugging me close. "no don't go! Please don't go!" I cried, _they'll leave you here to die! _"I have to Tommy, I'm so sorry. I'll be back tomorrow though, I swear, I will be back tomorrow." Danny kissed my head again, letting me go.

"no, no, please. Stay! Don't go, don't leave me here!" I begged, grabbing hold of him again, desperately. "I'm sorry, he's making me, I have to go." Danny pulled me close again, squeezing me so close it hurt. I didn't care, I need this, I needed this hug, I needed his warmth and his strength to survive. "don't leave me, please don't leave me!" I sobbed, feeling so scared, I couldn't spend a night on my own here! At home, maybe, but not here! Not in this evil place, full of evil doctors and evil machines and just...evil! "I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry, I'll be back tomorrow. I swear I'll be back tomorrow." Danny cried, giving me the biggest kiss I had possibly ever been given.

"don't leave, please don't leave." I whispered, chasing Danny to the door, watching him leave and crying hysterically. Wanting to just go home. "I'm coming back tomorrow, okay, I'm coming back tomorrow." Danny called one last time, a nurse coming over and holding me back, so I didn't run after him as he got dragged down the corridor behind Harry, Dougie and Carrie. "back inside Tom, we have some work to do." The nurse yanked me back inside, the second they all disappeared from the end of the corridor.

I scrambled backwards into a corner, wanting to scream as the Doctor Tennant came in, holding dreaded food. "go away! Leave me alone! I want to go home!" I shouted, shoving him and the nurse away. "now Thomas, we need to do this, its a serious matter not eating. Now come on, open your mouth and eat, it'll make things easier." Doctor Tennant warned, coming back, starting to pin me to the wall. _He's touching you! He's getting disgusted, he'll realise you're worthless and just shove food down your throat! _"get off me! Leave me alone!" I screamed, trying to push him away, but I couldn't! He was too strong, I couldn't push him even a little away from me.

"go away! Leave me-" I got cut off as a spoon full of yoghurt got shoved into my mouth, making me gag. "swallow it, go on, swallow it." The nurse encouraged, pinning my arms to the wall so I couldn't push anyone away. "never! Go away! Leave me alone!" I screamed out again, resorting to kicking them away, trying to spit out as much of the mouthful as possible. "Thomas, stop kicking _now. _Its not a good behaviour." The doctor growled, pressing a button on the remote to make more people come in.

I screamed again as they all jumped on me, man handling me to the ground, forcing me to lay there. I couldn't move a muscle, I was stuck to the ground, incapable of movement because of all the hands keeping me to the floor. "stop screaming will you? You'll wake up the other patients." Doctor Tennant put his hand over my mouth, stopping me screaming. _Get his hand off now and carry on screaming! Get someone to help! _I was warned, I tried being nice and licking his hand, it didn't do anything, so I bit, _hard. _"ow! You little sh*t!" the doctor swore, glaring at me as I started screaming again.

"get off of me! Help me! Someone help me! Please!" I screamed, trying my hardest to get out of this hold. "he's hysterical, we're not going to get him to calm down, we have to restrain him." Tennant ordered, the nurses hauling me up and onto the bed, holding me down until things came round my wrists and ankles, even as everyone let go I couldn't move. _Pinned like an animal, next will be a cage, you'll never be let go of. _The voice made me panic so much, I swear I have never screamed and fought so much in my whole entire life. Panic gripped my whole body, making my heart rush and everything go into overdrive. I just needed to get free, the whole world felt like it was going into cave in and suffocate me.

"let me go! Let me go! Help me!" I writhed, panicking so much I almost lost my voice, making myself choke. "he's not getting any better, and we can't leave him to scream, waking up the other patients. Give him something that will calm him down a little, not enough to send him out completely, but enough to shut him up." The doctor ordered, I screamed even more, until something was pushed into my arm and everything slowed down. Slowly, my arms stopped moving, the same with my legs, my screaming stopped too, it was like I physically couldn't do anything, I was just...stuck, unable to move or talk, but still awake.

"there we go, thats better, isn't it? Thats much better. You're going to take a lot of work." The doctor walked out, leaving me by myself, unable to move or cry out anymore. I just laid there, sobbing and sobbing until there was nothing left for me to cry. _Pathetic, simply pathetic. _The monster tutted, giving the most unhelpful comments ever, making me feel even worse, if that possible. "p-please, h-help me." I whimpered a few hours later, as a nurse came in, lifting up the barriers on either side of the bed.

"thats what I'm doing, now keep still." She mumbled, undoing the restraints and taking them away. _Freedom! Run! _I tried, but I couldn't, I was still incapable of movement! I whimpered, my head falling to the side as I started crying. The bed moved through corridor after corridor, until it stopped outside the examination room again... what the hell?! "ah, now we can actually get something done without Danny being in the way, and without you freaking out." The medical doctor smiled, lifting up my paralysed body and doing even more tests on me, taking off my tshirt and trousers, looking at all my scars and tutting disapprovingly. "n-no! G-go away!" I cried uselessly, unable to push him away as his hands ran over my arms and legs, feeling all the cuts, pain shooting up my arms and legs.

"cuts healing well, still causing pain, but thats understandable. Now do a weight check." He lifted me up and put me on the scales, making me start to sob as the scales showed '5 stone'. I knew it was bad, just looking down at myself was enough to make myself feel physically sick. But I hadn't thought that I was that bad yet! _Told you, you were horrible and disgusting. _But 5 stone was better than 15 stone, no-one took the mick when people were this small, _because they're too disgusted. _"dangerously underweight, as I thought. Someone get his feeding tube. Better get something good out of this." The doctor ordered, the nurses coming in and shoving the choking tube down my throat as the doctor finished and laid me back down on the bed.

The wordlessly rolled me back to my room again, shoving more needles into my skin and restraining me again as I started to move again. _Tied down, gagged and unable to go anywhere, pretty much an animal, wouldn't you say? _


	224. Chapter 224

**LeilaTheGalaxyDefender - that would be a good plan...**

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442 Harrys POV

Danny had never run so fast in his life than then the morning after he got send home with us, he was literally running as fast as he possibly could. He was desperate to see Tom, we all were, but Danny hadn't spent a day away from Tom in about two weeks, he was so scared for his condition. Like leaving Tom alone for a night would snap him into tiny pieces. "he's going to be fine, he's going to be fine, he'll be fine." Danny chanted to himself, running down the white corridors, trying desperately to find Toms room. "Danny, Toms room is down here." I pulled him down another corridor, finally reaching Toms room.

"Tom? Tom are you in here?" Danny whispered, finding Tom on his bed, or at least a lump of duvet on the bed. It was shivering, crying sounds coming from underneath it. Danny surged forward, clambering onto the bed, pulling the blanket away, revealing Tom sobbing into his knees. "Tommy, whats up? What have they done to you?" Danny looked heartbroken at the tears, wrapping the boy into his arms.

"Tom, what happened?" I asked, kneeling in front of him when he didn't answer. "s-so many needles, s-so many people, so little stone." Tom cried, his head falling onto his knees, looking beyond helpless. "huh? Tom, whats happened? What did they do to you?" Danny whispered, running his hands over Toms arms and sides, like that would tell him what was wrong. "touching, too much touching!" Tom shook his head, yanking on his hair painfully hard again.

"touching? Who touched you baby?" Danny pulled Toms hands away, for the hundredth time, linking their fingers and kissing Toms messy hair. Tom shook his head again, almost physically radiating his distress, he looked so unbelievably scared and stressed out, like he hadn't had a wink of sleep all night and had gone through the most stressful night of his life. "Tom, tell us whats happened. What have they done to you?" I pressed, seeing Dougie move to lean on Toms side, hugging him tight.

"t-they touched me, I-I couldn't move!" Tom sobbed, shaking so much it was scary, scratching at his arms weakly. "oh Tommy, its okay now, they're not going to touch you while we're here." Danny kissed Toms hair again, rubbing his side as the door opened. Both of Toms doctors came in, they were stony faced, like they knew we were ready for a fight. "what did you do to him?!" Danny glared, holding Toms head in his shoulder. "we didn't do anything to Tom. Everything we did was Toms own doing." The medical doctor (I wasn't sure of his name) explained, shrugging cooly. "that isn't true, what did you do to Tom?" I backed Danny up, glaring at these doctors. "nothing, nothing at all. We did another all over check, just to double check Toms as healthy as we're led to believe and, we gave him his normal night time treatment, that was it." The doctor shrugged again, meaning sending Tom to sleep and force feed him through a tube.

"that doesn't explain this!" Danny indicated Toms sobbing form, as he cried uselessly into his shoulder. "I think it does, Toms ill and has a fear of hospitals, this is generally normal behaviour for someone in Toms situation." Doctor Tennant replied, looking so calm, like he was so innocent in this. "no its not! You don't know Tom, this isn't normal what did you do?!" Danny whimpered, he looked so scared. "nothing, we just used certain disciplines when we needed to, that was all." Doctor Tennant shrugged again, maintaining that calm look, putting us all on edge.

443 Dougies POV

I gripped onto Tom harder as the doctors explained that they hadn't done anything to Tom over the night. They blatantly had done something to him, Tom hadn't been this distressed yesterday, he had been able to make full, proper sentences yesterday. Now it seemed like he couldn't, and Tom just looked, so scared. "will you stop lying and go away?! We don't want or need you here, go away!" Danny practically shouted, pulling Tom onto his lap, protecting him in his long arms.

"I need to do a morning check up first if you don't mind." The other doctor stepped forward, we all crowded round Tom more, he wasn't going _anywhere _near Tom. "no, get out! Toms fine, completely fine, he doesn't need you to look at him!" Carrie warned, getting off the bed, pushing the man out the door. "fine, we'll check him over later." The doctor warned, walking out, leaving us with Tom again.

It took hours to get Tom to stop crying, and when he did, he was so different, almost childlike. But, he was still so distressed, staying as tensed as guitar strings, never managing to look in one place for more than a few seconds. Even when we put on SpongeBob SquarePants on, he couldn't focus on it, still looking around nervously, rocking slightly, like it was soothing to him. "shh baby, its okay, I'm here, you're safe." Danny whispered repeatedly, nuzzling into Toms face, always staying close and whispering, running his fingers over Toms knee, even though it didn't seem to help.

Tom stayed looking distressed and worried all day, especially when the doctors kept on coming in, looking away from them every time they showed their faces. Luckily, they only came in to make sure the machines and that we were still alright. Though, it never stopped us all freezing as they entered the room, and Tom whipping his head round to hide in Dannys chest, sounding like he was going to cry. "Tommy its alright, they're not going to touch you." Danny promised, bringing Tom closer, stroking his hair every single time. It was a mission all day, but at least the hospital staff let us stay until Toms bed time.

"Tommy, I think its time you went to sleep, its getting late." Danny whispered around ten that evening, looking so reluctant. He so badly wanted to stay, it was obvious, he wanted to stay with Tom and make sure he wasn't harmed. Tom whimpered, shaking his head at Dannys words. "we'll stay here until you're asleep, they won't do anything to you while you sleep, I promise." Danny bargained, slowly making Tom lean on his shoulder more, shifting them both until they were in a ball shape, wrapped in each others arms.

I went to lean on Tom too, hugging him, not wanting to leave him either. Harry joined in, leaning on me, holding both me and Tom, Carrie managing to find space too, so we were all curled up together, protecting Tom from everyone so he felt safe. It seemed to work a little, Tom didn't look as distressed, still very scared, but not as scared as he had been all day. Danny continued to whisper quietly into Toms ear, which seemed to make him calm a little more, until Tom actually relaxed. "there we go Tommy, sleep, you'll feel better, I promise you'll feel better." Danny encouraged, pressing their faces together. Tom shook his head again, hugging Dannys arm like a teddy. "you will, go to sleep, we'll make sure no-one gets to you." Danny now lied, he looked pained to do it, but I guess it was a good idea, so Tom would believe he wouldn't be hurt.

And slowly, it worked, Tom slowly dropped off to sleep, using Dannys arm as a cuddly toy, nuzzled closer into his lovers shoulder. "night Tommy, I love you. I'll see you in the morning." Danny whispered, kissing Toms hair. Me and Harry took this as a sign to let Tom go, so Danny could get Tom actually laying down and into bed. Carrie got off too, though she did help Danny lay Tom down, because he was down one arm. "Carrie, pass me Mickey." Danny held out his other hand, getting Mickey off her as she handed it to him. Then slowly, he wriggled his arm out of Toms grip, replacing it with Mickey, Tom didn't even flinch. "sleep tight, I'll be back in the morning, and if you're any worse than today, then I'm taking you home so you're safe."


	225. Chapter 225

**FLOYNTERxxx - thank you! and to be perfectly honest, i'm not sure where these ideas come from, i usually get a main plot point and think of ways to get to that point and pick what i think is the best one! xD**

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444 Dannys POV

It pained me to leave Tom now, after I said I wouldn't leave, and made Tom believe that I wasn't going to leave him on his own here. "I'm sorry, but you need to leave now, you've stayed far longer than visiting hours." A nurse made my heart sink. Why did I have to leave? Why wasn't I allowed to stay? What was so bad about me staying? "why can't I stay tonight? Please, I promised I would stay." I whimpered, giving her the most pleading look I possibly could. "I'm sorry, its doctors orders. You need to go." The nurse shook her head, standing there and watching as Harry, Dougie and Carrie left.

"come on Dan, we better get moving." Harry sighed, holding out the hand that wasn't holding Dougies to me. "give me a sec," I turned from them to Tom. He looked so cute, so unbelievably cute, curled up on his side, cuddling his Mickey Mouse toy close. For once, Tom looked peaceful, for the first time today, he actually looked like he was peaceful and not stressed out. "I'm so sorry Tommy, so sorry. But, I have to go, I'll be back in the morning, I promise. I love you." I whispered, stroking Toms hair off his face, tucking it behind his ear, before gently kissing his cheek, making sure his blanket was wrapped around him and the TV was still on cartoon channels, before leaving him by himself in his room again.

I almost had to drag myself to the car, I didn't want to leave, I really didn't want to leave, I just wanted to stay, keep Tom safe, keep him from any harm. I didn't understand why all of a sudden I wasn't allowed to stay with Tom, couldn't they have just waited until Tom was ready to be released to release me too? I said this in the car on the way home, and no-one had a decent answer for me. "Danny, its just that doctors orders, he just wants to give Tom 'treatment' without us 'messing it up' by hanging around and being protective." Harry made air quotes around certain words, parking up outside his and Dougies house. "but thats what we're here for, otherwise they'll hurt him because they won't be careful with him." I grumbled, the doctors weren't careful with Tom, they pulled him about without much care for his health, and stupidly decided to do things that scared the hell out of Tom, which were making him worse.

Tom was already so distressed, he looked like he wasn't coping at all, he had looked so troubled all day, with no let up. It scared me to see that, couldn't I ever just have a quiet trip to the hospital, where we would go in, get treated, and go, and not have the doctors screwing up Toms mind? It was always us who had to pick up the pieces of Tom left, why couldn't we have him on the same level on sanity in and out of hospital? That was all I wanted, to keep Tom on the same level of the little sanity he had, without him dropping through the floor and into a darker hole than the one he was already in.

"Danny, do you want to stay with us tonight?" Dougie asked, leaning against Harrys chest, holding onto his arm, like Tom had done to mine. "no, I'm alright. I'll be fine, I'm just going to bed anyway." I sighed, wincing on the inside a little, remembering the feeling of Toms arms wrapped around my arm, hugging it like I was a toy. It felt heavenly, I regretted leaving even more now. "you sure? Cause, you can stay round if you want, we won't mind." Harry made Dougie let go, pulling them down to their sides like he knew it was reminding me of poor Tom.

"nah, I'll be fine. I'm going to go to Toms I think, if thats okay with you Carrie?" I turned to Carrie, hoping she would say I could stay round. "yeah, you can if you want. You did yesterday, I don't see what the harm could be in today as well." Carrie shrugged with a smile, wandering down to the house. "well, we'll pick you up tomorrow at the same time as this morning. See you later." Harry sighed, so I left to go to Toms house too.

Getting into Toms bed without him felt so strange, I should have been used to it, but usually I got into bed with Tom, even if I woke up without him. I wasn't used to this, just getting into a bed without Tom there. Being in the hospital with Tom for so many weeks had gotten me used to getting into bed with Tom again, him not being here, it was torture. The bed was too cold, there was too much room in it, and there should have been a troubled, cute, beautiful blonde guy curled up in my arms, with my head rested on his bony chest. I sighed, I was not going to last that long without Tom here with me, he was going to have to come home soon.

"I'll bring you home Tommy soon, I promise." I whispered, like he could hear me, wishing I could just get Tom home before he got painfully weak minded.

445 Toms POV

I whined and whimpered weakly, trying to turn over onto my side, why couldn't I get onto my side? And why was my wrists and ankles aching? What was going on? "morning Thomas, calmed down yet?" a female voice asked, sounding happy, but it was false, "oh, still hasn't woken up properly, oh well, better get you untied before your friends come along." The pressure on my wrists and ankles lessoned, I immediately scrambled upright and into a corner, suddenly feeling a rush of life flow through my veins. "good you are awake. Time for your breakfast." She came closer, another three nurses coming up behind her.

"now don't fight this please, you must eat this." The nurse warned, backing me up against the wall, bringing the spoonful of cereal towards my mouth. I turned away, pushing her back, I didn't want anything! I didn't trust her, she was going to hurt me, I didn't want to be hurt, my arm and legs already ached and felt like jelly. I didn't want her to make me hurt even more! "come on, be a good boy and open your mouth." I was told, but I refused, carrying on turning my head away and pushing anyone coming towards me back until someone grabbed my head and made it stay still for the spoon to shove its way past my lips. It was horrible, the food was all icky, I hated it. But it carried on, until there was nothing more to be fed to me, and then they left me to fall to the floor, my legs unable to keep me upright.

I curled up in a ball again, feeling achy, icky and scared. I didn't like the people here, they hurt me all the time, I hated being here, I wanted to go home. People came in and out of the room for hours, not noticing I was crying on the floor, just went on with what they were doing.

"go away!" I shouted at one man, wanting him to go away. "Tommy? Whats up honey? Why are you on the floor?" a Bolton accent came from him, he dropped down to my height, revealing that he was Danny. I felt safer a second later, Danny wasn't going to hurt me or force me to do things I didn't like doing. "I-It hurts, a-and icky." I whimpered, being brought into his arms. "what hurts, and whats icky? What did they do to you today?" Danny asked, sitting my weak body sideways on his lap, my side resting on his chest.

"Danny, I think they used these." I saw Harry bend down to pick up the leather things on the side of the bed. Danny, Dougie and Carrie gasped loudly, all turning to me. "Tommy, they didn't use those, did they?" Danny whispered, wiping away the tears on my face, I pushed his hands away and pushed my hands into my eyes. It didn't want to see the leather things, or for anyone to see my tears. "Tommy, answer me, what happened? Did they use those on you?" Danny pulling away my sore hand, I whined when it hurt again, trying to tug it back.

My sleeve fell down a little, revealing my achy, red wrist. "oh Tom, they did, didn't they? You poor little boy, you poor, poor little boy, come here." Danny whimpered, pulling me closer, letting me cry into his shoulder. "I-It hurts!" I cried, bringing my hand back to my face again, pushing my hands into my eyes. "I know baby, I know. I'll sort this out, I'm bringing you home today, I don't care what they say, you're not staying here anymore." Danny kissed my head, standing us both up. "we'll start packing then, want anything Tom?" Harry asked, his hands touching my back gently. I shook my head, wiping away tears still. "alright, but you'll need a hoodie, its cold outside." Danny grabbed a jacket from a chair, carefully wrapping it around my shoulders.

"and what do you think you're doing?" another person came into the room, I whimpered and hid in Dannys shoulder again, not wanting to look at him. "we're leaving, and taking Tom home with us, you're not helping Tom at all anymore, and you're not going to hurt him even more." Danny explained, sounding serious. "and who says you can do that?" the doctor asked, his Scottish accent sounding scary. "we do. We looked it up yesterday once we got home, we can take Tom home if we want. You can't stop us." Harry answered, standing between us and the doctor.

"Tom can release himself if he wants, but he clearly isn't in any state to make any decisions for himself." The doctor sounded like he was gloating. "he can't, but I'm Toms family, which means I can make those decisions. Toms coming home with us." Carrie backed us up. "sh*t, are you sure you want this? Tom clearly isn't well, you could make him worse taking him home." The doctor swore, I whimpered into Dannys shoulder, I wanted to go home! The people here scared me, it wasn't nice being here, everyone hurt me, and made me feel funny. "yes, we're taking him home. We can't make him any worse than you have. Just look at his wrists! They're almost cut, and so bright red, its almost abuse! We're taking Tom home, nothing you say is stopping us." Carrie answered, almost growling.

"alright, I'll go get the discharge forms." The man walked out again, everyone in the room breathed out a sigh of relief. "finally, we're all going home today Tommy! You'll be safe at home, nothing will happen there." Danny hugged me close, sitting me back on the bed. Papers were brought in and as Carrie signed them all and the doctor talked about taking something once every two hours, Danny got me my shoes and socks, helping me put them on, wincing once he saw that my ankles were as bad as my wrists.

"come on baby, time to go." Danny smiled, taking my hand and walking me out of the room, pulling me through the corridors and into Harrys car. I sat in my seat, finally feeling a little better, less nervous, less scared, I felt safer already. Dannys hands held onto mine the whole way, making me feel even safer, I ended up falling asleep in his arms, finally feeling like I could relax for the first time in weeks.


	226. Chapter 226

**FLOYNTERxxx - well, i can't tell you everything, but i will say Tom's more trusting of everyone ;)**

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446 Dougies POV

Danny smiled the whole way home, holding onto Tom, tracing soothing patterns over him as he slept on his shoulder, finally looking relaxed for the first time in possibly months. It was so good to see, just to know that Tom was safe now, and sleeping soundly for the first time, in Dannys arms, it was like a miracle. Getting home was even better, just to see Dannys smile as he picked Tom up and carried him into the house, cradling him in his arms. The look on his face practically shouted that Danny was in heaven, just because Tom was in his arms, looking beyond cute.

Carefully, Danny laid Tom down on the sofa, wrapping him into a blanket and getting in with him. He turned the TV over to a random cartoon channel and the snuggled down into Toms arms, laying on his chest with a deep, content sigh. "knew we would get you home today, you're safe now." Danny whispered, running his fingers over Toms shoulder with a feather light touch. Me, Harry and Carrie all came over and sat down in front of the sofa, I grabbed hold of Toms hand, linking our fingers together. I just wanted to be a little close to Tom, and feel his hand in mine, some sort of skin on skin contact, I hadn't held hands with Tom in weeks. I had missed it so much.

"do you think that now we're home, Toms going to get better?" Carrie asked, stroking Toms hair back off his face. "I don't know, maybe. If we're lucky. At least we're out of the hospital, so he can't get any worse because of stress and the doctors pushing him too far." Danny answered, kissing Toms chin gently, nuzzling into the same spot. "yeah, at least here we can help Tom out at his own pace, and keep him from too much harm." Harry sighed, scooting up to sit behind me, leaning his head on my shoulder, his hand trailing up and down my side.

"exactly, and right now, whats best now is sleep, for the both of us." Danny brought the blanket over them both more, closing his eyes and finally looking relaxed. "night Dan." I smiled, glad to see Danny relaxed as well. "night. Wake me up when Tom wakes up." Danny smiled back, falling asleep on Toms chest, his hand resting on Toms star tattoo. Finally, they both looked like they were happy and in love like they should have been, and almost normal.

"what did that doctor say to you earlier, while you were signing those papers?" Harry asked after a few silent minutes. "oh he was just telling me a few things that could help Tom get better. Things like making him feel important, getting him to do things that will make him feel good about himself, and praise him for it. And to make food a fun thing, so he's more willing to eat it...and to try things that will make his brain work, so hopefully he'll sort of fix himself." Carrie answered, pulling a small packet out of her pocket, "and to give him one of these every two hours, to keep him from freaking out too much." She sighed. "well, that doesn't seem too hard." Harry whispered, sounding halfway to positive.

"yeah, at least its something to go on, and hopefully it will help." Carrie nodded, putting the packet on the table, helping us come up with a few ideas for a while, until the boys woke back up again. Danny woke up first, like usual, yawning before cuddling into Toms side again. Tom seemed to sense this and shuffled as well, half opening his eyes and whimpering, turning to curl up in Dannys arms.

"morning Tommy." Danny whispered, kissing Toms head gently. Tom whimpered quietly and curled closer, clearly meaning that he wasn't going to move. "aw okay, we'll stay here for a while longer." Danny smiled, grinning at us when he looked at us, looking so content and happy, like he had been wishing for this for weeks.

447 Harrys POV

We all spent the whole day just laying around in the front room, the Disney channel playing random programmes, that seemed to keep Tom happy and amused. Danny spent the day holding onto Tom, lovingly tracing patterns over him, and kissing his head gently a few times. For once, Tom actually looked calm, leaning on Dannys side, he was silent, apart from the occasional unintelligible mumble. Other than that, he was leant on his new found lovers side, fiddling with his sleeves and staring into space.

"anyone else getting hungry?" I asked around 8, breaking the comfortable quiet that had washed over us. "yeah, come on Tommy, help us choose something." Danny slowly untangled himself from Tom, pulling him upright too with a loud whimper. Danny seemed to ignore his whimper and just dragged Tom with us to the kitchen, making him stand with us as we decided on some dinner. "I fancy some turkey drummers and some alphabites." Danny smiled, sending a sideways glance at Tom. Turkey drummers and alphabites was Toms favourite meal, more than Christmas dinner, more than anything in the world. Maybe this would get Tom eating?

"alright, whack some on then?" I handed him the packets, watching Danny gleefully shove a few of each into the oven, enough for him and Tom. Tom himself didn't look that happy, but, he hadn't really liked the idea of food for a while, so I guessed he wasn't any different now. Danny smiled anyway, hugging the boy close in his arms protectively anyway. I shoved a pizza in the oven for me, Dougie and Carrie, trying to pretend that Danny wasn't whispering to Tom gently, quietly encouraging him that it was okay as the boy whimpered and shook.

"its your favourite Tommy, it'll be fine. Don't be scared." Danny whispered, holding Toms hands to stop him shaking. Tom just shook his head again and fell into his shoulder, looking like he wanted to cry. "why not honey? Why can't you do this, its your favourite!" Danny sighed, stroking Toms face gently, staring into Toms eyes, the both of them seemingly getting captured in each others eyes.

I pulled Dougie out of the room, leaving Tom and Danny to have some privacy in the kitchen, to talk about it. "he'll convince him to eat, right?" Dougie whispered, looking up at me worriedly. "yeah, Danny will think of something. We've got Toms favourite food cooking, he'll eat it, don't worry Dougs." I smiled a little, hugging him to calm him a little. "you sure?" Dougie asked, gripping my arms. "yeah, remember, Dannys magic with Tom, he'll get somewhere with him. He did the other day, we got him holding food, we'll make him eat at least soon." I reassured, stroking Dougies fringe behind his ear, thinking that he really did need a haircut soon.

It didn't take long from then for dinner to finish cooking, the whole time we were waiting Danny was talking to Tom, encouraging him constantly to at least try and eat, even carrying on as I dished up. "come on Tom, it won't be bad, trust me." Danny sat Tom down on a chair, the poor boy shaking in what looked like pure fear. "it won't be, trust us, it'll be fine." Carrie joined in, me and Dougie stayed out of it, because yesterday we had discussed this and we thought it would be best to leave Danny and Carrie to do the encouraging, instead of all of us crowding round Tom and freaking him out.


	227. Chapter 227

**Guest - thanks, and we'll have to see about them getting rid of Tom's food fear ;)**

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448 Dannys POV

Too soon, plates landed on the table in front of me and Tom, who still looked so scared in front of me. "Tom, please, just try, its going to be just fine." I whispered, holding Toms hands, feeling them shake. Tom whined and shook his head, pushing my hands away. "Tom, please, you need to try. What are you so scared of? You're beautiful no matter what you do if you're thinking that you won't be. You are honestly beautiful, there's no need to worry about it." I grabbed his hands back, stroking his cheek, trying to get Tom to believe me. "n-no. Don't want to!" Tom shook his head, whimpering, looking close to tears.

"why not Tommy? I don't understand why you can't." I sighed, I just wanted to know why Tom couldn't even face his meal, and never could. "I can't!" Toms head shook again, he looked so distressed again, curling up into a little ball again. "you don't want anyone looking at you, do you?" Carrie asked, rubbing Toms back gently. I hadn't even thought of that, how did I forget about Toms fear of eating in front of people? "is that it Tom? Cause, we can go somewhere else if you need it, thats perfectly fine too." I was willing to do anything so Tom was comfortable eating, even if his request was ridiculously weird.

Tom nodded painfully slowly at my question, like he _really _didn't want to say yes, but he had to. "okay, come on lets go somewhere else then, yeah? We'll go somewhere quieter." I stood up, bringing Tom to standing again, pulling him along to the front room. "is it okay in here?" I asked, squeezing Toms fingers. Tom looked around nervously, before nodding a little, it was barely a head jerk, but it was a nod, which was good enough for me. "good, now go and sit down where you want, I'll go get dinner, alright?" I kissed his nose to calm him, going back to the kitchen to get our dinner.

"how is he?" Dougie asked first, picking at his pizza slice. "alright, bit nervous as expected. He's getting comfy in the front room. Now, if I get somewhere is a different story." I answered, grabbing our plates, going back into the front room. Tom was doing his usual trick of hiding in a corner, he looked terrified, his eyes widening when he saw the plate of food I brought in. "its okay, Tommy, this isn't going to hurt you." I reassured him, sitting down in front of him. Tom whimpered loudly, shaking his head in pure denial. "Tom, please, just give it a go. I got you your favourite, turkey drummers and alphabites! I'll reward you if you eat this, I'm not sure what with yet, but I'll reward you." I smiled, trying to come up with something that would be an encouragement.

"no!" Tom whimpered, hiding his face with his hands. "yes, please, Tom, its really important you do this. You need to eat, or you'll end up in hospital again, and I'm not letting you go back. You need to eat so you can stay here." I pleaded, Tom needed to stay here. "I-I don't want to!" Tom cried, tears falling down his cheeks. "why not? Whats so wrong with it?" I grabbed his hand, keeping hold of a bit of turkey drummer, keeping it in Toms vision, hoping it would make him get used to it.

"I-I can't, I can't! Its wrong!" Tom pushed his hands into his eyes, his whole body was shaking. "why is it wrong Tommy? I don't understand, help me understand, please. Explain to me why its so wrong to eat." I stroked his hair again, trying to comfort him in any way I could. "I-I just can't! You'll be here, and... I just can't!" Tom shook, yanking on his hair. "what do you mean I'll be here? Do you want me to turn around? Cause I can do that." I suggested, going to turn around. "yes...no...yes... I don't know!" Tom whimpered, he really didn't want to do this, I felt so sorry for him, and completely helpless. I wished Tom could just figure out what he wanted to do to make him feel better, that way we could have figured this out, and made this easier for him.

449 Toms POV

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I wanted Danny to go out of the room or not. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want for him to see me eat and freak out because I couldn't do it. _You're going to fail, you'll be left alone either way. _No! I didn't want to be alone! "Tom, please, whats going to make you feel better about this? Cause I can turn around and face the other way if you don't want me to see you." Danny ran a hand over my cheek gently. "I-I can't, I-I can't!" I cried, pushing his hand away.

"can't what? Hold it, look at it, eat while someone looks?" Danny guessed, ignoring my pushing by pulling me into his arms, letting me whimper into his chest. "any of it!" I cried, I couldn't do this! I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to be seen eating, I didn't want food at all! "okay, give me a second, I have an idea." Danny wriggled round to move behind me, leaning me against his chest, keeping his arms around me. "now, either close your eyes, or focus on Zac and Cody, alright?" Danny moved my head gently, making me look at the TV, showing The Suite Life Of Zac And Cody.

We were quiet for a few minutes, as I calmed down a little. "there we go, now keep focusing on the TV. And open your mouth." Danny instructed, one arm across my shoulders, almost holding me still. His other hand was holding a bit of food, coming closer and closer to my mouth. _You'll get fat you pig! Then you'll be ridiculed for years! _I turned my head away, shoving his hand away. "come on, Tommy, be a good boy for me. Just eat this little bit, thats all I'm asking." Danny encouraged, moving my head back. "no, please, no!" I writhed, keeping my mouth covered by my hands. "its fine Tommy, it really is, you're beautiful, honestly so beautiful. You shouldn't be worried about that. And I'm not looking either, no-one is watching you eat. Just focus on the TV, like I said, focus on the TV." Danny encouraged, running his hand over my side gently.

_They'll never leave you alone. They will never leave you alone. _"Tom, please, just eat this, I don't want to fight with you." Danny sighed, _tired of this fight already, eat it and get it over with. Time to put up the mental walls again. _Slowly, ever so slowly, I gave in and followed orders and opened my mouth, letting Danny put in some now cold food. I chewed and swallowed reluctantly, practically cringing and almost feeling like I was going to throw up.

"there we go, not too bad, was it?" Danny smiled, sighing loudly. I didn't answer, just whimpered into his side. "I'm proud of you. It took a while, but we got there, and thats what matters." Danny smiled, kissing my hair gently. I cringed again, feeling awful. "it'll get easier, I promise. It'll get easier over time." Danny whispered, he was wrong. Over the next week, we tried every meal time, getting me eating a full meal by the end of it, and it never got any easier. I still couldn't eat it myself, always had to annoy Danny to do it for me, I couldn't even look at the plate. But he always looked so pleased, like he really was proud of me. I almost couldn't stand it, but I guessed I was going to have to get used to it, even though all I wanted to do was draw and cuddle, that was all, just drawing and cuddling. It made me feel good to draw and cuddle, I felt safe. Danny made me feel good, he made me laugh sometimes too. I hadn't seen him smile so much in ages, when I laughed, or even smiled, he grinned with me, looking so, so happy.


	228. Chapter 228

**LittleLouiseeee - thank you! and happy birthday!**

**Chelsea - well he could be getting better! ;)**

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450 Harrys POV

The next few weeks were strange, as we got used to Toms behaviour, adjusting to him again. Danny struggled with him for days over food, begging him and not backing down until Tom actually ate something. Eventually, Tom gave in, and let himself be fed as much as he could stand, which was almost normal meal size, and some snacks as well. Obviously, Tom had his off days where he didn't eat at all, and completely melted down at times, but mostly, he was fine.

As for the rest of the day, Tom mostly cuddled up with Danny, either laying on his lap or just in his arms, like he used to. Also, Tom actually stayed in bed most nights too, he actually laid in bed and slept. We were all relieved at that, to know that Tom actually seemed to be getting better…or at least changing for the better. He was still childishly dependant on us, and didn't really use the same amount of words he usually did, but, he was still Tom on the inside. And that seemed to be good enough for Danny, he always looked so happy to be Toms boyfriend again, and see him beginning to show some improvement.

At the moment, Tom and Danny were curled up on the sofa, facing each other, having a whispered conversation between the two of them. They were talking so quietly that I couldn't even hear them, even though I was sat right next to their heads. Tom didn't really say that much, Danny did most of the talking, though it did look like Tom was at least listening, even if he wasn't facing Danny. His long fingers were playing with Dannys necklaces instead, bringing the key he still kept around his neck to hold in his hand. "shiny." Tom commented, a little louder than usual, his lips upturning to smile at it.

"what? Oh, thats your key Tommy." Danny smiled, holding Toms hand and the key, moving it to make the light move across the ceiling. "my key?" Tom looked confused, before going to look at the light dancing. "your key, it doesn't actually open anything...but, it meant that...it doesn't matter." Danny seemed to have a thought, trailing off. "why?" Tom asked, his forehead creasing cutely from behind his glasses. "it just doesn't. Its yours, thats all that matters." Danny took it off and put it over Toms head instead. "pretty." Tom seemed distracted now, looking at the shining key. "very pretty, like its owner." Danny smiled a little, kissing Toms hair, looking a little downhearted again. I knew he had been about to explain that that was the key he was going to give to Tom, when he asked him to move in with him. He hadn't got his own house key cut, so Tom had a choice on which house he wanted them both to live in. Asking Tom that now was probably not a good idea, we had no idea on how he would react to that, and it was too soon after them getting back together again, and I knew for a fact that neither of them had talked out what actually happened that night. It was probably best to leave it until Tom had gotten better and he had talked about what had happened that night with Danny first, then they could move in together properly.

Luckily, Tom seemed to not notice Dannys small compliment, just started playing with his new necklace. "shiny." Tom giggled, like a child. It was pretty cute to be honest, to hear him giggling, sounding so happy. I ruffled his hair playfully, he laughed again, before Danny adjusted his hair back to normal. Tom smiled and nuzzled into Dannys shoulder, watching the key shine, twisting the chain around his fingers. Danny grinned at him, enveloping the boy in his arms more, tracing patterns over his back and arms. The grin didn't let up all day, Danny literally spent the whole time Tom was cuddled up to him grinning and hold the blonde, watching him be fascinated by the light reflecting off his key. Tom didn't even care when we gave him his dinner, just ate it without a fuss, too busy looking at his key to even notice he was eating.

"I'm proud of you Tom, you're doing so well!" Danny praised, heaving Tom onto his lap without much effort, squeezing him. "you are, we're proud of you too." Dougie leant on the blonde, nuzzling into his bony shoulder. "so proud." I echoed, leaning on the boys too, hugging both blonde, after letting Carrie worm her way into the hold too.

451 Dougies POV

We cuddled until Tom started yawning, looking tired eventually, the shining key not enough to keep him awake and occupied. "alright, bed time Tom, you're looking tired." Danny smiled, picking Tom up, he whined loudly, reaching out with one of his hands for us. "whats up baby? What do you want?" Danny asked, bouncing Tom a little. "don't wanna go!" Tom whined, pouting cutely. "why not? Are you not tired?" Danny looked between us and Tom. "no!" Tom yawned again, shaking his head. "but you're yawning, and its bedtime!" Danny looked confused at Toms words, his hand still reaching out for me and Harry.

"you want us to come with you, don't you?" Harry seemed to have an idea, pulling me upright too. Tom smiled and nodded, grabbing my hands. "oh, I see. You guys mind coming to bed now?" Danny sighed, rubbing Toms back. "no, we can always chuck on the TV if we need to." I shrugged, I would do anything to keep Tom happy, and if he wanted us to come to bed with him, then we would go to bed with him. "thanks, come on then Tom, bed time." Danny smiled, carrying Tom up to bed, helping him get ready for bed.

We all cuddled up into bed, nuzzling closely into each others bodies. "night guys." Danny sighed, nuzzling into Toms shoulder. "night." Harry smiled back, kissing my shoulder gently. "night." I repeated, cuddling up between Harry and Tom, holding the both of them close. "night night." Tom giggled through a yawn, holding his fist around Dannys shirt, the other still holding onto his key. "sleep tight Tommy, don't let the bed bugs bite!" Danny tickled Toms side, he squeaked loudly with a laugh, pushing the tickling hands away. I could tell this was a nightly ritual, Danny was smiling knowingly, like he was used to this, but still enjoyed hearing Tom squeal and giggle at his tickling. Eventually, Tom and Danny calmed down and fell asleep, curled up close together, clinging to each other. Tom also had a firm grip on my arm, making sure I was keeping hold of him, that I was still there. I fell asleep soon after, feeling warm and protected by my friends.

Waking up, I found that Tom and Danny were already awake, showering by the sounds of things. Harry was still sleeping behind me, holding me so tightly and so close it practically hurt. I cuddled closer to him, turning over and cuddling into his chest, enjoying the close skin on skin contact. "mmm, no moving, I'm comfy." Harry mumbled, sounding sleepy. "sorry, I'm not moving anymore." I whispered, wriggling closer. "good." Harry said simply, pulling the duvet over us properly, falling asleep again, safe in the knowledge that Tom and Danny were happy for the moment.


	229. Chapter 229

**TouchTheACTIVE - your wish is my command! lol xD**

**FLOYNTERxxx - thanks! :D**

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452 Toms POV

"race you to the wardrobe!" Danny giggled, running from the bathroom to the wardrobe, I chased after him, running into the wardrobe in fits of giggles. "shhh! Harry and Dougie are still sleeping!" Danny giggled, putting his hand over my mouth gently. "sorry!" I whispered, sniggering behind the large hand. "its alright, I don't think we woke them up." Danny removed his hand, leaning in to kiss me gently. I tried to kiss back, but my lips wouldn't move, they just stayed still. _Shouldn't be kissing anyway, not good. _"sorry." I apologised as we broke apart, catching a second of disappointment on Dannys face.

"its okay, you're trying." Danny smiled a little, handing me a shirt to change into. I had put on my pyjamas from the night before after showering, so I didn't get seen _because its horrible. _"still sorry." I sighed, changing my trousers as fast as lightening. Though it didn't stop Danny seeing my legs, he winced as he saw the flash of my thighs, just the bandage made him wince. "its alright Tommy, you're getting better. Now come up, its breakfast time." Danny sighed too, pulling on a baggy hoodie and some boxers, taking me downstairs past the sleeping couple still in our bed.

Breakfast was eaten easily, in front of the TV like always. "there we go, I'm proud of you Tommy, you're doing so well!" Danny smiled, kissing my hair gently. I whimpered and crawled into his arms, hiding in his chest. I just wanted to hug, that was all, I just wanted to hug now. I felt sick, like I always did, I didn't like it. "feeling sick again honey?" Danny asked, I nodded, glad he knew what I was feeling. "aw, okay, come here. It'll pass." Danny reassured, kissing my face.

Gently, he lifted me up and carried me to the cinema room, laying me down on the comfy chair. "lay there for a second Tommy, I'll put something on to cheer you up." Danny went to the DVD cabinet, grabbing something random off the shelf. He put it in the DVD player, turning off the lights. I whined loudly at the dark, hating the darkness, I couldn't see in the darkness, even with my glasses on! It was horrible! _There's monsters in the dark, they'll eat you up! They'll eat you alive! _"shh Tommy, just breathe. You'll like this." Danny promised, turning on the lightsabers under the screen. "see? Not so dark anymore! And look, movie is starting!" Danny came over after closing the door, curling up with me on the chair.

Danny wrapped us both in a blanket, like he always did, he always wrapped us up in a blanket when I didn't feel well (which was almost every morning right now), putting on one of my favourite films and sitting in our comfy chair. But it didn't help today, the darkness was too dark, it didn't feel good, there were monsters hiding in this darkness, ready to eat me. They were going to eat me up, eat me alive, not leave anything left. I whimpered and pushed into Danny chest, trying to hide from it all, not wanting to even think about it right now. "it'll pass baby, focus on the film, it'll go away soon." Danny whispered, stroking my hair gently. But I couldn't turn my head round, I could only hide in Dannys chest and hope that the monsters would go away. I hadn't seen them, but I knew they were there. Monsters and aliens always hid in the dark, always, and I didn't know what they would do.

"Tommy, whats up? Why are you shaking?" Danny seemed to notice that I was turning so scared. I didn't answer, pushing my head further into his chest, not wanting to look away to his safety. _They'll eat you, you'll die. _"Tommy, why are you shaking? Whats wrong? Do you feel really ill?" Danny worried, lifting my face to look up at him. "monsters, so many monsters." I cried, diving into his chest again, refusing to move again, crying uselessly. I was so scared, I didn't want to be eaten, I didn't want the monsters here at all!

"oh Tom, there's nothing here, its just us here, just me and you, thats all. There's no monsters, no aliens, no nothing." Danny sighed, wiping the tears that he could get to, trying to shh me. "whats going on in here? We heard crying!" Harrys voice turned up, he sounded half asleep still. "there's monsters in the dark." Danny sighed again, _he doesn't believe you. _"well, if we turn on the light, they won't be here anymore." The light turned on, burning my eyes, not stopping the fear or tears.

I cried for hours, unable to stop, feeling so scared of the monsters in the dark. Even as I got taken out of the room, I still couldn't stop crying, just crying and clinging to Danny like it was the only thing I could do.

453 Dannys POV

I decided that Tom needed some air after he calmed down, thinking that we should be go out so he could clear his head and calm down. We hadn't gone out for two weeks by this point, hadn't even left the house to go to the garden, maybe getting some fresh air would help Tom a bit? "where do you want to go then?" Harry asked, bouncing Dougie on his knee gently. "dunno, somewhere quiet and familiar. And where we can keep an eye on Tom." I sighed, looking over at Tom. He was sat on the windowsill, rocking back and forth again agitatedly, his eyes darting about all over the place.

"what about the garden outside? Think that will do?" Harry suggested, bringing my attention back to him again. "maybe, but I want somewhere that isn't really a part of this house. So we have a bit of a change of scenery." I shrugged, glancing back at the troubled blonde, thankful when Carrie sat with him, letting him hug her and hide in her shoulder again. "well what about your house then?" Dougie spoke up, somehow chewing on his own hair. "no, we still haven't cleaned up the mess in the bathroom yet." I shook my head, wincing at the thought of the mess in there. "alright, how about ours? We've got a big back garden and we haven't been there in ages." Harry pulled Dougies hair out of his mouth, holding his hands instead.

"yeah, that's a good idea." I smiled, running to Toms side. "Tommy, we're going out for a little while, to Harry and Dougies, want to come with us?" I whispered gently, holding his hands. Tom nodded slowly, like he wasn't sure. "alright, come on, wheres your shoes and jacket?" I started to pull him up, then decided it was better to leave him with Carrie. I ran to grab his favourite pair of Converse and his Star Wars dressing gown, simply because he loved it. After helping Tom put them on, I gently pulled Tom outside, guiding him down the road, keeping a good hold of him, just in case. I didn't know if Tom actually would run, but, I didn't want to risk it, so it was best to keep hold of him, guiding him to Harry and Dougies house.

They were already there, having set up on Dougies half pipe skating ramp he had put in the garden when he was 20. He was actually sitting on his skate board right now, leaning on Harrys chest at the top of the side of it. "hey, need a hand getting up here?" Harry called when he saw us. "nah, we're alright, there's stairs." I lead us to the side of the ramp, carefully helping Tom climb up it, having a mini heart attack until he reached the top and sat down.

We sat there for hours, enjoying some time in the summer sun, and the fresh air. It was good to relax on the ramp, laying on the deck of it, feeling Tom relax slowly against me. Thank god my plan worked a little, he seemed calmer now, less agitated. His eyes were staying fixed to Dougie, watching him ride back and forth his ramp, trying to do tricks occasionally, falling over most times, much to Harrys amusement. Dougie gave up and grew bored after a while, going inside, saying he wanted to go and do something with his various reptiles. Harry followed him, leaving me and Tom on top of the ramp for a while longer, cuddling close. We only left when it started raining, stumbling inside the house, managing to keep mostly dry.


	230. Chapter 230

**I've finally managed to write an SA i'm happy to post! xD its called Too Close For Comfort and its got three parts to it, two of which are written, and it'll hopefully give a bit more insight into how Tom and Danny got together as a couple. I'll post the first part in a few minutes!**

**Chelsea - thanks! and i try to base some aspects of this on real life, to make it as 'real' as a i can! XD**

**xxPUDDxx - its okay! i hope you had fun on holiday! and i had to put in a Doctor Tennant somewhere, i absolutely adored his Doctor so much and my childhood ended the day he regenerated, though i'm still excitedly waiting for the announcement of who's number 12 tonight! xD **

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454 Harrys POV

"finally, they return from outside!" I laughed, sitting up a little from underneath Dougies tiny body. He was laying on top of me currently, and had been laying on my chest, but had now turned round to look at Tom and Danny. "yeah, its raining outside, thought it was best to come in before Tommy got a cold." Danny playfully tickled Toms side, making him giggle loudly, revealing that Tom was now alright. Thank god for that. Danny brought Tom back into his arms, holding him close to his chest, protecting him and showing him the love he needed.

"ah well, come sit down and we'll think of something to do until it stops." Dougie smiled, dropping down on top of me backwards, pulling my arms around him so they were wrapped around his stomach. Danny dropped down next to us, pulling Tom down onto his lap, cuddling him like always, tangling their limbs together in a complicated mass of clothes and arms and legs. "pretty!" Tom pointed out the window, looking excited. "whats pretty Tom?" Danny asked, looking up at where Tom was pointing. "rain!" Tom answered, untangling himself from Danny and running to press himself to the window.

"ah, you and the rain." Danny shook his head lovingly, watching Tom watch the rain through the window in fascination. "pretty." Tom said again, looking up at the sky. "like you." Danny whispered, chewing on his lip a little.

Hours later, Tom still looked fascinated by the rain falling down, tracing some of the drops that fell down the window with his finger. It was honestly like a child who had never seen the rain before, completely captivated by the clear drops. He kept on muttering the word 'pretty' at it, pressing his face closer and closer to the window, like he was trying to press himself through the glass to go and play in the rain. Danny just watched him with such love in his eyes, looking so happy that his lover was so childishly spellbound by something as simple as rain. "he's never been this obsessed with rain before, has he?" I asked, I was sure that Tom had always liked rain, but never had been this obsessed with it. "no, I guess it's a part of the way his mind works now. Toms a child at the moment, an overgrown child, more so than usual. I guess its just a part of that." Danny shrugged, sitting up against the sofa.

"Toms seen the world in a really bad light for years, maybe he's just rediscovering it, starting to love it again." Dougie suggested, the both of us turned to look at him for that one. "Dougie…where the hell did that idea come from?" I tried not to sound shocked, because I knew that Dougie could work things out by himself, and was quite clever, but he didn't usually say his thoughts. "dunno, just thought of how different Tom is, how he was so depressed before, and now he's happier." Dougie explained, looked slightly embarrassed as we looked at him. "it's a good idea Dougs, as good as any of ours." I encouraged, giving him an encouraging smile and a kiss to the cheek. He blushed and looked down at our hands, shifting awkwardly. I just hugged him, whispering that he didn't need to be embarrassed, he was clever and he needed to show it more. In response, Dougie turned to cuddle into my neck, hiding in there like it would stop this conversation.

"guys, its getting near dinner, I think it'll be best to give Tom his food now while he's distracted." Danny sighed, getting up and going into the kitchen. He came back after a few minutes with a freshly microwaved meal of some sort and a fork, sitting in front of Tom on the windowsill. "Tommy, its dinner time." He said simply, stabbing some potatoes with the fork, holding it up to Tom, who ate it without a fuss, going back to look out the window. He ate happily the whole meal, completely distracted by the outside world, making Danny grin. "I'm proud of you, well done." Danny praised, hugging Tom close and kissing his pale, slightly fatter, cheek. He looked like he was finally gaining weight, which was a miracle, Tom actually looked a bit more human again, even in Dannys huge arms.

455 Dougies POV

Tom watched the rain all night, leaning in Dannys arms, practically laying on top of him. Danny was talking quietly to him, saying random nonsense, some things making Tom giggle quietly. They looked so happy, like an actual couple. They looked so comfortable with each other again, falling into their regular positions, before anything had happened to either of them. So, me and Harry took the opportunity to cuddle up together too, ignoring the world for a while.

We were in the middle of a very enjoyable kiss when thunder rolled across the sky, Tom screamed a little, nearly falling off the window ledge in fright. "whoa! Where you going Tom?" Danny grabbed at Tom, holding him still. "loud noise! Really loud noise!" Tom whimpered, covering his ears. "its only thunder Tom, its not going to hurt you." Danny pulled Toms hands away, pressing them against his chest, his own arms keeping Toms ones still. Thunder clapped across the sky again, lightning following it, flashing across their faces.

"too loud!" Tom shook his head, pushing his head into Dannys chest. "aw baby, its just thunder, its part of the rain sometimes. Its nothing to worry about." Danny ran a hand over Toms arm, kissing his hair gently. I got up and wandered over to the boys, hugging them too. "its okay Tom, its just thunder." Harry came over too, hugging us all. "don't like it!" Tom whined. "it'll pass baby, it'll be fine, its just a bit of thunder." Danny promised, hugging Toms little body. "scary and loud!" Tom answered in the same childish whiny tone. It wasn't annoying or anything, he just sounded so helpless. Like a toddler, a very scared, or sleepy, helpless toddler.

"its going to pass Tom, like all storms. Come on, we'll go do something else." Danny picked Tom up, carrying him to our games room. It was quiet in there, because it was in the middle of the house, and mostly soundproofed, for when one of us couldn't sleep and wanted to go play some xbox, without waking the other one up. This meant that there was no sound coming in from the outside, so the sound of thunder was completely blocked out. "there we go, no more thunder." Danny smiled, putting Tom down on the pool table, letting him hold onto his shirt, nuzzling into his chest.

"guys, could you put on some music? To help out a little." Danny sighed, obviously used to things like this. "yeah sure, any suggestions?" I asked, already flicking through my ipod. "Tommy, any ideas?" Danny asked, moving to look Tom in the eyes. Tom shook his head, hiding in Dannys shoulder, seeming a little calmer. I quickly found The Lion King soundtrack and put on Hanukah Matata, thinking it fitted in at the moment. Tom relaxed, almost instantly, looking more normal again. I was so thankful that he could so easily be calmed down right now. All it took was laying in the sun shine or putting on a song, or some cuddling to calm him and make him happy again. I had never seen it be so easy to calm him down, even before all these problems. "there we go, feeling better now Tommy?" Danny asked, fiddling with the long chain around the blondes neck holding the key. Tom nodded, bringing Dannys hand to his cheek, leaning into it, looking up at Danny with such a dependant look.


	231. Chapter 231

**xxPUDDxx - yeah Tom is acting like a child because of everything he's been through! :) and i stopped watching the day he regenerated, i always say that my childhood ended the minute he said 'i don't want to go' and i miss him terribly now :/ but yeah they're announcing 12 at 7pm tonight on BBC 1! personally i'm hoping for an actor called Ryan Cartwright, Tom Hiddlestone or Benedict Cumberbatch, but i doubt any of those will happen at the moment :/ only time will tell though!**

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456 Dannys POV

My heart clenched at the look Tom gave me, he was looking up at me with a look that clearly said he was counting on me to keep him safe. He was counting on me staying with him, so he was safe. "you'll be safe with us Tom, its just lightning." I sighed, kissing his head. Tom pushed into my chest again, hugging me as close as possible. "Tommy, I think you should have a lay down, the storm will have passed by the morning." I laid him down on the pool table, letting him curl up in the middle of the table.

"I'll stay with you, just go to sleep, the storm will be over soon." I promised, remembering that Tom hadn't had his medication for a few hours that was supposed to be keeping him calm, it was probably best to keep him in his calmest state, because I couldn't get hold of his medication. It was back in his house with Carrie, and there was no way I was getting Tom home while it was thundering outside. I bent down to Toms level, stroking his hair until his eyes closed, and he relaxed into sleep. "there we go, sleep tight honey." I kissed his head, taking a hold of Toms hand, entwining our fingers.

"want to take him to bed?" Harry asked, I shook my head. "no, Tom will hear the thunder and it'll wake him up." I explained, just looking at Toms face. "alright. I'll get you a blanket then, want anything yourself?" Harry stood up. "no, I'm fine, I'm just going to stay here and watch over Tom." I sighed, feeling like just watching Toms face all night, because he was beautiful, and troubled. He was almost a beautiful disaster, and we were heading for disaster right now. But still, he was so beautiful, and he was fine at the moment. So it was the perfect opportunity to look at him and watch over him, making sure he was okay.

Harry handed me the blanket and pillow, I wrapped it around it around Toms body, making sure he was comfy. I watched my boyfriend all night, sitting with Harry and Dougie most of the night until they had to fall asleep, tiredness taking over them. But I couldn't sleep, I just wanted to look at Tom, watch over him and make sure he had a good nights sleep after a tough day. At least he had eaten properly, which was a start. I was just worried, about Toms behaviour. He was so childlike, and scared of the simplest things. And he couldn't even eat by himself, had to have me do it for him. It worried me that Tom would get worse, but how could he get worse than this, maybe like he was before? At least Tom was easier to handle right now, and he ate, but what if he got more out of control and decided against eating? I could barely handle him before, I don't know if I could cope handling him like that again. I knew I wouldn't cope very well at all with it.

Tom distracted me from thinking around 5am, by twitching a little, turning over on the sofa I had moved him too. "shhh, sleep Tom, sleep." I whispered as the boy whimpered, running my hand over his arm. I crawled into his arms when he laid still again, curling up to him, feeling tired myself now, and wanting to see if I could help Tom sleep a little easier. "night night." I whispered, dozing away the next few hours until Tom decided to wake up. He whined and turned over on top of me. "ugh, Tom, what are you doing?" I moaned a little, pushing on his body a little.

Tom whined again and nuzzled down into my neck, fisting my shirt. "alright, alright, sleep Tommy. You can sleep for a while longer." I hugged his body close, kissing his nose. Tom whimpered in response, pushing further into my neck, his knuckles turning white as his fist tightened. "no! Go away!" Tom whined, dragging the words out. "huh? Who do you want to go away Tommy?" I asked, realising Tom was still sleeping. "go away! Don't eat me!" Tom pleaded, painfully pushing into my neck, like he was trying to get away from whatever he was dreaming about. "Tommy, wake up, you're dreaming. Its not real." I shook his shoulder, deciding it was better to wake him up now. Tom woke up quickly, scrambling upright, sitting on my leg, looking panicky. "it was a dream Tom, nothing more, you're safe now." I sat up, hugging the small boy, trying to stop him from panicking. "don't let them eat me." Tom begged, hugging me back awkwardly. "I won't, I won't let them eat you. Nothing will eat you, I promise." I whispered, picking him up and taking him downstairs, hoping that going down there would calm him a little, thankful the storm had stopped.

I put Tom down in the hallway, whispering to him that it was okay, nothing was going to eat him and we were going back to ours soon. I needed to take Tom home soon, to give him his medication and get him back to the house he found relaxing and comforting. So, I started to lead us to the front room when Tom made an odd, scared noise, jumping behind me. "whats wrong baby?" I asked, stroking his side. "scary! it'll eat me!" Tom whimpered, hiding behind my back, whimpering helplessly, staring at the lizard Dougie must have taken out of its tank earlier. "oh baby, its not going to eat you. Riddecka is harmless. She only likes eating Dougie." I rubbed his side gently, wishing that Tom wasn't so scared, especially the things he usually didn't mind, like Dougies various reptiles. "it'll eat me!" Toms eyes welled up behind his glasses, his hands gripping onto my shirt. "no she won't, don't worry. I'll keep you safe." I kissed his cheek, letting him hug me in fear. "sorry Tom, I was just giving her some time to walk around. I'll put her away." Dougie sighed, picking up the lizard and putting it back in the tank.

"danger over Tom, Riddecka is back in her tank." I wiped away the tears behind Toms glasses, starting to really worry about him. Tom had been around Dougies lizards for almost nine years, and didn't mind them wandering around freely, or crawling all over him, now he got scared just by seeing the animal. I hoped it was just his fear of the dark from yesterday and his dream talking, not an actual fear of the harmless pet.

457 Toms POV

"Tommy, its okay now, its just Riddecka the lizard." Danny whispered, rubbing my side. "going to eat me!" I whimpered, it was a monster that was going to eat me! The monsters in my dream were scaly like the thing in the tank, and it had been staring at me, it was a monster sent to eat me! _Its going to eat you! Run away!_ "its not, its just Riddecka. She isn't going to hurt you." Danny turned my head away, kissing my cheek, "I think its time to get you home. Away from anything other than Marvin." Danny sighed, picking me up, holding my head in his neck.

"you guys going then?" Harry asked from somewhere, I couldn't see anything apart from the freckles on Dannys neck, which was nice. He was like a big dot to dot puzzle. "yeah, we're going home. I don't think its a good idea to keep on being here while he's not used to being anywhere other than his own house." Danny sighed, carrying me home, sitting me on the kitchen counter. "feeling better here Tommy?" Danny stroked my cheek with his thumb. I nodded, looking around to find any scaly monsters, there were none.

"good. Now where did I put your vitamins?" Danny opened up the cupboards, finding a box with the vitamins the hospital had told him I needed to take. "open wide Tommy." I followed orders, letting the white tablet be placed on my tongue and swallowing it with a mouthful of water. "good boy, now what do you want for breakfast? We've got some cereal, fruit, toast, pop tarts..." Danny listed a few other things, getting out a box of cereal for himself. "pop tarts." I sighed, I didn't really want anything, I wasn't hungry. After dreaming of being eaten and seeing a monster, the thought of eating something other than the vitamin made me feel ill.

"alright then, open up again." Danny broke off a bit of pop tart, I turned my head away, not wanting to eat right now. "hey, whats up?" Danny asked, bringing me to face him again. "not hungry." I turned away again, pushing his hand. "alright, maybe later then. How about you go and have a shower and get changed, I'll have some breakfast and set up something to do. I'll join you in a while, alright?" Danny suggested, kissing my cheek again, gently giving me a push towards the door. So I went, wandering upstairs. _Yep, still annoying you're boyfriend. He's glad to see the back of you._

I felt better as I showered, the water washing over my skin felt nice. It felt funny to feel water rolling over my body, even over the now water soaked bandage over my arm. I pulled the bandage off, revealing my stitched arm. Most of them had fallen out now, because they were special stitches that fell out after a while, but there were a few left in my bumpy red skin. I ran my fingers over it, not used to seeing the red skin under my sleeves, or the red bumps over my legs. I looked down at my legs now, seeing all the red bumps. "pretty." I smiled, they did look pretty, like a weird map on my body. _A weird map of mistakes. _Well, I thought they looked pretty now, making me look better. I knew that I wasn't pretty, but my bumps were, like my key. My key was shiny and pretty, I refused to take it off, because it was so nice. I still had it on now, the cold metal warming up on my chest.

"Tom, are you almost done yet?" Danny made me jump, making me realise I hadn't actually done anything, just stood here and watched the water, the bumps and my key. The door opened slowly, and Danny walked in, carrying some clothes I think. I turned the shower off and got handed a towel, quickly I wrapped it around myself and jumped out, getting dressed as Danny showered. "Tom, did you actually wash today?" he asked, making me jump again. "yeah." I lied, not wanting to get into trouble. _He'll shout at you if he finds out. _

"ah, cause nothings moved around since yesterday. You sure you did?" Danny explained, sticking his head out the door. I nodded, looking away guiltily. "alright, pass me a towel please." Danny gave in, I gave him his towel, finishing pulling on my hoodie and pyjama bottoms. Danny dressed and dried my hair, rubbing it dry with a towel. His hands were soothing as they skated across my hair, untangling any knots with the greatest care. It was so good to feel his large hands almost massaging my head, leaning it against his chest, making me feel safe and warm for the first time in a few days.


	232. Chapter 232

**xxPUDDxx - i'm currently liking the guy they announced, he looks dark and angsty, and like he'll bring back some of the gravitas David had! i might actually restart watching the show again! and yeah Benedict is Sherlock, i took one look at him in the show and shouted out that he would make a perfect Doctor! he was actually asked to be the Doctor before David but he turned it down :/ and haha thanks! i quite liked that line too if i'm honest! xD i can imagine Tom using him as a dot to dot puzzle and making patterns with his freckles! xD**

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458 Harrys POV

"do you think we should go round today?" Dougie asked, nervously fiddling with his hair, trying to pull his fringe down to chew it, even though it was covered by his headband. "yeah, of course, maybe just a bit later, once Danny has calmed Tom down a little and got him relaxed." I pulled his hands away, giving Dougie a bit of a smile. "and medicated." Dougie finished, sighing a little. "yes, and medicated." I nodded, bringing him into my arms. "I feel like its my fault." Dougie admitted, looking down at our bare feet in shame.

"how so?" I asked, turning Dougies face to look up at me. "because I let Riddecka out, knowing that Tom was scared of monsters ready to eat him. Riddecka likes eating people, and can resemble a monster. I shouldn't have let her out." Dougie explained, he looked so upset, so guilty, like he actually thought it was his fault. "oh Dougs, its not your fault. You couldn't have known that Riddecka was going to scare Tom. You didn't know, and he wasn't too bad. Don't feel guilty, alright?" I gently kissed his head, rubbing his back. "can't help it, its my fault at least in some way! I shouldn't have let her out!" Dougie whimpered, stressed tears welling up behind his eyes. "oh Doug, don't cry, please. You shouldn't cry about this. Its not your fault." I whispered, wiping his tears.

"it is! Its my fault!" Dougies face was heart breaking. Seeing his tears always made my heart wrench painfully inside my chest. "its not, its not Dougs. Its not your fault. Nothing much happened anyway, so its not bad. We can go round and make Tom feel better if we need to." I promised, squeezing Dougies tiny body. "we've got to make it alright, we've got to make Tom feel better." Dougie pulled away slightly, starting to run to get his shoes on. "Doug, we should wait a while. So Danny can help Tom out, make him feel better first. Then we'll go over and help him out too." I pulled him back, holding him close, making us stand there for an hour, just to give a good amount of time for Tom to calm down.

Dougie practically ran into the house as he reached the drive way, almost bursting through the front door. "wheres Tom and Danny?" he asked the second he saw Carrie, who looked relatively calm. "upstairs, Dannys drying Toms hair off I think." Carrie answered, the both of us running off up the stairs. Opening the door, we found Danny stroking Toms hair, just talking to him, his right arm wrapped around Toms waist. "what you doing Tommy? Counting freckles again?" Danny whispered, smiling down at Toms pale face, full of concentration as he looked down at the freckled arm he had in hand. His frail hands looked so small against Dannys freckled arm, it made Tom look even paler than usual, but somehow, it still looked right to see their skin next to each other. "yeah!" Tom looked proud of himself, going back to counting the mass of brown dots all over Dannys arm, mouthing the numbers to himself. "aw, how many are you up to?" Danny asked, somehow managing to wriggle closer to Tom, keeping his arm still for Tom to draw on.

"100." Tom answered, his fingers skating over Dannys arm. "wow, and that's only a little bit!" Danny smiled; talking almost like Tom was a child. Though, it seemed to be keeping the both of them happy, so I guessed it was fine. Tom giggled and carried on counting, seemingly oblivious to anything other than the freckled arm in front of him. Danny seemed to be unaware of anything other than Tom too, softly smiling at the blonde boy in his arms, hugging him close. "morning again!" I hated to break their moment, but it felt awkward to not be standing there watching. "morning again guys." Danny looked up, grinning a megawatt grin at us. "hey!" Tom stopped counting, waving, and then letting out a loud whine. "whats up Tommy?" Dannys head whipped round to see Toms pouting face.

"I forgot where I was!" Tom whined, slumping defeatedly against Danny. "aw well, never mind. We'll have to start from the beginning again, won't we? But first, I think we should go downstairs, as we can all sit down, alright?" Danny gently pushed Tom upright, keeping him in his arms, holding onto his waist. The couple waddled together down the stairs, staying practically plastered to each other until they fell onto the sofa, curling up together. "so, wanna start counting again Tom?" Danny smiled, giggling as Tom started counting again, the both of them looking so content together.

459 Dougies POV

After a few minutes of Tom counting the freckles across Dannys arm, I handed him a pen, letting him cross each one off, which seemed to stop him miscounting over and over. The rest of us sat and watched either Tom counting or watching the TV, which was set on a music channel. "Danny we match!" Tom blurted suddenly, rolling up his sleeve and putting it next to Dannys arm. "huh?" Danny looked confused for a moment. "look! We both have bumps!" Tom smiled, actually looking happy about them. Please tell me that it was just his weak mind talking and he wasn't actually proud of them! "oh yeah... we both have bumps still." Dannys smile dropped, turning to look ashamed now, fingers twitching to pull his sleeves down, hide the mass of scratches covering the arms. Literally, they were covered, red criss crossing lines everywhere, from their wrists almost to their elbows, it was horrible!

I winced and looked away, unable to look at the evil scars covering Tom and Dannys arms. "they look pretty!" Tom grinned, how the hell was he smiling at that?! How was he really thinking that they were pretty?! "shh Doug, shh. He doesn't know." Harry whispered, "Doug, want to come and help me do...something." he announced loudly, pulling me up and dragging me out of the door. We ended up in the other front room, scrambling to hug each other as soon as possible. I hadn't wanted to see that! I hadn't wanted to see the scars I had tried to forget about!

"sh, Doug, don't think about it. Don't worry about the scars, they're just scars, not anything new." Harry hugged me close, pushing my head into his chest. "they're still there though!" I whimpered, I hadn't expected seeing those red and angry scars! I hadn't seen the cuts that had put Tom and Danny in hospital, and I hadn't wanted to see them unless they were almost unnoticeable. I hadn't wanted to see their scars today though! Not while they were bright red and bumpy and so blatantly obvious and evil looking! "I know, I know. But its over, and they're not going to do anything again." Harry promised, rubbing my back gently.

"they can't!" I whimpered, I _hated _seeing their scars, hated knowing they did something like that, hated knowing they were in so much pain at the time. They should have never been in that much pain, they didn't deserve to be that unhappy, ever. "they won't, they won't. You know that Dougs. We talked about this the other day. Toms too...out of it and constantly around people, he can't do anything. And Dannys too busy looking after Tom to do anything, and he's scared to scare Tom. He won't do anything either, I promise." Harry explained, kissing my hair and pushing my hair into order again, his fingers brushing over my head in the most comforting way possible.

"won't do anything what?" Carrie made us jump. "oh, Toms seen Dannys scars, and thinks they match and they're both pretty." Harry answered, arms tightening around me, keeping me close. "ah, right." Carrie seemed to be in thought for a few seconds, "right, well, if it helps. I'm keeping an eye on the both of them, making sure they don't do stupid things like cause more scars on their arms. They're too busy with each other to do anything anyway." Carrie smiled encouragingly, looking out the door to the room Tom and Danny were still sat in. "they're getting a little worried about you by the looks of things, it might be best to go back in...they're sleeves are rolled down too." Carrie advised, so we hurried back in again, after taking a deep breath.


	233. Chapter 233

**xxPUDDxx - yeah he was! and i think the same, he's brilliant as Sherlock though, so i wouldn't want him to leave that! and Peter does look like he's going to be the show back to its David Tennant glory again, only with some more dark and angsty themes to it, this is going to be gooooood! xD haha! i have a bit of a thing for Danny's freckles myself, and in my own head cannon, Tom loves them too and likes to connect his freckles together to make pictures xD**

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460 Toms POV

I got to cuddle with Danny all day, sitting on his lap, napping a few times when I got tired. His arms never let me go, always holding onto me tightly, his hands tracing patterns on my side, kissing my head a few times as he whispered things to me. He whispered that he loved me, that he was so proud of me, that he was going to protect me. I didn't know why he was proud of me, but I didn't ask, feeling happy enough to sit with him, Harry and Dougie and do nothing all day.

Though, Dougie didn't look happy for the rest of the night, he smiled and stuff, but he kept on looking at me, then looking away, pushing himself into Harry. I put it down to him being tired, he always looked tired, maybe he was just sleepy, like how I felt sleepy a lot. Or maybe he was thinking about the monster in his house that he let out. Maybe he was scared of it and didn't want to go home! He could stay here if he wanted, couldn't he? "Danny," I said, looking up from my swinging legs. "yeah?" Danny came over to the table I was sat on, looking up expectantly. "can Harry and Dougie stay tonight?" I asked, looking away in fear of him saying no.

"of course they can! Any reason why you want them to stay today?" Danny smiled, reaching to grab my hand. "I think Dougies scared of the monster in their house." I explained, glancing at Dougie, who was standing in the doorway with Harry, pressing into his chest. "aw baby, there's no monster in their house! The thing you saw was Riddecka the lizard, which is their pet! Dougies just tired, thats all!" Danny squeezed me for some reason, his face melting as he looked at me lovingly. "but it looked like a monster." I was confused, it was a monster in Dougies house, right? It had been a monster, hadn't it? "it wasn't. It was just Riddecka the pet lizard. Its not a monster, just one of the many lizards at Harry and Dougies house. He isn't scared of it, he loves it." Danny explained, pulling away to look into my eyes, "now, stop worrying about things, alright? Just sit tight, dinner will be ready in a minute." He kissed me and bounced back to the saucepans, talking to me about random things until dinner was cooked.

I was handed a plate of spaghetti, and brought to sit on a chair. "now, this is probably going to get messy, but never mind. Open wide Tom." Danny span a few strings around the fork, holding it up to my mouth. I opened and ate the mouthful happily, receiving the biggest grins ever, just for eating. I felt my cheeks heat up and looked away, not sure I liked feeling all these eyes on me. Something inside was screaming that this was wrong, but I wasn't sure what was wrong, it just felt wrong. I ignored it though and carried on, because the feeling of my tummy rumbling wasn't very nice. "I'm proud of you Tommy, so very proud of you. You're doing great." Danny grinned, bringing me closer for a kiss.

I smiled into it, willing my lips to move against his, though they didn't, but I still felt my tummy scrunch up in happiness, so I didn't care. We broke apart and Dannys face flickered with upset, but he smiled when he looked at me again. "I love you Tommy." He whispered, kissing my head this time, nuzzling our faces together. "I...me too." My throat blocked, stopping me from repeating his words, even though I wanted to repeat them _so badly. _I loved Danny, so much, I just couldn't say it at the moment. "I know you do." Danny smiled, pulling me to the front room to watch another couple of hours of TV, before taking me to bed because it was bedtime.

"night Danny." I whispered first, nuzzling into his arms. "night night Tommy. Sweet dreams." Danny kissed my hair, wrapping us in duvet and each other. "you too." I held onto his wrist as his hand ran through my hair. "I love you." Danny moved to hold my hand. "I lo-," I choked, again, "me too." I sighed, looking away. "good, now sleep tight Tom." Danny brought me to face him again, kissing my nose, settling down to sleep, watching over me as I fell asleep.

461 Dannys POV

It worried me that Tom couldn't say he loved me too, or kiss me, it was like he was being stopped by something, even though he wanted to. I had heard him whimper as we kissed, probably when he realised he couldn't kiss back, though I don't think Tom had noticed he whimpered. I felt so sorry for him, he was being stopped from properly expressing his feelings, by some unknown force. At least now he was at peace, sleeping soundly in my arms, cuddled up as close as possible. "night Tommy, I love you, even if you can't say it back." I whispered, nuzzling into Toms soft hair.

It took me hours to fall asleep, I was just thinking, about Tom, and how to make him better in any way. Tom needed to get better in some way, he didn't even _feed _himself, let alone anything else. It scared me that he couldn't feed himself, I had tried to get him feeding himself, but Tom couldn't. He just looked so scared when he his hand went anywhere near his face, he found it impossible. It scared me to see him like this, but I guess I had to look at the bright side, at least Tom was eating and gaining weight. He looked a bit bigger than before, and felt chunkier, if that made sense. It felt like Tom was a bit bigger, he was a bit more normal Tom size, it felt so good to know he was gaining weight again. At least that was something, Tom was gaining weight, and wasn't fighting me much during meal times.

I ran my hand down Toms side, resting on his hip, so happy that I couldn't feel much bone anymore. I smiled, nuzzling into my boyfriends shoulder, relaxing when I felt Toms chubbiness. He wasn't at normal weight yet, but, he was getting there. "alright, sleepy time, night Tom." I kissed his neck and fell asleep, holding onto the boys side, reminding myself all night that he was in some way getting better.

Waking up the next day (in the afternoon…woops) I found Tom still laying next to me, but now he was on his back, his head falling to the side to still face me. He looked beautiful, the sun light shining just right on his face, highlighting his pale skin and his golden hair. I couldn't take my eyes away, just laid there, watching until he woke up a while later. "morning Tom." I smiled as Tom yawned cutely. He made a small whining noise and turned over, face planting his pillow, mumbling something like 'not now, sleepy'. I just laughed at him and hugged him, used to this. Tom didn't like waking up in the morning, or the afternoon for that matter. He liked to stay in bed, where it was warm and comfortable.

"come on Tom, we'll have a duvet day if you want, just wake up now." I promised, pulling on his tshirt playfully. "no!" Tom whined, pushing my hands away. "come on, its 2 in the afternoon, and if we're not up soon, Harry and Dougie are going to jump on us." I knew they would, Carrie would send them up if we weren't up soon. "let them. Sleepy." Tom mumbled, falling asleep again. I shrugged it off and dozed with him, giving in, not able to think of a better idea than to cuddle up with Tom for a while longer before we had to get up.

But, all too soon, footsteps were heard on the stairs, along with giggles, oh no, here we go. Trouble in the shape of a drummer and bassist had turned up. The footsteps reached the landing, the giggles being shh'd. "Doug shh! Stop giggling!" Harry whispered, the giggles being muffled a little. "sorry! Now come on! Whats the plan?" Dougie giggled, sounding like a hyper child. "on the count of three. One…two…THREE!" Harry shouted the 'three' footsteps running over to the bed and two heavy bodies jumped on top of us. "ah what the hell guys?!" I cried out, shoving Harry off me, or at least trying to. "you weren't awake yet! We decided to wake you up!" Dougie giggled, wriggling to move on top of Tom, who whined loudly. "we were sleeping!" Tom whimpered, reaching up to cover his eyes with his hands. "sorry! But, wake up time!" Harry laughed, sitting up on my legs, making himself comfy.


	234. Chapter 234

**the second part to Too Close For Comfort has been uploaded if anybody is interested!**

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462 Harrys POV

Dannys head smacked against the pillow as he groaned loudly, refusing to get up. "come on! Its two in the afternoon, come on!" I encouraged, shaking his shoulder. "no! We're tired!" Danny whined, turning over and laying his head on Toms shoulder. He himself was still laying down, hiding his face with his hands. "how are you still tired? You've been in bed for hours!" Dougie laughed, sounding like he didn't believe them. "cause we are! Now shh!" Danny giggled a little, wrapping his arms around Toms body.

"but Danny, Tom needs his vitamins." It was true, Tom should have taken his 2-hourly dose of medication about three times by now. We called the medication 'vitamins' in case Tom thought the worst of his new medication. But, we hated lying to him, but what else could we say that was make sure that Tom would take it? We didn't want to leave Tom without anything, in case he would get out of control, or worse in any way, so we had to give it to him, even though we didn't really want to. "sh*t...fine, I'll be back in a minute Tom. Just lay here with Dougie for a few minutes." Danny swore, kissing Toms cheek before getting up and wandering downstairs with me.

"thanks for reminding me, I completely forgot. I got caught up with cuddling and sleeping..." Danny trailed off, getting the blister pack out of the cupboard, chewing on his lip. "doesn't matter. We've got it now, so its fine." I shrugged, trying to stop him feeling guilty. "yeah, still should have remembered. Oh well, might explain why he didn't want to get out of bed." Danny sighed, grabbing a bottle of water. "yeah probably... how are you holding up by the way? I haven't had the chance to ask." I asked, sitting up on the counter.

"alright." Danny jumped up with me, he seemed quite happy, though I still worried that it was sometimes an act to stop Tom from worried. "you sure?" I nudged his shoulder. "yeah, I'm alright. I'm alright as long as Tom is. And he's alright, he's happy, eating, laughing...thats all the matters really. And I have a few things up my sleeve to help him." Danny smiled, hopping off the counter, starting to wander upstairs. "but Toms not you, and he's ill, we don't know he's actually happy, or whats going on in his head apart from the things he says." I sighed, because we didn't really know what Tom was thinking, we just knew that he laughed and ate. "he's happy, I can tell. Its in his eyes, he's happy. And I'm happy too, I have my boyfriend back, who smiles, laughs, eats and hugs again. He's sleeping in a bed again, and right now, he's still in bed, cuddling with Dougie, I didn't think he was going to do anything like that for _years, _but he is, and it makes me so happy to see it, thats all that matters to me." Danny gave a little smile, effectively killing the conversation by going back into the bedroom.

We found Tom and Dougie in the bed still, curled up under the duvet. Dougie had decided to cuddle up with Tom, his head pressed into the older blondes chest, his tiny hands holding Toms arms like he was trying to make sure Tom stayed where he was. I couldn't blame him, Tom actually had his arms around him, not holding on tightly, but he still had his arms around him, which was a start. "hey Tommy, we're back." Danny crawled onto the bed again, getting in behind Tom, wrapping his arms around him. "mmm." Tom mumbled, half turning his head from leaning on Dougies.

"sit up a minute, you need to take you're vitamins." Danny sighed, making Tom sit up. "no, wanna sleep!" Tom whined, leaning on Dannys shoulder. "I know, but you've got to take this, it'll make you feel better, I promise." Danny held out his hand, holding the tablet in his hand. "go on Tom. Take it." Dougie encouraged, holding onto my hands and looking up pleadingly at Tom. So he did, swallowing down his medication before curling up to Danny again. "good boy, come here." Danny kissed Toms head, hugging the small blonde.

463 Dougies POV

After about half an hour, Tom seemed to perk up a little, deciding that he felt like moving from the bed, pulling Danny upstairs, going to the room where Tom kept some of his toys. Mostly the ones he didn't play with much, but liked to keep them out, just in case. "what do you want in here Tom?" Danny asked, stroking Toms side with his fingers. "army men." Tom mumbled, toddling over to his army men, dropping to his skinny knees with a crunch that _really _didn't sound healthy. "want to go play with him Doug?" Harry asked, making the same motions on my side that Danny had been doing.

"no, I'm alright." I shook my head, looking at Danny as he dropped next to Tom, playing with soldiers too. He was a bit hesitant on what to do, but seemed to get used to it, carefully moving the pieces as Tom did. "shall we leave them to it then?" Harry suggested. "yeah, okay." I took him downstairs, wanting to know what Danny had said to Harry when he talked to him. "Dannys fine, he's happy as long as Tom is fine. He's fine, honestly, he is." Harry explained, seemingly knowing exactly what I wanted before I said it.

"are you sure? I know he looks fine, but what if he's secretly worrying himself a lot over Tom?" I worried, biting at my lip. "Doug, Danny always worries over Tom, he wouldn't be himself if he didn't. They're fine, I promise." Harry pulled my lip from between my teeth, hugging me in the way he always did when he knew that I was worried. I mean, I knew that Danny was sort of okay, because he had cheered up massively since coming home, but, Tom was so different I was scared that he would make Danny worry so much he would snap. "he better be okay, I just want them to be okay, be happy and normal again." I whispered, wanting nothing more than to see Tom and Danny normal again. "they're already happy Dougie, I'm sure they're happy right now." Harry smiled, hugging me for hours until Danny appeared in the door way.

"just running down for some food, Toms decided he's hungry, and he needs his medication." Danny explained, bouncing into the kitchen. "is he alright on his own?" I asked, Danny never left Tom by himself usually. "yeah, he's alright. Carries with him, its all good." Danny smiled, going to run back up the stairs. "what do you have planned? You mentioned it earlier, and didn't explain." Harry stopped him. "I have something planned for tonight, that I've talked to Carrie about, that should hopefully feed him up some more, and make his brain work some more." Danny smiled like he did when he had a great idea, starting to explain his plan, and it was brilliant. "that is genius, completely genius, and it could help, help a lot actually." Harry commented, making Danny grin. "thanks, took us a while to work out, I can tell you. We had a late one that night." Danny laughed a little, "well, I better get back upstairs. See you later!" he bounced up the stairs, and didn't come back down again until the early evening, this time followed by Tom.

They ran straight through the room, laughing hysterically, Tom in the lead, Danny clearly slowing down so he was in front. "I'm going to catch you Tommy! The tickle monsters coming!" Danny giggled, Tom squealed loudly, almost tripping himself up as he legged it out the room. Danny pelted off after him, laughing manically like an evil villain. "don't tickle me no!" Tom squeaked, managing to dodge Danny and run back through the front room.


	235. Chapter 235

**i probably won't be able to update for the next two days, because i'm packing up my house tomorrow and moving house Saturday, luckily the internet is also being installed that day so i should be able to add by Sunday latest.**

**Guest - thank you! it really does mean a lot to hear that you think that!**

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464 Dannys POV

As Tom dodged round me, I ran after him, speeding up a little to almost jump on the boy, deliberately missing him, just to make him squeal more. "no!" Tom squealed, running and hiding in a corner, effectively making it almost too easy for me to jump on him properly. "tickle monsters got you!" I laughed, tickling Toms side until he fell over in fits of giggles. "no! Stop it no!" Tom squealed, practically screaming in laughter. "never! The tickle monster stops for nothing!" I giggled, sitting on his legs to stop his legs from kicking as much.

I tickled Tom until my hands hurt, and he almost turned purple from lack of air. I felt a bit sorry for Tom really, he was in hysterics, barely about to breathe. But it was quite funny, and adorable to watch him laugh like that, I hadn't seen Tom laughing this much in months, perhaps years. To see him practically killing himself laughing was adorable and the best thing I had seen. "aw baby, you cant stop, can you?" I giggled, as Toms giggles subsided a little. He finally stopped, grabbing hold my hands as I went to tickle him again. "don't please!" Tom begged, still smiling up at me, looking so cute, his dimple digging into his cheek. "alright, I'll stop for now... I have a surprise for you tonight by the way." I gave in, wriggling upwards so I was sat on his hips, making sure I wasn't putting too much pressure on his bony hips.

"what is it?" Tom asked, sitting up a little. "you'll see, after everyones gone home." I teased, giggling when Tom pouted, "don't give me that look, you'll find out soon enough." I adjusted his glasses and kissed him quickly, laughing when the pout didn't leave all night. Tom actually perked up when Harry and Dougie left and Carrie went to bed, like he really wanted to know what his surprise was and it was all he had been thinking about. "is it surprise time now?" Tom asked, tugging on my hand excitedly. "I suppose so...right, stay here and don't go to the kitchen, I'm setting stuff up, alright?" I got up, stroking Toms hair as he nodded. "good boy, now just sit here for a while, I'll be back in a few minutes." I kissed his hair and jogged into the kitchen, setting out some a variety of food on the table.

My plan was to somehow stop Tom from seeing, and make him eat a bit of food, and make him guess what it was. I was hoping that he would agree to it, so he was eating more to gain more weight, and hopefully his brain would benefit from thinking too, so he would be able to use more words. "ready Tommy!" I called, smiling when I found one of Dougies headbands on the side, from where he must have left it earlier. "wow!" Tom came over, looking in awe at the table laden with food. "I know, ready to find out what the surprise is?" I wrapped my arms around his middle, kissing his hair. "yeah!" Tom nodded, leaning against me. "good. Now I was thinking of having a little competition..." I explained my plan to him, watching his face to see what he was thinking about it. He seemed pretty okay with it to be honest, little nervous, but that was expected really.

"you okay with doing this?" I asked, rubbing his side gently. "yeah, yeah I think." Tom bit his lip, wincing a little. "want to do it to me first? So you know whats happening?" I suggested, Tom nodded, sitting down with me, tying the headband around my eyes. "go on Tommy, give me something to eat." I encouraged, reaching out and grabbing his hand, squeezing it gently. "open up." Tom said after a few seconds, I obeyed, feeling his fingers fumbling to put in what was obviously a grape. I chewed and swallowed, telling him it was a grape. "yeah, it was." Tom took off the blindfold, looking a little more relaxed. "thats all that'll happen. I promise. Nothing more, nothing less." I squeezed his hand again, watching his blonde head nod. "I'll do it."

465 Toms POV

I sat back down on my own chair, letting Danny tie the headband around my eyes, being comforted by the fact it smelt of Dougie and Harry. "its okay Tommy, its still eating, just with a little twist and a bit of competition to it." Danny whispered, holding my hand gently, though I still felt so alone. All I could see was blackness, only a hand on mine telling me that I wasn't alone. _You're alone, its not a real hand. _Of course it was, I could recognise Dannys hand anywhere. "D-Danny," I whimpered, reaching out for him, so I wasn't so alone. "alright, its alright, come here, sit on my lap." Danny guided me onto his lap, "see, I'm here. I'm right here." Danny whispered, his lips pressing to my cheek, tracing patterns around my arm until I relaxed.

"good boy, are you ready for this?" Danny praised, I nodded slowly. _You'll get fat. _I wouldn't, would I? Danny called me tiny all the time, I wouldn't get fat, would I? _Yes. _"first thing coming up, you'll like this one." Dannys voice turned up, putting something in my mouth. I chewed and swallowed, hearing laughing somewhere. "what was that then Tommy?" Danny asked, linking our fingers together. "er, crisp?" I guessed, it had crunched...and thats what crisps did. _Wobble, wobble, wobble. _"not wobbling." I shook my head, answering the voice. "yep, but what flavour?" Danny sounded like he was happy, ignoring the last thing I said. "erm...salt and vinegar." I answered, being told it was right.

This carried on for a while, I was fed different flavours of crisps, as well as an apple, some left overs from dinner, and a few other things I couldn't remember. Another thing came forward, but I pushed his hand away, feeling full, not wanting anymore. "don't want anymore!" I whined, pushing away his hand when I found it. "aw, why not Tommy?" Danny asked, his hand moving to hold mine. "no more! Don't like it anymore." I didn't like being in the dark anymore, didn't like eating things I couldn't see! I didn't want to get another thing wrong, I didn't like getting it wrong. "alright, I'll you go. You did well there baby, really well. I'm proud of you." Danny let me go, the light stinging my eyes.

I covered my eyes with my hand, hiding from the bright lights, falling to lean on Dannys shoulder. "tired honey? Alright, its way past your bedtime anyway." He sighed, taking me upstairs, helping me get changed into my pyjamas and get into bed. "I'm proud of you for that, you know that right? I'll give you a treat tomorrow when we get home from Harry and Dougies." Danny smiled, pulling off his trousers and changing into a Bruce Springsteen tshirt, climbing into bed with me.

"we're going round there tomorrow?" I asked, since when were we going over there? "yeah, we're going round theirs again, just for a little while. And don't worry, there wont be any monsters." Danny pulled me closer to him, letting me rest against his chest, the pictures on his tshirt sticking to my face. "okay." I whispered, wriggling as close as possible, not wanting to think about the monsters that wanted to eat me. _They'll have a lot to eat. _"right, go to sleep Tommy, its past our normal bedtime." Danny kissed my head, rubbing a hand over my back until I fell asleep.


	236. Chapter 236

**got two minutes to quickly update! everything should be back to normal by Tuesday at the latest!**

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466 Dougies POV

The next morning, I woke up later than usual, finding that Tom and Danny had already arrived. Harry was still in bed with me, he was awake, talking to Tom and Danny as they sat on the end of the bed, hugging closely. "yeah, we slept like the dead last night, we wore ourselves out running about yesterday didn't we?" Danny tickled Toms side, making him giggle loudly. Danny grinned at him, his eyes shining with love, pulling the small blonde upwards to hug him tight like the Mickey Mouse Tom had in his hands.

"ugh...morning." I made them all look at me, crawling further into Harrys thigh from where he had sat up. "morning sleepy." Harry teased, ruffling my already wild hair. "shove off." I shoved his hand away, sitting up, deciding that it wasn't worth it, and falling over into his lap instead. "aw, is little butty sleepy?" Danny giggled from behind Toms shoulder, still hugging him like he was a massive teddy. "yes, very." I mumbled, grabbing Harrys hand again, wanting something to hold.

"aw, Doug you've overslept already, its time to get up!" Harry gently pushed me upwards, making me get out of bed. We dressed quickly, going downstairs to find Tom and Danny outside, probably avoiding all the reptiles. "whats the plan then? Anyone mind me getting some skating in? I feel like skating again." I asked first, jumping down from Harrys back from where he had been carrying me. "go for it Dougs." Danny smiled, Tom mumbling something about not minding, and Harry pushed me gently in encouragement, so I ran to get my skateboard.

I listened into the conversation going on between Danny and Harry, skating up and down the path, doing a few tricks, over balancing a few times. At the same time, I watched Tom as well, he was playing with his Mickey Mouse toy, seemingly having a full blown conversation with it. Well, at least he was making conversation, which was a good thing. "ah sh*t!" I hit a bump on the path and toppled over, landing on my side, scraping my arm and knee. "you alright Doug?!" Harry called, running over to me. "yeah all good. Just a bit of a scrape." I wiped the grit off my arm and knee, letting Harry check it almost obsessively for anything more serious.

"you're right, just a scrape. But, its going to need plasters, I'll be a minute." Harry got up and went back inside the house. Tom and Danny ran over instead, looking quite worried over me. "I'm fine guys. Seriously, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me." I smiled, half used to everyone worrying about every little scrape I had, because I was the baby they had raised since I was 15. But, they shouldn't have worried about me, Tom needed looking after, not me. I just had scraped knees and arms, he was reduced to a childish, dependant little boy, he needed more help. "alright Doug?" Danny asked, holding my arm. "yeah, I'm fine, just a bit of blood, its fine." I smiled, Danny quickly picked Tom up and took him away, why the hell did he do that?

467 Dannys POV

I took Tom away from Dougies scraped arm as quickly as possible, before Tom noticed the blood. I didn't want him to see it, so he didn't freak out. There was no way of knowing how Tom was going to react to seeing blood, after what we did only a little while ago, that landed us both in hospital and causing the way Tom acted now. It terrified me thinking of how he acted last time, let alone now, when he had even less control than he had then.

"Tommy, I think its time you had a little sleep, alright? You look tired." I suggested, before Tom asked questions. "but I'm not sleepy." Tom whined, pouting. "you need to go to sleep Tommy, alright? Just for a little while. You look really tired." I lied, I just wanted Tom to fall asleep for a little while, so he didn't realise what was going on. He couldn't realise what was happening, and freak out, it was easier to make him go to sleep for a while, until Dougies scrape was covered. By some miracle, Tom managed to drop off and start snoozing, so I took him home, setting us up on the sofa, trying to make it all seem normal, just in case.

Tom woke up a few hours later, yawning so cutely my heart melted. "afternoon Tommy." I smiled, kissing his blonde hair. "huh?" Tom looked confused, rubbing his eyes. "its afternoon, you've slept away the past few hours." I laughed, stroking Toms hair, smoothing it down against his head. "we were outside, what happened?" Tom asked, looking around, worrying me. Didn't he remember me bringing him inside?

"we came inside earlier on and you fell asleep in here, and have only just woken up." I explained, leaving out mostly everything. "oh...okay." Tom shrugged, pressing into my chest again, going back to fiddling with his key. I had noticed that he still liked to play with it, along with his other necklaces. He was currently wearing his key, lucky sixpence and one of my necklaces, which he seemed to have lifted off me at some point. "oi, when did you nick this huh?" I asked, desperate for a subject change. "this morning." Tom answered simply, looking away in what looked like worry, "sorry." He went to take it off. "don't take it off, you can wear it if you want." I made him drop it, letting it fall and tangle with his other chains.


End file.
